First Date Blues

[Batya33]

Well yeah if the date involved tickets to an event or something, that would be confirmed prior to the day of.

 

Also, while I said I would accept a last minute date if I were free, that doesn't mean I was always free!

 

Often I was not free, and we would "mutually" decide on another day that worked for both of us.

 

I only mentioned it because there are some women (not you necessarily) who would not accept a last minute date even if she were free.

 

Simply based on some antiquated notion that if a man is interested, he "should" ask her out three times prior or something.

 

I don't happen to believe in that "rule" that's all.

 

I did not accept last minute dates unless we were already dating regularly . I was not free most of the time and if I was technically free I didn't consider myself free - I'd rather have a date with me than someone who treated me as an afterthought while getting to know me (yes I saw it that way). In all my dating I never ever regretted it and several men chose to stop being so "spontaneous" (i.e. lazy/not wanting to put in the effort to plan to see me in advance) and stepped up to the plate. One even asked me if the following year on that date I'd be available to marry him. I was very polite about declining and didn't lecture about my expectations -I had no interest in teaching a man how to treat me by lecturing. I simply said "oh I'd love to but I'm busy" and once in awhile "I'd love to but I usually make my weekend plans by Wednesday".

 

It's not antiquated at all to me -I want to see a person put in the effort and think I am special enough to make advance plans with -because I was looking for marriage and first impressions meant even more to me-told me a whole lot about how I'd be treated in the futre. It's how I treat others as well. Not a rule as much as values and standards.

[katrina1980]

No right or wrong B. You did what worked and felt right for you, and I do what works and feels right to me.

[Batya33]

No right or wrong B. You did what worked and felt right for you, and I do what works and feels right to me.

Yes. We all have different standards and it’s important to be true to them. I mostly followed The Rules but I started following them in the early 80s about ten years before they were written. I didn’t agree with all of them but loved how rules like that made me have the right perspective and stay grounded even when I was insecure or really excited about someone new. It was hard to be “myself “ when I felt that way so an external guideline was so helpful. Several of my friends who didn’t follow the rules would end up with casual sex partners and some got cynical because while trying to be accommodating and spontaneous they wished on some level that the guy would want to put in the effort to plan a date in advance. Others enjoyed being open to last minute plans.

 

Most didn’t or just tolerated it. Or complained later on about how they felt taken for granted. Obviously there were exceptions - last minute tickets to a really cool event or concert or last minute change of plans to an earlier flight home etc. but in general I found that guys who were really into a girl didn't risk being spontaneous by asking out a gal last minute. They often were spontaneous about planning activities like a picnic or a road trip etc. so for the OP I wouldn’t focus on what he plans but rather how he respects your time by being willing to plan a day to see you in advance and showing up on time or having a good reason if he is late.

[boltnrun]

I would explore why it is so absolutely vital to you that every man you date or even just text with MUST like you and want to date you. And why, if they don't, you get so anxious.

 

Just like you, some will "like" you and want to date you and some won't. It's just the way it is. But you're really doing a number on yourself with the way you keep doing things.

[maew]

Well yeah if the date involved tickets to an event or something, that would be confirmed prior to the day of.

 

Also, while I said I would accept a last minute date if I were free, that doesn't mean I was always free!

 

Often I was not free, and we would "mutually" decide on another day that worked for both of us.

 

I only mentioned it because there are some women (not you necessarily) who would not accept a last minute date even if she were free.

 

Simply based on some antiquated notion that if a man is interested, he "should" ask her out three days prior or something.

 

I don't happen to believe in that "rule" that's all.

 

My attitude is why make dating more difficult than it already is by imposing all these arbitrary "rules"?

 

When I like a guy, I prefer to work "with" him, not against him by imposing all these rules like the "three day rule" and others.

 

I have my own set of standards (which are quite high actually) and values; I also like men and trust them (generally) until they give me reason not to.

 

Bottom line, if I like him and am available, I go, simple as that.

 

And as I said, some of the best dates I've had have been scheduled last minute and have led to LTRs also.

 

Katrina I am like you... very easy going, I don't like planning, my personality is very go with the flow, so I often accept spur of the moment dates. That being said, I am a busy gal so they soon find out that always being spur of the moment is risky if they want to spend time with me so it usually ends up balancing out.

[katrina1980]

Katrina I am like you... very easy going, I don't like planning, my personality is very go with the flow, so I often accept spur of the moment dates.

 

That being said, I am a busy gal so they soon find out that always being spur of the moment is risky if they want to spend time with me so it usually ends up balancing out.

 

Same maew. And heck, there have been times I just didn't (don't) feel like going out even if I have no plans, so will turn down an invite but reschedule for another day. But if I'm feeling good, I like him and am available, I will accept.

 

I guess for me, I just don't see the point of turning down a man's invite simply because he didn't call me three days prior, to me that just seems silly, but to each her own.

 

I don't need for him to "prove" how interested he is.

 

And even if I did, calling me in advance wouldn't really prove that anyway.

 

I've had men ask me out up to a week in advance and then spend the entire date trying to convince me to have sex with him!

 

So no I am not gonna judge a man's interest level based on that.

 

I gauge his interest level on how he treats me during our actual dates and how we're interacting and connecting.

 

Just as he gauges my interest level based on the same criteria.

[Batya33]

Katrina I am like you... very easy going, I don't like planning, my personality is very go with the flow, so I often accept spur of the moment dates. That being said, I am a busy gal so they soon find out that always being spur of the moment is risky if they want to spend time with me so it usually ends up balancing out.

 

Yes, I was easy going too as far as last minute plans -especially on weekend date nights - if i could and if we were regularly dating. I usually couldn't so it usually was a non-issue.

[Batya33]

Same maew. And heck, there have been times I just didn't (don't) feel like going out even if I have no plans, so will turn down an invite but reschedule for another day. But if I'm feeling good, I like him and am available, I will accept.

 

I guess for me, I just don't see the point of turning down a man's invite simply because he didn't call me three days prior, to me that just seems silly, but to each her own.

 

I don't need for him to "prove" how interested he is.

 

And even if I did, calling me in advance wouldn't really prove that anyway.

 

I've had men ask me out up to a week in advance and then spend the entire date trying to convince me to have sex with him!

 

So no I am not gonna judge a man's interest level based on that.

 

I gauge his interest level on how he treats me during our actual dates and how we're interacting and connecting.

 

Just as he gauges my interest level based on the same criteria.

 

I didn't need him to prove anything. I needed him to want to put in the effort to make an advance plan with me and think of me enough so that he wanted to make sure I was available, especially on a weekend night. If I wasn't enough of a priority to make advance plans with that didn't bode well for our future. when my husband was interested in getting back together with me he called me to hang out platonically three days in advance because he wanted to get theater tickets for us and before the day when we got back together he asked me out 2 weeks in advance -he knew he would be out of town, he knew I was making birthday-related plans and that he'd only be in town a short time. So he didn't want to risk missing out.

 

Also when I was dating it actually helped that men couldn't get in touch by cell or internet -they had to call and find you at home or leave a voicemail. So many called before Wednesday to make sure that there was contact by Wednesday if they wanted a weekend night date.

 

anyway especially when making a first impression I think it's important for the person doing the asking out to show that the other person is important to them and a priority. Making plans in advance shows that. And of course the priority should continue throughout so that even if you then know you're going to spend every weekend together or every wednesday, you let each other know in advance if the plan changes and you don't do "spontaneous" where it affects the other person's ability to make alternate plans. And to me the groundwork for that is laid in the beginning of dating -gives a lot of information the way plans are handled by both people.

[katrina1980]

 

I didn't need him to prove anything.

 

I needed him to want to put in the effort to make an advance plan with me and think of me enough so that he wanted to make sure I was available, especially on a weekend night.

 

Sorry B but these two comments contradict each other.

 

Needing him to ask you out in advance to make sure he thought enough of you = needing him to prove his interest.

 

Just own it, it's what you needed which is fine!

 

It's not what I need, I gauge his interest by using other criteria, but who cares?

 

We all have our own styles and things we need that work for us.

[mustlovedogs]

Just hearing about these spontaneous date ideas is stressful to me... I am definitely a planner!

 

But I wish I could go with the flow a little more. So when I get spontaneous invites I try and accept if I’m doing nothing.

[katrina1980]

Just hearing about these spontaneous date ideas is stressful to me... I am definitely a planner!

 

But I wish I could go with the flow a little more. So when I get spontaneous invites I try and accept if I’m doing nothing.

 

I am the opposite and actually prefer them sometimes.

 

When something is planned I tend to stress about how I feel that day, what will I wear, etc. etc., etc.!

 

When it's spontaneous I have no time to over-think and stress!

 

I don't subscribe to any sort of pre-conceived notion that when a man asks for a spontaneous date, he somehow values me less or doesn't think highly of me.

 

It's just not where my mind goes, and I have never found it to be true.

 

I don't think it means much anyway, I mean it takes no real effort for a man to make an advance plan, he picks up the phone and either calls or texts for a date.

 

He may have called five women before you and they all turned him down for all you know.

 

He also may be going through a dry spell and simply wanted to ensure he had something lined up for the weekend.

 

I have never understood that "rule" but hey if it works for some women, who am I to judge?

 

I just do what works best for me.

[Batya33]

Sorry B but these two comments contradict each other.

 

Needing him to ask you out in advance to make sure he thought enough of you = needing him to prove his interest.

 

Just own it, it's what you needed which is fine!

 

It's not what I need, I gauge his interest by using other criteria, but who cares?

 

We all have our own styles and things we need that work for us.

 

No it's not about proving interest. Nothing to prove. It's about being the type of person who wants to treat another person in the way I described - and not to prove anything to me -just to be himself - I don't believe in "proof" -I don't like when people say "he has to earn my trust- he has to prove he is trustworthy" -ick. Nothing to own.

 

I knew that men who asked me out last minute by definition didn't think of me enough in advance to make a plan and weren't concerned about missing out on the opportunity to see me. That was a fact not an opinion. Even the "spontaneous" guys who actually wanted to see me asked me out in advance and were spontaneous in other ways. People move towards pleasure and away from pain. So if he actually felt interested he'd change his more superficial habit of last minute plans. I think it takes much more effort to make an advance plan and if he had no social life and never had plans that would of course be a separate issue to consider.

 

It means he is willing to forego something "better" coming up after Wednesday, he is willing right then to plan the rest of his weekend around his other plans and responsibilities and that he thinks enough of you not to want you (the genereral "you") to be too busy to see you or be snapped up by some other guy who asked first. I know when I make plans in advance it takes much more effort than fitting someone in last minute -which is totally fine in certain situations "If you're ever free for lunch last minute give me a call" for example.

 

But if last minute plans was a value of his and ingrained in him more deeply and he only wanted a long term relationship with someone who'd be available last minute because it just wasn't a priority to him to make plans in advance then he and I wouldn't be compatible. I never met a guy who felt that strongly such that he was willing to forego making date plans in advance especially with someone new in his life. My husband is not a huge fan of scheduling (unlike me) but he does it regularly when the benefits are worth it -like planning our vacations, planning dates with me when we were dating, planning a fun activity for our son that requires advance planning I couldn't be with someone who wasn't willing to make advance plans in order to reap the benefits. I like traveling, used to go to cultural activities constantly that required purchasing tickets and committing to the plan, etc. If a guy showed his last minute values up front I'd be concerned about how we'd work together as a couple (I guess you elope last minute LOL and hope your marriage license is still effective!). And it's not fair to expect Last Minute Guy to become a planner if it ever matters to the woman involved IMO.

 

I was never doing "nothing" when I was asked out last minute by someone I wasn't yet dating seriously because whatever I was doing or not doing was treating myself better than being treated like an afterthought (again with exceptions -I gave examples above). 99% of the time I was already busy anyway so moot point. Of course it's fine if a woman says "feel free to always call me last minute -I never really have set plans anyway" -then she's telling him in advance how to treat her and what is ok with her -just like when a woman tells a man she is comfortable with sex outside of commitment or casual sex or whatever might be slightly outside the typical behavior of someone who wants a long term relationship. As long as she doesn't complain later about feeling taken for granted.

 

Sorry to write a book. The OP seems to want to be valued in the way that comes from advance plans. But she also seems to settle for being Last Minute Girl. And then complains about it.

[katrina1980]

Didn't read your entire post B (sorry) as it appeared repetitive but I hear you and as I said if that is how you felt, what you preferred, and needed, then that's fine, I'm not here to debate with you about what you (or anyone else) needs and your reality.

 

My expereriences have been different that's all. Not my reality.

 

For me it's more like what maew said -- *a balance.*

 

A man would ask me out in advance (more often than not actually) but I was *also* open to spontaneous if I was available.

 

If I was not available, we would reschedule. That's it, easy peasey.

 

I didn't delve too deeply into the "whys" of it, I knew he liked me, wanted to see me and yes valued me. And we'd have a great time, interacting and connecting.

 

That is how *I* personally gauge interest - how "we" interact and connect on the actual date. Our energy.

 

It's not just him showing interest (and valuing me), or me showing interest, we are in this together, we *both* show interest, remaining open and flexible to the various and changing nuances.

 

Including understanding that schedules can change and being open to a spontaneous date. Him too!

 

Can you understand and respect this Batya?

 

That different people have different styles and as such do things differently from you? And not attaching something negative to it, like a man who asks for a spontaneous date doesn't value me or any woman he fails to ask out 2-3 days in advance?

 

That's just not my reality, again I hope you can understand and respect that as I respect your style and choices.

 

This thread sort of got side-tracked with our own stories, but yeah this is about the OP.

 

She appears to be on the right track (yay!) recognizing where she went wrong previously and learning, which is awesome!!

 

So happy to read this!

 

As she starts actively dating interested men, and stops chasing men who aren't, I have no doubt she will find the right balance and what works *for her* in her dating experiences.

 

Good luck amkxoxo!

 

ETA: B, if you have more to say, probably best to shoot me a PM so we don't continue hijacking.

And my apologies to amk for doing that.

[Batya33]

I’ve written many times that people should do what works for them. When I’m asked for my personal opinion I give it. This particular one is based on substantial personal experience and indirect experience over many years. Doesn’t make it right but gives context. I don’t think a guy should have to prove his level of interest - I can’t stand that kind of dynamic.I'm not sure why a strong opinion is seen as not respecting others' opinions -apples and oranges.

 

The OP lies to herself a lot about what she wants. Then blames the guy for "leading her on". She settles for scraps with excuses like "I tried but I couldn't help it". She seems to like advance plans and seems not to like being Last Minute Girl. So my opinion might help her. So might others.

 

I believe in balance too. I don't believe balance requires settling for a new guy in a woman's life calling her last minute and the woman feeling like she should be "spontaneous" because she is doing "nothing" and accept the last minute plan if it goes against her values and standards of how she wants to be treated. I do believe as I wrote that there are rare exceptions where the last minute is based on other factors other than the guy's habit of calling last minute for a Saturday night date when he could have called earlierr but didn't bother with putting in the extra effort. "Balance" is a vague term and depends on the individual situation. I don't think the OP has shown much in the way of balance -she chases unavailable men in a one-sided manner.

[katrina1980]

Batya wrote:

 

>> I knew that men who asked me out last minute by definition didn't think enough of me in advance to make a plan and weren't concerned about missing the opportunity to see me. That was a *fact* not an *opinion.*

 

Your own words.

 

I chose to see it differently. These were not first dates after all, we'd been out several times, it had already been established that we liked each other *thought enough of each other.*

 

In most cases, they simply had a schedule change last minute and thought enough of me to want to see me.

 

And if I was available, I would happily accept and not attach anything negative to it, such as he didn't think enough of me. As there was not anything negative about it. My experience.

 

If I wasn't available we would reschedule.

 

My male neighbor recently asked me out spontaneously. First date.

 

I have been running into him lately and chatting; the other night we ran into each other again, and he said "I know it's last minute but are you doing anything later, can I buy you a drink or a bite to eat"?

 

It was so easy, causal and genuine, right up my alley!! I love those types of spontaneous dates quite frankly.

 

Anyway, I had plans so we are going out Sunday but I'm not sitting here thinking he doesn't value me or think enough of me because he asked spontaneously.

 

In fact, it's the opposite, I think he is interested in me based on how he's been interacting with me and asked me out.

 

And I'm looking forward to seeing him and getting to know him better on Sunday!

[Batya33]

I think that's fine what your neighbor said especially if it's during the week. And he recognized it was last minute which showed respect IMO What I was thinking about more was if you are first dating someone and he wants a weekend date with you (typically weekends are more date nights, more when people are busy) he will make sure to ask you out in advance to make sure you are available because that is how much he values wanting to see you. I am referring to men with the attitude that it's ok to ask a lady out last minute for a weekend date because he is "spontaneous" and that all else equal she should be available to see him last minute and that there's no reason for him to put in the extra effort to make an advance plan, especlally if he tries that approach once and she is busy. Asking is fine especially since many women settle for being last minute girl (meaning women who do settle not women like you who are cool with it) -so when I was dating a lot of men had gotten used to women being ok with it and therefore why put in the extra effort. It was fine to ask. I wasn't the person who was going to go on the date though. I never gave up an opportunity to date a man who was interested in me by sticking to my values. I did know and know of many women who wouldn't make plans with friends because "he" might call last minute or drop plans they made if he called last minute.

[katrina1980]

amkxoxo, wondering how this all panned out!

 

Can you update???

[Alex39]

Yes, sorry, things have been insane the last few days. I really enjoyed reading all of your posts here. Its interesting the different experiences people have had with being asked out. I myself, do like a few days ahead. Because if you make a half plan with me, and someone else comes along and makes a half plan, such as my friends, then I have to choose in the end, which kind of stinks. So I have guy #1 who asked me on Wednesday for Saturday, but didn't make a plan. We talked all after Wednesday too. Thursday, another guy, guy #2 asked me for the weekend, no particular day in mind. Told me he would reach out friday to make a plan. He never did until late friday night.

 

Guy #1 talked to me friday and I brought up a plan. He said sorry and that we would definitely do something saturday night, and he had a few places in mind etc...

 

Saturday comes, and both guys are texting me. Guy # 1 made it clear that we were going out for sure first. So guy #1 got me Saturday night. Guy # 2 asks me what I am up to. I tell him I am grabbing drinks with friends. He then tells me how he was free and his friends weren't around so he wanted to see what I was up to. I tell him that I was busy unfortunately.

 

Guy #2 gave me the worst impression. Essentially you just told me that because your friends weren't around that you would go out with me as a last resort.

 

So guy # 1 texts me a time and place later on to grab drinks. We meet and it went very well. He and I laughed and chatted all night. We were both engaged and our personalities clicked well. He had something funky going on with his hair, but cute face, and nice personality. Last night, he asked me if we could go out for brunch tomorrow, now today. I said sure, so he said he might message me some time today and mentioned a place we would go. Overall it was good.

 

For those of you, most of you here that follow my other threads, you know I really like my co-worker.

 

Things have gotten interesting lately.

 

So he only works two days a week. One of the days he does NOT work, was my birthday in the office. We usually have a little cake and celebration. My friend/co-worker is his boss. He is suddenly asking her if he can come in that day, my birthday. She says sure, not thinking anything of it and thinking he wants to pick up some extra hours.

 

We are texting and I call him out on it. He claims he is coming in for me, and jokingly, the cake.

 

Friday night, I planned a fun night out at a bar with my friends. I invite him, and tell him he can bring any of his friends too. I am having a good time with my friends, and he keeps periodically texting me telling me how long until they get there, and how many people are coming, and keeping me posted the whole way. They finally show up and he and his roommate and friend come to see me. We are laughing. He orders me a drink. We are having a good time. A little while later, I am talking to just his roommate. He comes over right near my ear, and he asks my permission if he can go outside with some of the other guys to go smoke a cigarette. He doesn't smoke usually, but he just wanted to once. I'm confused as to why he is asking my permission. Then he says "Will you see me any differently if I go and do that?"

 

I tell him he can go do what he wants and I don't like it for me, but he is his own person. He kisses me on the cheek and runs off with the other guys. I was stuck frozen and a little taken back, like what happened?

 

His roommate saw the whole thing. I ask his roommate what is up with him? He says nothing. A little while later, I was talking to his roommate about drinks and this type of shot that is so good, etc... I wasn't saying I wanted it, I was just talking about how good it was and he has to try it. He must have either overheard or his roommate told him, because he went to the bar, unbeknownst to me, and was making sure they made them for us and for me, because it was my birthday and he wanted me to have what I wanted. I only knew this, because my girl friend grabbed me aside and told me he went to the bar and wanted it for me to make me happy.

 

A while later, we are all in a circle and talking about going to get some food. Some rough guys at the bar, accidentally hit me in the back of the head, hard. I was seeing stars for a few minutes. Everyone was around me and asking if I was okay. He kept checking my eyes, for a concussion, though I actually do think I had one.

 

Then he makes some excuse to pull me into the back hallway with him, he grabs me and kisses me. We kiss for a while, then pull back and start talking about what is going on with us.

 

He tells me he does like me and I tell him I like him too. He tells me he wants everything to stay the same for right now. Our friendship and working together. He says I am "wife." He tells me I am wife material and he has always looked for that and has looked for someone like me. He said something about having children. He tells me how I am smart, and I think for myself and we connect so well. I agreed with him. He said it wasn't a forever thing. He hadn't lived here quite a years and he was trying to figure out his life. It had nothing to do with me, and how he felt about me. It was him. He said he wouldn't want to ruin anything and mess things up for us now, because we might have a shot in the future, and he doesn't see us being forever friends. He told me he was avoiding hanging out with me alone, and how I called him out on it a few weeks ago, and I was right. He tells me how he has been telling his roommate all about me, and his roommate knows everything and he usually isn't like that, but he couldn't help talking to him about it. And his other friend knows too. So that whole time I was chatting it up with his roommate, his roommate knew all about me and his feelings for me. He tells me how he isn't some play boy. He only has been with his two past serious girlfriends and that is it, and just because he isn't seeing me, he isn't off meeting other girls and hooking up. That isn't what he wants instead of me. He told me he wanted me to know he wasn't that type of man.

 

When we finally come out from the hallway, his friends had left him at the bar, so my friends drove he and I back to my place, and left he and I off there. He came up and we chatted and hung out. We laughed and had a really comfortable time. It was comfortable, him being here. We made out some more, and I did ask him to stay. But we talked about it, and said that it leads to other things, and we both didn't want that tonight. He told me that he thinks he should go home, and that if he stayed this wouldn't be the type of relationship he would want with me and he wouldn't want to start something with me this way. He would want it to be the right way. So he insisted on leaving. I was grateful he did the next morning.

 

He kissed me goodbye before he left, and that was it.

 

He texted me the next day, and asked if I was mad at him. I told him that I was glad he went home, and I wasn't that type of girl, and I was sorry I gave him the impression I was. I told him how I value our friendship and though we don't see eye to eye, and I want more than what he is willing to give, I am not mad at him, and we can continue on with the friendship we have built.

 

He said he was so happy we could still be good friends, and he valued the connection we have forged and wants to continue it as is for right now.

 

I found out from a friend of mine, who goes to school with him, that he apparently is so low on money. So low that he is backed up in paying his rent, and hasn't been paying it. It all makes sense now. He has been frantic about finding a new place to live for his next year, and if he can't pay his rent, then there is no way he would ever be able to take me out for a dinner, thus avoiding going out with me. But no guy wants to seem poor and not manly to a girl.

 

He told me he had thought about and had been wanting to kiss me for a while. I told him I felt the same way. A part of me wished he never kissed me. Or not never, but he shouldn't have. He kissed me, then immediately told me he wants nothing to change at all. And I am supposed to just ease right back into our friendship like nothing happened? He obliterated out friendship when he kissed me. I did let him know, I don't go around kissing my friends. He agreed, and said he didn't either. I am just trying at this point to move on, forget it even happened, and try and just act as we were before. I made it clear to him, that I would never put my job in jeopardy regardless of what happened between us and I would never want to put his in danger either.

[Batya33]

Here's how I see what he is saying. He doesn't want a relationship with you right now. He might in the future. He says he doesn't want to jeopardize the potential future but yet he makes out with you so his actions are inconsistent with his words. I would listen to the words he said about not wanting a relationship with you right now. Who cares why -could be a million reasons but all that matters is he is choosing to risk you being snapped up by another guy. And as you wrote recently he has an online dating profile right? So he might not be looking just to hook up but he is advertising himself as single and looking to meet people. He's not abstaining until he's ready to be with you in a serious way. I think you sent him mixed messages by making out with him and inviting him back to your place even though he doesn't want a relationship with you and you say you are looking for one. Your actions tell him you're comfortable with casual hookups because that is what you did with him that night. It's silly to tell him you're not "that kind of girl" (like the old rap song where she raps "and he asked me if he was my first and I said why do you guys always ask me that??"

 

If you're serious about seeing if there is potential in the future you will keep things 100% platonic, you will stay sober around him, you will stop flirting and playing kissy face and inviting him to your place after drinking. If you do those things you are not prioritizing the future potential, you're more into the drama/hooking up/flirting and being flattered by him throwing you scraps right now. He is going to date others because he is looking to date others so if you play with fire you'll get pretty badly burned.

 

I'd get your head situation checked out as far as a potential concussion. That happened to me once many years ago and I didn't get checked out but probably should have (drunk guys hit me in the back of the head).

 

The guy you met for dinner sounds nice!

[Alex39]

Thank you! Everything you said is what I am thinking too.

 

I'm struggling with the notion of not waiting around for him. I like him more than anyone else I have met. So its hard to forget that and go dating others. My date last night was good with that guy, but I just can't get the kissing out of my head. He literally kissed me, we made out, and he stopped and said "things have to stay the same"

 

Like what? Then don't kiss me. I regret inviting him to my house. I was on a high that he liked me and I liked him. I regret it. I know I made a mistake. I really hope he doesn't think of me differently now. I am praying he doesn't. Now I am super paranoid and overthinking everything I do around or associated with him. It's driving me crazy. I want to leave potential future open and positive and good. He and I do have a great connection, and I think could potentially be something. I was weak. He did the right thing, and I didn't. I get not dating right now. I can't make him change. I immediately want to jump into trying to change him into wanting to date me, but I know I can't. My past experiences have showed me that I can't and it actually makes things worst.

 

I feel stupid now. He and I talked and we said we would not have had sex if he stayed. I made that clear. He did too. I feel so bad now. He confused me, kissing me, telling me he liked me too, and then saying he wanted nothing to change right now.

 

I want to be platonic friends, like we were, I'm so scared to see him at work though, because what if I can't handle it?

[Batya33]

So here's where we don't agree. If you "wait" you are waiting for no reason. He doesn't want a relationship with you. That's all you need to know. Anything can happen in the future and if you're still interested and available if he asks you out for something potentially serious you can consider it then. Right now his existence should have NO bearing on any of your choices.

 

Please do not put this on him for "confusing" you. You kissed him casually. He's never asked you out on a proper date or followed through on you asking him out as you've done several times. You took the risk of making out where there was absolutely nothing between you. There still is nothing between you. You invited him to your birthday, you chose to drink and get tipsy/drunk and chose the consequences. I think you should his words to heart without the "because" part -who cares why he does not want a relationship with you. He doesn't. That is all you need to know. What is inconsistent is what he said about not wanting to be physical because he didn't want a relationship with you and then making out with you. But he didn't "confuse" you. You kissed him knowing he didn't want a relationship with you right now and there's some vague notion -and some flattering things said -about the future. He might be honest that he doesn't plan to sleep around. But he has a dating profile right? He plans to date women who he is interested in -he is not waiting for you in any sense at all.

 

Please don't indulge in starting to blame him again for leading you on. Unless and until he decides he is ready to be with you in a serious way there is nothing to think about or wait for.

[katrina1980]

amkxoxo, what I envision happening is, you guys will continue flirting, he will continue tossing you just enough to keep you in the game, meanwhile he keeps profile up, flirting and dating other women.

 

You will (or should) also continue dating other men. And guy no. 1 sounds very cool!

 

You will eventually get tired of his game (or you should) and begin exclusively dating another man.

 

When this happens, you will have no use for co-worker guy anymore, stop flirting, engaging him, indulging him, giving attention, and it will be "then" HE will start stepping up his game and want to seriously date you.

 

Good luck!!!

[Alex39]

I definitely agree Katrina. I definitely think that will happen. I just want to be happy. I am not looking for just any guy. I want the right guy. I want to connect and not just settle for what comes along. I like work guy so much. And I know I can't do anything about his feelings. I cannot change them, but I wish I could change mine. If I could not feel as strongly about him. I can't not like him. But maybe if I hung back, wasn't as into him, then things would be better. I feel vulnerable. I was vulnerable with him. My own fault. But he knows my feelings now and I feel like he's dangling a string, and has all the power, and as soon as he throws me a bone, I will jump. I hate it. I also keep thinking that if we ever did have something in the future, we have so much history and if we dated, things would be rushed and fail, because we wouldn't be starting from bare bones, we'd already have kissed and been best friends, and it would be bad.

 

I just had a successful second date with the guy from last night. He wanted to take me to lunch today. He's nice, smart, outgoing, and personable. I like him so far, but we haven't really gotten super close. All light hearted early date talk. He kissed me goodbye.

 

I feel guilty, I almost started crying on my way home, because on the one hand I feel so bad for this new guy, because my feelings are so into work guy, and I also feel crappy, because I like work guy so much more than this new guy. I feel like I am forcing myself to go out on these dates to try and move on, but it doesn't feel that great after the fact. I liked that I could not think about work guy while with this guy, but as soon as I leave, it all comes back and my emotions are mixed. Say me and this new guy works out. I also don't want to be in a relationship with him in a month and work guy sees, and then thinks, wow I kissed her last month and we were into each other and she quickly just found someone else. Like I will just settle for anyone. I don't.

[Batya33]

I’ve wirtten to you many times that it’s not about controlling your feelings. Your feelings are your feelings. You only can control your reactions to your feelings. Your feelings for work guy are intense because he doesn’t want you in the same way you want him. He likes flirting with you and drinking with you and making out. And so your feelings are not about him as a person but mostly about his unavailability. I’m glad you went out again with the other guy. If in general you want a serious relationship you will have to be a person who remains interested even if the guy is interested in you.

[Alex39]

Yes, I see what you are saying. I guess I am so anxious and upset, because I don't know how to act around him. We have work tomorrow. He wants us to be exactly how we were before. Before we flirted, teased, and were fun and chemistry was wild. Do I act like that again? Like nothing has changed? Or do I step back, stop the flirting and the chatting him up. He likes the girl I was, and I feel like if I pull back, he won't like me or he will think I changed or things are ruined, because I can't act the same anymore.