Impulsive Husband or Unsupportive Wife?

[Hm1357]

Hi all. It's been a while since I posted but I'm kind of stuck.

 

I've had a rough first year of marriage. If you read my other post, you'll get the gist of why. Now I'm trying to determine if our other issues are me being petty, bitter, selfish - or if he is the selfish one.

 

Here is our latest issue - I'll give some background to set the stage. For about two years, I've been in a job with extensive travels 8 months out of the year. During these months, I'll be gone Monday through Friday 2-3 weeks out of the month, and some weekends too. It's been hard on me to be away from home so much and it's hard on him to hold down the fort (take care of our dogs while he works and goes to trade school) while I'm away. I also did not get a choice when I was moved to this job - the job I first accepted was dedicated to local clients without travel. Then, my department was downsizing and I was pushed into the same role, dedicated to a national client which requires the travel. However, I do like the job and it's in my field so I am doing it until I can move up in the company, which I am currently working on. It's been stressful for me to try to find something else sooner than later because I know my husband wants me home to be able to take care of our dogs so that he can do his own thing. As a side note, my dogs are like my kids and it kills me to be away from them so much. I feel like a bad dog mom.

 

As I mentioned, my husband is in trade school while he also works at a restaurant. Additionally, he just started his own business of his trade so now while I am home, he usually isn't. I'm frustrated with his frequent impulses and the way he constantly changes his mind. However, he's young and in need to keep that in mind and *attempt* to support him. Before he decided to go to school, he wanted to start his own restaurant. He eventually tired of that idea. After that, he wanted to work for a contractor and learn how to build homes, but that fell through. Then, he started school and was doing incredibly well and out of the blue, he wanted to quit and join a union which irked me at the time because I was hoping he would just finish what he started and get on with his career. He was angry that I didn't support that and I was turned off by the idea of him quitting something. He ended up staying in school because he missed the test to get into the union due to our disagreements on the topic. A few months later, he decided to start a business in his trade which I was a little leery of at first, because I was worried about having a stable family income when our plans are to buy a house in the near future. Anyways, his business blew up so quickly that now he's got no free time and has lots of customers already. I'm happy for him, and I can easily be supportive of it after seeing that he is a fully capable business man. However, things in general are difficult for me right now because I feel should probably be working on our marriage right now and we don't exactly have the time to do that.

 

Today, he asked how I'd feel if he went to Houston to do work down there when he's done with school. Now, before I sound awful - he would not be going there to help restore out of the goodness of his heart, he's interested in "making a lot of money." My response wasn't the super supportive jumping-for-joy wife that he wanted. (He also asked if I would move to Texas and I don't even need to think twice about that - I would never consider moving to Texas) So, his intention would be to travel back and forth for work for an undetermined amount of time. I asked him why he doesn't want to stay and grow his business here, especially after it took off within a month and he would make a great income if it were to keep up at this rate. He said there's more money to be had there and it's a great opportunity, and that's what you do when you work a business. Ok? How is working across the country going too help you here? We are doing well financially, but I guess he wants more. I'm frustrated because I've spent 2 years feeling guilty for being gone so much and he and our marriage are part of the reason I hope to have a new job soon - then he's telling me he wants to go to Texas? I don't get it. BUT i said to him, "I'm not going to be a hypocrite because i travel too but I'm also not jumping up and down about the idea".. so now he's mad that I wasn't super supportive and I still have a lot more on my mind than I communicated.

 

I have a few issues I guess - I'm holding onto resentments (again, you'll see why if you want to read my last post) and I'm not being as communicative as I should be and that's because I'm not sure at this point if I want to go back to counseling once again. I think I want to go back for myself before/if we go back as a couple but I've not forgiven him for the last stunt he pulled and now I'm just not being the loving, caring wife I want to be. I'm also a bit depressed lately and feel like I'm losing myself trying to be happy in this still-new marriage. I don't know how hard marriage "should" be so I'm having trouble deciding what to do next. We've had our fair share of issues or I wouldn't be so troubled over this otherwise, but in attempt to stick to the issue at hand, should I work more on myself and be more supportive or would his impulsivity be bothersome to anyone? Again, he's impulsive in many aspects beyond his career.

 

Thanks for your responses in advance.

[Lester]

Impulsive, supportive are only symptoms of the problem.

 

Gone, approximately 24 weeks out of the year, including many weekends?

No marriage can survive that for long.

[Batya33]

I think his idea of capitalizing on peoples' suffering is mostly a pipe dream (or a scammer's dream) but also very risky health-wise (including what he'd bring home to you -if he's going there to help the relief effort I'm sure they'd train him in safety protocols/provide protective gear as needed. Maybe I'm not making sense because his idea makes my stomach churn a bit and it's early.

 

I think he's thinking mostly of himself and money and that level of travel for that reason -no good.

[j.man]

I'm not sure it's quite as cold as capitalizing on people's suffering. But that depends if he's planning on loading a truck up with pallets of water bottles and selling them for $5 a piece down there or if he's simply wanting to get in on the abundance of infrastructural work to bid on.

 

Unfortunately, as acknowledged by your position of not wanting to be a hypocrite, yourself having been traveling extensively for work you enjoy over the past couple years, you're not exactly in the best position to tell him he can't. That's not to say a marriage is meant to function with you two marking tallies on the board to make sure you're matching up on every bit of give-and-take, but resentment is what it is, and I think it'd be inevitable if you denied him this opportunity, particularly as you admit he missed out on the labor union opportunity due to your disagreement.

 

To piggyback off Lester's comment, the marriage seems to have been founded on some incredibly shaky grounds with your temporary but evidently not-so-temporary job situation and him still struggling to find his professional medium. Ideally, you two shouldn't have tied the knot until both your ends were resolved. I'd consider it far too murky for any of us to offer any black, white, or gray advice. I think the only way this survives is if you both sit with a marriage counselor and come up with a plan for both of you that doesn't result in resentment.

[Batya33]

Yes jman I agree that it depends what he is thinking of doing down there. Too impulsive a reaction on my part!

[Iggy5129]

I read your other threads and I have to ask why you even married this guy? You're completely disconnected from each other and don't work as a team. He's young and selfish. You seem a bit more mature and wanting a man who will be your partner in life. It doesn't seem this guy is it.

 

I think he got married too young. 24 is very young for a man to get married. It seems you latched on to the first guy that would marry you and didn't really think if he was a good long term partner. I would be reconsidering this marriage if I was you.

[Hm1357]

I would agree with you jman in that we are both resentful and I would say we do need to go back to counseling if it's going to work. I guess I'm just tired and a little downtrodden right now.

[Andrina]

Sometimes a person seeks out a partner with qualities that are missing within themselves. He was probably attracted to you because of your stability. You were probably attracted to him because he's exciting and adventurous. The problem is that eventually you realize that he is like one of those people who will want to follow that gold, kind of like get-rich-quick ventures, which leaves you feeling like the floor will drop out from beneath you. He doesn't have to worry about the floor dropping, because he feels secure that you will always hold down the fort. Although, his beef with you is that you pooh pooh his quest for the treasure.

 

In my experience, the people I've known have had the same work ethic from the get-go. Whatever it was in their late teens continued on that way and never wavered. You are assuming this is a youthful phase for him and it'll pass. This is a mistake.

 

Loving someone is only one part of being in a successful relationship. Only you can decide if the good outweighs the bad, and if so, see if he will work with you on coming up with a plan to improve your marriage.

 

On the other hand, perhaps you didn't have enough life experience to choose the right partner and might consider ending things. When you've tried everything to make it better and it hasn't happened, don't feel like you have to be locked into something that never should have been. You only have one precious life and there are no do-overs. Never settle.

[Hm1357]

Iggy - yes we are disconnected. And I agree with you in that he may have been too young and immature for a solid life partner and that makes me sad. I didn't marry the first guy who wanted to marry me, but I may have been tired of dating. I've dated plenty and most of them talked about marriage and I broke most of those relationships off for one reason or another. Admittedly, I don't have the best record of choosing men. This time around though I've been counseled for my codependent tendencies yet I guess I was just hoping he would grow up. Now I'm not sure if I'm willing to wait to find out. I'm stuck at deciding to try harder or knowing when to walk away. I think I need to go back to my counselor.

 

He's a good, sweet person and I was trying to hold on to his better qualities but I am definitely walking around under a dark cloud of right now.

 

Thanks for your comments.

[Hm1357]

Thanks for this insight Andrina. I think you're spot on and I have to figure out if the good outweighs the bad.

[lostandhurt]

What are your life goals? Do you two have dreams? What are they besides buying a house?

 

I agree he may be searching for his place in this world and changes his mind frequently but he has shown initiative and willing to work long hours so that is very good.

 

This kind of seems like a role reversal to me. You travel and are gone all the time and want your man at home and available when you are. Sounds like back in the day when men expected the same thing...

 

I don't get what you are upset about really because you are never home so why is it such a big deal if he goes to Texas to seek his fortune? Hire a good dog sitter, work out some sort of schedule so you can see each other on a regular basis and try and make this work.

 

Other than that split up, hire a dog sitter since you will still be traveling all the time still and let him go seek his fortune in Texas.

 

I think your lack of support is based in some selfishness. You want him home taking care of the dogs so you don't feel as guilty and also want him home when you have time for him. Think about it.

 

I agree with Lester that this marriage is looking at serious trouble. They are hard enough without all this time apart and lack of shared dreams.

 

Good luck

Lost

[DancingFool]

Have to agree with lostandhurt here. I'm confused with why you are taking such an issue with him heading to Texas for work. If he has a skilled trade and I'd assume construction related, there is a huge need for that there. It makes sense to go and do what needs to be done. Especially starting out in life and starting out in business. He'll gain more real life practical experience there in months then he ever could in 5 years locally. To repair all the damage, skilled trades will be in desperate demand. Not like he is going down there on a whim to price gauge people by selling a bottle of water for $100.

 

I'm sorry but I think you do have a bit of hypocritical attitude toward your husband. It's like you want a housewife to stay home and dog sit for you and when he wants to go do what's worthwhile or makes sense to him, you stand in his way.

 

Honestly, I think deep down you know that your marriage is on shaky grounds and that you and him are disconnected. However, you are not going to reconnect unless you start talking with each other and acting like an actual team. As suggested above, get dog sitting, work out a plan to go down and be with him, etc. I also think that you and him need to have a very honest heart to heart conversation about the state of your marriage, how you both want the marriage to be and most important have some kind of a solid plan for what you both wish to accomplish together in 2 years, 3, 5 years, etc. Don't be vague like saving up to buy a house. Be more specific in terms of when, where, what for, etc. Don't just buy a house because it's the thing to do. Consider things too like is it your forever house - you'll live in it, raise kids in it, pay it off and retire in it, OR temporary investment type. You'll buy it, maybe fix it up, in a few years, sell it and move on. You need to have some serious conversations about how BOTH of you envision your future together and what you want out of it. Does your vision and his even line up?

[mustlovedogs]

I don't see why you can be upset with him for being away when you have been away so long.

 

He should be allowed to blossom his career just as you have been.

[Hm1357]

I guess because I've been trying to find another position in my field that doesn't involve travel and there was a light at the end of the tunnel of all of the distance between us and we already need to work on our marriage. But I also need to communicate that if I want to work on things. I'm hoping to have a new job before the next travel season begins, which is right around the time he graduates. I'm also a little confused by him wanting to do this when he's been distraught by all of my travel. But you're right, maybe I am being a little selfish. I have however suggested getting a dog walker or boarding the dogs when I'm away and he doesn't want to do that, because he says he's capable of it himself but then he does get resentful of taking care of things. We wouldn't have a choice if I am still traveling and he leaves too.

 

Trust me, I don't want him to be a house wife and that's a little humorous to me. I want to be done traveling because I love being home to take care of things. I enjoy responsibility. I also want more stability out of a marriage I'm not sure if it will be found in this one. Which is what I'm trying to figure out. I'm just running in circles in my own head.

 

Like I said, this is probably the least of our troubles and I could be overreacting. Maybe I'm blowing it up because I'm already on rocky grounds with him.

[DancingFool]

I don't think you can ask a person at 24 to provide you with the stability of a 50 year old. It's just not a stable time in life for anyone.

 

Even in your 30's, when I look around at some of my friends and their marriages, he or she travels 2 hours to work and 2 hours back, or away weeks at a time. However, their marriages are solid because they aren't looking at things with a short term view of "omg you will be gone and I'll be alone" or "It's about me and what I like to do." Instead they are looking at things and making decisions as a couple, such as it will be hard in the short term to spend that much time apart, but there is a purpose - saving up funds because they are planning on having a child and so in case things go bad, difficult pregnancy, she has to stop working, etc, etc, etc. Covering the what if's. Basically, they are doing what they are doing with a mutual goal in mind. They actually have a clear path ahead of them and that keeps things calm.

 

That's why I'm encouraging you to actually talk to each other in concrete terms. Come up with goals and plans for yourselves.

[lostandhurt]

What is your age? I am curious.

 

So you sleep in different rooms, hardly see each other, have different views on finances and a myriad of other issues on top of all the time away from each other.

 

Tell me again why you got married? There had to be some good reasons other than we love each other.

 

Lost

[abitbroken]

I think you have little room to talk because you are never home! If you are gone monday through friday three weeks out of the month and you are a weekend wife and its just him and the dogs most of the time -- and yet you balk at him traveling for work?? If you travel like you do, does it matter where you live? Why not move down to Texas for awhile with your husband. It will be no different to you - except where you go home on the weekends. And then move back at a certain time.

 

If people and businesses are hiring skilled tradespeople to do certain work, he is not capitalizing on suffering. He is not walking up to the houses of little old ladies and scamming them. There is a legit need for companies to hire people. Not everything can be done on a volunteer basis and building codes need to be adhered to.

 

My parents moved several times following work. That is just how life goes.

 

As far as your job, you say you have no choice but to travel. if you were not happy with national travel, you could start looking for another job that will keep you home or move you somewhere you and your husband would both agree to go.

 

You ask if your husband was impulsive? He found out that the restaurant business was not for him - so he got out of it. better then instead of after he actually opened a restaurant. Sometimes it takes someone a little bit to find themselves and it sounds like he did. The fact that he missed the test because you were arguing and disagreeing - shame on you! You should not have raised a stink about your husband not finishing something and then preventing him from finishing something.

 

If you were actually HOME i think you could have more say in your husband's business but since he doesn't really live with you three weeks out of the month, i think you have some input, but very little.

 

If there is way more money and steady work to be made somewhere else, your husband is thinking about your future too. If you want your husband to not do what's best financially, and this is the time in his life to do such things since there are no kids yet, then you need to be more of a partner here and actually spend physical face time with your husband.

[plasmajam]

I came to realize that I was playing a "-for-tat" game with my wife. She is capable, skill-wise, to make as much money as I do, but prefers to work in a "mom and pop" type of environment for less than one third of the salary than if she worked for a big name company (like she did when we were married). I began to get resentful that I had to work overtime at my job to pay our bills...while she insisted on the most expensive cable, TV, internet and cell phone packages. She bought an iPhone, along with a MacBook Pro with all the bells and whistles and has used it less than a day. She ordered online items (by the hundreds) to the point where everyday was like Christmas for her...packages arrived just about every day of the week. She decided that working two days a week would be about her speed and I couldn't discuss the financial repercussions of her choice without her playing the tearful victim and me admitting I was an uncaring jerk. I was pawning stuff and getting loans from my parents while she seemed oblivious to my agony. Well, I guess I paid her back for that by becoming more and more distant and unfeeling. I didn't want to be that way, but I justified becoming a penny pincher because of her work ethic...I see that a bit clearer, now.

I guess my point is, your husband's idea to go to Texas may be driven by a resentment he has towards you and your career choice. If I may...I would probably suspect that there is a translation to your husband's impulse to go to Texas and I imagine it may come across as this: "I've been frustrated by you being gone because your career demands travelling most of the time and I''m not buying it that you can't work closer to home...It is YOUR CHOICE to be away from me, so don't blame it on your career. NOW, we'll see how YOU like it when the tables are turned and I am gone. After I get back from Texas...then, for sure you will understand how lonely I was while you were "working", far, far away from me in a job where NO ONE could have helped you with the distances involved?...even temporarily? Did you tell your boss of the hardship? Your job must have some kind of employee assistance program to give some relief to your family and to manage your travel requirements to LESS THAN you being gone up to seventy-five percent of the time."

To me he is saying, "I've been alone and suffering without you. Let's see how you like it?"

Yes, get to counseling. Find a counselor whom you both like. If I am correct about this "-for-tat" scenario, it must be resolved and resentments laid to rest.

"Being apart ain't easy on this love affair"-Journey

"Resentments are the biggest killer"-Anonymous

[IAmFCA]

Iggy - yes we are disconnected. And I agree with you in that he may have been too young and immature for a solid life partner and that makes me sad. I didn't marry the first guy who wanted to marry me, but I may have been tired of dating. I've dated plenty and most of them talked about marriage and I broke most of those relationships off for one reason or another. Admittedly, I don't have the best record of choosing men. This time around though I've been counseled for my codependent tendencies yet I guess I was just hoping he would grow up. Now I'm not sure if I'm willing to wait to find out. I'm stuck at deciding to try harder or knowing when to walk away. I think I need to go back to my counselor.

 

He's a good, sweet person and I was trying to hold on to his better qualities but I am definitely walking around under a dark cloud of right now.

 

Thanks for your comments.

 

I was you. My marriage, my habits of speech, my travel and his, etc.

 

I challenge you to say the above paragraph differently so that you are talking only about yourself.

 

The great challenge of love is that it requires us to accept one another as the dynamic changling that we each are. It may help if you see that Our flaws are also our strengths and vice versa. It may help to look inside yourself and realize that are enough. It is okay to let him see you, love you. You will find appropriate boundaries at each level of intimacy so that it doesn't feel intrusive or threatening.

 

If this marriage is over, I can't say. Use this time to accept what is within and around you, and reassess from there.

[IAmFCA]

I was you. My marriage, my habits of speech, my travel and his, etc.

 

I challenge you to say the above paragraph differently so that you are talking only about yourself.

 

The great challenge of love is that it requires us to accept one another as the dynamic changling that we each are. It may help if you see that Our flaws are also our strengths and vice versa. It may help to look inside yourself and realize that are enough. It is okay to let him see you, love you. You will find appropriate boundaries at each level of intimacy so that it doesn't feel intrusive or threatening.

 

If this marriage is over, I can't say. Use this time to accept what is within and around you, and reassess from there.

 

 

Adding... when I was encouraged to see my situation clearly and accept it, I couldn't. I tried, I saw, I denied, I filtered. I said at one time, If I accept that, then I am accepting something I can not accept.

 

I knew if I saw my husband clearly and plainly, that I would choose to end our marriage. Which eventually I did - and he did too. We were not well matched and did not intend to do the work necessary to become a better match. We each are happier now. May as well have looked bravely at the truth when it was first presented.