Help me, I am drowning...

[Dakota6560]

Hey buba, you are not the one with the problem. You are the one looking for resolution and peace inside your heart. As for thinking of him constantly, it happens. It is something we are all dealing with but we must realize that this pain will go away. Whether it takes a couple of months or maybe more. It will go away. All we can do for right now is continue to live our life. I saw on somebodies profile they had a quote. Add life to your days not days to your life. Buba, if you have the chance to do something do it! Don't just stay home experience as much as you can. Go out and meet different people and just interact. We need to enjoy the time we have and not let one person dictate how we feel today. The only one who can dictate that is you. Happiness is within and meeting someone should just be an extension of that. Go to Mexico, enjoy the warm rays on your face heck go snorkeling or something! Just don't drink the water!! (lil' joke because I live on the Border TEX-MEX)

[Hope75]

Going to AA meetings makes me feel like I am the one with a problem, while he is sitting there, waisting away in drug

 

You are the one who recognizes that substance abuse is not acceptable and not a way to handle your problems. You are being brave and strong and taking steps to correct the problem and be healthy for you.

 

Just because he chooses to continue to abuse drugs and drink doesn't mean you should feel sad. He is a grown man who is responsible for his own actions, even if he is still living at home with Mommy.

 

Be brave. Keep it up. You are strong and you are doing great!

[buba]

Hope, your words are always an inspiration...

Thank you.

[thisisnotanexit]

you are doing so well

i'm really proud of you

 

i can't believe how mature you are, and i can't believe the progress yo'uve made. you will have bad days, but one day soon you will be ove rhim and you will move and be happy. you will love again. hang in there, we're here for ya

[nebbish]

buba, you're making great progress.

 

as for never finding anyone else: i remember when you posted a link (since removed) to your website. i've seen yourpictures and from your postings sort of know your personality. i seriously doubt you will go through the rest of your life alone.

 

the aa gives you strength as much as just talking wiht people who understand as for anything to do with drinking.

 

you'll probably always have some scar from this but you'll get past it. look at the progress you've already made!

 

i didn't know you had called the cops on himn six months ago. was it a domestic violence call? if so, that should have been a signal first, for you to dump him, and second, the relationship couldn't have been as wonderful as you remember it (things always get rodier after they're over).

 

you're doing so much better. your future is in front of you andonly a loser behind you.

[buba]

It's strange, but I am not getting any better...

Today was another sad day.

My depression is deep.

Went to lunch with my girlfriend and wanted to run home and cry.

After a few hours of crying I called him and left an angry message just to make things worse. Hate myself for being weak.

I am starting to question my sanity.

I feel ugly and unwanted.

I used to feel beautiful, confident and talented.

I feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life, noone will ever love me and I will die loving him.

I know how distractive and brutal he is, but my heart just wan't listen...

I think, I am going crazy.

I just want my man back. I never missed anyone like this, never loved anyone like this, never knew of such pain.

I just want to stay inside and never talk to anyone.

I have no desire to move on, live, breathe, smile...

I am a busket case and my life is worthless.

I just want my man back.

It's sick. Was thinking about ending my life again. Every day is torture, I hate the pain, I an tired to live this nightmare.

I wish I never called him. Why can't I learn? What's wrong with me?

[nebbish]

well, actually, there's nothing wrong with you. you're normal.

 

you have a lot of self doubt. that's normal too.

 

probably not the best thing to have called him, but guss what? now you've done it and you can't undo. so try to hang on to the feeling of how you feel after you called him: the self hatred, the feeling stupid. go ahead, feel it for a second... now remember that, and the next time you wantto call him or have anything to do with him, rememebr that feeling and try to get in touch with it. the burned hand teaches best...

 

killing yourself would only make him feel better. he would be at yor funeral gettign sympathy from people who just didn't understand how crazy you really were... or he would be thinking, see, she couldn't live without me-- damn i'm good-- and i doubt you want either of these things to happen. the worst thing you can do to him is to get on with your life and not let temporary setbacks fester.

 

you'll have bad days about him for months and maybe (but hopefully not) years. accept that and try not to let the bad days make you lose sight of the progress you made.

 

question: what did you call the police for about him?

[buba]

Nebbish, I called the police over 6 months ago, when he had one of his raging episodes, screaming at me treatening me, raising his fists, saying things like" I am getting ready to shove this fist down your throat!" then he threw his wedding ring and broke a huge mirror on the wall.

I locked myself in the bedroom and he started breaking the door.

I got scared, for he can't control his rage.

They arrived shortly and made him leave, I insisted they don't arrest him or anything...

Ever since he is punishing me and brings it up every time he is mad at me. I got served with divorce shortly after.

his mother thinks I am Evil for calling police on her son for he is perfect.

His abuse escalated when he went back to his addiction and I was there to tell him that I was not happy about it.

Sometimes I was cornered in the closet with him blocking my way,pushing me, yelling at me and I remember that awful feeling of being scared.

As I mentioned earlier, he was the sweetest guy to the rest of the world...

All this took place behind closed doors.

He was also the sweetest guy to me when he choose to be.

Noone knew until I called the cops. And then all the neighbors saw him outside the house handcuffed.

He was devastated, went back to mama and never came back.

I became this dangerous creature that will put him to jail one day.

I became the monster, the crazy one.

I know, it's not nice to call the cops on someone you love, but I was really scared, I thought he was gonna kill me that day.

His punishment is brutal, I think he got back together with me for a few days just to punish me once more, hurt me once more...

It never seems to be enough for him.

Instead of learning something from this, he became even more hateful, emoionally abusive and brutally cold.

He will never forgive.

Why did I forgave him for all the abuse I suffered?

Cause I knew, how wonderful he could be, when he chooses to be.

How sweet and caring he was at the beginning.

How special he made me feel before all this drugged out anger took place.

Before he went back to his old ways.

[nebbish]

good gosh, buba, this guy is a criminal.

 

instead of balming you for calling the police he should be grateful you didn't press charges and send him away to work on a chain gang for a while.

 

there's nothing wrong with you; he has only persuaded you that there is. he has gaslighted you-- ask your counselor what gaslighting is if you don't know.

 

rationally-- and i know you feel the same way-- what do you have any feelings for him other than contempt?

 

irrationally-- and i've been in a situation (more than one) where my heart unfortunately ruled my head-- you luuuuuv him and you thinkit was all wooooonderful and if oooooonly he would come back.....

 

but do you want to go through the rest of your life fearing that the man you love is going to bust down your closet door?

 

not only has this thug physically roughed you up he's also turned you inside out emtionally.

 

in light of all this it may not have been so bad for you to have left an angry message for him.

 

anyway, i hope im not being too forward to say here that you're very attractive and you will have no trouble attracting men when you want to.

 

just don't pick another violent offender.

 

hang inthere-- you're doing better every day.

[Hope75]

buba,

 

I just read through your recent posts and I was frightened for you. My ex who addicted to weed had a temper like this too while under the influence, it was terrifying. You don't want to live that way. You don't want to constantly wonder if and when he is going to clean up his act. My guy was the nicest guy too when he wasn't using, but that isn't good enough.

 

You are feeling lonely now, and having a bad couple of days, but like nebbish has said, those will come and go for awhile. Feeling lonely for him is not enough of a reason to take someone like this back. He hasn't changed, and it doesn't sound like he is anywhere near ready to.

 

Buba, have you considered or attended counselling? I really think you should. When someone goes through and then gets out of a traumatic relationship like this, they really need to have the advice and support of a professional. I think it would benefit you alot.

 

Please think about it. It would be a grave mistake to take this guy back. You are a strong, compassionate, beautiful women inside and out and you deserve so much for then a wasted, abusive, deadbeat pothead who can't get his act together and who raised his hands to his wife, who he is supposed to love, honor and cherish. This is not love.

[thisisnotanexit]

well i think you just covered exactly why you should not want this monster back. you call that love? a relationship? that's just sick and sad. i don't mean to be hurtful, i'm just trying to be honest. you are SO much better off. it's not going to be hard for you to find someone better than him. please, stay away from him if you can. you don't deserve that, no one does. hang in there

[buba]

Thank you guys for your support.

I know that this marriage left me scarred and emotionally unstable.

I know, I deserve better.

I will start N/C again and I will try to not break it.

Yesterday's phone call to him makes me feel like a total wreck.

I feel ashamed of myself.

I am sure he is thrilled. That's exactly what he wants.

Seing me unhappy makes him feel great.

It's just sad reality.

Some people like to hurt others, they are indifferent, ignorant, brutal human beings.

I got to work on my codependency.

Now I know, I meant nothing to him.

After being in the abusive marriage and trying to make things work, I see how blind I was. This is why my days are filled with grief.

I am starting complete N/C and it will be hard, but I will post here if I'll feel like braking it.

Promise.

[Hope75]

buba,

 

A big step in being able to heal from this and move on with your life is to forgive yourself first.

 

No one asks to be treated this way. No one asks to fall in love with someone who has an addiction problem. You are a victim here too.

 

You know how toxic he is for you now, and you need to forgive yourself for allowing him to treat you this way, that is the only mistake you made.

 

You are very strong, and I have alot of faith that you are going to be able to walk away from this a better and wiser person.

 

Hang in there!

[thisisnotanexit]

believe me, you're not alone. relationships are complex, tricky things. the important thing now is to see how you can move ahead from it. and i know you can. you will be happy again and you will find someone better. take care, we're here for you

[Dakota6560]

Buba, I am truly sorry to hear you are going through all this. I know it is tough and I do think NC would be the best for you . Maybe you should write everything bad he has done to you and whenever you want to contact him read it and it will help you stay away from him. I also hate to hear you doubting yourself. The more we tell ourselves the more we believe it. You need to heal yourself Bubba. Find peace within and that starts by reminding yourself of all the wonderful things you posses. This will help. I had been in a depressed spiral from a young lady for six years and I have finally realized I needed to change. Everyone can tell you that you are wonderful and great but unless you don't believe it it you will never change. Please try to think positive of yourself. Write this down as well and look at it every day. Be strong

[nebbish]

i'm going to depart from the conventional wisdom, bub-- the more i thought about your phone call-- have you ever just told him that stuff before? i guess in the heat of an argument before he terrified you, maybe, but from your safe position now? if this is the first time from safety you have confronted him about how you really feel and what he has done, i'm going to say that it might be a permitted exception to n/c under all the circumstances-- but now you've dont it and gotten it out of your system.

 

are you still seeing a counselor? hand in there...

 

how's the singing business?

[buba]

Nebbish, it was a long ugly message...

I just spit it out, told him what a looser, junkie, irresponsible mama's boy he was and how badly he treated me, told him that I was nothing more than his "Sugar mama",caretaker, bill payer, how greedy and selfish he is and how no woman deserves to be treated like this.

I also told him that in 20 years from now he'll still be a stoner,hiding under his mama's skirt, escaping reality.

I was angry, it's almost like he was talking through me...

I do feel ashamed for doing this.

It' s just pathetic. I used his tactics. I even sounded like him.

May be I did it to make matters worse, may be it was my closure cause I am really tired of his mindgames and I wanted him to know that I will not be availible any longer. God knows why.

I am very tired to live this kind of life.

Betrayal is hard to take.

May be being mad is better than being sad and waiting for his calls.

I am just fed up.

I am sure he thinks I am crazy.

But I don't care what he thinks.

This was one sick relationship.

I think, his emotional cruelty made me really angry and bitter.

I don't want to be a victim any longer.

I wish that one day he will get it all back.

Once again, I really miss being loved and respected.

[Hope75]

buba,

 

You have to go through a phase of anger in order to get to healing, and you should! You have alot of reason to get angry, your ex treated you very poorly and you did not deserve it.

 

As someone posted earlier, it was good for you to get it out in a safe way for you (i.e. over the phone without any threat or him hurting you). I think it was good that you were able to say those things, and he needed to hear them.

 

Don't you worry about it. You have been very strong and very amazing though this whole thing, and you were perfectly entitiled to get angry.

[buba]

Thank's Hope.

It's a relief.

I am glad you don't think I am crazy for doing this.

I am sure, him and his mama will work on the master plan to punish me back.

Probably will save my message and use it to get a restraining order against me or something.

It's just not his style to let go, he needs to have the last word. Always.

And it better be brutal.

I don't really care.

Last night I went out on a date with a nice, kind man.

He has a life,a career, a house, his mama lives in a different state, and I felt like an alien, like I don't belong....

He likes me,he thinks I am beautiful, he is polite, a great listener...

I kissed him good night when he walked me home and he is not a good kisser at all. It sort of turned me off.

The Looser was a great kisser and a great lover.

Here I go.

[nebbish]

ok buba, even accepting everything you say about your message, i STILL think it was ok for you to do that. instead of beating yourself up over it you should be proud that you had the courage to do it.

 

it's not seomthing you should do every day, or even more than once (maybe). but having done it, and like you said, he probably needed to hear this stuff anyway--

 

so you're doing fine. you're an example to dozens of other posters out there. you're hanging in there you're making progress...

 

you're not mad, you just think you are, which is his doing-- a bruise just as much as if he had blackened your eye-- so you're not, you're sane. angry mad, probably, but not insane mad.

 

you go girl.

[Hope75]

he has a life,a career, a house, his mama lives in a different state, and I felt like an alien, like I don't belong....

He likes me,he thinks I am beautiful, he is polite, a great listener...

I kissed him good night when he walked me home and he is not a good kisser at all. It sort of turned me off.

The Looser was a great kisser and a great lover.

Here I go.

 

You are not going to be able to compare everyone to your ex. The guy sounds nice, it could have been nerves, but regardless, maybe you are not ready to date yet.

 

These things take time, don't force yourself to do anything you don't want to do or dont feel ready for.

 

Hang in there, buba, you are an inspiration to us all!

[nebbish]

and it's a good thing you're going out on dates. you're not going to find a new relationship quickly so don't worry about it. at least you're circulating, it's not surprising you found someone who thinks you're beautiful.

 

you could probably benefit from a fling, a self esteem fling. just disclose where you are emotionally ahead of time and don't fall in love to replace the criminal.

 

i think kant said in the context of women, but it would apply equally in your case as to men, that nothing takes your mind off one woman more than another woman. if it wasn't kant it was some other nineteenth century european type, but i think it was kant after all. he wasn't critiqueing pure reason all the time!

 

but before you can be happy with someone else long term you have to be happy with yourself. that's probably a mlore important task for you than getting past your ended marriage to a violent criminal.

[michelemybell]

Hi Buba and Everyone, I'm just catching up with the posts from the last couple days.

Buba, you're getting a lot of great advice here!

I am soooo proud of you for speaking up to him. I think sometimes women feel guilty for telling someone off and not being "nice", even when that person can step all over them and do whatever they want. Who cares what him and his friends and his mama thinks. You should be proud of yourself. Never, ever feel bad for telling off someone who deserves it (and yes, he deserves it!). He may finally see the light---that his actions has cost him the best thing that ever happened to him.

Sometimes meeting someone new can take your mind off things. For me, it did not work that way. I compared everyone to my ex. It took some "alone" time to get back out there and accept a wonderful man into my life.

I read that there is a connection between being with an unattainable bad boy and good sex. Somehow in a woman's mind, it's not as fun to kiss or whatever with someone who they know is reliable, nice and obtainable. Anyways, maybe it is too soon to have affectionate feelings with someone else, or maybe you dont really like this nice man in a romantic way. That is okay. Just really try to take care of yourself right now.

Michele

[buba]

As always, thank you for wonderful advice.

Get's me through the day.

I am trying my best to not obsess over him any longer...

Thoughts are like desperate thieves, crawling into my mind...

But I am trying to stay strong.

We have a music video together, one of the songs I wrote.

We are so in love and he is amazing on the screen. There are a lot of kissing and hugging on the beautiful beach.

Had to see it yesterday, I wanted so much for him to be that boy from my video.

Loving, sweet, gorgeous.

It was my dream, I made him up, it wasn't real.

If I only knew it will turn out to be such a disaster, such ugly, painful wreck...

[nebbish]

your thoughts might be thieves but so far they are nonviolent ones. your ex is a criminal and a potentially violent one at that.

 

if i had known about the issues of physical violence i think i would have been a lot more emphatic about you gettin ghim out of your system and not having anything to do with him.

 

but the call you made was probably a good thing, so what do i know?

 

just remember us when you get your grammpy or whatever the heck award you're gonna win will be. or how about a mention on your next cd?