Struggling with unrequited feelings and being removed from social media

[Annia]

And I forgot to add that rarely dating work colleagues is a good idea.

[Reflective82]

I always felt chemistry and that there was a flirtation but I didn’t expect a relationship no. But he always described us as close friends and now I feel like a complete idiot as clearly that was a lie? I just feel completely tossed aside and hurt

[DanZee]

Well, unrequited love is the worse kind to get over. Instead of drinking, get out and walk around. Maybe walk yourself to exhaustion and think about how what you feel has been one-sided. I don't think he led you on. In moving jobs, I would try to take my best performing employee with me too, whether male or female. It also possible he's not as nice a guy as you think he is. There are some hints, like the way he treated other people, that he might be Narcissistic and perhaps emotionally abusive. Maybe what you feel is a co-dependency and not love. In many ways a dependency can trigger more intense feelings (like withdrawal from an addiction) than a regular break up. But I think we both can agree that you got too friendly with each other for a professional relationship.

[Batya33]

I always felt chemistry and that there was a flirtation but I didn’t expect a relationship no. But he always described us as close friends and now I feel like a complete idiot as clearly that was a lie? I just feel completely tossed aside and hurt

 

I'm sorry you feel that way. I really liked Miss Canuck's analysis (and others too but that one really resonated with me). He cannot keep you on social media -it's too complicated. Can he be friends with you otherwise -perhaps, in the future - not now. It's just too risky for him including professionally. I'm sorry you let yourself go there as far as your feelings for him. I married a former colleague so yes it can work beautifully but not in a supervisor-employee situation except in really rare circumstances. I hope you are feeling better.

[saluk]

I never find anyone as attractive as him. Unfortunately he is very good looking. Sigh

 

That's your attachment speaking. It's total nonsense.

[SherrySher]

This was work, OP. He wasn't your boyfriend or even a potential boyfriend. He was your boss. He was polite in order to have things run somewhat smoothly.

 

But if he has a new girlfriend, then you were never in the running. And you shouldn't be hurt by that. THIS IS WORK.

 

It's not like it's a club and he was buying you drinks and buying her drinks and running in between you two.

 

He was being polite and friendly at work.

 

I think you turned it into a huge fantasy because obviously you are attracted to him. But by what I am reading, he didn't do you wrong, he just did his job and you misread how he was due to you wanting it to be more.

He took you off of Facebook when he realized you were taking things too serious.

 

Nothing more than that.

[Reflective82]

He is no longer at the company though so seems weird he waits till then to remove me? Feels he faked the friendship whilst we were working together then as soon as he leaves that’s it. I just feel embarassed and like an idiot really :( I don’t thihk I imagined the flirtation but maybe it was a bit of harmless fun to him

[saluk]

Yeah, again, he had a bad experience being let go and you are stuck on the "other side" so to speak. That's still my read on it.

 

Still, being flirty doesn't mean he ever thought of you as more than a friend. It is natural when you like someone to ascribe motive behind their behavior that doesn't match reality. You don't need to feel embarrassed - you got caught up in your emotions. So what. Everyone does from now and again. You're a human with all of the lovely weirdness that that entails.

 

This relationship was never going to go anywhere, and you even KNEW this, but still got caught up in the fantasy. Welcome to reality - it's ultimately better this way as you wont have to be reminded of him all the time. Social media is a trap.

[Reflective82]

So you think he is just removing everyone associated with the bad experience? I guess I’m seeing it as more personal and that he doesn’t like me.

 

I just feel so embarassed he knows I have feelings and like an idiot :( who knows what he has told people we both know. I keep feeling so low about how I’m so picky with guys and then the one I liked doesn’t like me and what’s wrong with me. Just feel like a complete stupid idiot. His new gf is a professional model as well which make me feel even worse

 

I don’t know how I should act when he comes in to pick up his stuff either and is all matey. I don’t want to be matey with him cos I feel that makes out like I’m ok with being removed but equally I don’t want to show I’m still annoyed

[boltnrun]

You act professional as you always should in your work environment.

 

I certainly hope all those arguments you two had were not at work.

[SherrySher]

Yes, I do think he is trying to move forward from the company as a whole and not you personally.

 

But please, don't take that to mean anything or that it could mean he did like you.

 

Somehow you've got to let it go and see if you can change your focus. Scour the dating sites and see if you can see any potential men on there or elsewhere.

 

It's not healthy to obsess over a man whom you never dated.

[saluk]

Yes, I do think he is trying to move forward from the company as a whole and not you personally.

 

But please, don't take that to mean anything or that it could mean he did like you.

 

Somehow you've got to let it go and see if you can change your focus. Scour the dating sites and see if you can see any potential men on there or elsewhere.

 

It's not healthy to obsess over a man whom you never dated.

 

Agree with all of this. You have been attached to a fantasy and are fighting for it not to end. But it was going to end sooner later, and the ending was never going to feel GOOD.

[Reflective82]

I’m going on dates with nice men but I just feel none compare :( i thought we would remain friends so guess I am mourning the end of that and tangled up in my feelings as well

[saluk]

You won't be able to attach to someone new until you are more detached. Think of it this way though: you were kind of disappointed in guys when you suddenly got interested in work guy. Who is to say when you might suddenly become interested in someone else - while in the middle of being disappointed in guys?

[Reflective82]

I feel liking/feeling a bit in love with someone for 3 years is going to be hard to get over. It feels so crap his gf is a model too. Like maybe i just wasn’t pretty enough for him. But you are right - I need to deattach and therefore no longer working with him is a godsend. Just still feel v sad about being removed as thought he may still want to be friends. I hope I stop having feelings for him soon - currently can’t imagine it

[saluk]

It might be hard, I don't know. All of my experience with "relationships" before my ex in 2012 were unrequited situations. Even with 3 and 4 years, I got over them pretty quickly, compared to my actual ex who I dated for less time and took longer to get over. I remember the feeling that I would be sad and stuck "forever". Emotions never tell you how long they will last, they are always infinite in that moment. But then I got better. And even got over my ex. And I would say I have a similar problem with attaching to fantasies as you appear to have. I'm working on changing that about myself but its hard.

 

You'll be OK!

[Batya33]

I feel liking/feeling a bit in love with someone for 3 years is going to be hard to get over. It feels so crap his gf is a model too. Like maybe i just wasn’t pretty enough for him. But you are right - I need to deattach and therefore no longer working with him is a godsend. Just still feel v sad about being removed as thought he may still want to be friends. I hope I stop having feelings for him soon - currently can’t imagine it

 

You are in control over moving on from him. You chose a very safe person to have a crush on - your handsome boss who dated people and wasn't dating you. That's safe. You can't control your feelings. You can control how you react to them. I wouldn't focus on meeting "nice men" - you're not getting a dog. Focus on meeting men who are single, available to date (not a boss, not someone who has a girlfriend or is married) and who you have things in common with. As far as "nice" - yes, pick someone who is a person of integrity and who is respectful to others including you and who is generous with his friendship and caring.

[SherrySher]

Also, OP, you keep on about his looks, how handsome he is, how other men don't compare.

 

That's fairly shallow.

 

There are many many men out there that have gorgeous hearts and will treat you like a queen. Beauty is only skin deep as they say and doesn't last. (We all age).

Concentrate on finding someone who is a good to you and treats you well and makes you feel loved, rather than if he looks like a model.

[figureitout23]

I appreciate how stupid this sounds - but I’ve just been feeling so sad and terrible about it. Like did he ever like me l, was the whole friendship a lie- was I just used as an employee? Even though I accepted nothing romantically would happen I felt close to him as someone I saw everyday. I wonder if he did it out of anger - in our row he said I was alienating him and trying to push him out of the company. I found this weird as there’s no way our poor working relationship would have led to him going. Was this just more manipulation?

 

I’m setting my expectations not to hear from him again but when he came in for his last day he was super false and friendly again although I could sense some tension still. It annoys me he thinks we are still friends and I want to message him to say we aren’t but I know that will just look psycho and pathetic.

 

I need to move forward and stop caring but I feel so hurt and just wish he could tell me honestly why he removed me - even if harsh it would maybe help me. I know I can’t message him without looking like a pathetic loser though.

 

It’s making me feel pathetic that after all this I still compare every guy I go on a date with to him and am still pining after a friendship that hasn’t really existed for quite some time. Not sure why I have these feelings for him but I wish I could be with him.

 

Any nice words or thoughts welcome xx

 

You say you accept things were one sided but you don't. You are treating his unfriending you as a betrayal. But you two were never 'on that level'. I really don't think you recognize that. Like someone else said, would you have changed jobs if it was a female coworker would you have put up with the way he treated people and you as a friend? Doubtful. You have to take ownership that all your actions were based on a belief that eventually he would return your feelings and him unfriending you was a crack in your hope, which was built on and to begin with. Unfortunately you are going to have to mourn this as if it was a relationship, because in your mind, it was.

 

Your getting advice based on the idea that you've accepted this was unrequited, but again, you arent there yet, at least not in my eyes.

[fwdthinker]

Unrequited love can hurt as much as a reciprocal relationship, I know. And it would have been easy for you to think he had more to offer you. The daily interaction, flirting, innuendos... It sounds like he is very charming and knows how to use that charm to further his endeavors... For a while. But then his aggressive unpleasant side pops back out (it happened at two companies, right)? He can't keep up the facade. But oh is it hard to let go of that initial picture we build of a person. We hate to let them down by taking them off that pedestal. It can feel like you are betraying the person you put on it somehow. I'm sorry you feel so badly and I see how you would. Don't beat yourself up. He doesn't sound like a very high quality person to me. Ask yourself who or what he represents to you. Also, sometimes we just love somebody and it can't be helped. Probably he reminds you of something or someone from your past or childhood and that is what is driving this sadness. It's okay to grieve. Use this time to get to know yourself better and treat yourself with tenderness and compassion (nix the drinking). Try meditation and also see if there is something you can throw yourself into for a while. Learn an instrument... A new sport or hobby? Join meet ups so you can build a new foundation of support and friends for yourself.

 

As for the social media thing; it's possible he didn't want you to see what he is up to or could even be embarrassed. You have seen him fail now more than once and a guy with this kind of history probably has a pretty lofty ego. I would suggest you really limit your time on social media for awhile. Take a break from it while you heal. You'd be surprised how helpful it can be to simply turn it off and step away. Read some good books. Take a trip. Pray. Focus on you and not him at all. If you think of him say "that was then -- this is now." Sending you lots of compassion.

[Reflective82]

I think unrequited has been worse in this circumstance as seeing someone everyday just made the feelings impossible to get rid of and also it’s a reminder that you aren’t good enough. Whereas with things that didn’t work out you at least knew that there was something there. I’ve seen his girlfriends who are all super done up often with hair extensions and fake boobs and it makes me feel I’m not good enough and no wonder he isn’t interested.

 

You are spot on - very charming and a big ego. I even know he has treated two stunning girlfriends badly as well as people in the company and myself but for some reason I still see the nice side as he can be so lovely. This is also an issue as I’m clearly not letting obvious red flags and people he has hurt put me off and it should. I’ll never know the full reason he removed me but having to accept he doesn’t want to remain friends even though he says he does which messes with my head.

 

Also just hard not to feel stupid or embarrassed for getting so upset over someone who you didn’t even have anything with but that’s the issue of seeing someone everyday for years.

 

Unfortunately I still have to see him at some work events - I feel once those are over it will become easier. If he gets in touch to see how things are going and make conversation shall I just ignore it?

[saluk]

He probably won't get in touch. If he does, you can be civil. He's probably forgotten how you reacted already.

 

See, the things about these fantasies, is you got all the good things about him in your idealism, but never had to experience firsthand the bad things about him.

 

The feelings of inadequacy... did you have these before you met him? Is that what lead you to explore the fantasy life you did? "What if I could get a guy who looked this good! He's nice to me... let's pretend that I could."

[SherrySher]

Op, why go to all these outlandish explanations. Couldn't it be something as simple as he just doesn't date people from work?

[Reflective82]

Well I did get to experience quite a bit of his bad side firsthand! I had insecurities like any other girl but they have been dialled up majorly because seeing someone everyday and noticing the kind of women they date who all look like glamour models definitely makes it worse. So the feelings of inadequacy have been really brought on by it and feeling like I should get fake boobs and hair extensions yes.

 

Hopefully he doesn’t get in touch with me - I wouldn’t want to be friendly because that shows someone can just do that with you and then still get to have you being friendly

[Reflective82]

Cos I’m a girl and torturing myself! I doubt it’s that - he just isn’t interested as im