Are there any people out there who are NOT self centered?!

[Rockchick26]

This is your problem ^^^. Well, it's not a problem in the general scheme of things, but will be if you don't set clear boundaries and choose your friends differently.

 

If you're a good listener, then people who want someone to moan to will choose someone who'll listen and put up with all their energy-draining rubbish. People who only want to talk about themselves will choose... you've got it... a good listener. If someone really won't stop talking, be quite blunt and say you've only got five minutes.

 

Yeah I have said that to a few of them more than once, they either get upset with me that I am not giving them as much time as I am giving other people, or they say "yeah i'm almost done..." and then they keep talking, one time I did tell a friend I had 5 minutes to talk because it was 4 am and I had to get up kinda early so I had to get to bed and she talked for an hour and a half even though many times I kept saying I have to get to bed. It just does no good with these people!

 

And then, on the other hand, you assume that everyone over 40 is over the hill. Believe me, plenty of those people at music festivals are over 40 - you probably wouldn't spot them because they don't fit your image of what older people should look like.

 

I didn't say over the hill, I just said we never have the same interests and they always have kids. And yes I have seen older people at festivals but where I'm up front by the stage dancing for 12 hours straight, people my age have already gone to bed or they are too tired to dance so they just sit in a chair by their tent. That is why I attract younger people because I am physically active and am friends with the bands that play there so I just naturally fall into the younger crowd because I look and act like one of them. But one of my friends is my age though, i think she's either a year younger or a year older. And she is no better than the younger ones.

 

But basing your entire assessment of all the older people on two people you once knew... surely, surely you must realise the absurdity of that!

 

Well obviously I know there HAS to be women in their 40's out there who are like me, but like I said in another post, it seems like the stars have to be aligned for it to turn into a friendship...they have to live nearby, be into the same things, not have kids, and have the time and desire for another friendship in their life. Most people by the time they are this age have dropped all their friends to raise kids and be with their spouses. It's just been my experience.

[Rockchick26]

I think that is it. Younger people are looking at you as an aunt or mom figure than a friend.

 

But one of my friends is my age, maybe a year older or a year younger, I can't remember, and she's one of the worst ones. I dont think they look at me as a mom figure because they often ridicule me or pick on me, not in a bad way but it's hard to explain...like one time two of my friends were trying to give me advice about sex because I have barely had sex and they were like ganging up on me to make me feel inexperienced, which I am, but they certainly don't treat me like an older wiser person, they treat me like I am inexperienced with everything. I am inexperienced with a lot of things but they don't have to make me the butt of the conversation because of it.

 

Oh btw... I am 51 and not a grandma. ;)

 

Are you a mother though?

[Rockchick26]

 

Have you ever tried expressing how you feel, to your friends?

 

Yeah, a few of them, but it either ends in unresolved arguments or they deny they are that way or they say something that is either a lie or just sounds ridiculous and the discussion goes nowhere. One (my boyfriend) shuts down and just doesn't know how to respond whenever I bring it up to him.

 

As another poster said, it's perhaps better off if you spend time with people more your age or younger.

 

Did you mean older? Actually one of my friends is my age or a year younger or a year older, i cant remember, and she's one of the worst ones. And another one is only 3 years younger so that's still in the 40's, and another is 36 so that's not terribly young either. Another is 33. But my boyfriend is 28 so I give him a break, he just isn't experienced enough to know how to act in relationships, his only previous relationships were in his teens so he was single for many years before I came along.

 

Personally, I tend to phase friends out who don't make an effort. They're usually moan and wonder why the moment they realize the -1 friend on their Facebook account is you, but I usually politely them I'm no longer investing my time / energy in someone who doesn't reciprocates. Maybe you can try phasing people out, and refocusing efforts on forming new friends with new people?

 

Oh it's not that they don't put energy into reciprocating and keeping the friendship going, they do that, more than I do actually. I have started to try to pull away from all of them but they demand my attention too much.

 

As for your boyfriend; communication is key. If you're unhappy, then you need to talk to him.

 

Well it isn't that i'm completely unhappy, I just have a lot of moments where I wish things were different, but also a lot of moments where I feel grateful I have a good guy like him. (He does have good qualities, just doesn't know how to take the attention off himself, lol)

[Rockchick26]

I'm 51 and I have a 9 year old. And I try not to talk about him much at all other than to my mom and sis who can't get enough of hearing about him since we don't live close by. Don't discount moms as potential friends -I have friends who have all sorts of lifestyles -single, married, dating, gay, straight, religious, not religious, etc. That's not how I define who would make a good friend or continue to make a good friend (i.e. friends who have a new baby/get divorced, etc.)

 

I really would have no problem being friends with someone who is a mom, it isn't even that i'm against that, it's just that when friends get married and have babies, the friendship slips away because they have no time for friends anymore. This has happened with all my high school friends and my best female friend I had for 20 years. But I would still hang out with a mom, it's that THEY don't want to.

 

I tend sometimes to talk too much but i am very self-conscious of it so I either make sure to balance it next time (if we have to end the convo for some reason) or I will literally stop and interrupt myself and switch gears "ok enough about me" and will ask how the person is or a specific question - and listen as well. I am very curious about other people, what's going on, what makes them tick. And I dont' think I'm unusual in that regard. Oh, and I also care a great deal about my friends so it's not just idle curiosity. We are out there -and yes, like me you might find women or men who are overly chatty at times but if they really care about you they'll self-censor or, if you change the subject will take the cue that they overstepped that one time. Just cut some slack with those who mean well and have those verbal diahrrhea times. (I worry about what you wrote about even though I don't mean to be overly chatty- and then a new work friend said to me at one of our bi-monthly lunches that one thing she really liked about me was what a good and interested listener i was so maybe it's ok).

 

You sound so normal compared to my friends, lol I doubt they ever become self conscious of how much they are talking about themselves, otherwise they would do what you do and balance it out.

[Batya33]

I really would have no problem being friends with someone who is a mom, it isn't even that i'm against that, it's just that when friends get married and have babies, the friendship slips away because they have no time for friends anymore. This has happened with all my high school friends and my best female friend I had for 20 years. But I would still hang out with a mom, it's that THEY don't want to.

 

 

 

You sound so normal compared to my friends, lol I doubt they ever become self conscious of how much they are talking about themselves, otherwise they would do what you do and balance it out.

 

You make a lot of excuses. So, it depends how much you want what you say you want -and I say it that way because you are benefiting from the imbalance - maybe you like the feeling of being in control then playing the victim/martyr. If I told someone I had five minutes to talk in advance and the five minutes was up I would say "sorry like I said I have to go now - can we talk on ____?" On the flip side I have a friend who is constantly interrupting our phone conversation to read a non-urgent text from her adult child, or some even less pressing concern -so I have my boundaries. Once is fine but after that if it's not urgent I say nicely "I have to go now" - or if she says she has to go, can she call me back -I say sure -but I don't call her back - not to keep score to keep boundaries of how I expect to be treated. (Yes if a person tells me in advance that we likely will be interrupted, fine). Keep to your boundaries. After five minutes ,if it's not a life and death emergency, you end the call -and if it is, you say you will call 911 if needed. Really get to the bottom of how you are benefitting from the imbalance -be honest with yourself -even if the benefit is you get to complain about it and tell yourself what a great listener you are.

 

I have several friends in their 30s, 40s and up who do not have children. I was one of them in my 30s. And yes lifestyles change post-kids, post-marriage, post-divorce and when your parent gets too old to take care of herself and needs you to travel hundreds of miles to see her and help her shower as a friend of mine is doing this week. And if we're good friends or getting to be we roll with it, we trust that things will balance out more or less, less or more. It's not just about kids or no kids. I think people who marry, have kids and use that as an excuse for "no time for friends" really mean "I never really cared about having close friends - they were just there for me to party with in my 20s until I became Smug Married -friends are for single people because single people have ohhhh so much time and no responsibilties'. Ick. People who really want close friendships do not toss them away during life changes. They may not go out at night anymore or rarely, they may need to text with you at 7am on a Sunday morning if you are around because their child is watching cartoon network, they may need to wash dishes while they talk at 10:00pm or tell you "I cant talk after 9 - my child might wake up from the noise" - but they put in the effort in other ways. It's not about stars aligning - figure out how you benefit from being the doormat, take it from there, figure out how hard you want to work and get yourself out there to meet good people. Simple but not easy. (And yes I washed dishes when one of my nieces told me her proposal story -and she heard the water and was upset with me - and you know what -I can wash dishes in my sleep and if I wanted sleep that night I had to wash dishes then even though she just got engaged -and now she has 2 kids of her own and she gets it -it's not about kids - she could have adopted two dogs, or gotten an intense new job -point is - show some empathy and don't get put off by running water or a flushing toilet - if your friend is there for you and listening that's all that matters).

 

Good luck.

[Seraphim]

But one of my friends is my age, maybe a year older or a year younger, I can't remember, and she's one of the worst ones. I dont think they look at me as a mom figure because they often ridicule me or pick on me, not in a bad way but it's hard to explain...like one time two of my friends were trying to give me advice about sex because I have barely had sex and they were like ganging up on me to make me feel inexperienced, which I am, but they certainly don't treat me like an older wiser person, they treat me like I am inexperienced with everything. I am inexperienced with a lot of things but they don't have to make me the butt of the conversation because of it.

 

 

 

Are you a mother though?

 

I a mom, yes. My son is almost 21.

[nutbrownhare]

Really get to the bottom of how you are benefitting from the imbalance -be honest with yourself -even if the benefit is you get to complain about it and tell yourself what a great listener you are.

 

This ^^^ can be a useful tool for self examination. I had a friend who was training to be a clinical psychologist, and used to complain that all her friends used her as a therapist. My experience was that when we were together, just average social occasions, she would try to probe into areas of my life or past that she considered worthy of therapy and ask all sorts of intrusive questions. I got pretty expert at dodging them and changing the subject.

 

Not only did she complain that all her friends used her as a therapist, but she told me that I was not prepared to face my past and that I didn't realise that I was avoiding all my significant issues. In other words, still setting herself up as 'therapist' whether this was asked for or not.

 

Fact of the matter was... I already HAD a therapist, and didn't need another one, especially not her.

 

But she had set up a situation where she could tell herself she was the all-seeing, all-knowing one and everyone else was flawed in some way. She could see herself as superior, and then complain about the people who were reacting to the hooks she herself was throwing out.

 

It sounds as though you have set yourself up in a situation where the people around you ARE self-centred, are failing to recognise other potential opportunities for friendships - then you're complaining about the relationships you've got. Until you look at your own contribution to the dynamics, and do something differently, this is the way things are going to be for you.

[Rockchick26]

You make a lot of excuses. So, it depends how much you want what you say you want -and I say it that way because you are benefiting from the imbalance - maybe you like the feeling of being in control then playing the victim/martyr. If I told someone I had five minutes to talk in advance and the five minutes was up I would say "sorry like I said I have to go now - can we talk on ____?" On the flip side I have a friend who is constantly interrupting our phone conversation to read a non-urgent text from her adult child, or some even less pressing concern -so I have my boundaries. Once is fine but after that if it's not urgent I say nicely "I have to go now" - or if she says she has to go, can she call me back -I say sure -but I don't call her back - not to keep score to keep boundaries of how I expect to be treated. (Yes if a person tells me in advance that we likely will be interrupted, fine). Keep to your boundaries. After five minutes ,if it's not a life and death emergency, you end the call -and if it is, you say you will call 911 if needed. Really get to the bottom of how you are benefitting from the imbalance -be honest with yourself -even if the benefit is you get to complain about it and tell yourself what a great listener you are.

 

I don't know why I would want anything to complain about, it's been my goal for the last 10 years to make my life exactly how I want it, that means to have nothing to complain about. I also can't think of any benefits to having self absorbed friends, the only "benefit" is just the fact that they are the only friends I have and i don't want to be friendless. I have been trying to find better ones but the better ones I find end up being self absorbed too.

 

I have several friends in their 30s, 40s and up who do not have children. I was one of them in my 30s. And yes lifestyles change post-kids, post-marriage, post-divorce and when your parent gets too old to take care of herself and needs you to travel hundreds of miles to see her and help her shower as a friend of mine is doing this week. And if we're good friends or getting to be we roll with it, we trust that things will balance out more or less, less or more. It's not just about kids or no kids. I think people who marry, have kids and use that as an excuse for "no time for friends" really mean "I never really cared about having close friends - they were just there for me to party with in my 20s until I became Smug Married -friends are for single people because single people have ohhhh so much time and no responsibilties'. Ick. People who really want close friendships do not toss them away during life changes. They may not go out at night anymore or rarely, they may need to text with you at 7am on a Sunday morning if you are around because their child is watching cartoon network, they may need to wash dishes while they talk at 10:00pm or tell you "I cant talk after 9 - my child might wake up from the noise" - but they put in the effort in other ways. It's not about stars aligning - figure out how you benefit from being the doormat, take it from there, figure out how hard you want to work and get yourself out there to meet good people. Simple but not easy. (And yes I washed dishes when one of my nieces told me her proposal story -and she heard the water and was upset with me - and you know what -I can wash dishes in my sleep and if I wanted sleep that night I had to wash dishes then even though she just got engaged -and now she has 2 kids of her own and she gets it -it's not about kids - she could have adopted two dogs, or gotten an intense new job -point is - show some empathy and don't get put off by running water or a flushing toilet - if your friend is there for you and listening that's all that matters).

 

It sounds like you are trying to tell me how these people should act, but I already know this. I would be fine with all of this. THEY are not. So apparently none of my past friends really wanted a friendship with me, since they pushed me away once they had kids and got married.

[Rockchick26]

This ^^^ can be a useful tool for self examination. I had a friend who was training to be a clinical psychologist, and used to complain that all her friends used her as a therapist. My experience was that when we were together, just average social occasions, she would try to probe into areas of my life or past that she considered worthy of therapy and ask all sorts of intrusive questions. I got pretty expert at dodging them and changing the subject.

 

Not only did she complain that all her friends used her as a therapist, but she told me that I was not prepared to face my past and that I didn't realise that I was avoiding all my significant issues. In other words, still setting herself up as 'therapist' whether this was asked for or not.

 

Fact of the matter was... I already HAD a therapist, and didn't need another one, especially not her.

 

But she had set up a situation where she could tell herself she was the all-seeing, all-knowing one and everyone else was flawed in some way. She could see herself as superior, and then complain about the people who were reacting to the hooks she herself was throwing out.

 

It sounds as though you have set yourself up in a situation where the people around you ARE self-centred, are failing to recognise other potential opportunities for friendships - then you're complaining about the relationships you've got. Until you look at your own contribution to the dynamics, and do something differently, this is the way things are going to be for you.

 

But what do I do different, suddenly start being a bad friend? I am a loyal, compassionate, caring person and I am not going to change any of those good qualities about myself just so I attract people who worship me. That doesn't sound balanced either.

[LightWave93]

Just an FYI; there is a multi-quote function. It's located next to the "Reply with Quote" button. It would save you having to make multiple posts in response to our messages. It's not really an issue though.

 

Yeah, a few of them, but it either ends in unresolved arguments or they deny they are that way or they say something that is either a lie or just sounds ridiculous and the discussion goes nowhere. One (my boyfriend) shuts down and just doesn't know how to respond whenever I bring it up to him.

 

A lack on understanding and willingness to listen to my concerns is generally where I draw the lines when it comes to overstayed "friendships". I've never gotten into a fight about it, but if I get the impression someone isn't too fussed, I cut them lose.

 

Coincidentally, two particular people I had a lot in common with attempted to contact me shortly after I'd deleted them, wondering why I had. As I said, often times people are more concerned with their total friends on social media than the actual people themselves.

 

Did you mean older? Actually one of my friends is my age or a year younger or a year older, i cant remember, and she's one of the worst ones. And another one is only 3 years younger so that's still in the 40's, and another is 36 so that's not terribly young either. Another is 33. But my boyfriend is 28 so I give him a break, he just isn't experienced enough to know how to act in relationships, his only previous relationships were in his teens so he was single for many years before I came along.

 

Yes, older.

 

So you're in your 40's? Then although it's not outside the realm of possibility to act this way, it is interesting to see the same dynamics playing out in that age range in comparison to my 20's. in that case, I'd argue it's simply the nature of people in modern culture; too much self-absorption and lack on consideration for those around them.

 

Oh it's not that they don't put energy into reciprocating and keeping the friendship going, they do that, more than I do actually. I have started to try to pull away from all of them but they demand my attention too much.

 

Then you continue to do that, pulling away. If a relationship isn't benefiting you in some way or it's become more of a burden, then you should distance yourself. They can either adjust accordingly or lose out.

[journeynow]

I just want a friend who is equally as interested in my life as I am about theirs.

 

I am a loyal, compassionate, caring person and I am not going to change any of those good qualities about myself just so I attract people who worship me.

 

Do you worship those friends you are loyal, compassionate and caring toward? Why do you think finding a friend who is equally interested in you means they would worship you? Changing how you act with the friends doesn't mean you have to be friendless. A new good friend might not automatically appear in your normal pattern of life, but perhaps if you expand your circle, reach out to new people as a practice, a few of those new people might click with you over time.

 

It has been true for me that as I've grown older building friendships has changed. It most likely takes repeated connections, or crossing paths, before one of us reaches out to offer an invitation to do something together. And it may or may not build slowly from there.

[itsallgrand]

Well they all have different kinds of personalities (other than being self absorbed, lol), they are all so different,...I think what attracts them to me is that I am a good listener and a good friend, it's always other people who initiate friendships with me, I have just gone with the flow and hung out with whoever wanted to hang out with me, so I am not picking these people, they are picking me.

 

I'm thinking maybe it would help if you took more of a proactive approach. When you are out and about, take note of people you find interesting and whose company you enjoy. Notice the qualities in people that you appreciate in a friend. And when you can, try to engage these people.

 

It's sort of like dating. If you limit yourself to those who take the initiative first and 'pick you', you automatically put yourself in a disadvantaged position. If you come at it like two equals , you have a better chance of finding those who understand about give and take.

 

Also, like my stepdad told me years ago, a big chunk of life is about maintainance. Managing relationships as they are happening is part of that. Part of maintaince is clearing out that which does not work as it comes up. If a friend shows you time and time again that they are self absorbed, and you don't value that, cleaning out that time and energy for someone/something else makes space for what you do want.

 

Just some thoughts. I mean, I think it's universal that we've all come across some self absorbed people at some point!

[Rockchick26]

Just an FYI; there is a multi-quote function. It's located next to the "Reply with Quote" button. It would save you having to make multiple posts in response to our messages. It's not really an issue though.

 

Oh yeah I know how to do it, I just only use it when I am specifically replying to only a part of their message, otherwise it's just a general response.

 

So you're in your 40's? Then although it's not outside the realm of possibility to act this way, it is interesting to see the same dynamics playing out in that age range in comparison to my 20's. in that case, I'd argue it's simply the nature of people in modern culture; too much self-absorption and lack on consideration for those around them.

 

yeah i'm 45. I see this behavior getting worse in younger people, I thought people my age were not like this but I'm being proven wrong every day.

 

Then you continue to do that, pulling away. If a relationship isn't benefiting you in some way or it's become more of a burden, then you should distance yourself. They can either adjust accordingly or lose out.

 

Oh trust me I would be cutting them all loose if it wouldn't leave me completely alone. I probably will let them go once I find decent friends, if that ever happens.

[Rockchick26]

Do you worship those friends you are loyal, compassionate and caring toward? Why do you think finding a friend who is equally interested in you means they would worship you?

 

I think you are misunderstanding my meaning of "worship". I am not saying this in a good way. I am saying it like how people act when they know they are around someone "better" than them, for example when a band has fans, those fans worship the band members and will throw praise at them and do anything they ask for and stand around them just hoping to be included into their circle, and are constantly trying to talk to them, etc. That is how some people act when they are around people they are desperate to be liked by. I don't want anyone to be desperate to be liked by me, I want it to be a normal healthy friendship where everyone is on the same wavelength. I hope I'm explaining this right. Basically I am saying I dont want anyone to feel desperate to get me to like them, I just already like them. I want us both on the same level.

 

Changing how you act with the friends doesn't mean you have to be friendless. A new good friend might not automatically appear in your normal pattern of life, but perhaps if you expand your circle, reach out to new people as a practice, a few of those new people might click with you over time.

 

Oh yeah, I know, i've been expanding my circle like everyone is saying to do, but what i'm saying is by expanding my circle, I am still finding the same types of people. They are everywhere! All age groups, all interest groups, male and female, it's just so common.

[journeynow]

what i'm saying is by expanding my circle, I am still finding the same types of people. They are everywhere! All age groups, all interest groups, male and female, it's just so common.

 

Yes, it is common, but not everyone is like that. Don't give up.

[Rockchick26]

I'm thinking maybe it would help if you took more of a proactive approach. When you are out and about, take note of people you find interesting and whose company you enjoy. Notice the qualities in people that you appreciate in a friend. And when you can, try to engage these people.

 

It's sort of like dating. If you limit yourself to those who take the initiative first and 'pick you', you automatically put yourself in a disadvantaged position. If you come at it like two equals , you have a better chance of finding those who understand about give and take.

 

I rarely make friends by taking the initiative. I have before. What happens is either they just remain an acquaintance or they clearly give me the cold shoulder and dont show any interest, and I am not about to chase after people to be my friend.

[Batya33]

I think you benefit as you stated -because to you it's better to have these "friends" than be "friendless". Really? Why? I would think you don't just want warm bodies around who suck you dry which is what you are complaining about. How are they friends? And yes if someone goes MIA just because they get married, have a child, have another major life change -I mean totally MIA where they completely ignore you as opposed to just a shift in when they can see you/how often/how often and when they can call to connect then those people are no longer your true friends. They may have been good friends at one time but that behavior is not friendly, of course.

 

You protest too much. It's not nice to stay on the phone for an hour and a half in a non-emergency situation when you said you had to go after five minutes -that's not nice for anyone. You feel resentful, you don't want to be there, etc. - that's just you being non-assertive/passive.

 

No need to chase people. Chasing is not being proactive. It's chasing and it's selfish which is just what you're trying to avoid. I love the advice about being proactive. Every time I've wanted to meet new people that is what has worked for me.

[catfeeder]

Well, there are plenty of nice people out there who can balance a conversation and have genuine interest in their friends' well being and life. Also, not everyone in your age range talks about kids and grand kids. The right kind of people are out there, but you do have to work to find them.

 

If you move from one self absorbed group right into another, then you kind of have to take a look at yourself and what qualities initially draw you to those types of people. Maybe they are fun and outgoing and you easily connect to that, maybe it's insert whatever qualities here. Important to recognize that the good qualities that attract you to certain people will invariably come with some bad qualities and either you can deal with and accept those qualities as part of the deal or you have to change your approach to friendships and what qualities you are initially drawn to from the get go. Basically, some soul searching is in order.

 

Yep. Exactly my thoughts. We get to choose our friends. That means we're not at the mercy of the selfishness of anyone else. When in the company of self absorbed conversation, you can interject the request, "Can I tell you about [your topic] as a gentle reminder that you'd like to be heard. If you get plowed over after using that technique, then question the amount of time you really want to spend fighting to be heard. Meanwhile, explore your interests in community, meetup.org groups or paid classes and see who you can meet and cultivate as a friend with a common bond.

 

There are plenty of generous people in the world, but you can't meet them if you're willing to have your time sucked up by vampires. It makes no sense to do that only to complain about them. Skip them, and give your address book an overhaul.

 

Head high.

[Rockchick26]

I think you benefit as you stated -because to you it's better to have these "friends" than be "friendless". Really? Why? I would think you don't just want warm bodies around who suck you dry which is what you are complaining about. How are they friends?

 

Well with each one there is a different set of answers I could give as to why I keep them around and how they are friends. I am big on loyalty so naturally the friends i have had for 10-25 years are harder to let go of. And the newer friends are part of the festival scene that I am in now so I am around them at every festival, I can't avoid them, so it's much easier to just not stir the pot. As for my boyfriend, I am pretty sure we'll be breaking up eventually, I am probably going to be moving an hour and a half away by the end of the year so things with him will just naturally come to an end, I'm sure. I am just afraid to hurt him because he's been dumped by every girlfriend he's ever had and had a nervous breakdown and got put on anti depressants because of it, so I don't want to just dump him out of the blue.

 

And yes if someone goes MIA just because they get married, have a child, have another major life change -I mean totally MIA where they completely ignore you as opposed to just a shift in when they can see you/how often/how often and when they can call to connect then those people are no longer your true friends. They may have been good friends at one time but that behavior is not friendly, of course.

 

This is really crazy that I have been talking about this because the friend I mentioned that got married and quit talking to me actually commented on one of my FB posts today saying we should get together! It's been 3 years since we have seen each other and she's only responded to me once in those 3 years, so it's kinda crazy NOW she wants to hang out again. But I am kinda worried because I have changed a lot in the last 3 years and we never had anything in common anyway, we were such opposites in every way. So I'm sure it won't suddenly turn back into a close friendship again, but I will definitely hang out with her if she follows through.

 

You protest too much. It's not nice to stay on the phone for an hour and a half in a non-emergency situation when you said you had to go after five minutes -that's not nice for anyone. You feel resentful, you don't want to be there, etc. - that's just you being non-assertive/passive.

 

Well I think not nice would be cutting someone off when they are venting about their problems. I am not heartless.

[Rockchick26]

Yep. Exactly my thoughts. We get to choose our friends. That means we're not at the mercy of the selfishness of anyone else. When in the company of self absorbed conversation, you can interject the request, "Can I tell you about [your topic] as a gentle reminder that you'd like to be heard. If you get plowed over after using that technique, then question the amount of time you really want to spend fighting to be heard. Meanwhile, explore your interests in community, meetup.org groups or paid classes and see who you can meet and cultivate as a friend with a common bond.

 

It isn't that I don't know about other ways to make friends, my issue is time. Up until recently I was working 60 hours most weeks and on my days off I was either at a festival, seeing family, or my boyfriend. And now that i'm not working I am focusing on starting an internet business plus I might be moving so I don't have a lot of free time to meet new people right now.

[Batya33]

It isn't that I don't know about other ways to make friends, my issue is time. Up until recently I was working 60 hours most weeks and on my days off I was either at a festival, seeing family, or my boyfriend. And now that i'm not working I am focusing on starting an internet business plus I might be moving so I don't have a lot of free time to meet new people right now.

 

Bingo. You are choosing to spend your time on other things and prioritizing other things while believing that what you are looking for is needle in a haystack. You are entitled to prioritize as you see fit, you are entitled to spend your limited free time as you see fit. But then you cannot complain that you are not meeting new people. Time -and time spent looking into how to spend your limited free time is the only way IMO. Most of us in our age group are super busy. And if we prioritize meeting people, developing friendships, etc. then we make the time. If not, that's fine too but then I'm not sure why you're complaining that your particular friends are not a good match for you. Time is an issue to the extent you make it and of course the amount of free time and when you spend that free time, varies individually. And there are always extreme circumstances. My friend in her 40s is a married mom going through late stage cancer and aggressive chemo and surgery -more tests today. I would not exect her to prioritize meeting new people right now although interestingly we just met a year ago and she keeps in touch with me and we're trying to find a time. She's battling a terminal illness. So please don't take my advice to the extreme.

 

But what you wrote above is fairly run of the mill. When I was meeting new people and dating and then dating my husband I worked more than 60 hours a week, I traveled for work, I worked unpredictable hours (not shift hours like at a factory) and I made time to meet new people and made time to develop my friendships plus family time and exercise time. It's not time, it's your priorities IMO and again it's fine to say you don't want to spend your time that way. Not as fine to complain to the extent you are.

 

I am super busy too. And the other day I spent over an hour between getting ready and commuting to spend 45 minutes at a happy hour for a women's networking group -because I wanted to get back for our son's bedtime. In 45 minutes I had 4 substantive conversations with 4 women there (about 10 women in all when I was there), exchanged info with one, followed up to get her a referral for someone she might want to hire and we plan on staying in touch socially. So I spent more time getting ready/traveling than being there. Because I made it a priority even though I was busy and really tired. And my husband picked up some of the child care slack so I could attend. If I can do it so can you.

[Rockchick26]

Bingo. You are choosing to spend your time on other things and prioritizing other things while believing that what you are looking for is needle in a haystack. You are entitled to prioritize as you see fit, you are entitled to spend your limited free time as you see fit. But then you cannot complain that you are not meeting new people. Time -and time spent looking into how to spend your limited free time is the only way IMO. Most of us in our age group are super busy. And if we prioritize meeting people, developing friendships, etc. then we make the time. If not, that's fine too but then I'm not sure why you're complaining that your particular friends are not a good match for you. Time is an issue to the extent you make it and of course the amount of free time and when you spend that free time, varies individually. And there are always extreme circumstances. My friend in her 40s is a married mom going through late stage cancer and aggressive chemo and surgery -more tests today. I would not exect her to prioritize meeting new people right now although interestingly we just met a year ago and she keeps in touch with me and we're trying to find a time. She's battling a terminal illness. So please don't take my advice to the extreme.

 

But what you wrote above is fairly run of the mill. When I was meeting new people and dating and then dating my husband I worked more than 60 hours a week, I traveled for work, I worked unpredictable hours (not shift hours like at a factory) and I made time to meet new people and made time to develop my friendships plus family time and exercise time. It's not time, it's your priorities IMO and again it's fine to say you don't want to spend your time that way. Not as fine to complain to the extent you are.

 

I am super busy too. And the other day I spent over an hour between getting ready and commuting to spend 45 minutes at a happy hour for a women's networking group -because I wanted to get back for our son's bedtime. In 45 minutes I had 4 substantive conversations with 4 women there (about 10 women in all when I was there), exchanged info with one, followed up to get her a referral for someone she might want to hire and we plan on staying in touch socially. So I spent more time getting ready/traveling than being there. Because I made it a priority even though I was busy and really tired. And my husband picked up some of the child care slack so I could attend. If I can do it so can you.

 

I am not saying my priority is to make new friends, my priority is to support myself, which is kinda more important. When i was working, I would start getting ready for work at 3pm, drive there, work until 4:30 am and not get to bed until almost 6. Then i would sleep until 2. There was NO time in my day to day life to do anything fun let alone make new friends. And since going to festivals is my passion in life, I would wake up Friday and hurry to get to the festival, and get home Sunday evening and crash from lack of sleep. On weekends I didn't have festivals, I spent time catching up on errands, household chores, seeing family and my boyfriend and occasionally seeing one of my friends that i have known for 25 years (yes, a self absorbed one, but as I said, I am too loyal to throw away a friendship that has lasted my entire adult life).

 

And then I quit my job to persue a career I want to be in, so I am taking 4 classes and doing loads of research about how to build an online business. And I still go to festivals and spend weekends with my boyfriend and that same friend.

 

So I think it's fair to say that my priority should be supporting myself and my savings won't last forever, so that is why it is my #1 goal right now to figure out how I'm going to earn my income.

 

That being said, I meet more new people now than I ever have in my life, at these festivals. Over the last few years since I started going to festivals, I have made about 200 new friends on Facebook. One of them being one of the self absorbed friends. But she is the only one out of the 200 that lives close enough to spend time together outside of festivals, and she's also the only one who loves festivals as much as I do so we go to most of them. So it isn't that when i'm at festivals I'm not meeting new people, I am, lots of them, new ones all the time. But they come from hundreds of miles away so the chances of us becoming close friends is slim, 99% of them are just FB acquaintances who I talk to at festivals but that's all it can be.

 

And to add to my busy schedule of going to festivals, taking classes and building an internet business, I am most likely going to be buying a house within a few months where I will be growing most of my own food, so that will take up more of my time. Honestly I don't know how I'm gonna be able to do all this, but I can't help what my dreams are, so I'm giving it a shot. New friends will have to wait, or if they happen in the meantime that will be great. But I just can't foresee having the free time to add a whole new activity to my schedule just to make friends, when that isn't my priority. And that doesn't take away my right to be unhappy about my current friendships. I'm just venting.

[Batya33]

I am not saying my priority is to make new friends, my priority is to support myself, which is kinda more important. When i was working, I would start getting ready for work at 3pm, drive there, work until 4:30 am and not get to bed until almost 6. Then i would sleep until 2. There was NO time in my day to day life to do anything fun let alone make new friends. And since going to festivals is my passion in life, I would wake up Friday and hurry to get to the festival, and get home Sunday evening and crash from lack of sleep. On weekends I didn't have festivals, I spent time catching up on errands, household chores, seeing family and my boyfriend and occasionally seeing one of my friends that i have known for 25 years (yes, a self absorbed one, but as I said, I am too loyal to throw away a friendship that has lasted my entire adult life).

 

And then I quit my job to persue a career I want to be in, so I am taking 4 classes and doing loads of research about how to build an online business. And I still go to festivals and spend weekends with my boyfriend and that same friend.

 

So I think it's fair to say that my priority should be supporting myself and my savings won't last forever, so that is why it is my #1 goal right now to figure out how I'm going to earn my income.

 

That being said, I meet more new people now than I ever have in my life, at these festivals. Over the last few years since I started going to festivals, I have made about 200 new friends on Facebook. One of them being one of the self absorbed friends. But she is the only one out of the 200 that lives close enough to spend time together outside of festivals, and she's also the only one who loves festivals as much as I do so we go to most of them. So it isn't that when i'm at festivals I'm not meeting new people, I am, lots of them, new ones all the time. But they come from hundreds of miles away so the chances of us becoming close friends is slim, 99% of them are just FB acquaintances who I talk to at festivals but that's all it can be.

 

And to add to my busy schedule of going to festivals, taking classes and building an internet business, I am most likely going to be buying a house within a few months where I will be growing most of my own food, so that will take up more of my time. Honestly I don't know how I'm gonna be able to do all this, but I can't help what my dreams are, so I'm giving it a shot. New friends will have to wait, or if they happen in the meantime that will be great. But I just can't foresee having the free time to add a whole new activity to my schedule just to make friends, when that isn't my priority. And that doesn't take away my right to be unhappy about my current friendships. I'm just venting.

 

I agree with you and agreed with you. You do not have to prioritize meeting new people who may be better matches/better friends for you. You are complaining that all your friends and your boyfriends are self-centered. You are concerned that everyone is like this. You've been advised that this is not the case and in order to find that out for yourself you should seek out new friends. Now you say you have no time for new friends. As I wrote above a few times (not sure why you seem to ignore that but that's ok) you are entitled to prioritize whatever you like. But if you do not prioritize making new friends then sure you're entitled to feel what you feel and to vent. You asked if "everyone is self-centered" - and apparently "everyone" is limited to your specific friends and boyfriend. Is everyone in your life self-centered? Maybe. I wouldn't know.

 

Are you allowed to vent/complain and be unhappy? Of course! It's your life, your body, your mental and emotional health. Now that you've clarified that "everyone" is simply the individuals who you consider friends in your life right now then I see that you're choosing to exaggerate to let yourself vent/be unhappy. I actually thought you were looking for input on how to change your situation - others who posted here seemed to as well. My mistake. Vent away if it helps you to do that and certainly that kind of venting is a lot easier if you add the exaggeration of "everyone" being self-centered. Ironically, choosing simply to vent as you are is kind of self-absorbed -we all are from time to time of course just ironic in light of your complaints.

[Rockchick26]

I agree with you and agreed with you. You do not have to prioritize meeting new people who may be better matches/better friends for you. You are complaining that all your friends and your boyfriends are self-centered. You are concerned that everyone is like this. You've been advised that this is not the case and in order to find that out for yourself you should seek out new friends. Now you say you have no time for new friends. As I wrote above a few times (not sure why you seem to ignore that but that's ok) you are entitled to prioritize whatever you like.

 

If you agree then why do you keep replying with a counter response? And I am not ignoring your statement that I am allowed to prioritize, I am just responding to your comments.

 

Now that you've clarified that "everyone" is simply the individuals who you consider friends in your life right now then I see that you're choosing to exaggerate to let yourself vent/be unhappy. I actually thought you were looking for input on how to change your situation - others who posted here seemed to as well.

 

I said "everyone" because it honestly feels like no matter what new friends I find, they are the same way. It isn't just my old friends, it's my new ones too. And I was looking for input, i wanted to know if anyone else has this problem (which most replied they did or have before) so my goal was to see what the odds are of even finding people who genuinely care.

 

Ironically, choosing simply to vent as you are is kind of self-absorbed -we all are from time to time of course just ironic in light of your complaints.

 

Venting is not self absorbed. Self absorbed is when people ignore what you say and just keep talking about themselves. Venting is asking for advice and needing feedback about a situation. Do you think everyone who posts on a forum like this self absorbed just because they are explaining their problem and asking for feedback about it?

[Batya33]

"I said "everyone" because it honestly feels like no matter what new friends I find, they are the same way. It isn't just my old friends, it's my new ones too. And I was looking for input, i wanted to know if anyone else has this problem (which most replied they did or have before) so my goal was to see what the odds are of even finding people who genuinely care."

 

Yes, there are odds and you were given suggestions and your choice is not to spend the time implementing those suggestions. That's fine. You then said you just wanted to vent and now you write something different. So, I am confused and will not give more input because of the moving target problem.

 

I do think venting can be very self-absorbed in certain contexts. I am just responded to your way of venting -asking for input, then when it's given ignoring or coming up with excuses for the input given, then saying you just meant to vent and now writing that it wasn't just to vent. Perhaps self-absorbed is the wrong description -seemed that way to me. Certainly not all venting is self-absorbed in the least- I was just responding to how you've chosen to react to input here. And not just mine.

I know it feels like everyone is self-centered. Part of the reason you have those feelings is because you've now decided that you don't have time to work on meeting new people/new friends. That is totally fair - so if you simply want to vent but don't want to take the advice of those who have suggested how to make new friends and indicated that no, not everyone is self-centered -that is certainly your choice. Since I'm no longer sure whether you just meant to vent or not or do something else there's no input I can give. Good luck!