Bummed about family and friends

[Enigmatical]

This week I have taken time off work to go visit my family and friends in the midwest where I'm from, and I can't help but feel disappointed by my trip here so far.

I'm staying at my best friend's house, and I'm just kind of realizing that she's wasting her life away. I have always thought of her as a smart, beautiful, and potentially successful woman, but the way she lives now is bumming me out. She spent 10 years in college, finally got an HR degree 2 years ago and hasn't found a job. She's working part time at walmart and she gets harassed there by customers a lot. She racked up 80k in debt while in school and has filed bankruptcy twice, and she's only 33. Meanwhile, she's got a boyfriend who is 41, divorced, with two kids and isn't too interested in marriage or babies anymore but my friend is interested in those things very much and trying to change his mind. She asked my honest opinion and I told her that he seems jaded and isn't likely to change is mind, and she told me she's going to try anyway. Also, she lives here by herself and has four dogs that aren't getting the attention they need. Her dad is concerned for her like I am, but her mom is wealthy and basically still supports my friend financially a lot. I just thought she would be doing better in life than what she is. So far all she wants to do is just sit around the house because she say she never has money or time to do anything.

 

 

Same thing for my sister who I went to visit today. She is 28 and her and her boyfriend live with his mom. They all three share one car and their house is pretty dirty. My sister complains about how much they struggle financially and with reliable transportation, but then I always see them spending money going on trips to their comic conventions. They just came back from Chicago for that C2E2 or whatever it is. I keep trying to tell her they need to get their priorities in order but whenever I do, they act like I'm an evil dictator trying to boss them around.

 

I'm just sad to see the people I care about not living up to their full potential. I mean it has actually made me cry today. I'm not perfect in my life, but I am stable enough to have moved away and I support myself and am doing fine.

 

I feel like I should do something to help, but I don't know what to do other than give them money, but I feel like they wouldn't use it wisely.

 

Is this feeling of mine normal? Or am I just caring too much or overthinking?

[SomedaySoon]

I think it's a sign of wisdom and compassion honestly. You want the best for your friends and family and there's nothing wrong with that. I think we all have friends that we wish behaved differently, and maybe they feel the same way about us. And btw, you are right. You should not give them any money at all.

[abitbroken]

You know what? Its their life and that is how they choose to live it.

 

The worst thing to do is to tell people "how to get their priorities in order". That is bossy and comes across as judgemental. Your sister does have her priorities in order. She wants to go to comic-cons and live with her boyfriend and his mom. They are not the same priorities as yours. Maybe she is fishing when she says she is financially struggling - to hope that you will give her money. Don't approach the subject. If she sees that you are getting a car and a place of your own, maybe she'll ask you how you did it. you can share - but for now - it seems that she wants this life.

 

 

 

Your friend is in love and might be working at walmart part time so she is available for his kids or for him. If she has an HR degree - walmart is good about promoting from within - she *could* apply for an HR job even if it took her out of her town, but she doesn't want that. She wants to wait for this guy. And there is nothing you can do about it. If she says "she is going to try and change his mind", you can say "i love you and will support you no matter what, but there are guys that just don't want to marry. You are so worth it and him not wanting to marry is something he decided long ago. It doesn't mean you are not good enough, smart enough or beautiful enough. I''ll be here for you on whatever you decide". Maybe inviting her to your town for a weekend might give her some fresh air. Not with the intent of breaking them up, but just "come for a visit someday "

 

honestly, i pushed back when my family said "i could do so much better" than my ex. That approach will get you nowhere fast.

[Starlight925]

It's not your place, nor your concern, that they're choosing to live this way.

 

To say they're not living to "their full potential" has a sound of arrogance to it. What you want for your life has nothing to do with what they want for theirs.

 

So your friend wants to work at Walmart and date this guy? So what? Who are you to judge?

[Enigmatical]

I guess it's just disheartening to hear them complain. Ultimately, yes this is the life they choose, but they both have an attitude of victim hood, as if it's not the life they wants but it's always "I can't" with them. Deep down, I feel like they both don't want the life they are living, but they want opportunity to fall in their laps. It's not going to happen. I took a risk and moved to a larger city away from the rural area they are all in because I knew I had to in order to achieve my goals. I hated moving away from friends and family but it was a key factor in my personal growth.

 

I guess there's not much I can do besides give advice when they ask. Otherwise, maybe I can just be an example.

[Seraphim]

I would not say someone is jaded because they don’t want to raise second family in their 40’s. Kids take about 300,000 to raise EACH. Who wants to pay for their retirement AND college at the same time ? Not to mention the energy needed to raise these kids.

[melancholy123]

Dont comment on how any of them live their lives, their reaction is not going to be positive and what you hoped for. Keep your thoughts to yourself. They are going to do what they think works for themselves, and it's not your place to comment on any of it. Of course it's sad, but it's their lives. Maybe dont go back there again to visit. Dont offer anyone any money either.

[DanZee]

You're right about your sister. You don't go to Comic Con and complain about money. Don't give her any money. For your friend, she should be sending resumes to every large company in her area that has HR departments, and she should send them resumes every 6 months. A lot of jobs aren't advertised. My brother and I did this and he got job offers from companies that began with a B and a C, and I got a job from a company that began with an A. So sometimes, you get lucky early. There is no reason to be working at WalMart except for a part-time or weekend job.

[luminousone]

It is hard to see people you love and care for go through difficult times. It is even harder when you think you have the solution to their life difficulties.

 

But- you are visiting them, not going there to rescue them. You should only give advice if they ask for it. You could be a great empathetic listener, however. You can then ask them what they plan to do next, if anything. Then be a supportive friend/sister and wish them well with their decisions - and mean it.

 

These are grown women. They may choose a different path than you would, but they have to live their lives and learn their own lessons if need be.

[abitbroken]

You're right about your sister. You don't go to Comic Con and complain about money. Don't give her any money. For your friend, she should be sending resumes to every large company in her area that has HR departments, and she should send them resumes every 6 months. A lot of jobs aren't advertised. My brother and I did this and he got job offers from companies that began with a B and a C, and I got a job from a company that began with an A. So sometimes, you get lucky early. There is no reason to be working at WalMart except for a part-time or weekend job.

 

Well - here's the thing -- when someone is stuck on a guy - they are going to revolve around that guy (or gal). She is not moving forward because she is waiting for him. If they live in a very tiny rural area, sometimes its work on a farm, work at an assisted living place, your own business venture the gas station or work at Walmart. I can't really judge that working at Walmart is not the way to go at face value because of that reason. When the guy kicks her to the curb (if he ever does), then she will figure to do something different.

[Wiseman2]

Next time stay at a motel or bnb rather than impose on these "impoverished losers". They can live out their lives as they see fit. You need to butt out, because actually they are right.

I'm staying at my best friend's house I keep trying to tell her they need to get their priorities in order but whenever I do, they act like I'm an evil dictator trying to boss them around.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. Giving unsolicited advice is the quickest way to generate resentment and is not helpful. I'd call an animal organization about the friends' neglect of her pets, but that's as far as I'd go in attempting to impose changes on the people I care about. I'd cut the trip short if it's too much of a bummer, or otherwise move to a hotel or B&B, but I'd keep my mouth quiet about how anyone else chooses to live.

 

Head high.

[DancingFool]

Sounds like you've simply outgrown these people and seeing that is coming across as quite a shock to the system.

 

All I can say is don't pay attention to them complaining, look at their actions because that will tell you where their true priorities are at.

 

Your friend is working at Walmart because she isn't willing to leave this town. She may tell you she wants her own children, but she keeps staying with a man who wont' give her what she wants, so she wants the relationship with him more than she wants children. You need to accept those choices. She is acting of her own free will and she can change any time she wants. She is doing what she wants at this time and you shouldn't judge her for that.

 

Your sister may complain about being broke, but is perfectly capable of saving up money to go to comic cons because that's what matters to her. Having money as such, doesn't.

You need to accept that she is also making the choices that please her and keep away from telling her to live differently. Love her as your sister and don't judge the choices she makes. It's her life to live and she gets to choose how, no matter how much you don't get it. You don't need to understand her choices, you need to accept them.

 

As others already said, you simply do not get to judge or impose your values and views on these people. Love and respect them for who they actually are or distance yourself from them if you can't. There is no middle ground and you've already been told off when you tried to help and give advice. Your help and advice aren't wanted because they are already living their own lives doing what they want and how.

[Enigmatical]

Next time stay at a motel or bnb rather than impose on these "impoverished losers". They can live out their lives as they see fit. You need to butt out, because actually they are right.

 

My feelings don't come from a place of superiority, and I definitely don't think of them as losers - not sure why you came up with that term.

All I want for them is to live a good life like I know they could and to be happy. But yes, they need to live their lives as they see fit. They aren't my responsibility.

 

Thanks everyone for the advice.

[abitbroken]

My feelings don't come from a place of superiority, and I definitely don't think of them as losers - not sure why you came up with that term.

All I want for them is to live a good life like I know they could and to be happy. But yes, they need to live their lives as they see fit. They aren't my responsibility.

 

Thanks everyone for the advice.

 

Maybe its more about being a troubleshooter.

 

"i am unhappy/i don't have money/my man won't marry me"

 

you: what makes you happy? why not get a job? why not find a man that wants to marry?

 

Maybe you are a natural fixer/carer and its hard to disconnect from that.

[Batya33]

My heart goes out to you. Giving unsolicited advice is the quickest way to generate resentment and is not helpful. I'd call an animal organization about the friends' neglect of her pets, but that's as far as I'd go in attempting to impose changes on the people I care about. I'd cut the trip short if it's too much of a bummer, or otherwise move to a hotel or B&B, but I'd keep my mouth quiet about how anyone else chooses to live.

 

Head high.

 

I agree with this. If one complains ask first "do you want my input -I totally understand if you just want to vent". And leave it at that-leave the door open in case they want your input. And keep your opinions to yourself. An example -one of my relatives went through a phase of dating bad boys/sleeping around. The bad boy was then in trouble - white collar crime I think. So she asked me my advice pointedly but in reality I see now she just wanted someone to tell her that the judge was wrong and he'd done no wrong etc. And I agreed with the judge. And told her so. She was mad at me. So even when people pointedly ask for "advice" you might find that in reality they just wanted validation. Tough situation at times.

[catfeeder]

So she asked me my advice pointedly but in reality I see now she just wanted someone to tell her that the judge was wrong and he'd done no wrong etc. And I agreed with the judge. And told her so. She was mad at me. So even when people pointedly ask for "advice" you might find that in reality they just wanted validation. Tough situation at times.

 

Yup. Often when people ask for 'advice' it's not what they really want, at all. They want to hear, "You are so right, and they are so wrong...", and if you deviate from that, you're disloyal. So weighing what someone wants versus what's in their best interests can mean navigating with them through questions instead of your 'right' answers. "Well, since we can't change outcomes, do you think it's more helpful to view BF as victimized or to accept the verdict and figure out what you'll want to do from here?"

 

All I want for them is to live a good life like I know they could and to be happy. But yes, they need to live their lives as they see fit. They aren't my responsibility.

 

Our responsibility toward loved ones is to consider whether our relationship is more important to them in any given moment than alienation. In extreme cases, it's not, such as finding them about to harm themselves or someone else. What they think of our loyalty at that moment goes out the window in favor of seeking external help. But with day-to-day choices that we would make differently, we are responsible for being respectful to another's process of learning.

 

If we say something, we demonstrate that WE know it. That's not helpful, it's annoying. But if we can ask neutral questions that allow a loved one to work things out, then THEY are the ones telling themselves their own answers. Those are the answers they are more likely to 'hear' and live out.

 

Sure, there are times when people say, "I know that I 'should' do [something else,] but I can't do that, so I do this instead..." That's an opportunity to ask, "Why do you think you can't do [the other]?" And regardless of the barrier they raise, we can ask, "Oh, I see. Is there a way that can I help you with that?"

 

Whenever questions dead-end, just let them go with an open offer to listen if they come up with a way that you can help. If their answer is something you don't want to do, such as give them money, you can express your limits and offer them alternatives. "Well, I can't offer you money, but I can take you over to [a doctor, a clinic, a social services office, the landlord] and stay with you while we find out [options]..."

 

We don't need to reject people outright because they don't manage their lives the way we'd wish, and that doesn't position us to accept the extremes of becoming the Bank of ME. We can ask questions that lead them to their own answers, or we can listen to complaints and allow our silence to put them into a space of hearing themselves while we do NOT offer noises of sympathy and agreement.

 

There are lots of options, and they don't always feel 'good,' but neither does listening to ourselves lecture deaf and resentful ears. Sometimes the best option is to offer a blanket statement of help 'IF' they can think something through rationally to come up with solutions.

 

Head high, and your peeps are lucky to have you in their lives.