Controlling boyfriend

[Sue96]

I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 36. He just separted from his wife. I am the mistress. We meet at a bar and he didn't tell me until a week or two after that he was married. I broke it off immediately after that but went back to him for some reason. We've been dating for six months. Nothing has changed since he left his wife. I'm still a secret and not saved in his phone. He wanted to take things slow which I said was fine. Now he saying I push him to much and I'm acting like a child. But he wants to control me. He doesn't want me to hang out with my friends at night. He always wants to know where I'm at and to call him when I get home. Said I need to be home by 9 bc my roads have a lot of deer and he doesn't want me to get in a wreck. He made me stop hanging out with my guy friend who is gay bc he said he still has a . I found him snooping in my phone but he gets mad when i ask to look at his.And he told me before if he ever left his wife it was for him not me and now he says I did everything for you trying to make me feel bad. He never wants to talk about how I feel always blows me off . I feel like I'm losing my mind some days.

[DanZee]

Well, you feel like you're losing your mind because this is a textbook example of being emotionally abused. The main signs are accusing someone of cheating even though they're not, trying to isolate someone away from friends and family, and trying to control and manipulate someone with the intention of making them submissive to his demands. What usually happens is you get to the point where you won't question what he's doing or where he's been because it will start a big argument, and he will start cheating on you, which he's already done in a way. That's also why he's keeping you a secret, because he's cheating or preparing to cheat on you.

 

Look, you're young so you might not have seen this type of behavior before, but this guy is angry, abusive and not to be trusted. You're only going to get hurt. You should end it now before you become emotionally dependent on him. And don't be fooled if he begs and pleads and cajoles you into staying. This guy will not change and you will soon be worse off than before. Find someone who is young and fun to date. Don't meet bitter, middle-aged guys at bars.

[MissCanuck]

This man is horrible, OP.

 

This is emotional abuse, as DanZee pointed out. It will likely get much, much worse if you stay. You don't even know the half of what you've gotten yourself involved in here. Please, stay away from him. He is not a good person.

[Seraphim]

Since he was so “honourable “to his wife I wouldn’t expect better treatment. Tell him to hit the road and never come back.

[Wiseman2]

Do you work, go to college? Do you live with your parents? It sounds like you are in this because it makes you feel grown up.

I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 36. I am the mistress. We meet at a bar.

[Sue96]

He is from Africa so I thought maybe this was the social norm and to give him a chance.

[Wiseman2]

What? You think people not from where you are from are "culturally" cheaters and abusers? It sounds like you are too naive to date.

He is from Africa so I thought maybe this was the social norm and to give him a chance.

[purplepaisley]

Thieves suspect people are trying to steal from them, liars think everyone is lying to them, and guess what?

 

Cheaters suspect their partners are cheating.

 

He is keeping you under his thumb because he thinks you're going to cheat on him or he's accused you of doing so already.

 

He's also abusive. There's a reason he landed himself with a divorce. How much do you want to bet this is why?

 

He wants to control your every move, isolate you from your support system, keep you under lock and key, and any time you get into an argument, he will toss this back on you, and make it your fault, and you feel like you're losing your mind because he is a master manipulator who is gaslighting you, and none of it makes sense. Trust me, this is going to get much, much worse in time, to the point he might start getting physical, especially when you start calling him out on his behavior...it won't go over well.

 

You need to walk away from this relationship. This is not a healthy relationship and he's going to break you. You are so much better than this.

 

And he will cheat on you, just like he did with his wife, and probably with the woman before that and before that, and when you find out about it, he'll find a way to make it your fault.

 

You're 21 years old and this relationship is going to kill your future dating life and ability to trust and find a spouse if you don't extract yourself ASAP.

 

"Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." Lundy Bancroft. Buy it, read it.

 

If you're living with him, you need to make some calls, move in with your parents or a friend...pack up and move out when he's at work...you need to extract yourself from this, pronto.

[melancholy123]

Wake up and smell the coffee. This guy is a married control freak who is trying to run your life for you. Surely you can do better than this guy. He's not partner material. He cheats on his wife, he will cheat on you. You are there for sex and that's it. Tell him to hit the road then block and delete him from contacting you. You deserve better.

[Hollyj]

He is not your bf, as he is married.

 

I don't really understand why you have stuck around for any of this? That is on you. You know that he is a cheat, liar, controlling, manipulative creep, but you're there. What does that say about your choices?

 

If you enjoy being a secret and disrespected, then stick around.

[Snny]

At 21 I’d be at bars with my friends until 3-4 am. No way in hell would I be caught dead dating a guy who tries putting a curfew on me. We’d be over.

[katrina1980]

Wondering what's so appealing about this control freak that makes you stick around?

 

Surely he must have some redeeming qualities, otherwise why stay?

 

What are they, I'd really like to know.

 

Please don't say it's cause you 'love" him, not good enough.

 

He is mentally/emotionally abusing you, if he physically abused you (say he threw acid in your face which has happened to some women), would you still stay?

 

Physical abuse often if not always begins with controlling behavior like this.

 

Do some research, google it.

[GoodGumbo]

Sue96 - As Danzee said, he is hiding you because he doesn't want the other girls (that is not a typo, i mean plural girls) that he is dating to know about you. I imagine he either has another girl friend lined up already, is trying to work it out with wife and he has another person he is having sex with like you! These type of people do exist and they are so good at hiding and lying that someone could have told you exactly what he was up to and you still wouldn't believe it! It will be very difficult to walk away but you need to not walk, but run away and protect yourself. You will end up deeper and deeper in the relationship of his cloud of deceptions and half truths until you will be unable to recognize yourself and will suffer great damage to your self esteem and your mental health. I myself am trying to break out of a two year relationship with someone very much like this and I am staying strong and sticking by my self. It is hard and humiliating because even though I know him for the person he is, he had two years to study me and he knows what gets to me. Don't give this give this guy anymore access to you as he will use all knowledge to manipulate you. Just leave and good luck.. Do this for you and thank your lucky stars you have only invested 6 months with this creature.