Hiding friendships from other friends

[Starlight925]

OK, so this is getting out of hand for me, and I want to hear if you have any types of similar situations, and how you handle them:

 

Scenario 1 (has probably happened to us all):

Ann is your friend for many years. Ann introduces you to Beverly. Beverly calls and asks you to do something, just you & Beverly, without Ann, just so the two of you can get to know each other better. You totally hit it off with Beverly, and you become friends, doing things often without Ann.

 

Scenario 2:

Beverly, your new friend from Ann, now invites you to a gathering of say, 5-8 people, including a lot of Ann's mutual friends, but Ann is still not included. You become friends with some of those friends.

 

Scenario 3:

Some of Beverly's and Ann's mutual friends, who you have now gotten to know, start inviting you to events, parties, etc.. Sometimes, Ann is still included, sometimes not.

 

Ann and you are still friends and still talk often and still do things together. Ann is still considered the "glue" of all these friendships, and Ann will still have parties, etc., with all of you, not realizing that you have become friends with each other.

 

So you all sort of quietly, mutually decide.....no Facebook pictures, make sure all your emails don't accidentally get forwarded Ann's way, so as to not hurt Ann's feelings.

 

How do you handle this?

 

As an adult, we should all realize.....friends often become friends from other friends. But all this evading is driving me crazy.

[Seraphim]

I wouldn't bother evading. My best friend here in the town that I live in I met through another friend . The initial first friend moved away and now she's peeved that I'm best friends with what was her friend to begin with . I think it's all so stupid . People are friends with different people for different reasons . Different friends fullfill different needs within ourselves and them . We shouldn't have to hide or justify who we are friends with . And if we do there's a big problem . I don't bother hiding any Facebook pictures or whatever if the first person doesn't like it too bad .

[Starlight925]

Agree totally, Seraphim. My issue is that all the other friends have an understanding to evade, so when they bring me in to their new circles, it's with the unsaid understanding that this will be kept on the DL.

 

It's so stupid.

 

I've just been invited to something this weekend, a friend of a friend, and all of the initial friend's friends will be there, but the first friend is not invited. So grade school. We are in our late 50's/early 60's!!

[Seraphim]

That's just bananas .

[j.man]

I go to a party I'm invited to. Other friend isn't invited and doesn't like it, that's up to them to take up with whoever invited folks. I don't put up with that kind of drama for a relationship, much less a friendship. Moment someone puts me in a position to have to choose, I make a choice, and they're the one who get dropped.

[Starlight925]

J.Man., that's too mature. Our group couldn't handle that.

 

In my case, Ann is the original friend, and she's very alpha. Always organizing this party or that trip. She has spent decades, though, bringing people in or out of her circle. She has "banished" a couple of people over the years, but many of us have stayed friends with the "banished", and those "banished" people have included me in some terrific things that Ann misses out on, including the event tomorrow, and actually the one I was at last night.

 

No one wants to upset Ann. Ann is all-powerful. O.M.G. Sooooo stupid.

[Hollyj]

Why did you not include Ann when getting to know Beverly? If you are good friends with Ann, I think that this is bit off.

 

Why are the other people not inviting Ann? What is wrong with her?

 

Going to the point of not posting photos on FB is strange and extreme. I am not saying that she has to always be included, but why are people going to such extremes?

 

This is high school stuff.

[Hollyj]

Agree totally, Seraphim. My issue is that all the other friends have an understanding to evade, so when they bring me in to their new circles, it's with the unsaid understanding that this will be kept on the DL.

 

It's so stupid.

 

I've just been invited to something this weekend, a friend of a friend, and all of the initial friend's friends will be there, but the first friend is not invited. So grade school. We are in our late 50's/early 60's!!

 

This is weird. Aren't you wondering when you will be that 'friend?'

 

I would never purposely exclude friends! For me, the more, the better!!!

 

So, Ann is not invited by the "banished?" Was Beverly banished, too?

[Starlight925]

For me, too, the more the better! I’m not the one excluding Ann. Others are.

 

Ann is very alpha, very center-of-attention, very know-it-all. Still, I include her whenever I organize something.

 

The thing I’m going to tomorrow was actually organized by two of Ann’s friends, yet I noticed that Ann was not included on the invite. It’s just odd, as it’s particularly a holiday get-together, and Ann originally introduced us all.

[Hollyj]

I don't understand why you did not include her, when you and Beverly were getting to know one another. I'm not saying that you should be attached at the hip, but I think as the connector between you and Beverly, she should have been included.

 

If I were Ann, and found out about all of this stuff, I would be hurt.

[Starlight925]

I don't understand why you did not include her, when you and Beverly were getting to know one another. I'm not saying that you should be attached at the hip, but I think as the connector between you and Beverly, she should have been included.

 

Because I wasn’t the one doing the inviting. When I’m the one who invites, I include her. But I can’t just show up with her at a party to which she isn’t invited by someone else.

[reinventmyself]

I don't envy you. I have similar dynamics within 2 circles of friends. It makes me really uncomfortable.

 

I arranged a small gathering one night. I lost sleep over knowing that if I invited one particular controversial friend, most wouldn't show.

I still had to shut down the conflict in my head and just follow my heart and let things fall where they may knowing I have no control over others opinions and actions.

I could have very well ended up with just to the 2 of us and dinner for 8. She ended up not coming.

 

I don't have any really good advise for you. Play it day by day and whenever you have to make a decision just choose to take the high road.

We are about the same age too. It seems so juvenile. Not what you expected at this age, right?

 

At the rate things are going Ann will catch on. But honestly, Ann is the common denominator here and she may very well be your good friend, but she'll need to take a look at herself and wonder why

she's being excluded from others. That's totally on her, not you.

[DancingFool]

I guess my take on these kinds of things is that friendships are optional. If these friends involve this kind of drama, that's not my cup of tea and I'd be fading out on all of them or perhaps keep only those who are no longer a part of this group and aren't playing these games. Basically, I'd be busy seeking out new friendships that do not involve this kind of childish drama. I just don't have that kind of patience for that stuff.

[ThatwasThen]

So you all sort of quietly, mutually decide.....no Facebook pictures, make sure all your emails don't accidentally get forwarded Ann's way, so as to not hurt Ann's feelings.

 

How do you handle this?

Anne has been your friend for years. Poor Anne. Why is she not being included... what is it about Anne that ya'all are being b****s to her?

 

Anne would be my priority and I would do my best to have her included and if she was not included then I would not attend either. Going out without Anne occasionally is understandable, excluding her and then doing things to make sure she doesn't know she's been excluded is brutal.

 

It all speaks of a "Mean Girls" mentality to me.

 

so when they bring me in to their new circles, it's with the unsaid understanding that this will be kept on the DL.

I'd have no part of that bs.

[abitbroken]

I don't think you had to invite Anne to everything - but the whole "agreement to not post things on facebook so Anne doesn't know" smells of rotten fish. It sounds like junior high school mean girls. it honestly does.

[Starlight925]

Anne has been your friend for years. Poor Anne. Why is she not being included... what is it about Anne that ya'all are being b****s to her?

 

Anne would be my priority and I would do my best to have her included and if she was not included then I would not attend either. Going out without Anne occasionally is understandable, excluding her and then doing things to make sure she doesn't know she's been excluded is brutal.

 

It all speaks of a "Mean Girls" mentality to me.

 

I'd have no part of that bs.

 

What Anne has done is banished different people from the friendship group.

 

Example: Anne introduced us to Jill. She invited Jill with us to a lot of things, and we all got to know and like Jill. Then Anne decided to suddenly cut off Jill, effectively ghosting Jill. Anne wants nothing to do with Jill ever again.

 

We, however, like Jill. Jill is very hurt, as Jill has reached out to Anne multiple times, to see why Anne cut her off. Anne refuses to answer. So we continue to do things with Jill. Jill will host events, but now, of course, Jill does not include Anne.

 

Anne, as I said earlier, has done this to multiple people. But just because Anne cuts someone off does not mean that I want to.

 

As Reinventmyself said above, it's just a slippery slope, but I've hosted things and invited whoever the heck I want. It's just a strange position for me when someone else invites me to something, and is currently still Anne's friend, but does not include Anne.

 

I guess I started this thread just wondering if I'm the only one that ever deals with this stuff.

[Hollyj]

Because I wasn’t the one doing the inviting. When I’m the one who invites, I include her. But I can’t just show up with her at a party to which she isn’t invited by someone else.

 

I am speaking of the initial hangouts with Beverly.

[Hollyj]

Anne has been your friend for years. Poor Anne. Why is she not being included... what is it about Anne that ya'all are being b****s to her?

 

Anne would be my priority and I would do my best to have her included and if she was not included then I would not attend either. Going out without Anne occasionally is understandable, excluding her and then doing things to make sure she doesn't know she's been excluded is brutal.

 

It all speaks of a "Mean Girls" mentality to me.

 

I'd have no part of that bs.

 

You said it!!!!

[ThatwasThen]

Then Anne decided to suddenly cut off Jill, effectively ghosting Jill. Anne wants nothing to do with Jill ever again.

Why would Anne just suddenly cut Jill (or anyone else) off?

Sorry if I missed you saying that ^ earlier... I didn't read it in your opening post.

[Batya33]

I get the sense that while you say you like Anne it's more just in small doses because the aspects you don't like overtake it.

[nutbrownhare]

It sounds as though Ann can be bossy and overbearing, especially as regards excluding people from the group for her own reasons and then expecting everyone else to follow suit... but it seems that nobody else stands up to her. Rather than being treated as an adult, she's being viewed as a scary matron figure who must be obeyed or she'll punish you all in some way.

 

If a friend of mine was 'excluded' from a group but I still liked him/her, I'd make it very clear that I would not be taking sides, I like so-and-so and that I'd be continuing to see them. If the 'Ann' figure in this then decided to exclude me, too... so be it.

 

The creeping around behind her back is also part of the not standing up to her. If you all DO continue to see her on occasion anyway, and post pictures of the event on FB which include her, what's the problem with putting up pics of events which don't? Presumably there are other people in the friendship group who aren't included in every party - for whatever reason...?

 

If Ann was routinely excluded, tried to keep in touch with people who consistently rejected her etc etc, that would be one thing. As it is, she is sometimes invited and sometimes not and I'd guess that's true of others as well. As it is, she is being given the illusion of being in control of the entire group - and this isn't good for her, let alone the rest of you. Although you state that she's the glue that holds the group together, that's just not true. It's the warmth and friendship between you all which holds you together - and that would be the case whether she were around or not.

[Capricorn3]

I go to a party I'm invited to. Other friend isn't invited and doesn't like it, that's up to them to take up with whoever invited folks. I don't put up with that kind of drama for a relationship, much less a friendship. Moment someone puts me in a position to have to choose, I make a choice, and they're the one who get dropped.

 

I second this. This all sounds so high-schoolish, immature and childish it does my head in. I have no time for such things. When things get so messy within a group, that's when I head out, lol.

[rapunzel]

I have experienced this, I am well over 50 and being the one "left out" after introducing the two friends who go off and develop a close friendship while the introducer is left in the dust, it is very painful. One of the women in my friendship triangle sounds like an "Ann". She is socially aggressive, a "queen bee" of sorts and I am not.

 

I think one should put themselves in the other's shoes and try to imagine what it feels like when this happens. For whatever reason, it hurts deeply to be excluded socially at any age especially if you had separate relationships for many years with the people you introduced. Yes, it happens even to people in their 50s and 60s but it does not make it any less hurtful . Yes, if you are the introducer you have no choice but to keep your mouth shut, accept the changes in these friendships and deal with it, move on and try to live your best life.

 

Social media has just made this situation worse, with grown adults feeling the need to post photos of such gatherings to garner "likes" and show how popular they are, what fun they are having with the very good chance the person left out will see the photos.

 

Always put yourself in someone else's shoes and imagine what it would feel like if you were the one left out. That might change the attitude that it is "so stupid".