Girl has just blocked on every platform - am I in the wrong?

[TurntSloth]

Hi all, I really need some advice here as I'm going out of my mind on this situation.

 

It's a LOOOOOOONG story so I won't go into all details in this first post, but in a nutshell I have been seeing a girl for a few months now. I'm 26 and she is 24 if it matters.

 

At first things were a bit uncertain between us as she wasn't sure how she felt about getting into a relationship, but as time went on things became more and more positive.

 

In the last few weeks she has literally been talking about booking a holiday together, been staying at my place multiple nights a week, leaving things like clothing and makeup remover at my place so she can stay over whenever (we've often met up after work for dinner etc... without actually planning to spend the night together, but one thing leads to another...) and she asked to meet my parents the other day which I arranged. Point is, everything was going extremely well and we both seemed happy.

 

Then out of nowhere she started acting funny. We had plans for her to stay at my place on the Wednesday and she asked to move it to the Thursday for "no reason". Then she cancelled on the Thursday. Then she cancelled our plans to spend Saturday night/Sunday together with no explanation.

 

For a long list of reasons that I won't go into unless asked, I had suspicions that she'd been on a date on Friday night. Then on Sunday I was looking through Instagram stories when I saw that she'd gone to her (female) friend's house for the day. After seeing that on her story, I viewed her friend's story and found a series of videos that made my blood run cold. It was basically her friend recording a conversation between them and posting a poll in which she said she'd been on a date on Friday night, the guy hadn't text back and she wasn't sure whether she should message him. She described how good looking he was and said he took her breath away, and she said she thought the date had been above average.

 

After practically digging a trench from pacing back and forth and stressing over how to proceed, I responded to one of the posts on her friend's channel basically saying "thanks for this, really eye opening" and left it at that. I just wanted to make it clear that I'd seen the videos and knew what was going on.

 

The girl did not take that well. A few hours later she sent me a series of messages having a massive go at me for checking up on her and messaging her friends. She said it was too intense and she was really upset that I'd done it. She also claimed that the videos were just for some roleplay she was doing on her friend's channel.

 

I admitted that I probably shouldn't have messaged her friend but that she had been acting weird all week and I reacted in the moment due to her actions and what I saw.

 

That was on Sunday night. On Monday we had a positive conversation on the phone where she said she understands why I reacted the way I did but and she's sorry for how her actions came across, but that I shouldn't have messaged her friend. I agreed and apologised and we basically left it at that. Then after not speaking for a few days, I woke up to a message today saying she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, she feels like I don't trust her, that I think she's a liar, and that I'm watching her all the time and have invaded her privacy. She's blocked me on every platform.

 

I'm devastated to say the least. I really thought this girl was the one. I won't go into how heartbroken I am about the whole thing, but my question is, based on the above, was I out of line? Would you consider it an invasion of privacy if someone you were seeing watched your friend's Instagram story?

 

I genuinely don't think I've done something wrong and wouldn't find it weird if she watched my friend's stories, but I'd like to be corrected if the general feeling is that it's unacceptable. A huge part of me thinks that the only reason she's so mad is because I found out something she didn't want me to. Because she got caught out. It would also explain why after months of dating she'd be so willing to cut me out of her life suddenly after one argument. Because she doesn't need me anymore. Am I right or just being paranoid??

 

Was I in the wrong?

 

We've actually known each other and been on the fringes of dating for a while, slowly growing together, but if we've argued in the past it's never come to her blocking me on everything like this. It really feels like the end...

[DancingFool]

No, you weren't out of line and quite frankly, you should have ended things with her right there and then. What you are facing now is the typical cheater playbook mind fck - shifting blame on you as if you are the bad one who did something wrong. You weren't wrong and your instincts were spot on.

 

Look, she wasn't that into you, what she did was asinine, the way she treated you, and is treating you, is even worse. You do not see anything with that kind of a person but an immediate boot out of your life with extreme prejudice.

 

Be glad she blocked you, now block her on your end and thank your lucky stars you didn't waste too much time on her. Heal, move on. There is a girl out there for you, but this one sure wasn't it.

[sputnik123]

Hey Ts,

 

You did nothing wrong.

 

Move on from this girl. It will take a while, but you will get there.

 

Her blocking you is a positive thing as it means you can go full no contact from here.

[DanZee]

Well, you're not in the wrong in some aspects. But you only dated the girl for a few months, were you exclusive? You didn't mention that you were. In that case, she was free to date anybody else she wanted to.

 

But then you found out about the date and you caught her. And now she feels totally guilty. Perhaps so guilty she can't even look at you. That's why she flipped out by sending you messages. Instead of apologizing and owning up to it, she tried to get out of it by accusing you of invading her privacy and so forth. It's all very immature.

 

Look, she can't be trusted. She's a cheater. She knows what she did. She won't accept responsibility for it and obviously she doesn't want to patch things up with you. Face it, the relationship is over. You need to find a nice girl who won't cheat on you.

[indea08]

The only thing you did wrong was apologize to her. She got caught, she should've been apologizing to you.

 

And putting a poll on social media to decide whether or not to contact some guy?? Gross. Consider yourself lucky to be rid of her.

[charity]

I agree, she is in the wrong, not you.

 

She blocked you because you caught her being sneaky and lying and she feels bad.

 

The only thing you did wrong was to message her friend. Using social media to say that you caught her cheating just looks bad. That gave her some ammunition to put the focus on you....and it worked.

 

Be strong in yourself now. She is not the one for you. Know that and move on.

[Hollyj]

She got caught, and flipped it back on you. Terrible.

 

Be glad that you found this out early. She is not the girl you thought she was.

[Johnny Utah]

Wow! You got lucky in some ways!

 

She blocked you!! Perfect! That makes it easier. She blamed you for what was her fault and then gaslighted the situation. This would get so much worse if you or her didn't end it.

 

Run away. Everybody here is spot on with their advice as well.

[JustinPonders]

Ya, this chick is a low-life loser. You definitely didn't do anything over-the-top. Your gut told you something was off and ended up being right. I know deep down you still want her because you want what you can't have but brotha, she's no good. She's a backstabbing, lying, cheat. You seem like a pretty cool dude and you deserve way better than this skank. Btw, MY gut tells me she's going to reach out to you in the near future. You MUST go completely NC. If you want to regain your power then you need to totally silence this woman and watch how she will beg and plead for you back. Do NOT give her ANYMORE attention. Zero. And watch what happens. She'll end up crawling right back. But be smart if it ever happens. She's totally untrustworthy. You can do this! Good luck:)

[MissCanuck]

It's not you, OP. It's her. She got caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

 

She also apparently doesn't think you're very bright if she expected you to believe this was "role-play." No. If it were, and if she genuinely did nothing wrong, she'd likely be the one apologizing to you for posting such a misleading video when she's dating you.

 

And she isn't very bright for posting a video like that on social media to begin with; apparently she forgot it's public domain and you could see it.

 

For many reasons, you've dodged a bullet.

[WaywardKiwi]

Hey Turntsloth,

 

I agree with everyone else. I just wanted to add that your username is awesome.

 

Hang in there,

 

T

[LC8328]

Hey,

 

You weren't stalking every single person on her IG or FB...you saw one friend's post, and she got caught from it. Hey, if you and I were dating and I was at a friend's house and you looked at my friend's post, I'd totally be cool with that. I only wouldn't be if I were trying to hide something from you.

 

She is a very dishonest person...cancelling dates, not to mention making you think you two were all made up after the incident... and then shocking you by getting mad all over again and blocking you. You dodged a bullet here. Take care

[TurntSloth]

Thanks all, these replies are all really reassuring and I'm feeling better about the whole thing in a weird way.

 

I guess the road to moving on starts here... Good riddance :/

[TurntSloth]

Well, you're not in the wrong in some aspects. But you only dated the girl for a few months, were you exclusive? You didn't mention that you were. In that case, she was free to date anybody else she wanted to.

 

We weren't exclusive and while I do agree with this on paper, I think her actions leading up to the last week make this a morally awful thing to do.

 

You weren't to know this as I haven't detailed our whole relationship in my OP, but we've known each other nearly a year now, and after a lot of messy stuff we started unofficially dating again back at the beginning of Feb.

 

We've done something on a weekly basis on average since then, but tt's only in the last couple of weeks that things really ramped up between us and I began seeing her about 3 days a week - all at her request.

 

A while back we had a chat and she told me that she wasn't sure about a relationship, so I took a step back, stopped asking her out and pretty much cut my losses. Her response was to become even more full on with me so I assumed she'd thought about it some more and was keen. I was wary of asking her out at this point, so I completely let her take the lead and she ran with it. Every time we met up, we slept together, she suggested a holiday, left clothes at mine or wanted to meet my parents and friends etc... it was all initiated by her.

 

Yes we weren't exclusive but like I said, her actions were showing a serious level of intent with me and I took these as positive signs that she had changed her mind about a relationship.

 

She hadn't mentioned dating other people at any point and the thing that gets me here is that she hid the fact that she was doing it from me after avoiding me all week. I had even asked her if she wanted to do something on that Friday night but she turned me down to go to 'work drinks'. Her date was literally 5 days after she met my family and stayed over at my place.

 

If she had been clear that she was interested in dating other people in the first place instead of lying about wanting to remain single and simultaneously spending a lot of time with me, I would see things very differently and probably wouldn't have let her suck me in to begin with :|

[Blank State]

We weren't exclusive and while I do agree with this on paper, I think her actions leading up to the last week make this a morally awful thing to do.

 

You weren't to know this as I haven't detailed our whole relationship in my OP, but we've known each other nearly a year now, and after a lot of messy stuff we started unofficially dating again back at the beginning of Feb.

 

We've done something on a weekly basis on average since then, but tt's only in the last couple of weeks that things really ramped up between us and I began seeing her about 3 days a week - all at her request.

 

A while back we had a chat and she told me that she wasn't sure about a relationship, so I took a step back, stopped asking her out and pretty much cut my losses. Her response was to become even more full on with me so I assumed she'd thought about it some more and was keen. I was wary of asking her out at this point, so I completely let her take the lead and she ran with it. Every time we met up, we slept together, she suggested a holiday, left clothes at mine or wanted to meet my parents and friends etc... it was all initiated by her.

 

Yes we weren't exclusive but like I said, her actions were showing a serious level of intent with me and I took these as positive signs that she had changed her mind about a relationship.

 

She hadn't mentioned dating other people at any point and the thing that gets me here is that she hid the fact that she was doing it from me after avoiding me all week. I had even asked her if she wanted to do something on that Friday night but she turned me down to go to 'work drinks'. Her date was literally 5 days after she met my family and stayed over at my place.

 

If she had been clear that she was interested in dating other people in the first place instead of lying about wanting to remain single and simultaneously spending a lot of time with me, I would see things very differently and probably wouldn't have let her suck me in to begin with :|

Well, this kind of changes things a little bit. If you weren't exclusive, did she do anything wrong?

 

I mean, if someone isn't interested in dating other people, then they would just be exclusive. And going out on a date with someone doesn't mean that the person doesn't want to be single. This is where the double standard comes in. It's acceptable for guys to date and play and be single, but when girls do it people turn their noses up. It sounds to me like her language was clear to you. She was not sure about a relationship. She liked hanging out with you though. Wanting to meet someone's parents doesn't necessarily mean they're committing to you more. I think you're looking to justify your reasoning for being hurt. Which is understandable.

 

But here's where "Playing hard to get" can backfire. You said you took a step back. Stopped asking her out. Cut your losses. She probably took this as you being okay with things being casual. Especially since you let her take the lead. "It was all initiated by her". What if she liked having sex with you? Would it be so horrible for someone to want to have sex with someone when they hung out? Again, it seems like it's okay for guys to be casual about sex, but not girls.

 

Now your intent may have been innocent enough, but it's a little bit of a game if you hide your intent. You were really into this girl, so you backed off even though you didn't want to and waited for her to make her moves. And so you sent her a message that you didn't really want to send to her. When she would initiate back with you, you should have been a little more up front and said that you wanted a relationship and if it were just going to be casual between you two, it would be too hard on you. Which it is. When you're into someone more than they are into you, it hurts. So I think you just kept hanging out with her because it was your way of still hanging on to it. You read into her actions and not her words. And I think that's where you went wrong. She seemed like she was clear with you. She wasn't sure about a relationship. If someone does want a relationship, they are sure about it.

 

And that goes into her meeting someone else. While I agree that she should have been honest with you about breaking your dates, you two were not boyfriend/girlfriend. And both of you admitted that. Looking back, when that instinct came to you that something was up, you should have asked. Going on to her friends instagram was borderline in my opinion. And it definitely looks bad to her. You were checking up on her. So I think you both did some things wrong, and you both could have been more honest with each other. But I wouldn't be too quick to vilify her.

[TurntSloth]

Well, this kind of changes things a little bit. If you weren't exclusive, did she do anything wrong?

 

I mean, if someone isn't interested in dating other people, then they would just be exclusive. And going out on a date with someone doesn't mean that the person doesn't want to be single. This is where the double standard comes in. It's acceptable for guys to date and play and be single, but when girls do it people turn their noses up. It sounds to me like her language was clear to you. She was not sure about a relationship. She liked hanging out with you though. Wanting to meet someone's parents doesn't necessarily mean they're committing to you more. I think you're looking to justify your reasoning for being hurt. Which is understandable.

 

But here's where "Playing hard to get" can backfire. You said you took a step back. Stopped asking her out. Cut your losses. She probably took this as you being okay with things being casual. Especially since you let her take the lead. "It was all initiated by her". What if she liked having sex with you? Would it be so horrible for someone to want to have sex with someone when they hung out? Again, it seems like it's okay for guys to be casual about sex, but not girls.

 

Now your intent may have been innocent enough, but it's a little bit of a game if you hide your intent. You were really into this girl, so you backed off even though you didn't want to and waited for her to make her moves. And so you sent her a message that you didn't really want to send to her. When she would initiate back with you, you should have been a little more up front and said that you wanted a relationship and if it were just going to be casual between you two, it would be too hard on you. Which it is. When you're into someone more than they are into you, it hurts. So I think you just kept hanging out with her because it was your way of still hanging on to it. You read into her actions and not her words. And I think that's where you went wrong. She seemed like she was clear with you. She wasn't sure about a relationship. If someone does want a relationship, they are sure about it.

 

And that goes into her meeting someone else. While I agree that she should have been honest with you about breaking your dates, you two were not boyfriend/girlfriend. And both of you admitted that. Looking back, when that instinct came to you that something was up, you should have asked. Going on to her friends instagram was borderline in my opinion. And it definitely looks bad to her. You were checking up on her. So I think you both did some things wrong, and you both could have been more honest with each other. But I wouldn't be too quick to vilify her.

 

 

Fair enough, this is why it always helps to have another perspective.

 

I'm not exactly mad she dated someone else as a standalone thing, I accept we weren't exclusive and that it was a possibility. The thing that hurt me were her actions and deceit around dating this other person.

 

I knew that if I happened to meet someone and we still weren't official, I'd have told her straight up and had a serious discussion about and where we were going. I expected the same in return is all.

 

 

This has given me a lot to think about - I think I needed to stop seeing her a long time ago all things considered, but oh well, it is what it is now.