InsecureBoyfriend

[Yodagrue1]

Hello!,

 

Short Story: My girlfirend (26) is friends with 2 ex-lovers and it makes me sick/insecure. I (twentyeight) told her this and want her to stop doing so but she thinks it will lead to a controlling relationship which she has been in before. ( I fully agree with her as well but I have a visceral sick reaction that she does this). How can I assure her that I am not controlling or how else can we get pass this issue? (we are talking about it and I setup a therapy session but I'm doubtful cause I feel ill knowing it may end esp. over something like this)

 

 

Full Story:

The issue: I'm dating officially for 2 months and casually for 7 months before that. She was in an abusive relationship (6 years ago) and is frightened/aware of controlling behaviour.

 

When she asked me to be monogamous, I told her I'm really uncomfortable that she still contacts and sees her ex but that I like her and would just like her to tell me when they hang out (this is because we tried being official before; she told me she was having coffee with him ( I said cool), but later told me she spent the day (as friends) with him in his city). She then told me that she allowed a male friend to sleep in her bed with her (she has a spare room and couch) - no sex she said. I broke it off then and we rekindled later on.

 

At our coffee when were discussing being official she then said she has a trip with an ex-lover (now friend) to spend a night after a day outing. I said that it was inappropiate and she broke it off. I broke off the girls I were seeing and we are now official.

 

We were talking and she mentioned that she had a museum trip with this ex-lover one afternoon. My hands became cold and I felt sick. She says they are friends and talk/meet sometime for coffee. She said she has one other ex-lover whos she is always friends with and meets once a month for talk/coffee. This occured while we are official. I told her this makes me uncomfortable - I feel sick and cold and angry that this is the case with her. We discussed it at length about me meeting them/ meeting in groups - all of which Im strongly aversed to.

 

I want her to stop seeing men who were ex-lovers and she is afraid to do so because this is how controlling abusive relationships begin. She tells me shes besotted with me and I reccommended breaking up but she doesnt want to: but I can't feel good with her having those ex-lovers as friends; I don't do it and it feels wrong to me; plus she told me she went to one of the ex-lovers house to vent (she cried with him and he consoled her) 2 days before we were official. (she was angry because she asked me to be offical and I said I need to think about it - she said they were scheduled to hangout then anyway). I trust her but feel weird knowing she sees these guys - its not like they work/live have the same social group. I see and understand her point of view as well for the record.

 

Things are really good otherwise but we're at an impasse - any suggestions/insight, or is it over?

[Hollyj]

Why aren't you invited?

 

You have NO RIGHT to demand that she stop seeing her friends. If someone made those demands on me, it would be done.

 

Deal with your problems. If you cannot handle her friendship with exes, then you are not compatible.

 

You are being controlling.

[Jillstrand23]

I think that if your uncomfortable with her seeing her ex and you have told her then its time to move on. Sorry...

[Keyman]

I agree with The Holly. This IS controlling behaviour.

 

Perhaps you need to seek councilling for this anxiety issue you have. She is allowed to catch up with these male friends, whether they are ex lovers or not. Is this a trust issue you have from a past relationship yourself?

 

This anxiety which pushes you to control which pushes her to seek comfort with her 'friends' is a vicious cycle which will likely end with both of you going your separate ways.

[DancingFool]

This isn't about being controlling, this is about acceptable boundaries within a committed relationship.

 

Most people would have a problem getting seriously involved with someone who has a trainload of ex's turned "friends" still orbiting around. An even worse problem with sharing a bed with them regardless that nothing happened. It's just not appropriate and disrespectful to the current relationship.

 

That said, you can't change her and you can't tell her what she can and cannot do. This is one of those things where you communicate to the person what your boundaries are, what is and isn't acceptable to you and then let them decide if they are on the same page, if they are willing to adjust to your standards or if they will carry on as is. In this case, this girl has all kinds of issues with prior damage, with lack of boundaries, etc. So the correct course of action for you is not to tell her what she can and cannot do, but explain to her that you and her are not compatible, do not share the same values and relationship boundaries and part ways. The whole point of dating is to discover these kinds of incompatibilities. Once you discover them and realize they can't be reconciled, you walk away.

 

There is no reason for you to be dragging her or yourself to therapy here. Neither one of you is broken or wrong, simply too different to be together. Instead of trying to pound a square peg into a round hole, move on and find someone who is on the same page as you about this kind of stuff. It won't be difficult either, as most people will be on the same page. The right relationship isn't going to be this difficult and dramatic.

[superfan]

You both are exhibiting red flag behaviour here and I don't think you are compatible.

 

First off, wanting to ask your girlfriend not to maintain friendships with ex boyfriends is controlling whether you like that or not. In a relationship a person can compromise for a partner but they cannot demand. If you are not comfortable with her friendships and she does not want to give them up, then you have two options - either find a way to be at peace with it or walk away. You cannot force her to abandon a friendship because it makes you uncomfortable.

 

That said, a red flag on her part is her (apparent) unwillingness to compromise. There is nothing wrong with her meeting an ex for coffee every now and then but having exes stay over at her house or sleep in her bed is beyond acceptable limits on a monogamous relationship (unless it's open or poly or has been previously agreed upon by both parties as acceptable). You cannot demand she drop a friendship but at the same time she needs to be willing to meet you halfway. She needs to understand that the boundaries on her friendships have to change once she is in a relationship.

 

I have friends who are exes and we hang out sometimes (usually in situations where my husband is there with us).

 

I honestly don't think you two are compatible. You both don't seem to know how to be in a relationship.

[yatsue]

I'm pretty surprised at some of the responses here. The OP has heard just how poor this girl's boundaries with her male friends are. Come on now, she sleeps in the same bed with one of her male friends and thinks that is ok?? And the OP is considered insecure and has issues after this? Might as well think you can be with dangerous animals while hungry and expect them not to eat you.

 

Yes, he is uncomfortable with his gf hanging out with her previous ex's, I mean "friends". I believe it's justified after hearing of this display of very poor boundaries on her part. If this doesn't sway your trust, in which you should reconsider the relationship, then you aren't very smart or in denial of the situation. That is not normal while in a relationship. God forbid one of them drinks one night and "something" just happened by accident.

[superfan]

I'm pretty surprised at some of the responses here. The OP has heard just how poor this girl's boundaries with her male friends are. Come on now, she sleeps in the same bed with one of her male friends and thinks that is ok?? And the OP is considered insecure and has issues after this? Might as well think you can be with dangerous animals while hungry and expect them not to eat you.

 

Yes, he is uncomfortable with his gf hanging out with her previous ex's, I mean "friends". I believe it's justified after hearing of this display of very poor boundaries on her part. If this doesn't sway your trust, in which you should reconsider the relationship, then you aren't very smart or in denial of the situation. That is not normal while in a relationship. God forbid one of them drinks one night and "something" just happened by accident.

 

They are both at fault here. Her, for her poor boundaries and him for wanting to control who she hangs out with.

[abitbroken]

Why aren't you invited?

 

You have NO RIGHT to demand that she stop seeing her friends. If someone made those demands on me, it would be done.

 

Deal with your problems. If you cannot handle her friendship with exes, then you are not compatible.

 

You are being controlling.

 

These aren't friends - they are former lovers (i am not sure if one of these "friends" is the abuser she broke up with) and she is sharing a bed with one of them. He has every right to voice concern = he asked why she hung out with them, etc, to gain clarity. She is being VERY manipulative to dangle the possibility that he is controlling because he "wants to limit her friendship". Its not like she is asking her not to meet a guy who is doing a project in her master's degree class with her to go over things. its not like he is forbidding her to see female and true platonic friends - these are men she has slept with.

 

I think that you should break up with her because you deserve more -- if you want a woman who moves on from her relationships - that's what you deserve to have.

[DancingFool]

They are both at fault here. Her, for her poor boundaries and him for wanting to control who she hangs out with.

 

Expressing your discomfort and letting your SO know that you have a major problem with their lack of boundaries is not being controlling. Like what is he supposed to do? Just be quiet about it? Dump her without telling her why or giving her a chance to make different decisions or find some compromise?

 

The only problem I see here is that she is interpreting everything as "controlling" due to her own personal issues and she'll have to learn the hard way to have better boundaries as various guys dump her azz over this. This girl is a total wreck and the OP would be wise to walk away and not waste any more time and energy on her. What he wants - healthy boundaries and some basic respect - doesn't make him a control freak.

[abitbroken]

Expressing your discomfort and letting your SO know that you have a major problem with their lack of boundaries is not being controlling. Like what is he supposed to do? Just be quiet about it? Dump her without telling her why or giving her a chance to make different decisions or find some compromise?

 

The only problem I see here is that she is interpreting everything as "controlling" due to her own personal issues and she'll have to learn the hard way to have better boundaries as various guys dump her azz over this. This girl is a total wreck and the OP would be wise to walk away and not waste any more time and energy on her. What he wants - healthy boundaries and some basic respect - doesn't make him a control freak.

 

And its one thing - you run into an old flame from college at the mall that you hadn't seen in 20 years and you grab a quick cup of coffee spontaneously at the mall to catch up - talk about your kids, etc, and then part ways with no numbers exchanged vs having a standing date once a month with a former lover. The museum and coffee sounds like a date to me!

[Yodagrue1]

They are both at fault here. Her, for her poor boundaries and him for wanting to control who she hangs out with.

 

Thank you all for your responses - really appreciate getting perspective.

 

We have talked openly at length about and explained to each other why we are both uncomfortable with our respective request.

 

For the record I did not demand she not hang out them - we discussed our feeling openly and discussed courses of action: not hanging out with them was my suggestion. She is trying to meet me halfway and is willing to hang out in groups with them and introduce them to me.

 

I relunctantly accepted and we went to bed. The next time we hung out we talked about it, because we know its bothering me (my hands were ice cold hanging out with her); I even pulled away when she tried to kiss me. We cuddled and went to sleep though; she is trying and I'm trying to work it out.

 

She is meeting her therapist tomorrow who knows her history. We decided after she meets and talks to her we'll make our decision together (date or she stops seeing them). I 100% acknowledge its her decision and will walk away amicably if she chose the other. Haha, I really want this to work - we click on everything else and that's why I dove in knowing these issues. It's rare to met someone like her but I know if it doesnt work there will be others out there (despite the faffe of the search). Happy for those who have found someone they are compatible with.

 

I know it is selfish of me, but this issue changed me into someone I was never: I always trusted girlfriends and never asked her where she is or who she is with, but now if she tells me she is out I get scarily anxious.

 

Thanks!

[yatsue]

They are both at fault here. Her, for her poor boundaries and him for wanting to control who she hangs out with.

 

While I wasn't really referencing your post, I believe this is not controlling behavior on his behalf. Who would be ok with their supposedly committed partner sleeping in the same bed with another male and being close to people she banged before? Not many.

 

It's one thing to say this person is controlling from the sidelines...a completely different thing to be in this situation. It's bound to make anyone at least uncomfortable, unless you also invite the opposite sex into your bed and etc...although I wouldn't say you are monogamous in nature IMO if you do.

 

OP, she wants to act single. Any partner with some respect would not be ok with this. It is her issue, not yours. Sure play on with the technicalities of not "demanding" she have better boundaries and say you're uncomfortable with her behavior instead. If she continues, just spontaneously say you want to break up if she continues as is....at that point you have pleased the general public...

[Hollyj]

These aren't friends - they are former lovers (i am not sure if one of these "friends" is the abuser she broke up with) and she is sharing a bed with one of them. He has every right to voice concern = he asked why she hung out with them, etc, to gain clarity. She is being VERY manipulative to dangle the possibility that he is controlling because he "wants to limit her friendship". Its not like she is asking her not to meet a guy who is doing a project in her master's degree class with her to go over things. its not like he is forbidding her to see female and true platonic friends - these are men she has slept with.

 

I think that you should break up with her because you deserve more -- if you want a woman who moves on from her relationships - that's what you deserve to have.

 

Sharing the bed was wrong! I totally agree.. But, I have no problem with having a platonic relationship with a former lover. I have done it, and so have many of my friends. I think it is silly to think that one has to cut former partners from their lives.

 

OP, she should include you with these guys when they hang out.

[willdation]

It is about balance. Being too controlling is a sign of weakness, but so is having no boundaries. You need to set some healthy boundaries I would suggest in this case.

 

If a woman feels she can have her way with you and treat you like a doormat, she will lose respect and in turn lose attraction for you.

 

Would she be OK with you texting other girls and going on "friendly" dates? Perhaps, going out for a "friendly" glass of wine after work with the new young/attractive coworker?

 

I doubt it.

[superfan]

Thank you all for your responses - really appreciate getting perspective.

 

We have talked openly at length about and explained to each other why we are both uncomfortable with our respective request.

 

For the record I did not demand she not hang out them - we discussed our feeling openly and discussed courses of action: not hanging out with them was my suggestion. She is trying to meet me halfway and is willing to hang out in groups with them and introduce them to me.

 

Not wanting her to hang out with them anymore - whether it's phrased as a demand or a suggestion - is still attempting to control her behaviour. You want her to cut people out of her life because you feel uncomfortable. You need to move past that impulse.

 

Now that isn't to say she shouldn't compromise. As you said she is meeting you halfway and altering the way that she interacts with them - which is good. That's how a relationship SHOULD work. She still keeps her friends but modifies her behaviour in such a way that she does not cross any boundaries. Now you have to work on being OK with that. Meeting these guys should help. I know it did for my husband when he met my exes. Seeing them as people rather than an imaginary threat is a good step.

 

 

She is meeting her therapist tomorrow who knows her history. We decided after she meets and talks to her we'll make our decision together (date or she stops seeing them). I 100% acknowledge its her decision and will walk away amicably if she chose the other. Haha, I really want this to work - we click on everything else and that's why I dove in knowing these issues. It's rare to met someone like her but I know if it doesnt work there will be others out there (despite the faffe of the search). Happy for those who have found someone they are compatible with.

 

I know it is selfish of me, but this issue changed me into someone I was never: I always trusted girlfriends and never asked her where she is or who she is with, but now if she tells me she is out I get scarily anxious.

 

Thanks!

 

Honestly if you are not willing to compromise and meet her halfway, then walk away now. Don't drag it out and wait until she "discusses it with her therapist" because you have already said here that if her decision isn't the one you want you are going to leave. You cannot demand she change her behaviour simply because you don't like it. That isn't healthy and even if she makes the decision you want, SHE will be resentful of you. Either you can compromise or not. She is already meeting you halfway by acknowledging that her boundaries were not acceptable and promising to work on that. YOU now need to work on yourself. It takes two. If you can't do that, walk away now.

[Pleasedonot5]

It is NOT controlling to expect your S/O not to spend days together with their exes... This isn't a matter of casual lunches and her inviting you along... This is dates and whole days together. Also, she broke your trust already by having a man sleep in her bed. I think you have every right to be upset and have this boundary for yourself.

[superfan]

While I wasn't really referencing your post, I believe this is not controlling behavior on his behalf. Who would be ok with their supposedly committed partner sleeping in the same bed with another male and being close to people she banged before? Not many.

 

It's one thing to say this person is controlling from the sidelines...a completely different thing to be in this situation. It's bound to make anyone at least uncomfortable, unless you also invite the opposite sex into your bed and etc...although I wouldn't say you are monogamous in nature IMO if you do.

 

No, the bed sharing was inappropriate, but the OP said that they discussed that and she AGREED it was inappropriate and promised in the future only to meet up in group situations and/or invite him along. That to me says she is acknowledging her lack of boundaries and making an attempt to change - a compromise. He has then gone on to say that he is still uncomfortable with it (despite her making an effort to modify her own behaviour) and that he still wants her to stop seeing them. THAT is trying to control her. There is NOTHING wrong with a person maintaining a friendship with someone they used to date as long as the behaviour remains respectful of the relationship they are in. She is trying to make sure that is the case. It's now on the OP to either meet her halfway and try to get past his own issues or walk away. But demanding she stop seeing them because he still feels uncomfortable is wrong.

 

And yeah I do have friends I used to date. My behaviour with them is respectful towards my husband and he is fine with these people in my life. In fact, he is good friends with them too.

[superfan]

It is NOT controlling to expect your S/O not to spend days together with their exes... This isn't a matter of casual lunches and her inviting you along... This is dates and whole days together. Also, she broke your trust already by having a man sleep in her bed. I think you have every right to be upset and have this boundary for yourself.

 

He does have a right to be upset about her sharing a bed with a former ex. And communicating that upset is important. She, in turn, promised to change her interactions with the guys and include him in them. THAT should be the end of it. Continuing to make demands on her is controlling.

[Pleasedonot5]

He does have a right to be upset about her sharing a bed with a former ex. And communicating that upset is important. She, in turn, promised to change her interactions with the guys and include him in them. THAT should be the end of it. Continuing to make demands on her is controlling.

1. When did OP make demands? (Disclaimer: I would still be supportive of OP if he had a "this is a red flag / boundary of mine" chat).

 

2. No, going on day-long, 1-1 dates with exes / former lovers while in a relationship is unacceptable and disrespectful to OP.

[superfan]

1. When did OP make demands? (Disclaimer: I would still be supportive of OP if he had a "this is a red flag / boundary of mine" chat).

 

2. No, going on day-long, 1-1 dates with exes / former lovers while in a relationship is unacceptable and disrespectful to OP.

 

1. He said in his last post that he was still uncomfortable with his ex hanging out with them despite promising to change her behaviour and include him on these outings. He said that she was going to talk to her therapist but if was still determined to have these people in her life then he would walk away. While that isn't making explicit demands to her, it is still attempting to control her behaviour and if he is unwilling to work with a compromise (which is what she offered) he should leave before she talks to the therapist because he clearly isn't happy until she changes her behaviour to a level he is comfortable with and that is not a healthy relationship.

 

2. I don't see where he said she is STILL doing this (spending the whole day with them) and even if she was, as long as no physical boundaries were crossed it doesn't strike me as particularly unacceptable. I have hung out with one of my exes for a day. Hell, I used to look after their children while they were working. Occasionally he would have the day off and we would hang out. From what he said though, it sounds as if after their talk, she promised to STOP hanging out with them for lengthy periods and/or invite her boyfriend along. Perfectly reasonable compromise.

[Pleasedonot5]

1. He said in his last post that he was still uncomfortable with his ex hanging out with them despite promising to change her behaviour and include him on these outings. He said that she was going to talk to her therapist but if was still determined to have these people in her life then he would walk away. While that isn't making explicit demands to her, it is still attempting to control her behaviour and if he is unwilling to work with a compromise (which is what she offered) he should leave before she talks to the therapist because he clearly isn't happy until she changes her behaviour to a level he is comfortable with and that is not a healthy relationship.

 

2. I don't see where he said she is STILL doing this (spending the whole day with them) and even if she was, as long as no physical boundaries were crossed it doesn't strike me as particularly unacceptable. I have hung out with one of my exes for a day. Hell, I used to look after their children while they were working. Occasionally he would have the day off and we would hang out. From what he said though, it sounds as if after their talk, she promised to STOP hanging out with them for lengthy periods and/or invite her boyfriend along. Perfectly reasonable compromise.

 

1. I see your point, but it seems like OP is ready to walk away if his boundaries are crossed. To me, he's serious about this; it's really bothering him to the point of actually walking away. If he was just making idle threats knowing fully he wasn't going to walk away, that would be a controlling tactic. Because he's serious, and because a reasonable person would also have issue with her behavior, she's broken trust before, etc. I don't think he's being controlling in this scenario.

 

2. Hanging out in groups and introducing them to me would make me feel better, too. I've been in relationships where s/o has hung out with exes, and I've also been on the reverse side of it as well. As long as trust is there for s/o and the ex in acting reasonably, then I wouldn't have a problem with it either. However, had I known previous exes we're macho/controlling, she slept in the same bed with one of them, she was going on day-long dates with them, and she wants to keep what sounds like lots of them in her life, I would feel very uncomfortable and strange about the insistence to continue hanging out with them outside of public place coffee/lunch.

 

I agree that the compromise is a step in the right direction, and I applaud OP for communicating his boundaries with her so that this positive change would happen. That said, the continued insistence on hanging out with all her (controlling?) exes would make uncomfortable just like OP is feeling right now. Would I walk away? Depends on my level of trust -- probably not, because it's fairly reasonable. But I guess that's up to OP and his personal boundaries for relationships. There would be little/nothing wrong with him walking away if personal boundaries (i.e. ex not hanging out with exes) continue to be breached.

[thealchemist]

It doesn't sound like you are being controlling to me. The boundaries you are wanting are the same I would want too.

 

I personally think that people who have attachments to exs like that are just setting themselves up for drama in a relationship.

 

I also think you have no business telling her what to do, but from what it sounds like you have not. You are just expressing your feelings about the situation to her.

 

The whole "i don't want to stop because that is how controlling relationships start" is bull$hit in my opinion. Having no boundaries is how they start.

 

But if she is so wrapped up in her great relationships with her exes then you need to move on.

 

The fact that she has done all you have said makes it clear she has boundary issues. I don't see how you could even be in a healthy and balanced relationship with someone like that. I couldn't.

 

You have a tough decision ahead of you.

[reinventmyself]

Not condoning her stance, but having been in controlling relationships you tend to come out the other side a little hyper vigilant

about these things.

 

With time you learn to not swing too far in the wrong direction and begin to find a middle ground. Hopefully with the help of therapy.

 

Just a little peek of what might be going on her head. Not saying it's right, but it's just eerily familiar.