buba Posted April 27, 2005 Author Share Posted April 27, 2005 Nebbish, He is 34. About time to grow up. Obviously,his addiction to weed keeps him stuck in his 20s. So I believe. This is why his moods always change. God, how did I got myself into this mess! Link to comment
nebbish Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 so he's 34 and she's 20? i don't see that lasting too long. it's got to chafe you, though. force yourself to get through this. you're doing fine-- getting better. how did you get into this? you fell in love.... or luuuuuuv as they used to say when i was in high school. so don't be hard on yourself in terms of how you got here. you arrived here honorably. the challenge before you now is to manage your current situation, painful as it is. but you're making it. Link to comment
buba Posted April 29, 2005 Author Share Posted April 29, 2005 here I am again. Writing here to escape the pain, wandering how great it would be if people were desighned a bit differently. If this pain had never existed in the universe. I am in a funk again. 9 days of N/C. God, it hurts. I am so used to his voice. Trying to escape this pain by drinking again. I can't seem to just get out of it. Nothing seems to make sense. What's the point in living this miserable existence? Link to comment
buba Posted April 29, 2005 Author Share Posted April 29, 2005 here I am again. Writing here to escape the pain, wandering how great it would be if people were desighned a bit differently. If this pain had never existed in the universe. I am in a funk again. 9 days of N/C. God, it hurts. I am so used to his voice. Trying to escape this pain by drinking again. I can't seem to just get out of it. Nothing seems to make sense. What's the point in living this miserable existence? Link to comment
nebbish Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 drinking is not perhaps the most constructive thing you can do... if you can drink you can work out. the first few times you drank, i'm sure it wasn't the easiest thing to do-- same with working out. but i understand the loneliness the betrayal the shcok the dismay the physcial breathless pain-- and given all that, 9 days is nothing to sneeze at. do you have a therapist? Link to comment
ForeverHopeful Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 Hi Buba I have read your story and first off Im really sorry you are suffering so much from this man. It's easy for me to say but it sounds like you have got yourself away from what can only be seen as a destructive relationship. Having read all the bad things this relationship bought you, you are in such a great position to get away while you can and move and grow and become a wonderful person. It sounds as though you have a hell of a lot going for you, dont let one person destroy your life. It seems there are lots of points you have to address for yourself to start healing and one of the things we all cant cope with when we have been so into someone is the loneliness, this is oftent he biggest set back when we need to move on. Write a list of all the things you he did to hurt you and keep this list, keep reminding yourself of how unhealthy this was for you. You need to get out and keep yourself busy, as hard as it is sometimes to move yourself from the couch, you really need to force yourself in these early stages, and I promise you will feel better for it. I noticed you said you had an abusive, alcoholic mother. If you have never dealt with the issues of an abusive childhood you can easily spend your life searching for a relationship to fill the void of the love you never had when you were a child. I know this as I went through a similar thing and had to become an adult as a teenager, missing out on my own childhood. I spent a good portion of my dating years trying to replace the love I never had as a kid. I finally spent a good deal of time in therapy and it was the best thing I ever did as I was able to finally deal with the pain of not being loved and stopped expecting this replacement in my relationships. Also - what do you want from your life? This is about you now and not about how one man can make you happy. It sounds like you have built an excellent career, focus on that and YOU. Remember we really only have a short time on this planet and there are millions of people and loads of lovely places to be seen and explored. Remember how great you are and this will get easier if you dont let it or him defeat you. Keep strong! Link to comment
thisisnotanexit Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 ok i promise there will be life past this man. he's obviously got issues he needs to work out and you don't need that in your life right now. you need some closure right now. i promise you WILL get over him one day. your life will not always be miserable. it's hard to see now, but it's the truth. questioning living is not something you should be doing right now. you have to keep going, don't give up. this isn't worth it, you're going to feel better eventually. these things just take time. i've been there, believe me. if you ever want to talk, i'm here. we all are, and we all care. and i agree, drinking is not the best thing for you to do right now. try your best to stay away from it. throw the stuff away if you have to, just stay awayhave you talked to anyone about how you feel? i'm sure people can help you through all this. drinking can hurt you or someone else. don't drive, etc.. you don't need that in your life right now. you're going to be ok, just please don't give up. if you ever get strong urges, please stay from anything that could harm you. get all of that tempting stuff out of your life. let people help you. and try your best to stay away from things that remind you of him. again, you need closure and i know you will find it one day soon. don't give up. don't be afraid to ask for emergency help if you need it. and if you end up drinking please be safe. you can harm yourself and others. don't drive, etc. visit these sites link removed link removed link removed take care Link to comment
sonjam Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 hey buba, Ive been following your story, and Im wondering how you holding up chica? Are you ok? Divorce is an awfull thing if you are young, it is alwyas awful...... Link to comment
eva1218 Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 Buba, Look at how many are here for you? I know we couldn't help much actually. I remember when I posted here half year ago, didn't get much attention from ppl in this forum. And then i didn't post anymore after a while. But I never left this forum in this 8months, I guess it is because I still look for ppl who feel as me, I never recovered, I was only getting better. I do feel how you feel, the only difference is I'm 8months ahead u. And I wasn't my ex's wife. But I love him to death, I still feel the pain, my heart still broke..... I'm not over him, no matter how hard I tried, I can't get over him...and it has been 8months. What else can i say but it gets better by time... I started NC from 7th this month.......and it is hard for me..... You can imagine how difficult it was for me, I only started NC recently after I got dumped more than half year....it is so sad.... Buba, I can only tell you it will be the same next week, next month....but u will get use to it.....without him.....life still go on, and the world wouldn't stop for us no matter how sad we are..... Nothing gonna make sense, it won't.......cause it is something that we can't bear.......at least to me. I do understand how u feel.......really... Leave everything to the time, meanwhile lookafter yourself(try).... it is the only thing you can do. There's hope, I do have, and you do have. Eventhough we might would never love someone, or someone love us.... but we have ourselves, no? You have Buba, I have Eva..... we can't give ourselves up even they left us..... No matter how meaningful they are to us, they are not the only reason why we came to the world. Buba, I think, compare to others, I'm healing really slow, really....only me know how I feel, how much it hurts, how painful it is..... no one can take it away......... but time............. I am leaving it to time............and try to pretend I'm ok.. I know I will be fine one day....it won't hurt anymore one day..............it's the matter of time...... Hang on, buba. Eva Link to comment
eva1218 Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 Buba, You lookafter yourself, and take care. I think, I'm not coming back to this forum anymore....... hearing from you, I felt I'm watching myself......it made me feel even more sad. I really do feel a lot better compare to before, but deep in my heart, the hole...........I don't even know how to describe......guess u know. At some point, life is meaningless to me without him....... but I won't give up........I will be ok. And u will, too!! Eva Link to comment
buba Posted April 30, 2005 Author Share Posted April 30, 2005 Thank you all for your support. I guess what hurts me the most is betrayal of trust. I was there for him when he was broke and down. he was miserable, angry at the world, me and there were a lot of painful, abusive comments i had to swallow. Now he is out of the hole and I am not needed. I guess I was only needed when he was in the dumps... It hurts. I am blamed for everything. It's all my fault, he sees no wrong in himself. Some people are just cruel, indifferent bastards. I never thought this nightmare will happened only a year after I said "I DO" Surviving... Trying to survive. Link to comment
thisisnotanexit Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 that's great that youre hanging in there. i hope your husband takes care of himself, but you on the other hand are a strong, wonderful person. you can get past this. Link to comment
buba Posted April 30, 2005 Author Share Posted April 30, 2005 It's been 10 days since I last talked to him. I've been braking a lot of my own bones to keep with N/C. Everyone on this forum seems to believe it's the best thing. I wander why it is? Every day seems like an eternity. I wake up in the morning and pray to God to help me through the day, to stay strong and not pick up that damn phone cause I miss hearing his voice. Sometimes I think, If he doesn't care for me any more, why is N/C so important? Call him or not , what's the difference? Can someone explain? Link to comment
thisisnotanexit Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 closure is what you need now you can do this, try your best to have strength i'm praying for you god bless Link to comment
nebbish Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 the n/c thing helps you put distance between yourself and the ex. in your case he has left you. he doesn't care but if you call him you will feel worse afterwards than you did before. as the litigation progresses you will likely have opportuinities to interact with him so don't worry about it. plus if you don't call him he has no idea if you're a pitiful wreck or if you're doing great and wonderful things. why remove the doubt. it is a painful discipline but ultimately it helps you out. like eating asparagus instead of milk duds. Link to comment
buba Posted April 30, 2005 Author Share Posted April 30, 2005 Thank you Nebbish. I will listen to your advice and not call. I doubt that he feels that I am happy, but it would of been nice if he did. It's a painful jurney, and it's unfair. I wish I could be just like him. Uncarrying, cold, indifferent. I have a different set of ideals and being a nice person sometimes works against me. I will continue with N/C and try to move on... Oh, so hard... Link to comment
archiphile Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 Hi Buba, Just finished geting up to speed on your situation. First of all let me say that youdo no need this fool. I went through a nasty divorce three years ago. It took me damn near succeeding at a suicide attempt to realize that the path of hanging on to something that is not there any longer was literaly killing me. What has worked for me; First I decided to not date anyone until such atime as I felt like I had a better handle on my on emotions and my life in general. That took two years. I stopped wishing that I could have her back in my life. I did everything in my life for me and my son. Second; I found something that I could focus on. For me that was the urge to change careers. Previous to my current career I was a welder, now I work for an Architect. I will be moving to Boston in the fall to start a B. Arch. program. 3rd; I let the next person fall into my lap. I am now involved w/ a wonderful woman. We have lived together for the past two and one-half years. And I never saw her coming. You have to live your life everyday as oif it is your last. That is not to say that you should be reckless. But do the things that make you the most happy and that contribute to your life in a positive manner. Hope this will help, -archiphile- Link to comment
buba Posted May 1, 2005 Author Share Posted May 1, 2005 Thank you arhipfille, I am so glad i found this forum, everyone has been such great support. as I said earlier, I stopped writing music, this pain doesn't inspire me at all. I made plans for next week to stay out of the house every night. Hope it will help. majority of my friends are happy couples and I am the one going through such pain. I feel like this is the only place I can get some real support/ advice. I can't stop thinking about him having a blast with his 20y.old lover. It kills me. Woke up this morning and prayed to God to keep him out of my dreams. I dream about him every night. Sometimes I think I am cursed or devil posessed... Have to play a show tonight, got to get myself together... So hard to fake a smile when you're dying inside. Thank you all. I don't know where I would be now without you. Every little reply makes me a bit stronger, so, please bear with me for a while longer, I will try to get out of this mess... It's only been 3 weeks since I was served with Divorce papers. Link to comment
thisisnotanexit Posted May 1, 2005 Share Posted May 1, 2005 were here for you ANYTIME and no, there is nothing wrong with you..you're not possessed. life is hard sometimes, but you will be ok. hang in there! Link to comment
nebbish Posted May 1, 2005 Share Posted May 1, 2005 take heart: in los angeles alone there are probably thousands of people at this second who are going through what you are going through and hundreds of thousands of people who have gone through it. your ex may not think you are happy (if he thinks about you at all); but he doesn['t know for sure. unless you call him and tell him, he doesn;'t know. and the less he knows about you the less opporutnity he has to hurt you. you're doing fine. one foot in front of the other, one breath after another, one heartbeat after another.... Link to comment
buba Posted May 1, 2005 Author Share Posted May 1, 2005 12 days of N/C. The longest I ever went without talking to him. Still smoke sigarrettes, such unhealthy new habit. This relationship was unhealthy. My therapist said that I keep falling in love with someone like my mother (selfish, abusive, addicted...) That's what I know. I guess it's in my genes. Wander if I ever be able to fall in love with a "normal" person. I was a doormat. Do you think people that are heavily addicted to weed are messed up in their head when it comes to facing the reality? Do they ever hurt? Feel? Or they live in "whatever land" and don't wanna be bothered ? Link to comment
nebbish Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 i think that potheads are shielded form reality and whatever pain they might feel is masked by the pot. and if i might corrct your post-- although it is 12 days n/c now, in fact you went n/c for years quite happily before you met him. so you've done it once and you can do it again. and twelve days is an accomplishment given the pain you are in. Link to comment
litoosh743 Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 Hey there buba, I have been following your story since day one i think, I feel your pain and i know for certain that you'll be fine. I can feel it. anyway, i can see you're getting great advice from the amazing people on this forum, they helped me in my darkest hours, and i think everything i want to tell you has already been said on this thread. So, instead, since i know you're an artist, i'm gonna put a song in here that a french group i saw a week ago play and it actually made me think of you and your deep pain...you just came into my mind and i know how you feel, i'm going through the same thing, i know i'm being walked all over and i keep letting it happen over and over....i love him so much and its stronger than me....anyway, the group is called telepopmusik, and here is their song: I just held on and hoped you'd find That nowhere else you'd find my kind Dear John, oh yes I did all I could To make it be like the wallflower who never could And I admit I wasn't pure, dear John When I try so hard to make you sure Life without you is not a cure Dear John And my unsung hero lies beneath The rooftops made of gold He's telling me I should jump He'll be there when I fall So I step back, pretend I'm shocked Really I always knew This would happen to me and you, dear John I just held on and hoped you'd find That nowhere else you'd find my kind Dear John Love's almighty Link to comment
buba Posted May 3, 2005 Author Share Posted May 3, 2005 Just wanted to let you know that today I am content. Just saw the movie "Swingers" that everyone here so highly recommended and it was very inspirational. gave me hope that one day I will be over him. My guts are not twisting into pretzels any more... Just sadness... Link to comment
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