dilemma over inviting sisters partner to wedding

[Snny]

I wish it were different and admit that perhaps it's very cowardly of me to fear the certain scandal that will happen if I invite her partner. There's no easy option for me here. I do not want to hurt my sister or her partner, but I also don't want my wedding day to be full of worry. This may sound very harsh, but I live in a catholic, rural society and we are not in a progressive city and this is the reality

I live in a rural area that is predominantly Catholic. I got married in a small historic town. I get the stigma, but NO ONE with ANY sense of respect is going to start making anti-homosexual or unwelcoming comments at your wedding- Especially at the person who is a sibling of the bride. Adults know what is and isn't appropriate behavior in a formal setting.

 

You're still turning this whole situation into a mountain from a molehill. You need to worry about planning your wedding, the expenses that come with it, looking so darn pretty with your new husband, AND making sure your guests have a good time (this includes inviting SOs). You are stressing yourself out over micromanaging your guests, overreacting over what people will/may not say and their behavior- and as someone posted here, it's bridezilla move to be so hyperconcerned about it. Don't even go there.

 

If anything, you should be standing up for your sister as she AND her partner will be standing up for YOUR marriage. Grow a thick skin here if people are going to shame her AND you. If anyone starts crap I'd tell them to knock it the hell off.

[journeynow]

our immediate family is supportive of the relationship, but wider family and friends don't know

 

I wish the world and people weren't so backward in their thinking, but the truth is I know there will be people talking if my sister comes with her partner. As family and friends don't know, I would feel like it would be her way of coming out, when really it's my big day. I don't want to be asked questions and put in an uncomfortable position, as I am still struggling with fully accepting her relationship. I know this will hurt my sister and her partner and that's not my intention at all. I just don't want to have them together as a couple at my wedding and having that be the first time most family will find out, and have that be the 'scandal'. How do I deal with this?

 

However I find it really difficult to be open about this with my friends and just feel that if she were to come, I would have to acknowledge it and would know that people would know. I don't know if that makes sense. It's such a mess!

 

I totally understand why you mean, and you're right that some people will be fine about it. However, some won't - trust me- especially not my fiancés family, and I just feel that as it's my wedding day, should I have to deal with all that on top of everything else?This is a horrible position to be in as I'm really not a bad person and do not like to go around offending and hurting people I love. Under the circumstances, with it being my wedding day, this is why I struggle with it. I genuinely feel like crap right now and think I am just either going to have to suffer on what should be the happiest day of my life, or sacrifice my happiness to not offend them

 

I never said it was! You guys seem to think I am ashamed of my sister and do not accept her. I have clearly stated that my future in laws and extended family are the reason I am cautious. Ive tried to explain the context of my environment and religious background. The fact my dad is an alcoholic is completely irrelevant and unfair to to bring to the conversation. Ihope I can have the conversation with my partners family and my friends etc about my sisters sexuality, but I don't think that my wedding is the occasion for her to come out. This seems to have turned into everyone bashing on me for being homophobic, and I have never said anything here to suggest that. i can see a lot of people disagree and all I can do is thank you for your input, and I will bear it in mind when making this difficult decision. Perhaps if you were all in my shoes you may not think it is so easy either.

 

Springs, do you feel you would be put on the spot at your wedding, having to answer questions? You don't have to answer questions, other than the one where you answer "I do." Deflect or ignore rude questions from others.

 

Here is what I hear you saying: Your family supports her. You care about her.

 

Try to step back and see the bigger picture, a bigger perspective. Very simply, WHO do you want to support, your sister or people who don't accept her? That is what it boils down to. Do you agree with your future in-laws and extended family, and want to support them rather than your sister? That is probably what you should decide. WHO you support. It is your decision, and you decide by your actions.

 

Why not let your fiancé handle his family?

[Batya33]

At this point, lady, I think you should just elope. Not kidding.

 

Sherry, I was going to suggest this too and glad you did!

[Batya33]

I never said it was! You guys seem to think I am ashamed of my sister and do not accept her. I have clearly stated that my future in laws and extended family are the reason I am cautious. Ive tried to explain the context of my environment and religious background. The fact my dad is an alcoholic is completely irrelevant and unfair to to bring to the conversation. Ihope I can have the conversation with my partners family and my friends etc about my sisters sexuality, but I don't think that my wedding is the occasion for her to come out. This seems to have turned into everyone bashing on me for being homophobic, and I have never said anything here to suggest that. i can see a lot of people disagree and all I can do is thank you for your input, and I will bear it in mind when making this difficult decision. Perhaps if you were all in my shoes you may not think it is so easy either.

 

I have been in your shoes. I'm sure your sister doesn't even want to "come out" in any proactive way. If she's holding hands with her partner or if it's clear they are partners, that's not "coming out" or upstaging you (if we're back to the "it's my day" situation) -that's simply acting normal with your partner.

 

I agree with Snny -those who don't like it can take a hike (but she put it even more strongly and therefore, better).

[Snny]

I have clearly stated that my future in laws and extended family are the reason I am cautious.

I missed this.

 

So it's not your family, but your future inlaws that might be the problem.

 

Then this all falls on your betrowed. He is responsible for handling his family- you aren't. Even if you end up being his wife, he is still the one who is the frontline of handling his parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins, and aunts/uncles. If you want a successful marriage and a potentially good relationship with those people, you stay out of his family's drama. Do not engage at all. Period.

 

And if he is going to put up with his family disrespecting you AND your family, I would think long and hard about marrying a person like him. I would not want to remain with a spouse who has zero backbone of handling his business and let's it ruin our marriage.

[journeynow]

As for deflecting questions from your friends, say "Oh, honey, I'm getting married (/am married/just got married/going on my honeymoon/); I've got other things on my mind!" ;-) And continue giving variations on that. ("Oh Lordy, I've got other things on my mind.")

[kamurj]

The thread has run its course, closed.