I think my best friends wife is abusive.

[DancingFool]

...Do you not see that your friend's behavior towards his wife is actually very much toxic and disrespectful? People are suggesting that he might be looking to cheat, because that's precisely how affairs start - going to an opposite sex friend and trashing their SO and eventually creating a bond that then leads to something else as the friend tries to "save" them from their so called misery and horrible SO. Maybe not your case on your end, but I wouldn't discount the possibility on his end simply because you don't know what's inside anyone's head. His behavior is highly inappropriate and suggestive.

 

Then there is the factor that he IS trashing his wife constantly to his friends or at least to you. It's really wrong, disrespectful, destructive to his relationship and completely inappropriate to do this to his wife. Like toxic level wrong. Like it or not, he has set you up to see her as a monster and to dislike her. You may think you are being objective, but as you can see from this thread, you aren't being as objective as you think, not by a long shot.

 

For example, the scenario where he had to take his child with him to his friends house because wife wanted to go swimming. Your reaction is already predisposed to be "oh no, she is horrible, how dare she." Well a more neutral perspective is that he works all the time, she is stuck with a baby between four walls all day long - unless you've been in her shoes, it's hard to understand how desperately she needs a break from that once in a while for her own sanity and well being. Yes, her choice to stay home, but it doesn't mean she doesn't need some relief. Going swimming for a couple of hours to restore herself doesn't make her a monster or a bad mother or a bad partner and so on. On top of that - yeah, they are dealing with the major stresses of having a very young child. Lots of marriages, even loving ones, get severely strained during this time. It just isn't easy on anyone.

 

I really think you need to take a huge step back from this friendship. What you do in these kinds of situations is actually immediately disengage and state so firmly. "I'm sorry, but I really can't listen to your marital problems. If the issues are serious, better you talk to a marital counselor." and then firmly change the conversation and stay persistent. If he calls and starts going into it, excuse yourself and hang up immediately. "Oh, hey listen, something just came, talk to you later." He will learn not to spew or he'll find someone else who is willing. Either way, not your problem.

[abitbroken]

Okay, firstly, if you are a female individual, having a married man as your BEST FRIEND is a little inappropriate in regards to his marriage.

Yes, it is very standard for a man who is unhappy OR wants to seek favor with his female friend to trash his wife and make her out to be worse than it is.

It is NOT COOL for you and the other "group of besties" to go out with him so he can have a trash session of his wife --- in that sense, you are all ganging up on her and being the jury.

 

I agree that it is NOT callous if she is taking care of the baby 24/7 to take ONE opportunity to go swimming - to get a break from the baby.

 

If she is from Poland -- i know people from Eastern block countries where English is not their first language and they can come across as very brusk and direct - not because they are unkind or uncaring - even if they are fairly fluent in English. I don't think its unreasonable for her to want to go visit her parents in Poland to show off the baby (especially elderly relatives who could never come to America). I remember going to Grandma's a state away and not being able to go home right away because my parents ended up in the ER with me there and our trip home was delayed. The trip just gets MORE delayed because people who are contagious of certain things can't come on a plane to not infect anyone else.

 

It could be also that if he is a complainer - all he does to his wife is COMPLAIN and VENT -- about work, about friends, about anything and she is at the end of her rope as well. If he has always been a venter -- imagine what SHE puts up with.

 

Honestly, i think that your relationship with him is inappropriate for the fact that he should be talking to a therapist, or working things out with his wife. There is a difference in dynamic when a few male buddies take their pal out to blow off some steam by shooting some hoops, playing a pickup game, golfing or watching their team vs a one on one male/female friendship with one pouring one's heart out. I think he is inapprorpiately leaning on you

[Wiseman2]

It doubtful she suddenly became "abusive" (by his account) after 10 Years, yet as soon as she has a child, he's the one crying on a female friends shoulder about his awful wife.

recently married his partner of 10 years and they have a 9 month old daughter.

[thornz]

...Do you not see that your friend's behavior towards his wife is actually very much toxic and disrespectful? People are suggesting that he might be looking to cheat, because that's precisely how affairs start - going to an opposite sex friend and trashing their SO and eventually creating a bond that then leads to something else as the friend tries to "save" them from their so called misery and horrible SO. Maybe not your case on your end, but I wouldn't discount the possibility on his end simply because you don't know what's inside anyone's head. His behavior is highly inappropriate and suggestive.

 

Then there is the factor that he IS trashing his wife constantly to his friends or at least to you. It's really wrong, disrespectful, destructive to his relationship and completely inappropriate to do this to his wife. Like toxic level wrong. Like it or not, he has set you up to see her as a monster and to dislike her. You may think you are being objective, but as you can see from this thread, you aren't being as objective as you think, not by a long shot.

 

For example, the scenario where he had to take his child with him to his friends house because wife wanted to go swimming. Your reaction is already predisposed to be "oh no, she is horrible, how dare she." Well a more neutral perspective is that he works all the time, she is stuck with a baby between four walls all day long - unless you've been in her shoes, it's hard to understand how desperately she needs a break from that once in a while for her own sanity and well being. Yes, her choice to stay home, but it doesn't mean she doesn't need some relief. Going swimming for a couple of hours to restore herself doesn't make her a monster or a bad mother or a bad partner and so on. On top of that - yeah, they are dealing with the major stresses of having a very young child. Lots of marriages, even loving ones, get severely strained during this time. It just isn't easy on anyone.

 

I really think you need to take a huge step back from this friendship. What you do in these kinds of situations is actually immediately disengage and state so firmly. "I'm sorry, but I really can't listen to your marital problems. If the issues are serious, better you talk to a marital counselor." and then firmly change the conversation and stay persistent. If he calls and starts going into it, excuse yourself and hang up immediately. "Oh, hey listen, something just came, talk to you later." He will learn not to spew or he'll find someone else who is willing. Either way, not your problem.

 

You’ve made a lot of incorrect assumptions about my friend and myself.

 

I will agree though that occasionally ringing for advice has turned to something damaging for his relationship. There’s only so long that you can speak like that about your partner before people start to dislike them. I have told him before that he can’t expect me to regard his wife highly if he has nothing good to say about her. I will tell him again more firmly when I see him tonight and make sure it sinks in this time.

[thornz]

It doubtful she suddenly became "abusive" (by his account) after 10 Years, yet as soon as she has a child, he's the one crying on a female friends shoulder about his awful wife.

 

She is not abusive by his account. If I came outright and said I thought she was abusive he would probably laugh at me and he would certainly defend her. Also it didn’t just happen overnight. Things have been rocky with them a long time just it has become particularly bad since they got married and getting worse.

[thornz]

Okay, firstly, if you are a female individual, having a married man as your BEST FRIEND is a little inappropriate in regards to his marriage.

Yes, it is very standard for a man who is unhappy OR wants to seek favor with his female friend to trash his wife and make her out to be worse than it is.

It is NOT COOL for you and the other "group of besties" to go out with him so he can have a trash session of his wife --- in that sense, you are all ganging up on her and being the jury.

 

I agree that it is NOT callous if she is taking care of the baby 24/7 to take ONE opportunity to go swimming - to get a break from the baby.

 

If she is from Poland -- i know people from Eastern block countries where English is not their first language and they can come across as very brusk and direct - not because they are unkind or uncaring - even if they are fairly fluent in English. I don't think its unreasonable for her to want to go visit her parents in Poland to show off the baby (especially elderly relatives who could never come to America). I remember going to Grandma's a state away and not being able to go home right away because my parents ended up in the ER with me there and our trip home was delayed. The trip just gets MORE delayed because people who are contagious of certain things can't come on a plane to not infect anyone else.

 

It could be also that if he is a complainer - all he does to his wife is COMPLAIN and VENT -- about work, about friends, about anything and she is at the end of her rope as well. If he has always been a venter -- imagine what SHE puts up with.

 

Honestly, i think that your relationship with him is inappropriate for the fact that he should be talking to a therapist, or working things out with his wife. There is a difference in dynamic when a few male buddies take their pal out to blow off some steam by shooting some hoops, playing a pickup game, golfing or watching their team vs a one on one male/female friendship with one pouring one's heart out. I think he is inapprorpiately leaning on you

 

He was a single boy when we became best friends. I don’t subscribe to the whole you shouldn’t be friends with the opposite sex BS, that is for folks who don’t trust themselves, friends or their partner to keep their junk in their pants. I think you are right about him leaning on me too much as it’s affecting my mood.

 

He is definitely a complainer. Who knows if he complains to her. Nobody gangs up on her.

[abitbroken]

 

I think they have been “there” a long time. I’ve beeb telling him for years to see a therapist both together and individually. I will put my foot down and tell him if he wants advice to see a person who is equipped and qualified to do so.

 

But he won't because you are listening

[thornz]

Meeting him in 5 minutes so will see what he’s got to say for himself when I tell him to knock it off cos it’s inapropriate and if it’s so bad to see a counsellor before they end up in divorce court.

[thornz]

But he won't because you are listening

 

Not only me but I have had enough of listening now.

[abitbroken]

He was a single boy when we became best friends. I don’t subscribe to the whole you shouldn’t be friends with the opposite sex BS, that is for folks who don’t trust themselves, friends or their partner to keep their junk in their pants. I think you are right about him leaning on me too much as it’s affecting my mood.

 

He is definitely a complainer. Who knows if he complains to her. Nobody gangs up on her.

 

I get that -- but once someone marries, the opposite sex bestie has to be supportive of the marriage and take a back seat. The spouse becomes the one closest to him, or should be, not you. Its fine to be friends, but if you are meeting up with him one one one about his marriage or dining together always instead of meeting him and his wife and integrating her into the new reality, you are not being supportive of his marriage. He may not be after your body, but when another woman is taking the place your wife should be in as far as being a confidant, that could easily evolve into emotional cheating.

 

I think EVERY word and action from you should be supportive of his marriage and turning him back towards her. Do not meet him in situations that are datey like one on one dinner and a movie. Suggest they get a babysitter and make sure sometimes that his wife is included in the group. And don't continue to be his therapist, which you are doing. Allowing someone to constantly bad mouth another person and even egging them on by agreeing or being a sounding board for it is enabling at best and leading them away from the marriage at worst.

[abitbroken]

One final thought --- my ex was a guy who was always "poor me". He was a big complainer. When I met him, he portrayed himself as a guy who got the short end of the stick in love. One of his ex's cheated, one of his ex's did something else -- totally reasonable reasons to break a relationship off. But as time went on i realized that aside from the cheater, the common denominator was him. All of these women were not bad -- they just didn't want to put up with his garbage and he did not self reflect - it was always something about them and never about him.

 

And one other anecdote -- does he consider that his wife has no family to lean on -- she can't count on her parents to watch the baby so she can go to the store or take baby for the evening so they can go out on a date? No, its all on her.

[thornz]

I get that -- but once someone marries, the opposite sex bestie has to be supportive of the marriage and take a back seat. The spouse becomes the one closest to him, or should be, not you. Its fine to be friends, but if you are meeting up with him one one one about his marriage or dining together always instead of meeting him and his wife and integrating her into the new reality, you are not being supportive of his marriage. He may not be after your body, but when another woman is taking the place your wife should be in as far as being a confidant, that could easily evolve into emotional cheating.

 

I think EVERY word and action from you should be supportive of his marriage and turning him back towards her. Do not meet him in situations that are datey like one on one dinner and a movie. Suggest they get a babysitter and make sure sometimes that his wife is included in the group. And don't continue to be his therapist, which you are doing. Allowing someone to constantly bad mouth another person and even egging them on by agreeing or being a sounding board for it is enabling at best and leading them away from the marriage at worst.

 

We very rarely meet one on one, I see him at very best once a fortnight, though it is usually closer to once every two or three months. I tried for 9 years to include his wife, extending invites to her and also inviting her to events that didn’t involve my friend. Girls nights out/in, walking (which I know she loves) and meals out.

 

I got so sick of her being ignorant and rude I stopped inviting her after 9 years of trying. The last 3 times I reached out and messaged her to join me or my friends she didn’t respond. The last three times I visited their home she didn’t even bother to make eye contact or say hello, just slopes off with the baby upstairs. I’ve always made far more effort than I should have with her, given her lack of reciprocation and in the end I gave up trying. I’ve lost count of the times I invited them as a couple to spend time with me, me and friends or me and my partner and she declined every occasion other than 1 in that entire time.

 

Believe me I have tried my butt off to include her and until recently usually included her to join our meet ups with our group of friends. She has excluded herself and then gives my friend grief about it for having a social life.

 

We never even had the conversation when we met, my friend joined us so I didn’t think it was appropriate to bring it up then. When we met he said I needn’t worry about him he is really good (mental health).

 

He was acting very odd when we met, which I couldn’t figure out. He mentioned he had a proper talk with his wife and she agreed that she needed to treat him better and that since that talk she has been very good to him. I was very surprised but obviously glad it seems something has clicked with her. I realised his odd behaviour was a kind of satisfied smugness. Hope it lasts, it’s not fun to see your friend miserable and tiptoeing around their partner.

[thornz]

One final thought --- my ex was a guy who was always "poor me". He was a big complainer. When I met him, he portrayed himself as a guy who got the short end of the stick in love. One of his ex's cheated, one of his ex's did something else -- totally reasonable reasons to break a relationship off. But as time went on i realized that aside from the cheater, the common denominator was him. All of these women were not bad -- they just didn't want to put up with his garbage and he did not self reflect - it was always something about them and never about him.

 

And one other anecdote -- does he consider that his wife has no family to lean on -- she can't count on her parents to watch the baby so she can go to the store or take baby for the evening so they can go out on a date? No, its all on her.

 

Hi, he’s not the common denominator as I don’t recall him ever doing this with his exes before they met and imo he was a far, far worse partner to his exes. He really appears to treat his wife like a Goddess.

 

We have discussed a lot of times that her behaviour might be made worse by isolation, partly self inflicted because she’s certainly not short of invites to social events. He is very aware and I think he makes plenty of allowance for that. His mother would happily babysit until she bit her head off recently. I’ve offered to babysit myself but my friend advised that wouldn’t happen.

[Jibralta]

How would you approach a situation like this with a good friend?

 

I would avoid him. It doesn't sound like abuse to me, thornz.

 

I also think that people who complain about their spouse/partner to outsiders are incredibly disrespectful to their relationship. In fact, when I was dating, I screened for guys who had bad things to say about their exes because I learned that it was a sign of how they would (try to) treat me.

 

He's your friend and you want to think highly of him, but consider the fact that people act differently in friendships than they do in romantic relationships.

 

In their entire time together he hasn’t really had anything positive to say about her, only negative things

 

Hi, he’s not the common denominator as I don’t recall him ever doing this with his exes before they met and imo he was a far, far worse partner to his exes. He really appears to treat his wife like a Goddess.

 

He' not treating his wife like a goddess if he's making her out to be a jerk behind her back.

[DancingFool]

I'm just curious, OP. How would you feel if your SO had this friend to whom they air all your dirty relationship laundry. Would you be comfortable hanging out with this person knowing they know all your problems better even than you do? Would you like this person and the power they hold over YOUR relationship with the advice they choose to provide to your SO? Would you perhaps feel uncomfortable and humiliated about it and around that person, maybe dislike them quite a bit?

 

There is nothing wrong with having opposite sex friends, but your friendship has crossed boundaries of basic decency and respect, regardless of genders.

[Snny]

Their agreement before she conceived was that as she earns a lot more (I think about double), he would stay at home and she would work. Then when they found out they were pregnant, she decided she would stay at home, my friend said they could only afford 4 month before they would swap and she would return to work. Baby is now 9 months and she has refused to return to work putting financial strain on them, but constantly belittling him for always being at work.

 

My friend said she calls all the shots and overrules any input he wants in their family decisions and he feels like a sperm donor. His wife and baby got stuck in Poland for weeks after he said she was too young to fly and he didn’t want them to go there until she was older (wife is Polish). Wife overruled and baby got sick and couldn’t return.

 

He said no to holidays because they can’t afford it, she booked one and told him to pay even though she has savings.

Darling, it’s clear you have never been a mother just on the things you’ve written here. So allow me to shed some light on this matter.

 

It is not uncommon for one partner to quit working temporarily to stay home while the other works with a new baby. At least not for the first year or so. Childcare is EXPENSIVE that for some people, it’s financially better to be a stay-at-home parent. It can cost $15k a year, and on an average that can be about HALF of a person’s income. That’s not even counting the diapers, baby food, baby toys, doctor visits, or your own bills (mortgage, utilities, hospital bills after delivery, etc). Not everyone is lucky to have family nearby to watch the kid for free. Infant childcare is the most expensive than sending a toddler or a preschooler to daycare because they have higher needs and require special care around the clock. Mom may also have health complications after labor that it will take her a year to recover (a potential reason why she may come across a little “b***y”). You do not have a full picture of what is going on with her personally other than hearsay from your friend... a mans persoective.

 

As for vacations, omg I seriously feel for her. He husband may work an 8-10 hour job, but do you know how hard Mothers work? I guarantee you that she is not sitting on her ass. She is taking care of a very high needy child from the moment she wakes up to the time she goes to bed, and may have to wake up in the middle of the night to a crying baby. This is a 24/7 job she is taking on that it’s no wonder she just wants to go somewhere to relax.

 

Your friend may seem like he’s being treated like a slave. Just remember he VOLUNTARILY signed up for fatherhood by putting his d*ck and sperm in his wife. The first couple years of parenthood is incredibly stressful and a major life changer, and he and his wife need time to adjust. It doesn’t happen in a month.

 

As for the swimming pool thing, really? The mom gets the kid most of the time and can’t have time off for a couple hours for one day? A GOOD friend who cares would offer to watch the baby for a couple hours just so that they could nap, get chores done, or even take a shower. When you have your baby, you better hope to god someone offers to watch the baby for a couple hours than just gives material things at a baby shower (not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I have heard so many new moms lamenting about lack of sleep or getting enough time to shower that they would rather give up the idea of a baby shower).

 

So honestly OP.... please stay the heck out of this one, especially if you got zero experience of parenthood. If my husband ever had a friend who even tried to intervene after I had a baby and am dealing with stress of parenthood, I’d chew his/her ass out and feed it to the dogs without holding back. Like who the heck are you trying to tell ME how to run MY family? Butt the hell out. He is not being “abused” here based on what you’ve written. If anything, your friend is being a whiner who needs to grow the hell up and handle his own responsibilities like a mature married man and father. Really, grow the F up.

[thornz]

I'm just curious, OP. How would you feel if your SO had this friend to whom they air all your dirty relationship laundry. Would you be comfortable hanging out with this person knowing they know all your problems better even than you do? Would you like this person and the power they hold over YOUR relationship with the advice they choose to provide to your SO? Would you perhaps feel uncomfortable and humiliated about it and around that person, maybe dislike them quite a bit?

 

There is nothing wrong with having opposite sex friends, but your friendship has crossed boundaries of basic decency and respect, regardless of genders.

 

If you’re implying my friends wife is so rude because she of how she perceives me due to how I talk with their husband, I can tell you she has always been so rude and erratic. The first time I met her was by chance in town on a night out and her behaviour was extremely rude and possessive before she had even been introduced to know who I was.

 

I’ve been in a relationship where my partner spoke about me to his friends the way my friend speaks to his friends about his wife. I told him if he thought so poorly of me he should leave. We had a very volatile and abusive relationship and in the end his friends and family advised him to leave (which imo was the right thing for them to do in our situation).

 

Anyway, I’ve given this far too much air time now. He can resolve his own problems with his wife and I’ll get on with my own business.

 

I think I’ve learnt an important lesson, if somebody else’s drama is causing me stress then that’s a warning sign that I’m too involved and need to take a breather for some perspective.

 

I’ve always been a worrier and occasionally if I’ve been under a lot of stress my default reaction is to dig myself a little panic pit and fill it with things to worry about and if anybody else has something to worry about, in it goes, for me to worry about. I definitely need to work on that.

[thornz]

Thanks for your advice everyone. I’ve learnt a very valuable lesson. If I’m worrying about other people’s drama then I am making it my own issue which is not healthy for me and is setting me back in what I’m trying to achieve for my mental health and personal development.

 

If I panic about other people’s problems in future I can take a step back and realise that I am probably over reacting and feeding my anxiety with BS I shouldn’t be concerning myself with. If other people are involving me in their problems I have the right to set boundaries to prevent their behaviour from causing me upset and if they overstep those boundaries it is not unreasonable for me to cut them out of my life.

 

These are things I’m learning and I feel much better for it. Thanks everyone.

[Snny]

Also OP:

She was very rude to his mother the other day because when she babysat she couldn’t get baby to sleep on schedule.

If you ever had to raise an infant, you wouldn’t blame her for this “rudeness.” Having your baby on a schedule is VERY VITAL and will cost you HOURS of sleep because your kid is up throughout the night. And there is nothing that makes a new parent cranky as hell than having to deal with their baby being off schedule due to someone else’s screwing it up. It affects the mother... just talk to any pediatrician how important it is to schedule train your baby- almost like training a puppy. It’d be nit picky as hell too if I could only get 4-5 hours of sleep and deal with a baby who’s up all night because my in-law MESSED IT UP.

 

 

 

Oh and somewhere in this thread, you mentioned how mom was once the breadwinner of the family and had to give up working — and your impression on that is she is lazy?? It takes serious dedication to leave a job that makes so much money just to raise a child. Imagine you going to school, paying all that F’ing tuition or owing student loans just to have a high-dollar job.... you get pregnant and you got health complications OR gave birth to a child with special needs that your job can’t give you extra maternity leave to support a family. I’m sorry, but family always comes first and personally, I would not hold any judgement toward a parent who decided to step down from a job to raise a kid. I love my job, spent YEARS and MONEY studying for the field I wanted... and if life happens where I have to sacrifice my job to be a full-time mother, then it’s going to be painful to give up that self identity.

 

You don’t spend enough time talking or understanding where his wife is coming from. How do you know what’s really going on with her? Don’t pass judgement into stay-at-home parents until you’ve sat in the front seat of the experience.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. It's true you shouldn't let friends dump on you like this. Your time and energy are valuable to you. You're not a free therapist for people who just want to complain but not help themselves in any way. Don't let friends create this kind of drama in your life. As you can see, suddenly he and his wife are all aglow again, after he caused you unnecessary nonsense. Be selective with friends.

If other people are involving me in their problems I have the right to set boundaries to prevent their behaviour from causing me upset and if they overstep those boundaries it is not unreasonable for me to cut them out of my life.

[thornz]

Excellent. It's true you shouldn't let friends dump on you like this. Your time and energy are valuable to you. You're not a free therapist for people who just want to complain but not help themselves in any way. Don't let friends create this kind of drama in your life. As you can see, suddenly he and his wife are all aglow again, after he caused you unnecessary nonsense. Be selective with friends.

 

Yes exactly, he could have just spoken to his wife to resolve things in the first place and I would have been none the wiser. But because I’ve allowed this I’m now stressed and wound up over things that aren’t my concern. Unfortunately for me it takes a lot of work to relax myself even if only a little upset has occurred. I’ll know better than to entertain it next time.

[DancingFool]

Thanks for your advice everyone. I’ve learnt a very valuable lesson. If I’m worrying about other people’s drama then I am making it my own issue which is not healthy for me and is setting me back in what I’m trying to achieve for my mental health and personal development.

 

If I panic about other people’s problems in future I can take a step back and realise that I am probably over reacting and feeding my anxiety with BS I shouldn’t be concerning myself with. If other people are involving me in their problems I have the right to set boundaries to prevent their behaviour from causing me upset and if they overstep those boundaries it is not unreasonable for me to cut them out of my life.

 

These are things I’m learning and I feel much better for it. Thanks everyone.

 

^This YES!

[abitbroken]

If you’re implying my friends wife is so rude because she of how she perceives me due to how I talk with their husband, I can tell you she has always been so rude and erratic.

 

Repeat this in your head: this man who is my friend CHOSE this woman as a girlfriend and has CHOSEN her to be his wife. Maybe she was uncomfortable that you are inappropriately her husband's "bestie" (note i am not saying a man and a woman can't be friends, but being their BEST friend when they are married is inappropriate). But no matter what. HE CHOSE HER so you have to respect that and think a little more highly of her.

[abitbroken]

Yes exactly, he could have just spoken to his wife to resolve things in the first place and I would have been none the wiser. But because I’ve allowed this I’m now stressed and wound up over things that aren’t my concern. Unfortunately for me it takes a lot of work to relax myself even if only a little upset has occurred. I’ll know better than to entertain it next time.

 

I think that you are getting it if you now recognize this and you need to take it a step further -- no to "blame" people ie "i would not have been involved if he hadn't brought it up" and learn to assert your own boundaries. That is how a woman has an emotional affair with a married man before she can turn around and know how it happened or that is how people can end up preventing their friends from growth - because they have to be involved in it. This need of yours to be in the middle of friends' dramas is now recognized and it needs to stop.

 

 

And its not enough to stop it when its stressing you out - but to learn not to cross the line in the first place.

 

This woman is almost forced to defend her marriage against outside intruders (such as yourself though you don't realize it) who are acting as her judge and jury by entertaining her husband's complaints

[Snny]

This woman is almost forced to defend her marriage against outside intruders (such as yourself though you don't realize it) who are acting as her judge and jury by entertaining her husband's complaints

Right? And if this guy is a huge complainer, it highly speaks of his maturity level. I’d have second thoughts about this friendship of someone who talks so much smack about their spouse. Like what is he personally getting out of this. Learn to handle your own responsibility.