First Date Blues

[JCSK]

That's what I think as well. What I noticed is some guys text you a lot before meeting because they want sex. If you go on a date or 2 and you aren't giving up the goodies, the guy stops being as attentive. This also happens when you sleep w/them and they just wanted sex. Do not get attached so soon, otherwise you will be disappointed a lot. I feel into that trap and ended up regretting falling for the guy so soon. Guys who want sex do this on purpose, draw you in and hope you'll give into anything to keep them.

 

This is exactly what I was thinking. The suggestion he made about watching tv shows at your house the next day is quite creepy and manipulative. How dare he assume that he can just come and sleep at your house and make himself at home when you haven't even met at this point! And the ways in which he seemed to suggest he was bored with the date by pointing out all these inconsequential things around you suggests to me he was subtly trying to imply that he wanted you to be more 'fun.' It sounds like he was up for a night that ended with a bang and when he realised you're not that kind of girl, he lost interest. And anyway, if your work schedules are so incompatible that you can't find time to see each other from one month to the next, how would it work anyway. Bin him off. You gave it a good shot but this one is definitely not the one.

[Batya33]

Yes, I see what you are saying. I guess I am so anxious and upset, because I don't know how to act around him. We have work tomorrow. He wants us to be exactly how we were before. Before we flirted, teased, and were fun and chemistry was wild. Do I act like that again? Like nothing has changed? Or do I step back, stop the flirting and the chatting him up. He likes the girl I was, and I feel like if I pull back, he won't like me or he will think I changed or things are ruined, because I can't act the same anymore.

 

I think you treat him politely and professionally. If he is inappropriate enough to ask why you are keeping him at a distance say "we work together. I heard what you said the other night. I need to take care of me. As you know I'm interested in dating you and I understand you're not there at the moment. That is fine. If you ever are at that point you can let me know and if I'm still interested and available we can talk then. Until then I think it's best that we keep things professional and friendly -thanks for understanding."

 

Do not worry about what he thinks. He knows you are incredibly into him. You've chased him, made out with him, invited him to your place even after he said he didn't want a relationship with you now, hung on his every word about his sweet nothings about seeing a future with you. what I've suggested will take care of the remote possibility that he will think you're no longer interested.

 

Please do not think that you're going to get him to change his mind any faster by flirting and enjoying that "wild" chemistry. My strong opinion is that kind of behavior will have the opposite effect (in the cow-milk-free category).

[JCSK]

I wrote this before reading all the rest of your posts. Co-worker guy sounds odd to me. If you really like someone why would you want to wait? Keep dating the other guy. My best friend was dumped horribly and really hurt and shell-shocked. She was asked out on a date shortly after by a man she met and she took his number but didn't really want to go. she said she was too consumed with thoughts of the ex. Our other friend talked her into going and said you just never know what is around the corner. My friend went on a date with this man and even though for the first few she was a bit depressed as she still had all these feelings, she realised that as the dates went on her feelings for new guy were growing and feelings for old guy fading. That was six years ago and now they are still happily together, a wonderful happy couple and really fun to be around. I always tell this story as she nearly didn't go and I think wow, that would have been such a waste.

Anyway, having a lot of money doesn't matter but having a lot of debt does. You sound young - how has he got into so much difficulty already? Why does he only work two days a week? Debt can be a red-flag to other things like being irresponsible and unreliable. He can think you are wife material all he likes but he is certainly not husband material! I'd change your shifts to avoid him as much as possible until your feelings pass - which they will. Being infatuated with someone is no fun but it does pass eventually.

[katrina1980]

Yes, I see what you are saying. I guess I am so anxious and upset, because I don't know how to act around him. We have work tomorrow. He wants us to be exactly how we were before. Before we flirted, teased, and were fun and chemistry was wild. Do I act like that again? Like nothing has changed? Or do I step back, stop the flirting and the chatting him up.

 

---

 

****He likes the girl I was, and I feel like if I pull back, he won't like me or he will think I changed or things are ruined, because I can't act the same anymore.

 

Last para, no he likes to flirt with and toss breadcrumbs to the girl your were (and apparently still wish to be).

 

If he "liked" you, he'd want to date you!

 

So not quite understanding why you wish to continue this same behavior.

 

Your behavior hasn't you gotten *anywhere* but meaningless flirt and a make out session that means ZIP in the grand scheme.

 

Please read my last post again (no. 47) the last two paragraphs, which you agreed with.

 

Your mindset about this is seriously off.

[Batya33]

I think he likes you and doesn't want to date you despite all his talk about how you would be great for a future wife, etc. Kind of like when people say "oh he's perfect on paper -total marriage material". Doesn't mean that person wants to date Mr./Ms. Marriage Material . He likes flirting with you, kissing you, likes being flattered by you and chased by you. He likes hanging out with you. People can like you and not want to date you for whatever reason under the sun or not want a relationship with you. He doesn't want a relationship with you. That might change if he ever acts on what he said about you being a potential "wife" to him. But it's only an if, only words. Nothing to wait for or even pay any more attention to. But listen carefully to his words "I don't want a relationship with you" - those words trump his actions. When a man says he doesn't want a relationship with you stop trying to read into what else he did or said after. Whatever his reason he's willing to let you get snapped up by some other guy. And not because he's selfless. Because he doesn't want a relationship with you.

[Jibralta]

I found out from a friend of mine, who goes to school with him, that he apparently is so low on money. So low that he is backed up in paying his rent, and hasn't been paying it. It all makes sense now. He has been frantic about finding a new place to live for his next year, and if he can't pay his rent, then there is no way he would ever be able to take me out for a dinner, thus avoiding going out with me. But no guy wants to seem poor and not manly to a girl.

 

There you go again, putting over-flattering thoughts in other peoples' heads. It's not all about you. Your coworker seems very comfortable being self-centered. He is clearly not going to inconvenience himself for a little bit o love. You shouldn't either. You are free. Go on, have dates with other people and don't be half-hearted about it. Don't put your life on hold for a fantasy.

[Batya33]

There you go again, putting over-flattering thoughts in other peoples' heads. It's not all about you. Your coworker seems very comfortable being self-centered. He is clearly not going to inconvenience himself for a little bit o love. You shouldn't either. You are free. Go on, have dates with other people and don't be half-hearted about it. Don't put your life on hold for a fantasy.

 

I agree. My father didn't have two pennies to rub together when he started dating my mother -nor did they when they were first married over 60 years ago -if this guy really liked you he would tell you that he cannot wait to date you but you'll have to do some brown bag lunches for awhile and some romantic walks in the park. And of course if it was just financial he would have made that clear and made it clear that he wanted to do things right and not play kissy face with you until he could "afford" to properly date you. If he can afford to go out drinking he can afford to buy you a slice of pizza.

[boltnrun]

My husband and I didn't have diddly squat when we got married. And those were some of our happiest years. Difference? He WANTED to be in a relationship with me.

 

Didn't you say "work guy" comes from a wealthy family and doesn't really need to work, hence the part time? There goes that excuse.

 

You are trying so very hard to get him to want to date you, while you want to discard the guy who does.

 

Therapy has been suggested to you multiple times, along with people advising you "work guy" isn't really interested. Why do you still insist on trying?

[Alex39]

He isn't rich. His roommate is. I do agree, that I think if someone wanted to date you, they would, regardless of money, or anything else. I think I am obsessing and thinking about it constantly. I need to be strong, professional and move on. He isn't making anything happen, than us continuing to be friends. I have to step back, no more flirting, chatting, going him compliments. He sent me a snap photo today of him all dressed up for an interview.

 

Normally, I would have complimented him and said he looked nice, and asked how it all went. But I didn't respond or say anything. I feel like a crappy person, and so guilty for purposefully ignoring him, but I just know I can't keep doing what I was doing.

 

I keep replaying the night over and over in my head, analyzing everything, then the last few weeks, every moment we spoke or had a moment. I am trying to stop. I do need to take care of me, and focus on what is best for me. Yes I want more, but I do also like him as my friend. I feel like thats over.

[Batya33]

You are not ignoring him. You are showing him by your actions that you're not going to jump to respond instantly just because he sends you a photo. Be careful about indulging in "I feel guilty" because in your overthinking mind you'll use that to justify "can't help but respond".

 

I'm glad you're thinking in the way you are -the rest of your post. Keep it up -you can do this!

[annie24]

Yes, I see what you are saying. I guess I am so anxious and upset, because I don't know how to act around him. We have work tomorrow. He wants us to be exactly how we were before. Before we flirted, teased, and were fun and chemistry was wild. Do I act like that again? Like nothing has changed? Or do I step back, stop the flirting and the chatting him up. He likes the girl I was, and I feel like if I pull back, he won't like me or he will think I changed or things are ruined, because I can't act the same anymore.

 

Since he's your coworker, treat him like you do anyone else, like Steve from accounting or Patty from the mailroom. I think you should focus on the new guys you are seeing, especially #1, because he seems to be putting his best foot forward. You know what they say about dating at work - don't get your honey where you get your money....

[katrina1980]

amk, you are playing this all wrong!

 

You could probably get this guy to want to date you if you played it differently; he is sure as hell not gonna want to date you if you continue on with your same behavior.

 

I mean after months of this bs, isn't that rather obvious?

 

Change it up! Experiment. That is how you learn what works and what men respond to.

 

What makes them want to actually date you instead of endless flirting and the random make out session when he's drunk..

 

Try something different!

 

Like being pleasant but "indifferent."

 

Stop flirting, stop accepting his breadcrumbs, stop giving him attention, your attitude should be you have MANY options and you do not need the scraps he is tossing you.

 

You have better things to do than waste time flirting and "making out" with some "joe" who has absolutely nothing to offer you, not even taking you out on a simple date!!!

 

Still be pleasant when you see him, treat him like you would any other co-worker.

 

This should be your attitude and *IF* this guy "likes" you, this new attitude could be just the kick in the a** he needs to realize he does like and wants to date you.

 

That you are a woman worth pursuing and not just someone to flirt with for an ego boost (which is what he's doing imho.)

 

Goodness girl, you really need to learn about men!!

[Alex39]

No thanks Katrina, your advice and reassurance is what I need. Truly. I am going to try really hard to do as you say, because I do think it is the right way to go. so far, its been going well. Not responding to social media. Not sending social media directly to him. Not engaging. Just being a co-worker like any other. I have not worked with him yet, so I'm nervous I will crack in person, but I can't. I need to stay neutral and indifferent as you say. This new guy is actively pursuing me and talking to me and its nice. I am going to see where that goes. Its solid and he wants and had taken me out.

 

As much as I like work guy, he isn't offering anything and says right now he can't. I have a lot to offer right now and I need someone who can step up and add 50%, to my 50%.

[Batya33]

"I am going to try really hard to do as you say"

 

Stop using "try" - these are all about actions (or not acting). -tell yourself you will "do" it -banish "try" from your vocabulary when it comes to this guy -you've been "trying" for months now.

 

All the new guy has done is taking you out once and asked you out once. He has nothing to do with your decision to move on from Work Guy. He's been "pursuing" you for about five minutes or so - think of it that way. In 3-6 months of regular dating you'll know by his actions if he is interested in pursuing you for a potentially serious relationship. He's stepped up once. I am just cautioning you because if the next date is your last date and you've relied on his interest to help you move on from Work Guy you're going to have a hard time not sliding back in to your past interactions with Work Guy. Treat it as separate. New Guy is someone you just met and many people "pursue" by asking someone out a few times.

[katrina1980]

I don't get this "I will try" either.

 

What's to *try*? The guy is jerking you around so bad, and YOU are allowing him to, aren't you tired? Fed up with it all?

 

Damn, I would be so DONE with this and would have been a LONG time ago no matter how intoxicating my attraction.

 

I'd be 'flipping the script' so fast, he'd be begging to have a date with me. LOL

 

But you? You are so busy being "nice," indulging this guy's every whim whenever it suits him, you are behaving like a total pushover (doormat) which is a huge turn off other than the occasional ego boost.

 

And I'm sorry to say this but he may even be laughing about it. I have brothers so know this to be true, especially with immature guys like him.

 

Be DONE with it!!!! You have LOTS of options and don't need this bozo's scraps. You have better things to do!

 

I honestly don't get why this just isn't your attitude, naturally, and that you have to "try."

 

A man will value you only as much as you value YOURSELF.

 

And how you've been behaving tells him you must not value yourself much, sorry.

 

Of course he wants to leave things the same, it's a total ego boost for him!

[Batya33]

I don't get this "I will try" either.

 

What's to *try*? The guy is jerking you around so bad, and YOU are allowing him to, aren't you tired? Fed up with it all?

 

Damn, I would be so DONE with this and would have been a LONG time ago no matter how intoxicating my attraction.

 

I'd be 'flipping the script' so fast, he'd be begging to have a date with me. LOL

 

But you? You are so busy being "nice," indulging this guy's every whim whenever it suits him, you are behaving like a total pushover (doormat) which is a huge turn off other than the occasional ego boost.

 

And I'm sorry to say this but he may even be laughing about it. I have brothers so know this to be true, especially with immature guys like him.

 

Be DONE with it!!!! You have LOTS of options and don't need this bozo's scraps. You have better things to do!

 

I honestly don't get why this just isn't your attitude, naturally, and that you have to "try."

 

A man will value you only as much as you value YOURSELF.

 

And how you've been behaving tells him you must not value yourself much, sorry.

 

Of course he wants to leave things the same, it's a total ego boost for him!

 

Tagging on - please please if you read anything read the above. Rinse/repeat as often as necessary.

[boltnrun]

Be careful. Next thing you know you'll be in a "casual sex" arrangement with "work guy". And you'll be saying "but I CAN'T HELP IT! I can't help how I FEEL!"

 

The only one who can protect you is you. "Work guy" sure isn't going to.

[Alex39]

I am a little bit of a perfectionist. I beat myself up. I know I am not perfect. I have accepted my flaws, but I think I have been thinking of this experience in the total wrong way.

 

He gave me the utmost highest compliment. He told me I was wife material. I was talking to one of my good friends today. She said what he said sounded genuine. He told me he told his roommate and friends all about me, and that he never does that. Guys don't do that. They don't talk about feelings, or anything of the sort with each other. My friend says he must think so highly of me that he needed to tell people.

 

He thinks I am so great. And I'm freaking out, overthinking, and paranoid now. I shouldn't be. Me just being who I was, was good enough. I am good enough as I am. I'm wife. I should feel good. I am only seeing the bad. That he doesn't want me right now.

 

My friend thinks he just feels like he doesn't feel fully equipped to give me what he thinks I deserve. That he wants to be the man in my life, and to take care of me, and he feels ill equipped financially and ready to do that at this point.

 

I feel like here I am, feeling self conscious, vulnerable, but my friend told me he was vulnerable too. He told me he liked me too and opened up about his feelings and put himself out there as much as I did.

 

I want him to be happy, with or without me. I feel so self conscious now, and wanting him to still like me, but I forget, that he does already, just the way I was.

 

I feel like I am going to be overthinking and a more laid back version of myself around him, and its driving me crazy. I can't get him, and the whole situation out of my head. But I need to. I need to think of me, and move on for me, and just keep being me, because regardless of him, I need to be happy too.

[boltnrun]

Wow.

 

All his pretty words just erase the fact that for months he had the opportunity to spend time with you and he chose not to?

 

You're going to listen to "friends" who don't even know him and what they think he's thinking instead of listening to what he actually said? He said he's not interested in a relationship! And somehow you've translated that into "he wants to date me but he's not financially equipped"?

 

It's kind of sad that you seem determined to hold onto this non-relationship instead of finding a man who DOES want to date you and about whom you don't have to invent scenarios that aren't based in reality.

 

I have to wonder if you prefer fantasy to reality.

[katrina1980]

Wow.

 

All his pretty words just erase the fact that for months he had the opportunity to spend time with you and he chose not to?

 

You're going to listen to "friends" who don't even know him and what they think he's thinking instead of listening to what he actually said? He said he's not interested in a relationship! And somehow you've translated that into "he wants to date me but he's not financially equipped"?

 

It's kind of sad that you seem determined to hold onto this non-relationship instead of finding a man who DOES want to date you and about whom you don't have to invent scenarios that aren't based in reality.

 

I have to wonder if you prefer fantasy to reality.

 

I agree with this^.

 

Nuff said.

[katrina1980]

To add though, apparently he is "financially equipped" enough to pursue relationships with other women, hence the reason he periodically updates his profile listing all the qualities he's seeking in a girlfriend/relationship!

 

You posted about this previously.

 

Curious what story you plan on telling yourself to make "that" okay in your head so you can continue with your obsession.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh but girl seriously! You KNOW words mean jack * unless followed up with action.

 

If he truly thought you were "wife material" he'd be taking down his profile, and pursuing a relationship with "you" as a potential wife.

 

Not updating his profile looking to date "other" girls. Does that make sense to you?

 

Talk about a double message!

 

You're wife material but I don't want a relationship with you. lol

 

Makes no sense!

 

Unless he's commitment phobe which is quite possible, but then again you may be (and my guess is, are) as well.

 

Two peas in a pod.

[Batya33]

To add though, apparently he is "financially equipped" enough to pursue relationships with other women, hence the reason he periodically updates his profile listing all the qualities he's seeking in a girlfriend/relationship!

 

You posted about this previously.

 

Curious what story you plan on telling yourself to make "that" okay in your head so you can continue with your obsession.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh but girl seriously! You KNOW words mean jack * unless followed up with action.

 

If he truly thought you were "wife material" he'd be taking down his profile, and pursuing a relationship with "you" as a potential wife.

 

Not updating his profile looking to date "other" girls. Does that make sense to you?

 

Talk about a double message!

 

You're wife material but I don't want a relationship with you. lol

 

Makes no sense!

 

Unless he's commitment phobe which is quite possible, but then again you may be (and my guess is, are) as well.

 

Two peas in a pod.

 

Yes. Totally agree. It's sort of like when my close platonic friend (who I had a minor crush on) and I decided that if we hit 30 and were unmarried, we would marry. We were in high school at the time, maybe one year out. Difference being we both knew it was kind of a joke and my feelings that it might not be someday were minor. No harm done, no leading on. And several other men made comments about how I was wife material and what they meant was typically along the lines of "you're someone I could see myself marrying if I was ready for that kind of thing and if I wanted the perfect on paper wife" - they meant that they weren't that into me chemistry-wise but saw that I'd make a good wife. And I felt the same about certain men where there was little to no chemistry but I recognized their good qualities. It wasn't leading on when I was told that, not in the context in which I was. He's playing with fire a bit because he knows you are crazy about him, you've been chasing him for months, so I'm not going to say he's outright leading you on because he was honest that he doesn't want a relationship with you but it's not that thoughtful on his part given how obvious you've made your interest in him.

 

Your friends are trying to make you feel better. And you're telling yourself you're a "perfectionist" -if you were in this situation why in the world would you choose to drink and choose to make out with a man and invite a man to your place who just told you he doesn't want a relationship with you, and you want one with him? Perfectionists most certainly don't settle for scraps, do they?

[Jibralta]

He gave me the utmost highest compliment. He told me I was wife material.

 

Oh God. I was hoping you wouldn't latch onto that.

[Batya33]

Oh God. I was hoping you wouldn't latch onto that.

 

Totally agree. It's not a criticism for the most part but it's not the highest compliment -and in fact, with exceptions, I bet most people who were genuinely and sincerely interested in another person would use that (husband/wife material) as a joke if at all - because if you really feel you see serious potential with someone - then it's very personal and individual. You want to marry or be with that person -there's no "material" or category. Sure if pressed the person might add "and in addition to all her qualities she's what you would call wife material because....." So I agree - de-latch ASAP.

[katrina1980]

"You're wife material."

 

Given his actions, combined with him actually telling you he DOES NOT want a relationship with you or to even date you, I would interpret that comment to mean, in his mind, you are 'wife material' for "another" man but NOT him. Obviously!

 

JMO, but it doesn't appear to me he even wants a wife! Which is of course his perogative .

 

So let you go be "another man's" wife.

 

Please listen to "this" message he's sending you amk, not the one you're telling yourself so you can continue hanging on to this non-relationship, instead of forgetting about him and opening up yourself and your heart to men who are more suited to what you "say" you want.