First Date Blues

[Alex39]

I've just been trudging along. It's been sad, seeing him at work. We've been friendly, and fine, but I think we are trying to hold each other at arms length now. Its slightly awkward. Maybe its all in my head. My mom says things are probably fine. They probably are. I think I feel things are wrong, because the tension and flirtation that we had before is half gone. So I immediately think he doesn't like me and something is wrong and I upset myself. I'm holding myself back from wanting to chase him. I know I cannot change his mind.

 

Part of me wishes he never kissed me. Things wouldnt feel different if he hadnt. I dont think it was fair of him to be selfish like that. Kiss me, but nothing can change.

 

He took down his online dating profile. A friend of his who also works in our office told me he has been heavily trying to work on himself. Go to the gym, get another job to be better financially.

 

I'm just sad. I have no good prospects. I went on two dates last week. The guys were both rude and immature. Whatever the reasoning behind work guy not wanting to be in a relationship right now, I can at least be happy he isnt like those guys I went out with. He's focusing on himself. I have to focus on me.

[katrina1980]

I'm sure your mom is lovely but I would stop talking about your love/dating life with her and instead READ BOOKS!

 

Why are you so adverse to doing that? Do you have something against reading or something?

 

Learned a ton from reading books, about interpersonal relationship, and the like.

 

Your mom is wrong. There IS something very off with this entire situation, and you know this too.

 

Continue distancing yourself (while still being professional), hopefully he will find another job and then you won't ever have to see him again and can MOVE ON.

 

And you don't need another man to move on either.

 

In fact, I would stop dating for now, read and learn, focus on yourself and what draws you to these dysfunctional situations.

 

Enough is enough, it's time.

[Batya33]

You have no idea if he has other dating profiles and I'd stop gossiping/talking about him behind his back. It will get back to him and he'll keep being reminded of your focus on him, in a bad way. He kissed you because he felt like it. You put yourself in a very approachable position and you kissed him back. It takes two. He knew you were willing to kiss him even though he's never asked you out on a proper date or taken you on a date.

 

Your diminished dating pool likely is because you have some catching up to do -you spent many many hours/days/weeks chasing this guy and focusing on him. Now that you're choosing not to chase him you'll have more time to meet people.

[Alex39]

Things have pretty much been the same with work guy. We flirt, text, talk. Chemistry is still there. He flirts with me too. I keep wanting to reach out and touch him, hug him, touch his arm, anything. Its like a string pulling me in. Last week I was in such a good mood, I teased him relentlessly. He loved it. I was a savage. I don't know where it cane from. He even said that I was so good last week with teasing him. He hasn't even been able to hit me as hard. He's tried ever since.

 

Yesterday was intense. Started out talking, a bit of teasing, then he was over at my desk, working on a project together, but I think he just wanted to talk, be near me. I would catch him looking at me, smirking, I would blush, happened throughout the day. At one point, I was in a meeting with my boss. He has a window and I was facing it looking out. Work guy walks by, looks at me, smirks and makes this adorable face. I started blushing and giggling, making an excuse to my boss that one of the interns was being funny. He bought it, thank god.

 

Then my co-worker sets us up in one of our private rooms, and left us to work together. I question if she sees our chenistry. He and I talkand hit it off, as always.

 

The chemistry to me, was so strong. He had to feel it too. We're friends. Its comfortable. To me, thats the best, friends everyday, who also want to reach out and grab each other. To me, those end up being the best relationships. But I know we are just friends now.

 

Dating was brought up. He mentioned how he came across my online dating profile again. He then tells me how he's a relationship person but isnt looking, just wants it to happen naturally, not forced. And says how he doesnt even go online to find someone, he's just bored. I tell him I go throw phases of looking, then giving up and disappointed in my online findings.

 

He asks why and I tell him how most of the men I have met just have a lot of baggage. He is surprised I've actually met up with guys in person amd says he doesn't think he could ever meet someone from the site. He says how he is just enjoying going out with his friends, and if someone came up to him at a bar, he'd talk to them, but he would just see how it went, as he isn't looking. He mentions how his last two and only two relationships were so good, because they just blossomed naturally qnd weren't forced too quickly. I didnt know what to say, but the fact that he was with neither of these woman came to mind.

 

He then tells me about this event at bar we like this weekend, asks me if I wanted to go, I say yes, and he says he is trying to get his group together to all go.

 

We chat some more. And then he is called away.

 

He doesnt seem to want to go. He does. He goes down the hall for a meeting and I start packing up my stuff to leave as my day is over. My co-worker sees that he left his cell phone charger so gives it to me to give to him. I see him walking down the hall towards me so I meet him halfway. I hand it to him, its quite mangled and I tell him he needs a new one. He says when he has more money he will get a new phone.

 

I then say, "and new clothes," because he always says how he needs new clothes. He says yes, and smirks at me walking away. I then here him say something about "you'll have to come with me"

 

I was surprised by this. Ugh, ai just want to kiss him, but I also want to date him. And he clearly just doesn't with me.

[katrina1980]

Definition of insanity-- doing the same things over and over (for MONTHS) and expecting a different result.

 

~Albert Einstein

[Wiseman2]

It's ok to have a work crush. But at the same time focus on dating outside of work. He only wants to be friendly at work and the reason he is on dating sites is to date outside of work.

He mentioned how he came across my online dating profile again. He then tells me how he's a relationship person but isnt looking, just wants it to happen naturally, not forced.

[Batya33]

Definition of insanity-- doing the same things over and over (for MONTHS) and expecting a different result.

 

~Albert Einstein

 

Well yes and also it's a free country. If you want to continue to chase a man who doesn't want you no worries. Just inconsistent then to claim you are looking for a long term relationship in any genuine or honest way.

[Alex39]

I don't have any options. I don't meet people. I don't like others. And now I feel stupid for looking, bevause he said it should just happen naturally. I think the same, but that isn't working either.

 

I meet men whom I like and the timing is bad and its all wrong. I truly feel it hopeless. I feel like I have so much love to give someone. And I'm sitting wasting away in my life. I'm happy with myself. My looks, life, education, work. But I have no one to enjoy or share it with and I feel so sad that no one appreciates it.

 

The amount of times guys tell me I'm the ideal wife. But then break my heart by not wanting more with me.

[boltnrun]

But keeping trying with a guy you already know does not want to date or have a relationship with you doesn't make things better!

 

Do you think if you just keep texting and flirting, someday he'll change his mind? Hasn't it already been like 7 months? That's plenty of time for him to decide and it is apparent he isn't interested.

 

Continuing to pursue because you feel you have no options is self-defeating.

[Batya33]

But keeping trying with a guy you already know does not want to date or have a relationship with you doesn't make things better!

 

Do you think if you just keep texting and flirting, someday he'll change his mind? Hasn't it already been like 7 months? That's plenty of time for him to decide and it is apparent he isn't interested.

 

Continuing to pursue because you feel you have no options is self-defeating.

If you are still pursuing him and spending headspace and time on him then your chances of being available to someone who wants a relationship with you are very very low.

[katrina1980]

If you are still pursuing him and spending headspace and time on him then your chances of being available to someone who wants a relationship with you are very very low.

 

Not to sound rude, but after all her threads and posts, I'm convinced that amkxoxo wouldn't be interested in any man who was actually available and interested in her, regardless of where she's currently spending her headspace and time.

[Batya33]

Not to sound rude, but after all her threads and posts, I'm convinced that amkxoxo wouldn't be interested in any man who was actually available and interested in her, regardless of where she's currently spending her headspace and time.

 

Yes, that's probably true right now but there's more of a chance of her being open to an available man if she makes the choice to stop pursuing her co-worker.

[Alex39]

I do agree with all of you. At this point, my unhappiness os of my own accord. I'm letting myself become attached and sad. I'm working on stopping this pattern. Its a terrible way to be.

 

Just want to also quickly vent about his newest little quirk. Telling me he loves me. Well sort of.

 

He sent me a snapchat a week ago with the caption " hi, I love you". Shocked I didnt respond. Days later at work, he and I and another friend of ours was in the office alone. We were lightly talking politics. Nothing negative. The other guy asks me about my beliefs. Without giving anything away, I start speaking. My crush, behind him is smiling, smirking, shaking his head in an approving way and he looks at me, right in the eyes as I am finishing and mouths "ugh, I love you"

 

Then starts saying how my answer was so perfect and he loved it and agreed 100% etc...

 

I know he isnt professing his love for me. But it is a really strange. I'm going to just keep my cool. No feelings. I am single open to other men

 

Men who appreciate me now, not maybe someday. I'm available now and open to love. Just don't want to just settlr. I will keep looking for the right person. I know what I want and need in my life and what works for me.

[Wiseman2]

The best thing you can do is use a variety of resources. A couple of dating apps (preferably at least one more serious pay site) as well as social opportunities such as taking classes or courses, volunteering, joining some clubs or groups, etc. Obsessing about this coworker crush is avoiding life and hiding in an unrealistic fantasy world.

 

Stop focusing on "being the ideal wife". That vibe is scaring men away. So is how amazing you and your life is and all you need to do is install a fantasy man in it. Unfortunately it seems you are hiding from real life.

I don't have any options. I don't meet people. I don't like others. I'm happy with myself. My looks, life, education, work.The amount of times guys tell me I'm the ideal wife.

[Batya33]

What specifically are you working on? How often? What actions are you taking to make yourself available? Right now you are single and you are not available for a healthy relationship or even potential relationship given your intense focus on this person who isn't interested in that with you.

[Alex39]

I'm really not focused on being an ideal wife. I never thought about it until guys mentioned it to me. I guess I just have a wife vibe. My personality.

 

I am working on staying positive, being oksy with myself, handling my lonliness by making myself happy alone, living a full life, my schooling, job, just me.

 

I want to be happy and I have been. I do what I want, when I want, and life is going okay. I am open to love and men. Just havent found anyone yet. I was on a paid site for a while. It was horrible. I swear the guys were even worse than I find now.

 

I've been working on what I want in my life for me, long term, and knowing myself. I often get so hung up with others, and ignore my owns likes and dislikes. I am trying to stick to just being me, and not feeling guilty about what I do, say, like, want.

 

I am trying.

 

I like work guy's personality and our connection, but he offers me nothing of what I want in life right now. So, I will make the rest for myself. I can only count on me.

[Batya33]

I like what you wrote about taking actions as far as keeping busy. Otherwise "staying positive" and "being ok with myself" "making myself happy alone" are broad and vague statements bordering on cliche/psycho-babble - if you truly want to "work" on those things you have to come up with, IMO, specific actions on how you implement that and work towards your goal.

 

How is it that you are alone just because you don't have a romantic partner right now? Don't you have family, friends, acquaintances??

 

If you still maintain more than the professional contact that is necessary with this person you have a crush on then you are sabotaging most of your efforts. How about taking that action?

[Alex39]

I meant alone as in lonely. Not even just romantically, but I live alone, my friends aren't around all the time, and I've suffered in the past from being depressed from loneliness. My family lives far away. And it makes it worse when you see all couples doing things together or your friends invite single you out with all couples. But I am sick of being depressed over it, so I have been trying to embrace being alone, living alone, as time for myself. Pampering myself, doing homework, working out, all to further my life independently. Watching shows that I like even if they stink to everyone else.

 

I've been trying to stick in the mindset of not caring as much about what others think and again, as I said, not feeling weird or guilty for just being me.

 

In my past, I molded myself around men, not realizing that they like me for me, not for them. Being someone just like them wasn't fun and took me too much effort.

 

I seek approval from work guy. I keep trying to gauge his interest in me. Does he still like me? Am I too this or too that? Maybe I said something too forward.

 

This is negative. I can only just be me.

 

I struggle with professional contact. Work is work. I do my job and he does his. But we chat and tease like flirtatious friends. I feel like if I stopped doing that all together, I would seem cold and not myself anymore.

 

I'm trying overall to be kinder to myself. I spend way too much head space on other people and beat myself up for being me, instead of cutting myself some slack.

[Batya33]

So you are now clear in your mindset and priorities -you've decided that if you stop pursuing your crush you will "seem cold and not myself anymore." Ask yourself the hard question as to whether this is just an excuse. I have to put on an act most mornings with my son -because it is early, we have a bus to catch and lots to do so that once we walk out the door at 7:09 am he is fed, dressed, and I am ready for what I need to do even before his bus pulls away from the curb. But I want him to grow up in a calm environment as much as possible especially since I did not. So I stay calm and matter of fact with him and I am not myself -often myself is stressed out, worrying about this or that, tired, hangry. But none of that is his fault and even if it is, peace and calm are my goal to start his day before a long school day. I don't act overly sweet either. Point is -if you're even reading this -sometimes we have to fake it till we make it or even fake it either for our own best interest or someone else's or both. I haven't "made it" yet but I've made progress because I have tools to destress before that stress shows in my tone or actions.

 

Another example (from family life although I have many related to dating too). I'm in a moms group on Facebook. Fairly regularly a mom posts complaining about having no friends and wanting to make new friends in real life. Very often people make specific suggestions including offers to meet up. Quite often I do as well. Here is the typical response - the mom will message me full of enthusiasm. Often we'll pick a day and place (usually an easy location like a local playground for our kids to play). And..... no follow up -often no excuses just no follow up. Or game playing like yesterday - she wanted to meet at our park, I told her when we'd be there, and her response was "ok tell me when you'll be there". I repeated when. Never heard from her. That is typical. Emergencies happen of course, But, just like you, it's complain/all talk/no real follow through. So either that mom (or you) really doesn't want friends that badly and/or she doesn't want to put in the actual effort to show up at the planned place at the planned time. And it does take effort. And it's worth it if you truly want the goal.

 

And i get rewarded for it every day -and you will too if you stop the silly excuses of "I'd be cold if I was just professional". Oh please.

 

I would not cut yourself slack on that -the way to be kind to yourself is to not take the easy way out and "try" and pretend like if you don't chase your crush you'll be "cold" and "not yourself". That's why it's disingenuous of you to complain about being single and lonely.

[Alex39]

Work guy just sent me a snapchat. His legs on a machine at the gym with the caption. "I think I am delusional. But I think the hottest girl at the gym likes me because she keeps walking past me."

 

Wow.

[Batya33]

Work guy just sent me a snapchat. His legs on a machine at the gym with the caption. "I think I am delusional. But I think the hottest girl at the gym likes me because she keeps walking past me."

 

Wow.

 

Why is this "wow?" This is exactly who he is and who he always has been. He enjoys sending you and probably others texts that report on what's going on with him at the moment and because you respond he assumes you enjoy hearing about his life in that detail. You're one of the "girls" that laps it all up and incentivizes him. Maybe the "hottest girl" (how.... objectifying) will join you in basking in his attention too.

[katrina1980]

Why is this "wow?" This is exactly who he is and who he always has been. He enjoys sending you and probably others texts that report on what's going on with him at the moment and because you respond he assumes you enjoy hearing about his life in that detail. You're one of the "girls" that laps it all up and incentivizes him. Maybe the "hottest girl" (how.... objectifying) will join you in basking in his attention too.

 

Hi B, I think it's "wow" because sadly amk has convinced herself that this bozo is into her, which keeps her hanging on, and stuck. So getting a text like that blows this illusion, and causes her to face reality which stings.

 

The story she's probably telling herself is that he's either "scared," or doesn't want to pursue anything with a girl he works with. Or another story that has nothing to do with *reality.*

 

amkxoxo, said this to you many posts and threads back, but either this guy has some sort of a social disorder such that he has no clue how is words and actions affect others, or he is intentionally messing with you.. Which is mean and sick.

[Batya33]

Hi B, I think it's "wow" because sadly amk has convinced herself that this bozo is into her, which keeps her hanging on, and stuck. So getting a text like that blows this illusion, and causes her to face reality which stings.

 

The story she's probably telling herself is that he's either "scared," or doesn't want to pursue anything with a girl he works with. Or another story that has nothing to do with *reality.*

 

amkxoxo, said this to you many posts and threads back, but either this guy has some sort of a social disorder such that he has no clue how is words and actions affect others, or he is intentionally messing with you.. Which is mean and sick.

 

I think it's probably the latter which is rude of him if the story you told us was accurate -that he said he was into you but couldn't be with you and now knows you are into him too. If he knows that it's not nice to send you messages like that unless he's done that since then and you've responded in a way that makes it seem ok with you. If you have then he's not being mean, he's allowed to assume you're ok with it.

[katrina1980]

And I hope to gawd you ignore that text.

 

Don't try to be funny and clever, hoping he will see how "cute and fun" you are, as you've done previously.

 

You will only look silly and enabling him to continue this nonsense.

 

His mixed and double messages (eg - pulling you into other room and "making out" with you, calling you "wife material", among other things, then essentially taking them back by saying and sending things much like this last text ) are not only confusing, but **cruel** and frankly I am wondering how you could still even *like* him let let alone want a relationship with him. SMH

[katrina1980]

I think it's probably the latter which is rude of him if the story you told us was accurate -that he said he was into you but couldn't be with you and now knows you are into him too. If he knows that it's not nice to send you messages like that unless he's done that since then and you've responded in a way that makes it seem ok with you. If you have then he's not being mean, he's allowed to assume you're ok with it.

 

Batya, the stories she tells herself are things she has made up in her own head. They aren't necessarily based on anything tangible he has said to her although he does send a lot of mixed and double messages.

 

She needs to listen to both messages, or better yet the message much like the one he just sent.