First Date Blues

[Batya33]

Batya, the stories she tells herself are things she has made up in her own head. They aren't necessarily based on anything tangible he has said to her although he does send a lot of mixed and double messages.

 

She needs to listen to both messages, or better yet the message much like the one he just sent.

 

I don't think he has a social disorder nor do I think it's helpful to the OP to provide that kind of diagnosis lest she think she's completely the victim here. He's not into her the way she is into him and he never has been. So he probably is a normal person acting like a jerk to push her away.

[katrina1980]

I don't think he has a social disorder nor do I think it's helpful to the OP to provide that kind of diagnosis lest she think she's completely the victim here. He's not into her the way she is into him and he never has been. So he probably is a normal person acting like a jerk to push her away.

 

Oh I agree he is not into her, which is why I think doing things like making out with her and calling her "wife material" are misleading and cruel -- messing with her!

 

That said, I don't agree suggesting he has a social disorder is unhelpful, he very well might! Doesn't change the fact nothing is ever gonna happen.

 

Disagree he is just a "normal" guy, being a jerk to push her away.

 

His actions are certainly NOT "normal" not in my opinion anyway.

 

They're baffling enough to **suggest** he might have a social disorder - a "normal" man doesn't pull a woman into a room and make out with her, call her wife material, and then turn around and take it back by sending her a text telling her about some hot woman who is into him.

 

And he's been sending her these types of mixed messages for months!

 

Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here by suggesting he is completely clueless because the alternative is again just cruel and actually suggests something much worse than being a jerk.

 

Either way, she is not a victim, she has been aware of his strange and baffling behavior for a very long time and chooses to hang around and continuing engaging regardless.

 

At this point, this is on her, not him, no matter what's going on with him.

[boltnrun]

OP, are you STILL hoping this guy will want to date and have a relationship with you?

[Batya33]

Oh I agree he is not into her, which is why I think doing things like making out with her and calling her "wife material" are misleading and cruel -- messing with her!

 

That said, I don't agree suggesting he has a social disorder is unhelpful, he very well might! Doesn't change the fact nothing is ever gonna happen.

 

Disagree he is just a "normal" guy, being a jerk to push her away.

 

His actions are certainly NOT "normal" not in my opinion anyway.

 

They're baffling enough to **suggest** he might have a social disorder - a "normal" man doesn't pull a woman into a room and make out with her, call her wife material, and then turn around and take it back by sending her a text telling her about some hot woman who is into him.

 

And he's been sending her these types of mixed messages for months!

 

Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here by suggesting he is completely clueless because the alternative is again just cruel and actually suggests something much worse than being a jerk.

 

Either way, she is not a victim, she has been aware of his strange and baffling behavior for a very long time and chooses to hang around and continuing engaging regardless.

 

At this point, this is on her, not him, no matter what's going on with him.

 

I disagree. Many people without social disorders or similar act like jerks and say sweet things that they don't back up with actions (and also they both chose to get drunk that night from what I recall so even though he's responsible for what he says it was probably also because he'd chosen to get drunk and then kiss her).

[Alex39]

I did not respond.

 

Nothing to say. It was rude and heartless to send that to me. I'm hurt. But just further proves I need to disconnect more from him. I like some other guys who haven't treated me in this confising, insensitive way. He's taking advantage of my kindness and liking of him.

 

I'm not a doormat. Yes, I was still hoping he liked me and wanted something, hut I suppose that is long gone now. No other way to see things.

 

I also saw that he and his roommate had a movie night saturday at their house with a bunch of their friends. I was not invited, even as his supposed friend.

 

I'm done with him.

[boltnrun]

I did not respond.

 

Nothing to say. It was rude and heartless to send that to me. I'm hurt. But just further proves I need to disconnect more from him. I like some other guys who haven't treated me in this confising, insensitive way. He's taking advantage of my kindness and liking of him.

 

I'm not a doormat. Yes, I was still hoping he liked me and wanted something, hut I suppose that is long gone now. No other way to see things.

 

I also saw that he and his roommate had a movie night saturday at their house with a bunch of their friends. I was not invited, even as his supposed friend.

 

I'm done with him.

 

I really, really hope you mean it this time.

 

You keep finding excuses to keep flirting and texting ("I don't want to be COLD!!!"), but his lack of interest has been apparent for months.

 

As you are a young, attractive woman, I know other men want to date you. But nothing will happen for you in the romance department if you insist on trying to get this guy to want you.

[katrina1980]

I disagree. Many people without social disorders or similar act like jerks and say sweet things that they don't back up with actions (and also they both chose to get drunk that night from what I recall so even though he's responsible for what he says it was probably also because he'd chosen to get drunk and then kiss her).

 

What do you disagree with? That he *possibly may* have social disorder?

 

Which is all I suggested, I didn't claim he definitely suffered from it. I suggested the possibility.

 

I don't get how you can disagree with that, totally ruling out the possibility, unless you're psychic or something.

 

You know something about this guy we don't?

 

You don't know, any better than I do, or anyone does, what's going on with him and why he behaves as he does.

 

So yeah I stick to what I said. He "possibly may" have a social disorder, he possibly may be a lying deceiving sociopath too, who gets a kick out of messing with women, for all we know.

 

Or he may just be your everday run of the mill jerk.

 

Does it matter? No! Doesn't change the outcome - he does not want a relationship with her.

[Alex39]

Am I done with him? I don't know for sure, in the sense that I see him regularly. But, I know I am done trying with him on my end. He said he wanted to be just friends, but he does not include me as a friend with his friends. I think I have been a really good friend to him, but he ditches me for his friends in a heart beat. He uses me for attention, and I kindly give it. I include him with my friends. I'm done doing that. We aren't friends. He uses me as a work pal, and thats all. I am a much better friend than that. I offer more. He knows it. I am loyal, smart, cute, motivated. I highly value my friends.

 

I'm so hurt right now, because I didn't deserve that. I deserve so much more than what he does. I'm hurt that I feel like he just uses me. He texts me and says "Had a tough day today, make me feel better" and mentions me helping him pick out new clothes. That screams girlfriend vibes to me. And then he acts like such a jerk and like he doesn't like me the next day. I can't chase someone so sporadic. You either do or don't. And so far he hasn't stepped up. I'm mad at him, and that hurts. Why does he do this to me? When all I've done is care about him.

[boltnrun]

Unfortunately, all you've built up inside your head about dating him, having a relationship with him, etc. doesn't exist for him. He has never taken you out on a date, never promised you anything really. I don't agree he "used" you. It's been clear for months that he doesn't feel the way you do, but you chose to continue to pursue him.

 

Maybe he told you about the other girl to make it unequivocally clear that he sees you as a casual friend only.

 

Someone I work with has continued to pursue a man who has been very clear he's gay. I don't know if she thinks she can "turn" him or what, but it's been months and she keeps trying. I'm embarrassed on her behalf because she is so transparent in her interest and his disinterest is not only obvious but not surprising given his sexual orientation. I don't know why she keeps trying.

 

And I don't know why you keep trying with this guy when it's likely there are other really great men who would like to date you.

 

Please don't continue to hurt yourself over this guy.

[katrina1980]

amkxoxo, we could analyze his baffling behavior until hell freezes over, it doesn't matter!

 

It won't change the outcome of this, will it?

 

Try to not focus on him and the why of it.

 

Focus on YOU, and walking away from this nonsense.

 

You're aware now, you "get" it. HE doesn't matter anymore, only you matter.

 

Okay?

 

Be kind to yourself, you're a beautiful girl and yes you *do* deserve better than this craziness.

 

Vow to never accept this type of nonsense again!

[Alex39]

Yes, I am going to try to move on and be kinder to myself. I beat myself up for a lot, which isn't totally my fault, and I shouldn't feel bad about. I've been being myself with him, but he doesn't deserve me in any context. I have to separate and focus on my life. I try to be the best possible person I can be, all the time. I want someone who appreciate me for me. He clearly is only thinking about himself.

 

No more social media, chatting at work, cute teasing. Its over. I refuse to let him hurt me more. And by continuing to put myself in a vulnerable position, I am allowing that.

 

I can't handle any more. And emotionally am drained. We had such a good day this past Thursday, but a day here and there in the workplace is nothing compared to the countless opportunities and doors I've left open for him, that he has denied. And the one time, I forgot to open the door, he opens it and kisses me, and then backs off. He reminds me so much of my ex, its insane, and I need to keep in perspective, why he is my ex, and how I don't want that ever again.

[katrina1980]

Yes, I am going to try to move on and be kinder to myself. I beat myself up for a lot, which isn't totally my fault, and I shouldn't feel bad about. I've been being myself with him, but he doesn't deserve me in any context. I have to separate and focus on my life. I try to be the best possible person I can be, all the time. I want someone who appreciate me for me. He clearly is only thinking about himself.

 

No more social media, chatting at work, cute teasing. Its over. I refuse to let him hurt me more. And by continuing to put myself in a vulnerable position, I am allowing that.

 

I can't handle any more. And emotionally am drained.

 

Maybe it's my mood, but this post nearly moved me to tears, seriously.

 

So proud of you!!

 

Don't fall back, you're doing great.

 

((HUGS))

[Batya33]

Yes, I am going to try to move on and be kinder to myself. I beat myself up for a lot, which isn't totally my fault, and I shouldn't feel bad about. I've been being myself with him, but he doesn't deserve me in any context. I have to separate and focus on my life. I try to be the best possible person I can be, all the time. I want someone who appreciate me for me. He clearly is only thinking about himself.

 

No more social media, chatting at work, cute teasing. Its over. I refuse to let him hurt me more. And by continuing to put myself in a vulnerable position, I am allowing that.

 

I can't handle any more. And emotionally am drained. We had such a good day this past Thursday, but a day here and there in the workplace is nothing compared to the countless opportunities and doors I've left open for him, that he has denied. And the one time, I forgot to open the door, he opens it and kisses me, and then backs off. He reminds me so much of my ex, its insane, and I need to keep in perspective, why he is my ex, and how I don't want that ever again.

 

I am proud of you and he shouldn't be compared to someone you dated - especially seriously -you have no idea how he is in a romantic relationship. There was no "good day" as far as in a relationship context because you two are not in a romantic relationship. He's made it clear from the beginning that he is not interested in dating you with potential for a relationship. You agreed to keep up the banter/flirting and to kiss him, etc. He acted like a jerk when he was unreliable and in continuing to flirt this much knowing how interested you are in him. I kissed a number of men I had no or little interest in being in a relationship with (but never told them they were husband material!). And you are right to stop being a jerk to yourself and cut him off completely.

[Wiseman2]

Can you remain friendly and professional in a coworker type of way? He has never hurt you. He has only been a coworker crush who was friendly perhaps a bit flirty and socializing with you a bit. There was never a relationship or dating. There was never a rejection. He just did not do what you hoped and fantasized about.

I refuse to let him hurt me more. We had such a good day this past Thursday, but a day here and there in the workplace is nothing compared to the countless opportunities and doors I've left open for him.

[Batya33]

Can you remain friendly and professional in a coworker type of way? He has never hurt you. He has only been a coworker crush who was friendly perhaps a bit flirty and socializing with you a bit. There was never a relationship or dating. There was never a rejection. He just did not do what you hoped and fantasized about.

 

I think he did hurt her by telling her she was wife material, making out with her, knowing full well she was interested in dating and then continuing to be flirtatious -at some point that is unfair leading on.

[Alex39]

Yes Batya, he did hurt me. It is all so confusing. Why do and say those things, and now we have this weird work friendship. It is hurtful.

 

He said something today which was interesting to me. He, myself, and another guy we are friends with were talking about dating. The two guys were saying how they weren't looking and trying to just make money and make their lives better. And he says how he isn't looking and never does and he thinks that when time is right that the right girl will just be there. The other guys agreed. I chuckled and said how they were such boys. He turned to me and said how they were men and that most of the guys out there trying are trying for a one night stand and how its mature to want to save money and be responsible first.

 

I agreed. But inside, I didn't totally agree. I'm a great girl, and I'm just going to wait around for him and be there when he is ready? Or some magical girl is going to just pop out of the sky when he is ready? I think not. It just doesn't work like that.

 

The other day, something interesting happened. He came in and I was at my desk. I ignored him. Was very precise. Barely speaking. Just being professional with the job. Answering when I needed to and not else.

 

I go away to go to a meeting, and he stops me. He asks me if I am okay? I say yes. He asks again and asks me if anything has happened. I again say no, and say I am fine. He insists that I don't seem 100%. I again tell him I am okay.

 

I appreciated his sentiment, but also found it frustrating, like what I am not 100% because I am not fawning all over you?

 

 

The whole rest of the day, he was coming over to my desk, asking me for help, and being extra friendly.

[boltnrun]

P!ease don't take that as him being interested in dating you. He noticed you're acting different because you ARE acting different. But that doesn't mean anything.

[Alex39]

I know it doesn't. I am just surprised he caught on quickly and said something about it.

 

He keeps asking me about what I am doing this weekend and looking for fun spots to go since it is cinco de mayo. Just using me for ideas he can go to with his friends, per usual.

 

I told him his hair looked nice today. It did. I was honest. Meant nothing, but hair.

 

I wish I wasn't so hurt by him. I care for him. I want him to be happy. It hurts me to be around him. Because its a constant reminder that we are platonic and he doesn't want me.

 

But then today, he makes the comment about getting his stuff together and wanting to be financially ready for a good girl and he isn't. And I respect that. I deserve more than what he offers right now, so the fact that he isn't in that place, should show me that he isn't the one right now. He may not be the one at all. And it is what it is. But it hurts, a lot.

 

He looks at me with this look, his eyes, are the most adorable thing I ever seen. His smirk, and his eyes. Its mischievously, cute, lite up. That is the only way I can describe it.

 

I'm just dwelling on what isn't. I've been so positive lately and focused on me. Just have to keep it up.

[Batya33]

What he said about relationships has nothing to do with you or his intentions towards you. Please do not make this about you. He's not asking you to wait for him.

[Alex39]

I know this. I truly do. I knew it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Nothing ever does with him. The other day he asked "Hey, what are you doing on Saturday"

 

I got so excited for a second. Sounded like a proposition for plans on a weekend. And he was specifically asking me. It was great. Then he went on to ask about places with fun things to do and he wants to day drink and have fun and he was curious as to what I was doing.

 

And then my excitement died. He knows I know fun. So of course he would ask. He wants to go with his friends. Shocker.

[Batya33]

In a movie before you were born Matt Dillon calls out to a classmate “hey want to go to a move Saturday night?” She’s all excited and says yes. He calls out “ok have a great time!” I think I have that right. You continue to play with fire by bantering with him. Obviously the thrill of it outweighs his constant confirmation by his words or silence that he is not interested in you in that way. You say you know. Your actions say otherwise.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately this seems to be the entire situation. You hope for a date and he keeps it in the coworker, friend zone.

And then my excitement died. He knows I know fun. So of course he would ask. He wants to go with his friends.

[Batya33]

Unfortunately this seems to be the entire situation. You hope for a date and he keeps it in the coworker, friend zone.

 

His actions have always been consistent as far as never asking her out on a date or accepting a date she asked for. When he kissed her they were out with a group.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry if it seemed out of order. The post was intended for and responding to the OP.

[Alex39]

Yes, we were out in a group the night of the kiss. It was strange, because he didn't blatantly kiss me in front of everyone, he pulled me aside, but he wasn't hiding it throughout the night. He was kissing me on the cheek and continuously buying me drinks in front of his friends and mine. I remember my friends from across the bar seeing him kiss me on the cheek in front of his best friend. I remember being so shocked by it, that I couldn't move for a second after he ran off. It was a gutsy move.

 

But in hindsight, I guess the friends were equally priority. He admitted he avoids me outside of work, because he doesn't want anything serious right now.

 

But yes, he keeps me in the friend zone, and its terrible, because there is tension between us, sometimes more, sometimes less. I've been trying to lessen it, and so far it seems to be working. I don't tease him as much as I did. He notices for sure. I've even been using that as a joke, but not towards him. I tell him, I felt like I had something snarky to say, and he tells me to say it, but I tell him that I am trying to be nicer so I won't. Not being all teasing and all over each other has lessened the tension. But I hate it, because I sort of miss it. When we do flirt and such, our chemistry is uncanny. And I love it. But I realized it wasn't doing anything for me and he wasn't making a move so better to distance myself, even when I don't like it. It will probably be better for me in the long run.