Thoughts on joint bank accounts

[Marshmellow12]

Okay, so my husband and I have been together for almost 7 years and married for a little over 1 year. We do not have joint bank accounts.After we got married, my husband said that he would never get a joint account with a woman. I kind of just assumed that we would have joint bank accounts when we were married. We lived together for 2 years before we got married and I was looking forward to not having to split the cost every single little thing. Here we are after being married for over a year and still splitting the cost of every. single. thing. I’m also a teacher with a second job making about $40,000 a year and he makes $80,000 a year. It bothers me that I have to work 2 jobs to live comfortably because he won’t get a joint account with me and he gets to live great because he makes 2x as much as I do. He pays all of his personal bills (truck payment, insurance, phone), I pay all of my personal bills (car, phone, insurance) and then we split all of the shared bills down the middle. I also get tired of constantly having to ask him to pay me back for stuff I bought for him and vice versa. I’m also very bad about comparing my marriage (and myself) to others and everyone I know has joint bank accounts and it makes me feel “less married”. What are your thoughts on joint accounts? I’m not struggling or anything like that but i am fairly bothered by this. If I even bring it up it turns into a fight so I haven’t brought it up in months.

[rosephase]

That sounds really hard. Why do the conversations about it turn into fights? What is his issue with having a joint account?

 

I would be frustrated in your position.

[firelily]

I’m also a teacher with a second job making about $40,000 a year and he makes $80,000 a year. It bothers me that I have to work 2 jobs to live comfortably because he won’t get a joint account with me and he gets to live great because he makes 2x as much as I do.

 

My opinion is you're absolutely right to be bothered about this. If two people are married, they're not supposed to have different standards of life.

 

I know a family where the husband works internationally as a scientist, for really nice money, and the wife is a teacher. She gives a lot of private lessons after her normal work, to shorten the gap between their earnings, but it's because she enjoys that she can contribute to raising the standard of life of their family. Not because he told her to, or not because she wouldn't be able to do the things he does with his money. It would be weird. What you're describing is absolutely ok for a couple that just began to live together, but marriage is about building one life together, even if people keep separate accounts too. If you feel like you have a different standard of life and he's allowing it to happen, something is not ok.

 

I think since you bring up so many issues with how you feel about your marriage, you should both go see counsellor.

[rosephase]

I went back and read your past threads. It sounds like your husband's focus on money has been clear to you for awhile. Why did you marry him? In your past threads it doesn't sound like you like him. That you have more energy getting jealous over his ex then love for him. While I think his focus on money over relationships is unpleasant... that's the guy you married.

[abitbroken]

I went back and read your past threads. It sounds like your husband's focus on money has been clear to you for awhile. Why did you marry him? In your past threads it doesn't sound like you like him. That you have more energy getting jealous over his ex then love for him. While I think his focus on money over relationships is unpleasant... that's the guy you married.

 

I agree. Money is something you talk about before marriage. If he said "i will never share an account with a woman", then it was your job to bring up the "once we are married" thing before you got married. I would hate to be treated like a roommate -- but since this has gone on for 7 years -- its now half your doing as far as living like roommates. You should live in a home within your means and not have to work 2 jobs just to match up to split everything down the middle with him. I could understand both working 2 jobs if you were making less than $20,000 at your primary job, but you make a respectable income and so does he. You either live with this way or start to put your foot down.

[Marshmellow12]

I married him because I love him and also because I’m afraid of change and I would be so lonely without him. I don’t have parents and I’m very close to his family so I think that is a big reason why I like being with him.

[firelily]

I'm going to start off by saying that telling me I should have never married this man is not going to make me feel better nor is it going to help me. I'm just going to get right to the point. 6 years ago my husband (then boyfriend) and I were on our way to his house after a late night of watching football at a friend's house. We were arguing about something stupid. He was driving extremely fast and it was scaring me and I asked him to slow down and he started going faster. He hit a tree. My two front teeth got broken off and he was fine of course. He felt really bad and apologized and bla bla bla. His insurance paid for my teeth to get fixed. The dentist did a horrible job and they looked so awful that I never smiled. I wanted them redone. He wouldn't help pay for it so I had to wait years before I could afford to have them redone. He didn't help with paying at all even though he has plenty of money to spare. We are now married. Now he wants $15,000 veneers when there is nothing wrong with his teeth when he wouldn't even help pay for my dental work last year. I am just so hurt and feel an enormous amount of resentment and hatred towards him right now. I am so upset. How can I get past this or get through to him how hurtful his behavior is without coming across as crazy (which is his favorite thing to call me).

 

I just read this past post and I think divorce is the best option for you, after all. But I recommend seeing a therapist anyway, for both of you or just for yourself, to make this transition easier for you.

[rosephase]

I married him because I love him and also because I’m afraid of change and I would be so lonely without him. I don’t have parents and I’m very close to his family so I think that is a big reason why I like being with him.

 

Well it sounds like your fear of change is keeping you in a relationship with someone who annoys you, isn't willing to share his money/lifestyle, isn't interested in your family (you don't have parents? Weren't you upset that he wouldn't spend time with your family?) and is focused on work. He doesn't want to have a shared bank account with you and he won't do it. So... leave or get used to it. Personally? You sound so unhappy. Not just in this relationship but in life. You torture yourself with his exs and what the people you work with think of you. Have you sought therapy? It sounds like you could really use some help figuring out how to make your life work better for you.

[Capricorn3]

When I saw the title of this thread it just occurred to me that I don't ever remember us discussing money, how we are going split things, who pays for what etc etc, lol. He earns more than I do. No, we don't have a joint bank account. Never have. The only thing I can remember in "talking about money", is one day my husband said, "I'll pay the big stuff (mortgage, insurance, bills etc) and you pay the little stuff. It's not "my" money, or "your" money, it is OUR money". So that's what we did. He paid the big stuff and my money went on things like groceries, savings, overseas trips and anything else we need for the ourselves or the house. It has worked very well for us. We have never, ever, had discussions, arguments or fights about money (but we're weird, lol). And yes, we have been married for a very very long long time, lol.

[Marshmellow12]

I don’t have parents but I do have a family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins)

[Marshmellow12]

And yes, I went to therapy for 6 months and found it to be a waste of money.

[rosephase]

And yes, I went to therapy for 6 months and found it to be a waste of money.

 

Why was it a waste? Maybe you had the wrong therapist?

[Seraphim]

You also have to be deadly honest with a therapist about EVERYTHING and do the work and exercises they tell you for anything to work.

[Krankor]

I'm personally against joint bank accounts myself and would never do it. If that's a deal-breaker for any would-be future wife of mine then so be it. I believe that it is very important that both members of a couple have their own money.

 

However--and this is important--if one person makes more than the other, the person who makes more needs to subsidize the lower earner so that they both have the same lifestyle. Example: husband makes $200K; wife makes $35K. He shouldn't be driving around in a new Lexus while she is driving around in a 15 year old Toyota Camry. He shouldn't be eating steak and lobster while she is eating Ramen noodles. In this case, he would maybe pay all the household bills while she just pays for the things that she wants specifically. Other couples would have to work it out based on their own relative earnings so that neither really has more disposable income than the other and they both have the same lifestyle.

[firelily]

And yes, I went to therapy for 6 months and found it to be a waste of money.

 

I understand. Sometimes it takes so many trials and errors to find a good match, that not everyone has strength for that.

 

In that case, you need to be your own therapist. It's a hard work, that's why people "outsource" it to a hired therapist, because it's more doable this way.

 

But also find other means of support. Do you have friends, relatives who support you? Nice people in your life? List all the things that can be your support and decide what can you do to use it to the fullest.

 

Be specific about what you want from this forum. You started a couple of threads here. Do just you want to listen to people's opinions and know how you should feel about stuff? Or maybe you want to change your life and wonder how to do it?

 

If you do want a change, you need to be very bold about this. It's gonna be a hard work but if you want to be happy, you can make that happen.

 

Ask yourself:

1) What are your problems in your relationship? List them.

2) Is there anything that you can do about this? Brainstorm the solutions.

3) Is it something doable? Can your husband's personality be changed? Ask your friends and family what they think and make a firm decision whether you want to work on this relationship or not.

4) If you think there's hope, invent a strategy. Ideally together. Talk to your partner that you're not happy and if you want to be happy, you both need to work hard to change it. Tell him that if you will stay unhappy, you will need to go separate ways. Set some deadline for which you expect things to change. Keep a journal about it, so that you can read your promises to yourself and keep them.

5) If your husband refuses to cooperate, ridicule you for trying, you see no change in a long time, you have your answer - things aren't gonna change. If you're unhappy with things not changing, EVER, file for divorce, ideally with support of your friends and family, because you will need it.

 

You have two options here. You can be firm like that, that you want change in your life NOW, or you can stay unhappy for years. Maybe writing another heartbreaking post in months or years, because your situation will be no different. I don't think you deserve a life like this.

[Marshmellow12]

I just felt like it was very expensive and not accomplishing much. It was nice having someone to talk to but it didn’t change anything for me. I was always 100% honest with her and I did tell her every single thing but talking about it didn’t change anything.

[abitbroken]

I just felt like it was very expensive and not accomplishing much. It was nice having someone to talk to but it didn’t change anything for me. I was always 100% honest with her and I did tell her every single thing but talking about it didn’t change anything.

 

what were you looking for it to change?

[journeynow]

We had joint bank accounts for awhile, but decided against it. It worked better when we had separate accounts, handled different bills (instead of splitting everything), paid for our respective expenses (which, of course, were based on our individual choices and tastes), and we helped each other out when needed. We also had different roles in the family. Not in the beginning, but over time, as our strengths/weaknesses and the family needs became more clear.

[Marshmellow12]

Thank you firelilly. That’s good advice! I will give it a shot.

[Honeycomb8]

Looking at your threads, you've been filled of resentment towards him for many months. It's clearly not working, and I wouldn't blame you. Who doesn't have a joint account with their WIFE? The constant splitting is what people do at the start of dating (at most), no wonder you feel tired. Have you fixed your teeth now?

 

I'd be getting a divorce.

[Seraphim]

Therapy is not just talking though.

 

About joint accounts though we have always had them. But we got together pretty young.

[Marshmellow12]

Yes, my teeth are fixed. I had to save for years to afford to fix them. I got them fixed before our wedding.

 

I’m starting to think maybe we should get a divorce, but I’m scared. What if I never fall in love again or meet anyone else and then end up alone and unhappy? “Alone and unhappy” sounds worst than “with someone I love and unhappy.”

[firelily]

Therapy is not just talking though.

 

In my experience, it depends on the school of therapy and the therapist. In cognitive behavioral therapy, there are homeworks, working over concretes, the therapist expects to see progress quick (within weeks or months) and monitor it. CBT therapy is supposed to last a couple of months. There are other schools of therapy (psychodynamic or psychoanalitical ones) that perceive behavioral change to be only a surface change, and that if the long lasting change is to occur, the deeper issues need to be addressed first. Therapy like that can take 2 years to even 10 years. A therapist usually doesn't expect changes to happen soon and the whole process is indeed expensive. Finally, there are non-directive, person-oriented types of therapy, that just give the person a space to talk. This type of therapy is indeed just talking, imo. So I think it might depend what kind of therapist(s) OP met. Of course, the patient needs to be firm about making a change in his/her life, but some types of therapists will motivate them better to do it, while others will be fine with just listening. So that's why it's very important to find a good match for a person and their individual needs.

[Seraphim]

That is why goal oriented therapy would be better.

[Honeycomb8]

You feel resentment and feel miserable.

I'd rather be alone than be with someone and feel those things.

 

It's a marriage, it's not about keeping a tally on who owes what.

I'm sure you can stand on your own two feet, and in time you'll find someone better than this.

I def wouldn't wanna stay with someone simply cos I fear being alone.