Partner won't work

[tattoobunnie]

Have your 17 year old take your two younger kids to the park. But they are all school-aged, and one is already older, they don't need a man-child babysitting them.

 

Don't give him more than 2 weeks. Because he will stretch it out to months. Have someone, or you and a friend pack up all his stuff, and leave it outside, change the locks, and go about your day.

[Batya33]

Have your 17 year old take your two younger kids to the park. But they are all school-aged, and one is already older, they don't need a man-child babysitting them.

 

Don't give him more than 2 weeks. Because he will stretch it out to months. Have someone, or you and a friend pack up all his stuff, and leave it outside, change the locks, and go about your day.

 

I think that's fine if the 17 year old wants to do that and is paid to do that. I think the 17 year old should get to be 17 and have her/his own life unless she wants to babysit for extra money. Once in awhile, sure.

[abitbroken]

I think that's fine if the 17 year old wants to do that and is paid to do that. I think the 17 year old should get to be 17 and have her/his own life unless she wants to babysit for extra money. Once in awhile, sure.

 

I don't think a 17 year old should be paid to take their siblings to the park. a couple bucks for gas or ice creams all around, maybe. But nope. my parents didn't pay me for the hour or two i was at home with my siblings after school before they got home from work. Taking the kids to the park a few days a week is not parenting your siblings. Its called pitching in.

[Batya33]

I don't think a 17 year old should be paid to take their siblings to the park. a couple bucks for gas or ice creams all around, maybe. But nope. my parents didn't pay me for the hour or two i was at home with my siblings after school before they got home from work. Taking the kids to the park a few days a week is not parenting your siblings. Its called pitching in.

 

Yes, once in awhile is fine. My friends and I talk about this issue -the ones who have kids a number of years apart. My friend has been tempted to leave her teen with the younger one and she'll do that at times but she wants him to feel that he should get to spend his time as he wishes, on his school work, extra curricular activities etc and not feel that he is his brother's babysitter on any regular basis. I agree with that. I think pitching on on chores is fine and I think when it comes to parenting responsibilities that is primarily the parents job or they can hire someone or pay their older child. It is caregiving or parenting -and people pay other people to do that if they cannot do it themselves.

I also know among my friends that their teenagers are working their tails off in high school and beefing up their college admission requirements -takes a lot of time and tons of pressure. And then of course some have paying part time jobs. At that age I worked my tail off in school and had a part time job. And I had a serious boyfriend who I saw on weekends.

 

Obviously if a family is in some kind of crisis or emergency everyone needs to pitch in on parenting and caregiving responsibilities. But no, I don't think it's fair at all as a regular practice.

[tattoobunnie]

My brothers didn't get paid to be my older brothers. That was their job, and I love them for it. If they were 15 and under, then it's a bit much taking care of younger siblings, but it's not like they are changing diapers. My generation, and my nieces and nephews already do so, and my kids will take care of each other, and learn to lean on each other no matter what age. I don't plan on asking my boys to contribute fiscally. But they should do their share to take care of each other.

[Batya33]

My brothers didn't get paid to be my older brothers. That was their job, and I love them for it. If they were 15 and under, then it's a bit much taking care of younger siblings, but it's not like they are changing diapers. My generation, and my nieces and nephews already do so, and my kids will take care of each other, and learn to lean on each other no matter what age. I don't plan on asking my boys to contribute fiscally. But they should do their share to take care of each other.

 

That's great that it works well that way for your family! I don't see parenting/caregiving as the typical role of the older sibling without any compensation. They didn't choose to be the older sibling but the parents chose to be parents. My sister took care of me at times -and sometimes she just had to -it just was the situation -but it wasn't a regular expectation. She deserved her own life, social life, to make extra $ by working, to study hard at school, be in plays ,etc. I do think siblings should take care of each other and watch out for each other. But not as caregivers/babysitters/substitute parents - just the way siblings love and care for each other.

[IAmFCA]

OP,

 

When you lose respect for your sig other, as you are in the process of doing, the love you need to stay together dies also.

 

We can have opinions about how he lives his life - who cares. It's his choice to make. But you dont respect it not him, because he himself is disrespectful.

 

Let him go.

[Batya33]

OP,

 

When you lose respect for your sig other, as you are in the process of doing, the love you need to stay together dies also.

 

We can have opinions about how he lives his life - who cares. It's his choice to make. But you dont respect it not him, because he himself is disrespectful.

 

Let him go.

 

Yup!! This.

[nicole2018]

He keeps making remarks about him having to get out.

[boltnrun]

He keeps making remarks about him having to get out.

 

Good. Then he can plan for and find somewhere to live.

[IAmFCA]

OP,

 

When you lose respect for your sig other, as you are in the process of doing, the love you need to stay together dies also.

 

We can have opinions about how he lives his life - who cares. It's his choice to make. But you dont respect it not him, because he himself is disrespectful.

 

Let him go.

 

Uh that's *"... you don't respect him..." oops.

 

He doesn't respect his own choices, as evidenced by his behavior. It is very difficult for me to love someone as a peer and partner when they don't feel good about themselves.

 

My exH used to compare himself to me and feel inadequate. I would have and in fact encouraged, if he wanted it, a complete downshift of his life. Would have been okay, even as mine was upshifting. Bu TC he felt inadequate and that became a downward spiral to self destruction.

 

I lost respect and trust as he would avoid responsibility. My last throes of being married ended when I saw that he avoided responsibility with the kids too, preferring to encourage them to avoid commitments, and that undermined their own ambitions and achievements.

 

In your home, he slams doors as a way of rebelling. Is he your partner in making a life at home or your employee?

[Hollyj]

Did YOU say anything? Why don't you tell this loser to go?

[Wiseman2]

What is he saying about moving out? Did you tell him he needs to and how did he react?

He keeps making remarks about him having to get out.

[itsallgrand]

He keeps making remarks about him having to get out.

 

Well yes, now that you've mentioned it to him, he's going to. Expect some push back and resistance , of course.

 

You have to follow through in a clear concise way. You didn't give an answer about whether or not you two are living as common law and what rights each of you have in this situation. I'd follow according to what those are - if legally you only have to give 30 days notice, do that, and in writing. Be above board.

 

I agree with Batya with not involving the teen or any of the kids in the logistics of him leaving. Mom made the choice to have kids, and to move this guy in. It's her responsibility to take care of it now.

[ZHPpilot1]

Everyone goes through hard times between jobs and stuff, I myself am in rut right now. However, my days consist of editing my resume and doing interviews not smoking weed. I believe the lack of drive is what you have to look at here. He's just leaching off you, kick him out. He will thank you later, trust me.

[itsallgrand]

How are you doing, Nicole?

[natural82]

if you wanted a Nanny you could have hired one to watch your kids. Im sure you would get away much cheaper like that. The both of you should work together towards your goals, you cannot carry all that weight on your own back. I would not accept his BS and trust me i have been in that situation, losers do not change, period. He will suck you dry as long as you let him

[nicole2018]

I am doing better thanks...

[nicole2018]

I feel that way too...I told him that he has to be out by August 1st.

[nicole2018]

I understand, but I am enabling his bum behaviors.

[nicole2018]

Yes, I told him that he had to go.

[Heather Dawn]

Loser. I mean, seriously, wow.

[singingstick]

I'm seeing a lot more men using women for their resources these days. I've been with at least two different men with this exact problem. Their whole goal in life is to sit on the couch and allow me to do literally everything for them. They often complain to have disabilities that inhibit them from working. Any trouble at work is never their fault. Also if you dont support them in this, you're not being a supportive and loving wife/ girlfriend. Forget that noise! If I'm going to do it alone, I'd rather just be alone.