Post 1st date situation (will i get ghosted?)

[Tpt10]

When you initiate a date, your supposed to follow up later with a text. The fact that she did it was because she was wondering why you hadn’t and was making her feelings clear.

But you read it and wanted to reply in the AM?

can’t stand guys like you, you then wonder why it’s not working out.

 

Well, I am not usually like that. But she did play it right back. But she did reach back out

[Hollyj]

Lesson learned.

[IAmFCA]

You paused

So, she is pausing and stringing you out.

 

Who cares. Just ask her out.

 

---

Said less succinctly:

 

Wondering if hair twisting is submissive is game theory, texting in a.m. rather than when you would have normally is play acting. These are two examples of treating yourself and her like products. You are people, you are individuals. Do what feels most true to yourself, not as an impulse, but as a well-reflected representation of you.

 

Had you done that, she would have heard back from you that night, which after her 30 minute drive would have been nice on your part. She was kind, and you weren't. You were playing a game.

 

Let kindness and honesty be your guide. You like each other. Your gamesmanship puts you one down compared to her kindness. It is on you to ask her out.

 

If you want her to chase you, so then you can have sex with her and dump her after, you are one up. Your goal seems to be a relationship between two friendly, caring people... acting like an f boy isn't your path to attract and retain a kind, caring woman.

[ManyDates]

From a woman's perspective, I don't agree. I would have appreciated a text when he got home. You're male, right?

 

Men and women are different and he has to show male masculine qualities to keep her interested in this tricky part of dating. Women are not supposed to take the same advice.

 

Of course you want a bunch of texts right away, but then you'll ghost him and go find someone more like a man. Its a fact.

 

What he's doing works and is proven. I do the same and my girl friends literally thank me for not being a wimp like every other guy they've dated.

[reinventmyself]

Men and women are different and he has to show male masculine qualities to keep her interested in this tricky part of dating. Women are not supposed to take the same advice.

 

Of course you want a bunch of texts right away, but then you'll ghost him and go find someone more like a man. Its a fact.

 

What he's doing works and is proven. I do the same and my girl friends literally thank me for not being a wimp like every other guy they've dated.

Where do you get your facts?

You are right. Had you lit up my phone and bothered me relentlessly, I'd block you.

 

But if you said you would text me when I got home and I reached out to tell you I was home safely and had a good

night and you didn't respond, I wouldn't get all twisted about it, but I certainly wouldn't find you more masculine or attractive.

I would just think you were either lazy, inconsiderate or your phone broke.

 

If I get the sense you are playing some sort of game with me by making me wait so my interest might go up, I'll block your number.

 

No, we don't want wimps. You are correct here.

But game players are insecure.

Because they can't rely on their natural masculinity and confidence when it comes to dating and think they have to result in playing games instead.

[milly007]

Men and women are different and he has to show male masculine qualities to keep her interested in this tricky part of dating. Women are not supposed to take the same advice.

 

Of course you want a bunch of texts right away, but then you'll ghost him and go find someone more like a man. Its a fact.

 

What he's doing works and is proven. I do the same and my girl friends literally thank me for not being a wimp like every other guy they've dated.

 

If this isn't a load of crap, I don't know what is.

 

So whereabouts can we find these "facts" and where it's proven that it works?

 

Oh, ok. So men who are considerate, respond within a timely fashion and don't consider playing mind games are wimps, I guess?

 

As mentioned above, what a load...

 

You honestly sound bitter.

[IAmFCA]

Men and women are different and he has to show male masculine qualities to keep her interested in this tricky part of dating. Women are not supposed to take the same advice.

 

Of course you want a bunch of texts right away, but then you'll ghost him and go find someone more like a man. Its a fact.

 

What he's doing works and is proven. I do the same and my girl friends literally thank me for not being a wimp like every other guy they've dated.

 

 

Leaving the paradigm of the foregoing aside:

 

If I (woman) am interested in someone (man) after a first date, and we text each other, that is enough for me. When you text could be impacted by any number of externalities. If I like you, I am not going to lose that opportunity by making some judgment about the timing of your text. WHAT you text matters, how often you text matters. The night of or the next late-morning? Shrug. A bunch of texts? Yikes. I am busy. Why are you texting me? I will politely end the convo.

 

That said, I will ghost you for reasons you do not know, and not tell you. I recently ghosted after a great date and two texts. He seems to think it is because of his fb, which he now has on lock down. It wasn't. It was because I pulled his court records, and they are more than I want to deal with.

 

I have ghosted because we missed each other's signals, and it wore me out. I have ghosted because he asked for a phone call when I said I was too busy to text. I have ghosted because I said friends, and then he tried to get on my calendar the very next weekend. If I say back up, and you don't, buh bye.

 

If I like a man, and he gives me a small amount of attention, he stays. Too much attention - so that it feels like adoration, buh bye. Because he doesn't know me yet, and therefore is either wasting my time with cheap words, or valuing aspects of me that are replaceable. It has nothing to do with masculinity or wimpiness. Its silly to put me on a pedestal and causes me to lose interest.

[ManyDates]

You love to complain about it, but does it ever work wonders when tried upon you :)

 

Our job is to make you crazy about us and a few of us (3%) actually know how.

[Tomthumb88]

Imfca... you sound really horrible. Sorr for being so blunt but I had to read that a few times to be sure it wasn’t parody

[figureitout23]

I wouldn't say horrible but the justifying ghosting as if you are the only individual in the world that matters left a bad taste in my mouth not gonna lie.

 

We are who we are though.

[LootieTootie]

my girl friends literally thank me for not being a wimp like every other guy they've dated.

 

Hmm girlfriends... must be few and far between...

 

I do agree that men and women are different in some areas. for one, women tend to overanalyze. if you read a text and she knows you did but decide to wait to respond, she's been sitting there overanalyzing for a good amount of time why you haven't reciprocated.

 

Keep it real and simple. not saying wear your heart on your sleeves after a first date. but be real and simple so it's easy for her to know where you stand every time. This prevents the overanalysis and contemplation about the "next move" because she will do the same when you reply (which she did). now you guys are doing this dance and just when you think you got their interest, well someone else waltz right in & you don't get a second dance.

[Tryingit]

Yikes! This thread!!

@IAmFCA - what the heck! Haha I am a fellow woman and I would be petrified of dating you if I ever read that post. Ghosting is never ok!! You make it sound like you have the prerogative to ghost someone because they sneezed too many times on the date and *ew* What is wrong with this generation. Be warned that people will treat you the way you treat them, and there is such a thing as karma.

@ManyDates - I agree with you that those tactics work on *some* women. They work on inexperienced, gullible and insecure women. PLEASE pull that ish on a more mature, knowledgeable, controlled and secure woman and report back your results. That stuff backfires big time on the quality ladies and works like a charm on low self-esteem women. So congrats you pulled a lot of rotten apples, but getting the incredible women has no hack!

[Tryingit]

Also, to the OP, I would bet my dollar that she made you wait for the text back as punishment for making her wait for the text back. She thought it was a turn off and a punishable offense, but not a dealbreaker. I always find myself mirroring the behavior of the guy - if he is being kind and vulnerable, it encourages me to be so; if he is being distant and cold, it encourages me to be so. It's a self reinforcing circle of good or bad will. This is why I have never understood why people play games - it's like congrats you got yourself an expensive, cold, distrusting ping-pong match.

[IAmFCA]

Tomthumb and figureitout, I get it. What I wrote sounds unfeeling, flippant, and self-centered. I have been on countless first dates -- of late, maybe two or three a week? I have been dating actively for over five years. I used to get caught up trying to have these little break up conversations. No longer. I have zero emotional energy for people I have just met.

 

People I have met once or twice, or maybe even not met at all -- I don't mind disappearing from text threads. These aren't people with whom I have developed habits nor intimacy, nor made any promises. We haven't kissed, we haven't held hands, visited one another's homes, none of that. We are strangers who have exchanged maybe 4 hours of conversation or less. My boundaries are strong. If I said "friends" and he tries to date me anyway? No. Asked for a DTR conversation when we have seen each other twice in a manner I would meet a friend/associate/neighbor? No. That is too much.

 

I say Yes, I would like to see you again, or no. I may say, I had a great time! And then discover you have two restraining orders pending... not going to explain myself, just disappear. I may say, I enjoy your company, and I think we are better suited as friends. And then I do not expect to see you often as if we are dating.

 

The court records fellow -- I pulled a pure ghost. Maybe the other examples aren't ghosting, because I said "friends". After that, I let text threads drop with no explanation, if they were too frequent for my taste or presumed familiarity I am not ready to offer. Where my words weren't useful, my actions spoke for me.

 

---

 

I agree with you. I have said to my bff that I ought to have a warning sign. It is my natural way: I am eager to explore ideas with everyone I meet. It doesn't mean I want to date them. I have fought the urge to internalize it as a negative trait, I have withdrawn from men, I have spent time as an "ice queen". That is not me. I am enthusiastic, personable, and endlessly hungry to learn from others. I value people for who they are and am fortunate to have met some amazing people. The ones who let me go, get me back. I will check in on them, see how a project is progressing offer to help with a garden project or a furniture haul. But I will not see you every weekend nor text an unbroken string.

[IAmFCA]

Also, to the OP, I would bet my dollar that she made you wait for the text back as punishment for making her wait for the text back. She thought it was a turn off and a punishable offense, but not a dealbreaker. I always find myself mirroring the behavior of the guy - if he is being kind and vulnerable, it encourages me to be so; if he is being distant and cold, it encourages me to be so. It's a self reinforcing circle of good or bad will. This is why I have never understood why people play games - it's like congrats you got yourself an expensive, cold, distrusting ping-pong match.

 

That was my thought too (which I might have posted? I can't remember.)

[ManyDates]

The feedback :welcoming:

[ManyDates]

Men - watch Corey Wayne + Jordan Peterson Vids, learn how to be a MAN and drive women crazy, they are our wives as we make them. Educate yourselves

[IAmFCA]

Yikes! This thread!!

@IAmFCA - what the heck! Haha I am a fellow woman and I would be petrified of dating you if I ever read that post. Ghosting is never ok!! You make it sound like you have the prerogative to ghost someone because they sneezed too many times on the date and *ew* What is wrong with this generation. Be warned that people will treat you the way you treat them, and there is such a thing as karma.

@ManyDates - I agree with you that those tactics work on *some* women. They work on inexperienced, gullible and insecure women. PLEASE pull that ish on a more mature, knowledgeable, controlled and secure woman and report back your results. That stuff backfires big time on the quality ladies and works like a charm on low self-esteem women. So congrats you pulled a lot of rotten apples, but getting the incredible women has no hack!

 

I know. I get it. I talk to my bff about it, but she gives me no corrective direction. It IS petrifying to watch myself. I tell them "friends" or, less often, "it doesn't seem like a match, but you have been lovely company and I wish you well". ... I DO get ghosted. Several men have dropped threads on line in recent weeks, of course - so I am ghosted too if I use the same definition. I don't really notice. Just keep it moving. The one guy I am stuck on, he can turn on a dime same as me. Worse than me. I don't know really.

 

Anyway, yes. Is it ghosting if we haven't even kissed? There is no big night out, no make out sesh, none of that. Two people across a table having a chat. I just can't get that worked up about it.

 

Yeah. Dating is terrifying. I am most focused on my own goals. If a man becomes relevant, THAT will be terrifying - and welcome. No shock that it hasn't happened. I don't much like anyone enough, as I am sorting for marriage potential. Its a tough sort.

[Tryingit]

I know. I get it. I talk to my bff about it, but she gives me no corrective direction. It IS petrifying to watch myself. I tell them "friends" or, less often, "it doesn't seem like a match, but you have been lovely company and I wish you well". ... I DO get ghosted. Several men have dropped threads on line in recent weeks, of course - so I am ghosted too if I use the same definition. I don't really notice. Just keep it moving. The one guy I am stuck on, he can turn on a dime same as me. Worse than me. I don't know really.

 

Anyway, yes. Is it ghosting if we haven't even kissed? There is no big night out, no make out sesh, none of that. Two people across a table having a chat. I just can't get that worked up about it.

 

Yeah. Dating is terrifying. I am most focused on my own goals. If a man becomes relevant, THAT will be terrifying - and welcome. No shock that it hasn't happened. I don't much like anyone enough, as I am sorting for marriage potential. Its a tough sort.

 

I get it. By the way, I don't think "not continuing the conversation after you went on one date with someone you had never met before because he is from an app" qualifies as ghosting. I do that too. That's just, jesus you have a weird voice or had I known you were actually 5'4 I wouldn't be here right now. I do think it's messed up if you purposely don't reply to a question, regardless of the number of dates. Basically, if instead of saying "hey I'm done here," you just don't reply until infinity. That is cowardly and ish to me.

 

My guess is you're going on way too many first dates. Be more picky or have longer convos BEFORE you meet them. Several a week is an insane, exhausting amount. You probably have date fatigue. Everyone can begin to blend together and nothing sticks when you're going through them like underpants. I think you're weirdly sabotaging your own mission to "find the one." I also think you've got way too specific an idea in your head of who the one is and you're nexting people instantly if they don't fit the mold. Life isn't that predictable.

 

Anyway, good luck. I've never been ghosted on and I've never ghosted, and I am proud of that :)

[IAmFCA]

I get it. By the way, I don't think "not continuing the conversation after you went on one date with someone you had never met before because he is from an app" qualifies as ghosting. I do that too. That's just, jesus you have a weird voice or had I known you were actually 5'4 I wouldn't be here right now. I do think it's messed up if you purposely don't reply to a question, regardless of the number of dates. Basically, if instead of saying "hey I'm done here," you just don't reply until infinity. That is cowardly and ish to me.

 

My guess is you're going on way too many first dates. Be more picky or have longer convos BEFORE you meet them. Several a week is an insane, exhausting amount. You probably have date fatigue. Everyone can begin to blend together and nothing sticks when you're going through them like underpants. I think you're weirdly sabotaging your own mission to "find the one." I also think you've got way too specific an idea in your head of who the one is and you're nexting people instantly if they don't fit the mold. Life isn't that predictable.

 

Anyway, good luck. I've never been ghosted on and I've never ghosted, and I am proud of that :)

 

All good points. I applaud your fastidious manner with others.

 

I don't think I have ever, not once, had a man say "I am done here": they either ask to meet (or I do) or they stop replying. I used to say We are not a match good luck in your search. Now, the conversations just peter out. I haven't intentionally ended up with this behavior pattern, seems I have grown to mirror the behavior of the other team.

 

My on line screening process is pretty effective these days. Am meeting people to force me to test my primary factors. Am looking for excellence/joy at work, athleticism, intellect, character, no young kids, religious compatibility. I am getting closer to target than ever before; whatever path I am on seems to be working.

[Tryingit]

All good points. I applaud your fastidious manner with others.

 

I don't think I have ever, not once, had a man say "I am done here": they either ask to meet (or I do) or they stop replying. I used to say We are not a match good luck in your search. Now, the conversations just peter out. I haven't intentionally ended up with this behavior pattern, seems I have grown to mirror the behavior of the other team.

 

My on line screening process is pretty effective these days. Am meeting people to force me to test my primary factors. Am looking for excellence/joy at work, athleticism, intellect, character, no young kids, religious compatibility. I am getting closer to target than ever before; whatever path I am on seems to be working.

 

Sorry but the last bit sounds like a robot trying to find an ideal breeding sperm. I'm just as picky as you but loosen up on trying to "zero in on target." These are humans, and someone with all of those traits you describe, can end up being a total d-bag six months down the line...after you spent 500 dates trying to find him. How devastating would that be! Life is just a bag of chaos. Let go of the control, girlfriend.

[IAmFCA]

Sorry but the last bit sounds like a robot trying to find an ideal breeding sperm. I'm just as picky as you but loosen up on trying to "zero in on target." These are humans, and someone with all of those traits you describe, can end up being a total d-bag six months down the line...after you spent 500 dates trying to find him. How devastating would that be! Life is just a bag of chaos. Let go of the control, girlfriend.

 

Already bred two.

 

i think you are right about just letting it be; at the same time I really truly have tried smart enough, no athletics, flexi character, young kids, incompatible religion.

[kamurj]

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