Thoughts on being Friends with Exes?

[Lost 73]

What's everyone's opinion on being friends with your ex? My opinion is that if you are in a relationship that is a thin line dealing with your ex. a person you had very intimate contact with and in some instances yes and in others no. For instance I have a ex wife of 14 years, I don't want any part of any contact with her at all. In fact the only exes I have ever talked to afterwards are ones from my youth high school as such. BUT I have a recent Ex that we was together for 4 years. Besides being a couple we really enjoyed doing things together and was always really good friends. We both want to give it a shot at being friends. We put boundaries in place no rehashing the relationship part no throwing things into each others face and no rubbing it in each others face if or when we start dating again. We also have agreed no romantic stuff no matter how lonely we get.

 

This was an issue in our relationship she stayed in contact with her exes but they was always trying to get with her and I felt that was disrespectful to me. and that is why I told her with us none of that. My friends think she collects men as back ups

 

Just want to know what people think of being friends with Exes?

[sputnik123]

No no no no no :)

 

Unless there are kids involved, then be civil.

[DanZee]

In most cases being friends with your exes doesn't work. There's so many deep feelings, both pro and con, that they get in the way of friendships. But if you can put all that aside, it can work. The best case I can think of is Elaine and Jerry on the Seinfeld Show. Their relationship didn't work out, but they became friends. (However they did have sex at least twice during the 9 seasons which shows this kind of friendship can cross the line sometimes). If you can pull it off, great. I think more mature people probably have a better chance.

[Batya33]

I'm all for it depending on the circumstances. One of my exes is married to a man. We're friendly on Facebook. I don't think a bright line rule makes sense at all. I married my ex boyfriend 11 years after we broke up. We weren't friends in the 8 years we were apart - we exchanged a few emails a year for most of that time and most were highly impersonal.

[journeynow]

We put boundaries in place no rehashing the relationship part no throwing things into each others face and no rubbing it in each others face if or when we start dating again. We also have agreed no romantic stuff no matter how lonely we get.

 

Your boundaries are good ones. I think it is important to have firm boundaries, and be careful about expectations of each other. You can use your own feelings as a gauge to how far you have, or have not, healed or for an indication stronger boundaries are needed.

 

I am friends with my ex, it is a very light friendship, we do not live near each other, our contact is sporadic, we have grown kids, and I have a good relationship with my in-laws as well.

[11moreweeks]

You should only consider being friends with her if you find her utterly disgusting and couldn't possibly imagine being with her again even if she changed, but still think she's a decent person to talk to or associate with in a 100% platonic, non-romantic, non-sexual, non-intimate, non-emotionally-supportive way.

 

Otherwise, I think you're just being a backup man.

[SweetGirl28]

I think it's fine if you had a fairly nice relationship when together . It's hard initially, but you do reach the point where you don't really care how much time passes between talking. That's when you know you're over them. If you're not, then it's virtually impossible. You have to treat it as any friendship, where you are no longer their priority, and they are no longer your priority. That includes maybe not hanging out, and maybe weeks will go by with no contact. They aren't your best friend, so never treat it as such, and it's okay. It also involves realizing that once one or both of you enter a relationship, the friendship may fade. I think most have an ulterior motive in staying friends, so everyone needs to be aware if that's the case and decide accordingly.

[Dixi]

I'm friends with most of my exes, the few I'm not friends with were too crazy to have in my life again. I don't see the issue once you've got over the break up and are both clear it's over. I'm not sure if it works if you don't both have time to grieve and rebuild yourselves. Then again I'm old so maybe it's outdated to stay friends now! There sure does seem to be a lot more jealousy and mistrust in relationships since social media.

[sputnik123]

Apologies guys, my response was laced with bitterness.

 

I'm sure it's possible, given the right conditions :)

[thealchemist]

I find it to be a needless complication for my current relationship.

 

If we were together but no longer there really is no point having you my life.

 

I just don't give an ex any value compared to the person I am with currently.

 

I would think that it is possible. But most people I hear/see who maintain some form of relationship with an ex let it interfere with their current relationship.

 

But most is not all.

[kbbcoop77]

The problem is what would your current partner think? Most would have issues with you yakking on the phone or posting on each other’s social media. My thought is ..an ex is an ex. Just cross them off.

[Stacks44]

honestly I don't think I can. There is one ex I called a few months ago just to see how she was doing. We had been broken up for a few years and I heard her father had just passed a couple of months earlier. It was nice to talk to her, and she's a wonderful person, and if we lived closer a friendship might be possible, but she's in a long term relationship and I wouldn't want to put any strain on it with my presence, even though it would be fully platonic.

 

Every other girl I've ever seen would be an easy no to friendship. I either have no urge to speak to them or grew to dislike them as a person.

[Roughpatchsw]

I am friends with several and close friends with a couple. But it took a long break to get there. And comforting their new partners once we became close again. There isn't temptation to get together again with those two because we agree we had our time and it passed, but we had a ton in common so it works. We can call each other on relationship BS too. "Uh no, you did that to me too so in this case I think they are right." It is nice when you have some friends of the opposite sex who will be brutally honest.

 

I have been friends with others who it fell off because one of us started getting feelings again or just drifted apart. I don't feel the need to be friends, but only had one or two truly awful breakups. Most were friendly or sad, but not damaging.

[Starlight925]

We put boundaries in place no rehashing the relationship part no throwing things into each others face and no rubbing it in each others face if or when we start dating again. We also have agreed no romantic stuff no matter how lonely we get.

This was an issue in our relationship she stayed in contact with her exes My friends think she collects men as back ups

 

I don’t think you should remain friends with this ex.

 

Why would you want to be friends with anyone we have to put so many boundaries in place and you have so many known issues?

[Batya33]

I don’t think you should remain friends with this ex.

 

Why would you want to be friends with anyone we have to put so many boundaries in place and you have so many known issues?

 

Yes, I agree! Unless you have children together in which case you just need to be "friendly" I suppose, what is the point

[Carus]

I guess I'll add my 2 cents:

 

If you still have ANY romantic feelings for this ex then staying 'friends' will drive you straight into a straight jacket!

 

It's also the best way for them to wean themselves off you*

 

Carus*

[Jibralta]

In most cases, I remained friends with my exes. Most, if not all of those friendships have faded over time, and I can't even remember the last time I talked to an ex.

 

There are two exceptions that I can think of where I just cut someone out completely. In one case the guy jilted me, and I didn't feel centered enough to balance a friendship with him. In the other case, I suspected the guy was abusive and wanted to fade fast.

 

But for the most part, I prefer to have a friendly relationship with exes. It just feels better to me.

[okayyd084]

I've only recently been in contact with my ex. We haven't seen each other or anything, but I am also curious about expierences other have had from having their experiences in their life

[Batya33]

I've only recently been in contact with my ex. We haven't seen each other or anything, but I am also curious about expierences other have had from having their experiences in their life

 

My experience with one ex was that we got back together and got married! With another we stayed in touch for a few years after we broke up but I kept my distance once he met his future wife. Then 6 months after they got married she emailed me and wanted to meet me. I’d never met or spoken to her. She emailed from my ex’s email account and I assumed she emailed me by accident. She didn’t. We went on a double date where I announced that I was expecting a baby and she announced a major career accomplishment. What a strange meal!

 

With another ex we met up aftern it seeing each other for about five years and he told me he was living with a man. They’ve been together many years and got married. I do keep in touch with a few men I dated for short periods of time and it’s fine.

[itsallgrand]

I don’t think you should remain friends with this ex.

 

Why would you want to be friends with anyone we have to put so many boundaries in place and you have so many known issues?

 

I was thinking this too.

 

I generally prefer not to be friends with exes. Needless complications, as alchemist put it. Friendly - sure. Like if we cross paths, I won't go out of my way to avoid an ex.

 

The only exceptions I can think of I wouldn't really consider exes. Sometimes I'd really get along with someone, try a few dates, quickly realize we are more suited to actual friendship than anything else. Usually these were people I was already familiar with and so friendship was easy to switch back to.

I wouldn't bother if a bunch of boundaries like needing to watch what you say about who you are dating etc had to come into play. If it's a buddy, that shouldn't matter.

[SweetGirl28]

I've only recently been in contact with my ex. We haven't seen each other or anything, but I am also curious about expierences other have had from having their experiences in their life

 

My high school sweetheart and I dated for 6 years and to this day we are good friends. We both married others, had kids, divorced, never lost touch. He's all the way across the US but if I could have relocated I would have been back with him. I still may one day when my daughter is grown, never say never. He comes here and we spend the entire time together but strictly as friends, it's been that way for years. If you truly had a bond, it's never broken, even when broken up. I have every single thing he ever gave me, including his high school sweatshirt I still sleep in lol.

My most recent ex we are in contact but not hanging out. I don't initiate, but I do always reply. It's okay, I had a special place in my heart for him that can't be taken but honestly it is what it is, I expect the slow fade to happen with that one.

My daughters dad can drop off the face of the earth and I'd be okay with it. No friendship there. My other ex committed suicide, and another I see but only if I run into him, we don't contact one another ever. And the other I lost contact with too but if we see one another we stop to chat. Then there's been casual dates here and there short term stuff that don't count as being exe's lol

 

So, basically, my first one true love is the only one I foresee having an eternal friendship with :)

[okayyd084]

My experience with one ex was that we got back together and got married! With another we stayed in touch for a few years after we broke up but I kept my distance once he met his future wife. Then 6 months after they got married she emailed me and wanted to meet me. I’d never met or spoken to her. She emailed from my ex’s email account and I assumed she emailed me by accident. She didn’t. We went on a double date where I announced that I was expecting a baby and she announced a major career accomplishment. What a strange meal!

 

With another ex we met up aftern it seeing each other for about five years and he told me he was living with a man. They’ve been together many years and got married. I do keep in touch with a few men I dated for short periods of time and it’s fine.

Thank you for sharing. That's a sweet story about getting married with an ex. You definitely have interesting stories! I couldn't imagine how awkward a double date like that would be. Your husband must respec you a lot and feel secure to have agreed to participle in that one.

[Batya33]

Thank you for sharing. That's a sweet story about getting married with an ex. You definitely have interesting stories! I couldn't imagine how awkward a double date like that would be. Your husband must respec you a lot and feel secure to have agreed to participle in that one.

 

It was bizarre. I'd never met her, hadn't seen him in 2 years, and my fiancee/boyfriend had never met my ex. They had a lot in common though although my husband actually more enjoyed talking to the woman because of her career. It was completely obvious within 5 minutes that she wanted to meet me to check me out, to make sure that she didn't need to be jealous or worry (she didn't) and that he'd accommodated this (I'd actually emailed him at his work email once she emailed me from his personal account and said 'um I think your wife sent me this in error"). She kissed him in front of me a few times which was kind of silly (especially at sunday brunch lol).

 

I invited her to a meal after, one on one since they insisted on treating. She didn't accept which is fine and she kept me on her email list for a few years. Yes, so unusual but I guess a good result of staying friends with an ex.

[okayyd084]

My high school sweetheart and I dated for 6 years and to this day we are good friends. We both married others, had kids, divorced, never lost touch. He's all the way across the US but if I could have relocated I would have been back with him. I still may one day when my daughter is grown, never say never. He comes here and we spend the entire time together but strictly as friends, it's been that way for years. If you truly had a bond, it's never broken, even when broken up. I have every single thing he ever gave me, including his high school sweatshirt I still sleep in lol.

My most recent ex we are in contact but not hanging out. I don't initiate, but I do always reply. It's okay, I had a special place in my heart for him that can't be taken but honestly it is what it is, I expect the slow fade to happen with that one.

My daughters dad can drop off the face of the earth and I'd be okay with it. No friendship there. My other ex committed suicide, and another I see but only if I run into him, we don't contact one another ever. And the other I lost contact with too but if we see one another we stop to chat. Then there's been casual dates here and there short term stuff that don't count as being exe's lol

 

So, basically, my first one true love is the only one I foresee having an eternal friendship with :)

Thank you, I appreciate you sharing. I hope you and your high school sweetheart get your happy ending. Was it hard at first to treat him/them as just friends? Im having issues in this area because I am aware that I care a lot more about what he does and when he responds, how he responds, etc. So I might've upset over something that I'll acknowledge as something I have no right to be reproachful about, nor should it even upset me. I told him I'm not sure I even can be his friend.. This isn't like we brokeup 2 weeks ago either. It's been 10years. I shouldn't feel this way when I'm fully aware of what the situation is. Yet, I look forward to hearing from him and now I want to see him so I can get a better idea of who he is now. In my mind I still see him as I knew him and I hold the past against him despite my efforts not to. I think it's because I haven't associated him as anything different since the image is the same. I hope that makes sense lol.

Was it awkward to see your ex again after a longtime had passed? I have no personal experience with this (obviously), so I'm looking for others who've been thru this already. I'm sorry about your ex committing suicide. Thats so sad. I can't begin to contemplate how that could affect you. Being that it was someone you had once been close to, intimate with, loved and cared for. When I read that I wanted to ask you more about it, but I feel insensitive and inappropriate doing so, since I don't even know you. I'm glad you shared. :)

[okayyd084]

It was bizarre. I'd never met her, hadn't seen him in 2 years, and my fiancee/boyfriend had never met my ex. They had a lot in common though although my husband actually more enjoyed talking to the woman because of her career. It was completely obvious within 5 minutes that she wanted to meet me to check me out, to make sure that she didn't need to be jealous or worry (she didn't) and that he'd accommodated this (I'd actually emailed him at his work email once she emailed me from his personal account and said 'um I think your wife sent me this in error"). She kissed him in front of me a few times which was kind of silly (especially at sunday brunch lol).

 

I invited her to a meal after, one on one since they insisted on treating. She didn't accept which is fine and she kept me on her email list for a few years. Yes, so unusual but I guess a good result of staying friends with an ex.

Yeah I mean it makes sense. I've seen it before although it's not something I'd do personally. She wanted to meet you, see if you were a threat, and mark her territory lol. I'm guessing her career wasn't in social work. I try to imagine myself in your situation, but I just think of how awkward and fake a conversation would be lol. What made you decide to accept their dinner request if you don't mind me asking?