Thoughts on joint bank accounts

[firelily]

Yes, my teeth are fixed. I had to save for years to afford to fix them. I got them fixed before our wedding.

 

I’m starting to think maybe we should get a divorce, but I’m scared. What if I never fall in love again or meet anyone else and then end up alone and unhappy? “Alone and unhappy” sounds worst than “with someone I love and unhappy.”

 

That's a huge step of you for considering that. I know it's not easy to think about it.

 

No, being with someone you love and unhappy because they don't treat you with love is the worst possible thing.

 

You'll never know what's on the other side until you try. But this is a normal fear most people have before a breakup - "I will never love/find anybody again", before they heal and find happiness again. All these people who were deeply unhappy in relationships but broke up, patched themselves and build a better relationship - if they all chose to think that way instead of risking the status quo, the world would be full of miserable people.

 

The bottomline is - if your partner cares about how you feel, is open to discussion and communicating about your issues, and is open to change to make you feel happy - then you have something to fight for. If he doesn't care that his ways make you deeply unhappy, if he's not open to talking about this and is not open to change, then he won't change, and the fight is already lost. You need to have clarity in your mind about which one of these cases is your marriage.

[firelily]

That is why goal oriented therapy would be better.

 

I agree. It could be a good idea for OP to give it another shot, after making sure on the first session that therapist has a goal oriented approach.

[journeynow]

if one person makes more than the other, the person who makes more needs to subsidize the lower earner so that they both have the same lifestyle.

 

This is really tricky territory, or I should say Money is in general. It's the kind of thing that hopefully a couple has discussed and understood together before marriage, but sometimes the reality plays out different than expected. One option is to split things proportionate to income. Another option is to live at a standard that can be split easiest at the lowest of the incomes. Another is to pool all income then split it (and essentially the higher earner is "subsidizing" the lower earner). I suppose there are other variations on all these. There are so many variables that can be connected to money that come under lifestyle choices. In marriage there are many to navigate, learn from, and evolve with.

[DanZee]

Ignoring the other issues, the answer to the joint account thing is right in your posts where you're constantly saying about how much more money he makes -- and you want to spend HIS MONEY! I don't think he'd have much money left if you were allowed to spend his money on getting your teeth fixed and paying all the bills. That's why you don't have a joint account. As for the other stuff, if you're so resentful of him, you really should get a divorce now before the marriage goes on for too long.

[poorlittlefish]

When I was married to someone who earned a good bit more than me we maintained our own accounts but opened a joint one that was just for shared expenses (mortgage, utilities etc). The amounts we paid in (via standing order, so no having to remember) were based on the salary difference, ie if his take-home pay was 50% more then his contribution mirrored that.

 

This was totally fair on both parties, we retained the same percentage of our salaries to spend as we pleased, the joint expenses were paid and any money left over at the end of the year was put towards a joint holiday. It worked for us!

[firelily]

Ignoring the other issues, the answer to the joint account thing is right in your posts where you're constantly saying about how much more money he makes -- and you want to spend HIS MONEY! I don't think he'd have much money left if you were allowed to spend his money on getting your teeth fixed and paying all the bills. That's why you don't have a joint account. As for the other stuff, if you're so resentful of him, you really should get a divorce now before the marriage goes on for too long.

 

Come on. His money, your teeth - nobody thinks like that in marriage. If I needed some operation from the accident we were both in and I didn't have the money, my boyfriend would just cover the expenses without expecting the money back and we were not even married. In such a case, anything else is callousness.

[Wiseman2]

Make an appointment with a lawyer and an accountant confidentially. Discuss the legality of this and his hiding money, etc. Take your money and start saving for your future. Stop buying him anything, including groceries, etc. This is like 2 collage roommates, not a marriage.

He pays all of his personal bills (truck payment, insurance, phone), I pay all of my personal bills (car, phone, insurance) and then we split all of the shared bills down the middle. I also get tired of constantly having to ask him to pay me back for stuff I bought for him.

[Batya33]

Make an appointment with a lawyer and an accountant confidentially. Discuss the legality of this and his hiding money, etc. Take your money and start saving for your future. Stop buying him anything, including groceries, etc. This is like 2 collage roommates, not a marriage.

 

There's a great scene/scenes in the Joy Luck Club about a marriage like this down to the "that was MY ice cream I bought" - interesting how it's dealt with and a happy ending (happy for the wife who had to put up with this)

 

You know this isn't just about joint accounts -it's a about his values, integrity and character. It doesn't matter if other people have joint accounts because you can have completely separate accounts and give each other access. I'd also like to know if he asked you for a prenup.

[Marshmellow12]

There's a great scene/scenes in the Joy Luck Club about a marriage like this down to the "that was MY ice cream I bought" - interesting how it's dealt with and a happy ending (happy for the wife who had to put up with this)

 

You know this isn't just about joint accounts -it's a about his values, integrity and character. It doesn't matter if other people have joint accounts because you can have completely separate accounts and give each other access. I'd also like to know if he asked you for a prenup.

 

 

Very surprisingly, no he did not ask for a prenup. I’m surprised because he is a business owner. I guess he never thought of that.

[Marshmellow12]

Make an appointment with a lawyer and an accountant confidentially. Discuss the legality of this and his hiding money, etc. Take your money and start saving for your future. Stop buying him anything, including groceries, etc. This is like 2 collage roommates, not a marriage.

 

I have been saving as much as I can but it’s hard when there isn’t much left after I pay my half of everything. And he also doesn’t buy any groceries at all (maybe once every few months he will decide to buy the groceries that week). I don’t think he even realizes how expensive groceries are. And right now he’s had me go buy all of his family members Christmas presents because he is too busy and getting him to pay me back is like pulling teeth.

[Marshmellow12]

You feel resentment and feel miserable.

I'd rather be alone than be with someone and feel those things.

 

It's a marriage, it's not about keeping a tally on who owes what.

I'm sure you can stand on your own two feet, and in time you'll find someone better than this.

I def wouldn't wanna stay with someone simply cos I fear being alone.

 

You are probably right.

[Marshmellow12]

Ignoring the other issues, the answer to the joint account thing is right in your posts where you're constantly saying about how much more money he makes -- and you want to spend HIS MONEY! I don't think he'd have much money left if you were allowed to spend his money on getting your teeth fixed and paying all the bills. That's why you don't have a joint account. As for the other stuff, if you're so resentful of him, you really should get a divorce now before the marriage goes on for too long.

 

I definitely have no desire to spend all of his money. I would like to not have to work 2 jobs just to come up with my half and to pay for all of his groceries. Another issue is that I work more than him and he still expects me to do ALL cooking, ALL cleaning, and I’m sure when we have kids one day things will be way worst. I don’t understand how he can be so traditional in some ways (wanting the woman to do everything in the house) and yet so untraditional in other ways (not sharing and not helping the woman financially and basically making her work 2 jobs just so you can keep all of your money to yourself).

[thealchemist]

Well if he said he was never going to have a joint account with a person then I would have assumed he was speaking the truth. I don't understand how you could assume he would change on something he was so explicitly clear about.

 

I also think staying with someone because of the fear of being alone is a terrible reason to stick with a relationship.

 

I also could never do the financial split you two have. I have had a joint account since I started living with my wife. I am a scientist and she is a teacher. So I make a bit more too but the hassle of splitting would annoying me to no end. I trust my wife with expenses so I've never thought twice about it.

 

Also resources shouldn't be split by who makes them. Our children go to daycare near my wife's work because that worked out best. So it only makes sense that she would be the one to get the brand new SUV because she drives our children more. So it isn't an issue if I drive a bit older of a car, because it is what is best for our family. I don't feel that I have the right to a new car while she drives an older one because I make more.

 

I just feel that he made it very clear his stance on this though before marriage. If you couldn't handle it then you shouldn't have got married.

[firelily]

I have been saving as much as I can but it’s hard when there isn’t much left after I pay my half of everything. And he also doesn’t buy any groceries at all (maybe once every few months he will decide to buy the groceries that week). I don’t think he even realizes how expensive groceries are. And right now he’s had me go buy all of his family members Christmas presents because he is too busy and getting him to pay me back is like pulling teeth.

 

So he made you his errand boy (because you only have 2 jobs) and then you have to beg him to pay you back for his presents. I think you need to start saying no. If he isn't willing to do things for you like covering your medical expenses and everythong is 50/50, tell him he will be buying and cooking his own food from now on, and hiring a help from his money if he feels like he doesn't have time. If he wants to be just roommates and not a couple, let him have it. I have a feeling that you getting your self-respect back would be a beginning of the end of your marriage, and that would be a good thing.

[Batya33]

So in some ways it takes two. You are too passive. Just say no. Say no to buying gifts and say no to buying groceries - there must be foods you like and he doesn't so buy your own stuff, cook for yourself, and let him fend for himself for awhile. And tell him nicely "sorry I don't have it in my budget this week to buy more than this"

[firelily]

I would just make separate shelves for him in a fridge. Like for a roommate. Here's my budget, here's your budget. Here's my shelf, here's yours. I know this is pretty passive aggressive, but anger is sometimes a good way out of helplessness.

[Marshmellow12]

Well if he said he was never going to have a joint account with a person then I would have assumed he was speaking the truth. I don't understand how you could assume he would change on something he was so explicitly clear about.

 

I also think staying with someone because of the fear of being alone is a terrible reason to stick with a relationship.

 

I also could never do the financial split you two have. I have had a joint account since I started living with my wife. I am a scientist and she is a teacher. So I make a bit more too but the hassle of splitting would annoying me to no end. I trust my wife with expenses so I've never thought twice about it.

 

Also resources shouldn't be split by who makes them. Our children go to daycare near my wife's work because that worked out best. So it only makes sense that she would be the one to get the brand new SUV because she drives our children more. So it isn't an issue if I drive a bit older of a car, because it is what is best for our family. I don't feel that I have the right to a new car while she drives an older one because I make more.

 

I just feel that he made it very clear his stance on this though before marriage. If you couldn't handle it then you shouldn't have got married.

 

He didn’t say he would never get a joint account with any woman until after we were married.

[thealchemist]

He didn’t say he would never get a joint account with any woman until after we were married.

Ah. I misread it. My mistake.

 

Very different issue than I perceived.

 

I can say that just from this posting it doesn't sound like you are happy. So many red flags with the type of language you use. I think you know your true feelings for him regardless of this particular issue.

[Wiseman2]

Stop paying half of everything. Stop talking complaining pleading etc. Just do it. Contribute no more than 33% if he makes 2x what you do.. Stop being a servant. Stop buying his family gifts. Stop buying his groceries. Financial abuse is a form of abuse and control and power. Read up on this. Legally when married both co-own all assets.

getting him to pay me back is like pulling teeth.

[Seraphim]

Ignoring the other issues, the answer to the joint account thing is right in your posts where you're constantly saying about how much more money he makes -- and you want to spend HIS MONEY! I don't think he'd have much money left if you were allowed to spend his money on getting your teeth fixed and paying all the bills. That's why you don't have a joint account. As for the other stuff, if you're so resentful of him, you really should get a divorce now before the marriage goes on for too long.

He is the one who broke her teeth by driving like an aggressive so-in-so and getting them into an accident . He SHOULD pay to fix them .

[Seraphim]

Stop paying half of everything. Stop talking complaining pleading etc. Just do it. Contribute no more than 33% if he makes 2x what you do.. Stop being a servant. Stop buying his family gifts. Stop buying his groceries. Financial abuse is a form of abuse and control and power. Read up on this. Legally when married both co-own all assets.

 

I agree just stop doing it .

[Krankor]

This is really tricky territory, or I should say Money is in general. It's the kind of thing that hopefully a couple has discussed and understood together before marriage, but sometimes the reality plays out different than expected. One option is to split things proportionate to income. Another option is to live at a standard that can be split easiest at the lowest of the incomes. Another is to pool all income then split it (and essentially the higher earner is "subsidizing" the lower earner). I suppose there are other variations on all these. There are so many variables that can be connected to money that come under lifestyle choices. In marriage there are many to navigate, learn from, and evolve with.

 

 

I like the idea of pooling the income and then splitting it evenly. What I think could work (in theory anyway) and something I would probably agree to is one joint account and then each partner having his/her own separate account. All money goes into the joint account initially, enough is left to cover bills, groceries, etc--communal expenses. After that the leftover funds are doled out equally into both separate accounts, and both partners are free to spend their own money however they see fit with the explicit understanding that the other partner isn't allowed to object. This wouldn't solve all money disagreements but I think it could minimize it as long as neither partner is controlling and the higher earning partner understands that it is his/her job to subsidize the lower earner.

 

The only problem I can see with splitting the bills proportionately is that bills can be fluid. Say husband makes quite a bit more than wife so they agree that he'll cover everything else as long as she covers the utility bill. That may make things roughly equal but of course that bill fluctuates so she may end up getting away with paying less than her share one month and more another. Also there are raises, overtime, etc. In theory, first putting all money into a community pot and then dispersing the leftovers evenly would solve this issue.

 

I agree though, money is always a tricky subject. I remember reading or hearing more than once that it is the most common issue couples fight about and divorce over.

[firelily]

I like the idea of pooling the income and then splitting it evenly. What I think could work (in theory anyway) and something I would probably agree to is one joint account and then each partner having his/her own separate account. All money goes into the joint account initially, enough is left to cover bills, groceries, etc--communal expenses. After that the leftover funds are doled out equally into both separate accounts, and both partners are free to spend their own money however they see fit with the explicit understanding that the other partner isn't allowed to object. This wouldn't solve all money disagreements but I think it could minimize it as long as neither partner is controlling and the higher earning partner understands that it is his/her job to subsidize the lower earner.

 

The only problem I can see with splitting the bills proportionately is that bills can be fluid. Say husband makes quite a bit more than wife so they agree that he'll cover everything else as long as she covers the utility bill. That may make things roughly equal but of course that bill fluctuates so she may end up getting away with paying less than her share one month and more another. Also there are raises, overtime, etc. In theory, first putting all money into a community pot and then dispersing the leftovers evenly would solve this issue.

 

I agree though, money is always a tricky subject. I remember reading or hearing more than once that it is the most common issue couples fight about and divorce over.

 

I don't think their problem is that they invented a wrong system of dividing money and need a better working one. OP's husband was never interested in her feelings about this setting, and dismissed all her opinions on the subject. If one partner allows the other to be in need of medical care and deeply unhappy because they can't afford it right now, it's way beyond the normal "couples fighting over money" stuff.

[Unreasonable]

Well, I don't have separate accounts, but if I did have separate ones, I'd also have a joint one which was proportionately contributed to based on income for the monthly shared stuff (e.g mortgage).

[thealchemist]

I like the idea of pooling the income and then splitting it evenly. What I think could work (in theory anyway) and something I would probably agree to is one joint account and then each partner having his/her own separate account. All money goes into the joint account initially, enough is left to cover bills, groceries, etc--communal expenses. After that the leftover funds are doled out equally into both separate accounts, and both partners are free to spend their own money however they see fit with the explicit understanding that the other partner isn't allowed to object. This wouldn't solve all money disagreements but I think it could minimize it as long as neither partner is controlling and the higher earning partner understands that it is his/her job to subsidize the lower earner.

 

The only problem I can see with splitting the bills proportionately is that bills can be fluid. Say husband makes quite a bit more than wife so they agree that he'll cover everything else as long as she covers the utility bill. That may make things roughly equal but of course that bill fluctuates so she may end up getting away with paying less than her share one month and more another. Also there are raises, overtime, etc. In theory, first putting all money into a community pot and then dispersing the leftovers evenly would solve this issue.

 

I agree though, money is always a tricky subject. I remember reading or hearing more than once that it is the most common issue couples fight about and divorce over.

I don't agree that money is always a tricky subject. I think it is more like money issues are a place where other relationship issues become more apparent. Like a lack of trust.

 

In the 13 years I've been with my wife I cannot think of a single time we have fought over money issues. We have pooled our finances for the last decade. Well before we were married. I think we trust each other enough that it is not something that we even register as an issue.

 

Relationships where I hear people having financial issues are ones that have a LOT more issues than finances. It is just a great issue for them to fight about, even though it isn't the root cause.

 

I could never marry someone who I didn't trust financially enough to have a joint account with. I have seen people try to split everything "evenly" but I always see one or both sides build resentment because they think this or that is unfair.

 

If people have a very large sum of money in a trust or a business or something I can definitely understand extenuating circumstances. But to me I married the person I am with to share everything we have and splitting such an important thing is something that would make me uncomfortable.