Does he just want a pen pal?

[LegalGirl2009]

Hi Everyone -

 

So I met this guy on a dating app about a month and a half ago (he's 34, I'm 26). We hit it off right away. We started texting right away and have been in pretty constant contact since then. We were both pretty busy with the new year and other personal reasons so we didn't really try and meet up right away but still talked a lot.

 

We started really talking about hanging out, probably middle of last month, but we still haven't. We both have brought up that we would like to finally meet but we didn't make any definite plans. Our work weeks are a bit different so our weekends don't always align. Recently he has asked me to hang out a few times but then when the time comes around, something comes up and it just never happens. But he continues to text me almost every day and through out the entire day when we aren't busy working.

 

Is he looking for more of a pen pal? I am trying to not put too much pressure on this new friendship but I really want to meet him and he knows that. But I also don't want to come off as aggressive. I respect that people are busy and things come up, but I also feel like we've been talking long enough and have tried a few times, that it's time to meet. Should I be honest that I am looking for more than just a relationship over text? (originally we both said we were looking for more than a random hook-up but didn't need to rush into anything) And if so, what's the best way to approach this conversation? We get along really well and have shared some personal and intimate things with one another but he doesn't put that much effort into seeing me. Should I move on?

[limichelle]

Yes I feel you should move on. You don't really have anything with this guy since you haven't met. Him putting it off is a red flag how something always comes up. I would tell him you want more and wish him luck. I think some people just want pen pals on that site so they don't have to commit to anyone it's safer behind a computer and plus they get companionship.

[Betterwithout]

Should I be honest that I am looking for more than just a relationship over text? (originally we both said we were looking for more than a random hook-up but didn't need to rush into anything) And if so, what's the best way to approach this conversation? We get along really well and have shared some personal and intimate things with one another but he doesn't put that much effort into seeing me. Should I move on?

 

He could be shy

He could be married

He might not be ready for a real relationship. I am sure the internet has thousands like him.

 

Set a date that you want to meet a few weeks in advance, and if he can't make it, you know that you can move on with your life to someone who is better suited for you.

[reinventmyself]

It's been a little while since I spent much time online dating, but that was one of my frustrations.

In my personal experience the majority of men that emailed me seemed to be more interested in an

electronic friendship than a real life one.

 

I learned quickly to suss them out and move on.

[DaisyMayPorter]

I actually put on my online dating profile that I “don’t want penpals“. I have come across so many guys to continue to message me and never ask me out, or they ask for my number and then never ask me out. This is not all guys, it’s just some. Anyway, it’s kind of annoying. I have this one guy who I remember I asked him on two different occasions if he wanted to hang out and he gave a roundabout answer but never said yes, then finally I just had to block him I got so annoyed! My point is, it gets annoying texting all the time. I don’t blame you for being annoyed. You should continue to talk to other guys And just keep him on the side. Eventually if he doesn’t ask you out he’ll just fade away.

[Tryingit]

This is very common.

 

I think there is a window from first contact - for me it's a week - that if you don't meet, the person is as good as an imaginary friend. I completely lose interest if there is no in person meet at max 2 weeks after first contact. How do you know you'd even like him in person? He could be annoying or short!

[reinventmyself]

After a few emails. . maybe no more than 2 days (if that) I typically tell them that I sit in front of a pc all day at work, therefore I am not inclined to go home and do the same.

 

From there I ask if he would be interested in talking on the phone some time and if so, let me know.

(at this point I start to squash the email exchange)

 

If he agrees then there's a phone call or 2 and at this point if he doesn't suggest it, I might say -

`It's been nice chatting with you. . If you are interested, I would like to meet you some time'

 

I say it such a way that I am willing to wrap up all forms of electronic communication and move along.

 

If he wants to meet me, he'll say so. If not, then I am not willing to invest anymore time and I move on.

If he hedges and continues to either call, text or email, I'll tell him that we aren't looking for the same thing.

 

Pretty cut and dry.

I've tried the `no pen pal' thing. I often wonder if they read that far to see it.

Because apparently it doesn't make a difference to some.

[Starlight925]

I used to do all the hints, the "no pen pal" thing, etc.

 

These days, I realize these men are adults, and if they want to actually meet someone in person, they'll ask. Otherwise, the texting will go on forever.

 

My method is just super simple: within a couple of days, if the guy doesn't mention meeting, I don't respond to the last message. Sometimes, within a day or so of me not responding, the guy will come back and ask to meet, which is fine, and I'll go. But if he writes back some more nonsensical stuff, I just ignore it.

 

So yes, this guy you're talking to just wants a pen pal. And I hate to break it to you, but I can guarantee he has many.

[reinventmyself]

So many women think they need to sit on their hands and wait for the men to drive the bus.

I am not chasing men, they are emailing me. But I can limit my exposure to those who want to waste my time.

[Starlight925]

So many women think they need to sit on their hands and wait for the men to drive the bus.

I am not chasing men, they are emailing me. But I can limit my exposure to those who want to waste my time.

 

This is a good point. Sometimes, if a guy hasn't mentioned meeting, but you really think you might hit it off with him, it's ok to say that you'd love to continue this conversation in person, and see if/how he responds. If he responds with more texting nonsense, then buh-bye. It's not about waiting for a guy to make the moves, but at some point, the conversation has to move off the screen.

[Batya33]

A first meet is not a date. If he won't arrange one or agree to your suggestion to arrange one within a week or at tops two weeks of first contact then I would move on unless he is out of town for work or a family emergency. Something coming up is fine for one time, not several.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Let me tell you what just happened to me tonight, speaking of online dating... this guy "liked me" - I liked his pictures, I didn't read his profile, but I messaged him. He messaged me back, telling me he thought I was pretty, liked my profile, etc etc, then said, "but did you look at my profile?" Do you know what his profile says? It says he's in an "open marriage", he says his wife is on there too, and they support each other 100%. You've got to be kidding me. No wonder people get so depressed about online dating or dating in general these days. I give up. I'm done.

[catfeeder]

Use dating apps to set up quick coffee meets with LOTS of people to check one another out. Don't use them to build fantasies about any given guy. That makes no sense and wastes your time.

 

Either someone wants to meet, or not. If not, tell them they can contact you when they want to meet, and skip playing texties with them. That's messy kid stuff.

[IAmFCA]

Hear your thread title: Does he want a pen pal?

 

Who cares. What do YOU want? If you don't want a pen pal, then stop writing and move on.

[LegalGirl2009]

Well I found out he’s had a girlfriend. So mystery solved.

[Starlight925]

Well I found out he’s had a girlfriend. So mystery solved.

 

Seriously?? How did you find out?

 

Yep, he wanted a pen pal to keep on the back burner for when he was bored or fighting with his girlfriend. SMH.

[katrina1980]

Well I found out he’s had a girlfriend. So mystery solved.

 

Yeah unfortunately not all that uncommon; both genders do it.

 

Agree with catfeeder, suggest a "meet" ASAP, if he hesitates or makes excuses why he can't, abort mission.

 

And if a man messages you from another country or hundreds of miles away, unless *you* yourself are looking for someone to simply chat and have some laughs with, best to not engage, or if you do, have zero expectations about anything ever developing past messaging.

 

Personally I think "pen pals" are fine as long as BOTH people are okay with *just* that.

 

I've "met* both men and women from different countries via the Internet and it was fun chatting, getting to know.

 

I am still friends with two in particular (women).

 

But in a dating/relationship context? I've had no expectations in that regard, but was still able to enjoy the chat.

[LegalGirl2009]

Seriously?? How did you find out?

 

Yep, he wanted a pen pal to keep on the back burner for when he was bored or fighting with his girlfriend. SMH.

 

Well I asked him if he has any intentions of actually seeing me. And he said absolutely and that he really wants to. But then he told me to "bare with him a little longer." My gut said something was off. A did some investigating and boom, found the girlfriend who's profile said "In a relationship with him."

 

I texted him about it and got no response.

[DancingFool]

Well I asked him if he has any intentions of actually seeing me. And he said absolutely and that he really wants to. But then he told me to "bare with him a little longer." My gut said something was off. A did some investigating and boom, found the girlfriend who's profile said "In a relationship with him."

 

I texted him about it and got no response.

 

lol....busted.... I'd take this as lesson learned. If you don't want pen pals and shady men, don't get involved in all that texting and e-mailing. It does create an illusion of a connection that you are liable to regret later. If he can't/won't meet quickly, drop all contact and move on. If someone is serious about meeting, even if they are busy, they'll still nail down a date to meet up. I had a situation where both of us were literally busy the whole month. So we literally sat on the phone and hashed out which first time we are both in town and free to meet up and pretty much wrote that date in stone, set, confirmed, happening - date, time, place. Then we kept up light contact leading up to that date. No emotional bonding, no oversharing - just lighthearted fun. We actually clicked in person and ended up dating for a long time. When someone is serious, they act like it. When someone is being wishy washy, beware.

[Wiseman2]

Wow, he was lining up a replacement and never told her they were breaking up. Good your instincts about not meeting asap raised some red flags. Doubt he'll reply..lol

he told me to "bare with him a little longer." found the girlfriend who's profile said "In a relationship with him."

[LegalGirl2009]

Wow, he was lining up a replacement and never told her they were breaking up. Good your instincts about not meeting asap raised some red flags. Doubt he'll reply..lol

 

He finally responded. And got mad at me for not just asking him. Then said he hasn't updated his page in forever and never uses it. A bunch of BS.