Messed up with a crush

[MissCanuck]

What was his attempt to talk to you? What did he say?

[Wiseman2]

"Good coffee today isn't it? Have a nice day". Then smile and go back to work. The only thing that will accomplish this is acting like you are in a workplace and to stop imagining that there is a hidden love affair going on.

I wonder if there is something I can say to him that won't make me look crazy anymore?

[enna11]

when I saw him at the coffee dock he was talking to people while getting coffee. he turned around towards me and looked me in the eyes and said with a lowered soft voice "how are you". I was unable to answer, just looked back in his eyes. He got himself then coffee and spilled it twice. I then walked off with another coworker. Also he walked very slowly towards my desk last week like I said and I had the impression he wanted to approach me. he always had a very shy smile when looking at me. shy people struggle asking other people out. I also heard from other people that he is shy in some situations

[Wiseman2]

What is wrong with saying "Fine thanks, how are you?" It's a odd you use so many romance novel scenes and wording to describe plain old everyday interactions. Perhaps your life outside of work lacks a boyfriend or dates so you enjoy fantasizing that this secret love affair is happening.

 

Do you have friends you go out with and do things with? Do your friends all have boyfriends? What type of dating apps are you on?

looked me in the eyes and said with a lowered soft voice "how are you".

[MissCanuck]

when I saw him at the coffee dock he was talking to people while getting coffee. he turned around towards me and looked me in the eyes and said with a lowered soft voice "how are you". I was unable to answer, just looked back in his eyes. He got himself then coffee and spilled it twice. I then walked off with another coworker. Also he walked very slowly towards my desk last week like I said and I had the impression he wanted to approach me. he always had a very shy smile when looking at me. shy people struggle asking other people out. I also heard from other people that he is shy in some situations

 

That isn't really an attempt to talk to you. That's greeting a coworker.

 

I don't know what to tell you, OP. You seem to insist there's something more between you and desperately want to talk to him. I wouldn't recommend it, but hey, do what you think is best. You've been refuting everything we're saying, so if it would make you feel better, lay your cards on the table for him. I don't think you're going to get the response you're hoping for, though.

[boltnrun]

You are too claiming he likes you. You claim he looked at you "in a loved up way" and that he was trying to ask you out.

 

I see nothing in what you wrote that indicates he feels the way you want him to.

 

If you already apologized for accusing him of lying (bad move there), apologizing again would make it worse.

 

Just act professional.

[enna11]

I haven't apologized for accusing of lying yet. I said I had the impression that he attempted to approach me not that I am sure that this is what he intended. That look he gave me is definitely in my head though. before I met him I was planning to leave the country and I definitely wasn't looking for a boyfriend. (quite the opposite, so no I am not on dating apps) some of my girlfriends have boyfriends and others don't.

can one bad sentence ruin things for good? I mean the fact that I accused him of lying? If only I could change that he thinks of me as being crazy now...

[Wiseman2]

You seem to believe he is your soulmate and this is some sort of destiny but he is "too shy" to declare his love for you.. But the fact is he's just another coworker and doing/saying normal coworker things.

 

All you can do is start acting normally at work and stop the weird looks and assumptions and "relationship talks".

before I met him I was planning to leave the country and I definitely wasn't looking for a boyfriend. If only I could change that he thinks of me as being crazy now...

[MissCanuck]

I haven't apologized for accusing of lying yet. I said I had the impression that he attempted to approach me not that I am sure that this is what he intended. That look he gave me is definitely in my head though. before I met him I was planning to leave the country and I definitely wasn't looking for a boyfriend. (quite the opposite, so no I am not on dating apps) some of my girlfriends have boyfriends and others don't.

can one bad sentence ruin things for good? I mean the fact that I accused him of lying? If only I could change that he thinks of me as being crazy now...

 

Ruin what, though? You didn't have anything going on with him to ruin.

[enna11]

ruined as in that he might have thought of me as a nice person vs she's crazy now

[enna11]

I only struggle talking to guys I have a romantic interest in. I am used to making small talk at work all the time. I wonder if he now knows that I have a crush on him through the awkward accusation I made?

[maew]

can one bad sentence ruin things for good? I mean the fact that I accused him of lying? If only I could change that he thinks of me as being crazy now...

 

Yes it could, especially if you continue projecting and reading things into his actions.

 

It’s concerning that you believe you are in love with him and that he is in love with you and you have barely spoken to him. You do realize that romance novels do not translate to real life? And that someone can look at you (even check you out) and that it doesn’t mean they want to date you?

 

This sort of behaviour in the work place is inappropriate... if you must have a conversation about this with him do it after hours and keep it strictly to an apology for your behaviour and accusations. Then back off and leave him be. As others have said if he really wanted to date you he would have asked you out... you have given plenty of interest signals already.

[katrina1980]

 

 

Also he was constantly looking at me (I wasn't looking at him at all) and that's when people started laughing.

 

 

I am wondering how you know he was looking at you when you were *not* looking at him? Was he just looking in your direction and you are assuming he was looking at you because that is what you were hoping and wanting?

 

But okay, let's say he *was* looking at you, do you think it's possible he was messing with you, and "that" is why his friends were laughing?

 

I can't imagine why they would laugh if they knew he really liked you.

 

Sounds like a bunch of immature guys with not much to do at work messing with the girl who is crushing on one of them.

 

I have five brothers and trust me things like this do happen. It's immature, but it happens.

 

Just my opinion of course based on what you've posted. IF he really liked you, I highly doubt he would have responded in such a dismissive manner when you confronted him.

[enna11]

I felt that someone was looking at me and but I did not look back and then the people he was talking to were all looking at my direction. it happened all the time. sometimes I did not even know that he was there but then felt that someone was looking at me and looked in his direction and then saw him. also he looked at me when I talked to other people. I felt he was looking at me and people turned around to him as they also felt it. then his manager started looking at him and at me after this happened. he also did this in meetings with higher managers this why I am not sure if he was really messing cause you would not do that in front of higher management, right? also sometimes he was behind me talking to someone and when I turned around and looked at him he laughed. well he either laughed at me or he felt embarrassed that I caught him looking at me I think. The other reason why I thought he is not messing is that I only heart very good things about him and not that he does these things to women. So you think, he definetely knows that I have a crush on him? regarding confronting him the situation was a follows: he was talking to someone in his team. I interfered in the conversation and asked him if he had two minutes. he said sure. I then said to him, regarding last week that was a misunderstanding. he said what do you mean? when and what happend? I then said I can't believe you are lying to me. he nervously laughed and he said I am not. I accused him again of lying then also said that his team is gossiping about me. he said I don't think you know who my team is and he then said this is really awkward now and that he had to leave. so he was not being dismissive, right? he was understandably being defensive.

[katrina1980]

You keep interjecting your own spin and then asking, right?

 

No, in my opinion based on everything you have posted, it's not right. Not by a long shot.

 

You have essentially created this entire story/scenario in your head because he looks at you sometimes.

 

When you look back at this later, my guess is YOU will be laughing. At yourself for reading (mis-reading) so much into something totally innocuous, such as a few elusive looks in the workplace and his friends laughing.

 

The REALITY is there is absolutely no evidence that he's into you more than a co-worker, and maybe a girl at work he thinks is pretty.

 

If there is more information that would indicate otherwise, please do tell!

 

I am pretty open minded and willing to consider I am wrong, but need more than what you're giving us.

[maew]

I felt that someone was looking at me and but I did not look back and then the people he was talking to were all looking at my direction. it happened all the time. sometimes I did not even know that he was there but then felt that someone was looking at me and looked in his direction and then saw him. also he looked at me when I talked to other people. I felt he was looking at me and people turned around to him as they also felt it. then his manager started looking at him and at me after this happened. he also did this in meetings with higher managers this why I am not sure if he was really messing cause you would not do that in front of higher management, right? also sometimes he was behind me talking to someone and when I turned around and looked at him he laughed. well he either laughed at me or he felt embarrassed that I caught him looking at me I think. The other reason why I thought he is not messing is that I only heart very good things about him and not that he does these things to women. So you think, he definetely knows that I have a crush on him? regarding confronting him the situation was a follows: he was talking to someone in his team. I interfered in the conversation and asked him if he had two minutes. he said sure. I then said to him, regarding last week that was a misunderstanding. he said what do you mean? when and what happend? I then said I can't believe you are lying to me. he nervously laughed and he said I am not. I accused him again of lying then also said that his team is gossiping about me. he said I don't think you know who my team is and he then said this is really awkward now and that he had to leave. so he was not being dismissive, right? he was understandably being defensive.

 

I would be horrified and embarrassed if any manager or any of my peers was observing or discussing my inappropriate behaviour... granted it sounds like he and his colleagues are being very immature by talking about you and laughing at you behind your back... but you are giving them a reason to do so by mooning over him and being so obvious about your interest!

 

This is a career limiting move for both of you.... if you care about your job, start being professional and forget about this guy!

[MissCanuck]

I felt that someone was looking at me and but I did not look back and then the people he was talking to were all looking at my direction. it happened all the time. sometimes I did not even know that he was there but then felt that someone was looking at me and looked in his direction and then saw him. also he looked at me when I talked to other people. I felt he was looking at me and people turned around to him as they also felt it. then his manager started looking at him and at me after this happened. he also did this in meetings with higher managers this why I am not sure if he was really messing cause you would not do that in front of higher management, right? also sometimes he was behind me talking to someone and when I turned around and looked at him he laughed. well he either laughed at me or he felt embarrassed that I caught him looking at me I think. The other reason why I thought he is not messing is that I only heart very good things about him and not that he does these things to women. So you think, he definetely knows that I have a crush on him? regarding confronting him the situation was a follows: he was talking to someone in his team. I interfered in the conversation and asked him if he had two minutes. he said sure. I then said to him, regarding last week that was a misunderstanding. he said what do you mean? when and what happend? I then said I can't believe you are lying to me. he nervously laughed and he said I am not. I accused him again of lying then also said that his team is gossiping about me. he said I don't think you know who my team is and he then said this is really awkward now and that he had to leave. so he was not being dismissive, right? he was understandably being defensive.

 

I just think he didn't have a bloody clue what you were talking about and didn't want to keep talking to you. You made him uncomfortable and he ended the conversation.

[enna11]

I am not sure if I was obvious about my interest. what makes you think that he was also laughing behind my back and not just his coworkers (well it wasn't behind my back really) I mean I could see it. should I ask them what they were talking about? maybe there is a chance that he doesn't see the situation as bad as I think as he is totally aware of the gossip and feels guilty now himself? people keep telling me that he's a good guy. I hope he is not also gossiping about me. also what's so funny if a person has a crush on someone? should I give it a few days until I apologize? How should I act towards him when I see him? would smiling be appropriate? what if he mentioned this incident to other people? how can I go to work with dignity and confidence and how can I feel better now?

[Wiseman2]

Erotomania is a delusional disorder involving thinking someone is in love with you based on "signs". Delusions are not the same as hallucinations. Hallucinations are sensory experiences that do not exist such as seeing pink elephants or hearing voices.

 

Delusions on the other hand are the misinterpretation of innocuous or unrelated events as having a specific personal message, such as an ad on tv being a message from the government, or that people are wearing green at a work because a secret meeting is planned without you.

 

In this case his everyday normal work behavior, words or gestures are interpreted as a secret message to you that he is in love with you and you are in love with him. Delusions can be symptoms of many things that often strike people in their twenties. Why not see a doctor and therapist to help you sort all this out? It could only help rather than worry that people think you are "crazy".

[enna11]

I do not have this disorder and I do not think it is appropriate or nice to diagnose people that you do not know online. I hope you are a psychologist diagnosing this but as far as I know no doctor, psychologist or whatever would ever diagnose anyone with anything without having seen them. and what is the condition called when people diagnose other people with conditions online based on very few signs and brief texts they posted online without knowing them?

[figureitout23]

sorry to keep asking but how can you be so sure that this is all in my head without having been at present? Also by checking me openly out he was trying to convey the message that he is not into me? Also he was constantly looking at me (I wasn't looking at him at all) and that's when people started laughing.

is there at least anything that I can do to make him not think of me as being crazy? should I just be honest and explain to him that I have a crush at him and when he told me that he did not remember the encounter at the coffee dock, I was so shocked that I accused him of lying? I can't just leave it. I have to say something.

 

I am not sure if I was obvious about my interest. what makes you think that he was also laughing behind my back and not just his coworkers (well it wasn't behind my back really) I mean I could see it. should I ask them what they were talking about? maybe there is a chance that he doesn't see the situation as bad as I think as he is totally aware of the gossip and feels guilty now himself? people keep telling me that he's a good guy. I hope he is not also gossiping about me. also what's so funny if a person has a crush on someone? should I give it a few days until I apologize? How should I act towards him when I see him? would smiling be appropriate? what if he mentioned this incident to other people? how can I go to work with dignity and confidence and how can I feel better now?

 

To be honest, Im not convinced they were talking about you. They could have been laughing about a plethora of things. This interaction is based on your assumptions, there isn't any evidence they were laughing about you at all.

 

I think you are allowing your mind to get away from you and anxiety and a bit of paranoia may be taking hold here. I dont think hes giving your interaction nearly as much thought as you are, and honestly, like others have said, I think simply acting normal will settle things.

[Wiseman2]

Anyone can google this general information, which of course is not a diagnosis but something for you to read up on. However do see a doctor/therapist for a diagnosis and help navigating this and whatever other issues you feel are going on at work..

[Capricorn3]

what makes you think that he was also laughing behind my back and not just his coworkers (well it wasn't behind my back really) I mean I could see it. should I ask them what they were talking about?

You don't seem to see that they were more likely than not laughing AT you. You've become the laughing stock of the office and if you ask them what they were talking about, it just makes them laugh even more.

 

Time to leave all this fantasy behind and walk away with what little dignity is left.

[nutbrownhare]

I just think he didn't have a bloody clue what you were talking about and didn't want to keep talking to you. You made him uncomfortable and he ended the conversation.

 

This ^^^. For your own sake, leave this one alone, stop staring at him and get on with your work; that's the best way to stop people thinking you're crazy and also the best way of rebuilding your confidence and dignity.

 

Most people would be completely freaked out by your obsessive thoughts and actions - and all I'VE got to go on here is your own account of what went on. He didn't remember the 'encounter at the coffee dock' because he was only there to get a coffee - nothing more!

 

Stop reading all this into non-situations, where nothing was said and nothing actually happened. It'll all blow over if you let it.

[HealingLight]

The best and only thing you can do for this situation is to give him some space--both mentally and at work. It's obvious he did not realize you had assigned so much meaning to some awkward silence between the two of you the other week (regardless of whether this silence was happening because he notices you or just because he's shy), so accusing him of lying twice, his team of gossiping, and having built an otherwise innocent moment up in your head would sound like it was coming completely out of the blue. Any interest he may have had up until that moment would have evaporated for a normal guy.

 

I'm of the belief that people can tell when you're obsessing over them whether or not you vocalize it, so your best bet at recovering this is to stop letting him take up rent in your head. Be polite and cordial when you see him at work, but keep your focus on your tasks at hand, and this will be history. No one can guarantee or control what he will think of you, but your best shot at him NOT thinking you're bonkers is to give it space and do nothing. Be casual, act like you normally would with anyone else in every day situations. Don't apologize, don't bring more attention to the confrontation, just chill and let it be. No heartfelt confessionals--that will just reiterate the strangeness around the situation. If you really must attempt to revive the possibility of a date, let it happen naturally. No more confrontations... this situation needs time to go back to normal. Any more poking you do to it right now, imo, will just reinforce the impression you left with your accusations and drive him away.