Struggling with unrequited feelings and being removed from social media

[saluk]

Hopefully he doesn’t get in touch with me - I wouldn’t want to be friendly because that shows someone can just do that with you and then still get to have you being friendly

 

I don't see anything he did to you personally to justify a desire to punish him or send him a message. You have to own the fact that you engaged in a fantasy with no hope of reciprocation.

 

Dating hot girls certainly doesn't qualify. He didn't even know you liked him.

 

Which of the bad parts of his personality did you experience firsthand? As far as I can see, you got the flirty side, but were never close enough to see him as a whole person. If you had, you may have gotten tired of him as his other girlfriends or coworkers did.

[MissCanuck]

It's hard to remain good friends with someone when they admit they have feelings for you, and you don't feel the same way and you already have a partner. Expecting friendship after your admission isn't very realistic. That doesn't mean you need to beat yourself up over it, to be clear, but it was a big risk you took when you confessed to him. The dynamic changes when one person has a crush and the other does not.

 

You are focusing a lot on looks - his, his current and ex-girlfriends' and yours. I would evaluate that more closely, and try to figure out why you place so much importance on physical appearance. My ex was an objectively very good-looking man; he also modeled (though it wasn't his full-time job), had a fabulous body and turned heads. And he was also the most dysfunctional, emotionally abusive person I have ever met. Believe me when I say you have to stop taking looks as anything more than superficial. Good looks only mean so much, and now when my ex crosses my mind, I can't see his physical attributes as all I see is a deeply disturbed man whom I am glad to have out of my life. Looks mean little, in the grand scheme of things.

 

Anyway, this guy could have deleted you for any number of reasons. It could be work-related, or it could be that he guessed you had a serious crush on him and he didn't want to deal with it. The point is, he doesn't owe you friendship. It's disappointing, yes, but it's his prerogative to distance himself from you if he chooses. You are not entitled to anything, despite how you would behave or the choice you would make in his shoes. He isn't you.

 

I am curious, what is your dating and relationship history like, OP? You seem particularly vulnerable and this very much triggered an insecurity somewhere inside you. It might be worth it to examine exactly where that comes from, and why you allowed yourself to get so attached to a man who was never available to you. I also wonder if his less his deletion and more his lack of response to your confessional that is truly hurting you here.

[Reflective82]

I would get not remaining friends after my confession of course. I didn’t confess until after he deleted me though. You are right - he doesn’t owe me friendship. Obviously it just felt like a slap in the face to suddenly find out I had been removed when all along we have been ‘friends’ and I’ve known him for years. Surely it’s a normal reaction to be hurt by this?

 

Obviously the fact I had feelings for him meant I reacted far more strongly and why I’m feeling so upset - and I’m now having to accept I’m not going to have any more contact with him. To be honest looking back he hasn’t treated me well for the last year - he’s been pretty rude at times and not nice to me or others at work- so I guess in my mind I thought If anyone would delete someone it would be me deleting him. So it’s weird that clearly there was resentment there from his side too when from my opinion I feel I’ve gone and worked incredibly hard under him. He just doesn’t like to be challenged in any way as a boss and once people do he gets v angry. Certainly a few others in the company have said they won’t be keeping in touch and I’m not fully sure if he jumped before he was pushed. I guess I just thought we would remain friends and now I have to accept he doesn’t want to which makes me feel crap.

 

I know I’m focusing on looks. I really don’t know why - I think because having unrequited feelings and being reminded of it by working with him made me feel really not good enough and I’ve chosen to channel that into not being attractive enough for him. My dating history is usually that I don’t feel anything for guys and tend to stop seeing them afte rabout 4 dates - I thihk that’s quite usual with online dating. and I’ve been single for about 3 years since a breakup of a 4 year relationship. So the fact that I finally find someone I like and it wasn’t returned has just been terrible for my confidence.

[Reflective82]

@ Saluk- I think if someone removes you off social media it’s your preregotive to be offended by that and choose not to be friends though? If he wants to be all matey so he can use that and feel nothing has changed well sorry I won’t be doing now. But as you say he probably won’t be in touch.

 

I did see the bad side. I haven’t got into detail here as it’s a lot to write but he made me cry on numerous occasions and didn’t handle stress well. He could be very personal and I felt particularly in the last 6 months very frozen out. There seemed to be tension between us and I couldn’t work out why but he wasn’t a popular boss and clashed with many employees. He would also when we were more friendly ask me to do things and then just never get in touch etc. I felt like he would say we were friends to use that to manipulate me and keep me sweet but I never really got anything out of this friendship. Now I write it out I don’t know what I’m so upset about supposedly missing - it’s not like he made any effort as a friend for so long but I thihk because he would always say we were friends I then saw him as that and had accompanying expectations you would have of a friend

[MissCanuck]

I would get not remaining friends after my confession of course. I didn’t confess until after he deleted me though. You are right - he doesn’t owe me friendship. Obviously it just felt like a slap in the face to suddenly find out I had been removed when all along we have been ‘friends’ and I’ve known him for years. Surely it’s a normal reaction to be hurt by this?

 

Yes, and I have said several times that I get why you're disappointed and hurt.

 

I do have to question what type of friendship this really was though, at this point. You said you haven't hung out in a year and don't talk about anything not related to work anymore. This doesn't sound like you two have really been friends for some time now.

[Reflective82]

This is true. I’ve personally felt he hasn’t been a friend to me for a year. But because he would always say we are friends I sort of had it in my head we were - and due to the amount I saw him there’s been an emotional attachment. It’s a shame he doesn’t communicate as I think he’s had resentment or issues but just hasn’t spoken to me about it and now it’s led to this. Even now he said he still sees me as a close friend but this is just manipulative fake rubbish - you don’t do that to friends. I’ll need to take some time and get over my hurt feelings and pray he doesn’t get in touch and aside from these few Work events I don’t have to see him again :(

[JCSK]

I think unrequited has been worse in this circumstance as seeing someone everyday just made the feelings impossible to get rid of and also it’s a reminder that you aren’t good enough. Whereas with things that didn’t work out you at least knew that there was something there. I’ve seen his girlfriends who are all super done up often with hair extensions and fake boobs and it makes me feel I’m not good enough and no wonder he isn’t interested.

 

You are spot on - very charming and a big ego. I even know he has treated two stunning girlfriends badly as well as people in the company and myself but for some reason I still see the nice side as he can be so lovely. This is also an issue as I’m clearly not letting obvious red flags and people he has hurt put me off and it should. I’ll never know the full reason he removed me but having to accept he doesn’t want to remain friends even though he says he does which messes with my head.

 

Also just hard not to feel stupid or embarrassed for getting so upset over someone who you didn’t even have anything with but that’s the issue of seeing someone everyday for years.

 

Unfortunately I still have to see him at some work events - I feel once those are over it will become easier. If he gets in touch to see how things are going and make conversation shall I just ignore it?

 

I had two separate and major obsessions with men at work that I became close friends with when I was younger. One of them did say that he found me attractive when we were out on a works do but that he was happy with his girlfriend so nothing could happen. The other one was similar to this guy you are obsessing over, good looking but very egotistical and I think he just flirted back enough to keep me hooked as he liked the attention. It wasn't long after I left these two jobs that I recovered very quickly and reflected that it was more obsession/fantasy than actual love. I'm not dismissing your feelings as the grief can feel as real, but I think you'll be surprised at how nc will help speed up the process. I have a man in my life (10 - 15 years on) whom I adore now and I know I have a much better life than I ever would have had with mr ego guy. You have told him how you feel and so now he has deleted you so that you don't see all of his pics with his new gf and also so new gf won't get upset with him being friends with a woman with whom he had a close working relationship with and has declared feelings for him. This is not the same as his other previous coworkers and employees which is why he hasn't deleted them. Remaining friends and seeing his exploits on fb will not help you to heal. He has done you a favour in the long run. You have been forced to see him every day for three years, where little chats and flirty glances have kept you hooked, so no wonder you couldn't get over it. But now you finally have the chance to heal properly, away from this man and his droplets of occasional affection. Embrace the real world again and I'm sure it won't be long until you are feeling like a wight has been lifted off you!

[JCSK]

This is true. I’ve personally felt he hasn’t been a friend to me for a year. But because he would always say we are friends I sort of had it in my head we were - and due to the amount I saw him there’s been an emotional attachment. It’s a shame he doesn’t communicate as I think he’s had resentment or issues but just hasn’t spoken to me about it and now it’s led to this. Even now he said he still sees me as a close friend but this is just manipulative fake rubbish - you don’t do that to friends. I’ll need to take some time and get over my hurt feelings and pray he doesn’t get in touch and aside from these few Work events I don’t have to see him again :(

 

It's very hard to tell someone to their face that you no longer wish to remain friends. I agree that I don't think he really means it. Forget about his good looks. They mean nothing. It's how a man treats you that brings out your attraction for them that will remain a solid foundation of attraction in a long term relationship. He won't look like that for ever and if he doesn't have a good personality to fall back on what will he be in 20 years time?! And remember, one of the most attractive qualities in a woman for a man of any substance, is confidence, not looks. If he is just dating models with big boobs he is superficial himself and not seeking out the qualities in a woman that will sustain a lasting and meaningful relationship - his choices are a reflection of who HE is, not who you are!

[Reflective82]

This is such a great response - thank you. How long did it take you to feel better? I feel really bruised and like a complete idiot. So glad that I don’t have to work with him now.

 

It isn’t just the looks - I mean I just felt super attracted to him. And i don’t to many guys. Life is so irritating that you have to be attracted to people who don’t want you.

 

I agree he is very superficial - his women tend to be very tarty, fake hair, fake boobs, fake nail Instagram model types. I just figured maybe this is what good looking guys want.

 

I thihk I need to focus on developing some confidence as mine is at rock bottom currently!

[Batya33]

This is such a great response - thank you. How long did it take you to feel better? I feel really bruised and like a complete idiot. So glad that I don’t have to work with him now.

 

It isn’t just the looks - I mean I just felt super attracted to him. And i don’t to many guys. Life is so irritating that you have to be attracted to people who don’t want you.

 

I agree he is very superficial - his women tend to be very tarty, fake hair, fake boobs, fake nail Instagram model types. I just figured maybe this is what good looking guys want.

 

I thihk I need to focus on developing some confidence as mine is at rock bottom currently!

 

How is he superficial? So what if the women he dates work as models. Please don't make assumptions like that. You've focused a good deal on his looks in this thread as someone else pointed out. And if you thought he was so superficial why exactly would you want to be friends with him and why would you be sooooo attracted to him outside of his looks? One other suggestion -if you feel that "good looking guys" all want "superficial women" then reevaluate whether you actually like and respect men or are prone to those kinds of negative generalizations. People know when they're getting vibes like that from people - when people make unfair assumptions based on what a person looks like, etc.

 

Also I'd be really careful about how you interact with him since it could burn bridges professionally.

 

From all you've written it doesn't sound like you're a true friend to him or respect him - your ego is bruised from what you think he did by blocking you on social media and because he didn't want to date you. You asked for gentleness in your first post. I totally get that. And understand you're being extremely judgmental of him, who he dates, etc (obviously not to his "face" on here but consider how harsh and critical you're being about this man you want to be friends with, so you say)

[Morello]

Maybe you're just feeling inadequate because of how he acted with you (blocking, etc). Trust me, none of that explains your worth!

 

Long story short, I was in a intense short relationship with a girl, until she dumped me because she was 'confused'. It felt weird to me because she acted really attracted before that, so I was wondering 'what did I do?'. I begged and tried to win her back, so she ended up deleting me from FB and decided to ignore me. We work at the same building, so you can tell the damage that did to my ego and self-esteem. Took a while for me to be able to date girls again and feel happy again. I slowly started to realise that , after healing, I was attracting girls of the same 'level', not only physically but also mentally and in terms of personality. But I was still hung up on why 'that' girl didn't want me or never wanted to talk to me again.

 

It turns out she reached out, after a long time. I think she just wanted validation and to know whether I was still hung up on her. I guess I'd still 'go there' but it turns out I'm way more confident now and don't really have to rely on whatever she thinks of me. It took me almost an year to get to where I am. She decided to reach out because of her personality, maybe a bit manipulative and looking for validation for me. Other women, under the same circumstances, would have ignored me for the rest of their lives.

 

The whole point is: should I have measured my worth based on the fact she waited 9 months to decide to talk to me again? I did feel like crap when she was ignoring me and suddenly I felt good when she was all over me again. The point is: nothing had changed. I was the same person. Nothing changed what happened between us. Still, I let her decision to want to keep in touch again validate my worth. Obviously, after a few days, I've realised how messed up it was. I was measuring my self worth based on her attitude to come back. Then I realised how wrong it was. My self worth should have been intact the whole time. But I let her simple decision to ever reach out again 'validate' me. It sound extremely stupid now, but at that time it felt real.

 

I think this is what you're feeling now. You feel bad because he decided to never talk to you again. He could very well reach out tomorrow or never. Will you let this determine your self worth? Please don't, because you'd be falling into a trap.

 

Don't let what this guy thinks of you or how he acts define you. You're a great girl, and your worth cannot be measured by someone else's actions or decisions. It will take time, but soon enough you'll feel confident again about what you can offer, and you won't feel inadequate because one man out of 4 billion decided he doesn't wanna date you.

[Reflective82]

Thank you. I’m trying to stop ruminating over it. Been driving myself crazy even feeling guilt thinking is he angry at me over something. It’s horrible how when you fancy someone their approval means so much and can affect your self worth. Can’t believe she reached out after 9 months! That’s such a long time. Why bother after so long?

[DancingFool]

OP, all get from all your posts and your story is that you've been smitten with him for years, but he has never seen in you in that light. He is ambitious and you are a high performer. When he changed jobs, he was likely busy trying to prove himself in this new job and bringing you along was basically a feather in his hat, a known good performer, aka you. So he did what he had to do to schmooze you to get you to go with him to this new company. Could also have been vindictiveness toward the old company. Only he knows. Either way, you were just a useful worker to him.

 

Unfortunately, you are soooo smitten with him, you took it for more. A deeper friendship, a deeper interest, the idea perhaps that if you are around him long enough, he'll date you.

 

In reality, he put a lot of pressure on himself, was an a hole as a manager, it all backfired on him and he got fired or they let him save face and resign, thus the official company line that he resigned. So now, you are just a part of his failure to reach his ambitions with that company.

 

He unfriended you because you were never real friends and because he is no question aware that you feel more for him than just platonic friendship. Bottom line is that this whole charade has run its course and knowing you has run its usefulness to him. It's over and he doesn't owe you any explanations because you were never that close except in your own mind and imagination or rather wishful thinking.

 

This is harsh, but it's actually healthy for you in a way that a pill may be bitter but it cures you of your illness. Your attraction to him, the way this was interfering with your ability to date and form healthy relationships is now over. You have no choice but to get over this, heal, move on and at long last find yourself a guy who actually wants to be with you.

[Reflective82]

Thank you for this. It stings a bit but it’s helpful to read. Clearly I was just manipulated and you are right - schmoozed and told we were good friends when really that isn’t the case. I’m so glad I don’t work with this person now. Feel bruised and stupid but hopefully I will feel better soon

[DancingFool]

Thank you for this. It stings a bit but it’s helpful to read. Clearly I was just manipulated and you are right - schmoozed and told we were good friends when really that isn’t the case. I’m so glad I don’t work with this person now. Feel bruised and stupid but hopefully I will feel better soon

 

If I were you, I'd just take this as a lesson to never ever get personally involved at work. If you feel a sense of attraction, stifle it. As for your managers/bosses trying to pull you with them to a new company, it's not all bad. You just have to treat it more pragmatically and do your best to avoid emotions and feeling special when these things happen, because if you are really good at your job, it won't be the last time that your former boss tries to recruit you. Just keep in mind that it's purely about work and performance, and then decide if the change will benefit YOUR career or not. If doesn't, don't go. If it's a step up, go for it, but never ever take it personally. Just dollar in your pocket and career advancement when/where it suits you.

 

If you do find yourself in a situation where you are attracted to your boss and he leaves, better that YOU cut contact yourself to avoid a repeat of this situation. Give yourself better control.

[Reflective82]

I don’t mind being hunted at all - it’s more all the “we are such good friends” constant talk that set up those expectations. I feel a bit used and discarded. There’s no way in hell I will ever work for him again though - and I definitely won’t be contacting him! Thanks for laying it out so clearly - hopefully I won’t ever see him again

[DancingFool]

Maybe I just have more mileage under my belt, but the whole buddy buddy culture is quite common. Thing is that you do kind of have to compartmentalize it and look at it more as being friendly, not actually friends. That goes for your bosses as well as coworkers. It's nice to have a friendly workplace, but never forget that all those people are also your competition for absolutely everything - promotions, raises, bonuses, etc. Better to be friendly but leave it at that and not get too close. Leave real friendships for outside the workplace and whatever happens in the workplace, take with a huge grain of salt and watch your back.

[Batya33]

Maybe I just have more mileage under my belt, but the whole buddy buddy culture is quite common. Thing is that you do kind of have to compartmentalize it and look at it more as being friendly, not actually friends. That goes for your bosses as well as coworkers. It's nice to have a friendly workplace, but never forget that all those people are also your competition for absolutely everything - promotions, raises, bonuses, etc. Better to be friendly but leave it at that and not get too close. Leave real friendships for outside the workplace and whatever happens in the workplace, take with a huge grain of salt and watch your back.

 

I've had a somewhat different experience and it also depends on whether there is competition how much, etc. In my current position there is no competition in my personal situation (atypical, but true) and I keep a professional distance of varying types but I've made close friends through work, met my husband through work, and because I made close friends it made it easier to get interviews/find jobs when needed (but to be clear that is not why I became close with those people - and I do think it's valuable to be on good terms with colleagues and former colleagues in part for networking purposes).

 

 

I don't think the OP was a true friend to this person or was seeking to be a true friend. She was very attracted to him and wanted him to want her romantically so she couldn't be the kind of friend who would be supportive of his romantic relationships. She's said some very harsh things about him and his character on this thread and didn't seem to respect him much (or for that matter men in general as she assumes good looking men only want to date models, are superficial, etc)-I get that that is partly because he removed her from his social media but I think it reflects that her main focus was to get him to date her, not to be his friend.

 

So I would have stricter boundaries than she did because she might need to rein herself in even more than typical based on her choices with this guy but I also think the workplace is a great place to make lasting friendships, in individual situations.

[JCSK]

^^agreed^^ - but you're not telling me that he had no idea she was attracted to him and didn't send out the odd flirty glance and 'we're such great friends' to ensure she remained hooked and where he wanted her? ie eating out of her hands and supporting him when he was lording himself around the office and p##*ing everyone one else off with his arrogant boss routine! This definitely needs to be seen as a learning curve though. The OP is still young at 30 though, this is a good time for reflection and self improvement.

[JCSK]

This is such a great response - thank you. How long did it take you to feel better? I feel really bruised and like a complete idiot. So glad that I don’t have to work with him now.

 

It isn’t just the looks - I mean I just felt super attracted to him. And i don’t to many guys. Life is so irritating that you have to be attracted to people who don’t want you.

 

I agree he is very superficial - his women tend to be very tarty, fake hair, fake boobs, fake nail Instagram model types. I just figured maybe this is what good looking guys want.

 

I thihk I need to focus on developing some confidence as mine is at rock bottom currently!

 

It took months at the most and I soon became aware that I had fallen in love with the fantasy and not with the man. It was a little bit easier as it was just before the dawn of social media so I didn't have all of that to attend with. I did email him a few times and he didn't respond which was obviously for the best.

 

Not all good looking men want models for girl friends, my partner is very good looking but I'm just average looking (imo!). I don;t care though, I am quite confident and work with what I've got but more importantly I am happy, bubbly, friendly and loving to people and that is what a decent man wants in a woman. That's what you need to work on! Hit the gym, quit the drink (unless you are out with friends and socialising) and focus completely on the new confident you! I made all my mistakes in my twenties but my thirties were where I really got it together. :) Oh and stop feeling like an idiot...everyone has experienced unrequited love at some point and some people are very good at keeping others hooked!

[Batya33]

^^agreed^^ - but you're not telling me that he had no idea she was attracted to him and didn't send out the odd flirty glance and 'we're such great friends' to ensure she remained hooked and where he wanted her? ie eating out of her hands and supporting him when he was lording himself around the office and p##*ing everyone one else off with his arrogant boss routine! This definitely needs to be seen as a learning curve though. The OP is still young at 30 though, this is a good time for reflection and self improvement.

No. I did not mean or write that. He probably did act like a jerk and probably was flirty. Who knows what he meant by it. There’s all sorts of harmless flirting that can happen in an itnense working environment especially. My husband unintentionally said something construed as a come on to a woman many years ago - he thogojtvsje got the nostalgia reference and she didn’t. And when he realized and tried to explain it only made it worse. No repercussions just cringe worthy. It happens. Even if he knew he never asked her out and she never told him it made her uncomfortable. She has responsibility too here. When I was her age I actually had no idea a guy in my office wanted more than friendship because he had a serious girlfriend now his wife. Not until he told me he was going to bring a change of clothes to my house where we were supposed to innocently watch a show “in case things went that way”. So I uninvited him and was so naive to think that a work friend could come to my place to watch tv with innocent intentions. So yes there is some of that too. She can control her behavior and reactions. And she’s made choices that risk her getting jaded and cynical about men in general which would be a shame. She can change that though and she’s gotten great advice here on how to do that .

[Reflective82]

@Batya - the things I’ve said about him don’t apply to all men. I’ve pointed out true things about his character and what other people in the company have said. I definitely agree with you that some great friends can be made in the workplace.

 

I was perfectly happy being friends too but of course ideally wanted more. I’ve since had a meeting with my line manager who agreed he didn’t treat me well or seem to value me and that many people in the company felt the same. I was always his biggest supporter and I feel very used and let down really - and like a bit of an idiot really

[Reflective82]

@JCSK - 100% right. I was taken in by the flirty glances and sayings of “we are such good friends” and now just feel stupid and naive. I realise I really wasn’t important to him at all - despite him acting like I was - and feel like an idiot and a bit bruised by the whole thing. To not keep in contact is one thing - to actively remove someone off social media is another. I am so glad he’s left

[Batya33]

@Batya - the things I’ve said about him don’t apply to all men. I’ve pointed out true things about his character and what other people in the company have said. I definitely agree with you that some great friends can be made in the workplace.

 

I was perfectly happy being friends too but of course ideally wanted more. I’ve since had a meeting with my line manager who agreed he didn’t treat me well or seem to value me and that many people in the company felt the same. I was always his biggest supporter and I feel very used and let down really - and like a bit of an idiot really

 

What you wrote above about good looking guys only going for models was written generally. Thank you for clarifying.

 

I think it's a big mistake professionally to gossip about him to your manager. Let it go - you are an employee -the manager has a lot more leeway in gossiping and it makes you look like you can't let go of the past and that you're getting involved in negative gossip about what everyone else thinks. It's irrelevant now. Spend your time productively contributing to your employer -that is your job not to gossip about past employees especially.

[ShatteredMan]

I do feel there was flirtation and some chemistry there - but equally he never made a move so I need to accept he decided not to. Even when I last saw him he gave me a flirty look.

 

I told him recently over text I had developed some feelings so he knows. His friend also told me he thinks I fancy him. So he must know. He did not acknowledge my text so I have to accept he doesn’t share my feelings or even if he does he decides not to act on them.

 

He hasn’t deleted any other ex work colleagues from social media - just me. How he can say he still sees me as a good friend is beyond me as you just don’t treat friends this way

He's probably smart enough to know that he borderline emotionally cheating on his girlfriend with you or has been advised by someone (who he thinks is wise) to cut ties with you before the situation wrecks him emotionally and professionally.

 

I had a situation like this at about the same age as you. The girl was definitely emotionally cheating on her boyfriend with me because she didn't feel valued but since she was living with him, she kept me in what was essentially an elevated friendzone. I knew if I started messing around with this coworker, that I would probably have to face her boyfriend as well as the end of my career at the company. I took a job with another company and never looked back.

 

Its painful but he's not your boyfriend or husband. You need to find a way past this fantasy and get a real boyfriend who you can have a real future with.