Strange situation after a first date - opinions welcome

[Careerchoice]

My last message before she gave me that answer I posted here was:

 

"You went from 'I like you' to 'Even if we wanted to give us a chance'. I am tired of your nonsense and your attempts at finding faults. I think you really don't know what you want and you confirm my initial opinion that you are not ready for something serious yet. You seem to be diving into the deep just like that, hoping for some miracle without thinking about things and learning your lessons. Good night"

 

Sounds like a good message to me. Let things sit. If she wants back in, she's going to have to work for it.

[DancingFool]

She's probably been burned by men in the past. She's been used for sex.

 

Really? When? She was in a long term 8 year relationship that she literally just got out of. If she hasn't gotten over baggage from her dating experiences prior to this, meaning she is carrying damage from BEFORE 8 years of a relationship, then she is not mentally healthy. Period. NO sane person is going to carry this much damage for so many year and go ahead and dump all that on the first person she goes on a date with.

 

This woman is the definition of psycho and gives other women a bad name. To make excuses for that kind of behavior really speaks to your own lack of judgment, CC.

[katrina1980]

And whether I'm "ok" with dealing with misbehavior from women is not relevant to the question of whether I know how to handle it. Every man will have to make up his own mind as to what he is willing to endure. If a girl is sufficiently attractive, I will put up with a lot of her BS in order to have sex with her.

 

Good for you; there was no need to become so defensive about it. Geez. Just offering my perspective, tis all.

 

OP 'thanked' me for it, so at least he appreciated it.

[katrina1980]

So the feeling of being exhausted equates to showing his emotions to the girl? OP has a problem with holding his feelings inside.

 

No, the "feeling" doesn't he actually told her that.

 

From his original post.

 

 

I got fed up and told her I'm exhausted of this BS and ceased contact.

 

OP, stick with that, it was the right reaction and correct response under the circumstances -- After ONE date.

[Careerchoice]

Really? When? She was in a long term 8 year relationship that she literally just got out of. If she hasn't gotten over baggage from her dating experiences prior to this, meaning she is carrying damage from BEFORE 8 years of a relationship, then she is not mentally healthy. Period. NO sane person is going to carry this much damage for so many year and go ahead and dump all that on the first person she goes on a date with.

 

This woman is the definition of psycho and gives other women a bad name.

 

"Probably"; and I'd have to get to know more of her story to give you an accurate description of her experiences and how it affected her. I'll just telling you what I intuit.

 

You are more than welcome to judge this woman as psycho. I'm not going to argue with that, because I simply don't care whether she is or not. But many women feel the way she feels and have had her type of experiences, so I'm going to do my best to learn how to handle it in car I decide she's worth it.

 

To make excuses for that kind of behavior really speaks to your own lack of judgment, CC.

 

When did I make excuses for her?

[katrina1980]

 

But many women feel the way she feels and have had her type of experiences....

 

Yeah, insecure dysfunctional women. Again, they had ONE date, come on.

 

And even IF some women do feel that way, for the love of *, they know better than to lay all that **** on a guy after one date.

 

And if they don't, there is a screw loose somewhere.

[abitbroken]

And let me copy here her last message:

 

"You couldn't tell me anything nice, you couldn't overcome yourself to compliment me except 'I like your breasts'... Yes, I jumped in with both feet, I gave you everything without having to do your best. I just wanted you to make me feel better, too. I am a woman, us women need to hear nice things, I told you that before our date. I did everything that would make a man glad, but you couldn't overcome yourself to make me feel happy. The fact that I've broken up with my boyfriend recently has nothing to do with it. I just needed a little bit from you"

 

Well...i will say -- if the first compliment i heard was "i like your boobs" and not something more inocuous, I would think you were a bit of a jerk. That being said---- i do think she is a bit over the top.

 

Some of these things are okay for her to THINK (i, too, would want to call the guy at a usual "date night" or 'dinner with family"time in case i had a hunch he might not be unattached), but i would never TELL the guy that is what i was doing.

 

I think the only real mistake you made was to sleep with this woman even though she said "are you okay with us not doing anything (having sex)." at that point, you should have NOT spent the night!! I mean, thats a case where a woman can say that she said "no" but you did something anyways.

 

This woman has some work to do on herself and you shouldn't be there for it. On the other hand, do what you can to protect yourself from here on out of any accusations she may make. what a piece of work,

[bbogdanov]

Well...i will say -- if the first compliment i heard was "i like your boobs" and not something more inocuous, I would think you were a bit of a jerk. That being said---- i do think she is a bit over the top.

 

Some of these things are okay for her to THINK (i, too, would want to call the guy at a usual "date night" or 'dinner with family"time in case i had a hunch he might not be unattached), but i would never TELL the guy that is what i was doing.

 

I think the only real mistake you made was to sleep with this woman even though she said "are you okay with us not doing anything (having sex)." at that point, you should have NOT spent the night!! I mean, thats a case where a woman can say that she said "no" but you did something anyways.

 

This woman has some work to do on herself and you shouldn't be there for it. On the other hand, do what you can to protect yourself from here on out of any accusations she may make. what a piece of work,

 

Please look at post #14, I explained it there.

[bbogdanov]

As for her previous experiences - she told me a LOT of things about her during our text/call conversations and especially while we were laying in bed till 5 AM. One of the stories she shared with me, warning me that it could repulse me or even make me laugh/wonder how that could happen, was about her marrying at a young age. The story was literally about her meeting a guy she liked while on a vacation at the seaside. Nothing sexual happened between them but they exchanged numbers and months later, while they were texting each other and joking, when he asked her how she was doing, she told him she was waiting for him to come to her (he was living in another town) and propose to her. It was like some childish game but he took it serious and arrived later with his mother to arrange the wedding. She didn't even know his name, that's what she said. She "had" to marry him because she "couldn't" tell him it was only a joke and also "when you are young you think all men are the same so why not marry one of the many, the result will be the same whomever you happen to be with" - that last sentence were her words... They travelled to his hometown and lived there for couple of months before going back to hers to live there. Their marriage lasted for 10 months and she said they were the worst ones of her life. He was controlling, jealous, and at the same time he cheated on her. They divorced eventually.

 

I heard that story in the middle of the night while I was sleepy and honestly, while it sounded strange to me (to say the least), I didn't exactly think much about it. When I am recalling it now, it seems surreal. I don't even know how is this possible. Either she lies and exaggerates or this is the most insane thing I've heard in a long time...

[maew]

What concerns me, is this: "I gave you everything without having to do your best. I just wanted you to make me feel better, too"... and this: "you couldn't overcome yourself to make me feel happy"... I feel suffocated just reading that, never mind being told that after the first date! Sure people (not just women!) like being appreciated and complimented... this woman takes it to the extreme. Needy, demanding, controlling, low confidence... and this would get worse as time went on.

 

Oh dating, so much fun I tell you!

[MissCanuck]

Whatever has happened in her past does not give her permission to hold a virtual stranger (ie. you) emotional hostage for it.

 

Something tells me that while she may have indeed dated jerks before, she's got a lot of issues all on her own as well. She has already showed you very clearly she can't handle even casual dating at this time in her life. As I mentioned before, I dated a man like this. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. You can't come out on top with people like this; you will always be walking on eggshells and inadvertently offending them in some way. He too claimed an awful past with women, but I later found out that much of what he told me about his cheating exes wasn't true at all - in fact, it was the other way around. It's just better for you not to get involved when you're already seeing this much guff.

 

From what I gather, you've more or less called an end to this. Good for you. Stay away unless you want frequent and intensifying headaches.

[IAmFCA]

My last message before she gave me that answer I posted here was:

 

"You went from 'I like you' to 'Even if we wanted to give us a chance'. I am tired of your nonsense and your attempts at finding faults. I think you really don't know what you want and you confirm my initial opinion that you are not ready for something serious yet. You seem to be diving into the deep just like that, hoping for some miracle without thinking about things and learning your lessons. Good night"

 

After 1 date, even this feels like too much.

 

I recently ended a thing that never began after two meets. There was so much energy coming at me that I shut it down. It goes both ways. I ent on three dates with someone recently, our last date ended with him saying "I will call you"... and he didn't... and I never requested or even desired an explanation. We need to let people go, let them do their thing. Not waste our time trying to give them therapy or get therapy for ourselves along the way.

 

Sometimes, I meet someone whose feedback I would trust to be helpful to me down the road, but that is very unusual. Why would i trust their feedback when they know me in such a superficial manner?

[DancingFool]

As for her previous experiences - she told me a LOT of things about her during our text/call conversations and especially while we were laying in bed till 5 AM. One of the stories she shared with me, warning me that it could repulse me or even make me laugh/wonder how that could happen, was about her marrying at a young age. The story was literally about her meeting a guy she liked while on a vacation at the seaside. Nothing sexual happened between them but they exchanged numbers and months later, while they were texting each other and joking, when he asked her how she was doing, she told him she was waiting for him to come to her (he was living in another town) and propose to her. It was like some childish game but he took it serious and arrived later with his mother to arrange the wedding. She didn't even know his name, that's what she said. She "had" to marry him because she "couldn't" tell him it was only a joke and also "when you are young you think all men are the same so why not marry one of the many, the result will be the same whomever you happen to be with" - that last sentence were her words... They travelled to his hometown and lived there for couple of months before going back to hers to live there. Their marriage lasted for 10 months and she said they were the worst ones of her life. He was controlling, jealous, and at the same time he cheated on her. They divorced eventually.

 

I heard that story in the middle of the night while I was sleepy and honestly, while it sounded strange to me (to say the least), I didn't exactly think much about it. When I am recalling it now, it seems surreal. I don't even know how is this possible. Either she lies and exaggerates or this is the most insane thing I've heard in a long time...

 

....If you've ever wondered what real clinical insanity looks like.....you've met her. Check this one off your bucket list.......

[boltnrun]

I hope we don't end up reading that you decided to ask her on another date.

 

Last time you continued to try to date someone who clearly was not right for you. I hope it doesn't happen again.

[figureitout23]

I hope we don't end up reading that you decided to ask her on another date.

 

Last time you continued to try to date someone who clearly was not right for you. I hope it doesn't happen again.

 

Oh yeah... bb what was that outcome?

 

To comment on this post. To be quite frank, I feel a piece of the puzzle is missing. To lay in bed at 5 am and share all that is odd to say the least was it a mutual sharing?

 

The last guy I dated and I had a fun evening of drinking and just enjoying each others company and we had a ball sharing our cringeworthy relationship follies. Then again it wasn't after the first date....again I just find it odd she did all that and without knowing what was happening on the other side I'm not going to jump to the 'she's crazy' conclusion. I need to know what the convo was like on both sides.

[bbogdanov]

I hope we don't end up reading that you decided to ask her on another date.

 

Last time you continued to try to date someone who clearly was not right for you. I hope it doesn't happen again.

 

I hope that, too I ceased contact 3 days ago and I have no desire to reach out anymore. Meanwhile my first date list got to the number of 15 Fifteen new women I've met from July 2017 up to now and I'm still single. Forever alone

[bbogdanov]

Oh yeah... bb what was that outcome?

 

To comment on this post. To be quite frank, I feel a piece of the puzzle is missing. To lay in bed at 5 am and share all that is odd to say the least was it a mutual sharing?

 

The last guy I dated and I had a fun evening of drinking and just enjoying each others company and we had a ball sharing our cringeworthy relationship follies. Then again it wasn't after the first date....again I just find it odd she did all that and without knowing what was happening on the other side I'm not going to jump to the 'she's crazy' conclusion. I need to know what the convo was like on both sides.

 

You mean the previous girl that still lives with her ex? We are friends on FB and she messages me occasionally but I have no interest in her at the moment. I told her that she needs to get rid of her problems and some day in the future, if it's meant to be, we can think about it.

 

As for the sharing - she's shared a lot of things about her past through messaging/calling and in that situation at her place you're talking about. I can't say it was a 50/50 mutual sharing. I told her some things about me, too, but nowhere near the amount of info she shared with me. We were literally laying in bed after sex and having talk and she was like "what do you think about me?" "do you find a difference between us because I'm older?", "do you like me?" and similar superficial stuff. Then things went deeper and she opened up to me with more personal stories like the one about her divorce. She just said "I have some strange things happened to me in the past but I don't want to tell you about it because I'm afraid it can repulse you" to which I said "well, you shouldn't have said that then". She hesitated for a little while and then told me the story about her marriage/divorce. There were other situations like this when she hinted that there's something about her that she wants to share with me (without me asking for it) but she's afraid of doing so and every time I was thinking "?? why then tell me about it and then not sharing it??"