dilemma over inviting sisters partner to wedding

[pippy longstocking]

I think we have all possibly missed this

 

I don't want to be asked questions and put in an uncomfortable position, as I am still struggling with fully accepting her relationship

 

It is not just about the op's family it is about the op herself , so we are all saying bugger everyone and their thoughts but maybe it is the op who is the problem not the guests .

[Springs]

thanks for everyone's comments you are all entitled to your opinion. I feel I am entitled to mine also, and think it has been overlooked just how conservative not just my, but my future husbands family also are. I think we all know that the only world is still not a fair place for same sex couples. I wish it were different and admit that perhaps it's very cowardly of me to fear the certain scandal that will happen if I invite her partner. There's no easy option for me here. I do not want to hurt my sister or her partner, but I also don't want my wedding day to be full of worry. This may sound very harsh, but I live in a catholic, rural society and we are not in a progressive city and this is the reality

[nutbrownhare]

It sounds as though you've already made up your mind!

 

Though you could ponder the following...

 

I used to live near an Irish Catholic family - as you say, from a rural deeply traditional background. I was very close to the youngest son, who was artistic and musical and wanted to continue his education beyond minimum school leaving age; this was very much against the culture of his family and their friends. He was also gay, and I was the first person he came out to apart from his partner and their circle of friends.

 

His mother was rampantly homophobic, describing homosexuals as the spawn of the Devil, all that... until she gradually realised that her son was gay. He told me he thought she suspected something because she would put her head on one side and say "Ah, but aren't we all God's creatures..." and when he finally shared the truth about his sexuality, she had no problem with it.

 

One of my nephews is gay. All the family members who are fine with people's sexuality regardless spotted it years ago, but he finally came out to his homophobic, racist, sexist father last year. My brother (his father) has been involved in " bashing" in the past, but even HE took the view that his son was still his son and that was what was important.

 

What I'm saying really is that you may find that the relatives on both sides are not as closed-minded as you fear... at least, not necessarily all of them.

[Springs]

I totally understand why you mean, and you're right that some people will be fine about it. However, some won't - trust me- especially not my fiancés family, and I just feel that as it's my wedding day, should I have to deal with all that on top of everything else?This is a horrible position to be in as I'm really not a bad person and do not like to go around offending and hurting people I love. Under the circumstances, with it being my wedding day, this is why I struggle with it. I genuinely feel like crap right now and think I am just either going to have to suffer on what should be the happiest day of my life, or sacrifice my happiness to not offend them

[SherrySher]

Do you know what amazes me about you and people who think like you...you're making it sound as though gay people have a choice and like they are choosing to want a partner of the same sex.

 

They were born this way and there was no choice, just as you had no choice over what color your hair is or your eyes are. Would you want to be hated or not invited because everyone at the wedding has brown hair and omg, you have grey and no one with grey hair is okay or can be accepted as okay, even if they can't help it?

 

So what do you want? You'd prefer that your sister pretend to not be who she is? Pretend to not have a partner whom she loves and loves her? Would you like it if this was being done to you and your finacee?

 

You do not need to hate something you do not understand. You do not need to judge something you are not. And you do not need to condone those that do so.

[pippy longstocking]

thanks for everyone's comments you are all entitled to your opinion. I feel I am entitled to mine also, and think it has been overlooked just how conservative not just my, but my future husbands family also are. I think we all know that the only world is still not a fair place for same sex couples. I wish it were different and admit that perhaps it's very cowardly of me to fear the certain scandal that will happen if I invite her partner. There's no easy option for me here. I do not want to hurt my sister or her partner, but I also don't want my wedding day to be full of worry. This may sound very harsh, but I live in a catholic, rural society and we are not in a progressive city and this is the reality

 

No judgement from me darling , I hope one day the WHOLE world will just be ....one love ...... I am going to show my daughter this thread though , I want her to see the reality of life and what she may encounter on her journey .

[Springs]

I think you people who are being so nasty should actually read what I have written. "People like me". I've literally broken my heart about this

[SherrySher]

We did read it, but you can't shut the doors on people who are gay and say it might be too much of a problem for you or others, then try to color it a pretty color and smile and see if others will tell you it's okay.

 

This is 2017, it's not okay. You want your love for your fiancee to be respected and accepted, and your sister should be no different.

[boltnrun]

How do you propose to tell your sister the woman she loves is not invited?

[Batya33]

The answer is yes, in marriage we do have to make huge sacrifices and this sacrifice has to do with the reception - the party to celebrate the wedding. I seriously doubt anyone would want you to feel any stress or discomfort while you take your marriage vows. Yes, people may talk, be shocked, act rudely - and they may do that anyway whether your sister comes or not. You don't have to have a reception to celebrate your wedding but you chose to and this is one of the downsides -guests who might not get along and play nicely in the sandbox. It is "your day" and you have chosen to share "your day" with a large number of people. I've been at two weddings where people were injured during one of the first dances so the action stopped, ambulances had to be called ,etc - stuff happens.

 

Do you want your sister to be there for you to support your marriage? To get to know future nieces or nephews if you choose to be parents?

 

Another option is tell the people who will be the most uncomfortable in advance that your sister is coming and that the partner she is bringing is a woman. That way there won't be that level of shock, people can prepare.

 

You assume people don't understand -I can relate because my sister was not allowed to be my matron of honor at a wedding I planned 20 years ago because at that time she was married to a religious man who forbade her from entering the religious location we had chosen -we would have had to exchanged our vows on non-religious property to have her attend. And I was going to do that, unhappily so she could be by my side. And then the engagement ended (and when I married the same man over 10 years later, thankfully that religious husband was out of the picture). So yes it was "my day" in one way and not in another.

 

You're going to have to lower your expectations about this whole "my day" thing. The wedding vows -yes -that is you and your future husband's special, singular, joyous moment in time - that is all about you two and no one should interfere in any way! The rest is a party that has been so hyped up with this whole "my day" Pinterest and social media silliness (and the same kind of silliness pre-social media although I venture to say it's gotten worse) - it might be "your day" but your day will not translate into a long term happy healthy marriage unless you start it with recognizing it takes a village of supportive family and friends to help a marriage and future family thrive.

[mustlovedogs]

I've seen many of my female friends bring female friends to weddings. No one will ask. And if anyone is bored enough to pay attention to what everyone else is doing at your wedding, you're not throwing a very good party

 

In all seriousness. Most people won't notice and if they do, that's their problem.

[pippy longstocking]

I totally understand people love a gossip. But I am from such a traditional background and I honestly would feel really uncomfortable about her being there on the day as I know people would probably put 2 and 2 together. Is it really unreasonable that I ask this? It's only one day for her but the most important day of my life for me.

 

sorry for being picky here , but your father is an alcoholic and has been all your life , he is depressed from sexual abuse and you wanted to cut him off from your life but love him to much ....so I am so shocked at how you describe this traditional family you don't want to hurt .

[Springs]

Who is the one making assumptions and passing judgement now? Just because someone is an alcoholic they are not conservative? Did I ever say I didn't love my sister? Please think before you write some things, as you have really hurt me.

[mustlovedogs]

Who is the one making assumptions and passing judgement now? Just because someone is an alcoholic they are not conservative? Did I ever say I didn't love my sister? Please think before you write some things, as you have really hurt me.

 

I think pippy's point is you are passing judgement on your sister but no one else.

[Springs]

I wonder if that is the case then why can't Pippy say that, instead of prying into my previous posts and bringing up painful things using things against me. I came her for some advice, youve all made your point. I guess it's difficult if you haven't been in my shoes

[mustlovedogs]

I wonder if that is the case then why can't Pippy say that, instead of prying into my previous posts and bringing up painful things using things against me. I came her for some advice, youve all made your point. I guess it's difficult if you haven't been in my shoes

 

It's not prying on prior posts. It's good background information.

 

The advice has been given, so what do you think of it?

[SherrySher]

It's called..."people who lives in glass houses should not throw stones"

[Springs]

Good background information? How is that relevant at all? I would never pick something painful out of someone's previous posts. The judgement is completely oozing out of her comment. I've thanked you all for your opinions and already explained what I think

[Springs]

I'm really confused, is my my fault my father had addictions?

[mustlovedogs]

I'm really confused, is my my fault my father had addictions?

 

Likewise, is it your fault your sister is a lesbian?

[Springs]

I never said it was! You guys seem to think I am ashamed of my sister and do not accept her. I have clearly stated that my future in laws and extended family are the reason I am cautious. Ive tried to explain the context of my environment and religious background. The fact my dad is an alcoholic is completely irrelevant and unfair to to bring to the conversation. Ihope I can have the conversation with my partners family and my friends etc about my sisters sexuality, but I don't think that my wedding is the occasion for her to come out. This seems to have turned into everyone bashing on me for being homophobic, and I have never said anything here to suggest that. i can see a lot of people disagree and all I can do is thank you for your input, and I will bear it in mind when making this difficult decision. Perhaps if you were all in my shoes you may not think it is so easy either.

[mustlovedogs]

My sister is a lesbian and my extended family is homophobic. But my sister is more important than their backwards opinions.

 

So yeah. I can relate.

[SherrySher]

At this point, lady, I think you should just elope. Not kidding.

[Dahl]

I would feel like it would be her way of coming out, when really it's my big day.

I don't want to be asked questions and put in an uncomfortable position

 

I am still struggling with fully accepting her relationship.

 

I know this will hurt my sister and her partner

 

Here's my concern as to your 'difficulty' - how special will your day really be after you choose to hurt your sister and her partner to maximize the 'you-ness' of your reception?

[Starlight925]

Have you talked to your sister about this? Or anyone else in your life, i.e. your fiancé?

 

This is a difficult predicament, and I do understand. You don't want your special day to be upstaged by gossip. I get it. Maybe your sister will get it too? Maybe your sister will say, oh my gosh, I totally get it, I want the focus to be on you. Maybe she'll surprise you? How close are you to your sister's partner? Maybe she'll understand too?