I think my best friends wife is abusive.

[GranChi]

I don't agree with most of the responses in this thread. thornz is the only person here who actually knows this couple. If she's noticed signs of emotional abuse going on in their relationship, I would consider the possibility that maybe it is. If thornz's descriptions of the relationship are true, then some of the wife's treatment of the friend does sound like it matches up with the criteria for emotional abuse (frequently making your partner feel bad about themself, telling them they're not good enough, etc.) At the very least, it's an unhealthy and hurtful way to treat one's partner, and the psychological effect of that is real.

 

If the friend really is being abused, then I think some of you who are making negative comments about him are engaging in victim blaming - like calling him a whiner, saying he shouldn't tell anyone about the potential abuse, or that he deserves however she treats him because he chose to marry her. I don't think that's fair.

 

I also want to say that men can be emotionally abused, it shouldn't be taken less seriously because of their gender, and they shouldn't be told to just tough it out. Maybe you all know that already, but I just feel like I've seen a pattern of this kind of thing, where someone brings up the possibility of a man being abused in a relationship, and people very quickly dismiss it as if it's impossible or not a big deal.

 

thornz - I totally agree that it's not your responsibility to talk to your friend about his marriage if you've noticed that it isn't healthy for you to do so. However, I don't agree with the people who said that your concern was totally unwarranted or overstepping boundaries. You sound like a good friend whose concerns were valid. I was glad to read that his wife acknowledged that she needs to be better to him, and I hope she follows through on that.

[Jibralta]

This woman is almost forced to defend her marriage against outside intruders (such as yourself though you don't realize it) who are acting as her judge and jury by entertaining her husband's complaints

 

Agreed.

 

Like what is he personally getting out of this.

 

That would be my question, too. And I think this is a very likely outcome in these types of situations:

 

That is how a woman has an emotional affair with a married man before she can turn around and know how it happened

[Snny]

If the friend really is being abused, then I think some of you who are making negative comments about him are engaging in victim blaming - like calling him a whiner, saying he shouldn't tell anyone about the potential abuse, or that he deserves however she treats him because he chose to marry her. I don't think that's fair.

 

I also want to say that men can be emotionally abused, it shouldn't be taken less seriously because of their gender, and they shouldn't be told to just tough it out. Maybe you all know that already, but I just feel like I've seen a pattern of this kind of thing, where someone brings up the possibility of a man being abused in a relationship, and people very quickly dismiss it as if it's impossible or not a big deal.

Lady you have taken my post completely out of context. And this is coming from someone who has been in an abusive in a relationship before. Nowhere have I suggested any misandrist comments or “victim blaming” and have backed up my claim based on information given by the OP. Her stories have been very one-sided because she only speaks with her friend. Please tell me how taking a dip in the pool for a couple of hours and having your spouse be resonsible for the kid is “abusive” when wife has been watching the baby 24/7.

 

If he is truly being abused then he needs to seek professional counseling and a family attorney, not constantly complaining to the OP. How he handles the dynamic of his marriage is his business. You NEVER come between your friend and his/her spouse with their marriage issues because it will backfire.

 

Also are you a parent? Doesn’t sound like it.

[thornz]

I don't agree with most of the responses in this thread. thornz is the only person here who actually knows this couple. If she's noticed signs of emotional abuse going on in their relationship, I would consider the possibility that maybe it is. If thornz's descriptions of the relationship are true, then some of the wife's treatment of the friend does sound like it matches up with the criteria for emotional abuse (frequently making your partner feel bad about themself, telling them they're not good enough, etc.) At the very least, it's an unhealthy and hurtful way to treat one's partner, and the psychological effect of that is real.

 

If the friend really is being abused, then I think some of you who are making negative comments about him are engaging in victim blaming - like calling him a whiner, saying he shouldn't tell anyone about the potential abuse, or that he deserves however she treats him because he chose to marry her. I don't think that's fair.

 

I also want to say that men can be emotionally abused, it shouldn't be taken less seriously because of their gender, and they shouldn't be told to just tough it out. Maybe you all know that already, but I just feel like I've seen a pattern of this kind of thing, where someone brings up the possibility of a man being abused in a relationship, and people very quickly dismiss it as if it's impossible or not a big deal.

 

thornz - I totally agree that it's not your responsibility to talk to your friend about his marriage if you've noticed that it isn't healthy for you to do so. However, I don't agree with the people who said that your concern was totally unwarranted or overstepping boundaries. You sound like a good friend whose concerns were valid. I was glad to read that his wife acknowledged that she needs to be better to him, and I hope she follows through on that.

 

Hi, I hope she follows through on it too. As I’ve said a few times already I didn’t really go into why I think it’s abusive I just mentioned his complaints from the day that she rung me last.

 

The reasons I feel it is abusive are because she is in control of most things and the things she is not in control of she tries to control and gives him grief, sulks and tries to manipulate her way into getting him to do what she wants. She tries to stop him socialising and doing anything that he wants or having any say in any of the household decisions or finances.

 

Any agreements they make she tends to go back on and takeover without my friends input. Often she will make decisions that affect the household without consulting him or ignoring him.

 

He has depression, which he has two outlets, socialising and a particular type of social “exercise” (the only exercise he will do). When he has made arrangements to do that or see friends, even when she has been consulted and agreed to it months beforehand, she will make a fuss and make threats or sarcastic comments to prevent him going, criticises and belittles everything he does.

 

She has had jealous screaming fits in front of us before, once accused him of flirting with a girl just because he talked to her came up stood in between them to disrupt their conversation. She also stood between me and my friend the first time I met her, with her back to me, which I found exceptionally rude. After a few of these episodes she stopped getting invited to parties and events held by one particular friend.

 

It sounds like she never has anything good to say to him or about him and if he tries to have any say in decisions she gaslights and changes track to confuse. It has definitely got a lot worse since they married.

 

I think the thing that raised eyebrows with me was I once asked if he wanted to meet up (also invited his wife) to do some normal activity that would be about 5/6 hours social time, in a few weeks time. He kind of took a big sigh and said although he was free that it would probably be too late to try and start negotiations with his gf (before they married) and then explained the long drawn out process it would be to get her to “let” him have even a few hours out with me and/or others. The way he explained it was like a tactical hostage situation to navigate and that even if she would eventually agree that the day of or the night before she would always kick up a massive argument to try and stop him from going anyway.

 

He often says strange things that make me question whether he has any autonomy or say in the relationship.

 

There are other things but generally that’s the main things, it seems like she tries and to a large degree succeeds in controlling him. He said he feels he can’t do anything right in her eyes and he wonders what is the point even being there as he is always wrong and getting chastised.

 

But as others have said I’m only getting one side of the story and in my experience of abusive relationships the abuse went both ways. Who is to say he is an angel?

 

Anyway. It’s not my problem anymore, if it’s really as bad as it sounds then what can I do? It’s affecting my health to keep listening to it. I can only advise him to see a professional and they can advise him/them accordingly. Would a marital counsellor tell them if he thought one or both of them were abusive? Who knows. Mine didn’t.

[abitbroken]

The reasons I feel it is abusive are because she is in control of most things and the things she is not in control of she tries to control and gives him grief, sulks and tries to manipulate her way into getting him to do what she wants. She tries to stop him socialising and doing anything that he wants or having any say in any of the household decisions or finances.

 

Any agreements they make she tends to go back on and takeover without my friends input. Often she will make decisions that affect the household without consulting him or ignoring him.

 

you are getting only one side, still.

AND he CHOSE her so she can't be that evil.

As a friend, you should have been encouraging him to look at the good and to not paint her so badly.

Do you ever think for a minute that she doesn't want to spend time with you because you are the inappropriately close female friend?

 

 

I am glad you are seeing the light. I would also distance myself a bit from him in general - he is leaning on you far too much

[thornz]

The reasons I feel it is abusive are because she is in control of most things and the things she is not in control of she tries to control and gives him grief, sulks and tries to manipulate her way into getting him to do what she wants. She tries to stop him socialising and doing anything that he wants or having any say in any of the household decisions or finances.

 

Any agreements they make she tends to go back on and takeover without my friends input. Often she will make decisions that affect the household without consulting him or ignoring him.

 

you are getting only one side, still.

AND he CHOSE her so she can't be that evil.

As a friend, you should have been encouraging him to look at the good and to not paint her so badly.

Do you ever think for a minute that she doesn't want to spend time with you because you are the inappropriately close female friend?

 

 

I am glad you are seeing the light. I would also distance myself a bit from him in general - he is leaning on you far too much

 

Hi, I am aware I’m only hearing his side (aside from the screaming fits etc I have seen first hand). I actually feel guilty due to the fact that until I posted I was telling him to stay with her and look at the good points for all these years. Seeing how bad things have got I wish I hadn’t. But it is what it is.

 

Who has said she’s evil? Plus to suggest somebody isn’t that bad because somebody chooses to pursue a relationship with them doesn’t make sense. Plenty of people are in relationships with abusers or even “evil” people. This site exists for those people.

 

Apparently she doesn’t like to associate with any of his friends, Male or female and gives him a hard time when does so (or tries to do so). That is one of his main complaints that she won’t socialise with him as a couple and only wants them to be alone or for him to be at home whilst she goes out with her friends (way before baby came along).

 

Anyway, like I said, I’ve given it too much air time. Let them deal with it. Thanks for your opinions.

[Jibralta]

Apparently she doesn’t like to associate with any of his friends, Male or female and gives him a hard time when does so (or tries to do so). That is one of his main complaints that she won’t socialise with him as a couple and only wants them to be alone or for him to be at home whilst she goes out with her friends (way before baby came along).

 

If I had a husband like him, I wouldn't want to associate with any of his friends, either. Chances are, he probably complains to everyone about her, and she probably senses hostility from them. It's a lot like gas lighting, actually: spreading rumors behind someone's back leaves that person no way to understand or respond to the hostility that results.

 

My dad did this to my mom when they were married. Told all his friends and his family how bad she was to him, always had him working, doing stuff for her, etc. Women in particular ate it up because he was so charming and handsome. They felt like they were better than my mom and thus didn't think twice about sleeping with him.

 

So, my dad had numerous affairs and interfered with my mom's attempts to go to night school by not staying home to watching my sister and I. In fact, I clearly remember staying up night after night, hoping to hear my father come home. And yes, my mom was nuts at this point because everything she did was met with passive aggressive hostility and gas lighting.

 

After my parents' divorce, my mom was ostracized by his entire family, his friends, and many of their mutual friends. It was very difficult for her. People really believed that my mom was the villain and that my dad got the sh*t end of the stick. But slowly, people started to see through my dad's disguise. People actually called my mom and apologized to her. A lot of people had covered for my dad so that he could have affairs. But when he finally burned them, too, they thought about my mom, my sister, and I, and they realized he was doing the same thing to us all along. They came clean to my mom, told her how they lied for him, and why they did it. That's how she found out that he was talking behind her back all of those years that they were married--EIGHTEEN years!!

 

In fact, my father's entire family ended up disowning him, but they didn't see his true colors until he was well into his 50s. That's how charming and innocent he seemed. His last girlfriend, who was his companion for 16 years up until the day he died, still believes my father was wronged by everyone, and that he was a good and decent man.

[Batya33]

"I think the thing that raised eyebrows with me was I once asked if he wanted to meet up (also invited his wife) to do some normal activity that would be about 5/6 hours social time, in a few weeks time. He kind of took a big sigh and said although he was free that it would probably be too late to try and start negotiations with his gf (before they married) and then explained the long drawn out process it would be to get her to “let” him have even a few hours out with me and/or others."

 

 

I think you're right to stay out of it and I agree with the others that he has chosen to stay with her -so she might be controlling but he is passive and part of him likes that role I bet. And what you quoted - not sure if this was pre- or post-baby but if post- guess what - 5-6 hours can be a huge amount of time depending on when it is -it might be the only time the new parent gets to take a nap because the infant might not be sleeping through the night, for example. And my other guess - the "I have to get permission" often means "I actually prefer to stay in but I'll just blame it on my partner". My husband used to meet friends for dinner when I was a SAHM with a baby - and "dinner" or "lunch" would be 4-6 hours. To me meeting for lunch meant 1-2 hours at the meal, plus travel time (and this usually was local) -and at night I was exhausted and if I asked him to be back by 11 that would be seen as trying to get him to live by a clock. But back then, with a new baby, I had insomnia often and I had a hard time getting to sleep knowing he might come home any minute and wake me inadvertently. So yes 5-6 hours could be a lot depending on when.

 

I also agree she probably doesn't want to be around his friends because she senses what is going on.

[thornz]

If I had a husband like him, I wouldn't want to associate with any of his friends, either. Chances are, he probably complains to everyone about her, and she probably senses hostility from them. It's a lot like gas lighting, actually: spreading rumors behind someone's back leaves that person no way to understand or respond to the hostility that results.

 

My dad did this to my mom when they were married. Told all his friends and his family how bad she was to him, always had him working, doing stuff for her, etc. Women in particular ate it up because he was so charming and handsome. They felt like they were better than my mom and thus didn't think twice about sleeping with him.

 

So, my dad had numerous affairs and interfered with my mom's attempts to go to night school by not staying home to watching my sister and I. In fact, I clearly remember staying up night after night, hoping to hear my father come home. And yes, my mom was nuts at this point because everything she did was met with passive aggressive hostility and gas lighting.

 

After my parents' divorce, my mom was ostracized by his entire family, his friends, and many of their mutual friends. It was very difficult for her. People really believed that my mom was the villain and that my dad got the sh*t end of the stick. But slowly, people started to see through my dad's disguise. People actually called my mom and apologized to her. A lot of people had covered for my dad so that he could have affairs. But when he finally burned them, too, they thought about my mom, my sister, and I, and they realized he was doing the same thing to us all along. They came clean to my mom, told her how they lied for him, and why they did it. That's how she found out that he was talking behind her back all of those years that they were married--EIGHTEEN years!!

 

In fact, my father's entire family ended up disowning him, but they didn't see his true colors until he was well into his 50s. That's how charming and innocent he seemed. His last girlfriend, who was his companion for 16 years up until the day he died, still believes my father was wronged by everyone, and that he was a good and decent man.

 

Hi Jibralta, I don’t see that being the case, as I have certainly never been hostile to her and as I said in my last post I was always defending her to him until just recently. I have actually gone out of my way to try and be welcoming and involve her as much as possible, despite her hostility towards me and in the end I gave up because of her ignorance. So far as I can tell all our mutual friends are also warm and friendly or at least amicable with her. They also try and involve her. I do think it is possible that she feels she doesn’t fit in as she is very different and has a different sense of humour, but that doesn’t excuse rudeness. She has always been like this even before my friend had any regular complaints to me. Maybe he was ing to others before then, who knows.

 

I can relate to your fathers female associates sleeping with him due to his complaints. I dated a man in my teens who would constantly complain about me to our neighbours. One night he came home saying they had all been drinking together and getting stoned and the neighbours were trying to convince him to get intimate with their single friend (who was present and very keen). I was like duh! You go round there telling them how I mistreat you every 5 minutes, of course they want their friend to be with you, since you are such a “good loyal bf”. Truth was we were both awful to each other and shouldn’t have been together.

 

I can see what you’re saying that he might be full of bull but I don’t see that. He also has had a fair few women chase him since they met and to my knowledge he has been absolutely faithful since they became officially a couple.

 

I’m keeping an open mind. I’m not trying any more with her as I’ve given more effort to that than I ever should have. Not worth the energy trying to be friends with someone who actively avoids it and not worth the energy worrying about a relationship that I’m not in.

[Jibralta]

Hi Jibralta, I don’t see that being the case, as I have certainly never been hostile to her and as I said in my last post I was always defending her to him until just recently. I have actually gone out of my way to try and be welcoming and involve her as much as possible, despite her hostility towards me and in the end I gave up because of her ignorance.

 

I don't know her and I don't know you. But it's pretty clear from your posts that you dislike her. And that is fine. But people are very perceptive. No matter how nice you think you're being to someone, people generally know when you dislike them.

[thornz]

"I think the thing that raised eyebrows with me was I once asked if he wanted to meet up (also invited his wife) to do some normal activity that would be about 5/6 hours social time, in a few weeks time. He kind of took a big sigh and said although he was free that it would probably be too late to try and start negotiations with his gf (before they married) and then explained the long drawn out process it would be to get her to “let” him have even a few hours out with me and/or others."

 

 

I think you're right to stay out of it and I agree with the others that he has chosen to stay with her -so she might be controlling but he is passive and part of him likes that role I bet. And what you quoted - not sure if this was pre- or post-baby but if post- guess what - 5-6 hours can be a huge amount of time depending on when it is -it might be the only time the new parent gets to take a nap because the infant might not be sleeping through the night, for example. And my other guess - the "I have to get permission" often means "I actually prefer to stay in but I'll just blame it on my partner". My husband used to meet friends for dinner when I was a SAHM with a baby - and "dinner" or "lunch" would be 4-6 hours. To me meeting for lunch meant 1-2 hours at the meal, plus travel time (and this usually was local) -and at night I was exhausted and if I asked him to be back by 11 that would be seen as trying to get him to live by a clock. But back then, with a new baby, I had insomnia often and I had a hard time getting to sleep knowing he might come home any minute and wake me inadvertently. So yes 5-6 hours could be a lot depending on when.

 

I also agree she probably doesn't want to be around his friends because she senses what is going on.

 

Hi Batya, I did mention it was before they married. I wouldn’t expect him to spend 5-6hrs now with a little one, I think even 1-2 hours is a good stretch with a 9 month old. I often request he brings her (I refer to her as my niece) as well so his wife can have a break and I can see her as I miss so much since we meet infrequently.

 

He is an extremely extroverted and sociable person. One of his main complaints is that his wife inhibits and complains about his social life and makes “snidey remarks” when he is leaving to see friends. I doubt very much he would use his wife as an excuse but I could never know for certain. He states that his exercise and social life are vital for his mental health and wellbeing and she makes him feel bad for wanting to keep on top of his health.

 

From my first hand interactions with her I can’t imagine she would be a great deal improved if he never had a negative word to say. I think some people are rude and act nuts because they are just rude. Again I will never know for sure and I’m not inclined to try and be friendly and welcoming to her anymore tbh. I have no inclination to go out of my way for those who are consistently impolite and hostile.

[thornz]

I don't know her and I don't know you. But it's pretty clear from your posts that you dislike her. And that is fine. But people are very perceptive. No matter how nice you think you're being to someone, people generally know when you dislike them.

 

Yes that’s a very good point, my initial perception of her was that she instantly disliked me, despite not knowing me. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she was in a bad mood? and made plenty of effort towards her but she’s never reciprocated and yes I found her consistently rude (bar one particular occasion) and thus dislike her.

 

I’d say the feeling is now mutual lol

[IAmFCA]

Labeling her behavior as abusive is a distraction. Bottom line, you can't protect him or help him until and unless he wants help. Be his friend. Keep records if you like. Plan outings in advance that have a discreet start and stop time. Accept that he chose this, and make peace with it. It's a way of accepting your friend in as-is condition. That's a powerful form of love and the best friendship you can offer, if you can see your way to it.

[thornz]

Labeling her behavior as abusive is a distraction. Bottom line, you can't protect him or help him until and unless he wants help. Be his friend. Keep records if you like. Plan outings in advance that have a discreet start and stop time. Accept that he chose this, and make peace with it. It's a way of accepting your friend in as-is condition. That's a powerful form of love and the best friendship you can offer, if you can see your way to it.

 

Awww that is a lovely sentiment. Yes I have made peace with it and accept his choice in partner/lifestyle. I can only protect my own health by asserting my right to not entertain their drama.

[IAmFCA]

Awww that is a lovely sentiment. Yes I have made peace with it and accept his choice in partner/lifestyle. I can only protect my own health by asserting my right to not entertain their drama.

 

Nailed it. Find the appropriate distance to maintain affection and balance, and carry on!

[abitbroken]

Hi Jibralta, I don’t see that being the case, as I have certainly never been hostile to her and as I said in my last post I was always defending her to him until just recently.

 

I don't believe that you have been hostile to her (from what i am reading.) Its the fact that her husband is leaning on another woman and has a female "bestie". I became quite unwelcoming to my ex's female friends because there was one that he saw behind my back when i was at work or away on business. There was one that if she complimented something in our home, it would end up in her hands by the time she went home. he would talk about how female friends wronged him at some time or another and then turned around and criticized me why i didn't want them around. And he would spill his guts to them about me, etc., so they knew all about my business. It was uncomfortable to say the least.

[thornz]

Hi Jibralta, I don’t see that being the case, as I have certainly never been hostile to her and as I said in my last post I was always defending her to him until just recently.

 

I don't believe that you have been hostile to her (from what i am reading.) Its the fact that her husband is leaning on another woman and has a female "bestie". I became quite unwelcoming to my ex's female friends because there was one that he saw behind my back when i was at work or away on business. There was one that if she complimented something in our home, it would end up in her hands by the time she went home. he would talk about how female friends wronged him at some time or another and then turned around and criticized me why i didn't want them around. And he would spill his guts to them about me, etc., so they knew all about my business. It was uncomfortable to say the least.

 

Aah I see, I don’t think he would see me behind her back. He has suggested it before to avoid conflict with her but I refused to see him unless she knew we were meeting. My reasoning was that it was sneaky and yes he might get grief from her for seeing me when he was honest but she might suspect there was more to our relationship than there was if he lied and she later found out.

 

How did you know he spilled his guts? I don’t see how she would be aware tbh and I may be one of his best friends but we don’t see each other often.

 

Our relationship is not like the relationship I have with my female best friend. No sleepovers and one on one time in private and he also has a male best friend and other very close friends who she apparently doesn’t like him spending time with either.

 

I don’t think he would about me and other friends to her but who knows?

[Jibralta]

How did you know he spilled his guts? I don’t see how she would be aware tbh

 

It's pretty obvious when people are talking behind your back from the way that they act. Have you never been in that situation? The difficulty is not in knowing that they are doing it, but in proving that they are doing it and responding appropriately. That's the passive aggressive mind-f*ck.

[thornz]

It's pretty obvious when people are talking behind your back from the way that they act. Have you never been in that situation? The difficulty is not in knowing that they are doing it, but in proving that they are doing it and responding appropriately. That's the passive aggressive mind-f*ck.

 

Hi Jibralta, yes I can remember distinctly being in that situation on two occasions, one was a work colleague and I knew because he complained about everyone and would then be a kiss a**, so I knew when he had been bi*ching about me because he was a kiss a** to me which was his tell.

 

The other was an ex and I knew because he would tell me. Otherwise I wouldn’t have known I don’t think.

 

Other than that if someone I encounter complains a lot or gossips a lot about other people I assume they would about me and avoid them.

 

Tbh I wouldn’t know unless they had a very obvious tell, or they told me themselves.

 

What would be an appropriate response if you find out someone had been b*tching about you in your opinion?

 

I think realistically if that’s what someone is like they don’t change so best to distance yourself. Depending on the relationship and the consequences of the breakdown of that relationship I would probably cease all contact and get on with my life.

[abitbroken]

Aah I see, I don’t think he would see me behind her back. He has suggested it before to avoid conflict with her but I refused to see him unless she knew we were meeting. My reasoning was that it was sneaky and yes he might get grief from her for seeing me when he was honest but she might suspect there was more to our relationship than there was if he lied and she later found out.

 

How did you know he spilled his guts? I don’t see how she would be aware tbh and I may be one of his best friends but we don’t see each other often.

 

Our relationship is not like the relationship I have with my female best friend. No sleepovers and one on one time in private and he also has a male best friend and other very close friends who she apparently doesn’t like him spending time with either.

 

I don’t think he would about me and other friends to her but who knows?

 

The very fact that he was seeing you behind her back is totally indicative of the problem as well as thinking she might think something is going on -- he IS emotionally cheating on her even if you don't think so and have no romantic interest in him. He is totally leaning on another woman emotionally - you. I agree that you did the right thing to tell him to not be sneaky but you TRULY do not know if she knows he is with you -- and approves of it.

 

Honestly, you need to step back from being "bestie" to him totally. Let his male friends deal with his venting. See him in a group setting or with his wife (but it probably won't happen with his wife because she doesn't have her parents or relatives to watch the baby so she can go out and relax and not be worried about the teenage babysitter). But if i were her, I wouldn't want anything to do with you, being that my husband has suggested sneaking behind my back with you

[Batya33]

I don't think he's emotionally cheating just because you're a woman. If he has romantic feelings for you that would be different. I think you're smart not to see him unless his wife approves. I think you have to have stricter boundaries of how much he confides in you. Have you ever dated him?

[abitbroken]

I don't think he's emotionally cheating just because you're a woman. If he has romantic feelings for you that would be different. I think you're smart not to see him unless his wife approves. I think you have to have stricter boundaries of how much he confides in you. Have you ever dated him?

 

If he is leaning on her for emotional support and that is taking way from the relationship with his wife --- i am not saying she is cheating with him -- but using another woman as an emotional crutch is what i am talking about.

[thornz]

I don't think he's emotionally cheating just because you're a woman. If he has romantic feelings for you that would be different. I think you're smart not to see him unless his wife approves. I think you have to have stricter boundaries of how much he confides in you. Have you ever dated him?

 

Exactly, to my knowledge he’s never had any romantic feelings towards me, maybe he found me sexually attractive when we were younger but if he did he’s never acted upon it. He has openly told me he doesn’t see me as a girl, just as one of the guys. I went on his stag do. It’s always been platonic and our relationship has been like two dudes hanging out.

 

Well yes, I would never knowingly encourage him to do anything detrimental to his relationship (or our friendship for that matter) and it’s one of those short term gain type scenarios that really could come and bite him on the butt.

 

He is actually very close friends with one of his exes and they spend time together regularly plus her husband and kids. They dated when they were in early teens though so just puppy love stuff.

[Batya33]

If he is leaning on her for emotional support and that is taking way from the relationship with his wife --- i am not saying she is cheating with him -- but using another woman as an emotional crutch is what i am talking about.

 

Well no -because it could be a man just as easily -no romantic feelings so it doesn't make it 'cheating" just because of gender - then he'd be cheating just the same if he confided in another man -you're overlaying it with "using as an emotional crutch" -no one is being used -he's confiding in her with her consent. I think "emotional cheating" gets broadened way too much - I think having close emotional relationships outside of the marriage is great no matter what the gender. If there is such a thing as "emotional cheating" to me that would be a married person sexting with a person outside the marriage and discussing romantic/sexual feelings with each other -and even then that would be inappropriate but not cheating in the adultery sense -and of course if the couple decides that neither can have close friendships outside the marriage that's up to them but without that I think it takes it way too far. I hate to see friendships being limited or restricted just because one or both people are married.

[Batya33]

Exactly, to my knowledge he’s never had any romantic feelings towards me, maybe he found me sexually attractive when we were younger but if he did he’s never acted upon it. He has openly told me he doesn’t see me as a girl, just as one of the guys. I went on his stag do. It’s always been platonic and our relationship has been like two dudes hanging out.

 

Well yes, I would never knowingly encourage him to do anything detrimental to his relationship (or our friendship for that matter) and it’s one of those short term gain type scenarios that really could come and bite him on the butt.

 

He is actually very close friends with one of his exes and they spend time together regularly plus her husband and kids. They dated when they were in early teens though so just puppy love stuff.

 

Yes. I think that having friendships outside the marriage is fine as long as the person (especially of the opposite gender) is supportive of the marriage (and as long as the married person gives the spouse the opportunity to meet the friend)