What to expect when writing to an ex.

[Tch127]

So me and my ex broke it off about 5 months ago. When it first happened I spent about 3 months just being really angry about how we split and in a way just brushed the whole thing off. I always knew how much she meant to me but it took three months for the loss to really hit me like a ton of bricks. Just to explain the situation alittle better she is 9 years older than me. We broke up because I wasn't very good at including her in things I would do with freinds and family and was very dodgy when she would invite me around hers, she said I made her feel unwanted. I didn't always leave her out but I didn't make the effort I should have. Probably because I felt at the time that the age difference between her freinds and my freinds just wouldn't allow the social aspects of our life to work. I realize that was dumb of me because with how much we cared for eachother our freinds and family would have been happy for us. At one point she wanted me to move in with her and it kinda freaked me out honestly. I've never felt this strongly about someone and with that and the age difference I really just let the fear of it all get to me. To be clear when we were alone together I never saw the age difference it honestly felt meant to be...but the social side of things frightened me.

 

Well anyway not everyday but hear and there over the last two months I've been trying to reach out to her...mainly with texts and voice mails...more often than not she wouldn't respond and when she did it was only to ask me to stop so that both of us can heal. I've always told her how I love her but I never was very good at showing her when we were together. Through my heartbreak I've come to realize how much I truly don't care about anything I was afraid of before. From living with her, to bringing her around every social gathering, or even sharing a holiday with her family. None of it scares me anymore I'm ready to finally be the man she deserves.

I realize that it may be too late now but I'm a strong believer in the whole "it's never too late" thing.

 

Even though she's asked me to stop contacting her I simply couldn't move on unless I got a chance to express my self and got everything I wanted to say out. So I decided to sit down and write a letter. I spent 3 days writing and re writing what turned out to be a 4 page love letter(alittle long I know).

Quite honestly it was very therapeutic. I covered everything from the the first time I saw her and how she made me feel to when I first realized how much I loved her. I stated that I knew my mistakes were avoidable and I would never be able to forgive myself for making her ever feel unwanted or alone. I said everything I would do differently. I said that I knew I could make her happy and she was the only woman I wanted to be with. I stated how much I would continue to miss her if I never get to see her again and would never stop caring for her. I said that I wouldn't say goodbye because I would continue to pray that maybe one day I get the chance to show her who I really am but if I never see her again I hoped she found everything she ever wanted. I mean I really put everything out there and in a way it helped. Well I drove to her house and put the letter next to her door about 2 days ago.

 

Part of me expected for an immediate phone call or for her to show up at my door and everything be ok( hopeless romantic I know) and part of me expected her to never read it at all. In reality the truth is probably somewhere in between.

 

The overall point of this post is to ask advice and opinions. What should I expect? If I'm going to get a call or reply what's a reasonable time to hold out for. Should I wait a week before never expecting to hear from her? A month? Does anyone think she'll read it? It's been suggested to me that she will read it even just out of curiosity. Even if she doesn't read it right away how long do y'all think it could take for her to open it? It's been two days and I still have hope that I'll hear from her and I might never give up that hope. Realistically though how long do y'all think it could take for her to reply? Every day I don't hear from her hurts alittle more but I'm staying as positive as I can.

 

Btw I realize that if she was with someone else it might effect the response I get or if I ever get one at all. That being said I don't think she is with anyone just based off of social media and the fact that there's never another car in her driveway ( she lives nearby and off a main road so I know its a bad idea but sometimes curiosity gets to me so I can't help but look as I drive by).

 

I ended the letter by saying that I'll love her forever and always but she wouldn't have to hear from me again if she didn't want to. As hard as that may get I feel obliged to truly put this in gods hands at this point and not contact her unless she reaches out first. So it's not as simple as asking for a response, although it never is a guess.

 

Anyway I appreciate any advice or confidence boosters y'all can give!

 

Thanks

[rosephase]

She asked you to stop contacting her. You shouldn't expect to hear anything from her.

 

If you love and respect her so much you should listen to her when she is directly clear with you. She told you what she wanted and needed from you and you didn't listen.

[DanZee]

I agree with rosephase. Stop contacting her. Your girlfriend is correct, you can't heal if you keep contacting each other. You've had your chance with her. You blew it. You were too immature to handle a mature relationship. Hopefully you will use what you learned in your next relationship.

[Wiseman2]

These type of letters should never be sent. Every get-your-ex-back charlatan out there has a template just like the one you outlined. The reasons they are a horrible idea are manifold. The doubt you created for yourself is a major one. Did she read it? What did she think? Will she respond?, etc. Another downfall is you put this in writing so she may be showing it to her new bf and laughing or showing it to friends and they are rolling their eyes telling her "what a jerk". Or she brought it to the local precinct as proof of stalking and trespassing. Leave it be with her and do not contact her. Ever.

 

Next time write stuff out like this if it is therapeutic, but keep it to reread and only for yourself. Move on with dignity.That means when it's over it's over.

Should I wait a week before never expecting to hear from her? A month? Does anyone think she'll read it?

[Tch127]

Well I must admit you all have good points. I had doubts about leaving her the letter but I gotta admit I'm glad I did it. If she doesn't ever respond to it at the very least I said what I wanted so badly to say. She means the world to me so any ridicule that may happen behind my back with her next BF or her freinds doesn't really matter to me because I was able to take my time and convey how I really felt. If she reads it and never responds then at the very least she knows what I had to say. If she never reads it at all then that's ok too because I'll probably never know anyway. I do love and respect this woman so she won't hear from me anymore...as hard as that is to do. All I can really do at this point I suppose is hope that everything works out the way it's supposed to for the both of us. I suppose we never really know what life has in store and maybe just maybe we will find ourselves back in each other's lives one day. Who's to say?

[MissCanuck]

I don't think you're going to get a response, or at least not the one you're looking for. I think she likely will read it, but you probably won't get a positive reaction.

 

If I had asked an ex to please stop contacting me, and then he broke that boundary by personally coming to my house and dropping off a letter after 5 months, I would be very unhappy. I realize you didn't have a malicious intention, but you've just showed her you don't respect her request that you leave her alone. You're also inadvertently handing her proof of that of that; not good, should she ever take further action against your unwanted contact. Extreme scenario, maybe. But worth remembering.

 

Anyway, what's done is done. You said what you felt you had to say. The problem is that you didn't write this letter for the right reasons, so now you're waiting on tenterhooks and driving yourself bonkers that she hasn't responded. If you really had written this to get things off your chest and let the dust finally settle, that might be one thing as you wouldn't be expecting a reply. But that's not the situation here. You wrote it with the expectation that she will reply positively and come back to you - in other words, you've set yourself up for disappointment because your current emotional state now depends on her reaction (or lack thereof)

[lois111]

Hi wiseman. I have read some of your posts and think that you live up to your name and are very wise. Do you think that if an ex has requested no contact and has maintained radio silence to any reaching out that there is absolutely nothing the dumpee can do to alter the situation whatever they could think of? X

[lois111]

Hi wiseman. I have read some of your posts and think that you live up to your name and are very wise. Do you think that if an ex has requested no contact and has maintained radio silence to any reaching out that there is absolutely nothing the dumpee can do to alter the situation whatever they could think of? X

 

By the way anyone feel free to reply !!!! X

[boltnrun]

My ex too decided he "loved" me after I finally left him because he was behaving much like you did...not wanting me to be around when he hung out with his friends, not wanting to do normal things that people in real relationships did. So I left him.

 

Then he too decided to write to me (except his was in an email) saying he "loved" me and that he understood why I left but that he was still hoping.

 

I got so angry! Like, why didn't he put in this effort while we were dating? Why did it take me leaving for him to realize he "loved" me?? I found the whole thing ridiculous. He'd had his chance.

 

I did show his email to the new guy I was dating and admittedly, we laughed at him. We just thought how stupid the situation was because he could have told me all that while we were together. It was too late at that point to even try to salvage anything and besides, I didn't want him anymore.

 

Take this as a lesson learned...the time to realize you love a woman and want to truly be with her is while you're together, not after she's finally had enough and left you.

 

I hope you can respect her wishes and leave her alone. My ex bombarded me with messages and I finally had to tell him to knock it off or I was reporting him to the authorities. Please don't do that.

[Tch127]

To be clear I stated in the letter I wouldn't contact her anymore unless I heard from her. Which I plan to honor that...I had a few moments of weakness before I sat down and wrote the letter but I have more respect for myself and especially for her than to blow her phone up. Which is a large reason I wrote the letter in the first place. She made it clear she didn't want to see me but I am a stubborn man and had to say my piece. So what's done is done I suppose.

 

To add alittle more to the story she was pregnant with my child at one point. Unfortunately she lost the baby...but that alone was a large part of why I couldn't just drop it without really expressing myself. At the end of the day I can say I made every effort to be with the woman I love.

 

I seriously doubt she would ever mock me behind closed doors to her freinds or a new lover if she gets one...but if she did and I knew about it( which I wouldn't) it would just make things in a way easier. I don't personally believe that someone would do that if they truly cared about another person. Especially if they took the time to be so heartfelt and humble.

 

I choose to remain hopeful because while in most cases I know that reuniting with an ex is a sour experience. I also believe that in some cases a long hard breakup is what really seals the bond between two people once they finally come together again.

 

I'm not saying that will happen but hey can anyone blame a guy for wanting to believe in happy endings?

 

Good News, Bad News, Who can say?

[Batya33]

What you should expect is for her to take an additional step to get you to stop contacting her. What you did was self absorbed. It was all about you and you disresprcted her wishes. She’ll also be creeped out lnowngvyou showed up at her home. Most likely. If she read it she probably saved it in case she needs to get a restraining order. It’s great to write a letter like that. As long as you never sent it. I’m my early 20s I kept contacting an ex and he was really mad Luckily nothing happened but I learned my lesson. It was selfish of me.

[Morello]

The post-breakup love letter is always a bad idea, regardless of whether you might want to get together or not. Try to see this as a lesson learned and move on.

[MissCanuck]

Hi wiseman. I have read some of your posts and think that you live up to your name and are very wise. Do you think that if an ex has requested no contact and has maintained radio silence to any reaching out that there is absolutely nothing the dumpee can do to alter the situation whatever they could think of? X

 

Not really, because this strongly suggests the person has moved on and no longer sees the dumpee as a romantic interest. Feelings do change, and I know in the past mine certainly have when I felt like an ex was excluding me from his life too much. I eventually just didn't care what he did anymore, so we never reunited.

[Young mind]

Only one outcome = NOTHING, after 5 months, I believe she must have moved, even if not in totality but out of sight is really out of mind.

You blame yourself entirely because you were dumped and automatically your ex becomes a very shiny light , a mini -god you wronged and you have to be eternally grateful, these are your emotions running around, I also blamed myself, said all the things I could have done differently, 5 Months in , I now see my ex for who she really is, and I can say it's definitely not entirely you're fault, if it were , your relationship won't last a week.

The fact that you don't know her state of mind or what she's doing when she receives the letter makes it a total disaster of an idea.

You're still ruminating because you're not attempting to move on.

I too was once there, a month after the breakup, I wrote a "wonderful letter " , put it in a cute envelope to send , and just as I was about to do that, I looked up fb, Lo and behold, my ex was plastering pictures with the new man at the same moment, you can't start to imagine how much my letter will light up their nigjt, it will be something to laugh at for weeks, how pathetic I was. That's the moment I tore it up and had piece of mind.

In a few weeks after you don't get an answer, reality will set it, and I hope you will take it as turning point for you to move on.

What is done is done, try to move on with your own life

[Carus]

Great to see so much wisdom in here and I agree, the written letter or email will not help your cause. Especially if she has asked you not to contact her and you show up at her house...

 

The best thing you can get from this is that you have said what you needed to say for your OWN peace of mind.

 

She might respond at some point, but it could get bad if you try and contact her again now....

 

You will now need to prepare yourself for the long road of NC and the brutal withdrawals that will come as the finality sets in....

 

I'm a few months in now and whilst I did start to go up, it's as bad now as it was at the start....

 

And why is that...? Hope.

 

I held on to Hope for all that time and to be honest, there's still a tiny tiny bit that will drain away eventually....

 

How long you hold onto that Hope will be up to you and your attachment style, but it can really prolong your healing....

 

Perhaps this vid might help too ~

 

Be Strong

 

Carus*

[sputnik123]

hey Tch,

 

Honestly, do not send a letter. No good will ever come of it.

 

By all means write everything you want to say, put it all down on paper, read it and use it for YOUR benefit. It will help you acknowledge and accept your situation.

 

Then burn it, shred it, eat it.. just get rid of it, it's then done. (I promise, I speak from experience)

 

Main man *Carus above is bang on the money. It is truly the hope that kills you. Extinguish the hope (of a reconcile) and you will start to feel better.

 

The only person who can control your thoughts, actions and happiness from here is you.

 

If she ever comes back, cross that bridge when it happens, but please don't wait for it or expect it.

 

All the best.

[Tomthumb88]

I have to echo what everyone has said.. I tried the letter and sending it actually made me feel good for a bit but eventually I noticed there wasn’t going to be a response,at least not directly. My ex, long kept me on the end of a string and seemed to show up when I was really trying to move on and do just enough to keep me hoping and trying. She has done you a favor but cutting ties, I suggest you keep moving

[MissCanuck]

hey Tch,

 

Honestly, do not send a letter. No good will ever come of it.

 

By all means write everything you want to say, put it all down on paper, read it and use it for YOUR benefit. It will help you acknowledge and accept your situation.

 

Then burn it, shred it, eat it.. just get rid of it, it's then done. (I promise, I speak from experience)

 

Main man *Carus above is bang on the money. It is truly the hope that kills you. Extinguish the hope (of a reconcile) and you will start to feel better.

 

The only person who can control your thoughts, actions and happiness from here is you.

 

If she ever comes back, cross that bridge when it happens, but please don't wait for it or expect it.

 

All the best.

 

Too late for that, he delivered it to her house.

[sputnik123]

ohhhh, my bad! :(

[Tomthumb88]

Curious how it pans out.. hopefully it works out for him