Help me, I am drowning...

[michelemybell]

If you meet with him, you will learn quick enough if he is playing mind games.

There's a book called Intimate Connections by David Burns and the author basically shows people how to live an independent life in order to attract people. He talks about how someone, like your husband, will give you the runaround, but once you are independent and do your own thing, you can become more desirable and wanted by that person. It sounds exactly what you have been doing...and sure enough, your ex is sniffing around again.

The problem I see in your relationship is that the guy will probably revert back to his ways once you go back to him or express interest in resuming your relationship. That's the struggle with a relationship like this and I'm not sure how to change someone who has this kind of problem. Your ex needs a lot of help--not only in the commitment department, but he has a dependency to drugs and doesn't have stable employment. I would also be very scared to bring children into this kind of unstable situation (that is if you wanted to have children).

I dont know Buba---It's ultimately up to you what you want to do. But from an outside perspective, I wouldn't take that chance unless the guy goes to counseling with you, and seeks help with his drug addiction. A friend of mine actually left her husband who had an alcohol problem. She never looked back. But that gave him enough of a wake up call to seek counseling for his addiction and he stopped drinking for good. Maybe that's what your ex needs--a wake up call from you that you arent coming back.

Anyways, hang in there. You're doing great.

Michele

[michelemybell]

Oh, to answer your question about how long did it take me to get over my ex---I never really got over him, but I moved on with my life and allowed myself to be open to a new relationship. I decided my life was too important to let one guy destroy it. I forced myself to return to school even when I didnt feel like it. I forced myself to do new things and make new friends (and eliminate the ones that brought me down). In a weird way my life is much better because of the experience I had with my ex because it forced me to do things I've been putting off with my life and become independent (I was very reliant on him and his approval). But I have to admit it took a lot of time (and a lot of tears and sleepless nights) to get there!!

He did try to come back about a year ago and I told him to get lost. I found out really quick he hadn't changed.

A lot of things remind me of him, but I've just learned to live with it.

[buba]

Michelle,

I don't think getting back together with me is on his mind...

He is still divorcing me, the thing is, he is not used to not hearing from me for so long(I haven't called in 3 weeks!) and is probably curious to know if I moved on.

i am sure he would like me to stay miserable, waiting for him, begging him to come back.Deep inside I know, we're not meant to be together unless he changes, but ,I guess, it's like a balm to my wounded ego, knowing that he is starting to worry what I am up to this days.

He doesn't know that I was in the dumps, trying to pick up the pieces, smoking a pack of cigarettes a day( new habit that seems to calm my nerves), crying myself to sleep, waking up with a blender in my guts in the middle of the night...

He doesn't know all that, he doesn't have to know.

In fact, he is not coming to LA to especially to see me...

He has to go to court to pay his parking tickets, so why not see me?

I feel really bad for not having the strength to tell him to get lost.

I do love him and it's very unhealthy kind of love. The kind that destroyes

everything 200 miles an hour, the kind where I can probably never be able to trust him again.

He will never give anything to me, but he definitely wants me to love him and settle for crumbs...

Soooo sick.

I am not comfortable with all this.

Don't know how to act when I see him.

Should I just act like I don't care?

Of course I want him to regret his departure, but there is no way I can ever win with him.

Do you think he just wants sex?

I wish I can just move on to something healthy, rage and drugs free but it's hard.Trust me, I tried, but all my attempts failed.

I don't think he will seek counseling, he sees no wrong in himself.

In the same time, during our conversation yesterday he said that he realized how much he has hurt me... But his moods always change like the weather and it's typical for someone who smokes tons of weed.

In my mind I know how wrong it is but my heart is bleeding.

We used to be so close before he got all confused, scared of responsibility and went back to live with mom.

I know, I am pathetic.

You're probably thinking, how could she love such damaged individual?

I am searching for those answers myself.

Please, give me some hints, you guys have been a great help.

Thank you.

[nebbish]

hang tough. sounds like you're doing better than he is. don't let yourself become a booty call for him when he is in la. grown men don't have their moms do their heavy lifting for them.

[Hope75]

Hi Buba,

 

Well, his own mother who is a functioning alcoholic and a gambler thinks that weed is not a problem and supports his addiction.

That's why he is more comfortable there.

When we were dating and he was smoking a lot of pot , I dumped him and said I wasn't happy seing him either stoned out of his brains or angry when he wasn't.

After two weeks of N/C he called crying and told me how much he loves me and he is quitting cold turkey if I give him another chance.

I took him back and married him a few months later.

It lasted two months before he started smoking again...

loosing job after job, getting into raging fights with his boss...

Running to mama who defended him.

 

Well this guy sounds so much like my ex who I lived with for 5 years who was an alcoholic and marijuana addict. He was such a jerk when he wasn't stoned it was unbelievable. I know how you can fall in love with someone like this, I did it too. Don't kick yourself for what you've done already. There isn't anything you can do to change it and it isn't productive to dwell on it and beat yourself up over it.

 

I think the important thing, what you do have control over, is whether or not you see him again when he comes to pay his parking tickets.

 

Why are you agreeing to see him? What purpose to you think it will serve? You already know he is not good for you and that he is irresponsible and only cares about himself and what he wants, I think seeing him is a very bad idea.

 

You have been so strong in not contacting him so far, I think if you see him you are only going to set yourself back farther and get hurt even more. He has no interest in changing and by you holding onto hope that if he does change you can take him back is going to prevent you from moving on. He has proved to you already that he won't stop smoking. It's his life. If I had a nickel for every time my ex swore up and down he would quit I would own this site by now. When they are addicted like this it is almost impossible for them to change and you would be wasting valuable time waiting around to see if it ever happens. (which 99% of the time it doesn't)

 

Your best move is to let him go for good, and chalk it up to a lesson you had to learn, but that you realize you need to watch out for YOU now and that means no toxic men!

[Yohji]

Buba...in a way through all of this, you are helping all of us by sharing your pain. I am not alone. We are not alone. For those of us that suffer the heart; we are all in this together. And in some way, reading your story reinforces this sentiment and i feel closer... stronger. Thank you.

 

If I may...

 

Your ex is not ready for a commited relationship. Wasnt in the past and wont be in the immediate future. So you complained a little, wanted a little more, expected a little more. So what?!? Thats nothing a commited man gets worked up over so fresh into the relationship. His weakness is revealed by his indecision; by his careless tug at your heart even in the face of losing everything. He still thinks he is in a game, playing to win...when the game ended long ago...Dont go back and play with him. Dont make the same mistake again. He will grow up oneday and maybe then you can consider...if you want it.

[buba]

Thank you, guys for your loving support and understanding.

You're right telling me that I shouldn't see him...

For some silly reason, today I felt great!

I had a great day and he wasn't on my mind at all...

I guess, knowing that he is sniffing around, wandering what I am doing is making me stronger and it's a good thing for my healing.

I am not calling him and I will not call ever again.

If I find the strength to not see him, I will.

It's hard. If I agree to see him, how should I act?

I hate to be "Fake". I guess, it's part of the game.

Remembering his words "I love you sooooo much, you will be the death of me..."

Fake. I know. He is married to his addiction and had an affair with me.

Isn't it so?

But I am much better, compare to my first posts,-way better.

I am starting to see things clearly.

The abuse, lies, selfishness.

You're so right! N/C does wanders. It's like waking up from a slumber.

I don't know how to make it last just yet.

I wish I could just see him and be turned off by him completely.

That would of been great.

I am so scared to be back in the dumps.

That was someone I thought I'll spend the rest of my life with...

[buba]

I really need to share..

He just called me and said;

"Sweetie, I don't think I can make it on Thursday, some things came up and I need to take care of them...

can I ask for a raincheck? Would it be O.K?"

And I said;

" What is it that you want from me? what are you doing?

I don't think it's a good idea to see you.

I am doing much better now, as you noticed, I am not calling you any longer and I am moving on...I am living my life.

You want to see me so you can hurt me some more?

Well, it's not going to happened any longer.

You should move on and see other people and I don't wan't to be one of many. So, please, move on and stop calling here.

What is it that you really want from me now that you're divorcing me?"

And he said "may be one day you'll understand, right now I can't explain..."

I said Bye.

I feel like a complete fool. I let him do this to me again...

Manipulate.

Rain Check?

F**K him!

It hurts like hell again.

No, he wan't have the luxury of having me waiting for him!

Where do I get the strength?

I am sure he is bothered by me not calling him at all, trying to find ways to hurt me...

Such cruel freak!

Sorry for being mad. I am mad! I should of never picked up that phone!

It ruined my evening, I cancelled my plans, made myself a drink and will be crying and drinking for the rest of the night.

He did it again. I knew it was coming...

I am a mess.Please, Forgive me for going on and on ... This is the only place I can be understood.

I should just shut up and realize, that I am not loved or wanted.

I feel like a failure. I am a meanigless mistake.

And it hurts soo much.

I feel ugly.

[brando]

your not a failure. Please do not think that. I understand what you mean when you say you hate being fake, part of the game.

 

You are hurt, that is all.

 

You are not unwanted, you are not ugly. All this negative self talk is killing you. I did it to myself for so long, and it is a challenge to turn it off.

 

I feel your pain, because i went through a divorce as well. It didint matter what i wanted, it was what she wanted. And if she didnt want to be with me, for the life of me i couldnt figure out why i still wanted to be with her.

 

I dont understand what he is doing... but if i could ask, has thier been any legal action taken??

 

Start taking care of you, dont run to the phone if you know he is calling, this is not a game, but you need to get your emotions in check. This is all about healing, and getting to know yourself again.

 

You will always have you, family, and a God of your understanding.

 

Stay strong, feel your feelings, dont try to intellectualize them, they will hurt, but they will pass. They wont kill you.

 

Acceptance is the best advice i can offer. No judgements on any of it, just accept it.

 

Be well.

[thisisnotanexit]

you are NOT a failure. you're certainly not meaningless or ugly! he's a manipulator. i'm so sorry he's putting you through this. this is NOT your fault. you're doing such a great job. this is tough, but you're doing so well. don't worry about this. keep being strong, one day you WILL be over this. you will meet someone who aappreciates the amazing person you are. we're all here for you. you are NOT a failure. hang in there...and please try to stay away from the alcohol. it's not the answer. if you do drink, don't drive or anything like that. if you have to, throw the stuff away or just get rid of it somehow. get some people in your life right now who can keep you company and help you if you can. take care, hang in there!

 

link removed

[thisisnotanexit]

youre always welcome here, we're all here for you. keep talking to us. don't give up, feel free to msg any of us. we want to help you through this, because i believe in you. you're so strong and i admire that.

[nebbish]

buba, once again, you handled it better than any of us could have scripted here.

 

no one said not to be angry: you are and you have a right ot be. but you're not all hurt and mopey any more, either. you do have the strength you are using it and you did great.

 

failure? not unless you spell it s-u-c-c-e-s-s.

 

you're doing great and not grovelling. keep up the good work.

 

remember us at the emmys.

[buba]

Thhank you guys once again.

Woke up at 6A.M and took my puppy for an hour long hike up the Hollywood Hills. It helped.

Still wandering, why would he give me his new phone number and tell me that he doesn't have anyone?

And than asked for a raincheck?

Did I do the right thing by telling him off?

Or was it better to agree to meet at a later date?

All this is making me sick.

I pray every day for this emotional death to leave my body.

I read a lot of posts and find some comfort in realizing, I am not alone.

But I am not calling.

No way.

Even if it means I will never recover.

Some people are just selfish, cruel and immature...

And we love them anyway.

It sux.

The only reason I was able to not call him in almost 4 weeks is you guys.

I am sure I would of still begged him to come back if I didn't find this forum.

But you are keeping me from doing it. Thank you so much.

[Hope75]

HI Buba,

 

Don't meet up with him. Stay away from him. He just keeps jerking your chain and keeps hurting you and setting you back. You are not going to get what you want and it's like ripping off a scab over a wound every time you talk to him or see him, and if you keep doing that the wound will never heal.

 

Keep talking to us, keep pouring out your feelings, and erase his phone # and don't answer if he calls. Ignore Ignore Ignore. The longer you stay away from him the stronger you will feel.

 

Don't ever let him make you feel ugly.

[michelemybell]

Hi Buba,

He is playing the classic "ambivalent man" games. He cant figure out if he's into you or not--Sometimes he is. Sometimes he isn't. And it keeps you hooked and wondering what it is all about.

It took me a long time after my relationship ended to understand this: It's not about you! He probably had a lot of problems coming into the relationship. When he met you and got married, he probably thought he would miraculously change, but after the initial glow (and the distraction) of the relationship wore off, he was left with himself again and all his problems.He may think getting into a new relationship or finding an escape might change things, which they wont. He'll be left with the same problems again. And he runs to his mom for a safe place to hide from the world and facing up to adult responsibilities.

You are playing it smart. I highly recommend the book by author Rhonda Findling called "Dont Call That Man". It's about a man like your ex giving you the runaround and playing these mind games and how to do NO CONTACT successfully.

Hang in there girl!

Michele

[nebbish]

you did the absolute correct thing to tell him off. unambiguosly.

 

don't thank us. mention us in your emmys acceptance speech. that will be enough.

[buba]

Thank you guys.

I can't thank you enough...

I will not call him, will not answer his calls, I promise.

I will rise from the dead and fly again, high above the common ground he is restricted to...

I met someone tonight at my friends dinner party. He was very kind.

I liked our conversation.

For the first time in 6months I thought, there is hope for me.

He is not as hot as my ex, but his kindness made me feel somewhat comfortable and somewhat special.

He wants to see me again.

I will consider seeng him.

I might hate it, but what if I don't?

Should I agree to see him? Is it too early?

Whatever helps, I just want out of this mess!

Now!

Sooo sick of waiting for something that's not going to come my way.

[nebbish]

there probably is a trade off between being nice and being hot. the new guy could be a useful rebound relationship for you but don't expect too much and make sure he knows your own status.

 

and at that point you should start another thread not about drowning but about learning to swim again.

 

and don't forget us when you get your emmy.

[eva1218]

Buba,

 

If you u had a ok time with that guy, just go and see him again.

I think it would help....

Doesn't matter if anything will happen between u two, just to get ur mind out of ur ex....

 

Now I wish I had accepted that guy's invitation...I was so insisted not to go that he even asked if i am married. Well, he doesn't show up anymore afterwards. And I really don't know what way I can get my head out of my ex. Crap.......

 

what do u think?

 

Eva

[Hope75]

Buba,

 

I agree that it would be OK to see the new guy, just be honest with him about your status and situation and let him know what he can expect from you, and if right now all that is is friendship that's OK. If he is as nice as you say he will accept that.

 

The main thing is that you know you are desirable and that you will meet other people, life doesn't just stop after you have a breakup, contrary to what we've all felt at one time or another.

 

Go out and have a good time. Let a guy be nice to you for once.

[buba]

THank you all for replying...

It's like he feels something is going on.

He just called and apologized for asking me for a raincheck a few days ago.

He said his car has broken down and there for he was irritable.

He asked me how I was, sounded confused...

Complained about money situation(what's new?), had to put all of his money into his car repair.

I said, that I wish things will work out for the best and he was curious what i was doing tonight...

I said, I am going to dinner with friends and he started getting all pissed, saying going on dates! I know!"

and I said what if I am?"

I heard his mother screaming at her cat at the background, swearing like a truck driver, and I felt content,that I wasn't around this yelling, screaming, messed up lady. 4weeks of N/C on my part did work.

He said know, I've hurt you, do you think it's easy for me?

i think about you all the time!"

I said that I don't want to get into it and totally respect his decision to get a divorce, for I think he has a lot of growing up to do, and that he is not a marrige material anyway, so I was actually glad he is divorcing me, so I can meet someone who will be able to respect me and give something back...

He got irritated, blamed me for everything, started getting loud and I said:

"If you called to scream at me, I am hanging up the phone."

I felt sorry for him, I realized he hasn't changed.

It's still the old, angry, raging him.

He wants to meet next week.

I said, we'll see. May be.

I don't even know if I want him back nin my life as he is now...

Angry, addicted, living at mothers...

It's today. What will be tomorrow, God only knows.

But I know one thing... He is confused, scared, but he is definitely not over me.

He is just a Looser and I happened to love him.

I will continue N/C.

It works best for me.

Do you think I did the right thing?

[thisisnotanexit]

you most certainly did the right thing

 

i am so proud of you - you have made SO much progress and it shows. that's awesome. continue to not call and you're right, you will meet someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. hang in there!

[eva1218]

Buba,

 

"YEAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

 

I'm so happy for you.

 

Eva

[Hope75]

I said that I don't want to get into it and totally respect his decision to get a divorce, for I think he has a lot of growing up to do, and that he is not a marrige material anyway, so I was actually glad he is divorcing me, so I can meet someone who will be able to respect me and give something back...

He got irritated, blamed me for everything, started getting loud and I said:

"If you called to scream at me, I am hanging up the phone."

 

Buba,

 

Very nice! You couldn't have executed this any better if you had scripted it in advance. Now, why did you answer the phone?

 

Are you going to meet with him next week?

 

Don't do it!

 

What does he have to offer you?

 

The answer is NOTHING. All he has done is hurt and confuse you and he's still doing that, as long as you let him. Be strong, don't let him make you a victim!

 

GO GIRL!!!

[buba]

Thank's Hope.

I always appreciate your advice.

First of all, I am sure, something will come up again and he will get scared to see me.

It's just words.

I don't think he has the guts...

Why do I wan't to see him?

Still miss him, I guess.

I have been playing this don't care" game for a month now, and it's been very hard.

I think, he misses me, but he is to messed up to admit it, plus the controlling mother, etc...

God knows why I want to see him.

It's not going to be good, I know. And I am afraid he will hurt me again, it's just seems to be his way.

He is freaking now that I am not calling, begging him to come back.

I congratulate myself on being able to do N/C, it works.

I was ridiculous in the beginning, crying, begging him to change his mind and give us another try.

N/C made me realize, it wasn't my fault.

It's him. In a way it's nice to have some piece of mind now... Nobody is screaming, blaming, insulting, throwing temper tantrums.

I am in love with the idea of what he could of been...

Not real him. It's soooo sad that he crushed my reality and my dream of having a wonderful , loving family.

I wander if he will ever be able to change.

He took my love for granted, I let him walk all over me.

I want to see him with different eyes, knowing that there is no future...

I want him to taste my indifference, even if I have to fake it.

I hate faking things as I mentioned earlier, but this time I wan't to see if he will regret loosing me.

It might be childish of me. I have no clue.

All I know is that I miss our good times, they start to vanish in my mind.

I don't hate him. He is on drugs, he has a sick MIND, his mind is clouded with fears, insecurities, anger, probably even regrets by now.

I am learning to to be alone again.

I wish he loved me enough to wake up and get help.

It's never going to happened.

I don't know how to act if I see him.

Any ideas?