My wife goes out alot

[CharlesC07]

So my wife and I are newly weds going on 2 years of marriage and 3 in a relationship. We have an 18 month old daughter together. When first dating, we used to go out 3-4 times a week together to the bar or other engagements. Now being married, this has continued, but only for her. Her and I get out together for actual "date nights" maybe 3 times a month, (which is not bad for parents!)when we are able to get a sitter, usually for dinner and some drinks elsewhere. Here is where I have issue. Since we have a child, it is obviously hard for us to get out together without a sitter if we are doing something late at night involving alcohol (which it usually does) so usually about 3 times a week my wife will go out without me with some of her friends, mostly single or unmarried women, sometimes meeting with male friends too whom she has known for years and I trust, incidentally. She is almost always going to various bars in the area that do karaoke as she likes to sing and is out from usually 9pm until the bars close (1:30 am where we live). At times she will stay out even later. I feel neglected at times because I am unable to go with her, and though I trust her implicitly not to fool around and don't believe that she has/is, I am sad. She struggles with anxiety and depression and takes care of our child all day as a stay at home mom, so I feel guilty not wanting her to go out so often because it's a good way for her to unwind and get out of the house, but I hate it. I feel hurt that she would prefer to be out with others than at home with me when all I really want is to spend time with her. I'm worried about the long term implications for our relationship as this is much the same behavior she had when single even though she is married with a child now. Am I right to worry? Am I wrong to feel sad and neglected? I have voiced how I feel before but she gets angry and feels I am trying to control her or guilt trip her and that's really not my intention and I feel like it always ends with me feeling like the bad guy. I've suggested going out less, coming home a little earlier or finding other things to do during the day that don't always involve going out to the bar late at night, but nothing has really changed. Any advice for me? Is this behavior normal and do I need to just suck it up? Or should I be worried? Thanks for any help.

[ThatwasThen]

Stop being a babysitter. You enable her to be able to do the stuff you don't like her doing.

 

As long as you agree to stay home and watch the baby, she has free reign to go out and party until 1:30 in the morning. Next time she tells you she's going out, tell her oh sorry, you can't. I'm meeting up with 'John' (or whoever) tonite and then go. Do that the next time as well and when she starts to complain then have a good chat with her about responsibilities as a wife, a mother, a team as partners and that you didn't sign up to be a baby sitter so that she could go out and party alone.

 

Frankly, I can't understand how she can get up and be an involved mother when she's only getting about 5-6 hours sleep before baby wakes up in the morning.

[rosephase]

She is with the baby 24/7 other than these nights out?

 

Being a stay at home mom f*cks with your since of self. She went from being a full time person to a full time mom. That is a rough transition. It sounds like she needs this time so she can hold on to the parts of her that aren't mom. But she needs to have respect for you and your needs as well. It sounds like you miss her.

 

Maybe the best approach is asking for more of what you want and need from her instead of trying to control what she does. It sounds like you want more time with her. It sounds like you want more connection with her. I would start with that stuff. Maybe you need a weekend away together without the baby? Maybe you need a date night just the two of you every week. Maybe you need one night a week that is FAMILY NIGHT. Where the three of you hang out and get good time together?

 

Try approaching her with your needs and desires for your time together and see how that goes.

[thealchemist]

I have seen many marriages crumble because of similar issues that start building over time.

 

First of all, props to you for being a dutiful father while having a stay at home wife. Many people don't think their wife needs a break.

 

Ok. The issue here isn't that she goes out. It seems that it is that you can't go out enough. I would work a lot harder on finding a sitter. So you can go out and do things with her too.

 

To answer another question of yours... There are bad future implications to couples not hanging out together enough and with too much "swap parenting". I feel that if you never spend time then you will eventually drift apart. Sooner or later.

 

Hanging out 3 or 4 times a week is a lot though. How close have you two been? Is this getting away from her family reaponcibilites and taking a break, or just getting away from you? Very hard to read the situation.

 

I don't think your concerns are unfounded in the least though.

 

Try to go on these things with her more and see her out with her friends. If she just seems to enjoy yourself a lot then I would just try to find a sitter a lot.

 

If you go on these things and she gets awkward or doesn't seem to even enjoy herself with you there, that is when I would start to worry.

 

It does sound unfair. If she is a stay at home mom then I think she is entitled to time away. But it is also not fair for you to come home from work and take care of everything and her go out 3 times a week.

[pippy longstocking]

It always kinda bugs me when the * stay at home mum* gets sympathy ...It was the best days of my life and still is even though mine is 18 ... I didn't have to ha'pennies to rub together and a single mother and I wouldn't change a day of it ...It is a blessing beyond belief to have children and raise them , watch every bit of progress and share moments that nothing will compare with ....

 

She is taking the p1ss out of you mate ..3 nights a week ..single people don't get to live it up that much.

[rosephase]

It always kinda bugs me when the * stay at home mum* gets sympathy ...It was the best days of my life and still is even though mine is 18 ... I didn't have to ha'pennies to rub together and a single mother and I wouldn't change a day of it ...It is a blessing beyond belief to have children and raise them , watch every bit of progress and share moments that nothing will compare with ....

 

She is taking the p1ss out of you mate ..3 nights a week ..single people don't get to live it up that much.

 

Not everyone feels the same way about being a stay at home mom. A lot of women believe they will feel the way you describe and then are lost in the way they actually feel.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm a childless adult and I would be dying if I was working 24/7/365 with only three evenings off a week. Most people get about 128 hours off a week. This lady gets about 18. I'm not saying she is handling it well. But I don't think 18 hours to yourself to be an adult is asking for to much. Just because she likes to sing and drink and be around other adults instead of a bath and a book doesn't make her a bad person.

[ThatwasThen]

Not everyone feels the same way about being a stay at home mom. A lot of women believe they will feel the way you describe and then are lost in the way they actually feel.

Granted but that doesn't mean they need to go out alone 3 nights out of five in order to no longer feel they have lost themselves.

 

She's a married mother who is acting single in my not so humble opinion.

[pippy longstocking]

Well maybe there are quite a few women who need to think it through before becoming a mum , and all this poor me , they need to try a slice of real life on their own .

 

I fully accept everyone needs to get out the house and mix with adults ..but not that many times .

 

It is about the choices you make for yourself in life ...when you make them accept them .

[CharlesC07]

First off, thank you all for your responses. This forum setting is a first time thing for me. In response to several of your replies- I do happen to know her friends very well and they are mostly the same people we hung with when dating. I do trust them. When it comes to child care it is a team effort. She watches the baby from 8 when she wakes up until 4 when I get home. Baby takes a 2 hour nap during the day, so she is mom and housekeeper for 6 hours. I get off work, usually make a quick errand/grocerie run for dinner on the way home and then basically take over watching baby 75/25 split between me and her. Its almost all me on the weekends because when I'm home that is her "break", so this "team effort" isn't always an even split. I know she's not a bad person, in fact she is one of the best people I've ever met, and I am still deeply in love with her. I'm here because this is something I know needs to be addressed and I'm having trouble figuring out how to go about it. Maybe I need to talk to someone and learn how to communicate better... Idk.

[rosephase]

Well maybe there are quite a few women who need to think it through before becoming a mum , and all this poor me , they need to try a slice of real life on their own .

 

I fully accept everyone needs to get out the house and mix with adults ..but not that many times .

 

It is about the choices you make for yourself in life ...when you make them accept them .

 

You don't have to tell me. I wouldn't touch being a mother with a 10 foot pole. But we don't teach women what being a mother is like. We don't warn them. I've seen many smart, capable, well informed women become mothers and drown in the role. Just because you loved it doesn't mean it's that way for everyone. Maybe three nights a week is what she needs so she can keep showing up for her kid? Maybe she is selfish and a terrible mother? Who knows. All I know is relationships work better when we focus on meeting our own needs instead of trying to control what we think our partners should and should not do. Approaching this woman with "hey a lot of mothers on the internet say you are going out to much and are terrible to me" is going to work a lot less well then "I love you, I miss you, I want more connection, can we work together to make that happen?"

 

Telling this woman she is a bad mother (which we have no idea if she is or isn't) is going to make her shut down and become defensive. Mothers are allowed to be people. Mothers are allowed to struggle with their new responsibilities. Almost all new parents hit some bumps. Coming to that conversation with love and open communication about needs will work better than coming to it in righteous anger because "how dare you take three whole evening to yourself each week".

[thealchemist]

First off, thank you all for your responses. This forum setting is a first time thing for me. In response to several of your replies- I do happen to know her friends very well and they are mostly the same people we hung with when dating. I do trust them. When it comes to child care it is a team effort. She watches the baby from 8 when she wakes up until 4 when I get home. Baby takes a 2 hour nap during the day, so she is mom and housekeeper for 6 hours. I get off work, usually make a quick errand/grocerie run for dinner on the way home and then basically take over watching baby 75/25 split between me and her. Its almost all me on the weekends because when I'm home that is her "break", so this "team effort" isn't always an even split. I know she's not a bad person, in fact she is one of the best people I've ever met, and I am still deeply in love with her. I'm here because this is something I know needs to be addressed and I'm having trouble figuring out how to go about it. Maybe I need to talk to someone and learn how to communicate better... Idk.

Well my wife is an awesome woman/wife/mother. She isn't a "natural" mom the way some people are. Being a stay at home father was easy for me. It isn't easy for my wife to be a stay at home mother.

 

I didn't like pippy's comments about how it was and should be easy. My wife is amazingly great and it wasn't easy for her. Luckily for us, we are married so one of us being weak in an area is fine when you are a team. I gave my wife a ton of time off from kids when she stayed at home because that is how much she needed.

 

OP. My wife and I both work 50 hour a week now. I do 90% of everything now, before she was pregnant it was like 75%. My wife still only gets 1 night a week out. You do a lot. It is great to give your wife breaks.

 

My issue is that you are giving a lot. Maybe too much. I work a lot to make sure we have time together more than I work for her to have time with friends. Your time with her is very important.

 

I would sit down with her and tell her that you feel like you aren't as close because she always hangs out with her friends and you don't have enough time as a couple. You just need to get her to understand that. If she doesn't care then you are in for a rough future. If she does then you can start trying to work on it together.

 

Either way. You can get the fastest answer by talking to her and telling her this. You just might not like the answer.

[pippy longstocking]

I didn't like pippy's comments about how it was and should be easy. My wife is amazingly great and it wasn't easy for her. Luckily for us, we are married so one of us being weak in an area is fine when you are a team. I gave my wife a ton of time off from kids when she stayed at home because that is how much she needed.

 

I don't believe I said it was easy !! Look mate he is the one moaning on a public forum about her

[j.man]

If it sucks that bad for her, offer to have her work and you'll take care of the kid during the day. See how that one flies. Might have to downsize but it beats her having to self medicate three nights a week.

 

Half-jokes aside, assuming the kid's tucked away (I'm aware there's no actual "off" switch), while it's not exactly conventional, I don't think it's the absolute worst thing that she goes out regularly if she's affording you the same opportunities to decompress. Though if you're coming home and she'd dumping the kid and duties onto you before then heading out for the night, that's certainly its own consideration.

 

How proactive have you been about trying to get your own date nights going again? For me, a lot of this rides on whether she's adamant about clubbing and karaoke 'til the wee hours without you or if you've become such a homebody yourself that she can't get her fix outside the house with you even if she wanted to. It sounds like if she can afford to go out that often, you spare the cash for a reputable sitter to have a regular night out yourselves.

[itsallgrand]

I'd feel neglected in your position too. There's nothing wrong with her going out with friends once in a while, but your arrangement sounds so unbalanced. She's acting more like a kid with a daytime babysitting job than a mom and wife.

She sounds lazy and spoiled, honestly.

She is not required to pull in an income yet only has responsibility for her own kid 6 hours a day?! Meanwhile you work, run the grocery errands, come home and take over childcare duties during the week and weekends so she can go to the bar and have time at home to herself?!

When do you get time to yourself- or is this a one way street?

 

I don't think she gets being a parent is 24/7 whether you work or not. She doesn't even work and she's acting hard done by for having to take care of her own kid 6 hours a day. It's laughable , I'm sorry. Maybe you've accommodated her too much because of the anxiety you mentioned?

[ThatwasThen]

You don't have to tell me. I wouldn't touch being a mother with a 10 foot pole. But we don't teach women what being a mother is like. We don't warn them. I've seen many smart, capable, well informed women become mothers and drown in the role. Just because you loved it doesn't mean it's that way for everyone. Maybe three nights a week is what she needs so she can keep showing up for her kid? Maybe she is selfish and a terrible mother? Who knows. All I know is relationships work better when we focus on meeting our own needs instead of trying to control what we think our partners should and should not do. Approaching this woman with "hey a lot of mothers on the internet say you are going out to much and are terrible to me" is going to work a lot less well then "I love you, I miss you, I want more connection, can we work together to make that happen?"

 

Telling this woman she is a bad mother (which we have no idea if she is or isn't) is going to make her shut down and become defensive. Mothers are allowed to be people. Mothers are allowed to struggle with their new responsibilities. Almost all new parents hit some bumps. Coming to that conversation with love and open communication about needs will work better than coming to it in righteous anger because "how dare you take three whole evening to yourself each week".

Not being a mother means you don't understand that MOST mothers wouldn't think of leaving their children more nights then they stay home. Even when they are needing Adult time. Most of us rely on our partner for that support and Adult time. Having separate interests is important in any relationship but leaving your husband home with the kids to go out single most nights of the week isn't copacetic to a long lasting union. She can certainly find herself without having to search so often. Many women would be telling a woman to leave a man that did that to her.

 

No one has asked him to go to her and tell her that strangers on the internet say she's a bad mother. Frankly, I think she is a bad wife more then she is a bad mother (if of course the kids are in bed before she leaves).

 

Anyway, I too think that we need to know if he's asking to go out with her and she's turning him down or he's just being farr toooo accommodating of her freedom by being the night babysitter.

[ThatwasThen]

First off, thank you all for your responses. This forum setting is a first time thing for me. In response to several of your replies- I do happen to know her friends very well and they are mostly the same people we hung with when dating. I do trust them. When it comes to child care it is a team effort. She watches the baby from 8 when she wakes up until 4 when I get home. Baby takes a 2 hour nap during the day, so she is mom and housekeeper for 6 hours. I get off work, usually make a quick errand/grocerie run for dinner on the way home and then basically take over watching baby 75/25 split between me and her. Its almost all me on the weekends because when I'm home that is her "break", so this "team effort" isn't always an even split. I know she's not a bad person, in fact she is one of the best people I've ever met, and I am still deeply in love with her. I'm here because this is something I know needs to be addressed and I'm having trouble figuring out how to go about it. Maybe I need to talk to someone and learn how to communicate better... Idk.

You tell her everything you told us and then you ask HER how you and her can reconcile the situation. Certainly and without having to say it, you don't need to tell her anything about this thread. Just take from it what resonates with you and leave the rest here.

[j.man]

I get off work, usually make a quick errand/grocerie run for dinner on the way home and then basically take over watching baby 75/25 split between me and her. Its almost all me on the weekends because when I'm home that is her "break", so this "team effort" isn't always an even split.

Completely missed this whole post, but these couple lines in particular get me.

 

I mean what does she think? You're heading to the spa for an 8-hour treatment every day? I have no doubt being a stay-at-home mother is some damn hard work when you're juggling the household duties and a kid with the attention span of a guinea pig, but I don't understand treating the dude like he's just off enjoying his cubicle retreat on facebook while his wife's spending 8 hours trying to carry the vacuum cleaner and full laundry basket around the house all while a a kid's hanging off her boob.

 

Granted, I've never been a mother. I've also never been anything other than the jobs I've worked. I think a couple owes it to each other not to make it a a p1ssing contest or a pity party and to avoid the whole resentment game by simply assuming you're each putting in the necessary and difficult work to support your child and household. That includes not pulling a 75/25 split and commandeering the weekends as your "break" because you somehow deserve it more.

[thealchemist]

I don't believe I said it was easy !! Look mate he is the one moaning on a public forum about her

He opened a forum to vent and ask questions. If he wants to moan about his wife then he can. We are here to help if we can. If you don't want to let people vent you don't have to read it.

 

I just disagree heavily with the idea that motherhood should come naturally to moms. My wife constantly beat herself up because so many woman like to shame anyone who doesn't just love every minute of being a mom to the core of their being.

 

It is unrealistic to put those standards of motherhood on all woman. There is nothing wrong with her needing time away from her child.

 

The only issue here is the imbalance between husband and wife in free time. I have been a stay at home father. It sucks to always be where you work. I did not however feel that it warranted me to get a lot more free time than my wife. I might have stayed home with my daughter for 9 hours but any given day was much less work than my job currently.

 

Just tell your wife that you can't maintain what she is requiring and work with her to rebalance it. That is all you can really do.

[ShatteredMan]

Find a babysitter and start dating your wife again.

[pippy longstocking]

He opened a forum to vent and ask questions. If he wants to moan about his wife then he can. We are here to help if we can. If you don't want to let people vent you don't have to read it.

I just disagree heavily with the idea that motherhood should come naturally to moms. My wife constantly beat herself up because so many woman like to shame anyone who doesn't just love every minute of being a mom to the core of their being.

 

It is unrealistic to put those standards of motherhood on all woman. There is nothing wrong with her needing time away from her child.

 

The only issue here is the imbalance between husband and wife in free time. I have been a stay at home father. It sucks to always be where you work. I did not however feel that it warranted me to get a lot more free time than my wife. I might have stayed home with my daughter for 9 hours but any given day was much less work than my job currently.

 

Just tell your wife that you can't maintain what she is requiring and work with her to rebalance it. That is all you can really do.

 

 

 

You are just continually saying things I didn't say ..get your glasses out mate cos I didn't say it was easy , or natural ...STOP trying to put words in my mouth....he came on ...said his problem and I answered my thoughts ...will you get over it and accept my opinion is exactly that ...mine and no amount of you changing what I wrote to suit yourself will sway me to think anything else .

[thealchemist]

Well maybe there are quite a few women who need to think it through before becoming a mum , and all this poor me , they need to try a slice of real life on their own .

 

I fully accept everyone needs to get out the house and mix with adults ..but not that many times .

 

It is about the choices you make for yourself in life ...when you make them accept them .

 

Implying some woman aren't "thinking it through" because they are complaining about being a parent while in a marriage is what I am talking about. So you "thought it through" much better than they did, that is why you are a single stay at home mom?

 

That implication is what I based my comments on. You have an air of superiority because you enjoyed it so much and did it as a single stay at home mom. That inherently is critical of woman who don't enjoy it as much. I am not putting words into your mouth.

 

My wife is one of those woman who had to "think it through" before becoming a mom. That is the criticism I was talking about. Luckily for my wife "thinking it out" is fine, because she chose a very dedicated husband who will do whatever he can. She doesn't ever have to "try a slice of real life" on her own because unless I am dead she will not have to.

 

You are just blatantly vehement towards a stay at home mother that chose a spouse well enough that she doesn't have to worry about him not being there.

 

This woman staying out three times a week is not the issue that needs to be addressed. If she needs to stay out 5 times a week to keep her sanity that is what she needs. You can't just tell someone what is too much or little for them.

 

They just need to reassess the balance of her actions. Find a way to maintain closeness with each other and give her time out of the house. Give the husband something to counterbalance her needing a lot of time without kids.

 

Just saying "3 nights is too much" is just you applying your standards on another. Try to comprise with her, don't just tell her she is being excessive.

[abitbroken]

So....the weekends are her "break" to do as she pleases without the kid and she also goes out late to karoake 3 nights a week. You have date nights twice a month.

 

So your job is to go to an office or workplace and be the breadwinner and her job during the day is caring for your toddler and managing the house. But when the quitting bell rings - its not family time -- its time for her to kick up her heels and go out on the town. Do YOU ever go get to have a beer with a guy friend to catch up with him or whatever you do -- go shoot some hoops or go drown a few worms? At least once every other week or every three weeks NO? Because the weekends are "her breaks" and she is out 3 nights out of 5 during the week whooping it up?

 

If those people that she goes to the bar with are all YOUR friends too and you used to go with her, next week, say "you know what...its MY turn to go out with our friends that i haven't seen in months. I am going to go to karoake tonight!" And go! That might solve the problem.

 

And by the way -- if is closing the bar and you have to get up at 5:30-6 am to go to work - how can you get the sleep you need either to bring home the bacon if you are the type of person not to be able to rest until she is home?

 

Like i say, its not like she isn't entitled to go out ---- but once in a blue moon - you should also. And if she whines - she needs to suck it up.

 

You would think as soon as the child was down for bed at 8 pm or whatever -- it would be couple time

[abitbroken]

Oh and P.S> if YOU go out with your friends once in awhile just like she gets to do 3 nights a week, but even if you go once every three weeks, she can no longer use those friends to complain and snark about you because it just might get back to you. I am not saying thats what she is doing - but if she has created a situation where all of those mutual friends of yours are only seen by her and you never get to go -- it will prevent that group of people from becoming a sounding board for that.

[Seraphim]

Wow ,I didn't get any semblance of a social life back until my son was 15 .😳 Three nights a week to go out seems excessive . I don't even do that and my son is grown-up . I might go out three times in one week but then not go out for maybe three weeks in a row . I try to balance time with my husband and time with my friends and time with my child . Anything out of balance is not really good .

[pippy longstocking]

Implying some woman aren't "thinking it through" because they are complaining about being a parent while in a marriage is what I am talking about. So you "thought it through" much better than they did, that is why you are a single stay at home mom?

 

That implication is what I based my comments on. You have an air of superiority because you enjoyed it so much and did it as a single stay at home mom. That inherently is critical of woman who don't enjoy it as much. I am not putting words into your mouth.

 

My wife is one of those woman who had to "think it through" before becoming a mom. That is the criticism I was talking about. Luckily for my wife "thinking it out" is fine, because she chose a very dedicated husband who will do whatever he can. She doesn't ever have to "try a slice of real life" on her own because unless I am dead she will not have to.

 

You are just blatantly vehement towards a stay at home mother that chose a spouse well enough that she doesn't have to worry about him not being there.

 

This woman staying out three times a week is not the issue that needs to be addressed. If she needs to stay out 5 times a week to keep her sanity that is what she needs. You can't just tell someone what is too much or little for them.

 

They just need to reassess the balance of her actions. Find a way to maintain closeness with each other and give her time out of the house. Give the husband something to counterbalance her needing a lot of time without kids.

 

Just saying "3 nights is too much" is just you applying your standards on another. Try to comprise with her, don't just tell her she is being excessive.

 

oh my god are you still going on ...everything you have written is absolute crap and I have never in all my days on here read anyone turn my words so much to suit themselves that I am dumbfounded by your ignorance ....

 

his post was about her going out 3 times a week ...doh ..... I wont be back on this post , so you carry on in fantasy land with your assumptions . * eye roll