GoodGumbo

Did I not make you feel loved? I know you had to feel it.

Last night was so hard. Your choice showed up to hang with our group even though you were at work! What a treat for me. I got to listen to her talk about you with your friend!! That was so painful! She doesn't like me and was rude to me.. She was also texting (you) the whole time. I want to let you go with love but I kind of hate you for putting me in the position of having to sit with your new girl before we were even over. So I have no time to adjust to us being finished before I adjust to you being with someone else!! So much pain.. I will just try to be thankful I only have to get through this and then I'll be okay..

It makes me sad when I realise I doubted myself so much with you. I gave you unearned trust and even told you that I wouldn't question you again once you told me something. And I didn't, until I could no longer ignore that you were a liar. I questioned myself but gave you undeserved reverence! Very sad. I wanted a dream and asked nothing of you in return except to let me lavish you with warmth and affection. And, I asked for a basic level of respect. Jeez, how was I to know that would be a deal breaker with you. Basic respect.

Yesterday was a bad day as I was very sad. I hope today is better!

I'm sorry sad again. You texted me today for a specific need.. I answered politely and normally. But it gutted me.

I was in that dark place this morning. The pain hurt so bad in my chest. It was a relief when the tears finally came, but the dark was so bad I couldn't release them for a while. I am getting angry when I think of not only me but the other women who are being torn apart by you. Your ex who tried to kill herself and you are still messing her over, your sweet poor fwb (ex-fwb as you claim but we both know not really.) And, the new little one. So young to learn such a lesson. Not young I guess, but still naive. They don't have the knowledge i have or fortitude and i feel for them and it makes me hate you for their sake. It also makes me want to lash out at you in an ugly way. I know what each person does and allows is their own responsibility but I can't help but think you know you are hurting these girls. And, the way you lied to me is the way you lie to them. I just finally accepted the truth and cut out your lies and saw everything for what it was.. I will begin praying for their eye opening. I want to tell you how bad of a person that makes you in spite of you saying you never want to hurt someone and that you know you are a screwed up person. Well, take responsibility and stop the lying. Give everyone a chance to take it or leave it. The duplicity is what is killing them, and me. Believe me, there are plenty of people who have such low regard for themselves that they will continue with you and allow their boundaries to be redefined - and you would do that to them the same way you were trying with me. But, the point is you don't care. I know you think you are a good person because you can cry when you think of hurting someone but at the same time you hurt people over and over and over again for your benefit. I want to tell you this so badly but I know it wouldn't do any good. You say you are a good person but your actions are always telling the truth when you mouth is running.

I will get through this. I will come through to the other side! There will be a beautifully bright and yellow sun shining on me again!!!

You called today. I agreed to meet you which I knew that there was no reason but I did need to tell you something private in person. I still should've never gone to meet you. You just wanted to try one more time for me to relinquish my boundaries with you. I don't understand it and it broke my heart. I knew I should not of met you but I did I don't regret it because it was sweet and it gave me closure and I understood then that you would not back down and neither would I and the sad part about it is I don't know if it was our egos that drove us or if it was a definitive need. All I know is you chose this other person over me. It was a public place. I'm glad I insisted on that.....

I am in a lot of pain today. I keep thinking - i have been in a lot of pain ever since we began our relationship. This relationship's bond is founded in pain. The highs and the lows are addictive. The good thing, I realize i have to go through some more pain to get out of it for good. After this stretch of pain i will go through, i will come out on the other side with no more pain... no more uncertainty and no more feeling like I'm not enough.

Im sorry you are in pain, i see you.

Csharpminor... I'm now think "you are an amazing woman" is man speak for, "I can't love you".

I always treated you with love and kindness. I hope I always will. I feel myself getting angry and try to allow it but I will not allow myself to hate you. I knew what you were from the beginning but I thought we could help each other. I thought I could love you and make you better and I did. We were perfect because I needed to give and you needed...and needed and still need. I am not enough for you but I don't think anyone is right now. I wish I would have met you at a time when you still loved women and didn't hate us or yourself so much. However, we wouldn't have been the same people. Your damage is your appeal. You attract women that need to nourish something and love it back to health. I'm glad I never really revealed why I fell for you, every time I revealed a truth to you, it was used to hurt me. I can't believe how much you need to hurt people. As many times as I have seen people deliberately hurt another person, child or animal, I still have a hard time believing that people actually do it. I am the insane one. I guess I just can't relate to wanting to hurt someone. That is what I would ask you - Do you really not see the pain you cause? Did you really think I would be okay with you bringing other girls to hang out with us? Did you think it was okay because you asked me ahead of time? But really, did you not understand and really think that when I clearly stated my boundaries and this specific behavior was outside of what I would tolerate, that asking me would some how relieve you of the responsibility to breaking the boundary I set. I am feeling so spent, humiliated and completely disillusioned. I am a pathetic person. I think though that this is a lesson for me not to judge others for being suicidal or allowing abuse. Abuse isn't started out of the blue, it is a slow process and manipulators know that and I am beginning to believe you are a master Machiavellian. Or, you were just a guy out to have fun and I took it seriously and you were so kind you didn't know how to tell me the relationship was over so you kept doing things to break up. But, you always came back and acted like you really wanted the relationship. I don't know what you want- other than that I hang out with you and other girls. I understand now why your ex tried to kill herself. I bought into your tragedy and hated her for trying to do that "to you" and now, I completely understand, completely - Karmic.