Confused about very short dating experience ending

[katrina1980]

I have a somewhat different take on this.

 

I do believe that you can connect with someone in an intense way within a short period of time. It’s happened to me a few times, including with my current bf.

 

So I will have disagree that this isn’t personal. Of course it’s personal, how could it not be? You spent time together, she got to know you at least on some level, became intimate, after which she rejected you, that’s personal!

 

I mean ideally it shouldn’t be, but realistically it is, and OP I totally get why you feel so hurt and rejected, it’s a normal human emotion after you’ve spent time with someone, felt a connection and became physical, no matter how short a time it was.

 

Your feelings are valid, especially given she pulled the plug so suddenly, and there were no signs prior to.

 

That said, what to do going forward? I suppose all you can do is try to accept it and take steps to move on. We could speculate until hell freezes over what her reasons were, but the bottom line is they just don’t matter. She was interested and now she’s not.

 

In these very early stages, feelings/emotions are very fragile and precarious and yes people can and do change their feelings on a dime. It happens all the time, it's the risk we all take when embarking on a new relationship.

 

Going forward, all you can do is learn from this. Next time take your time, don’t rush in, even when the desire to do so is intense like this was. Because as has been said many times, when someone comes on fast, they’re usually off and running just as fast.

 

Also, what I always do when a relationship or dating experience ends is introspect. You say you have low self esteem and lack confidence. Those you date can sense this; do you think it’s possible she sensed this about you? And the intensity of your feelings for her? If so, this may have “scared” her, it would have scared me too!

 

Her comment that she can only give you 1/2 of what she can (translation – what she thinks you need) was very telling. She may have felt you wanted too much from her, too soon, and she just wasn’t ready for that type of intensity this early on. I can relate to that.

 

I am just speculating, just some things to consider, since you’ve said this has happened to you before.

 

I am really sorry OP, I know it hurts like hell, all I can say is, and I speak from experience, is TIME HEALS.

 

Also try to force yourself to get out of bed and not wallow in self-pity. Go out get some sunshine, go for a run!

 

Best of luck and take care.

[leafsfan1967]

I have a somewhat different take on this.

 

I do believe that you can connect with someone in an intense way within a short period of time. It’s happened to me a few times, including with my current bf.

 

So I will have disagree that this isn’t personal. Of course it’s personal, how could it not be? You spent time together, she got to know you at least on some level, became intimate, after which she rejected you, that’s personal!

 

I mean ideally it shouldn’t be, but realistically it is, and OP I totally get why you feel so hurt and rejected, it’s a normal human emotion after you’ve spent time with someone, felt a connection and became physical, no matter how short a time it was.

 

Your feelings are valid, especially given she pulled the plug so suddenly, and there were no signs prior to.

 

That said, what to do going forward? I suppose all you can do is try to accept it and take steps to move on. We could speculate until hell freezes over what her reasons were, but the bottom line is they just don’t matter. She was interested and now she’s not.

 

In these very early stages, feelings/emotions are very fragile and precarious and yes people can and do change their feelings on a dime. It happens all the time.

 

Going forward, all you can do is learn from this. Next time take your time, don’t rush in, even when the desire to do so is intense like this was. Because as has been said many times, when someone comes on fast, they’re usually off and running just as fast.

 

Also, what I always do when a relationship or dating experience ends is introspect. You say you have low self esteem and lack confidence. Those you date can sense this; do you think it’s possible she sensed this about you? And the intensity of your feelings for her? If so, this may have “scared” her, it would have scared me too!

 

Her comment that she can only give you 1/2 of what she can (translation – what she thinks you need) was very telling. She may have felt you wanted too much from her, too soon, and she just wasn’t ready for that type of intensity this early on.

 

I am just speculating, just some things to consider, since you’ve said this has happened to you before.

 

I am really sorry OP, I know it hurts like hell, all I can say is, and I speak from experience, is TIME HEALS.

 

Also try to force yourself to get out of bed and not wallow in self-pity. Go out get some sunshine, go for a run!

 

Best of luck and take care.

 

Thanks - you make some interesting points. By all accounts I was taking it very slow with her and going at her pace. Things seemed to change once we slept together and she said sex meant a lot to her. I don't think it was a bad experience that changed things but maybe she felt she was getting closer to me and wasn't sure about me or wasn't sure she was ready? It wasn't like we were spending so much time together in the beginning - it was just a mutual interest and she told me she was very attracted to me and really liked me. My behaviour didn't change at all - in fact if anything I pulled away a bit more. She even said to me she could sense she was being hot and cold and not sure and it was bothering her because it wasn't fair to me. Again, it's very difficult to read into these things because the fact is it could be anything. Usually when things end with someone, I see it coming or can sense and in this case I didn't sense it all. Which is why I'm so blindsided. She was so pretty, so self-assured (seemingly) and I was just so infatuated with her. It's hard to think that someone like that can ever come along again. I know some of you will think I'm being overly dramatic about a 3-4 week thing where we only slept together once, but it's like she ran for the fields once we started talking about what we were looking for and she wasn't looking for a relationship right now. She didn't even seem to feel bad about saying that - very robotic. Which makes me question how good of a person she is. Truth is I guess I didn't know her all that well. Just why string me along even for the 3-4 weeks? It's the fact there was such potential here and it was thrown away for nothing in particular. We had chemistry - she said I had all the qualities she wanted in a guy. And I was amazing. So why run from that :(

[katrina1980]

 

Just why string me along even for the 3-4 weeks? It's the fact there was such potential here and it was thrown away for nothing in particular. We had chemistry - she said I had all the qualities she wanted in a guy. And I was amazing. So why run from that :(

 

First off, I don't think she was "stringing you along," so please get that thought out of your head. That type of negative thinking serves no good purpose right now.

 

Without knowing her, the likely scenario is that she was really into you, infatuated with you, but on some level it was still a fantasy (which is typical of many people this early on) but after you had sex and started talking more about what you both were looking for (I gather in the long term), reality smacked her in the face and she realized she was neither ready nor desirous of the type of RL your connection required or she thought you wanted and expected from her.

 

Possible commitment issues, relationship anxiety, her own issues with insecurity/self-esteem, it could be anything. Best to not wrack your brain trying to figure it out, you will just drive yourself crazy.

 

Sometimes there is just no rhyme or reason, and you just have to accept that, learn from it what you can and move forward, which you WILL. In time, be patient with yourself.

 

And I promise you, you WILL meet another woman again who you will fall head over heels for, right now you don't feel that way and I get that, but trust me you will!

[itsallgrand]

I agree with DF. When someone comes on so strong, it's a red flag. You can choose to use this as a learning experience and save yourself a lot of dead ends.

 

Once you see this a few times, clear patterns emerge. She was right on pattern.

[MissCanuck]

Don't be surprised to hear that she's gone back to her ex, OP.

[leafsfan1967]

One minute she’s telling me she really likes me and how much fun she’s having then I see her 4-5 days later and it’s “I don’t know if I’m looking for a relationship” and talking about how intense her last relationship was and he may he still trying to reconcile? At least if she didn’t like me from the beginning it would make more sense to me. Maybe having sex with her freaked her out because that’s when I noticed a big change. Or she seemed excited to have a sleepover then was worried when she thought it might turn into something more serious and she didn’t think she could handle it. I just can’t understand it. And it just crushes me. I wish it didn’t. I know there’s much worse problems in this world.

[katrina1980]

 

Possible commitment issues, relationship anxiety, her own issues with insecurity/self-esteem, it could be anything. Best to not wrack your brain trying to figure it out, you will just drive yourself crazy.

Sometimes there is just no rhyme or reason, and you just have to accept that, learn from it what you can and move forward, which you WILL.

 

Quoted again for emphasis.

[SherrySher]

This has been my experience in the dating area. If they come on strong and the relationship seems like it's running a million miles forward, it crashes and burns just as quickly.

There's not much stability there and you have two people drawn into a fantasy of a perfect connection and perfect meeting. But sadly, 9 times out of ten it's not true and it's burns out as quickly as it started.

 

Then you have the slow and steady, where you have 2 people who are being rational and cautious. They take their time to genuinely get to know each other. They become good friends and hold off on the sex until they feel they have made a solid connection. (this can take several weeks even upwards to a month or two). Both parties are in the moment and know what they are looking for. They take their time and get to know all sides of the other person (good and bad).

These relationships are the ones that seem to "stick" and are the most reliable.

 

You might want to take that into consideration the next go around. Unfortunately, you can't force a lifetime relationship that is so called 'perfection', into a couple weeks and call it real...it just doesn't work.

[Wiseman2]

Ok that's all you need to know to prove you're in the friendzone/a backup plan. Just stop communicating so you can move forward to someone who's not playing games like this.

One minute she’s telling me she really likes me and how much fun she’s having then I see her 4-5 days later and it’s “I don’t know if I’m looking for a relationship” and talking about how intense her last relationship was and he may he still trying to reconcile?

[leafsfan1967]

Ok that's all you need to know to prove you're in the friendzone/a backup plan. Just stop communicating so you can move forward to someone who's not playing games like this.

 

Thing is I was extremely attracted to her and I felt the same until she pulled away. I basically said if things change down the road to reach out and of course I'm never going to contact her again unless she does. I know holding out hope is not the answer, but a part of me wonders once she feels more ready she may reach out? All of the signs of her interest in me were there, even when she kind of ended it (she said I have everything she wants in a person, I'm amazing, she likes me, it's just she can't give me what is fair to me right now). Is this typically just a way for someone to blow you off or is there some truth there and maybe in time she reaches back out? The "crash" of this all is what is really hurting. I can handle rejection after a few dates or even if a relationship doesn't go anywhere, but this was so unexpected and so counter to what she had been doing and saying - she would make herself available to me ALL the time, told me things we'd do together in the future, etc... and then just seemed to disappear once the idea of a relationship developing was progressing. I never pushed a relationship on her, she probably just felt it was where this was heading.

[RayRay63]

My gut feeling is she was trying to be nice and let you down gently. Maybe there is some other dude in the picture somewhere.

 

I basically said if things change down the road to reach out and of course I'm never going to contact her again unless she does.

 

Good, well done. If there is any (slim) chance that she might change her mind, your demonstration of self worth and value just increased whatever chance that is. That is really all you can do right now in a communication with her. But as I said before, the other thing you should do is "Set yourself some fitness/career goals for the next 6 weeks or or so, and then have a look at other ladies you might ask out."

 

If she does contact you, and its just a breadcrumb, ignore it.

 

If however she says she wants to try again, immediately ask her to set up a DATE. Not a catchup for coffee to see how you are traveling, a DATE. If she doesn't immediately agree, end the communication. Be polite, but stick to your guns.

[Wiseman2]

But don't let this make you a chasing fool.

Thing is I was extremely attracted to her

[leafsfan1967]

Thanks. She mentioned something about a part of things with me feeling a bit “off”. We only went out a handful of times and while it was sometimes a bit awkward when we met for the first ten minutes eventually we got into great conversations. I guess based on how she was acting and what she was saying (ie: wanting to spend time with me, saying she really liked me, was very attracted to me) it totally caught me off guard. She also said she should have felt excited about moving towards a relationship with me and it didn’t feel like that. It just hurts so much because I felt I put myself out there and it always seems the good ones turn me down because I’m awkward or weird or boring or something. I don’t feel that about myself but that’s how I feel I come across. She said all her exes were “loud” so maybe I was just a different guy of guy. I was so in to this girl. She was so hot and just seemed so lively and sweet. She pulled the plug so soon and seemed to change her mind so quickly after “reflecting” on our time together. I’m just so devastasted because it took a lot of energy for me to go through all these dates and deal with all the uncertainty.

[katrina1980]

 

She mentioned something about a part of things with me feeling a bit “off”.

 

We only went out a handful of times and while it was sometimes a bit awkward when we met for the first ten minutes eventually we got into great conversations.

 

 

Some harsh truths.

 

She mentioned "a part of things felt off." Translation: Her feelings (for you) were OFF. She just wasn't feeling it. Not like she's felt it before with other men, and not like she wants to feel again. It just wasn't there with you, sorry.

 

I learned something a long time ago -- Two people can be on the "same" date but be having two entirely "different" experiences.

 

I have been guilty of this myself with some guys. I can be having a great time, great conversation, laughing, etc BUT for me, I'm just not feeling "it." And yes this has confused some guys because from their perspective based on my behavior I was feeling it. But *I* was not!

 

I never went so far as having sex with any of them, but some women do "just to see." They may even enjoy the sex, but again their feelimgs were "off."

 

At that point, since she had sex, in her mind she needs to let you down easy, which is what I think happened here.

 

OP, dating can be harsh! You need to have a thick skin. If you don't you're gonna get eaten alive. As I said earlier, feelings can change on a dime in these early stages! Assuming she was once feeling it.

 

Many people simply go through the motions because they *want* it to be there, they want to be *feeling it,* but they just don't.

 

A gf of mine is experiencing this now. He's good looking, good job, they have great convos, they have even kissed (made out) but she admitted to me just yesterday, she is not feeling it! She wants to be, but she's not.

 

Meanwhile the guy is head over heels and she doesn't know what to do. She actually asked me, "should I have sex with him, just to see"?

 

If I may ask, since you have only had a handful of dates, what is it about you that can't accept she doesn't wish to continue? Do you believe her feelings should match yours? That she's not entitled to her own feelings?

 

I have experienced this with some guys, they simply cannot believe I feel differently from them! Like I should be some extension of them or something.

 

Maybe it's their ego who knows, but to me, and no disrespect, it's a form of arrogance.

 

Let it go!! Accept she doesn't feel same as you, she does not want to continue on with you. It's only been three dates, her reasons do not matter.

 

The only thing that matters is she's done and you need to move on from it.

[leafsfan1967]

Some harsh truths.

 

She mentioned "a part of things felt off." Translation: Her feelings (for you) were OFF. She just wasn't feeling it. Not like she's felt it before with other men, and not like she wants to feel again. It just wasn't there with you, sorry.

 

I learned something a long time ago -- Two people can be on the "same" date but be having two entirely "different" experiences.

 

I have been guilty of this myself with some guys. I can be having a great time, great conversation, laughing, etc BUT for me, I'm just not feeling "it." And yes this has confused some guys because from their perspective based on my behavior I was feeling it. But *I* was not!

 

I never went so far as having sex with any of them, but some women do "just to see." They may even enjoy the sex, but again their feelimgs were "off."

 

At that point, since she had sex, in her mind she needs to let you down easy, which is what I think happened here.

 

OP, dating can be harsh! You need to have a thick skin. If you don't you're gonna get eaten alive. As I said earlier, feelings can change on a dime in these early stages! Assuming she was once feeling it.

 

Many people simply go through the motions because they *want* it to be there, they want to be *feeling it,* but they just don't.

 

A gf of mine is experiencing this now. He's good looking, good job, they have great convos, they have even kissed (made out) but she admitted to me just yesterday, she is not feeling it! She wants to be, but she's not.

 

Meanwhile the guy is head over heels and she doesn't know what to do. She actually asked me, "should I have sex with him, just to see"?

 

If I may ask, since you have only had a handful of dates, what is it about you that can't accept she doesn't wish to continue? Do you believe her feelings should match yours? That she's not entitled to her own feelings?

 

I have experienced this with some guys, they simply cannot believe I feel differently from them! Like I should be some extension of them or something.

 

Maybe it's their ego who knows, but to me, and no disrespect, it's a form of arrogance.

 

Let it go!! Accept she doesn't feel same as you, she does not want to continue on with you. It's only been three dates, her reasons do not matter.

 

The only thing that matters is she's done and you need to move on from it.

 

Thanks for this. It was more than 3 dates, more like 6-7. I think the thing I'm struggling with is the sudden pivot. Everytime after we had a date she said she had so much fun. She would text me all the time, we could talk on the phone once and a while for like 45 minutes, everything she was saying (I'm really attracted to you, I really like you) and doing (being physical with me, being available with dates, wanting to have a sleepover) indicated a HIGH level of interest. When we were together, I'd say there was a bit of awkardness at times where she just seemed to put up a wall and it was hard to get through to her but after 15-20 minutes we could have great conversations, she'd show a lot of affection by touching me, holding my hand, etc... She did talk about a guy she saw for 6 months that ended in June that was VERY intense and mentioned she saw him recently and he may still be pining for her in the background, but that he was emotionally abusive and her mom/friends wouldn't ever let him go back to her.

 

I'm a very sensitive person by nature so these things always hit me hard. It just seemed in a matter of 4-5 days, in a time we didn't even see each other, everything shifted. The last time I saw her it was obvious she was going to bring up this issue about not "looking for a relationship" and eventually mentioned something felt off.

 

I just feel also I won't find someone as beautiful and with what seemed like such great qualities (humor, sweetness, self-assuredness, etc...). So I'm just so angry, not so much at the rejection itself, but the way it unfolded. It's hard to find people you're attracted to, with the same background who are single - it's hard to get past a 1st, 2nd and 3rd date into the territory I was in.

 

I've had this experience of women not feeling a "spark" before but I honestly felt she felt the spark and communicated that to me. I feel I'm good by now at reading their level of attraction. But something just seemed to have changed. She mentioned she started to feel this "not ready for a relationship" business after reflecting on our time together in the past 3-4 days towards the end.

 

I honestly wish I could brush it off easier but it's just very hard for me. I know it may make me weak and pathetic, it's just something I can't help right now and I'm trying to work on. So the idea of just moving on, loving who I am (even if I'm not cool enough, outgoing enough, extroverted enough for her) is very hard to imagine.

 

She said I had all the qualities she looked for in someone, that she wish she met me 1-2 months down the road and that she needed to figure out what she wanted in her life. Could it be the series of intense crash and burn relationships, or this guy pining for her in the background, affected how "open" she could be to really getting to know me? I'm not trying to hold out hope - it's just her behaviour seemed all over the map but did so many times indicate such high level of interest.

[katrina1980]

^Well I guess there's not much any of us can say then, is there. You're just gonna have to work this out yourself and/or with the help of a qualified professional.

 

Since it appears you're not really seeking advice but rather to vent and journal your thoughts and feelings, perhaps you might consider actually creating a thread in the journal section and posting there.

 

I keep my own personal journal (off this forum), and journaling my thoughts/feelings helps me a lot.

 

Good luck.

[Morello]

OP, as you have just found out, the fact that she was attracted and was having a good time with you do not necessarily lead to her wanting to keep dating you. Something was 'off' for her. I think she probably realised some incompatibilities that you could not see because you're blinded by her beauty and by your low self-esteem. It doesn't matter why she was feeling like that. It only matters that she was. And that she decided not to date you anymore. That is the only thing you should focus on.

 

You're feeling like you are because you think you won't find a woman as good as or better than your ex. Not because you adore her or because you love her. You barely know this woman. She's on a very high pedestal (you put her there) because of that. You completely ignored how some dates were awkward, for example. I bet that if she had average looks and not the nice personality you say she has, you would not have pursued this further.

 

Well, it may or may not happen that you find a woman as pretty as her to date. You may or may not find a better match (if she was actually a good match because it doesn't appear so). But for your to have better chances of succeeding in this, you will need to have a close look at yourself (perhaps with the help of a professional) to address why your self-esteem is so low and why you act almost undeserving of a woman like her. With such a lack of confidence, it would be very hard to succeed in dating. Like Katrina said, dating is rough and you need a thick skin. You need to be confident in who you are and what you are offering, and walk away if people 'reject' your offering. The same way you should walk away if a potential new partner is not offering what you want.

 

Sometimes break ups like that (if we can call this one) help us identify what is wrong with us. I think you have a major issue that needs addressing and that's the time for it. Also, lack of confidence can also more easily be addressed by getting fitter, exercising and being active, eating healthy, etc.

 

These changes will make you a better prospect overall and chances are you will find someone as attractive and as nice as this woman you dated. But don't do it to get her back because she most likely won't. It's not personal, you can't expect to click romantically with everyone you date. Also, understand that what woman say about you and your relationship with them refer ONLY to that moment. And words should always be taken with a grain of salt. Actions matter more, as you found out yourself.

[leafsfan1967]

OP, as you have just found out, the fact that she was attracted and was having a good time with you do not necessarily lead to her wanting to keep dating you. Something was 'off' for her. I think she probably realised some incompatibilities that you could not see because you're blinded by her beauty and by your low self-esteem. It doesn't matter why she was feeling like that. It only matters that she was. And that she decided not to date you anymore. That is the only thing you should focus on.

 

You're feeling like you are because you think you won't find a woman as good as or better than your ex. Not because you adore her or because you love her. You barely know this woman. She's on a very high pedestal (you put her there) because of that. You completely ignored how some dates were awkward, for example. I bet that if she had average looks and not the nice personality you say she has, you would not have pursued this further.

 

Well, it may or may not happen that you find a woman as pretty as her to date. You may or may not find a better match (if she was actually a good match because it doesn't appear so). But for your to have better chances of succeeding in this, you will need to have a close look at yourself (perhaps with the help of a professional) to address why your self-esteem is so low and why you act almost undeserving of a woman like her. With such a lack of confidence, it would be very hard to succeed in dating. Like Katrina said, dating is rough and you need a thick skin. You need to be confident in who you are and what you are offering, and walk away if people 'reject' your offering. The same way you should walk away if a potential new partner is not offering what you want.

 

Sometimes break ups like that (if we can call this one) help us identify what is wrong with us. I think you have a major issue that needs addressing and that's the time for it. Also, lack of confidence can also more easily be addressed by getting fitter, exercising and being active, eating healthy, etc.

 

These changes will make you a better prospect overall and chances are you will find someone as attractive and as nice as this woman you dated. But don't do it to get her back because she most likely won't. It's not personal, you can't expect to click romantically with everyone you date. Also, understand that what woman say about you and your relationship with them refer ONLY to that moment. And words should always be taken with a grain of salt. Actions matter more, as you found out yourself.

 

Thanks for this. I know I need to toughen up. It's just a hard one for me to accept because I really feel there was potential here but as things progressed to a point where you develop more intimacy with someone and connect stronger, she just seemed very guarded and hesitant. I accept it may be that she's just not in to me, but also wonder if perhaps she was just emotionally unavailable from being so hurt from her last breakup? She seemed pretty shaken up by it (she brought it up a few times). I know holding out hope is pointless - I just feel if she was in a better emotional space things could have been different. I've been in situations like this before where I knew the girl just wasn't as in to me, but honestly this one felt differently. Right up until the last few days after we had sex, things were going very well and she was really in to me (through her actions).

 

It's a bitter pill to swallow :(

 

And trust me, I am seeing professionals to deal with my issues, getting in better shape, taking better care of myself. Which is good. Yes, part of the reason i'm so hurt is I fear I won't find someone as attractive and as much "fun". I didn't know her that well but she held back so much. I'll never know if it was our incompatibility or she was just having trouble connecting with someone new because of the old guy.

[leafsfan1967]

Ok so after 2.5 months of no contact (I had sent her a message 2.5 months ago basically saying if things change for her to reach out), she messaged me and said she was thinking of me and wanted to get together. Also asked if I was single, so I'm assuming she's considering exploring something with me. But I also see her back on dating apps, so don't know what to do.

 

Any advice? Part of me wants to give her a chance to explain herself and maybe she was being totally honest about just not being ready and it not being about me. On the other hand, seeing she's on dating apps makes me think maybe she wants to explore the field a bit, and I don't want to get hurt by getting myself back into something as a backup option.

 

What do you all think?

[Wiseman2]

Apparently she's striking out with this "intense" guy and also on dating apps. All you can do is hear her out, if you are still interested. If she just wants a comfortable placeholder you can pass.

she messaged me and said she was thinking of me and wanted to get together. Also asked if I was single. she's on dating apps makes me think maybe she wants to explore the field a bit

[leafsfan1967]

I am interested, but will not get back in to it unless I hear what I need to hear. Also, we only went out 3-4 weeks - is it unfair to ask that she not date other people while she's seeing me? It's early for exclusivity talk, but given the circumstances, I think it's ok to ask. Like should I just be honest and say I don't want to put myself in a situation like that?

[Jellybean9]

I wasn't here when you first posted!

 

From your previous post before this one it seemed like you was taking some really good steps for you!

 

Hope you have got better within yourself with those steps.

 

It's a funny one. I've know relationships that gave worked after NC. Also know relationships that haven't.

 

You said you saw potential before. I didn't read the rest of the thread, so not sure of her exact actions.

 

All I'll say... If you feel like you are in a strong emotional state right now. Why not meet her and hear her out. Maybe be what you need to move on. Also could lead into seeing eachother again. You never know until you try.

 

Just don't ruin any hard work you have done to make yourself feel better.

 

If you feel this meet and greet would set you back to the way you was when you first ever posted. Then I would say please don't go!

 

Really sit and think before meeting about you!