Relationship with Step-daughter

[semaj281]

I was grounded for 3 months because I got a C when I was 14, and that included no TV. Um, 2 days is nothing.

 

Parenting involves the good, bad, and ugly. Call your wife, and talk to her about your kid, yes, she's your kid too, and form a united front. A dad is whomever is taking care and loving the kid, and being the dad.

 

Working on that now. I feel this is paramount to everything else right now. I will be setting up family counseling so we can come to a better understanding. This was the wife's suggestion so I'm not forcing it on anyone.

 

Was her father abusive to her mom? Is that why she went bananas?

 

Yes! There is a history of physical and verbal abuse. That is why they split up. From what I understand she wasn't around when the abuse was happening but I am sure her older brother shared stories.

 

The mom was abused too as a child. Molestations and beatings that fall outside of the typical spankings. That may have a lot to do with her disciplinary style. She is afraid of crossing the line.

[semaj281]

Yes, I meant towards the kids. You mentioned long work days, and also chronic pain/anxiety/ something else on her end. It made me wonder if she is emotionally and practically available for them. Then you mentioned she's lenient and the way she is choosing to stand as far as this incident , and I REALLY wonder about that.

 

You also mentioned a sibling of the teens in hospital recently that involved ICU - so very serious and scary.

 

All these things together, it's not too difficult to see why she's struggling and acting out. And it is acting out - a cry for attention, even if it's 'bad' attention. And yes, her mom ( even if it's briefly) is focusing on her a little bit.

 

14 year old girls need their moms.

Yes, my wife is epileptic and needs medication to keep her seizures under control. One night she had an episode because she had been on the same medicine for almost 10 years and I guess she had developed a tolerance to it. So she seized in front of our daughter and was taken to the hospital. That was earlier this year. And then recently her brother not being home for 3 nights/4 days for an ICU visit.

 

I'm sure she is hurting inside and needs her mom and (real) dad. So the best I can do is be around when needed and stay out of her boundaries as much as possible.

[Seraphim]

Working on that now. I feel this is paramount to everything else right now. I will be setting up family counseling so we can come to a better understanding. This was the wife's suggestion so I'm not forcing it on anyone.

 

 

 

Yes! There is a history of physical and verbal abuse. That is why they split up. From what I understand she wasn't around when the abuse was happening but I am sure her older brother shared stories.

 

The mom was abused too as a child. Molestations and beatings that fall outside of the typical spankings. That may have a lot to do with her disciplinary style. She is afraid of crossing the line.

Ok, now I understand the dynamics. Same for me. My dad was in all ways abusive to my mom. I was also molested.

 

I think you all need family counseling.

[Seraphim]

But laisse faire daughter can do as she pleases won’t work either. That is neglectful parenting at worst and lazy at best.

[Seraphim]

Btw : I am not a stepparent but have had two wonderful stepfathers. So I'm not against blended families I have had one most of my life . My first step father came into my life when I was five years old . And my second one when I was 25 . So my mom has been a stepmother twice . I know it's a very difficult thing to try and blend of family and to parent another person's child . But they have a lot of dynamics there that need fixing . So hopefully Mom and all the kids and all of you can do some family counselling .

 

And I understand to what it is too be a mom after you have been abused yourself . You question yourself about a lot of things and if you should be tough or easy . And I'm sure your wife wants to be the best mom possible . And it's very hard to learn boundaries after you have been abused . And I know I'm not a perfect mom nobody is . ( my son is 20 and has autism) So that's a very difficult balance . And that's where counselling could help too. I have had a lot of counselling myself because I have panic disorder, PTSD ,anxiety and other health issues that require anti seizure meds. Those are not delightful meds I can assure you so I understand your wife there .

 

But the aim is to be a healthy thriving family ,right ?

[abitbroken]

Honestly, i would not have said a word if the daughter went straight to her room. She may have been ordered their by your wife.

 

but either way - you don't deserve to be hit and kicked. So the mother was okay with her calling the police?? When the police got there, did your wife back you up??

I think you need to get her into counseling ASAP.

She could be rebelling but also divorce and remarraige is tough for kids as well and she could be testing to see if you will leave or stay.

[abitbroken]

Could you suggest to your wife to hire an assistant? her kids need her around more

[semaj281]

I was grounded for 3 months because I got a C when I was 14, and that included no TV. Um, 2 days is nothing.

 

Parenting involves the good, bad, and ugly. Call your wife, and talk to her about your kid, yes, she's your kid too, and form a united front. A dad is whomever is taking care and loving the kid, and being the dad.

 

Think of it this way, will her grades drastically improve in 2 days? Nope. So not sure why only grounding her for two days would make a difference.

So when you were grounded for those 3 months, did it build any resentment between you and your parents? Do you feel that the groundings worked for you in the long run?

 

Honestly, i would not have said a word if the daughter went straight to her room. She may have been ordered their by your wife.

Looking back on it, you're probably right. I should have left her be.

 

but either way - you don't deserve to be hit and kicked. So the mother was okay with her calling the police?? When the police got there, did your wife back you up??

I think you need to get her into counseling ASAP.

She could be rebelling but also divorce and remarraige is tough for kids as well and she could be testing to see if you will leave or stay.

I agree. And no she backed up our daughter and made her the victim because I pushed her off to make her stop hitting me. She made a second attempt (which is when the kicking started) so out of instinct I threw punches at her. I will make full disclosure here so I don't paint the wrong picture for my wife. We've have altercations in the past where I was throwing things and/or raising my voice and have broken my own belongings out of anger. I am not sure if that changes anything. But my guess is the kids probably heard us arguing and raised level of concern. We agreed that I start counseling first and I had an appointment scheduled the week after. The sad thing is when I came home from work that day (yesterday) I was met with police officers and they took me to jail for battery. This was based on what my daughter (and my wife) told the police after the incident Tuesday night. I was not there when the police arrived so I don't know what was said. They went as far to request a temporary protective order and will most likely testify against me in court for the criminal charge. So Seraphim had it right. Right now I'm at my folks' house as I'm banned from being in my own home and waiting for my court date. It looks like she's setting up for an easy process in divorce court.

 

Could you suggest to your wife to hire an assistant? her kids need her around more

She has hired someone recently (still going through training) and I had been helping with her work.

 

I don't know what to do at this point. I really do regret throwing punches that night and wished I just stayed put. Law enforcement tends to listen to women and kids and what guys say go out the window. So am I doomed? If she files a no-fault divorce on the ground that I am dangerous, then it's game over for me. It's devastating to picture a life without them. I've been wanting a family like this since my early 20s. I'm not a perfect man but I did my best to be there for them while juggling work. I feel like I'm being booted out before even getting a chance to work on myself.

[ThatwasThen]

Personally, I think grounding a child for 3 months is ridiculous. There is no way (more times then not) that any parent is going to be able to maintain that length of punishment without caving at some point and giving in. I don't think any family therapist would recommend a grounding for that long... That is house arrest for a juvenile delinquent, certainly not something any teenager who is having problems should be given. Grounding and declining privileges is certainly a good strategy to help put an end to certain behaviours but it shouldn't be for months at a time. (JMO).

 

I really think that you and your wife and your step daughter would do well to book yourselves into family therapy and get professional advice on how to handle whatever it is your teenager is going through. Your wife owes it to her daughter to be doing something serious so that her daughter doesn't end up in real house arrest or in Juvy Hall. She definitely is going through something that needs addressing with a professional before it becomes a lifestyle rather then just a stage.

[tattoobunnie]

So when you were grounded for those 3 months, did it build any resentment between you and your parents? Do you feel that the groundings worked for you in the long run?

 

Maybe at the time, but that's typical. No one loves to be disciplined, but kids desperately need discipline. I wind up get straight A's after that, and went on to be a Dean's List student, Cum Laude, and having 3.94 GPA with my Masters. Temporary resentment is typical in all teenage girls. Think of all the MTV spoiled teen girls with their sweet 16's being given everything they want, and they still are mean their parents or people. As much as her mom wants to coddle her, and you want her to love you, doing what's right, establishing rules and boundaries is what makes a difference.

 

I think you should set up a time with the mom to talk, then talk together as a family.

[tattoobunnie]

Okay, let me also share, my 3 nieces and nephew, after school, were only allowed to come, do their homework, play piano. All 4 of them got full rides with spending money to Harvard, Yale, and Princeton - I am so not kidding in any way. And they are awesome wonderful kids, and the 3 older daughters are all happily married, and the eldest has a daughter. The son is still finishing medical school.

 

I think our over-indulgence with cell phones, and iPads, and endless TV, is nothing but a disservice for them. I just don't think 2 days of grounding does anything for a kid that's failing. It doesn't solve anything. What really makes a difference is parental guidance; being an active an involved parent with their schooling and activities.

 

I think your step daughter is struggling, and is desperate for discipline (attention). Discipline is loving your child.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't think 2 days is enough either but three months is out-of-hand. (JMO)

[tattoobunnie]

Worked for me.

 

There was a time there was no such thing as an Ipad, Or, kids having a cell phone. And a time where there was only 1 TV in the house. Any kid would be fine. It's time for her to focus on her studies, and time with family. Not get stressed out by boys not liking her.

[abitbroken]

I think this girl is crying for help. Individual counseling for her is sorely needed. its teenage stuff, but its also tough when mom is on the second guy and you probably are testing him in the extreme to see if he will abandon you like dad did or even if she wants you to leave. It is rebellion, but she is not capable of appropriate attachment because she has experienced abuse.

 

Instead of punching back at her and thinking about how its not fair for treating you the way you are treated, you need to look at her as a very troubled girl. You don't punch back - you remain calm and remove yourself - and always stay calm. If she is not getting a rise, it makes a difference. I think you and your wife need to make time for yourself as a couple and you also need to put her in counseling as well as family counseling. Your marriage is the primary thing here and if your marriage is strong and you are a united front, its better for the kids- but if you and your wife are divided, you might as well throw the towel in and accept being walked over.

 

I think that no grounding will work if mom isn't the source of it. and i really think grounding ultimately won't work -- because there are deeper issues at play here that need to be addressed by a professional.

[IAmFCA]

It's devastating to picture a life without them. I've been wanting a family like this since my early 20s. I'm not a perfect man but I did my best to be there for them while juggling work. I feel like I'm being booted out before even getting a chance to work on myself.

 

Be careful of this habit of thinking of yourself as a victim. None of us are victims. How much do you want THIS woman, THIS family? Or would some other family do?

[abitbroken]

I am so sad for you that you got kicked out of your own home. It may be over for your new job, too. I think i would seek legal counsel over this. Has the daughter had any record or run-ins or any type of counseling that would indicate that she was slightly troubled? If you punched her hard, i cannot blame your wife for siding with her daughter. No man should punch or strike a young girl - blocking is okay. turning around so she gets your back is okay. This is going to be a tough one unless you get some good legal counsel - good witnesses that can attest to her behavior, etc. Is there any way that you can get a lawyer and the lawyer can request that the daughter receive counseling for her behavior?

[semaj281]

Be careful of this habit of thinking of yourself as a victim. None of us are victims. How much do you want THIS woman, THIS family? Or would some other family do?

 

Sorry, didn't mean to come off as the victim. I would do anything for her and the family. I married her thinking we would grow old together so there is no replacement. The marriage overall was good before this happened.

 

I am so sad for you that you got kicked out of your own home. It may be over for your new job, too. I think i would seek legal counsel over this. Has the daughter had any record or run-ins or any type of counseling that would indicate that she was slightly troubled? If you punched her hard, i cannot blame your wife for siding with her daughter. No man should punch or strike a young girl - blocking is okay. turning around so she gets your back is okay. This is going to be a tough one unless you get some good legal counsel - good witnesses that can attest to her behavior, etc. Is there any way that you can get a lawyer and the lawyer can request that the daughter receive counseling for her behavior?

 

No run ins but she is currently getting counseling at her school. I don't know what the law sees as "professional help." As for having a lawyer request counseling for her, I'm not sure how the mom would take that.

 

As for my new job, if the background check is done before any convictions go on my record, I should be ok.

[chitown9]

Please get a lawyer asap.

[semaj281]

Already on that. I am signing paperwork as we speak.

[Seraphim]

Dude, just get divorced. That family is a train wreck .

[Seraphim]

Serve her with divorce papers like yesterday. Tell the cops you want your personal effects.

 

However you need counselling for yourself . Yelling ,screaming ,breaking things and throwing punches at 14-year-old are crazy abusive behaviour .

[boltnrun]

These kids have witnessed their mother in two abusive marriages (yes, you are abusive). Those poor, poor kids.

 

Sorry, but after you told the full story I lost sympathy for you. I presume you left those details out because you knew what you did was wrong and if you made a full disclosure you wouldn't get any supportive responses.

 

P!ease get some intensive therapy. As for your family? If your wife wrote in I'd advise her to divorce you.

[Seraphim]

And he mother will continue to find abusive relationships until she sorts herself out.

[semaj281]

However you need counselling for yourself . Yelling ,screaming ,breaking things and throwing punches at 14-year-old are crazy abusive behaviour .

The yelling and breaking things were when I had arguments with the wife. I had never done this to the kids. I have signed up for one on one counseling.

[Seraphim]

The yelling and breaking things were when I had arguments with the wife. I had never done this to the kids. I have signed up for one on one counseling.

 

Breaking things is an abusive scare tactic. Make no mistake. It is intended to intimidate . And if the kids heard you that is abusing the kids as well .