Are there any people out there who are NOT self centered?!

[catfeeder]

...And that doesn't take away my right to be unhappy about my current friendships.

 

You have the 'right' to be as unhappy as you want, but why would you want it?

 

When every time you press Button A, B pops up, and you hate B, then stop pressing Button A.

 

Whenever you decide that you're willing to do something different, you'll increase your odds of getting different results. Until then, you can defend your status quo all you want and wish that 'people' were different, but it just won't buy you anything.

 

Head high.

[Rockchick26]

 

Yes, there are odds and you were given suggestions and your choice is not to spend the time implementing those suggestions. That's fine.

 

It isn't that i'm choosing not to find new friends, I DO make new friends, they're just all the same! And I don't feel like I am choosing not to do anything just because I have survival priorities that obviously come first. I will still be making new friends almost every weekend at festivals.

 

You then said you just wanted to vent and now you write something different. So, I am confused and will not give more input because of the moving target problem.

 

I didn't write something different, they're both true. I am venting and was also asking for opinions. I was not looking for ways to make new friends because I know about all of those ways, I am just limited on time so the only way I can make new friends is at festivals which I will be doing, just saying that hasn't worked out so well but it's all I can do right now.

[Rockchick26]

You have the 'right' to be as unhappy as you want, but why would you want it?

 

I don't, that is why i keep trying to make new friends in hopes that somebody out there isn't self centered!

 

Whenever you decide that you're willing to do something different, you'll increase your odds of getting different results. Until then, you can defend your status quo all you want and wish that 'people' were different, but it just won't buy you anything.

 

Head high.

 

I have done different things yet getting the same results. I moved to a new town, got a bunch of different jobs, dated 2 guys, started a new hobby/activity (festivals) where I am making new friends all the time, so it isn't like i'm sitting around not going anywhere in the same place with the same people.

[Batya33]

I don't, that is why i keep trying to make new friends in hopes that somebody out there isn't self centered!

 

 

 

I have done different things yet getting the same results. I moved to a new town, got a bunch of different jobs, dated 2 guys, started a new hobby/activity (festivals) where I am making new friends all the time, so it isn't like i'm sitting around not going anywhere in the same place with the same people.

 

You said you are only meeting new friends at festivals because that is where you prioritize your time. That is not working. You say you have no time to make new friends other than at festivals. I gave my opinion above - you can vent AND ask for opinions. Above you said that you were mainly venting about the individuals you know - in fact I think at one point you wrote you were only posting to vent. Now you are not. So, no, not all people are self-centered and its really sad that you have and hold onto that perception especially based on your limited knowledge/experiences. Yes, IMO the reason you are having this perception is because of how you choose to spend your time, not because of how "people" are. It's about you. You are entitled to spend your time as you see fit and if you vent AND ask for opinions my sense is the opinion will be similar to what I wrote "you want opinions on how to change the situation, so to change, spend your time differently". You don't want to. That's ok, your choice, your life.

 

Survival priorities go first. Festivals and getting ready to move are not "survival" - and certainly shouldn't interfere with meeting new people outside of festivals (because you say you are not having success there) IF making friends is a priority. If feeling "right" about "people" and "venting" is more of a priority -perhaps because it makes you feel more comfortable, validated, safe (meeting new people takes risk - more risk than going to a festival you were going to anyway) and you seem to be very focused on making excuses and being "right". Sometimes it's better to be close than right. just sayin'

 

I think one reason you're having issues at festivals is because maybe you're meeting more "activity" partners than friends -so when it comes to the give and take of meaningful conversation (not that music isn't meaningful -I mean beyond the shared interest) either you don't have much in common or perhaps you attract people who live and breathe the festival life which is fine and good for them but might not be enough for a lasting close friendship. I'd say that not just about music festivals but about the general difference between activity partners and friends -it can be both but doesn't naturally overlap. Like people who tell me to make "mom friends" - why would I assume just because we're moms we have anything else in common or that we'll connect as good friends?

 

I agree with Catfeeder.

[RainyCoast]

i didn't read the whole thread carefully but i think you're fishing in the wrong pool for you, i mean given the qualities you look for in a friend

 

you can go to all the festivals you want and enjoy them

 

but that doesn't necessitate that you only scout for friends there.

 

i don't see why you'd limit yourself to making friends at festivals only. not to label an age or interest group offensively or anything, but it sounds like they are mostly much younger and a certain preoccupation with oneself is simply more "natural" in certain life periods, experience and circumstance, with exception.

 

additionally, you can "categorize" your friends. in that, some of them are obviously an excellent choice to party with, but not very fulfilling as far as conversation and such goes. take what you can get, and don't try to squeeze something they don't have out of them. you can find someone you relate to better outside of this one singular interest and still continue to go to festivals with your current crowd...or? if time constraints limit you, perhaps dedicate one weekend out of a month to something other than a festival, so you still get to enjoy them but are not limited by them. volunteer or go for a group hiking trip every once in a while.

[Batya33]

i didn't read the whole thread carefully but i think you're fishing in the wrong pool for you, i mean given the qualities you look for in a friend

 

you can go to all the festivals you want and enjoy them

 

but that doesn't necessitate that you only scout for friends there.

 

i don't see why you'd limit yourself to making friends at festivals only. not to label an age or interest group offensively or anything, but it sounds like they are mostly much younger and a certain preoccupation with oneself is simply more "natural" in certain life periods, experience and circumstance, with exception.

 

additionally, you can "categorize" your friends. in that, some of them are obviously an excellent choice to party with, but not very fulfilling as far as conversation and such goes. take what you can get, and don't try to squeeze something they don't have out of them. you can find someone you relate to better outside of this one singular interest and still continue to go to festivals with your current crowd...or? if time constraints limit you, perhaps dedicate one weekend out of a month to something other than a festival, so you still get to enjoy them but are not limited by them. volunteer or go for a group hiking trip every once in a while.

 

I agree with this and echoes what I wrote.

[Rockchick26]

You said you are only meeting new friends at festivals because that is where you prioritize your time. That is not working. You say you have no time to make new friends other than at festivals. I gave my opinion above - you can vent AND ask for opinions. Above you said that you were mainly venting about the individuals you know - in fact I think at one point you wrote you were only posting to vent. Now you are not.

 

I don't want to argue about why I posted, it isn't the issue. I'm venting AND wanting feedback, that's all I need to say.

 

So, no, not all people are self-centered and its really sad that you have and hold onto that perception especially based on your limited knowledge/experiences.

 

How is my knowledge and experience limited? That sounds like you're implying I have had less friendships in my life than other people. I know that isn't true.

 

Yes, IMO the reason you are having this perception is because of how you choose to spend your time, not because of how "people" are. It's about you.

 

But people ARE self centered, this is a fact. I am not the only person that has experienced this. Yes, I could find better friends if I had the time to focus on that right now, I think that is what you want to hear me say. But it doesn't change the fact that every single one of my friends I have had for the last 10 years have been self centered, and that hasn't changed despite the changes I have made, despite how much time and effort I have put into making new friends.

 

Survival priorities go first. Festivals and getting ready to move are not "survival"

 

Festivals are not survival no, I never said they were. They are just my passion, and I'm not going to cut out the only thing I enjoy just on the hope of finding new friends. And owning a house IS survival, I need to have a place to live. And when i had a job, THAT was survival too.

 

I think one reason you're having issues at festivals is because maybe you're meeting more "activity" partners than friends -so when it comes to the give and take of meaningful conversation (not that music isn't meaningful -I mean beyond the shared interest) either you don't have much in common or perhaps you attract people who live and breathe the festival life which is fine and good for them but might not be enough for a lasting close friendship. I'd say that not just about music festivals but about the general difference between activity partners and friends -it can be both but doesn't naturally overlap. Like people who tell me to make "mom friends" - why would I assume just because we're moms we have anything else in common or that we'll connect as good friends?

 

That could be right, not everyone who goes to festivals has the time or the desire to add new friends to their life. But by using that logic, even by me going out to do anything else to meet people doesn't guarantee they will want new friends either. The only way to guarantee that would be to join a club that is specifically for making new friends. And even then what is to guarantee the friends I make there wouldn't also be self centered?

[Rockchick26]

i didn't read the whole thread carefully but i think you're fishing in the wrong pool for you, i mean given the qualities you look for in a friend

 

you can go to all the festivals you want and enjoy them

 

but that doesn't necessitate that you only scout for friends there.

 

i don't see why you'd limit yourself to making friends at festivals only.

 

I don't limit myself to only making friends there, I'm just saying that is my #1 hobby. I also love camping, but the only person that I know who likes to go camping is one of my self centered friends, so I always go with him and his roommate. I am new to camping and often have issues hooking up my camper to my car and the utilities so I don't want to go alone otherwise I would do that. But when I go camping with them, we don't meet new people because we're there together. It's expensive to go out places in the hopes of meeting people. I don't drink so I don't go to bars, the loud chaotic atmosphere drains me anyway and I usually want to leave when I am there.

 

additionally, you can "categorize" your friends. in that, some of them are obviously an excellent choice to party with, but not very fulfilling as far as conversation and such goes. take what you can get, and don't try to squeeze something they don't have out of them.

 

I don't like shallow relationships though. I hate not being able to have a deep meaningful relationship with everyone. I have tried appreciating them for what they offer me, and that's well and good but I still always have that underlying unsatisfied feeling that I just can't shake. It would be different if I had even ONE friend that gave as much as I do, then the others would be much more tolerable.

 

you can find someone you relate to better outside of this one singular interest and still continue to go to festivals with your current crowd...or? if time constraints limit you, perhaps dedicate one weekend out of a month to something other than a festival, so you still get to enjoy them but are not limited by them. volunteer or go for a group hiking trip every once in a while.

 

This comes down to time. I haven't had any extra time and I probably won't for a long time, since I am in the process of trying to figure out how I'm gonna start earning money again, and most likely will be moving soon as well. Like Batya has said, I wouldn't have this problem if I had more time to find new friends, although like I have said, that hasn't worked yet because I am finding new friends all the time, they're just all the same.

[Annia]

Unfortunately sometimes we outgrow our friendships and have to either let them fade or take them for what they are: superficial/hang out friends.

 

Btw I hope this thread doesn't turn like the "work online without marketing" one in which you discarded every suggestion with an excuse lol

 

I don't know exactly what to do besides moving away from these friendships or express that you feel a bit neglected. I moved alone to a new country to a small place where I don't know anyone and I have to communicate in a language I recently learned that is not my language nor English. There are lots obstacles to meeting and communicating effectively with people but I've met fantastic people that I begin to consider friends/ potential friends. Sometimes you have to open up even if those people apparently are not like what you are used to and you'll have some good surprises.

[Rockchick26]

Unfortunately sometimes we outgrow our friendships and have to either let them fade or take them for what they are: superficial/hang out friends.

 

Oh I know this is a fact of life. I have had this happen a hundred times, at least. I'm ok with friendships getting outgrown, I'm just not ok with people who demand my time only to have it be all about them. It's a character/personality issue, not a dying friendship.

 

Btw I hope this thread doesn't turn like the "work online without marketing" one in which you discarded every suggestion with an excuse lol

 

That thread got out of hand because nobody had the open mindedness to see that there are ways to earn money online without marketing. But in here I am not asking for things to do, I already know what to do, I just don't have the time right now, but I HAVE done these suggestions and those things still haven't worked for me. I have said that I mostly just wanted to know if other people have this problem, to see how common it is.

 

I don't know exactly what to do besides moving away from these friendships or express that you feel a bit neglected.

 

I have tried moving away from these friendships, they don't let me. One of my friends just got off the phone with me after 4 HOURS! I never call her and she is always calling me, demanding my time, even though I have told her I hate talking on the phone. Another friend i got into a fight with today BECAUSE I told I felt neglected. She pulled the reverse psychology move or the crazy move, i'm not sure what category this falls under, but she stopped talking about her life and all she said to me for a week was "hey" or "hi" or "whats up" and then nothing. Then she said "I'm not talking about my life because you said I talk about myself too much so I am keeping my problems to myself. I am losing all my chat buddies." So apparently instead of asking questions about my life or bringing up a neutral topic, she just said hi and nothing else. That just shows how a self absorbed person reacts when this is brought to their attention, they don't know how to have conversation if it isn't about themselves. The same with my boyfriend, I will try to have a serious conversation about something and his way of responding is to not say anything. He will literally change the subject or just sit there in silence or say "i dont know what to say." I think the problem is just that the people in my life just have no clue how to have a real healthy two way adult conversation with another human being.

 

I moved alone to a new country to a small place where I don't know anyone and I have to communicate in a language I recently learned that is not my language nor English. There are lots obstacles to meeting and communicating effectively with people but I've met fantastic people that I begin to consider friends/ potential friends. Sometimes you have to open up even if those people apparently are not like what you are used to and you'll have some good surprises.

 

My example isn't as drastic as yours, but I moved alone to a new city where I knew no one. I met new people, yeah, but just because you meet people doesn't mean they all will become friendships. Like I have said, I am in a new place, surrounded by new people, having new jobs, having new hobbies, and yet I still find myself with self centered people. This is what made me think 'maybe most people are just like this'.

[RainyCoast]

Well honestly you can make this The book of reasons you'll never find someone who isn't a selfabsorbed disappointment or you can genuinely explore options of both meeting different types of people and accepting that some periods of life may pass without truly relating to anyone and nevertheless have tremendous potential to be satisfying.

 

I think you've been given good suggestions and you keep insisting they inevitably include the same type of people, or even the very same people who won't just magically become satisfying in ways you'd hope for.

 

You said you're meeting them every weekend at festivals and time and money prevent you from anything else. While I would understand you're tired of the flexibility required to customize ones life after big changes, the recalcitrance is not helping your social experience and in the long run is also unlikely to attract mature individuals who are more adaptable to life and people because, well, sheer living had necessitated they'd become like that.

 

Many ena-ers testify to having expanded their social circles and made lasting friendships through volunteering, which is entirely free and easily done on one of the weekends you'd otherwise dedicate to a festival.

It doesn't even have to be a soup kitchen or shelter if you're not feeling very philanthropic. Plenty quid pro quo options that might satisfy your interests better, and they only require you shoot an email to the local radio station or similar. Not to mention the not entirely free activities that realistically do not overburden your budget if you're paying for them occasionally in lieu of what you'd pay for a day pass or general admission ticket to a festival.

 

I feel like at this point you'd rather vent about others and your assumed helplessness in the situation ( which extends to the claim you are unable to introduce a healthy measure of distance in your current friendships by for example not picking up to answer the phone every single time or end the onesided conversation when you've had enough of it, or worse, when you need to be up for work an hour ago). That's okay. Honestly, sometimes it's close to impossible to move forward from something before we have brought ourself to nausea with our dissatisfaction and genuinely decided we are organically unable to foster it any longer and would rather either drop it entirely or go and try something different. When the disappointment has served it's purpose so to speak you may find a feeling of almost dignified peace in knowing you don't have to insist on being able to relate to people, or entertain them, and usually, with that comes an ironic ease of connecting more easily to those who have let go of the appetite to be indulged without reciprocating, and the associated focus on self.

 

Block calls sometimes, end a conversation saying you're off to a film festival this time, and occasionally, sit with the knowledge you're not "heard" currently, and it's really not the end of the world, even for a very social, communicative person. It's just life.

[Rockchick26]

Well honestly you can make this The book of reasons you'll never find someone who isn't a selfabsorbed disappointment or you can genuinely explore options of both meeting different types of people and accepting that some periods of life may pass without truly relating to anyone and nevertheless have tremendous potential to be satisfying.

 

It isn't the book of reasons, there is ONE reason, right now I have a lot going on in my life as far as figuring out how I'm going to support myself. Like I said, that should be and is my priority. Once I buy my house (if that works out) then I will not be paying any rent or mortgage then I can focus on how I'm going to earn money and once I can relax knowing I am not going to be homeless, then I can move up on Maslow's hierarchy of needs where friendships come AFTER food, shelter, safety and security.

 

I think you've been given good suggestions and you keep insisting they inevitably include the same type of people, or even the very same people who won't just magically become satisfying in ways you'd hope for.

 

I am not just "insisting", or as you seem to think it's lying, I am stating facts that are true for my life.

 

You said you're meeting them every weekend at festivals and time and money prevent you from anything else. While I would understand you're tired of the flexibility required to customize ones life after big changes, the recalcitrance is not helping your social experience and in the long run is also unlikely to attract mature individuals who are more adaptable to life and people because, well, sheer living had necessitated they'd become like that.

 

Basically what you're saying is the way I am meeting people isn't working and I am not wiling to meet people any other way. First of all, the way I am meeting people is through my passion, so why would I stop doing what I love (where I am meeting 20-30 new people every weekend) to doing something different in the hopes of meeting people there too? Like Paul McCartney said "People are the same wherever you go." Provided I am not meeting people in prisons, I am generally going to run into the same personality types. So I might as well meet people who are passionate about what I'm passionate about.

 

Many ena-ers testify to having expanded their social circles and made lasting friendships through volunteering, which is entirely free and easily done on one of the weekends you'd otherwise dedicate to a festival.

It doesn't even have to be a soup kitchen or shelter if you're not feeling very philanthropic. Plenty quid pro quo options that might satisfy your interests better, and they only require you shoot an email to the local radio station or similar. Not to mention the not entirely free activities that realistically do not overburden your budget if you're paying for them occasionally in lieu of what you'd pay for a day pass or general admission ticket to a festival.

 

I don't know why volunteering always gets brought up as the ideal place to meet people. The same people that volunteer also do other things, and the people at my festivals also do volunteering, in fact many of the festival goers get in by volunteering so they don't have to pay for their ticket. This is just a stupid argument, where you meet people doesn't matter, like I said as long as I'm not going to prisons to find friends, everyone goes where they go because they want to, not because they are self centered or not. These are the places i have met my self centered friends; online living 1500 miles away, as a childhood friend riding my school bus, at a festival, at a few of my jobs, and through other friends.

 

I feel like at this point you'd rather vent about others and your assumed helplessness in the situation ( which extends to the claim you are unable to introduce a healthy measure of distance in your current friendships by for example not picking up to answer the phone every single time or end the onesided conversation when you've had enough of it, or worse, when you need to be up for work an hour ago).

 

It makes no sense for anyone to want to continue venting, I just wanted to know how common this problem was and now I know it's pretty common. And I HAVE not picked up the phone when that friend calls, in fact for about 2 months I didn't answer the phone. But then she would just message me on FB. When I quit my job, she knew I was home and had nowhere to be and no bedtime so she started calling again. I think the difference between me and you as far as that goes is I am a better friend and I pride myself on that. Even though my good friend qualities are biting me in the ass, I'm still a better friend.

 

Block calls sometimes, end a conversation saying you're off to a film festival this time, and occasionally, sit with the knowledge you're not "heard" currently, and it's really not the end of the world, even for a very social, communicative person. It's just life.

 

I have done those things, they don't change anything. And I don't want to go through life not being heard, no one should. When we are isolated socially, it isn't healthy.

[saluk]

Yes, there are a lot of self-centered people out there. Sorry that you are at a time in your life where you feel surrounded by them. No, it's not everybody. For instance, there are people who use their extra free time online to go listen to other people's problems and try in whatever limited capacity they have to help.

 

I cannot imagine someone calling me and talking at me on the phone for 4 hours when I didn't have the time to listen. How hard is it to say "I have to go now, talk to you later. Bye."? It's not rude or self-centered to do that, it's just reasonable in the face of someone who is being unreasonable. You aren't being a good friend, you are being a people pleaser. I would imagine that your personality type attracts people who like to dump on you, because you let them and maybe even unintentionally seek out this kind of person. It's not entirely fair to blame you per se - don't think of it that way. It's just that at the end of the day, we can't change others - we can only attempt to change ourselves. Have a read here and see if it matches what you are experiencing: "https://www.whatiscodependency.com/codependent-people-pleaser/"

 

I apologize if that was reaching, or if you feel like we are giving you a bunch of stuff to do that you've already tried. And I truly am sorry you are struggling with friendships, I think most of us have had periods, sometimes long periods, where our relationships (with friends, family, or significant others) are not fulfilling. It's not uncommon.

[Rockchick26]

Yes, there are a lot of self-centered people out there. Sorry that you are at a time in your life where you feel surrounded by them. No, it's not everybody. For instance, there are people who use their extra free time online to go listen to other people's problems and try in whatever limited capacity they have to help.

 

I think you just hit the nail on the head as to why I post on forums so much, lol This is the only place I can have real conversations with people that don't dominate the conversation to be about themselves. I guess forums serve as the friend I don't have in real life. Interesting.

 

I cannot imagine someone calling me and talking at me on the phone for 4 hours when I didn't have the time to listen. How hard is it to say "I have to go now, talk to you later. Bye."?

 

Oh we only talked for 4 hours last night because i don't have a job anymore, no bedtime anymore, and I wasn't busy. So it was ok then.

 

You aren't being a good friend, you are being a people pleaser. I would imagine that your personality type attracts people who like to dump on you, because you let them and maybe even unintentionally seek out this kind of person. It's not entirely fair to blame you per se - don't think of it that way. It's just that at the end of the day, we can't change others - we can only attempt to change ourselves. Have a read here and see if it matches what you are experiencing: "https://www.whatiscodependency.com/codependent-people-pleaser/"

 

I don't have time right now to read this whole article, i did read a few paragraphs and it kinda sounds like me but more so when I was younger. I am not as much like this now as I used to be. I admit I was bad, I didn't have a mind of my own. I think that is why as I am maturing, I am making up for it by having a higher tolerance to people's crap. Looking back, i'm sure a lot of of my friends were self absorbed, but back then I would have been ok with it, where now I am not.

 

Thanks for your kind words and sharing that article, I am excited to read it when I get a chance!

[IAmFCA]

I think you just hit the nail on the head as to why I post on forums so much, lol This is the only place I can have real conversations with people that don't dominate the conversation to be about themselves. I guess forums serve as the friend I don't have in real life. Interesting.

 

... of course, when posting on forums, we often get a certain permission to indulge ourselves. "Listening" is achieved by speaking our opinion in the form of advice (if here). Or, we are talking about our own experiences. Both, fairly self-centered acts, even if not solely so.

 

It is useful to think about ego and what happens inside ourselves if/when we let go of it. Can be freeing. Can he frightening.

[Annia]

If as you say you wrote to ask how common it is and you got your answer that it is common and if as you say no matter how and where and what you do, you'll always come across these people as friends and there's no way out, then this thread has run its course.

 

Keep doing what you doing, don't change anything then.

[Batya33]

If as you say you wrote to ask how common it is and you got your answer that it is common and if as you say no matter how and where and what you do, you'll always come across these people as friends and there's no way out, then this thread has run its course.

 

Keep doing what you doing, don't change anything then.

 

I didn't respond that I thought it was common. I don't. I do see why it's a common occurrence in her life and I do see that she changes her opinions throughout (i.e. first she complained bitterly about the 4 hour conversation she was forced to have with the friend - that was one of her prime examples of how she is treated badly by these self-centered individuals she says she encounters) and now she says it's ok because she has no job and no bedtime so she had 4 hours. But she doesn't have any time to go out and make new friends (obviously you can't normally meet people in the middle of the night but people -like me! - rearrange their schedules so that they have that block of time at other times of day like for a morning exercise class or a happy hour or an early morning volunteer shift). So if you have 4 hours to talk to a person who is in your view self-centered, with a little juggling/planning/coordination, you can find an extra hour or two (not even 4 mostly!) to do a more productive activity. Starts to look a lot less than "can't do" and a lot more like "I choose not to, but do choose to vent about my situation."

 

So I don't think the thread has run its course to the extent that she says she posted to vent. At least one poster above commiserated with her plight. To the extent she asked for opinions I think it has run its course because there may be many other good suggestions -or great ones! - but it's not going to be received in any productive way by the OP (but might make for a good back and forth for those so inclined. I am not so inclined.)

[IAmFCA]

This sentence applies to almost everything, yet it is the sentence that is among the most forgotten:

 

Starts to look a lot less like "can't do" and a lot more like "I choose not to, but do choose to vent about it."

 

Thank you Batya. (I've edited it slightly; meaning unchanged.)

 

We could pin the thought to the home page here: Want change? Make different choices.

[journeynow]

Starts to look a lot less like "can't do" and a lot more like "I choose not to, but do choose to vent about it."

 

Yes, this applies to so much in life. Venting may serve as a relief valve, and has value there, but it would be valuable to take it a step further to glean some self-knowledge.

 

While I responded earlier that I have found self-centeredness among some of my friends, I encounter it much less often now as I've become more discerning to the kind of interactions I find draining. Loyalty is one thing, but there is no need to sacrifice your own well-being (or loyalty to self). And when you play a part in an interaction you can steer it into a new direction when the old one gets stuck on self-centeredness, and can do it without being rude to the other person.

[Batya33]

Yes, this applies to so much in life. Venting may serve as a relief valve, and has value there, but it would be valuable to take it a step further to glean some self-knowledge.

 

While I responded earlier that I have found self-centeredness among some of my friends, I encounter it much less often now as I've become more discerning to the kind of interactions I find draining. Loyalty is one thing, but there is no need to sacrifice your own well-being (or loyalty to self). And when you play a part in an interaction you can steer it into a new direction when the old one gets stuck on self-centeredness, and can do it without being rude to the other person.

 

So, has that worked for you -meaning if one of your friends is acting in a self-centered way are you able to redirect and achieve a better balance where she asks you about you, etc?

[Rockchick26]

If as you say you wrote to ask how common it is and you got your answer that it is common and if as you say no matter how and where and what you do, you'll always come across these people as friends and there's no way out, then this thread has run its course.

 

yeah, at this point I'm just responding to new posts.

 

Keep doing what you doing, don't change anything then.

 

Well I will have more time to try to find friends in other ways, just not in the near future.

[Rockchick26]

I didn't respond that I thought it was common. I don't.

 

Yeah you don't, but others have said it is common. However, I have seen enough responses of people who don't have an issue with this, so that gives me hope I will find normal friends eventually (once I have the time again to focus on this).

 

I do see why it's a common occurrence in her life and I do see that she changes her opinions throughout (i.e. first she complained bitterly about the 4 hour conversation she was forced to have with the friend - that was one of her prime examples of how she is treated badly by these self-centered individuals she says she encounters) and now she says it's ok because she has no job and no bedtime so she had 4 hours.

 

I was talking about 2 different times this happened, i am not changing my opinion...months ago when I was working and did have to get to bed by 5 am, she would ask to call me at 4;30 am, in that case I did only have a few minutes to talk. But now that i don't have a job, she knows I can talk as long as she wants to. It isn't ideal for me, but it wasn't as big of a deal as it used to be. I was in the middle of researching what my next career is going to be, but that can be pushed back, unlike sleep when i have a job.

 

But she doesn't have any time to go out and make new friends (obviously you can't normally meet people in the middle of the night but people -like me! - rearrange their schedules so that they have that block of time at other times of day like for a morning exercise class or a happy hour or an early morning volunteer shift). So if you have 4 hours to talk to a person who is in your view self-centered, with a little juggling/planning/coordination, you can find an extra hour or two (not even 4 mostly!) to do a more productive activity. Starts to look a lot less than "can't do" and a lot more like "I choose not to, but do choose to vent about my situation."

 

The middle of the night is the majority of the time that I am awake though. I have a sleep disorder (circadian rhythm disorder, really) that prevents me from being awake in the mornings like normal people. So I am limited on the time i am able to do things. Most things close at 9 or 10pm and that's when I'm hitting my peak, so half of my awake time I am forced to go back home. As I said, I'm not interested in the bar scene since I dont' drink and been there done that for 20 years anyway (bars are not good places to meet people who have healthy friendships in their life anyway). So where else is there for me to go find friends after 10pm that isn't a bar?

[Rockchick26]

This sentence applies to almost everything, yet it is the sentence that is among the most forgotten:

 

Starts to look a lot less like "can't do" and a lot more like "I choose not to, but do choose to vent about it."

 

Thank you Batya. (I've edited it slightly; meaning unchanged.)

 

We could pin the thought to the home page here: Want change? Make different choices.

 

Sometimes it's not that simple. Like I said, I have made different choices and have gotten the same result.

[Rockchick26]

Yes, this applies to so much in life. Venting may serve as a relief valve, and has value there, but it would be valuable to take it a step further to glean some self-knowledge.

 

While I responded earlier that I have found self-centeredness among some of my friends, I encounter it much less often now as I've become more discerning to the kind of interactions I find draining. Loyalty is one thing, but there is no need to sacrifice your own well-being (or loyalty to self). And when you play a part in an interaction you can steer it into a new direction when the old one gets stuck on self-centeredness, and can do it without being rude to the other person.

 

I am heading in that direction more and more all the time, of needing to have loyalty to self. It is hard to end a 30 year friendship, but i'm getting more to the point where I don't care anymore. I really feel like after dealing with all of these people so much, that I just want to be alone now. I will be dealing with so much with moving and starting a new career that maybe I should go through all that stuff alone without my current friends, so I can focus on myself more and get my life to a place where I want it, where I can finally relax and enjoy life, and then work on finding friends who don't drain me with their negative self absorbed energy.

[IAmFCA]

Sometimes it helps to think of friends in terms of dosages,a bit of one, a dash of another, and maybe none serves as a main dish when we have yet to fill up on time with ourselves.

 

I do this. Allows me to keep some, when I might otherwise have none.