Strange situation after a first date - opinions welcome

[bbogdanov]

Two weeks ago I matched with a girl on a dating site (I'm 30, she's 34). We started texting back and forth and then exchanged numbers. She asked me if I would mind her calling me and I said it was fine, no problem. We talked for couple of hours and she told me that she wanted to call me without spending too much time texting because she didn't know if I am some liar or not (having a girlfriend or a wife or something like that). In other words, calling me will assure her of my intentions and my "single" status, somehow (I honestly don't know how she could be sure about anything just by calling me, but never mind...). I saw that as a little red flag but I thought she'd been burned by married/not-single men in the past so I shrugged it off. Another red flag I missed was the fact she'd broken up with her boyfriend of 8 years literally couple of weeks ago. She told me she feels she'd wasted her youth and nothing was happening so she'd decided to leave him because she wanted a family and kids. I told her that didn't sound good and I feared that I may be a rebound, that she is not ready for a new relationship but she felt offended by my words. She said she'd overcome it long ago because things hadn't been going well. So I decided to ignore that fact, contrary to what most of you would recommend (like in my other topic about a girl I met not so long ago).

 

For the next week, our texting/calling increased gradually and she pursued me more and more. We agreed for a date several days after matching in the site but I got sick and had to stay at home for a week. She was initially a little bit disappointed and literally said "yeah, of course you are sick at home..." (like I was lying to her) and then asked me for another time if I was married or had a girlfriend. I saw that as a red flag as well, correct me if I am wrong? One day she was going back home from work and texted me that she would call me soon to talk but I was still sick at home and I really wasn't in a mood for conversations so I told her. Nevertheless she called me later that evening but I ingored her call and texted her that I'd told her I don't want to talk now (maybe it was rude of me?). She got angry and felt hurt when I contacted her the day after but we forgot about the situation and continued texting/calling each day. She was constantly sharing stories from her life and she opened up to me. She'd even called me one night at 2 AM while being out (and probably a little bit drunk) but I saw it in the morning and felt a little bit angry and controlled somewhat. I confronted her about that because I didn't like it.

 

Eventually we agreed for a date last Friday and we went to a restaurant for dinner. Everything was fine, I liked her and it seemed she liked me too. After the date I dropped her home but she thought for a second and then invited me at her place for half an hour or so. We watched some sitcoms on tv while hugging on the couch and suddenly she asked me if I would be upset if we didn't "do anything". I told her "no problem, I'm not here for that". She then invited me to stay for the night and we went to the bedroom. We talked for couple of hours and eventually had sex. After we parted ways in the morning, she became very different.

 

I contacted her the same day but she told me that I don't have to force myself to do it. She said that I didn't like her and she couldn't feel appreciation because I failed to compliment her on her looks or something like that. Also, when asking me if I saw a visible difference between us (because she is older) I couldn't provide her with a definitive answer (I was sleepy by the time and I don't remember my exact words but I didn't insult her for sure, I really didn't see much of a difference between us). For the next couple of days we discussed these things hundreds of times and I told her that I'd enjoyed her company and that I'd liked her but she just didn't want to believe me. All that she "knew" was that she felt insulted, not appreciated, not complimented etc. I told her that actions speak louder that words but she insisted on hearing she is beautiful, she doesn't look much older than me (she said in a sentence once that "I know I look like your aunt to you"... ??) etc. I got fed up and told her I'm exhausted of this BS and ceased contact. I really liked her but things went wrong somewhere...

 

What do you think about the situation? I'd like to hear opinions about my mistakes and where I can better myself at. I am still learning so don't judge me harsh.

[nao]

Honestly as a woman, I don t think you did anything wrong, this woman has issues, lots of issues... A mentally healthy 34 old woman would never act like she does.... I would stay away from her...

[DaisyMayPorter]

This has red flags all over it. You hadn’t even gone out yet or did anything wrong and she’s suspecting you have someone else? Then she invites you back to her place (was that the first date?) then says she doesn’t want to do anything then changes her mind. She seems to have a lot of insecurities. It’s nice for people to compliment each other but the fact that she brought it up is very weird. You’ve known her for such a short time and there’s all these little dramas with her already. I would say let this one go. You’ll find someone new and less dramatic to talk to.

[MissCanuck]

Nope, nope and even more nope.

 

All of this drama and you've had one date? She is going to be an utter headache to deal with, OP. She has issues you cannot fix.

 

I am sorry but I would not continue seeing her. She's nowhere near ready for a relationship if she's already causing this much conflict. Keep moving so you can find someone who isn't this emotionally off-balance.

[bbogdanov]

I may have said something that insulted her but I had honest intentions and I wanted to continue dating her. I may have not told her explicitly that I like her, she's beautiful or whatever, but I thought my actions showed her I'd liked her. I texted and called her for two days after the date and I tried to convince her that whatever happened that night, I did want to continue dating her and I liked her. She was constantly coming up with some excuses (I think of her arguments like excuses). I told her that she is rejecting me by doing that, I am not rejecting her because I like her and I want to go out with her. She said she was not rejecting me, she liked me. Yet things went nowhere and I got fed up. I just couldn't convince her that I want to explore things with her. She started saying things like "maybe you should find a woman closer to your age, under 30" and BS like that. I think I messed things up by not validating her with my words, but is that healthy at all? We all want to be appreciated, to feel desirable, but I think she has some issues.

[MissCanuck]

OP, you didn't do anything wrong.

 

A mature, stable 34-year-old woman doesn't behave the way she does and make you jump through ridiculous hoops like this. You barely even know her; I promise you that you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg now.

 

My ex was very similar. It is a sign of worse to come and you can't do a darn thing about it because you didn't cause it. Trust me, she is not dating material.

[bbogdanov]

This has red flags all over it. You hadn’t even gone out yet or did anything wrong and she’s suspecting you have someone else? Then she invites you back to her place (was that the first date?) then says she doesn’t want to do anything then changes her mind. She seems to have a lot of insecurities. It’s nice for people to compliment each other but the fact that she brought it up is very weird. You’ve known her for such a short time and there’s all these little dramas with her already. I would say let this one go. You’ll find someone new and less dramatic to talk to.

 

She was wondering if I had someone else because she was in fear she could be burned, that I will use her just for sex (that's what I understand from her point of view). She invited me to her place when we were saying goodbye to each other in my car, after the first date dinner. I do think she has some insecurities but I don't know where they may come from. The main two things, I think, are her age (she's 34 and I guess the time pressures her because she wants kids) and the other one is her appearance (which, btw, is very good; she's beautiful, tall, has big breasts etc. definitely not something to be insecure about...).

[DaisyMayPorter]

I’m not sure why you want to continue to date her, she seems like a lot of work. And things will only get worse. Move on from her, you’ll find someone with much less drama. And why does she keep harping on the age? 30 and 34 are not that far apart.

[bbogdanov]

I'm not sure I want to, anymore. I want to extract as much info as I can from the situation so I understand more about relationships and about myself, of course : )

[DaisyMayPorter]

She has plenty of child bearing years ahead of her. She should take some time from her last relationship, be alone and get through her issues.

[bbogdanov]

She has plenty of child bearing years ahead of her. She should take some time from her last relationship, be alone and get through her issues.

 

I think, in her head, she pictures her future and having kids an year or so from now. Because one of the things she told me is that she is afraid of trying to explore things with me because I'm younger and if one year from now things don't turn out to be good and we break up, she would have wasted another year of her precious time and she won't be able to have kids. That's why she thinks it would be a better idea for her to look for an older man (older than her). When I heard that, it seemed like she has some strict plan about finding a boyfriend, spending some time with him (an year or so) and then having children. It seemed very strange, like everything is guaranteed, while it's far from that...

[bbogdanov]

And let me copy here her last message:

 

"You couldn't tell me anything nice, you couldn't overcome yourself to compliment me except 'I like your breasts'... Yes, I jumped in with both feet, I gave you everything without having to do your best. I just wanted you to make me feel better, too. I am a woman, us women need to hear nice things, I told you that before our date. I did everything that would make a man glad, but you couldn't overcome yourself to make me feel happy. The fact that I've broken up with my boyfriend recently has nothing to do with it. I just needed a little bit from you"

[DaisyMayPorter]

Can I make a suggestion? I know that she was fishing for compliments but If a guy told me “I like your b———“ on the first date, I would be a insulted. That’s not an appropriate first complement.

[bbogdanov]

That comment of mine was made when we were texting and talking about sex (she was sharing with me stories about what she likes and what she doesn't), it was in the context of the conversation and I tried to compliment her. It was meant to lift her spirits because she thought I didn't find her beautiful, sexy, desirable and it was appropriate because of the conversation topic. Don't think I will say "I like your breasts" to a woman on the first date, just like that

[DancingFool]

This woman is a complete and utter nutcase. You ignored a whole lot of red flags right from the get go and while you seem to realize that, you are also trying to make a lot of excuses for her crazy behavior.

 

Your dating will improve when you stop excusing bad behavior. It's really that simple. I don't care if she has been burned by married men looking to cheat. If you are a sane woman and have your head screwed on straight, you simply do not accuse the next man of being the same and imply that he is a liar before you've ever even met him or have any cause to believe he is a liar and if you do believe that, you don't date him. Calling you, texting you as much as she was doing - she was literally trying to catch you out in something. She had already judged you a liar in her mind. It just goes downhill from there.

 

Your date....honestly I wouldn't have gone on any date given how she was acting before the date. Telling you nothing is going to happen, but then asking you to stay....honestly, if I were a man, I wouldn't risk sleeping with a basketcase like that. She could accuse you of rape, she could get pregnant. There comes a point where you do need to consider the risk reward situation and realize that sleeping with someone who is clearly unhinged is too great of a risk. The wild accusations after.....honestly, you are getting off lightly here. Block her and disappear and in the future, maybe be a whole lot more discerning and don't ignore such giant red flags.

[solidcase]

I'd like to hear opinions about my mistakes and where I can better myself at. I am still learning so don't judge me harsh.

 

Yeah, you didn't make any mistakes. The only mistake you could possibly make at this point would be pushing forward with this woman who has shown you (Already! That's kind of cool.) that she has some severe emotional and trust issues to work through, complicated by a recent separation from an 8 year relationship. I'd move along.

[DaisyMayPorter]

That comment of mine was made when we were texting and talking about sex (she was sharing with me stories about what she likes and what she doesn't), it was in the context of the conversation and I tried to compliment her. It was meant to lift her spirits because she thought I didn't find her beautiful, sexy, desirable and it was appropriate because of the conversation topic. Don't think I will say "I like your breasts" to a woman on the first date, just like that

 

Got it, I figured. :-) She should not be asking you to compliment her at all. Just move on from her. You don’t need the drama.

[Careerchoice]

She'd even called me one night at 2 AM while being out (and probably a little bit drunk) but I saw it in the morning and felt a little bit angry and controlled somewhat. I confronted her about that because I didn't like it.

 

Unjustified reaction. Why would you punish someone for showing interest in you? Nothing controlling about it. If you don't want to be contacted in the middle of the night, fine, but nothing worth anger.

 

I contacted her the same day but she told me that I don't have to force myself to do it. She said that I didn't like her and she couldn't feel appreciation because I failed to compliment her on her looks or something like that. Also, when asking me if I saw a visible difference between us (because she is older) I couldn't provide her with a definitive answer (I was sleepy by the time and I don't remember my exact words but I didn't insult her for sure, I really didn't see much of a difference between us). For the next couple of days we discussed these things hundreds of times and I told her that I'd enjoyed her company and that I'd liked her but she just didn't want to believe me. All that she "knew" was that she felt insulted, not appreciated, not complimented etc. I told her that actions speak louder that words but she insisted on hearing she is beautiful, she doesn't look much older than me (she said in a sentence once that "I know I look like your aunt to you"... ??) etc. I got fed up and told her I'm exhausted of this BS and ceased contact. I really liked her but things went wrong somewhere...

 

What do you think about the situation? I'd like to hear opinions about my mistakes and where I can better myself at. I am still learning so don't judge me harsh.

 

I haven't read any other posts on this thread yet, and I'm sure you will get lots of "you dodged a bullet with that one", "she's crazy", etc., but one thing I get from her is something we spoke about prior: your inability to emote. From our conversations, I get the impression that you hold your feelings inside too much. Not willing to fully show when you are upset, jealous, that you care. Women can sense this and they will inadvertently "test" you on it to see if you genuinely care about them, rather than just using them for sex.

 

What would I have done in your scenario? After telling her I am attracted to her or whatever she was questioning me about, I would have gotten gotten visibly angry with her. Because at that point, she was calling you a liar. I won't be insulted like that. Then if she didn't change her tune, I would have told her to have a good life and hung up the phone on her.

[Careerchoice]

I do think she has some insecurities but I don't know where they may come from.

 

She's probably been burned by men in the past. She's been used for sex.

[Careerchoice]

And let me copy here her last message:

 

"You couldn't tell me anything nice, you couldn't overcome yourself to compliment me except 'I like your breasts'... Yes, I jumped in with both feet, I gave you everything without having to do your best. I just wanted you to make me feel better, too. I am a woman, us women need to hear nice things, I told you that before our date. I did everything that would make a man glad, but you couldn't overcome yourself to make me feel happy. The fact that I've broken up with my boyfriend recently has nothing to do with it. I just needed a little bit from you"

 

She didn't feel appreciated by you, I can tell you that much. I compliment the women I date all the time, but it doesn't come from a place of me trying to get them to like me. It's as if I am an authority whose opinion matters. So I can throw out a lot of compliments without coming across as a guy who's just trying to get in her pants. I am real about it.

 

As a result, I don't get put in this position where the girl has to ask me to appreciate her. In PUA terminology (no flaming, please), this is called "qualification". And it's best to do it on something other than looks, although I will do that from time-to-time as well.

 

Need more raw emotion out of you.

[IAmFCA]

Another red flag I missed was the fact she'd broken up with her boyfriend of 8 years literally couple of weeks ago.

 

Once learning this detail, should this happen again, say something like, "I am interested in learning more about you. Even so, I have set a policy for myself not to date anyone who is within a year of divorce... and a break-up after an 8-year cohabitation is rather like divorce. Perhaps we will run into one another again, or seek each other out, a year from now, but for now, I have to bow out."

 

Seek this sort of information out in your early conversations so you can weed out a candidate early.

[katrina1980]

>>"I'm exhausted from this BS"

 

Not sure if those were his exact words, but I'd say he "emoted" quite well right there.

 

But even if he didn't, they had one date.

 

This is way too much drama after one date.

 

Cc, if you'd be be okay with all that drama from a chick after one date, regardless of how much "emoting" was done, more power to ya.

[Careerchoice]

>>"I'm exhausted from this BS"

 

Not sure if those were his exact words, but I'd say he "emoted" quite well right there.

 

So the feeling of being exhausted equates to showing his emotions to the girl? OP has a problem with holding his feelings inside.

[Careerchoice]

Cc, if you'd be be okay with all that drama from a chick after one date, regardless of how much "emoting" was done, more power to ya.

 

And whether I'm "ok" with dealing with misbehavior from women is not relevant to the question of whether I know how to handle it. Every man will have to make up his own mind as to what he is willing to endure. If a girl is sufficiently attractive, I will put up with a lot of her BS in order to have sex with her.

[bbogdanov]

My last message before she gave me that answer I posted here was:

 

"You went from 'I like you' to 'Even if we wanted to give us a chance'. I am tired of your nonsense and your attempts at finding faults. I think you really don't know what you want and you confirm my initial opinion that you are not ready for something serious yet. You seem to be diving into the deep just like that, hoping for some miracle without thinking about things and learning your lessons. Good night"