We had sex before telling him I have genital herpes

[j.man]

I think there's too much thought going into the proper medium here. Yeah, I wouldn't break the news over SMS, but it would hardly be inappropriate to even just shoot him a call to inform him. Personally, I err on the side of better sooner than later, and, in his position, I know I'd appreciate a call to let me know immediately rather than knowing she held off just so that she could secure what she felt was the proper venue.

[Giblesp]

I am mentally damaged for the past 5 days (it happened last Sunday). I feel so bad, irresponsible, unethical, embarrassed. I knew I should have told him earlier before it happened. I admit it's entirely my fault and I am being so selfish by risking his health for just a temporary pleasure

 

I just need some advice on how do I come clean with him. We just started seeing each other (it happened on the last date which was our second)

 

It's hard to say I LIKE this guy because we have only been out twice but we really get along well, he is sweet and gets my joke, has good relationship with his family, stable job and I would really like to know him more. I do

 

Has anybody ever encountered the same issue in their life, or has HSV2 and would like to share your experience disclosing it to your significant other? Any advice and guidance would be greatly appreciated. He is travelling at the moment and will be back in a few days. I plan to tell him the next day he is back

 

 

I've had a partner that didn't tell me she had genital herpes until 2 months in. Needless to say, it didn't work out with her and I told her off about it.

 

What I've been told by professionals, ironically it was safer with her than if she didnt know. Reason being, she was careful to not have sex during an outbreak. Also, condoms were used which is not a 100% prevention but offers protection. All in all, 2 doctors have told me that there is nothing to worry about, as I have not developed symptoms. I'll probably get tested anyway.

 

However, you need to tell this man right now that you have herpes and that even though with care he may never get it, there is a risk of exposure. Its then up to him whether he wishes to continue or not. He must be given the option and it is your duty to apologize for your actions and inform him so that he can make a decision.

[Giblesp]

You should be talking to him about his own sexual health record, too.

 

It's great that you used a condom, but my impression is that he's not bothered about protecting himself much. Thus, you don't know what he could be carrying either.

 

 

Have to edit and apologize to MissCanuck,

 

It seems he refused to use a condom?! This is a dumpable on the spot offense as far as I'm concerned.

 

He's potentially exposing you to disease AND pregnancy.

[SherrySher]

This can't be easy for you and I am sorry you are going through it. You made a mistake but you are being accountable for it and doing the right thing and I have no doubt that

 

you will not make this mistake again. I commend you for that.

 

For whats it's worth, I hope you meet the right man who will accept you for all that you are and will be good to you. Sending a hug.

[eidetic]

According to the CDC, 1 out of 6 people aged 14 to 49 have genital herpes. Most are asymptomatic, with zero outbreaks.

 

Partners may not even be aware that they have herpes at all. And it isn't always included on standard STD testing -- meaning, ask your practitioner explicitly for HSV testing. People usually don't, unless they've had symptoms or unless a partner has disclosed and exposure is known. The virus is constantly shedding, no outbreaks or visual signs needed, and a condom doesn't guarantee protection or prevention. You can contract it from a zero-symptom and apparently "clean" partner, have zero symptoms and test "clean" yourself, and unknowingly always be passing it along anyway. So even if you don't have HSV and always practice "safe sex", you still are always at risk, and even if you have no symptoms and no one has ever come back and said "look, you may have been exposed" -- it's possible you have been and that you've got it.

 

If your source partner disclosed to you -- if you didn't find out solely on your own, via outbreak -- consider how that disclosure was set, before you disclose to your new partner.

 

You didn't contract HSV in public. *Don't* disclose to your *partner* in public. It's all well and good to have open generic dialogue about STDs where anyone can overhear and be generally informed. But *not* when it's central to the dialogue that "you might have this one now". Does that make sense? You are partly needing to disclose for ethical reasons, and also to apologize and be forgiven for the omission. Presenting that in a public setting puts the recipient of the news in a difficult and uncomfortable spot, and if he himself does not already have the virus and a matching disclosure and apology for you, a public setting may just come across as a disrespect and transparent manipulation.

 

A general rule of thumb is to keep sex off the table with any prospective partner who might respond badly or reject you for the (now and always) pre-sex disclosure. The judgment then is never on you or against your condition, but instead your own judgment: is this prospective partner real enough and kind enough and respectful enough to see the value and human worth of you beyond this sexual and medical aspect. Some prospective partners aren't. Those, then, you don't bed.

[journeynow]

OP, I understand the overall advice is to tell him. Will you come back to tell us how it went, and give advice for anyone else going forward? An important question to reflect upon: Why did this happen? (Understanding that will help you prevent this in the future. Also, have a plan for how to bring it up with potential partners.)

[coconut5]

Deleted... wrong message

[HeartGoesOn]

I agree with others as to laying the cards on the table. However, I can't imagine why he would want to continue, especially after an offense of this magnitude.

 

On the other hand, I'm amazed at how many people will risk their health by refusing to be tested before becoming intimate. In short, hopefully this is a lesson you'll take with you.

[Starlight925]

I can totally empathize with you, and I don't think it's fair to chastise you, as it seems that you really do regret not having told him.

 

I had an HSV-1 scare several years ago, as a guy I was dating for 2 months told me, oh, by the way.....anyway, I had a blood test for the antibodies (the only true test), and yes, I broke up with him because he put me at risk without my knowledge. Yes, I should have clarified STD's prior to sleeping with him, I get that. He said that he didn't tell me because he had been rejected so many times because of it, but that's still not an excuse. Nor was it an excuse on my end to not have clarified the STD issue.

 

That being said, there are millions of people with HSV-1, and millions who are just fine dating someone, as long as they are honest and up front about it. So, moving forward, I would just be honest with this guy (yes, the sooner the better, and yes, I think a phone call is fine, given that he's out of town now). And be honest and up front with any new guy, and keep condoms in your bag for those spur-of-the-moment occasions.

 

Regarding this particular guy, I do not like that he tried to refuse the condom. I would probably be ditching him over that. Like, hey, just so you know, I have HSV-1, and by the way, I'm never seeing you again. But you handle the conversation however you'd like.

 

I know plenty of people with STD's who have led happy, successful relationships, and one who's now married for almost 20 years with 2 kids. She got it while on a solo vacation prior to meeting her husband. She was so crazy about her husband and so sure he'd dump her as soon as she told him. He's extremely handsome, smart, and an all-around great guy. His response? Thanks for telling me. After they got married, he just wanted to make sure she kept up her doctor's visits. It's turned out to be a beautiful marriage. So there are definitely some very accepting people. Oh, and by the way....he never has contracted it.

[eidetic]

General rule again: good to make a practice of getting tested ahead of becoming sexual with a new partner. But be clear that many STD panels do not include HSV (of either or any type), so EXPLICITLY REQUEST it.

 

A responsible and health-aware person will do this as a matter of course, and as part of the rhythm of dating -- both ahead of becoming sexual with a new partner, and again as routine if the relationship ends. That said, not everyone will bother, and many people never do unless their bodies signal that "something is wrong". Think of it as something like car maintenance or routine checkup, and know that if you have these results dialogues ahead of sexually coupling up, that's one way your prospective partner knows that you are a person of integrity, honesty, even humility -- and that as someone who is preemptively looking out for the health of the other person as well as its own, that you are a person and partner who can be trusted.

 

But in general, know that HSV is not always included in standard STD testing, so consider asking for it explicitly.

 

Know the full range of STDs, too, because some are dangerous and not just annoying. HPV is generally asymptomatic. For women, sometimes the only symptom will be dysplasic cervical cells that only their ob/gyn ever sees. There is no HPV test recommended for men, and HPV in men is not treated unless symptoms are present. So women aren't likely to know they are carriers unless they are having routine gynecological exams, and especially a male partner may be a carrier and never know it, and condom or not, either may pass it along to you.

 

HPV is worth looking into, because left untreated, it can cause cancer. If you are so inclined, up to 26 years of age, there are vaccinations against it. With this in mind, though, it can't be said often enough that the choice to be sexual with another person is a type of health risk, and it's to our own benefit to be discriminating and thoughtfully selective about who we share our physical bodies with. Because some people/relationships/activities are really not worth it.

[olympic reject]

I've had a partner that didn't tell me she had genital herpes until 2 months in. Needless to say, it didn't work out with her and I told her off about it.

 

What I've been told by professionals, ironically it was safer with her than if she didnt know. Reason being, she was careful to not have sex during an outbreak. Also, condoms were used which is not a 100% prevention but offers protection. All in all, 2 doctors have told me that there is nothing to worry about, as I have not developed symptoms. I'll probably get tested anyway.

 

However, you need to tell this man right now that you have herpes and that even though with care he may never get it, there is a risk of exposure. Its then up to him whether he wishes to continue or not. He must be given the option and it is your duty to apologize for your actions and inform him so that he can make a decision.

 

 

Thanks for sharing your story. May I know would your decision be any different if she disclose it in advance, before you had intercourse?

 

How did she break the news to you in the first place? And how did you react? Did she try to convince you like "we can still work this out"? Sorry if I sounded nosy but this is my first time ever to disclose about my health status to someone and I have no idea on how to do it. Do I make him take a seat before reading the news out loud or shall I sugarcoat it? What if he reacts in the worst I could ever imagine (kick me outta the house, shouting, etc)?

 

You have no idea how many blogs/articles/research studies on genital herpes have I read today. I am going to tell him first thing once he is back home this weekend

[olympic reject]

Have to edit and apologize to MissCanuck,

 

It seems he refused to use a condom?! This is a dumpable on the spot offense as far as I'm concerned.

 

He's potentially exposing you to disease AND pregnancy.

 

 

Unfortunately he did refuse and I insisted to have it on. I make sure I put it on myself and the rest is history

 

Shall I talk about this as well, the fact that he couldn't care less on having protection, or just focus on dropping the bomb? We had several drinks before that, do you think that could play some role on his decision making?

[olympic reject]

This can't be easy for you and I am sorry you are going through it. You made a mistake but you are being accountable for it and doing the right thing and I have no doubt that

 

you will not make this mistake again. I commend you for that.

 

For whats it's worth, I hope you meet the right man who will accept you for all that you are and will be good to you. Sending a hug.

 

 

 

Thank you Sherry for the comfort words. This is my first guy ever after I broke up late last year (with the guy that contracted me the virus)

 

I guess I was so wrapped up in him and got caught up in my emotions that I got carried away and gave in. But then again, no excuses for what I did

 

Hugs back to you! A bit off topic, you really remind me of my sister; sweet, full of advice and non-judgmental. Thanks

[glitterfingers]

Hey olympic reject, I'm a bit late to the game but I wanted to share my story with you, for whatever little it's worth.

 

My ex had genital herpes. I started dating him and thought he was pretty amazing, one of the reasons was that he held off on sex/intimacy (which for a girl is a big plus/refresher when it comes to men!). We kissed a few times, and one night after a dinner date I invited him back to my place. I could tell he was extremely anxious, and I was a little nervous but very excited. Things progressed from kissing and he went down on me. After that, I started unzipping his pants. That was when he stopped me and said "There's something I've been meaning to tell you."

 

Honestly, not the best starter if you ask me because I immediately went into shock wondering what could be so important that he stopped me in the middle of an intimate moment. But that was when he finally decided to tell me that his former partner had given him herpes. And after that, he offered to leave and give me some time to think about things. Again, I'm not entirely sure this was the right way to go about it, because I was obsessively researching/reading stories/looking at the risk online, scared out of my mind, when I could have been talking to the person who has it and can tell me what it's like to live with and what medical advice he has been given about the risks of transmission, what precautions he takes/is willing to take etc. I do wish he had stayed that night as I almost broke up with him because of the way that the news shocked me (and in retrospect, he was a jerk so would have been wise! But alas).

 

People do tend to have knee jerk reactions to such news, I'm not going to sugar coat that. But with time and research, they can come to terms with the fact that it's mostly just stigma! Not something to be truly scared of. But this is greatly aided by having someone to talk to about it (i.e. you)

 

This is what you want to do in future situations. Bring it up before you get intimate, possibly while kissing in private if you sense that it could lead further that night or the next time you see the person. One thing I'd recommend is taking your relationships slower sexually, so that you can build some trust/rapport and people are more likely to treat you kindly if/when you choose to disclose this sensitive information about yourself.

 

As for this guy, I'm not sure that he's going to come around to the idea since you haven't afforded him the right to choose. If he sees things from a similar perspective (i.e. acknowledges that the situation was possibly too pressured for you to actually say anything and that you did try and take precautions by using a condom) then you might have a chance at him taking the news a little better.

 

But what I will say is this: Whilst you have a moral obligation to tell him, you have neither a legal obligation to do so, nor must you tell him in person. At risk of being flamed for this comment, since you have done your part in using protection, you can choose to walk away rather than confront this particular experience head on. You have every right to do that if you are afraid of the reaction that you're going to get, and need time to process what's happened and learn from it so that you don't repeat this mistake.

 

However, you might not be able to live with yourself all too easily if you do that. In that case, I would tell him over the phone by saying that you need to address something with him, that you apologise in advance and that you're hoping he'll stay calm so that you can address any questions he has. And then just say exactly what happened. "My ex partner gave me herpes, that is why I needed to be sure we used a condom. I understand that you will not like this news, but the likelihood that you could contract anything from me given that we used protection and I was not experiencing symptoms is extremely low, much lower than if you had unprotected sex with someone else. I hope you can forgive that I didn't have the guts to address this with you straight away, this is the first sexual experience I've had since I was diagnosed and I am sorry that I didn't know how to handle this situation any better. I am more than happy to talk to you about any questions or concerns you have about whether you're at risk, but I don't believe that you need to be particularly worried, I just felt that it was only right that I speak to you about this."

[olympic reject]

According to the CDC, 1 out of 6 people aged 14 to 49 have genital herpes. Most are asymptomatic, with zero outbreaks.

 

Partners may not even be aware that they have herpes at all. And it isn't always included on standard STD testing -- meaning, ask your practitioner explicitly for HSV testing. People usually don't, unless they've had symptoms or unless a partner has disclosed and exposure is known. The virus is constantly shedding, no outbreaks or visual signs needed, and a condom doesn't guarantee protection or prevention. You can contract it from a zero-symptom and apparently "clean" partner, have zero symptoms and test "clean" yourself, and unknowingly always be passing it along anyway. So even if you don't have HSV and always practice "safe sex", you still are always at risk, and even if you have no symptoms and no one has ever come back and said "look, you may have been exposed" -- it's possible you have been and that you've got it.

 

If your source partner disclosed to you -- if you didn't find out solely on your own, via outbreak -- consider how that disclosure was set, before you disclose to your new partner.

 

You didn't contract HSV in public. *Don't* disclose to your *partner* in public. It's all well and good to have open generic dialogue about STDs where anyone can overhear and be generally informed. But *not* when it's central to the dialogue that "you might have this one now". Does that make sense? You are partly needing to disclose for ethical reasons, and also to apologize and be forgiven for the omission. Presenting that in a public setting puts the recipient of the news in a difficult and uncomfortable spot, and if he himself does not already have the virus and a matching disclosure and apology for you, a public setting may just come across as a disrespect and transparent manipulation.

 

A general rule of thumb is to keep sex off the table with any prospective partner who might respond badly or reject you for the (now and always) pre-sex disclosure. The judgment then is never on you or against your condition, but instead your own judgment: is this prospective partner real enough and kind enough and respectful enough to see the value and human worth of you beyond this sexual and medical aspect. Some prospective partners aren't. Those, then, you don't bed.

 

 

Hi, thank you for taking the time to write all these information. Yes it makes sense. I am just afraid if I come to his place, he would freak out, and go banana ( I know I'm just being obnoxious). He told me once he punched a guy until he bleeds out of his nose on the floor

 

Anyway, definitely I will not open up about this at a bar where there's alcohol and lots of happy people

 

In the beginning, I was planning to disclose it when we get closer (maybe after the 4th or 5th dates because he starts showing interest on me even on the 1st date. By that, I mean when we talk, he touches my arms, when we cross the road, he will give his hand in a way to help me get to the other side, touch my hair and cheeks, etc)

 

But that day it happened, we had so many drinks at his place and next thing I know, we were making out and heading to the room

 

Lesson is definitely learned

[olympic reject]

Hey olympic reject, I'm a bit late to the game but I wanted to share my story with you, for whatever little it's worth.

 

My ex had genital herpes. I started dating him and thought he was pretty amazing, one of the reasons was that he held off on sex/intimacy (which for a girl is a big plus/refresher when it comes to men!). We kissed a few times, and one night after a dinner date I invited him back to my place. I could tell he was extremely anxious, and I was a little nervous but very excited. Things progressed from kissing and he went down on me. After that, I started unzipping his pants. That was when he stopped me and said "There's something I've been meaning to tell you."

 

Honestly, not the best starter if you ask me because I immediately went into shock wondering what could be so important that he stopped me in the middle of an intimate moment. But that was when he finally decided to tell me that his former partner had given him herpes. And after that, he offered to leave and give me some time to think about things. Again, I'm not entirely sure this was the right way to go about it, because I was obsessively researching/reading stories/looking at the risk online, scared out of my mind, when I could have been talking to the person who has it and can tell me what it's like to live with and what medical advice he has been given about the risks of transmission, what precautions he takes/is willing to take etc. I do wish he had stayed that night as I almost broke up with him because of the way that the news shocked me (and in retrospect, he was a jerk so would have been wise! But alas).

 

People do tend to have knee jerk reactions to such news, I'm not going to sugar coat that. But with time and research, they can come to terms with the fact that it's mostly just stigma! Not something to be truly scared of. But this is greatly aided by having someone to talk to about it (i.e. you)

 

This is what you want to do in future situations. Bring it up before you get intimate, possibly while kissing in private if you sense that it could lead further that night or the next time you see the person. One thing I'd recommend is taking your relationships slower sexually, so that you can build some trust/rapport and people are more likely to treat you kindly if/when you choose to disclose this sensitive information about yourself.

 

As for this guy, I'm not sure that he's going to come around to the idea since you haven't afforded him the right to choose. If he sees things from a similar perspective (i.e. acknowledges that the situation was possibly too pressured for you to actually say anything and that you did try and take precautions by using a condom) then you might have a chance at him taking the news a little better.

 

But what I will say is this: Whilst you have a moral obligation to tell him, you have neither a legal obligation to do so, nor must you tell him in person. At risk of being flamed for this comment, since you have done your part in using protection, you can choose to walk away rather than confront this particular experience head on. You have every right to do that if you are afraid of the reaction that you're going to get, and need time to process what's happened and learn from it so that you don't repeat this mistake.

 

However, you might not be able to live with yourself all too easily if you do that. In that case, I would tell him over the phone by saying that you need to address something with him, that you apologise in advance and that you're hoping he'll stay calm so that you can address any questions he has. And then just say exactly what happened. "My ex partner gave me herpes, that is why I needed to be sure we used a condom. I understand that you will not like this news, but the likelihood that you could contract anything from me given that we used protection and I was not experiencing symptoms is extremely low, much lower than if you had unprotected sex with someone else. I hope you can forgive that I didn't have the guts to address this with you straight away, this is the first sexual experience I've had since I was diagnosed and I am sorry that I didn't know how to handle this situation any better. I am more than happy to talk to you about any questions or concerns you have about whether you're at risk, but I don't believe that you need to be particularly worried, I just felt that it was only right that I speak to you about this."

 

 

Hi glitterfingers, you are not late at all. I am still actively searching for strength and courage everywhere (online and offline) on how am I going to handle this, this Sunday

 

When we started making out, I thought I could hold myself together then he started undressing me and wanting to go down. I stopped him right away although he tried several times to stay down there, then gave up, and started to "switch" his radar. That's when things got serious and I didn't know what to do. I thought of stopping him there, but the tipsy me was thinking maybe he will just throw me out of bed and ghost me forever. So after his several attempt of wanting to do it without protection, I said pull one out and that's when I screwed up big time!

 

I don't know what came into my mind last night that I planned to just make up a story saying I just found out I have herpes after we had sex or even worse, to distance myself slowly by avoid any contacts with him.

 

But eventually, he will come around because we have a mutual friend and that friend turns to be my boss. So he will hang out at my office at least once a week.

 

I guess I care too much about my dignity, which not really what I should be focusing on at the moment

 

I remember that day I found out I have contracted it from my ex. I found it the hard way and it tear me down so bad, I lost my job, distance myself from my family and people. I blamed myself terribly. I don't want this guy (or anybody) to ever experience what I did

 

Thank you for sharing with us your experience!

[olympic reject]

OP, I understand the overall advice is to tell him. Will you come back to tell us how it went, and give advice for anyone else going forward? An important question to reflect upon: Why did this happen? (Understanding that will help you prevent this in the future. Also, have a plan for how to bring it up with potential partners.)

 

 

Yes of course, I will share with you guys what will be his reaction, regardless how it turns out. I'm leaning more towards ghosting me and walking away, which what most people would do after being lied to and risking their health

 

Why did this happen? The fact that I had way too many drinks beforehand and letting him steer the ship, and now I sank it

 

Like I said in my previous posts, I was planning to tell him after a few more dates but I just couldn't control myself

[olympic reject]

I agree with others as to laying the cards on the table. However, I can't imagine why he would want to continue, especially after an offense of this magnitude.

 

On the other hand, I'm amazed at how many people will risk their health by refusing to be tested before becoming intimate. In short, hopefully this is a lesson you'll take with you.

 

 

I agree, I don't expect or even have the slightest hope that he will be sympathy with me for being honest and continue this relationship, or whatever we call it

 

I have learned my lesson the hard way, I have nothing else to say. Thank you for your post

[olympic reject]

I can totally empathize with you, and I don't think it's fair to chastise you, as it seems that you really do regret not having told him.

 

I had an HSV-1 scare several years ago, as a guy I was dating for 2 months told me, oh, by the way.....anyway, I had a blood test for the antibodies (the only true test), and yes, I broke up with him because he put me at risk without my knowledge. Yes, I should have clarified STD's prior to sleeping with him, I get that. He said that he didn't tell me because he had been rejected so many times because of it, but that's still not an excuse. Nor was it an excuse on my end to not have clarified the STD issue.

 

That being said, there are millions of people with HSV-1, and millions who are just fine dating someone, as long as they are honest and up front about it. So, moving forward, I would just be honest with this guy (yes, the sooner the better, and yes, I think a phone call is fine, given that he's out of town now). And be honest and up front with any new guy, and keep condoms in your bag for those spur-of-the-moment occasions.

 

Regarding this particular guy, I do not like that he tried to refuse the condom. I would probably be ditching him over that. Like, hey, just so you know, I have HSV-1, and by the way, I'm never seeing you again. But you handle the conversation however you'd like.

 

I know plenty of people with STD's who have led happy, successful relationships, and one who's now married for almost 20 years with 2 kids. She got it while on a solo vacation prior to meeting her husband. She was so crazy about her husband and so sure he'd dump her as soon as she told him. He's extremely handsome, smart, and an all-around great guy. His response? Thanks for telling me. After they got married, he just wanted to make sure she kept up her doctor's visits. It's turned out to be a beautiful marriage. So there are definitely some very accepting people. Oh, and by the way....he never has contracted it.

 

 

 

How did he accept your rejection? Did you guys have any intercourse before he dropped the bomb? I agree, there's no excuse on being selfish and irresponsible by not giving a choice to someone while risking their health

 

I think I will keep myself away from any guy for a while. What just happened really an eye opener for me that I'm still not able to handle this, I don't know how am I going to disclose it to my future partner (before any action in bed)

 

About the condom, I was pretty devastated as well when he insisted on not using one. At first, I thought maybe it's just the drinks and he didn't think it through. Btw, I have HSV2-genital herpes

 

Wow, what a really beautiful and amazing love story that I wish everybody will experience as well! It is great that he never has contracted it

 

I guess I just have to keep my pants on until I find the one? Thank you so much for sharing. I wish you a lovely weekend

 

I will keep you all updated on the outcome this weekend

[glitterfingers]

Hi glitterfingers, you are not late at all. I am still actively searching for strength and courage everywhere (online and offline) on how am I going to handle this, this Sunday

 

When we started making out, I thought I could hold myself together then he started undressing me and wanting to go down. I stopped him right away although he tried several times to stay down there, then gave up, and started to "switch" his radar. That's when things got serious and I didn't know what to do. I thought of stopping him there, but the tipsy me was thinking maybe he will just throw me out of bed and ghost me forever. So after his several attempt of wanting to do it without protection, I said pull one out and that's when I screwed up big time!

 

I don't know what came into my mind last night that I planned to just make up a story saying I just found out I have herpes after we had sex or even worse, to distance myself slowly by avoid any contacts with him.

 

But eventually, he will come around because we have a mutual friend and that friend turns to be my boss. So he will hang out at my office at least once a week.

 

I guess I care too much about my dignity, which not really what I should be focusing on at the moment

 

I remember that day I found out I have contracted it from my ex. I found it the hard way and it tear me down so bad, I lost my job, distance myself from my family and people. I blamed myself terribly. I don't want this guy (or anybody) to ever experience what I did

 

Thank you for sharing with us your experience!

 

This guy is friends with your boss? Am I reading this correctly?

 

If so, I'd seriously reconsider telling him until/unless you've had a chance to look for a new job... That could get really ugly.

 

Yeah, you made a mistake, but if you didn't let him come into contact with you unprotected (and weren't showing symptoms) then the likelihood of transmission is unbelievably low in a one off sexual encounter. You CAN simply distance yourself

 

I do think you should do the right thing by future partners, but you've made a mistake here and your job/reputation could be on the line? Do you want this getting out to mutual friends?

 

Keep in mind that if he gets tested and it's positive, it's more likely he got it from a partner he's had before you since he doesn't seem to care about using protection!

 

I don't know what you should say to him to be honest, but I think you need to find something that balances your ethical/moral obligations with your need for self-preservation

[olympic reject]

This guy is friends with your boss? Am I reading this correctly?

 

If so, I'd seriously reconsider telling him until/unless you've had a chance to look for a new job... That could get really ugly.

 

Yeah, you made a mistake, but if you didn't let him come into contact with you unprotected (and weren't showing symptoms) then the likelihood of transmission is unbelievably low in a one off sexual encounter. You CAN simply distance yourself

 

I do think you should do the right thing by future partners, but you've made a mistake here and your job/reputation could be on the line? Do you want this getting out to mutual friends?

 

Keep in mind that if he gets tested and it's positive, it's more likely he got it from a partner he's had before you since he doesn't seem to care about using protection!

 

I don't know what you should say to him to be honest, but I think you need to find something that balances your ethical/moral obligations with your need for self-preservation

 

 

 

Yes, he is a friend of my boss. Are you suggesting that I should keep my mouth shut until I manage to find a new job and then break the silence with this devastating news?

 

This thought has been lingering in my mind as well but I just don't think it's ethical and I can't live another day thinking what disease I might have exposed him to, and I don't even know how active is he with his sexual life. He might contract it to someone else and that's just avoidable if I made the right move

 

I completely agree with you that if he's found positive, there's a possibility he got it from his previous encounters due to his lack of awareness in using protection. Or, from me. There's so many possibilities, it drives me nuts!

[Giblesp]

Unfortunately he did refuse and I insisted to have it on. I make sure I put it on myself and the rest is history

 

Shall I talk about this as well, the fact that he couldn't care less on having protection, or just focus on dropping the bomb? We had several drinks before that, do you think that could play some role on his decision making?

 

 

Glad that it did go on. To expose a woman to possible unplanned pregnancy and disease is a sign of low character, and alcohol is absolutely not an excuse.

 

I'd tell him about the herpes with an apology. If you didn't have an outbreak at the time, and I'm presuming you didnt, the chances of transmission are actually low and you should tell him. However, he has to know.

 

You can certainly suggest that he uses condoms with other partners in future.

 

I wouldn't advise continuing with this man, because I have no respect for men who dont use condoms.

[abitbroken]

Yes, he is a friend of my boss. Are you suggesting that I should keep my mouth shut until I manage to find a new job and then break the silence with this devastating news?

 

This thought has been lingering in my mind as well but I just don't think it's ethical and I can't live another day thinking what disease I might have exposed him to, and I don't even know how active is he with his sexual life. He might contract it to someone else and that's just avoidable if I made the right move

 

I completely agree with you that if he's found positive, there's a possibility he got it from his previous encounters due to his lack of awareness in using protection. Or, from me. There's so many possibilities, it drives me nuts!

 

You need to tell him immediately because his health is at stake!! And any woman he sleeps with, too. its not about you saving face anymore. Its about his health that you risked by not telling the truth. And you can't count on him believing its from a past encounter. He needs to be informed so he can going forward inform other partners and not bother looking up old flames and alarming them that were before he was exposed.

[journeynow]

Why did this happen? The fact that I had way too many drinks beforehand and letting him steer the ship, and now I sank it

 

Like I said in my previous posts, I was planning to tell him after a few more dates but I just couldn't control myself

 

I get it. You had a plan, for sure, and you sound like someone who thinks ahead. Also have a back up plan for things like alcohol, passion, being charmed, getting carried away, feeling in denial, etc. You are human, after all, so those things may come into play. You don't want to be in this position again.

[figureitout23]

Hi glitterfingers, you are not late at all. I am still actively searching for strength and courage everywhere (online and offline) on how am I going to handle this, this Sunday

 

When we started making out, I thought I could hold myself together then he started undressing me and wanting to go down. I stopped him right away although he tried several times to stay down there, then gave up, and started to "switch" his radar. That's when things got serious and I didn't know what to do. I thought of stopping him there, but the tipsy me was thinking maybe he will just throw me out of bed and ghost me forever. So after his several attempt of wanting to do it without protection, I said pull one out and that's when I screwed up big time!

 

I don't know what came into my mind last night that I planned to just make up a story saying I just found out I have herpes after we had sex or even worse, to distance myself slowly by avoid any contacts with him.

 

But eventually, he will come around because we have a mutual friend and that friend turns to be my boss. So he will hang out at my office at least once a week.

 

I guess I care too much about my dignity, which not really what I should be focusing on at the moment

 

I remember that day I found out I have contracted it from my ex. I found it the hard way and it tear me down so bad, I lost my job, distance myself from my family and people. I blamed myself terribly. I don't want this guy (or anybody) to ever experience what I did.

 

Then be a woman own up to your actions and tell him.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, but now it's time to learn from you circumstance. You keep saying 'one thing lead to another' and 'there was tons of alcohol involved' but you had the wherewithal to make sure he had a condom and didn't perform oral sex so you were sober enough to know what you were doing. You also said you were afraid to tell him cause you thought he'd 'throw you on the bed and ghost you' . I'm not judging you, I'm saying own your sh*t so this doesn't happen again with another partner. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Alcohol was involved and it impacted your judgment but again it sounds like you still knew right from wrong and chose to go for it. That's not right to do to someone's health. He's stupid for attempting to sleep with you unprotected but that doesn't absolve you. I'm sorry, but in my opinion, it doesn't. Again, own it so it doesn't happen again. You know what it feels like to be given a diesease. Odds are you didn't pass it to him, but if you don't get proactive about being upfront and careful you will eventually pass it to someone.