eva1218 Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 Buba, this is how it goes, sleep from 2 to 4, then 4 to 5, then 5 to 6........... I slept like a pig now.......and 3/4 meals a day..you know, just like a normal people again. And you will as well, just give it time... You don't even need to force yourself to do so, if will by itself....with time. But, I still wake up with the emptiness in my heart every single day. It is sad, but look at how far we made it, we should be proud of ourselves. Nothing else can bring us more worse... On the other hand, if it is not meant to be, we should be happy that it happened earlier, better than couple years later, I guess will be even worse with couple more years involved...u know like kids involved things like that. At least we are single, without baggage.....when it comes with kid, would be another story. So you mad a good decision, it was only for your own good. You know it. Do whatever you want, and talk...........just talk........ express yourself as much as you can... try your best to help yourself.. then time will work it out bit by bit........ first, go and get something to eat!!! Here for u. Eva Link to comment
butterflycloud Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 At times I feel as if I have already drowned and that it is merely the reminants of my soul floating around this'god forsaken world'. I literally feel as though I dont belong....I am so consumed by hurt that I feel that death would be a better alternative. I dont have many people to talk to and those I do talk to give me all that unfeeling rubbish of-' time heals all'. What nonsense- Time just seems to rub salt into thw wounds,. Seeing the ex 'moving on' is like a slow and painful death. Sometimes I wish I really could drown....and fade away into the nothingness.....never to be hurt again.... Link to comment
eva1218 Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 well, if you are brave enough, you could try to kill yourself. If not, just keep watching yourself day by day, and you will see a slightly little different after months. This was how I came all the way to today, I was still wanted to pick up the phone to call my ex to hear his voice 2secs ago. But it wouldn't work out, and it will never work out. It's been eight months, I didn't love less, I didn't miss less. But I feel thousand times better than the first month(it doesn't mean I feel good now), life still go on, what can u say? Eva Link to comment
tarheelfan Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 Yes Buba, I would love to know how you are. I thought about you all weekend. I am THREE weeks today out of mine and it STILL hurts. But the hurt is becoming more and more manageable. Link to comment
butterflycloud Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 Thanks Eva... Isnt there some sort of remedy to help you to let go. I cant seem to remember the bad times..they have faded...only the good memories exist. Do you believe the phrase that if you love someone let them go and if they return then it is true love? Should I just let him go and wait to see if he ever returns? Im impatient though...as I said I dont know if he will come back. I think that he he will find someone else. Although I suppose I should bear in mind that assumption is the mother of all &*^%. I would never kill myself...I have my beautiful son to live for..I only wish that I could 'kill' these hurtful feelings and thoughts that keep telling you that ' he never really loved you', 'he'll never come back', 'he'll find someone more beautiful and forget all about you'. Link to comment
buba Posted April 18, 2005 Author Share Posted April 18, 2005 I am glad you care. And you're going through the same pain. He called yesterday. Guilt trip. He is realizing how much he hurt me. He said that I am the most beautiful girl in the world and he cares deeply.. And one day, may be we will still be together. I don't buy it any more. There is no hope for me. I said: "May be one day, when we are both in a relationships we can become friends." And he answered: " May be it could happened before we are in the relationships" What is he trying to do? I said that I am doing fine(LIE!), and I had to go...(I DIDN"T!) He asked me to call anytime and not be a sranger... I think he is confused. What do you think? Just guilt trip? It was nice hearing his voice, he did't sound happy. He even said, he did't sleep till 6am. Gave me no reason why... "Sometime you just couldn't sleep", that's all he said. Now it's 6am. I slept for 6 hours. It's a progress. He is still hunting me in my dreams. Last night I finally had the guts to take my favorite picture of us off the wall. Link to comment
eva1218 Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 butterflycloud, I was insisted not giving up...I couldn't let go, I've tired my best (worst to him probably..keep bothering him..u know, calls..and emails..things like that). Just because I can't accepted that how can someone who used to love u the most, and treated me as a princess...that turned into a stranger to me. It has been a long torture to me, soon will be a year, I had no choice from the beinging, just I didn't accept it, I thought as long as I love him, I can still work on it. In fact, it's not. Eventually, I accepted it. To me, it is so sad that I have to let go this love, I know I would never love someone esle as much as I love him. And time really passed quicker than I thought, everything was still like yesterday. I didn't noticed that haven't seen him more than half year....didn't noticed that we've broke up nearly 9months. Things still so fresh. Sure that you can tell how I feel from my tone, but I do feel a lot better, if I could show you how I was, I would. I don't know the others, some might find me stupid or weak after 8months....finally started NC. But only me know how much I love, so I guess......I don't know how to say, and it is not even matter with does it worth or not. The whole thing is not up to us, if you want to do something, go ahead, nothing to lose. Cause already lost. Me, took 8months to realize that have to let go, and started get use to it. Anyway, you have your son, you have someone to hold on. Mom are always the strongest i think. Sometimes, I thought if we have a kid, I don't have to cut the relationship, at least he's the kid's dad. But I know hopefully we didn't have, if we did...........couldn't even imagine, I would probably kill myself. What a stupid thought. What I'm trying to say it is as simple as that "hang in there'. And you will see how it goes...... all your feeling is so normal......and it will change, wouldn't last forever.....but I don't mean you will be fully recovered(it depends on ppl) after all what've happened even in years. But you will be fine. Link to comment
eva1218 Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 Buba, Well done, took off the pic. It took me much longer to do such an action. I think, you married him. And now divorced. It is really serious as you must know. I believe that will be a slightly little chance for couple who get back together after their divorce. But why did they divorce? Of course we all know, if they really love us, they wouldn't left us the way they did. It's not even matter with how did they leave us. If they love us enough, the whole thing wouldn't happen!! And we would not experiencing the thing we are going(or gone) through right now(or past). Your ex has made it so clear that you two are divorced. I think this is the answer, and should be the end of the story. You can tell him how much you love him, or ask him back...... and you will see how it goes. Just remember why divorced? Why no longer together? Why left you? Friendship things are bull shix!!! Who wants a friendship with them? We got plenty of friends if we WANT. If you think that you've lost him, I meant if you sure that he doesn't love you anymore, YOU LOST HIM. And there's nothing else to lose anymore. From now on, you can only gain things, not lose anymore. If you are not sure about that, then think about why and what've happened.....you know him better than anyone else. We all know it is because of they don't love us anymore, they've left us, that's why we are in this situation, and feel how we feel(felt). Your wound is still so fresh; mind is getting old and less hurt. And yours will get old and less hurt as well. Trust me. Link to comment
buba Posted April 18, 2005 Author Share Posted April 18, 2005 Michelle! You are so right. I am so happy for the fact that all this is behind you now. I feel used. I gave my whole to this man in hopes that love conquers all and he will change. I wander if he would be different if his mom wasn't around to support him in every way. Today is not a good day. Still can't eat. Those damn cigarrettes! One after another! Wanted to go to the beach, turned around and went back home to cry instead. My little dog had really sad look watching me cry. It was qute. It's really gloomy out today, not LA like weather. I will try to go to the Jym later. I have to try. I feel weak. My emotional state became physical. Link to comment
nebbish Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 keep writing! it's a tough road and no one can go there but you but you have inner resources that you can tap and you can make it through. Link to comment
buba Posted April 19, 2005 Author Share Posted April 19, 2005 Thank's nebbish. I am trying but unlike many of you I just can't seem to motivate myself to get out into the world and do things... My thoughts are about him. 24/7. It kills. He sounded pretty guilty and sad yesterday. Life is so unfair. Link to comment
nebbish Posted April 19, 2005 Share Posted April 19, 2005 it is unfair. be glad you don't have kids to see just how unfair life is. have you gone to a doctro/therapist type? Link to comment
buba Posted April 19, 2005 Author Share Posted April 19, 2005 Nebbish, I started seing a therapist, it helps a bit for a day or two. Will see her again tomorrow. I guess I need some meds. I hate meds. Link to comment
michelemybell Posted April 19, 2005 Share Posted April 19, 2005 Hi Buba, I live in SoCal too and yes, the weather was awful and dreary today!! Buba, you are going through the normal stages of a breakup---When I was going through my breakup, there was nothing that motivated me to do anything. I was so depressed and couldn't sleep. I didn't want to do anything. It took quite awhile and a lot of "soul-searching" to get out of the breakup pit. I'm glad that you are doing therapy because that was one thing I regret not doing. Definitely reconnect with friends and family too so you have a lot of support around you. Exercise even if you dont feel like it. I slept a lot and took a lot of hot baths. I watched a lot of motivational breakup movies over and over again (Legally Blonde, Someone Like You, Bridget Jones). You will think of him constantly and that too is normal. You will get through this. Time will make all the difference. And Buba, there was nothing that would've made a difference with this type of guy. He would've driven Mother Theresa crazy and feeling like something was wrong with her. He's immature. Hang in there! Michele Link to comment
nebbish Posted April 19, 2005 Share Posted April 19, 2005 i'm glad you're seeing a therapist. at first it will help only for a day or two. but as you get better the effect will lat longer. the meds won't make everything better but: they will take some of the edge off the pain and they will allow you to sleep regularly and they will help you return to a normal daily routine, all of which will help you pass this guy like you would pass a kidney stone. Link to comment
Sli Posted April 19, 2005 Share Posted April 19, 2005 Hi Buba Just read your whole thread…ouch! that took me back for a moment...there's no pain quite like it. But like everyone else said time will eventually take it all away, ok you'll still remember it happened to you because it leaves that scar on your heart but you'll be happy again…even happier! Right back on page 1 you wrote this.. I am a very good looking, intelligent songwriter Keep telling yourself things like that, your self esteem needs it and even in your desperate state you were still able to write those words…I think you know you are worth more and I think deep down you know you're gonna be ok. Also please use your talent for poetry and songwriting right now; we can all see your artistic and creative mind coming through in your posts. It's amazing how much it helps to explore that creativity… like someone else was saying great art is often inspired by great pain. 1 of the best songs I've ever written (well that everyone seems to rave about anyway) came from somewhere down in those dark depths. It will help you find yourself again. Take care Sli Link to comment
buba Posted April 20, 2005 Author Share Posted April 20, 2005 Saw a therapist today. She said I am not making any progress and was concearned with me. Can't write music. This sadness is not inspirational. Went out to lunch with a friend, British guy at the next table tried to flirt with me. Asked me for my number. I wasn't interested. I smoked a pack of cigarrettes today. Again. My lungs might be black by now... I miss my boy. He is everywhere, in everyone... Where do I hide when the world is full of him? Should I leave the country and go back home? Forever? Link to comment
buba Posted April 20, 2005 Author Share Posted April 20, 2005 Emotional rollercoaster. He called. Was high on weed, He said, that he misses the intimacy we shared. I said, I did too. And than He said that he is trying to get me out of his life. Forever. I said I missed him. He said, I am too clingy. I should be playing hard to get. Why? Why? Why? We are still married, I trusted him and thought when you love someone and marry him, there should be no playing hard to get, it should be the opposite. he got mad, said that I ruined his "High" and he is dating a 20 y. old right now. I am in my 30s. he said it to hurt me. I hate him. I wish I can just get him out of my system. He is like a disease, spreading all over my body. How do I get over this pain? still don't know. Please, help. Link to comment
tarheelfan Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 Buba, God, what to say. He is REALLY confusing me... I can't imagine what he is doing to you. Still CALLING you and telling you those things? Hon I THINK he is messing with your head... bigtime. Link to comment
wishingwell Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 After reading a couple pages of posts, I feel I am in a similar situation. I kept feeling as though I was competing with his mother for his attention and I couldn't win. When we were first together, he did everything for me, but after a couple years, he told me: "if you really love someone, you should be able to know they love you and if you have to be #2, you should know that you aren't and should knowthat you are so important to me... for example if he has to help his parents, I should understand that he broke plans with me but still know he does love me..." Is that right? Link to comment
wishingwell Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 Thanks for that thread. I am really inspired by Buba and all the others who have kept strong ... I'm hoping in time I will be able to tell everyone that I've done it and I've gotten through this. Link to comment
nebbish Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 as difficult as it might seem, viewing him as a disease that is spereading through your body is a step in the right direction. better a disease than the most wonderful thing since sliced bread. diseases can be cured. you get well. you feel miserable and you get over it. you pass the kidney stone. so although you may not quite see it, you're mkaing progress and pulling through. hang in there! Link to comment
michelemybell Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 Hi Buba, Consider your breakup with this man, who would've ultimately destroyed your life, as some kind of divine intervention! Look at it this way---There is someone or something (like a guardian angel) looking after you right now. They dont want you to be unhappy and in a relationship where you are being treated badly. They have intervened and setting you on the right path, away from this guy. You are going to hurt for awhile. That is the price you have to pay temporarily. But you are being directed to a more beautiful, wonderful path where you will be happy and independent. The only way to get there is to go through this pain, because it will help and motivate you to rebuild your life...as long as you make the effort to do so. Please do not drink or take drugs--It will only hinder your progress. Michele Link to comment
buba Posted April 20, 2005 Author Share Posted April 20, 2005 Thank's to all of you. I guess I asked for it. I should of cut off the cords completely a while ago, but conversations with him take me back to square one. I hate myself for being weak. What am I thinking? He is divorcing me! He changed his number! He is dating a 20y.old! He wants me to know that! He is a brutal jerk. I am hurt, depressed and heartbroken. I will have to start taking care of myself before I fall apart. He balloons as I shrink! He will regret. I know, one day he will regret loosing me. I will not pick up that phone again! No matter how much it hurts. Link to comment
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