Girls' advice needed

[BobbyJones]

I'm a 40 year old guy and I'm curious to know why females find me so repulsive. I'm kind, thoughtful, love making others feel special and valued and always put their needs first. A little shy but goid sense of humour. Yet girls have only ever wanted anything to do with me if they want to use me. This isn't meant to sound like some sob story, but every day my blood boils more and more when I hear about domestic violence, men being jerks, bad break-ups, guys who cheat on their partners, etc. I wouldn't dream of doing any of that yet here I am at this age, never having had a proper girlfriend (who hasn't wanted to use me in one way or another). I'm not much to look at and am short, but that's not supposed to matter is it? Hell I can't even get girls who I think are nice and would get on with me to be my damn *friend*, let alone boyfriend. It's like I'm destined to just be dead to the opposite sex. I don't have a hygiene problem that I'm aware of, and aside from the looks issue, I'd say my only other downfall is I'm not well-off (thanks to being trusting and kind in a past relationship when she was out to find a loser to milk). I don't want sympathy or anything of the sort, just curious what trick I've been missing for the last 25 years! Thank you for reading :-)

[Josl]

To sum up what I read: you're nice, but not attractive, and poor. It also sounds like you have little confidence (hence why people can take advantage of you), which is typically a turnoff. And niceness alone is not what gets people to fall in love with you, it is just a basic, the additional good qualities (self-confidence, interesting life, etc.) is what gets them going for you.

 

Stop putting everyone before you, but remain considerate of others. Your happiness is worth the same as others. Increase your confidence, whether that be by improving your looks (e.g. working out, new clothes), and improve your financial situation or do anything else you can be proud of. Try to be the best person you can be (and I don't mean let people use you), and be someone women might want to be with. Also, check the women you're going for? Maybe you're shooting too high and disregard some not that hot ones.

[SweetGirl28]

It's really hard to say without being around you , but low confidence is a major turn off.

Your height and looks are most likely not what the issues are. It's more about how you are projecting yourself.

If you are a downer, complain a lot, see the glass as half empty, no one will want to hang out. We like fun, flirty, good energy, and happiness in general. We all want to surround ourselves with people who make us feel good.

 

Try a different class of women. Maybe older than you.

[purplepaisley]

At 40 years old with several relationships, even if short-lived, you have to have had some clue at what's failing. I can't imagine not one single woman in your lifetime of dating hasn't spelled it out for you, very clearly, the very reason why they are leaving the relationship.

 

Have you even asked?

 

I can't imagine, in your 20-some years of dating, that friends and family, as you discuss your dating woes with them, have not pointed out issues or given you pointers.

 

I don't know if you seek gold-diggers who are pretty with the boobs, and they say all the right things, and you get sucked in, or if you're just a jerk and women walk out fast...it's great for that first two-three months, and then the "real you" comes out in all its glory and these women run for the hills at that point.

 

You are very clearly bitter and jaded and angry, and that attitude is exhibited, though possibly subtly and subconsciously, and women will steer clear of an angry and damaged man...walls up...no go...they move on.

 

You state you have been bled dry from women, and women find you repulsive. You're the only common denominator here, and you need to not fork over money, period, and if hygiene is not an issue, is it a matter of grooming facial hair or dressing a little nice once in awhile instead of wearing your old clothes that were great when you were 20? I mean, will a 40-year-old woman be impressed by your Def Leppard sweatshirt that you wear on the first date, or can you wear something business casual nice? What's your game, and what are you doing that you can't find a respectful woman who isn't after something and then dumps and runs?

[Lambert]

maybe you like women that are out of your league.

 

do you pay attention to who is paying attention to you?

 

maybe you just haven't met the right person.

[smackie9]

I read the first line....that's why women won't touch you. To be masculine is to be independent, bold, and confident, and not dependent on being a people pleaser/brown noser. You may think it's being nobel, but others view it as being too eager, weak, no backbone, afraid of criticism, always worried about what others think of you, a doormat. Whatever you are doing now, do the opposite. Don't offer to do anything, help out only when asked, but never go beyond what is asked, limit yourself. Have some ego, and focus on your own needs and wants. To be desirable, is to be less available....You will be surprised how women will view you and how people in general will respect you.

[Jibralta]

What do women use you for?

[thealchemist]

Guy here.

 

Well looks only matter as far as acceptable or not, at least to me. A drop dead gorgeous girl will get as much consideration from me(or less) as a averagely cute one.

 

So unless you are just trying for woman outside of your league then it isn't your looks.

 

You sound like a pushover honestly. Predatorial people will pick up on that and use you to their own ends.

 

You say people take advantage of your kindness...

 

Well only ignorant kindness gets taken advantage of more than once. I attempt to be kind to everyone, until that kindness is taken advantage of.

 

I am extremely kind to my wife, I honestly wait on her hand and foot. A big love language of mine is acts of devotion.

 

I make all the food in our family, I make her drinks/refill all the time. I take care of any labor she needs me to. I work my @ss off for her. That is how I show my love. It isn't trying to suck up or be a brown noser or anything, just the way I am.

 

But me doing all this is not a one way street. She has to reciprocate my love back to me the way she naturally shows love. If she didn't show her love to me in her own way I would have left her a long time ago.

 

You wanting to take care of the woman you are with is fine. You can easily do all those things to show your love and not be a doormat.

 

You just need to be better at evaluating your partner and not continuously doing these things for someone who isn't also putting in the same effort on you.

 

No matter how "great" you are, it doesn't matter, if the other person isn't into the relationship it will fail.

 

To me it sounds as if you are trying "the nice guy" approach, which is always doomed to fail in my opinion.

 

You don't do tasks A, B, and C in a relationship and have outcome X, Y, and Z.

 

Many guys I see think if they can act a certain way then they should get the relationship they want.

 

I am sorry but relationships don't work like a simple algorithm.

 

In future relationship endeavors I would start out much lighter on what you do and slowly work up to more as that person reciprocates what you do.

 

Don't just start out always busting your @ss for the other person and then get annoyed that they expect that and see no reason to reciprocate.

 

Don't work harder in your relationships than your partner. Just find a partner willing to put in a similar effort as you.

[SweetGirl28]

I read the first line....that's why women won't touch you. To be masculine is to be independent, bold, and confident, and not dependent on being a people pleaser/brown noser. You may think it's being nobel, but others view it as being too eager, weak, no backbone, afraid of criticism, always worried about what others think of you, a doormat. Whatever you are doing now, do the opposite. Don't offer to do anything, help out only when asked, but never go beyond what is asked, limit yourself. Have some ego, and focus on your own needs and wants. To be desirable, is to be less available....You will be surprised how women will view you and how people in general will respect you.

 

Listen to this, OP. There's truth in this. Easily available men bending over backwards is so needy and unattractive.

I'd rather a man who gives just the right amount without ass kissing. Me, I attract men because I've got a bit of spunk that they find a challenge , then they find out I'm so very kind hearted and get the shock of their lives lol. But it's all about the initial attraction. Eye contact, body language, working the eyes to say things without laying everything on the line too fast.

Guys that chase too hard, text too much, are too available wreak of desperation. Don't focus on what people think of you. You have to be confident from within and not try so hard. No one is nice 100% of the time. Have a little edge.

[smackie9]

Ya I agree have a little edge. I know it's going to be difficult changing your habits, baby steps, one day at a time. You will get there as long as you put 100% in.

 

Take on the challenge and let us know how it's going. Maybe we can give you some pointers.

[katrina1980]

I read the first line....that's why women won't touch you. To be masculine is to be independent, bold, and confident, and not dependent on being a people pleaser/brown noser. You may think it's being nobel, but others view it as being too eager, weak, no backbone, afraid of criticism, always worried about what others think of you, a doormat. Whatever you are doing now, do the opposite. Don't offer to do anything, help out only when asked, but never go beyond what is asked, limit yourself. Have some ego, and focus on your own needs and wants. To be desirable, is to be less available....You will be surprised how women will view you and how people in general will respect you.

 

^^^This!!!

[katrina1980]

Listen to this, OP. There's truth in this. Easily available men bending over backwards is so needy and unattractive.

I'd rather a man who gives just the right amount without ass kissing. Me, I attract men because I've got a bit of spunk that they find a challenge , then they find out I'm so very kind hearted and get the shock of their lives lol. But it's all about the initial attraction. Eye contact, body language, working the eyes to say things without laying everything on the line too fast.

Guys that chase too hard, text too much, are too available wreak of desperation. Don't focus on what people think of you. You have to be confident from within and not try so hard. No one is nice 100% of the time. Have a little edge.

 

lol @ having a bit of spunk -- I can relate!

 

I think it's the combo of "smartassey" (at times) then discovering a deep, warm-hearted soul lurking within, that draws them.

 

The dichotomy really keeps them challenged and interested! Kinda throws them off too, which personally I think is a good thing!

 

I like being challenged in this way too!

 

OP, may get beat up for saying this but you're too nice. Too much of a "white knight" which is working against you.

 

Cut and paste SweetGirl's and smackie' posts to your fridge and read them every morning so it sinks in!

 

Start experimenting with it, guarantee you will soon notice the difference.

[SweetGirl28]

lol @ having a bit of spunk -- I can relate!

 

I think it's the combo of "smartassey" (at times) then discovering a deep, warm-hearted soul lurking within, that draws them.

 

The dichotomy really keeps them challenged and interested! Kinda throws them off too, which personally I think is a good thing!

 

I like being challenged in this way too!

 

OP, may get beat up for saying this but you're too nice. Too much of a "white knight" which is working against at you.

 

Cut and paste SweetGirl's and smackie' posts to your fridge and read them every morning so it sinks in!

 

Start experimenting with it, guarantee you will soon notice the difference.

 

 

You? Spunky? Well I never would have guessed! Lol yes, yes I would :)

 

I'm told I'm difficult to get with, and I know it's true because I don't want to be viewed as a pushover. I don't really lead with my true inner self, which is so very accepting of people so my kindness can be a flaw. I'm flirty too which can be misread. If I don't keep it in check I'd attract lord knows what lol. So I show my sassy, spunky self but I'm telling you guys really like that bit of confidence and knowing you can be with or without them, and you're okay. Like my last ex when I tease someone it's because I like them a lot. So he'd say " you're so hard on me!!!!" and I'd be like "it's only because I adore you! If I didn't I wouldn't joke with you! " and he'd just laugh. He liked it. I just did again to him a fewcdayscago and he was like "that's okay I keep coming back for more!!!" The people who really truly know me expect it. They know the fun, they now the sarcasm, but they know my love too :)

 

Guys need to remember what attracts them to us is what attracts us to them too. And no one likes a Debbie or a Donald downer :)

[katrina1980]

@SweetGirl, you should have been here last year and year before that -- I've toned my posts down a lot! lol

 

I think you and I may be kindred spirits.

[SweetGirl28]

@SweetGirl, you should have been here last year and year before that -- I've toned my posts down a lot! lol

 

I think you and I may be kindred spirits.

 

Lol! I've seen some tough love here! I'm even guilty of it but at least I'm honest!

"Don't put sugar on s*** " is what my beloved grandma used to tell me :)

 

Have I found another sister from another mister here? I think I found two so far plus a brother from another mother!

 

Go give me some of your spunk on my thread I started lol :)

[katrina1980]

Lol! I've seen some tough love here! I'm even guilty of it but at least I'm honest!

"Don't put sugar on s*** " is what my beloved grandma used to tell me :)

 

Have I found another sister from another mister here? I think I found two so far plus a brother from another mother!

 

Go give me some of your spunk on my thread I started lol :)

 

Haven't seen it, will have to check it out!

 

P.s. Apologies to OP for the hijack!

[Jibralta]

Don't work harder in your relationships than your partner. Just find a partner willing to put in a similar effort as you.

 

BobbyJones, I still have no idea what women are using you for. But my advice is for you to be yourself. If you enjoy helping people, continue to do so. There are billions women on this planet. We don't all want the same thing. Your real mistake is that you waste your efforts on women who don't reciprocate. If you keep your hand in the fire after you get burned, that's on you.

[Coolstorybro]

lol @ having a bit of spunk -- I can relate!

 

I think it's the combo of "smartassey" (at times) then discovering a deep, warm-hearted soul lurking within, that draws them.

 

The dichotomy really keeps them challenged and interested! Kinda throws them off too, which personally I think is a good thing!

 

I like being challenged in this way too!

 

OP, may get beat up for saying this but you're too nice. Too much of a "white knight" which is working against you.

 

Cut and paste SweetGirl's and smackie' posts to your fridge and read them every morning so it sinks in!

 

Start experimenting with it, guarantee you will soon notice the difference.

Sounds awfully like playing mind games.

[SweetGirl28]

Sounds awfully like playing mind games.

 

I can't answer for her, but it's not. Confident men like a bit of sass. They don't want a partner to be their doormat. Always pleasing, always quiet, always composed. Let loose a little, banter, keep your confidence while assuring the guy they have you and you love them and they are where you want to be. It's a balance. Mine and Katrina's sass wouldn't be well matched with a shy un confident guy we would be seen as offensive. So girls like us aren't for everyone, but if you are lucky enough to peel away our layers, you find the most loving caring souls in there.

[Coolstorybro]

I can't answer for her, but it's not. Confident men like a bit of sass. They don't want a partner to be their doormat. Always pleasing, always quiet, always composed. Let loose a little, banter, keep your confidence while assuring the guy they have you and you love them and they are where you want to be. It's a balance. Mine and Katrina's sass wouldn't be well matched with a shy un confident guy we would be seen as offensive. So girls like us aren't for everyone, but if you are lucky enough to peel away our layers, you find the most loving caring souls in there.

Right. So putting on a different exterior?

[SweetGirl28]

Right. So putting on a different exterior?

 

No not at all. It's not like the kindness takes weeks to shine through. It's pretty evident early on and I'll be honest my kindness has been mistaken for weakness so it was about finding the right balance and when to let someone know.

It's not like I'm a b**** ever, I'm not. I'm not disrespectful , not someone will try to shoot a person's confidence down to see how much they will take before giving them a chance. It's kind of hard to explain. You'd have to experience it but like I said it's not something all guys like. Just like all females don't like arrogance or don't like constant showers of affection day and night.

[katrina1980]

Sounds awfully like playing mind games.

 

It's only a mind game when it's not one's natural state of being.

 

When behaving that way is disingenuous.

 

In my case, there are many different facets to my personality, my nature -- one facet is that I am light-hearted, a bit smartassey at times, love to banter and play.

 

Another facet is that I am introspective, self-reflective, deep and sensitive.

 

It's my genuine nature, so no it's not a "mind-game" it's "me."

 

Who I am as a woman, a human being.

[thealchemist]

It's only a mind game when it's not one's natural state of being.

 

When behaving that way is disingenuous.

 

In my case, there are many different facets to my personality, my nature -- one facet is that I am light-hearted, a bit smartassey at times, love to banter and play.

 

Another facet is that I am introspective, self-reflective, deep and sensitive.

 

It's my genuine nature, so no it's not a "mind-game" it's "me."

 

Who I am as a woman, a human being.

For many narcissists it is their natural state of being.

 

That doesn't make it any better.

 

Also, I agree that it is actually a manipulation.

 

Doing that is an effort to get a little rise out of person.

 

I also will say my wife is like that to me and I absolutely love it. That is a very common way that we flirt and joke with each other.

 

A lot of our sex starts with her giving me sass in a playful way and we get carried away.

 

So I think if that is a way you like to interact with a guy then you should be able to however you want. Because the right guy for you will probably love it.

 

I would find a meek woman to be boring. I like a woman who pushes back and is strong willed. So that is a pretty good and innocent manipulation with many people, although some might not like it.

[BobbyJones]

Hi Josl, thank you for your reply. You're right, I do have little confidence. I just find that after years of girls and women wanting nothing to do with me unless they're trying to manipulate me into getting something they want (and I definitely don't mean sex!), it's hard to have any and also hard to be trusting. But I'll keep trying, I don't want to have any regrets. Sadly due to a permanent (though not visible) injury, working out isn't an option, but I can certainly improve my wardrobe and finances as much as possible. Thanks again!

[BobbyJones]

Hi SweetGirl28, thank you for your reply. I'm glad the physical stuff most likely isn't the problem. I do try to be what you describe, but it's often just so "not me" that I either can't pull it off in a sincere way or I can't maintain it. I do ideally want to be with a younger woman, but I do also realise that it might be only an older one who is willing to accept me. It's so hard, I wish all the necessary attributes I seem to need weren't so counter intuitive...why can't being a nice guy just be enough!? Thanks again for your message.