Does a womans track history change things?

[reinventmyself]

I have a son in his (early) 30's and 2 years is about his max. That and he's put his career first over relationships.

 

But someone made a good point. If it's a man with that type of history would you be asking. . . hmmm

 

It's actually a good thing that she possibly recognized the lack of long term potential and discontinued the relationships.

I see nothing wrong with it. It's a lot of relationships 1 year or less that might be a red flag to me.

[Lost 73]

^^^ Yeah, that would be a huge red flag to me, if a guy just moved out a few weeks ago. I might try to proceed cautiously, but chances are that he's not ready for another serious relationship at this point.

Broke up 6 months ago, stayed in different rooms had to save up

[annie24]

Broke up 6 months ago, stayed in different rooms had to save up

 

doesnt matter. I’d still be concerned..... I dated a guy last year who was in a similar situation. He said things were over with her.... but they still had unfinished business. I don’t know all the details, but he wasn’t ready to move on despite the breakup and living in separate bedrooms.

[sky09]

I And I'm guessing at her age, she may be ready to settle down. So be on your best behavior and I hope she continues to smile on you.

 

Great idea... Not. OP, if this were true, would you be ok with being "settled" on? If you have your life in check, make sure this person is not the type to settle for what you bring to the proverbial table. LG brought up some good points earlier in the thread.

[Batya33]

The gripe I have with your thinking is yes I can "judge" someone according to their behavior, which is either good or bad that's quite clear, I can also know with their goals and preferances (lifestyle, kids, education) if they align with mine or not.

 

But the duration of a relationship doesn't fit in these 2 categories, because you are not alone in a relationship so you don't know who ended it, why they ended it and if there were bad stuff or not, assessing one person in this relationship to be for you, okay

or not okay just by it's timing regardless off these details, is dismissing people on arbitrary reason or facts not all dependant on them ! I'm sorry I just don't find that fair or very smart, I'm not going to make the allready small dating pool for me, even smaller

without hearing what people have to say about that.

 

I agree. And if a man in his 30s never had an LTR he most likely wouldn't have been right for me. If he'd had LTRs that ended that would be different. i had limited time to date in my 30s and I wanted a husband and family so I couldn't meet everyone who i corresponded with on line or met in various other ways.

As far as "fair" -this is dating and it's not really about "fair" -we don't have to choose to date someone because it's "fair" -as far as "smart" that's your judgmental opinion - what's smart for one person as far as screening people out is not smart for another. For me it was smart to screen out smokers, men who weren't educated, and men who'd never had an LTR in their 30s among other things -although I would have been fine being friendly with people with those attributes. Others might screen based on height (I tended to prefer shorter men), how wealthy the person was (basically a non-issue for me), etc.

I think it's fine to not date someone based on an arbitrary reason - because it's dating. The only downside is limiting the dating pool. For example someone might choose not to date someone with the same first name as their ex husband or wife. Arbitrary -sure! I once found it a dealbreaker when I took my date to an awesome ice cream place and he ordered plain vanilla ice cream. I was 20 I think. And yes he was kind of boring lol.

[Capricorn3]

You've just met. You're getting way too far ahead of yourself.

 

From your fawning description it sounds like you're thinking with your little head, not your big head.

 

A person's track record matters. How much is dependant on many things, there is no quick answer. Get to know her better and you'll have more information to make a decision.

 

^ This covers everything I was going to say. Sportster saved me typing it all out.

[Clio]

Your track history is no better than hers imo. Just different. In the long-term, you are as much a liability as she is. Based on your life pattern so far, she risks breaking up down the line, finding herself single at middle age. Or being used as a rebound. Serial monogamists can be major time wasters for women. Not being able to stay single may be due to co-dependency and/or other issues. Judging her like that is calling the kettle black.

[Last Gentleman]

I agree. And if a man in his 30s never had an LTR he most likely wouldn't have been right for me. If he'd had LTRs that ended that would be different. i had limited time to date in my 30s and I wanted a husband and family so I couldn't meet everyone who i corresponded with on line or met in various other ways.

As far as "fair" -this is dating and it's not really about "fair" -we don't have to choose to date someone because it's "fair" -as far as "smart" that's your judgmental opinion - what's smart for one person as far as screening people out is not smart for another. For me it was smart to screen out smokers, men who weren't educated, and men who'd never had an LTR in their 30s among other things -although I would have been fine being friendly with people with those attributes. Others might screen based on height (I tended to prefer shorter men), how wealthy the person was (basically a non-issue for me), etc.

I think it's fine to not date someone based on an arbitrary reason - because it's dating. The only downside is limiting the dating pool. For example someone might choose not to date someone with the same first name as their ex husband or wife. Arbitrary -sure! I once found it a dealbreaker when I took my date to an awesome ice cream place and he ordered plain vanilla ice cream. I was 20 I think. And yes he was kind of boring lol.

 

I said unfair for the simple reason, where I live I hear women complaining all the time saying the good old "where have all the good men gone" and they have such arbitrary requirements for a guy to be dateable. Well then don't complain you're making your dating life more complicated, I you want to narrow with strange criterias.

 

Sorry for going a bit off topic !

[Batya33]

I said unfair for the simple reason, where I live I hear women complaining all the time saying the good old "where have all the good men gone" and they have such arbitrary requirements for a guy to be dateable. Well then don't complain you're making your dating life more complicated, I you want to narrow with strange criterias.

 

Sorry for going a bit off topic !

 

So, sure, I am not a fan of people complaining about being single if they're getting in their own way. I think people should be true to their values and goals and also take the time, at times, to reevaluate those values and goals to make sure they still resonate because it's easy to fall into the running tape of "what I want" when it's really "what I wanted 5 years ago". I don't think a person in his or her 30s looking to get married is being arbitrary to decline to date someone who has never had a long term relationship. That to me with rare exception (and I didn't have that much time for the rare exception -I did all my dating -on purpose -in a major city teeming with singles) would have meant to me that either he didn't care enough about making a long term commitment and having a family even into his 30s or had the sort of social/relationship issues that I wasn't prepared to tackle - just me, not saying generally.

 

If I'd been dating casually or just wanted a long term dating companion and no children I might have put less of an emphasis on that issue.

[katrina1980]

The gripe I have with your thinking is yes I can "judge" someone according to their behavior, which is either good or bad that's quite clear, I can also know with their goals and preferances (lifestyle, kids, education) if they align with mine or not.

 

But the duration of a relationship doesn't fit in these 2 categories, because you are not alone in a relationship so you don't know who ended it, why they ended it and if there were bad stuff or not, assessing one person in this relationship to be for you, okay

or not okay just by it's timing regardless off these details, is dismissing people on arbitrary reason or facts not all dependant on them ! I'm sorry I just don't find that fair or very smart, I'm not going to make the allready small dating pool for me, even smaller

without hearing what people have to say about that.

 

I agree with this.

 

Hell, feeling that connection with someone is so rare anyway, why limit yourself by having all these rigid requirements?

 

That 35 year old man who has never had a LTR but spent the last 15 years in med school (for example) could be a great match and long term partner/husband for any woman!

 

Or a man building his business for many years and wasn't ready to settle into a LTR.

 

Or even a man who struggled with interpersonal issues, but with introspection, self-reflection and hard work, overcame them. Doing so takes a lot of strength and perserversnce which are qualities I happen to admire. Such person could be a great partner.

 

Give people a chance for goodness sakes, you just never know.

 

This isn't directed at anyone in particular, but for those whose goal was marriage but found themselves dating for years and years, and didn't marry until late 30s or 40s, perhaps if that person did not have such rigid requirements, they would have found their life partner way sooner than late 30s or 40s. Just sayin.

 

OP a two year RL *is* a LTR. And as others have said, I would have more regard and respect for someone having the presence of mind and strength to leave a bad RL that was shorter in duration, rather than stay in that bad RL for years and years and suffered.

 

The person who stayed would have way more issues than the person who had the "strength" to leave.

 

Get to know *her*, find out what "she" is about, as a woman, a human being, her character, her goals.

 

Toss the "resume" in the garbage.

[Batya33]

I agree with this.

 

Hell, feeling that connection with someone is so rare anyway, why limit yourself by having all these rigid requirements?

 

That 35 year old man who has never had a LTR but spent the last 15 years in med school (for example) could be a great match and long term partner/husband for any woman!

 

Or a man building his business for many years and wasn't ready to settle into a LTR.

 

Or even a man who struggled with interpersonal issues, but with introspection, self-reflection and hard work, overcame them. Doing so takes a lot of strength and perserversnce which are qualities I happen to admire. Such person could be a great partner.

 

Give people a chance for goodness sakes, you just never know.

 

This isn't directed at anyone in particular, but for those whose goal was marriage but found themselves dating for years and years, and didn't marry until late 30s or 40s, perhaps if that person did not have such rigid requirements, they would have found their life partner way sooner than late 30s or 40s. Just sayin.

 

OP a two year RL *is* a LTR. And as others have said, I would have more regard and respect for someone having the presence of mind and strength to leave a bad RL that was shorter in duration, rather than stay in that bad RL for years and years and suffered.

 

The person who stayed would have way more issues than the person who had the "strength" to leave.

 

Get to know *her*, find out what "she" is about, as a woman, a human being, her character, her goals.

 

Toss the "resume" in the garbage.

 

What is rigid to you isn't rigid to someone else. I focused on my grad school and intense career from age 25-42- and I had chosen that career at age 15 - it was my dream and passion. And since marriage and family were just as important goals I made the choice to make time to reach those goals. I would have been way behind as far as relationship skills had I not had any long term relationships -or put in the effort to have them - before age 35.

 

I wanted someone who believed that marriage and family were as important as career if not more so. My husband focused on his education and intense career from age 23 and on -and he was very very shy and introverted and he knew he wanted marriage and family and made time to work on himself and finding good matches. Obviously there could be an exception - but when it came to finding someone who wanted marriage and family I had to balance the level of risk I was willing to take in taking a chance on someone who'd never had an LTR and was 35 vs. wasting precious time investing in that person.

 

It's not rigid -it's always a choice. And when I did on line dating sites I had criteria like everyone else -age limits, geography, education level, religious background, no drug use, etc - any of those can be described as rigid or have an exception but most of us especially in our 30s have to use our time wisely if we want marriage and family badly. If the person doesn't obviously that person has a lot more time to take those risks. This is dating with a goal of marriage -not making friends or meeting potential friends, etc - time is limited and you have to choose wisely IO.

 

And I do know of exceptions -the woman who married her dance instructor who was 10 years younger (she was 40 and he was 30) but she made him sign a prenup because she made so much more money. The woman who dated a divorced guy with kids who did not want more kids - but she fell in love and posted on Facebook about how her deepest regret would be not to have kids -and ended up marrying him years later. They do not have kids. Another friend met her long term boyfriend on line when she was in her 50s and he was recently divorced. He told her early on -I am not getting married again and do not expect me to change my mind. fast forward 7 years -they live together -she insisted on it after 5 years -and they are not married.

 

So to me, typically the exceptions also involve the person giving up major goals or dreams like marriage or family - to be with someone they took a chance on. That's great for them -all three of those women are happy (I gave the prenup example because a prenup likely would have been a dealbreaker for me) - and I knew from the age of 15 (the same year I chose my future career) that I wanted marriage and family - 100%, and never changed my mind on that nor would I have. So I would have been wasting my time and someone else's who was already 35, had had 15 plus years to date and look for a long term relationship and had either made other priorities in all that time or as I wrote had other significant issues (because they typically are in that situation) why he couldn't be in an LTR.

 

Exceptions -certainly -some people had long illnesses or were homeless, drug addicted, had to care for siblings and parents, etc - had I met someone like that in real life sure I would have listened to the reasons, been open to listening. Interpersonal issues where the person didn't look hard for an LTR or do the work and is now 35 and never had one - that to me would be cause for concern for a person looking for marriage and family in the not too distant future. It would depend on what the issues were, what he did, how badly he now wants marriage/family and whether he now needs meds or intense therapy to maintain which also affects the ability to have a solid marriage and family (having come from a family in that situation which I experienced firsthand although as the child not the spouse)

 

I dated a former drug addict for one month who hadn't had healthy LTRs for all the time he was addicted, and I dated a number of men who were virgins well into their 20s (also unusual and that was fine with me), and had an LTR with a man who at first told me he didn't really see marriage in his future any sooner than age 30 -and we were in our early 20s. He proposed three years later, I said no, he married a man 15 years after that.

 

Be careful about judging other peoples' criteria as "rigid" when it comes to finding a good match. Some are rigid IMO -my single acquaintance who wouldn't date any men with red hair, bad teeth or with a family history of diabetes or similar illnesses, the many women who wouldn't date shorter men, the people who insisted their partners be wealthy, etc. Those to me are rigid but that's just my opinion and not one I impose -unless the person complains about not being able to find a good man. I didn't complain in that way - I vented about how hard dating was at times for a few hours, then moved on and kept my eye on the prize. I agree that the complainers would do well to reevalute their 'musts" and be mindful of the ticking clock too if the woman in her 30s also really wants a biological child. That woman has to keep the resume of the guy and balance it against everything else - because if she takes a 2 year chance on a man who is not sure about wanting a child (oh, throw out the resume, you're being too rigid, people change and change their minds.....) - she might be giving up her dream. It's very individual.

[Last Gentleman]

It's not rigid -it's always a choice. And when I did on line dating sites I had criteria like everyone else -age limits, geography, education level, religious background, no drug use, etc - any of those can be described as rigid or have an exception but most of us especially in our 30s have to use our time wisely if we want marriage and family badly. If the person doesn't obviously that person has a lot more time to take those risks. This is dating with a goal of marriage -not making friends or meeting potential friends, etc - time is limited and you have to choose wisely IO.

 

Age limits because you might not want to date people in their "groing up phase" not completely arbitrary, geography because it puts a strain on dating to relocate or travel all the time so not arbitrary,

education level you don't want to be a teacher or the idiot of the relationship not arbitrary, religion can break couples not arbitrary, no drugs because marrying an addict is just crazy not arbitrary.

Those are all logical things to just asses compatibility that are pretty much black or white, so it is logical to have preferences on these matters, but the length of the relationships and life circumstances

aren't such black or white notions, it's massive grey area, I just don't understand you mix these things together it doesn't make sense.

 

Also what I understand from your text is, someone in his 20s dedicated to having a family is basically better in his 30s than someone that didn't want it in his 20s and then felt ready and decided for it

in his 30s, that's absolutely baffling if I understand right. let's take this seriously for a minute :

 

- Person A, 20yo wants a family so 60% career 30% family 10% personal growth until 30, then 30-35 100% family = 15 years at 130% family value 10% personal growth

- Person B, 20yo doesn't want family so 70% career 0% family and 30% personal growth until 30, then 30-35 100% family = 15 years at 100% family 30% personal growth

 

You can argue numbers but the difference to me can be quite insignificant especial around 40 and I will take a partner who's better in their shoes anyday, than someone having

only dedicated themselves towards family, because I would argue the chances this person makes a better partner, to maintain the family in the long run knowing who he is.

 

I'm not attacking you life choices, far from it just arguing that people are too complicated and there are too many exceptions, for narrowing relationships to a number !

It's great for you, you wanted a family since 15 you got it and that's fantastic, but let me tell you of one of my female friends that you remind me of, she told all of her BFs

how she wanted kids since she was 20, well she is now 36 and still no kids, why you aks ? She put so much pressure on the men without realizing it and these men wanted

kids too, that they eventually all left her because they felt they were just a means, so be careful of life goals wanting some things too much can be absolute red flags as well

as she did !

[katrina1980]

@ Batya, okay let's toss the word "rigid" out.

 

That still doesn't negate the fact that such person has certain "requirements" based on what amounts to a dating resume.

 

I understand you married in your 40s which is fine, but since your goal was marriage since your early 20s, I am only "suggesting" that had you had a more open mind and gotten to know the internal machinations of a man and what he's about versus how many relationships he's had/not had, and/or how long those relationships lasted, you might have found your life partner sooner.

 

But then again, you may not have ended up with your husband, so it all worked out the way it was meant to.

 

I am not talking about drug addicts, liars, cheaters or other things that would obviously be deal-breakers for anyone, or should be..

 

My post was not directed at you anyway, it was to the OP and *his*'situation in that he is considering rejecting this woman based on the fact her longest RL was two years.

 

That just sounds a bit ridiculous to me, but to each his own.

[Batya33]

@ Batya, okay let's toss the word "rigid" out.

 

That still doesn't negate the fact that such person has certain "requirements" based on what amounts to a dating resume.

 

I understand you married in your 40s which is fine, but since your goal was marriage since your early 20s, I am only "suggesting" that had you had a more open mind and gotten to know the internal machinations of a man and what he's about versus how many relationships he's had/not had, and/or how long those relationships lasted, you might have found your life partner sooner.

 

But then again, you may not have ended up with your husband, so it all worked out the way it was meant to.

 

I am not talking about drug addicts, liars, cheaters or other things that would obviously be deal-breakers for anyone, or should be..

 

My post was not directed at you anyway, it was to the OP and *his*'situation in that he is considering rejecting this woman based on the fact her longest RL was two years.

 

That just sounds a bit ridiculous to me, but to each his own.

 

I agree about the OP's particular situation -that he should give that person a chance based on what he wrote. I had a resume and I stand by having relationship/marriage requirements - if marriage and family is what the woman wants and especially if she's in her 30s - and stand by trying to keep it short plus reevaluating regularly.

 

I never met a man who hadn't had an LTR by the time he was 35 and if a woman who wanted what I wanted and lived in a big city as I did asked me my personal opinion -if she asked -I'd tell her to try to meet people who were not in that situation. If he totally knocked her socks off I'd tell her to see him a few times and feel things out.

 

I was single for far longer than I wanted to because I got in my own way with mostly commitment related issues. Because I had certain requirements I made sure to stay in my major city for all of my dating years and move 10 miles closer to the action and pay really high rent to have the most options for a social life. That way I could have my requirements and not forego opportunities. It's kind of a tautology -not just for me -for the OP too - to say to someone that if they hadn't had their dating resume they might have met a better match. Begs the question. To me if the resume is focused on values and goals-based criteria then by definition the person who doesn't meet those requirements would not be a better match because there wouldn't be compatibility.

 

A separate issue as I wrote above is whether the person is stuck on certain values/goals without checking in with herself often enough to make sure that the resume accurately reflects what she wants. For example in my 20s even someone a bit overweight was a dealbreaker for me. And then when I fell hard for someone obese, and found myself attracted to certain men who were overweight, I realized that if the health issues were all ok I was fine with the extra weight. So it's about being honest and open with oneself rather than making yourself date men who you already know aren't compatible with your values and goals.

[katrina1980]

>> If he 'knocked her socks off', I would tell her to see him a few times and feel things out.

 

^^Precisely my point.

 

And why would anyone seeking a long term relationship or marriage be dating anyone who "didn't" knock their socks off?

 

First and foremost we should be seeking someone who knocks our socks off!

 

Everything else can be discussed, compromised and worked out, and if not, next.

 

People make such compromises all the time for the benefit of the relationship and each other.

 

It called being open-minded, flexible and accepting of our differences.

 

JMO (as always) but for someone to base their initial interest and attraction on a list of "requirements" such as how long their relationships lasted, is really just missing the fundamental reason we seek relationships - to love and accept despite our differences, and to have that person love and accept us in return.

 

Just my opinion Batya, I respect you don't share that opinion and that's fine.

 

Your requirements ultimately got you what you wanted so it worked out for the best in your situation.

[Batya33]

Well no I meant in the rare exception a few dates might be worth it depending on what it is. I do think acceptance of differences is great. When it comes to looking for a spouse I think the level of acceptance should not yield to the person’s values and standards and goals. I do think when it comes to choosing coworkers or acquaintances or friends there is far more room and need for a broader level of acceptance. Finding a spouse or partner is not as much about feeling the need to promote difference and diversity because you’re talking about a long term romantic relationship. Should someone accept that their potential spouse believes in an entirely different way of disciplining or teaching a child because the goal is to “accept differences”? I would reserve that for situations where you want to work well with your community to promote a social cause for example and to be open minded towards that goal.

I don’t think that level of openmindedness is needed in looking for a spouse. If the person values stretching herself to accept a level of difference with a partner rather than looking for compatibility first I can see that but most people I know value compatibility over seeking to accept differences that may conflict with having things in common and having common goals. It can be really exciting and intriguing to stretch oneself that way. I seek to do that at times in friendships - for example you’ve written you choose not to pursue platonic friendships with men because it’s never worked - so the gender is a dealbreaker for you.

Is that close minded or is that just you knowing what you find comfortable and compatible in a friendship. Should you be required to accept the gender difference and be more open minded about making friends since you’re discounting an entire gender or should it be ok thet you choose not to accept that difference or be open minded? Just something to think about.

Oh and we agree that it’s not about how long someone’s relationship lasted. It’s about whether by age 35 the person has had any long term relationships. If he had serious relationships that lasted at least 6 months or longer - past the honeymoon period - that to me would show a desire to pride marriage and family. In the ops case she has had long term relationships just not for years. Totally fine if you throw requirements out the window or think that having a list in mind is too rigid. It doesn’t hurt anyone and as others wrote as long as the person isn’t complaining about “no good men” it’s totally that person’s business. I wouldn’t give an opinion about any approach unless asked.

 

Interestingly I think it's too rigid to expect to meet people who knock your socks off right away - I believe that's great as is being openminded to let chemistry develop with someone who you have things in common with and where you're not repulsed or even nearly repulsed as far as physical attraction.

[Last Gentleman]

It called being open-minded, flexible and accepting of our differences.

 

JMO (as always) but for someone to base their initial interest and attraction on a list of "requirements" such as how long their relationships lasted, is really just missing the fundamental reason we seek relationships - to love and accept despite our differences, and to have that person love and accept us in return.

 

The problems I see nowadays is OLD has "poluted" people's minds, it pushes you to choose requirements or make lists, I allready said it but during some dates met on OLD I felt like during my last job interview, as if the other in front didn't have to do any

effort but crossing the items on their list... as you say it doesn't seem like being open to know someone at all !

 

Maybe this will sound countroversial to many, but while many women think we men are only fixated on looks above all, when you're a 30-40yo male inviting women on dates and since mostly the dynamic is the woman that says yes or no to dating you, the

reality is most men cannot have such elaborated requirements lists, or we just wouldn't have any occasions to find someone. I'm not saying I'm dating anyone who comes by, but I try to know the person's character first and life goals, then the rest is accessory.

Which is why I respect women that go for what they want and can do the first step !

[Batya33]

The problems I see nowadays is OLD has "poluted" people's minds, it pushes you to choose requirements or make lists, I allready said it but during some dates met on OLD I felt like during my last job interview, as if the other in front didn't have to do any

effort but crossing the items on their list... as you say it doesn't seem like being open to know someone at all !

 

Maybe this will sound countroversial to many, but while many women think we men are only fixated on looks above all, when you're a 30-40yo male inviting women on dates and since mostly the dynamic is the woman that says yes or no to dating you, the

reality is most men cannot have such elaborated requirements lists, or we just wouldn't have any occasions to find someone. I'm not saying I'm dating anyone who comes by, but I try to know the person's character first and life goals, then the rest is accessory.

 

OLD is just a website - people are far too smart to be polluted or brainwashed. I had my requirements when I started dating in my teens. OLD made it easier to screen but before that I did personal ads/set ups and when I met people in person I found out as soon as I could -and subtlely as I could -whether we had aligned values/goals and whether he was single, educated, geographically available etc. Not in an interview kind of way at all. Most men who were relationship minded like me wanted me to know all that and wanted to know it from me. And not in a rigid way -as part of the natural dating process. One of the first questions my future husband asked me was why I chose the career I did. We met at work. This was over lunch in our late 20s. He said it was important to him that the woman he got involved with had a career she enjoyed and was passionate about. I didn't feel like I was being interviewed. I liked that he was interested in the why.

 

Dating sites don't push people to do anything at all- they exist and people who are predisposed to certain dating practices will treat and use the sites in the ways that reflect who they already are. I loved that I could screen and be efficient in finding people I might have things in common with. And I avoided the guys who saw it as a candy store. That was easy because you could tell from their profiles and/or initial contact.

[Last Gentleman]

OLD is just a website - people are far too smart to be polluted or brainwashed. I had my requirements when I started dating in my teens. OLD made it easier to screen but before that I did personal ads/set ups and when I met people in person I found out as soon as I could -and subtlely as I could -whether we had aligned values/goals and whether he was single, educated, geographically available etc. Not in an interview kind of way at all. Most men who were relationship minded like me wanted me to know all that and wanted to know it from me. And not in a rigid way -as part of the natural dating process. One of the first questions my future husband asked me was why I chose the career I did. We met at work. This was over lunch in our late 20s. He said it was important to him that the woman he got involved with had a career she enjoyed and was passionate about. I didn't feel like I was being interviewed. I liked that he was interested in the why.

 

Dating sites don't push people to do anything at all- they exist and people who are predisposed to certain dating practices will treat and use the sites in the ways that reflect who they already are. I loved that I could screen and be efficient in finding people I might have things in common with. And I avoided the guys who saw it as a candy store. That was easy because you could tell from their profiles and/or initial contact.

 

I'm sorry Batya33 don't take this badly, but do you even understand I live in another country than yours and that the dynamics and ways of thinking might be quite different than the ones you have !?

Also not to be rude but he 20-30yo of nowadays, are vastly different than the ones when you were dating I assure you, be very happy to be married and have a familly.

I listen to you and I see your points and logic, even if I'm not really agreeing with what you say, but you seems pretty unable to consider what I'm saying to be possible, I mean I'm not making this up

I had horrible dates on OLD you wouldn't believe me if I told you stories. I hear the same crap from most male friends too, are we all living in a fantasy I don't think so !

 

If you want to argue people are smart, in a world who elected Donald Trump and venerates women like tha Kardshians, sorry we won't agree here...

[katrina1980]

Batya, I have no desire to debate with you about this, but just to clarify, as I have stated previously numerous times, I would love nothing more than to be friends with men, the problem is they don't wish to be "friends" with me -- they want more, either to date me or something sexual.

 

So would appreciate your not twisting my words to fit your agenda to make a point.

 

I do lean more towards how LG thinks, not sure why, but it may be because I was raised by a dad who was born in Lithuania and instilled those same eastern/northern european attitudes, philosophies, values and traditions in me (and my siblings).

 

Yes some of my attitudes toward relationships are considered quite controversial here in the states, perhaps I should move to Europe - in fact as of late I am strongly considering it!

 

I have a cousin who lives in south of France, and when I visited her last July, she once again mentioned how she would love nothing more than for me to move over there.

 

I am strongly considering taking her up on her offer!

 

I am sick of the BS that goes on over here, not just in dating but in the overall attitudes of many people in general.

 

Way too inflexible, rigid and conservative for my tastes.

[Batya33]

Batya, I have no desire to debate with you about this, but just to clarify, as I have stated previously numerous times, I would love nothing more than to be friends with men, the problem is they don't wish to be "friends" with me -- they want more, either to date me or something sexual.

 

So would appreciate your not twisting my words to fit your agenda to make a point.

 

I do lean more towards how LG thinks, not sure why, but it may be because I was raised by a dad who was born in Lithuania and instilled those same eastern/northern european attitudes, philosophies, values and traditions in me (and my siblings).

 

Yes some of my attitudes toward relationships are considered quite controversial here in the states, perhaps I should move to Europe - in fact as of late I am strongly considering it!

 

I have a cousin who lives in south of France, and when I visited her last July, she once again mentioned how she would love nothing more than for me to move over there.

 

I am strongly considering taking her up on her offer!

 

I am sick of the BS that goes on over here, not just in dating but in the overall attitudes of many people in general.

 

Way too inflexible, rigid and conservative for my tastes.

 

Too funny about twisting your words. I have no agenda -I was sharing my personal opinion only. My point is you've decided that all men don't want to be friends with you so you stopped trying. An entire gender. You're entitled but then it's surprising when you take issue with women who have certain dating requirements. You might "want" to be friends with men but you've decided -based on your individual experiences with individual men - that you're not going to try anymore with any men because those men didn't just want to be friends. Same exact thing really - women who have requirements often base it on individual experiences and decide that all else equal their selection process will not include certain types of people. Nothing wrong with your decision at all -you are entitled to spend your time pursuing friendships where you feel it's worth your investment of time and based on your experiences you stopped trying to be friends with people who happen to be straight males. You're entitled. How is that twisting?

 

You also wrote -and this is not twisting -that you wouldn't like it if a man had platonic female friends and you wanted someone who felt the same way as you in that regard. Others might look at that and label it as rigid or judgmental - but to me, you're entitled to screening out men who don't share the values you do about platonic friendship with the opposite sex. That's all I'm referring to -a selection process that in part is based on assumptions and judgments in deciding who to invest time in for a potential romantic relationship or even a friendship. You may not have a resume or a list but that is something you said you felt strongly about. That's all I'm talking about. You're entitled.

[katrina1980]

Too funny about twisting your words.

 

I'm flattered you find my posts so humorous , but will you please stop making this about me and what I have stated in my previous posts? What's your point?

 

You're not even quoting what I've said correctly, so seriously, please stop. Thank you.

 

Anyway, your first sentence is as far as I got reading your post, not to be rude but I just saw no point in proceeding further.

 

I have said my piece, you've said yours, so let's just leave it at that.

[Jibralta]

I have only been in 3 relationships in 25 years, I am a LTR guy not casual. She dated Casual for a few years been single for over a year and longest was 2 years. Should I be concerned with the lack of LTR? I also noticed that she has like over 1000 people on Facebook and a lot of random guys that every time she posts something they jump on saying things like Hi sexy etc.

 

When I was 35, I had never been in a relationship longer than a year and 8 months. And that was when I was in my early 20s. Everything between then and my mid-30s was 7 months or less. And lots of times I was just single. My current boyfriend has always been in long term relationships. We have been together for almost 6 years. I just had to meet the right guy.

 

Not sure about the Facebook thing. I used to ignore people that hit on me.

 

The main issue I see with you is that you're recently out of a relationship and may be rebounding.

[katrina1980]

I actually thought of you while posting Jibralta.

 

By your own admission (in previous posts), for years you struggled with commitment issues, and relationships.

 

If men were to judge you using that standard, you would never have a relationship for the rest of your life!

 

Thankfully your current long term bf didn't and from everything you've posted you are a loyal, loving partner who is very much committed to your boyfriend!

[Jibralta]

If men were to judge you using that standard, you would never have a relationship for the rest of your life!

 

Right. And probably some did judge me. But really I just had to figure a few things out about myself and what I wanted. I think it was good not to waste other people's time while I did that.