Are there any people out there who are NOT self centered?!

[Batya33]

Right. I am sorry you have a sleep disorder and if you can't go out until late at night how is it that you make the time to go to music festivals? Do they all start after 10pm? I thought it was more of an an all day thing. I agree that given your choices and priorities you probably won't meet new people right now and certainly if your current friends aren't suiting your needs or healthy for you being on your own is better. Good luck.

[Rockchick26]

Sometimes it helps to think of friends in terms of dosages,a bit of one, a dash of another, and maybe none serves as a main dish when we have yet to fill up on time with ourselves.

 

I do this. Allows me to keep some, when I might otherwise have none.

 

I get the concept...and that would work if you had fullfilling friendships in there somewhere, but if they're all the same then really you're just bouncing around from one toxic friendship to another, getting sucked dry at every turn. You need to be fullfilled with SOMEONE at some point. It would be like a horrible diet of fast food one meal, ice cream another meal, deep fried cheese curds another meal, and microwaved pizza rolls another meal...your diet is still 100% crap and you aren't going to get healthy unless you eat good food in there too.

[Rockchick26]

Right. I am sorry you have a sleep disorder and if you can't go out until late at night how is it that you make the time to go to music festivals? Do they all start after 10pm? I thought it was more of an an all day thing. I agree that given your choices and priorities you probably won't meet new people right now and certainly if your current friends aren't suiting your needs or healthy for you being on your own is better. Good luck.

 

When I'm at music festivals, I get there in the evening, and generally stay up every night til about 4 am, then I sleep as long as I can, I always miss the daytime activities but I can't help it. And they go for 2-4 days so I miss all the daytime stuff but I never miss the nighttime stuff.

[journeynow]

Sometimes it helps to think of friends in terms of dosages,a bit of one, a dash of another, and maybe none serves as a main dish when we have yet to fill up on time with ourselves.

 

I do this. Allows me to keep some, when I might otherwise have none.

 

Yes, this is how I tend to do it, too.

[journeynow]

if they're all the same then really you're just bouncing around from one toxic friendship to another, getting sucked dry at every turn. You need to be fullfilled with SOMEONE at some point.

 

That's where you use discernment and choice. You can choose to back off, catch your breath, get a bigger perspective, and choose differently, either by choosing to spend your time with different people, or play a different role with old friends. You may have to go on a temporary friendship-fast while you figure it out, but it is not a forever thing.

[journeynow]

So, has that worked for you -meaning if one of your friends is acting in a self-centered way are you able to redirect and achieve a better balance where she asks you about you, etc?

 

I redirect to a common topic, an interest we both share, which can feel less draining. I might not make it about me, and I've changed my expectations of these particular people.

[Batya33]

When I'm at music festivals, I get there in the evening, and generally stay up every night til about 4 am, then I sleep as long as I can, I always miss the daytime activities but I can't help it. And they go for 2-4 days so I miss all the daytime stuff but I never miss the nighttime stuff.

 

Cool so you do have time before 10 pm sounds like because you get to the festival prior to then. If or when friendships become a priority again I’d look into joining a sleep study for your issue. I hear about free ones pretty regularly - can’t hurt. And they will broaden your options for getting a new job or starting a new business which you say you want to do too.

[Annia]

I didn't respond that I thought it was common. I don't. I do see why it's a common occurrence in her life and I do see that she changes her opinions throughout (i.e. first she complained bitterly about the 4 hour conversation she was forced to have with the friend - that was one of her prime examples of how she is treated badly by these self-centered individuals she says she encounters) and now she says it's ok because she has no job and no bedtime so she had 4 hours. But she doesn't have any time to go out and make new friends (obviously you can't normally meet people in the middle of the night but people -like me! - rearrange their schedules so that they have that block of time at other times of day like for a morning exercise class or a happy hour or an early morning volunteer shift). So if you have 4 hours to talk to a person who is in your view self-centered, with a little juggling/planning/coordination, you can find an extra hour or two (not even 4 mostly!) to do a more productive activity. Starts to look a lot less than "can't do" and a lot more like "I choose not to, but do choose to vent about my situation."

 

So I don't think the thread has run its course to the extent that she says she posted to vent. At least one poster above commiserated with her plight. To the extent she asked for opinions I think it has run its course because there may be many other good suggestions -or great ones! - but it's not going to be received in any productive way by the OP (but might make for a good back and forth for those so inclined. I am not so inclined.)

 

I know. I don't agree that everyone is self centred like that. I was just saying that she heard some responses that were what she wanted to hear and she's not taking any suggestions, so she doesn't feel that she can or should anything about it because the outcome will always be the same. It's like on the "jobs thread" where she was complaining and people were giving lots of advice and she was dismissing everyone of them saying it wouldn't work. I'm just saying that regardless of what we say and opinions this thread like the other one ran its course.

 

But I do agree with your perspective and advice as I've been experienced it too and met amazing people too.

[Annia]

Sometimes it helps to think of friends in terms of dosages,a bit of one, a dash of another, and maybe none serves as a main dish when we have yet to fill up on time with ourselves.

 

I do this. Allows me to keep some, when I might otherwise have none.

 

I agree with this perspective. And every friend has their role. I have friends with whom I love going out and having fun but that I don't feel like talking with about deep stuff or how I feel and others that I trust to confide intimate things about myself and feel comfortable about it.

[Batya33]

I know. I don't agree that everyone is self centred like that. I was just saying that she heard some responses that were what she wanted to hear and she's not taking any suggestions, so she doesn't feel that she can or should anything about it because the outcome will always be the same. It's like on the "jobs thread" where she was complaining and people were giving lots of advice and she was dismissing everyone of them saying it wouldn't work. I'm just saying that regardless of what we say and opinions this thread like the other one ran its course.

 

But I do agree with your perspective and advice as I've been experienced it too and met amazing people too.

Yes. To the extent she claims tovesntvinlitvin a genuine way. She also said her purpose was to vent so for her it has not run its course orvitvhadntvuntil she seems to have resolved to not interact with any friends while she plans to work on herself.

[Batya33]

I agree with this perspective. And every friend has their role. I have friends with whom I love going out and having fun but that I don't feel like talking with about deep stuff or how I feel and others that I trust to confide intimate things about myself and feel comfortable about it.

 

I agree too. It’s also fun when you realize you can stretch the boundaries with certain people. I had an acquaintance invite me over and my son. I’d previously found her kind of shallow but sweet. But they say when we sat down with tea she made for me (plus she offered me chocolate - way to my heart lol) and I heard more about her background and experiences I realized I should be more open minded. We had a meaningful conversation and hope that happens again in the future.

[journeynow]

...tovesntvinlitvin ....orvitvhadntvuntil...

We need a glossary, Batya. I'm puzzling over these words of yours. ;-)

 

And every friend has their role. I have friends with whom I love going out and having fun but that I don't feel like talking with about deep stuff or how I feel and others that I trust to confide intimate things about myself and feel comfortable about it.

 

Yes, I agree with this! OP, it's not like you HAVE to end 30-year-old friendships in order to improve you world of friends. You can recognize what you value in each friend, which qualities you connect with and appreciate them for and meet them "there" while nurturing other friendships that offer you another depth of emotional connection. Not all friendships are the same.

[Batya33]

We need a glossary, Batya. I'm puzzling over these words of yours. ;-)

 

 

 

Yes, I agree with this! OP, it's not like you HAVE to end 30-year-old friendships in order to improve you world of friends. You can recognize what you value in each friend, which qualities you connect with and appreciate them for and meet them "there" while nurturing other friendships that offer you another depth of emotional connection. Not all friendships are the same.

 

Ugh so sorry -too much multitasking on my end -a lot going on.