First Date Blues

[figureitout23]

Sorry if it came across that way. I assumed anyone I met was dating and trying to date others until we were exclusive, which was usually 6-8 weeks after meeting. If I knew he was ok with casual sex and was sleeping with different people I did not meet him again even though I didn't have sex until months into the relationship. To me it's not low interest at all to date around until committing. I think personally it's smart. You can have high interest in someone you just met or recently met and realize after 6-8 weeks and 6-8 dates that your high interest wasn't based on who he really is or that you're not compatible. And I didn't have 6-8 weeks to invest in a near stranger when I was 35 and wanted marriage and family (or in my 20s, but especially in my 30s). I met men all the time, I was set up all the time and I wasn't going to forego opportunities based on what could be infatuation with someone I didn't know well enough to be exclusive with. Certainly I didn't date men more than 2-3 months without being exclusive or being very very close to that point. There I agree with you -to me that signifies low interest.

 

Wanting to keep meeting and dating others after meeting a new person or going on a handful of dates with one person -to me that's smart - just my personal opinion which I am giving because we're sharing opinions. As I wrote to Katrina I don't care about how other people date so if a woman asked me my opinion I'd give this one. (Or a man). If she didn't I wouldn't. No right or wrong and no reason for me to share what I think or what worked for me. When I was with each new person I focused on that new person. After 6- 8 weeks I felt personally I would know enough to know whether there was future potential so I was comfortable putting all my eggs in one basket. I also didn't discuss who I was dating or any details and didn't appreciate those who asked. It was always assumed we weren't exclusive without "the talk" so we each assumed that if the other was busy she/he might be out with someone else or out with friends -no one's business.

 

I do know I wouldn't be married now to the right person if I'd taken your approach. I am so thankful I met so many men, learned so much about myself and about men and relationships and dating. I am not a person who would have felt comfortable committing to exclusivity after meeting a handful of times and almost all the men I met felt exactly the same way. They always asked and almost all asked after around 6-8 weeks. And never because we were having sex - there was one who asked for exclusivity so I'd have sex with him, basically, That was about 2 months in. That was a mistake on my part and I regret it. I was so blinded by love? infatuation?? who knows. But I had very few sexual partners despite marrying at 42 because of my choices and values so I guess I can live with one being a mistake.

 

Thanks for your response. Potato, potatoe, right?

 

I still disagree about the 'open options' method, again research has been done on it

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201705/online-too-many-dating-choices-decreases-commitment

 

I fully believe it can be harmful if overdone, but truthfully I see see your point. I'm very much a quality over quantity girl. I think that very well may have to do with the fact that I don't have a ticking clock of any sort, Ive already been married and I have a child so I have the luxury to be more casual about it. I think I need to realize that when I give advise.

[Batya33]

@figureitout, yeah I recall a couple of guys in the meet up group I used to participate in who were multi-dating, they just could NOT make up their minds who they liked best!

 

Just like you said, out with girl 1 on Monday and really liked her.

 

Then out with girl 2 on Wednesday and liked her, now confused about how he felt about girl 1!

 

It became ridiculous listening to him, he was looking for one girl to settle with and he was like juggling 3 or 4 and kept changing his mind, back and forth, it became almost laughable.

 

We all advised to choose one and focus only on her for awhile to see where it will lead, he would try but then kept thinking about all the others! And the others he might be missing out on!

 

I've read it's a problem with OLDing too and why commitment phobia has become so prevalent in our society today.

 

Just too many to chose from - and many folks experiencing GIGS.

 

Yes and of course you can stop dating after a first meet and keep thinking of that "dream of someone else" (from the movie You've Got Mail) which also isn't conducive to making a quick decision. I had a hard time keeping them all straight and was very proud of myself for doing so and for not foregoing opportunities to meet potentially good matches especially in my 30s and wanting marriage and family. The fact that I wasn't having casual sex or sex until after we were exclusive was a factor - it meant that we weren't risking STDs or pregnancy or the emotional attachment that can happen from having sex especially that early on. Some can compartmentalize that, I can't.

 

It was hard enough to meet people -no way was I going to restrain myself because of meeting a near stranger a few times. It's all a balance was how I saw it. Certainly if after 3 months of dating I still wasn't sure (or he wasn't) it likely was time to say goodbye. I had one experience like that in 2005. I was ready after around 2 months or less. He wasn't ready at 3 months. He wanted a bit more time. I agreed and then learned about his untreated mental disorder that could have been dangerous for me. He'd gotten help in the past but had decided no more therapy and he thought he was doing better. I saw it in action (I think he set that up on purpose so I'd see) and was freaked out. I ended things then. There is no way I would have known that he still had that level of a disorder earlier on because he'd told me it was way in the past and we hadn't done the activity that triggered it for him until then. Which is normal -you don't get to do all the various activities and experiences with someone after just a month or two.

[dias]

you can't be unattractive and inattentive, pick one dude. 😂

This could come across as a bit condescending but it is true. You have to compensate for your defects somehow.

[Batya33]

Thanks for your response. Potato, potatoe, right?

 

I still disagree about the 'open options' method, again research has been done on it

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201705/online-too-many-dating-choices-decreases-commitment

 

I fully believe it can be harmful if overdone, but truthfully I see see your point. I'm very much a quality over quantity girl. I think that very well may have to do with the fact that I don't have a ticking clock of any sort, Ive already been married and I have a child so I have the luxury to be more casual about it. I think I need to realize that when I give advise.

 

I was also! For me finding quality is not going to happen by putting your eggs in one basket for someone you just met. (for me personally). I wasn't about quantity at all. It was a means to an end. I didn't need it for my ego -certainly didn't need to spend all that time meeting new people. If I wasn't interested in marriage or family I definitely would have met one person at a time for all the practical reasons -or at least weighted it heavily that way meaning I might not have committed after a first meet or a second date but if I met someone I clicked with and had the luxury of time to wait and see, sure I would have. I was very very good at dating -more than one person said so - so it wasn't that stressful but with my demanding career it was extremely time consuming. Just worth it for my marriage/baby goals. I am not sure at all why you thought I was interested in quantity for quantity's sake.

[katrina1980]

I dunno B, again I am glad it worked out for you, but it sounds utterly exhausting.

 

Bless your heart for having the energy (mental, emotional, physical) to deal with all that, while also maintaining a busy career!

 

Fortunately I am dating a great guy now, yeah we met on line, I stopped dating others after I met him (had no desire) but took it slow.

 

Had the formal "exclusivity" talk a few weeks back (I initiated), his response was that he assumed we already were!

[figureitout23]

I am not sure at all why you thought I was interested in quantity for quantity's sake.

 

I didn't. I got the impression you went with quantity because you had a goal to reach.

 

Also, and of course this is simply my impression so please take it with a grain of salt, I think a lot of it was fueled by fear of not reaching your goal. You said you multi dated until your now husband said he wanted exclusivity. It can be seen as keeping ones options open or not putting all your eggs in one basket, but in my eyes, if you're at the point of discussing exclusivity you've grown close enough that you shouldn't still be looking, and if you are I assume its for protection, i.e. I cant be hurt if the guy I really want rejects me because I have 2 others on backup.I mean everyones minds are different but how can I be at the point of exclusivity with a man if I still have a date on Thursday? My mind just doesn't work like that. BUT I will say I have seen on this board where others have said they are perfectly capable of doing that, so again potato, potatoe.

[Batya33]

I didn't. I got the impression you went with quantity because you had a goal to reach.

 

Also, and of course this is simply my impression so please take it with a grain of salt, I think a lot of it was fueled by fear of not reaching your goal. You said you multi dated until your now husband said he wanted exclusivity. It can be seen as keeping ones options open or not putting all your eggs in one basket, but in my eyes, if you're at the point of discussing exclusivity you've grown close enough that you shouldn't still be looking, and if you are I assume its for protection, i.e. I cant be hurt if the guy I really want rejects me because I have 2 others on backup.I mean everyones minds are different but how can I be at the point of exclusivity with a man if I still have a date on Thursday? My mind just doesn't work like that. BUT I will say I have seen on this board where others have said they are perfectly capable of doing that, so again potato, potatoe.

You’re incorrect. I wasn’t still looking while discussing exclusivity. If the person brought it up too early for me - or after a few dates - I often would feel if it was too soon for me to commit. Yes I feared foregoing opportunities to meet better matches if I committed too soon to someone I didn’t know. I also knew of many women who claimed they “just knew “ and acted on it by becoming exclusive right away. A few months later they broke up because of what they chose to overlook or invite because of the excitement of “just knew. ” meanwhile they wasted precious time if they wanted marriage and babies. My approach worked for me because even if I was excited about a near stranger or new person I kept my head in the clouds and feet on the ground by living my life including continuing to meet and date other guys. And I also wasn’t having sex so I didn’t have the complications of health risks or pregnancy risks.

And yes I didn’t risk my whole heart for a new person. Back ups helped me stay grounded. But mostly it was because I felt it was the best approach for me to find a husband who was right for me.

I know of many happy marriages where the couple was exclusive right away or had sex the first oecthey met. That’s cool of course. I’m just talking about what worked for me. Almost everyone I knew multi dated if they were looking for marriage and were out of college (I had a high school sweetheart) because it wasn’t as easy to meet people and unless you met through friends you often were meeting for the first time so it took time to get to know the person. I know in the UK it was different - I had a few dates with a few Brits and they explained it to me. Hard to listen carefully because I was ga ga over the accents lol.

What I don’t relate to at all are people who have multiple sex partners but it is none of my business if single consenting adults want to do that.

[katrina1980]

>> If the person brought it (exclusivity) up too early for me, after a few dates, I often felt it was too soon for me to commit.

 

-----

 

Here we go again, exclusivity does *not* mean committing. Two entirely different things.

 

Exclusivity means focusing only on each other in order to determine if someone is a good fit -- someone we wish to commit to, eventually.

 

Heck, I've been dating my guy for 3.5 months, exclusively, and still don't know whether or not he's the right man for me to "commit" to!

 

Commitment is serious business, certainly not something someone should jump into after only a few dates.

[Batya33]

This is often a bone of contention on these forums but exclusivity is *not* committing.

 

>> If the person brought it (exclusivity) up too early for me, after a few dates, I often felt it was too soon for me to commit.

 

-----

 

Here we go again, exclusivity does not mean committing. Two entirely different things.

 

Exclusivity means focusing only on each other in order to determine if someone is a good fit -- someone we wish to commit to, eventually.

 

Heck, I've been dating my guy for 3.5 months, exclusively, and still don't know whether or not he's the right man to "commit" to!

 

Commitment is serious business, certainly not something someone should jump into after only a few dates.

 

Oh, to me it is very similar. Monogamy is different to me -monogamy meaning "we'll only have sex with each other" but you can date others -that's usually done with a focus on health risks. So when I agreed to exclusivity which -after college or so- was huge for me as I would then not be open to meeting other people - that was part of committing to each other and having serious potential for marriage and if not being in love, darn close. I also see it as different from "I am not dating anyone else right now and will let you know if I want to go on another date so we're "exclusive"" -to me that's still leaving the option open to meet new people and explore whether you want to go on another date. What I meant was "I am not looking to date others" so I had the mindset of -we are a couple and if I go out and am around other guys, even if they are attractive and interested in me I am spoken for. It's also a mindset because of course there are no guarantees -you can I guess fall in love at first sight even if you're married -but if you have a committed mindset you're less likely to be vulnerable. And sure in your heart you are like "I have my one, I am done even looking, I am not blind but seeing an attractive man doesn't trigger a desire to act on anything".

 

I was able to determine if someone new in my life was potentially a good fit without just focusing on him. By the two month mark if I wasn't ready to see long term potential and ready to just focus on him it probably meant we were not a good match overall or our feelings weren't strong enough on one side or the other.

 

I also find that the lightning bolt spark in the beginning while exciting, thrilling and triggers "I can't possibly go on a date with anyone else"- doesn't necessarily correlate to long term potential at all. That's my head in the clouds feet on the ground comment. I'm not saying slow build up of interest is better -in fact it can be worse because then you need 2 people willing to hang in there and give it a chance without that really strong spark at first - but I've seen happy marriages where that happened or in my case friendship caught on fire -long time friends and all of a sudden felt a strong spark - in m case I'd discounted any potential because (1) I had a boyfriend when we first became friends, just didn't see him that way at all; and (2) he was obese and I'd never imagined being attracted to someone that overweight.

 

To me agreeing to be exclusive is "we are now a couple, boyfriend and girlfriend and we're falling in love and want to see if marriage is in the cards in the future".

[katrina1980]

Your last sentence^^ -- well this really explains the differences of opinion re multi-dating.

 

I absolutely do *not* interpret exclusivity the same way --> falling in love and considering marriage. Yikes!

 

No wonder you're so averse to jumping into it quickly!

 

I think I understand now, after all this time, thanks for clarifying!

[Batya33]

Your last sentence^^ -- well this really explains the differences of opinion re multi-dating.

 

I absolutely do *not* interpret exclusivity the same way --> falling in love and considering marriage. Yikes!

 

No wonder you're so averse to jumping into it quickly!

 

I think I understand now, after all this time, thanks for clarifying!

 

So I don't understand then what the "exclusivity" means -is it like this - "we've met once or twice, we click, we like each other and let's clarify that we're just going to focus on each other because we/I don't like the idea of going out with you on a Friday and knowing or thinking you're going out with another gal/guy on Saturday?" - like, what's the point of that arrangement - (I can see monogamy -if you're having sex right away it could feel gross to think one of you will have sex with someone else that week or the next day) - I am absolutely not judging it at all -just not clear on the point? Again I know the Brits do it that way - and it's understood -if you agree to go on a date, and then agree to go on another one, you're not going to go on a date with anyone else again until you two don't see each other anymore. No discussion needed.

 

OP- I personally would keep going down the path you're now on - exploring ways of meeting people, meeting people with an open mind, accepting first meets if you have a few good convos/chat and just keeping things low key until there's more of a reason to be super excited.

[katrina1980]

Exclusivity means what I said earlier, did you miss it?

 

I will repeat -- it means focusing only on each other to determine if someone is a good fit, someone we might wish to commit to, eventually.

 

Versus juggling many simultaneously (multi-dating), giving little bits and pieces of ourselves to many versus all of ourselves to one (at a time), the latter of which fosters intimacy and eventual commitment.

 

I mean do you honestly believe that those who oppose multi-dating, who choose to focus on one at a time, are "falling in love" and "considering marriage" with that person? After only a few dates? Seriously?

 

I'm sorry but imo there is no way to gain clarity re our feelings for one person, when we are juggling many.

 

If you were able to do it, which you obviously were, more power to ya!

 

But I think it's an issue for many, and why GIGS and commitment phobia have become so prevalent in our society today.

 

I mean you read these forums, it's practically become an epidemic!

 

The article linked earlier by figureitout said same thing, and there are many many other such articles all over the Internet as well.

[Batya33]

Exclusivity means what I said earlier, did you miss it?

 

I will repeat -- it means focusing only on each other to determine if someone is a good fit, someone we might wish to commit to, eventually.

 

Versus juggling many simultaneously (multi-dating), giving little bits and pieces of ourselves to many versus all of ourselves to one (at a time), the latter of which fosters intimacy and eventual commitment.

 

I mean do you honestly believe that those who oppose multi-dating, who choose to focus on one at a time, are "falling in love" and "considering marriage" with that person? After only a few dates? Seriously?

 

I'm sorry but imo there is no way to gain clarity re our feelings for one person, when we are juggling many.

 

If you were able to do it, which you obviously were, more power to ya!

 

But I think it's an issue for many, and why GIGS and commitment phobia have become so prevalent in our society today.

 

I mean you read these forums, it's practically become an epidemic!

 

The article linked earlier by figureitout said same thing, and there are many many other such articles all over the Internet as well.

 

No I never wrote that at all. And I don't agree that you can't get to know a new person well unless you're just dating or looking to date that person. It's strange to me how you use the word "oppose" -it has nothing to do with for or oppose -it's just what works for that person and as I wrote I would only give my opinion if asked. Did you read what I wrote -that there are not two schools of thought -there are many and there are many paths to finding a fulfilling relationship.

 

To me GIGS is different -if you're dating many just because you constantly have GIGS that is different than choosing not to put all your eggs in one basket for a near stranger when you know that opportunities to meet single available men looking for marriage and a family are slim and getting slimmer. Certainly I wouldn't date someone who was dating a lot of different people because he liked the thrill of the chase and was constantly wondering if there is someone better. Not at all what I am talking about. I don't think online sites made that worse -just made it easier for those who already had that mindset to do it in a larger way. Sites don't make anyone do anything. They just exist. I used dating sites to make a first contact with someone and hopefully meet in person within a week or less to see if we should go on a first date in the future. I used dating sites only because I wanted to find the right husband for me and hopefully have the chance to have a baby. Others use them for different reasons - for casual dating, companionship, sex, and for fun - for the ego boost. It's all fine with me whatever as long as it's consenting adults and no one is trying to harm anyone on purpose. Definitely on line sites felt like a candy store when they started and I started using them. But very quickly I focused on my marriage/kids goal because I didn't have or want to spend the time meeting people who were not serious minded like me.

 

So I don't oppose any approach that works for a person and doesn't involve intentionally hurting others. I don't oppose choosing not to date at all, choosing never to marry, whatever. It's not about "for" or "against" -it's personal and individual. Like figureitout wrote, I was in a situation of my clock ticking, of knowing how hard it is to meet quality people who were on the same wavelength as me as far as goals and I wasn't going to toss out opportunities and close off options just because I met a new person a handful of times. The people who were available then quite often were snapped up a month later. It was all about timing and going for the opportunities to meet people -that is, if like me you wanted marriage and family. So if a female friend met a new guy who seemed awesome and they'd been out three or four times and she had the chance to meet another guy who seemed great and especially if she was in her 30s and interested in having a child, if she asked me if it was a mistake not to meet him because "I'll just be thinking about the new guy" I'd say yes, a mistake - meet him with an open mind because for all you know your new guy will see you once or twice more and that's it -and then this other guy may have met someone else by the time you get in touch again. If she didn't ask me my opinion I'd keep my mouth shut. Because like I wrote -to you it seems to be this for or against kind of stance - to me it's not, it's just not a big deal whether she meets him or not -her life.

 

So if she didn't ask why would it be relevant or my business to share an opinion. Sure I'd be tempted - I would want my friend not to give up the opportunity but on balance, big deal - it's her life. I hope that clarifies again that it's just what worked for me and that we can disagree on what my approach means or doesn't. I understand for you you wouldn't be able to get clarity on whether the new person was for you if you went on other first meets. So, you shouldn't. I could and did. Many times over. And it also meant when I met my husband for dinner I didn't have to mention it to the guy I'd been out with a few times - which I would have if we were exclusive- not because it was a date but because it might seem like one and I would have felt the need to mention "hey I'm meeting up with an ex for dinner tonight" - because it might have seemed sketchy otherwise. Because he was a new person in my life it was none of his business what I did or who I saw when we were apart.

 

Sorry so long I just feel like I'm having to repeat over and over again my opinion since it's become something I never wrote or meant -some generalized stance on dating and some opposition to other approaces. Not sure how or why that happened.

[katrina1980]

^^I'm sorry B, what were you referring to -- "I never wrote that at all."

 

Below is what I was referring to:

 

 

To me agreeing to be exclusive is "we are now a couple, boyfriend and girlfriend and we're falling in love and want to see if marriage is in the cards in the future".

 

Exclusive meaning "focusing only on each other --one at a time." In my opinion and many others.

 

And yes some people are very much opposed to multi-dating, for various reasons.

 

For themselves and in general.

 

I am and own it! Assuming one is looking for LTR, marriage, commitment.

 

I don't agree with it = I oppose it.

 

If they are not looking for those things (which is fine and their prerogative), let them multi-date to their heart's content! As long as they are honest about it.

 

Anyway, you know we could round and round.

 

I vote for ending this discussion and let sleeping dogs lie - we are never gonna agree on this, which is okay!

[Batya33]

^^I'm sorry B, what were you referring to -- "I never wrote that at all."

 

Below is what I was referring to:

 

 

 

Exclusive meaning "focusing only on each other --one at a time." In my opinion and many others.

 

And yes some people are very much opposed to multi-dating, for various reasons.

 

For themselves and in general.

 

I am and own it! Assuming one is looking for LTR, marriage, commitment.

 

I don't agree with it = I oppose it.

 

If they are not looking for those things (which is fine and their prerogative), let them multi-date to their heart's content! As long as they are honest about it.

 

Anyway, you know we could round and round.

 

I vote for ending this discussion and let sleeping dogs lie - we are never gonna agree on this, which is okay!

 

Sure - others might share my opinion -doesn't make it right or wrong. I'm happy to end this discussion and it's fine if you want to oppose multidating - I do too, when it's cheating, for sure because I oppose any situation in which one person intentionally hurts another and that would be one of them. I don't consider it multidating to meet a lot of people on first meets because I don't think a first meet is a date in the sense that the person who asked is asking because they're romantically interested (they can't be if they've never met, not in any relevant way) or in the sense that the person who is asked believes he or she has been asked out by someone on a date. I don't relate to being opposed to multidating in general (unless it's cheating or done dishonestly) because I don't know why it would matter what other single consenting adults do (that doesn't intentionally hurt anyone) - but sure if it means that much to you to take a stand like that it's your entitlement! If someone asked me for my opinion on whether to keep meeting other people after meeting a man a couple of times I would tell her that she shouldn't forego any opportunities because it's hard to meet quality people let alone a quality person who could be a good match too and to put all her eggs in one basket and let opportunities go would not be consistent with looking for the best match for marriage. If someone asked me if she should multidate because how could she ever know whether she was with the one unless she comparison shopped, I would say that if she wasn't a teenager anymore that comparison shopping like that wasn't going to give her the answers she was looking for. To me those are two very different things -the latter is just shopping/GIGs. The former is if you can manage it, not foregoing opportunities just because there's someone new in your life you feel a spark for but don't know much about,yet. Those opportunities can be few and far between. Of course after a month or two- closer to two -you probably know the person well enough to know if there is long term potential, so then you're not really foregoing opportunities (i.e. I am not a fan of GIGS).

[katrina1980]

Just to clarify, agree that meeting many people (first meets/first dates) until you find someone you click with is *not* multi-dating.

 

I only focus on *one at a time* after I meet a man and there is mutual chemistry and we "click."

 

That might take days, weeks, months of meeting, having first dates, with many men.

 

Once it does happen, we focus on each other to see if we're a good fit, where it will lead.

 

With my current boyfriend, I knew almost immediately we had something unique and special, course we chatted over e-mail for two weeks prior, I felt something then too.

 

We did not formally discuss exclusivity for 2.5 months though, so have no idea if he dated others in those early days, he may have!

 

I did not, had no desire to.

 

I've dated enough guys in my life to know that this was something special.

 

So far so good!

[Batya33]

Just to clarify, agree that meeting many people (first meets/first dates) until you find someone you click with is *not* multi-dating.

 

I only focus on *one at a time* after I meet a man and there is mutual chemistry and we "click."

 

That might take days, weeks, months of meeting, having first dates, with many men.

 

Once it does happen, we focus on each other to see if we're a good fit, where it will lead.

 

With my current boyfriend, I knew almost immediately we had something unique and special, course we chatted over e-mail for two weeks prior, I felt something then too.

 

We did not formally discuss exclusivity for 2.5 months though, so have no idea if he dated others in those early days, he may have!

 

I did not, had no desire to.

 

I've dated enough guys in my life to know that this was something special.

 

So far so good!

 

Oh. I usually stopped multidating after 6-8 weeks of dating which is usually when the guy asked me to be exclusive. Figureitout was referring to the OPs complaint that he was meeting other women most likely as he flubbed basic details about her. Figureitout I thought was unhappy with my and someone else's comment that of course he was meeting other women at the same time, as he should be. She called it multidating. I did not I don't think.

 

I focused on one person if we clicked, had mutual chemistry and I saw long term potential and we were either in love or darn close to it. And if I'd gotten to know him over around two months give or take so that we'd been out at least 8 times, had real conversations, etc. Also as a practical matter most men I met wanted to close the deal within that time period so if I didn't agree they'd probably stop dating me. And I did not agree if, either, i felt like I needed a bit more time or if I realized it just wasn't going anywhere. I needed more than mutual chemistry and the initial click because I also had to know about the long term potential, common goals, etc. I never ever counted the typing or talking before meeting as part of getting to know whether there was long term potential or chemistry or rapport-I had to get to know the person in person and see how he interacted with others (strangers and friends, etc), his body language in person, how he made eye contact, and how I felt being around him in person. The typing and talking was great for safety screening and for screening people out. Very often I had great rapport with typing and none on the phone, and great rapport in emails and on the phone and not in person. Often it had little to do with physical looks but sometimes it did -if he'd lied about his looks for example.

 

One time it was definitely connected -we typed and talked for 6 weeks on and off because we were busy and I think he'd dated someone else in the meanwhile. It was the same in person -chemistry through the roof. And it was like that for 3 months. But, this was the guy with the undisclosed severe mental disorder so that all fell apart once I found that out. And once I realized 3 months in he was not as into me anymore and I was still very into him.

[katrina1980]

Well, to be fair to figureitout, I think she was referring to your comment that he was "juggling women, as he should be" which suggests multi-dating.

 

I don't refer to having many first meets/first dates until you find someone you click with as *juggling* women (or men if roles are reversed), it's usually a "one and done" unless you click. For me and I would suspect figureitout too (apologies fio if I am mistaken about that).

 

So it may have been the way you worded that, because I interpreted your word "juggling" to mean he was dating many different women simultaneously (multi-dating).

 

I also think she was referring to meeting 3-4 men in one day, abitbroken took issue with that as well.

 

I don't really have an issue with that necessarily, if one can swing it. For me, it was difficult enough to find time to meet one!

 

I recall meeting one man on Wednesday and then my current bf on Thursday and we clicked!

 

I was very very lucky, the sun and stars definitely must have been aligned that day!

 

Anyway, perhaps it's just semantics and how we all interpret words differently.

 

Have a great night B, good discussion!

[Batya33]

Thanks for clarifying! With my schedule and my goals I went on as many first meets as I could with men I thought could be good matches. Hopefully the OP's next meet will be more to her liking.