I can't trust my boyfriend

[Mals123]

Me and boyfriend have only been dating for about 6 months.

In the beginning everything seemed so perfect he was a gentleman. But I knew eventually the reality of things would come along. 2 months or so into our relationship I was using his phone to text my friend because my battery died. But I saw a girls name and some hearts and sweet words sent, so yeah I was snooped which I feel bad about.

But anyways I found out he was talking to a few girls maybe 2-3 of his exes. So I flipped out. I felt heartbroken.

He claimed that they text him and he's just trying to be nice (bull crap) but swore to me he'd never do it again. Due to my past I have really bad trust issues and haven't trusted him since but I still date him. I catch him looking at girls in public when I with him which I get it sometimes I look at guys it's just natural for people to look. But he looks at every freaking girl. It makes me feel insecure.

So that hurts my trust with him.

Now he's on a week long business trip in California which is where his ex lives. I told him my concerns but he says I'm overreacting. But what girl wouldn't?!? I mean he claimed the only reason they broke up was because he moved so of course that makes me feel like when he's back in town they will see each other. And since he's been there he's barely texting me back. I just can't trust him. Am I overreacting? I really don't know what to do....i really like him but deep down in my heart I know something is up.

He's always hiding his phone from me I really feel like he's just screwing with me deep down.

[ThatwasThen]

I think if you keep tormenting him with your past relationship baggage that you haven't worked through yet, you're going to push him right out of your life. If you can't trust him then let him go and don't date until you have more confidence in yourself which will allow you to relax and enjoy who you're with instead of being angst ridden the whole time he's not in your sight.

[figureitout23]

I second thatwasthen

[j.man]

To be clear-- were these texts sent to them while you two were exclusive? What exactly does "sweet words" mean? As for him hiding his phone, you went through it. Of course he's going to make it difficult for you to help yourself.

 

Really, if you feel heartbroken, if you feel like you can't trust him, why stay? If you're prone to really bad trust issues, whether or not a situation justifies it, it's probably best you take some time to be single and work through that.

[yatsue]

I think if you keep tormenting him with your past relationship baggage that you haven't worked through yet, you're going to push him right out of your life. If you can't trust him then let him go and don't date until you have more confidence in yourself which will allow you to relax and enjoy who you're with instead of being angst ridden the whole time he's not in your sight.

 

Are you serious?? The dude flirts with multiple women, some most likely ex gf's, and you guys blame the OP? This isn't about any of her past baggage of bad experiences, it's about her current bf being loose around other women while in a relationship. She didn't have any trust issues before his flirting was discovered, so your logic does not make any sense.

 

OP, you are understandably untrusting of him after accidentally stumbling on some sketchy messages. You are not a snoop, not someone with baggage, but are a person finding it hard to cope with a person who has very poor boundaries and lost your trust. The only thing you are currently doing wrong is staying with this creep after learning his ways, while you know you cannot handle it. You know who he is; either accept he will have more sweet nothings to be said to others or leave. Tigers rarely change their stripes.

[chitown9]

Just for the record, I would not trust this guy either.

[DancingFool]

Agree with the last posters. You don't trust him because he is not trustworthy.

So quit torturing yourself with this bs, dump him and find yourself a man you can trust, aka one who behaves like a decent human being and isn't chatting up other women while with you. If you keep dating cheating, lying, wondering eyeballs, shady, slimy men....of course you'll have serious trust issues....you are not supposed to trust people like that!

[indea08]

"I have bad trust issues" means you shouldn't be dating until you've resolved them, or at least learned to control them. No one enjoys being with a partner who's always waiting for a screw up. You even said yourself "but eventually I knew the reality would come." You were waiting for him to do something (anything) so you could crack your whip on him.

 

This guy clearly lacks boundaries, but so do you. You've watched him texting other girls, checking other girls out in front of you (I hate this one because unless he's making it incredibly obvious, how do you know? And if he IS making it incredibly obvious, then he's an a**hole and you should be smart enough to walk away), and now he's gone off to California. And yet you're still with him?

 

You cannot control what HE does. You can only control YOURSELF. So if he's crossing your boundaries, instead of griping at him about it, take some responsibility for your own life, maintain your boundaries by sending him packing.

[ThatwasThen]

Are you serious?? The dude flirts with multiple women, some most likely ex gf's, and you guys blame the OP?

I think you should read this and take the whole opening post into consideration instead of cherry picking what you reply to. Check out the following:

But anyways I found out he was talking to a few girls maybe 2-3 of his exes. So I flipped out. I felt heartbroken.

He claimed that they text him and he's just trying to be nice (bull crap) but swore to me he'd never do it again.

After telling her he wouldn't do it again, she chose to stay with him. Since she chose to stay with him, then she needs to let go of her insecurities and learn to trust that he won't do it again or she needs to break up with him. She doesn't get to stay and micro manage him or she will drive him away which she doesn't want because she chose to stay with him.

 

This isn't about any of her past baggage of bad experiences, it's about her current bf being loose around other women while in a relationship.

Well, I hardly call talking to people being loose around other women. No where does it say that during those conversations was he soliciting them for sex or anything else that would be reason to react the way you are and the way the Op is. If she is going to stay with him then she needs to shelve her baggage and learn to trust that he will do what he says and "not do it again." If SHE CAN'T do that then it's up to her to leave.

 

She didn't have any trust issues before his flirting was discovered, so your logic does not make any sense.

it makes perfect sense when you put into perspective and not just dwell on something that the op's boyfriend did and when she didn't like it promised her to stop. Just "talking" to someone is not cheating but Op was upset about it and so he stopped but she has not stopped her insecurity and nagging and micro managing his whereabouts and what he's doing. She has trust issues.

 

OP, you are understandably untrusting of him after accidentally stumbling on some sketchy messages. You are not a snoop, not someone with baggage, but are a person finding it hard to cope with a person who has very poor boundaries and lost your trust. The only thing you are currently doing wrong is staying with this creep after learning his ways, while you know you cannot handle it. You know who he is; either accept he will have more sweet nothings to be said to others or leave. Tigers rarely change their stripes.

That is enabling dialogue that allows her not to face her own insecurities and last relationship baggage. If she doesn't trust him then she should just leave him instead of staying and micro managing the way she is trying to do.

 

I'll also add that him looking at girls is no reason for her to be devastated the way she explains she is. If she was secure within that would be nothing to be so upset about. Again, if she can't tolerate a guy she's with doing that then she needs to be with another guy that won't bother to check out chicks. This is totally about her and her choices and unchecked baggage from her last relationship which is verified with the following statement from the Op herself where she admits to having terrible trust issues due to the events in her last union.

 

She didn't have any trust issues before his flirting was discovered, so your logic does not make any sense.

I beg to differ... check out the quote below from the op.

Due to my past I have really bad trust issues

[yatsue]

Thatwasthen, I am not cherrypicking. What do you think saying sweet words to another woman means, enough for the OP to be offended by? A "Oh hey, honey how are you" or some other small talk? No, it would be something inappropriate. Don't be naive. This is not about appropriate opposite sex friendship or acquaintance talks, which I also have. This is about my bf said inappropriate things to another woman and broke trust.

 

Since we have no specific context, it is more open to interpetation. Hence it could be anywhere from "Hey my baby, you were looking so great today" to "Mamma you are the sexiest woman alive, could you use a daddy?" (Lol) It could be anything possibly leading this woman on. Would be helpful for more context, but I believe the OP left the building.

 

As for the past, anyone who had a bad past is going to be weary. She was not weary specifically to her current bf until breaking her trust, which is understandable and hard to gain back. It takes time; doesn't magically happen. She is discovering she cannot easily trust, and I have pointed out knowing this now is a mistake for her to remain with him. So not sure why you're saying I'm enabling. To make it clear, I stated she should not be with him after discovering she can't handle this understandably broken trust, not to stay and keep hounding the guy anytime her cheating spidy senses tingle.

 

I would bet if "sweet words" was replaced with "inappropriate words" and no mentioning of her past, then you would also not be approving of the bf's behavior. It is obvious this was not an innocent female friendship and she had no trust issues with him specifically (even though yes she did get wronged in the past and was weary) until he proved himself distrustful. It all came crashing down and she needs to realize he is no good, thus the relationship should end because she understandably cannot accept it; not many can recover from this.

[ThatwasThen]

Thatwasthen, I am not cherrypicking. What do you think saying sweet words to another woman means, enough for the OP to be offended by? A "Oh hey, honey how are you" or some other small talk? No, it would be something inappropriate. Don't be naive. This is not about appropriate opposite sex friendship or acquaintance talks, which I also have. This is about my bf said inappropriate things to another woman and broke trust.

This is what the Op said... which implies that the girl is the one that sent the sweet words was using his phone to text my friend because my battery died. But I saw a girls name and some hearts and sweet words sent If Op cares to come in and verify if the sweet words were his or the girls then I'll be the first to tell you that you're right. In the meantime, you are doing an awful lot of assuming.

 

Since we have no specific context, it is more open to interpetation. Hence it could be anywhere from "Hey my baby, you were looking so great today" to "Mamma you are the sexiest woman alive, could you use a daddy?" (Lol) It could be anything possibly leading this woman on. Would be helpful for more context, but I believe the OP left the building.

I believe she has as well.

 

As for the past, anyone who had a bad past is going to be weary. She was not weary specifically to her current bf until breaking her trust, which is understandable and hard to gain back.

Like I said, if she is going to stay then she needs to stop with her micro managing and paranoia. If she can't do that then she needs to leave and work on her baggage so that she believes a guy that says "he won't do it again" and if he does, then she's gone.

 

It takes time; doesn't magically happen.

She can't suck and blow at the same time. She is sending him away with her stalking, nagging and paranoia if she doesn't stop but it is her that can't leave or she just would have by now.

 

She is discovering she cannot easily trust, and I have pointed out knowing this now is a mistake for her to remain with him. So not sure why you're saying I'm enabling.

Because you're not pointing out to her that she is half the problem here and if she doesn't work on her fear, insecurity and inability to trust then she will be in this type of relationship with every guy she gets with. She is micro-managing. Your blame lies entirely on the man instead of pointing out to her that when you agree to stay with someone you don't trust, you don't get to torment them into submission.

 

To make it clear, I stated she should not be with him after discovering she can't handle this understandably broken trust,

We still don't know what went on in those emails so I'm not going to discuss whether her inability to trust is this boyfriends fault or the fault of her ex boyfriend but what we can discuss is that she has trust issues.

 

 

 

I would bet if "sweet words" was replaced with "inappropriate words" and no mentioning of her past, then you would also not be approving of the bf's behavior.

No, I would have the same opinion because as I stated, it looks like the inappropriate words are from the girl not the boyfriend. That is how I formed my opinion.

 

It is obvious this was not an innocent female friendship

on the girls email, I would say that she is trying hard to get in his good graces but that doesn't mean he is reciprocating. He immediately told his g/f that "he wouldn't do "it" again (don't know what "it" is yet though so she needs to get over her mistrust or dump him and then work on herself and her past baggage.

 

and she had no trust issues with him specifically (even though yes she did get wronged in the past and was weary) until he proved himself distrustful.

He didn't prove himself anything of the kind. You are assuming.

 

It all came crashing down and she needs to realize he is no good, thus the relationship should end because she understandably cannot accept it; not many can recover from this.

... and unfortunately too many can't leave for some insecure reasoning of their own but would rather stay and try to control while becoming more and more nagging and paranoid.

 

I think we both have explained our positions on this so should probably let it go until the op can clear things up as to what exactly her boyfriends involvement in these emails was and if he's blocked and deleted the chick that was sending him the sweet words.

 

Cheers.

[ThatwasThen]

I'll add to the above by saying that she was using the boyfriends phone because her battery died. That doesn't mean that she should be looking through his email, his texts or anything else on that phone without his specific permission. She snooped which also indicates that she didn't trust him prior to reading anything and that she has trust issues in general that she needs to work on. Sorry for adding so late, it just came to mind.

[yatsue]

This is the original text:

 

"2 months or so into our relationship I was using his phone to text my friend because my battery died. But I saw a girls name and some hearts and sweet words sent, so yeah I was snooped which I feel bad about.

But anyways I found out he was talking to a few girls maybe 2-3 of his exes. So I flipped out. I felt heartbroken.

He claimed that they text him and he's just trying to be nice (bull crap) but swore to me he'd never do it again."

 

The bold is the context behind that it's him who is sending the "sweet words", or aka flirting. If you focus on the bold: She was using his phone, while his phone had a girl's name and some hearts and sweet words sent (to her by his phone, aka him). Then he claims these girls text him and he responded by being nice (reference to him using sweet words on them - why else would she say bull crap?) and he would never do it (talk sweet words to girls) again.

 

With all due respect, I think you are missing the point that it's clear he sent those texts. No it's not literally spelled out word for word, but I digress. I do agree with you she cannot keep up the tabs on him, whereas she has to accept she discovered she cannot trust him and should leave, which I've been trying to state in so many words. However, I also grow tired of waiting for the OP to come back and this isn't a very constructive conversation anymore. Good day y'all!

[ThatwasThen]

I think we both have explained our positions on this so should probably let it go until the op can clear things up as to what exactly her boyfriends involvement in these emails was and if he's blocked and deleted the chick [and] who was sending the sweet words

I repeat ^

[reinventmyself]

I repeat ^

 

No . .we don't know the context but. .

 

I don't think she'd be here asking if the words themselves weren't suspect.

So lets safely assume.

We could get hung up on the semantics of all the posts seeing we aren't in the same room with the person to know any different.

Work with what we have.

[ThatwasThen]

No . .we don't know the context but. .

 

 

Work with what we have.

That's what I've been doing, as I see it.

[figureitout23]

Look, at the end of the day, I think it's safe to assume neither is innocent. Is the guy being untrustworthy? Most likely, but if she's choosing to be with an untrustworthy guy when she has insecurities, she is choosing to drive herself crazy trying to force him to be faithful. When you choose to be with someone you choose to be with them, bad habits and all, if you know he's sketchy and you still stay? That's your cross to bear, you can post online all you want but at the end of the day you're choosing to get into the muck. There is no 'fix' you either decide to trust him or you don't.

[katrina1980]

Oh good lord, the bs this guy is tossing around is so thick you couldn't even cut with a knife.

 

His response "they text me, I was just trying to be nice and I'll never do it again" is such a load of crap, I cannot believe some of you peeps are defending him.

 

Re his ex, the one who still txts him and sends him kisses, he only broke up with her because he moved away, and now he happens to be traveling to California where she lives?

 

And has not texted you since being gone? Or very little?

 

The guy is a total scammer, come on guys, this is such a no brainer.

 

OP, one of my boundaries is never getting involved or staying involved with a man who is still communicating with his ex, let alone several ex's. And especially when either she or he or both are sending kisses!

 

I wouldn't trust him either and therefore would have ended this lunacy the second I discovered those texts from his ex's with or without the kisses.

 

And sorry but based on everything you have posted, I think it's quite likely he flew to CA to see his ex which is why he's not texting you since being gone.