Down the rabbit hole..again?

[suzanna80]

In November, I posted a thread about my infidelity situation in which I were at fault. If you want to catch up, you may want to read it. It was posted around the end of November and if you are struggling with infidelity, then you may

 

I have been through emotional hell with my choices. Each and every day that I blocked Bruce's number, social media accounts, everything the stronger I became. My endless thoughts of him became less frequent and with the strength of my husband, I began to heal. We almost became normal. Then I came home, and my husband was gone. He left after Christmas. He was kind enough to get us through the holidays and WHAM...out of nowhere, he left. Now I'm the one feeling betrayed, I'm the one that feels lied to. I came clean on everything, and I do mean everything. I thought that we were moving on. I was wrong, and I was left. Though I never actually had intercourse with Bruce, there is no denying my feelings with him and the grief over the loss of him in my life.

 

I've spend the past few weeks pulling myself together. Then, earlier this week...Bruce came to my work to let me know that he left his wife before Christmas that it was a "mutual" decision that he had heard I had done the same (not really) and that otherwise he would not have come there. Neither of us are technically divorced, so we agreed to do the grown up thing for our kids and not see each other for at least several months and then maybe, just maybe revaluate the situation. So, here I am...if you ever think about cheating read my posts. I will fill in the gaps as I can...because so many predictions and your experiences were spot on. One that keeps creeping in my mind "he's not done with you...".

 

Well, this morning after three weeks my husband called me and said he wanted a second chance. That he has forgiven me. That he CAN move past this if I agree to move to another state with him...for good. Which means, we would uproot and sell out everything and move on. My children are of course my priority. Though I didn't act like it, they always were. They are adjusting and have found that I seem to be happier alone for now. Maybe I just need more time.

 

Fast forward, Bruce came back to my work this afternoon and said that he just couldn't wait any longer that he wanted to spend time with me. So, I do not mean to sound crude and I'm sorry if it does sound this way...but do you think that he is just after what he always was? I don't know. I wish I could say that i've totally NOT given it a thought, but of course I have. I even told him about my husbands call today and he didn't seem to care. He said for me to do what I wanted to do but he wanted to be part of my life no matter how long it took. I kind of get the feeling that he is wanting an affair status back in some ways, only no stopping point this time. :(

 

I'm thinking I will move to another state and leave them both behind though. I'm such an idiot. The first thing I thought of when I saw Bruce was how much I love(d) that man...still. After all of this. As Johnny Depp says, if you love two people, then go with the second because you didn't love the first one enough.... So yes, I have reservations.

 

Yep, so there's your update. I'm falling down the rabbit hole with no more emotions to spare.

[j.man]

You did not just quote Johnny Depp as any form of authority on the matter. Oh, man... *rubs eyes for a solid 5 minutes*

 

And didn't you just say your children are supposedly your priority? Setting aside that not acting in the interest of something inherently makes that something *not* the priority, I would think it would be in your children's interests to work on a way they could be in proximity to their father as well. You're a grown woman, mother, and (at least currently) a wife. Start thinking and acting responsibly.

[Lester]

"The first thing I thought of when I saw Bruce was how much I love(d) that man...still."

- It was a predator/victim relationship..., never love. It still is.

 

You've been given rare, multiple chances to discover and fix what went wrong in your marriage.

Yet, you're still fluttering around like this is some sort of game.

 

P.S. What is it with you and your husband that you think moving/going places solves anything?

[Hollyj]

I really feel for your kids and husband! Me, me, me!!!!

 

You seem to have forgotten that you are a role modal.

 

I also love how you portray yourself as a victim. Look up narcissism.

[Hollyj]

"The first thing I thought of when I saw Bruce was how much I love(d) that man...still."

- It was a predator/victim relationship..., never love. It still is.

 

You've been given rare, multiple chances to discover and fix what went wrong in your marriage.

Yet, you're still fluttering around like this is some sort of game.

 

P.S. What is it with you and your husband that you think moving/going places solves anything?

 

Victim??????

[Babbsi]

I personally know how intoxicating an affair can feel. However the fantasy you have in your mind about what Bruce would be like sharing a life with you versus the reality are very different. After all the chaos calms down and you realize the damage your family will suffer this will not be worth it. If my ex husband would have ever said anything like yours I wouldn’t be where I am today. Shuffling kids back and forth, missing them they missing you, the stress an angry ex husband will bring as well as significant others impacting your children’s lives will NOT be worth it. I would give anything to change my choices but that is not possible and rekindling anything with my ex is not an option. Fight for your family. In the end I can tell you they really are all that matters.

[boltnrun]

You can do whatever you want with "Bruce" as long as you don't care what your children will think or how it will affect them.

[Jibralta]

I even told him about my husbands call today and he didn't seem to care. He said for me to do what I wanted to do but he wanted to be part of my life no matter how long it took. I kind of get the feeling that he is wanting an affair status back in some ways, only no stopping point this time. :(

 

Probably. That's no self-respect right there. And people with no self-respect don't have any respect for you.

[SweetGirl28]

Why would you need to move if you stay with your husband? To move away from Bruce?

There will just be another man to cross your path thst you'll be attracted to if you don't fix this broken marriage

correctly. That's running away from the issue. You moving and leaving them both behind would also be very selfish.

If you can't face your demons, how will you escape them by moving? All you'll be doing is uprooting your children

and disrupting their lives. How old are they?

[Lester]

Victim??????

 

To get the warped and misused sex he desires, the sexual predator employs tools to inflate his victims low self-esteem.

The victim confuses these common snares with love and other empowering emotions.

 

The confusion blinds her, thus making her helpless and a victim.

 

 

PS, Most husbands confuse their wife's actions as intentional. They bolt, leaving her nowhere to turn. The predator get's his misused sex, and almost always, moves on.

[itsallgrand]

Are you saying you are thinking of abandoning your children ?

[Dagger76]

As a man who went through this hell and more because my ex just cheated and abandoned me and didnt even live or want the guy eho she left me for......

Stop playing the victim of a put of your control life and woe is me what am i to do im so torn

You're entitled, selfish , a drama queen who while claims how torn and broken YOU are. I reality you crave this because the focus is clearly on you at all times. Your husband,kids, other man, his family. All are Publix in this little game you're playing to make your self feel like you're the most important thing on the planet. Your husband left you finally because he finally had enough of your b******* you think you are broken and torn and don't know what to do. Multiply that by about 10,000 and you'll know why your husband finally left your

I gave my wife the option of reconciling twice she ignored it completely and rejected it. No I live in a split family my kids are from one place to the other and have to watch a parade of men go through her life including her boyfriend who she can't seem to stay with for more than a couple months. All because she couldn't admit that she was broken inside and just wanted to have all the attention and be selfish. If someone actually talk to your husband I'm sure they would find out that this entitled selfish me me me attitude does not just suddenly arise from an affair. That's just who you are and while he's torn as well and wants his family stable unless you actually do the work to change and to make it better and to be a better person then you are now then he's in for a long depressing life and it's probably better he just stays away and probably better if you don't take him back.

As for your Affair partner he's also a piece of s*** and will dump you soon as the next best thing comes along because like him you both share absolutely zero empathy for the people in your family your kids and your spouse's that you are hurting incredibly by doing all this. I'd say you deserve each other but you guys don't deserve anything even close to love because you have no understanding of it.

People can say their story and say they'll change all they want but until they actually do then nothing changes and you're not sorry. Drop both these guys from your life get your s*** together continue counseling take a real good hard look at yourself and what you want and stop dragging everyone else into it. This is your second marriage as you said and obviously you're not really good at it.

It's all sounds very harsh I'm sure and it is because reality is Harsh. But I am coming from the other side of all this and I'll tell you right now it is f****** hell and you are solely responsible for it in the case of your husband and even the case of your spouse of your Affair partners wife. I'd rip your Affair partner a new one too but he's not on here so I can't and that's because he doesn't give two s**** about you or about any of this. Grow up be a good mother bye providing your children with a stable sound life with or without your husband but make a decision

[Hollyj]

To get the warped and misused sex he desires, the sexual predator employs tools to inflate his victims low self-esteem.

The victim confuses these common snares with love and other empowering emotions.

 

The confusion blinds her, thus making her helpless and a victim.

 

 

PS, Most husbands confuse their wife's actions as intentional. They bolt, leaving her nowhere to turn. The predator get's his misused sex, and almost always, moves on.

 

The only victims are the kids and husband. She made a choice!

[DancingFool]

The only victims are the kids and husband. She made a choice!

 

And Bruce's wife. She didn't make a choice to be cheated on by that subhuman scum either.

 

As for the OP....I have no words or rather...censored....

[boltnrun]

Her actions WERE "intentional". She admits to seeking him out and telling him she loves him even after coming clean to her husband. Now she wants to leave her family to pursue sex with "Bruce". I doubt she's doing that "unintentionally".

 

If she has "nowhere to turn", she has no one to blame but herself. The word "no" is very short and easy to pronounce and she could have said it to "Bruce" at any time.

[thealchemist]

Well if there is ever infidelity in a relationship then there is a systemic failure already present there that is the fault of both people in the relationship.

 

Now her choosing to have an affair isn't her husbands fault. But the fact that there is a weakpoint in their marriage that can be taken advantage of is both of their faults.

 

She simply decided to seek satisfaction outside of their relationship in spite of it.

 

Now she is playing the "I'm totally powerless card" bullsh*t when each and every time she did this she made the conscious choice.

 

"No" is such a simple and easy to say word that you wouldn't think it was this difficult to say.

 

The OP just seems to selfish too even be capable of quality romantic relationship currently.

 

If you can't say no then there is no point even trying to reconcile. There will just be another "Bruce" somewhere down the line.

[j.man]

I think it strips woman of a whole lot of agency and really just a basic sense of self awareness to assume them hapless victims in this and similar situations. I mean, it pretty much lowers the bar to the level of responsibility I put on my mobile potato of a cat.

 

I wouldn't conflate the guy having initiated with him having any more or less intent or control over participation. If a package is misdelivered to your house and you decide to keep it and open it, you're still no less an ***hole than someone who goes out of their way to swipe one.

[Hollyj]

And Bruce's wife. She didn't make a choice to be cheated on by that subhuman scum either.

 

As for the OP....I have no words or rather...censored....

 

Oops! I missed her.

[suzanna80]

Ouch. Yes, reading most of these hurts to read but I guess sometimes the truth hurts. But is any of this really the truth? I said that I promised if I get through this as a whole person, I would post to help others once I figure it all out.

 

I want to make a few things clear. One, I NEVER, EVER would ever consider leaving my children for any reason, ever. They are the true light of my life, and I work as hard as I do to give them the opportunities that I can in life. I struggle as they are getting older and aren't as willing to go for a walk with me or ride our horses like they once adored. They have life, and they are just at that age that being with me is not the "fun" thing to do. I am a good mother to them and I would never keep them from their father. I've just mentioned that he is not a big part of their life, never has been. So, that is not a valid point in this.

 

Secondly, this is not about sex. Never has been, really for I did not cheat on my husband in that way. It does not make it any better, because thinking I love another man is probably worse. Point being, I did NOT CHOOSE for this to happen. I wish it wouldn't have. I did not choose to feel this way about anyone, no more than I think it is a choice to be gay. I can control my actions, but I cannot control my feelings. I have tired and thought I had succeeded. Maybe I would have if my husband just would have stayed longer. We were getting back to our normal.

 

Nothing was fixed as far as his jealousy and wanting to control my life. THAT is why he wants to move to another state...to keep me from my family and the few friends I have. He hates that I have a support system, and tells me all of the time that my family is bad for me and causes too much drama. I am not a drama queen, and I do not see myself as a victim. I see myself as a human being and a woman that made a mistake and I asked for forgiveness from everyone. Nothing was good enough and I have paid the price in my otherwise unflawed life.

 

There is not a stereotype in infidelity and I'm loving proof. Yay me. So, I do appreciate the input. I do think that I just need more time. I told my husband that I am not moving, but Bruce is. I told him to go. So, maybe that will help. I do not think either are scumbags. I think I love Bruce enough to tell him bye and I know I love my children enough to say married to their father. So, that's that. Wish me luck.

[j.man]

How can he just move to another state?

[boltnrun]

"Bruce" is going to move because you told him to?

[Pleasedonot5]

Come on, OP. Stop playing the victim. You had EVERY ability to say no, yet you CHOSE to let this happen.

 

Work on your marriage for Christ's sake. Your husband is understandably hurt and needed time... You playing the victim because he left for a few weeks? Come on... Seriously?

 

Cut off Bruce and work on your freaking marriage.

[Hollyj]

Do you love the husband? His controlling behavior sounds unhealthy!!!!

 

Do not stay with your husband, if you are doing it for the kids. It is not healthy for the kids to stay in a dysfunctional marriage. I am not suggesting that you go to Bruce.

[Lester]

From your 12/06/2017 #44 post:

"...but I do think it does start with that I'm on eggshells not to provoke a temper flare up and like I said, my husband is very selfish with me and my time. I have no time to even talk to my mom or he gets annoyed. He is controlling but no, it was not an excuse to cheat."

 

From your 01/26/2018 #19 post:

"Nothing was fixed as far as his jealousy and wanting to control my life. THAT is why he wants to move to another state...to keep me from my family and the few friends I have. He hates that I have a support system, and tells me all of the time that my family is bad for me and causes too much drama."

 

 

My response to you then, and sadly, again today:

----------

- This is it! ^^^

 

FEAR

 

And while it may not be an excuse to cheat, it's what drives countless numbers of wives to cheat.

Until you're willing to face and fix this, your marriage is doomed.*

 

This is the time to challenge him, this is the time to start getting the marriage you deserve.

 

 

* There are millions of wives who choose to live this way, but what they have is not a genuine marriage, instead just husk of a marriage.

----------

 

 

Suzanne, your continuing, and unfounded fear of your husband is what keeps you flapping in the wind.

Anytime a person allows their fears to keep them from doing what they need to do, they become a victim of circumstances.

 

It can't be avoided by running away.

The other man is just another type of running away.

[Hollyj]

I agree with Lester. Your husband is emotionally abusive. This is NOT good for your children.

 

Time to be independent of a man, and get out!