itsallgrand Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 What's the involvement level of the kids biological father(s)? Your focus needs to be on making this transition as smooth as possible for the kids. I'd expect acting out. They'll need extra of your attention, and age appropriate convos. Imagine being in their shoes, and mom had this man living with them and taking care of them and involved so integrally in their day to day life. Then one day, he's gone . Imagine the attachment and confusion there when mom kicks him out. I'm not saying stay with him because of this. Just a friendly reminder that as disappointed as you may be, it's going to be multiplied for them. Someone in and out at young ages like that can cause serious issues ( sometimes life long) , so you'll have to really watch them and be willing to spit the work in now as result of your choice to incorporate your bf so much in their lives. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 What's the involvement level of the kids biological father(s)? Your focus needs to be on making this transition as smooth as possible for the kids. I'd expect acting out. They'll need extra of your attention, and age appropriate convos. Imagine being in their shoes, and mom had this man living with them and taking care of them and involved so integrally in their day to day life. Then one day, he's gone . Imagine the attachment and confusion there when mom kicks him out. I'm not saying stay with him because of this. Just a friendly reminder that as disappointed as you may be, it's going to be multiplied for them. Someone in and out at young ages like that can cause serious issues ( sometimes life long) , so you'll have to really watch them and be willing to spit the work in now as result of your choice to incorporate your bf so much in their lives. People split up all the time. The kids will survive. He is not the father . As she said, he spends about 30 minutes a day with them. He needs to go at some time. OP, Is the father present? Link to comment
nicole2018 Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 He says the money is for gas ECT Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 He says the money is for gas ECT Then how does he buy the weed? Link to comment
nicole2018 Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 My youngest two kids has the same Father and I have a Protective Order against him that doesn't expire. He was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. When my Mother died in 2012 it was even worse. I think that I didn't recognize my worth and then in 2014 My brother died. I kind of loss sense of self. Link to comment
nicole2018 Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 My oldest son's Father is present. I was married to both ex spouses. Link to comment
nicole2018 Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 No, I did not seek counseling. I need to in the AA community it is looked down upon. I know that I need it though.. I just feel so lost. I have the education, money and business; yet I feel used and abused. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 For the sake of you and your kids, you must do something. You have a lot to work through. AA "is looked down upon?" Link to comment
nicole2018 Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 Yes in the African American community. I just feel so worthless. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 Look at all that you have accomplished. I think you should do what is best for you and your family, and not be concerned about the community. How would anyone know if you are attending meetings? Also, why don't you seek out counseling? You need to understand why you were in an abusive relationship. Stop making excuses. Either you want to improve things, or you don't. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 He says the money is for gas ECT He has a car?? Either way, I'm sorry for the losses in your family, but you need to find your self respect, and expect more for you and your children. You can do this... Link to comment
nicole2018 Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 Holly, You are absolutely right. I have been making excuses and fearing being alone at 37. I deserve so much better. He puts me in these guilt trips.. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 Holly, You are absolutely right. I have been making excuses and fearing being alone at 37. I deserve so much better. He puts me in these guilt trips.. Nicole, you know the truth. By not doing what is best for you and your family makes you complicit. Stop making excuses and blaming, as you have allowed this for a long time. This guy needs to go. Give him 30 days to get out - he is responsible for finding a place. If he can't afford anything he can live with family or a friend. Then, get some help. And stop seeing yourself as a victim, you are a strong woman!!!!!! Link to comment
Starlight925 Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 Yes in the African American community. I just feel so worthless. I did not realize that counseling is looked down upon in the African American community. That's sad, and I'm sorry you feel that is a barrier. That being said, you can go to counseling in complete private. Choose a counselor in a different part of town, where you will not run into anyone you know. By ethical definition, the counselor is not allowed to talk about you. It will be completely private. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 I get the feeling the issue is less that he won’t work and more that he doesn’t get you the gifts you want. No, he doesn’t owe you Mother’s Day gifts. This being your biggest complaint over the weed around your kids honestly concerns me. If he’s taking care of your kids when you’re gone, his presence is worth at least $1000 a month. Sure, some jobs pay more than that - but many just barely after taxes. The weed is the bigger issue. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 People split up all the time. The kids will survive. He is not the father . As she said, he spends about 30 minutes a day with them. He needs to go at some time. OP, Is the father present? I disagree with you, Holly, that it will be so non eventful for the kids. Especially given the new info provided. Honestly family therapy isn't a bad idea either. Mom has been at a low emotionally, the kids have gone through a lot too. Wishing you the best, Nicole. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 If you earn $12k per month you can afford a non weed smoking child care provider. Plus, your kids aren't little. They don't need diaper changes or anything like that. Did you really tell him he had to move out? If so, good for you. Link to comment
nicole2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Share Posted June 11, 2018 Yes, I bring home more than enough sometimes I even have $15,000 months of bring home pay. The kids go to summer camp and are good kids. Link to comment
nicole2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Share Posted June 11, 2018 Its the gesture and thought never the amount. Link to comment
nicole2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Share Posted June 11, 2018 Thanks for wishing me luck. I really need it! Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 For the sake of you and your kids, you must do something. You have a lot to work through. AA "is looked down upon?" Do you think that all African AMerican people are in one homogenous group and they are all the same and think the same?? Go get help. You are only hurting your kids if you do not Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 I don't know why I continue to put up with this. He caught me at a low time in my life in 2014. He is a freeloader. 2014 was 4 years ago. I hope your life has improved since then. Yes he's a freeloader, and he needs to be gone. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 How did he respond when you told him he had to move out? BTW, I used to work with a woman who you remind me of. She too has a live in boyfriend who refuses to work. She supports him on her clerk's salary. She justified her choice by saying he did chores around her house (that she purchased on her own ). Oh, and she said he's good looking. So that made her ok with supporting him. Problem is, he too uses drugs. His drug is meth, which he uses her money to buy. Oh, and she caught him cheating on her. She kicked him out but invited him back because, again, "he's good looking!". I guess good looking pays the bills and makes up for cheating and drug use. It's just so sad. I too accepted horrible treatment from a man because I was desperate for him to love me for some reason. I suffered from anxiety that mysteriously vanished as soon as the relationship ended. Amazing how that works. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 I disagree with you, Holly, that it will be so non eventful for the kids. Especially given the new info provided. Honestly family therapy isn't a bad idea either. Mom has been at a low emotionally, the kids have gone through a lot too. Wishing you the best, Nicole. I never said it would be "non eventful." But, you do not stay with someone - not even the parent - because it will affect the kids. This guy does not contribute much and is smoking weed in the house. She said he spends about 30 minutes a day with the kids. She needs a positive role model for her children. What does he do now, since the kids are at camp? How does this guy occupy his time? Link to comment
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