Help me, I am drowning...

[sadgirl_april]

You are in love. That's why you give in to the lust. He wants to be with you for the rest of his life, but he just divorced you. So you are willing to be dating him for the rest of your life?

I understand how you felt though. Just I have to say what I think.

 

When I read other people's posts, I feel they are weak. When I face my ex, I am weak too. Love sucks.

[shadowane]

its easy to judge or say somethng whenyour looking from the outside into something that doesnt involve you and another matter entirely when it does involve you.

 

I can say in this one... it sounds like hes just trying to use you. The best thing to do would to say no, if you dont want a wife in me then why do you want a girlfriend in me?

[buba]

I understand what you're saying...

He said that he want's to prove to me that he could be that man...

He is now working, making good money, he is saying he would like to repair things. Yet, nothing specific...

May be I should just let him figure it out, not push him.

I do feel amasing when we're together, I guess it's just my cross to bear...

I can't tell him to get lost. Even though I see his addiction as illness( he now smokes more pot than he ever did) It saddens me to see him fall.

I see his fears, his insecurities, his confusion.

It's almost like loving a mentally disturbed person, asking him for a change will make him even more rebellious. I didn't even go there.

He was a horrible husband anyway(I was a breadwinner). But I can't help myself. What if he'll wake up one day and change?

Nonesense... I know.

Being an artist ,-I need to love, even if it's torturous and unfair.

I know, I can't be with someone just because he is good to me. I need to love and as sad as it is, I love him and it sucks.

You're right. He might be using me. God knows.

Such is my life. Waiting to hear his voice again.

But it doesn't hurt like a month ago, cause I know, he will be back. Am I weak? Of course I am. Pathetic.

Sorry guys.

[bittersweetly healed]

ah, so thats where you disappeared to, buba. part of me is so incredibly happy for you, and the other part does not want to see you hurt again. if u get hurt again this time which i pray you dont, u'll be back to where u started. but..lately i find myself wanting to contact my ex with forlorn hopes that he might be pleasant...i have blocked him from contacting me online and he has been going on other screen names to check up on me and even put a stupid message to me in his profile saying "block me or don't." now im not exactly sure wat that means but one day i was doing something with my privacy preferences and i had "allow all" selected b/c i was figuring something out on my buddylist. naturally that meant that all people whos buddylists i was on would be able to see that i was online momentarily including my ex. he took this personally thinking i was messing around blocking him and unblocking him but things i was doing wasnt even connected to him. i feel as tho that statement was an attempt to say "dont block me" as he shows signs he might want lines open for communication. its confusing and very childish i know but it still bothers me. today he went on one of his old screen names that i forgot about thereforeeee didnt block it, and it was weird. in the days following the breakup we talked normally online, but i got fed up n jus blocked him for good. could he actually already be showing signs of regret?

[nebbish]

has he stopped the divorce proceedings?

[buba]

Nebbish, No he hasn't stopped the proseedings.

I am a fool.

Sometimes I don't know what I am doing...

Someone told me on this forum day he wants you, one day he doesn't...'

I know, there is nothing to get really exited about.

I know, I have to stop this insanity.

But it hurts so much more when I don't see him or talk to him at all.

What If I keep on seing him but keep my eyes open to other possibilities?

I think it might work better this way.

Confused.

[bittersweetly healed]

is anybody reading my posts? im goin a lil nuts peez help

[thisisnotanexit]

buba,

if you stay with him, while he treats you like crap, just because of the way it makes you feel now...youll never be able to meet someone who does treat you the right way. THERE ARE BETTER PEOPLE OUT THERE. you've got to get some closure from this person. you will get over him, just allow yourself to. don't keep going back every time he gets lonely. i know this is easier said than done, we jsut all know what a wonderful person you are, and we know you could do so much better.

[michelemybell]

Bittersweet, You sound like an awesome girl. Why are you wasting your precious life trying to figure out this guy? It sounds like games to me. You can be doing something soooo much more useful and valuable with your time than trying to figure out what each and every action this guy makes means. He sounds like a guy who is very confused. He will probably have regrets, but dont you waste your time waiting around for it. You dont want to end up like those old haggard women who sat around most of their lives waiting for some fool, and now they have nothing to show for it except wrinkles and broken dreams. I'm sorry if I'm sounding kinda harsh, but I think you have so much more potential and value to your life than this guy.

And Buba, the same goes for you. You seem extremely dependent on this guy, and everyone on this board has learned the hard way that you can't rely on someone else to give you a life, to give you happiness. You're like a puppet--When this guy is around and pulling your strings you have life and can do things. When he is gone, you are lifeless. This is no way to live a life and is dangerous. I understand the draw that this kind of relationship can have--I was in the same situation myself. But I also saw the other side, free from the chaos and mess of a dependent and destructive relationship. If it were me, I would not take a chance with a guy like this unless he seriously straightens his life up (consistent employment, no drugs, can support and take care of himself outside of his mom). Until then, I would stay away. And I would definitely seek counseling about dependency and co-dependent relationships.

I wish you all the best Buba. I think you are right---this wont be the end of your saga with your ex. Just remember that your life is ticking by...

Michele

[bittersweetly healed]

michele,

thanks very much for your advice, you are one of the first people to point it out to me that way and made me realize i dont give myself enough credit. if i go about my life, good things will come especially if i think positive and treat myself well. again, thanks for taking the time to talk. i really like this site it helps so much.

--ashli

[nebbish]

if he hasn't stopped the divorce proceedings that should tell you more and more loudly than anything what his real intentions are.

 

are you familiar with the saying "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

 

everyone here has probably done something like what you did, and i suspect that we would all agree that it was a rleief in the short term but nothing good came of it.

 

as long as he doesn't call off the legal proceedings you're deceiving yourself and he's deceiving you. people don't pay lawyers to dissolve bonds with people they love or plan long term futures with. every dollar he pays his lawyer shouts what he thinks about your long term prospects together.

 

calling off the legal proceedings would be a constructive first step on his part. unless and until he does that-- you get the picture.

[litoosh743]

Hey,

You're being very harsh on yourself but I know you cannot see it. Its easier to blame ourselves for everything. I just wish you could see what a loser this guy is and that you're worth so much more. We all made these mistakes with our ex, hell, i was with mine last night and feel that i dont deserve the help on this forum...but what can we do eh? as soon as we become stong minded and feel free they drag us back down and we let them because we love them.

Buba, maybe you need him to drive you crazy a few more times before you realise enough is enough and tell him to get lost, don't expect yourself to be superwoman, you went with you feelings and you gave your all and you slipped back down and now the only way is back up, slowly... what just happened basically breaks all hope for you...as horrible as it may seem it will free you much quicker, sometimes hope isnt such a good thing as it keeps us in pain.

i promise you, he will not change - ever, he is not mentally healthy and you are not the cure for him, don't let him drag you into his self distruction, i promise, in a little while you will have no idea what you saw in him in the first place, i think you already started feeling it tonight. what a sad loser...

[michelemybell]

You are exactly right Litoosh.

 

Buba, All of us here have done exactly what you have done. As much as I sound like the goddess of wisdom, I never followed any advice anyone gave me regarding my ex. I never followed my own advice. I had to find out for myself and left after I was screwed over for the upteenth time. Please, please take care of yourself--Take hot baths, read self-help books, rent empowering movies. It's going to hurt for awhile. Just try, try---Dont give up. This guy has severe psychological problems----Nothing is wrong with you except you are deeply in love with a guy who needs a lot of help. And as Litoosh said, your love cant fix him. That has nothing to do with you. But you do need to break your dependency on him. That will take consistent hard effort. It doesn't happen over night. It's like an addiction to a drug.

 

A breakup is horrendous. A breakup with an ambivalent man (one who loves you one minute, hates you the next--not sure if he wants you in his life or not) is incredible painful and will hurt your self-esteem more than anything in the world. You just gotta believe in yourself more than this guy. It's not an easy thing to do. After my breakup I was so confused and sad, I would sit in my car at the beach crying, hoping I'd just die. I felt like I was the biggest loser and I felt I couldn't live without my ex who I loved so much. This went on for over a year. But a quote from the movie Legally Blonde (a great pick me up movie) kept on running through my mind, and this quote applies to everyone here: "If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life, you're not the girl I thought you were".

Buba, I hope you stick with us here. We want you to be happy. We are on your side and care for you.

[bittersweetly healed]

oh dear god i talked to my ex today and it is utterly CONFIRMED he is the bigges lying idiot on the face of this here planet and i can finally be completely at peace with my entire life. what a damn relief. wooooooooooooooooooo

[Hope75]

bittersweet, you should really start your own thread on this topic, so that it gets the attention it deserves, and so that buba can have her thread for what's going in her life.

[bittersweetly healed]

wow lol ur right hope, i forgot thats how these forums work..im new to the scene..sorry buba!

[Hope75]

buba,

 

on the off chance that you come back to read your replies to your most recent post, you can see that several of us have come forward to admit that we have been in the same place you are and done what you have done, myself included.

 

Don't beat yourself up over this! You have very strong feelings for him still even though your head tells you he is not good for you, your heart cannot let go so easily.

 

This was another lesson you needed to learn, a wake up call that you needed to keep being able to move away from him. There is nothing to be ashamed of or upset with, you realize that it was a mistake and you will only be stronger and more convicted in your choice to stay away from him because of it.

 

Don't give up on your friends at enotalone, breakups aren't known for going smoothly. We are still here for you if you decide to come back. I hope you do.

[Hope75]

bittersweet,

 

don't worry about it, do you know how to start a new thread?

[nebbish]

buba, you gotta hang in there. don't bail out on us. don't bail out on yourself. we have all done stupid stuff-- i know i have, in fact, i won

t even mention my own mistakes here because, although "it seemed like a good idea at the time," it really wasn't-- so we know how you feel exactly-- even the feeling that you are patheitc and how low you have sunk.

 

your ex sounds like a monster and yet here you are worried about whether you are worthwhile. you are and he is not.

 

keep your chin up. you're doing fine.

[thisisnotanexit]

i agree -

we all make mistakes, don't be so hard on yourself. you're not a bad person, some people are just very deceptive. he's the loser. just learn from this mistake and try your best to move on. at least you're stronger from it and will know better in the future. try to think of it that way. you're not a failure, you're wiser now. you will love again. there are so many people out there, and you will find someone who is right for you. don't give up, we're all here to talk and we want to help. hang in there

[buba]

Thank you guys.

Your comfort helps me a lot.

I spend the day crying, never left my bedroom, regretting giving in to him.

Giving him power over me.

I want to be free from this emotional death.

You're my friends and I am glad I found you, glad you understand...

It;s hard. Some of us just don't have it easy.

I feel used, should of known better.

[eva1218]

Buba,

 

I just want to say...

We are a strong lover, so to us.........

perhaps all we need is do it over and over, again....

before you can really let go, before you set yourself free from him.

 

Don't blame urself.

You just never know....

How much more you can take...and where is the end?

It's so painful that u thought you couldn't take it anymore (many times u thought so..)but in fact, you still can take some more...

due to we are very strong!!!!

 

Maybe you only need to go through it a couple more times..hurt by him again and again(regret, and regret....), wait until ur love is "dead", wait until there's no more"hope"(i meant at all)...wait until u "changed".

 

I promise you it will not last forever.

But how long time does it take?

It depends on when you don't want it anymore?

Just haven't reached your real bottom yet, he broke ur heart..true, but still not hard enough, cause u still can take some more(but don't blame urself) once he successfully hit that....right there

(hopefully he is getting close there..)you will be free.

Just be patient...meanwhile...lookafter urself.

 

Take care...Buba

 

Eva

[bittersweetly healed]

oh buba. i hate seeing you in so much pain its killing me. and i dont even know you personally, but its as if we all do because u confide in us. keep confiding in us, one of us will be here everytime you need something. eva's right the important thing is you really really really really gota take care of yourself. i had to drag myself to get out my bedroom door, but i did it. i know i didnt go thru half as much as this guy has put you through but on my level, its about equivalent with the way it makes me feel and how it crushes my soul into pieces. but pieces are fit to be picked up. they always are. think about it. any time somethings in shambles on the floor, SOMEONE comes by to pick them up. there;s no telling when but you gota pretend theres no janitor-type figure coming by to take care of it so you must do it yourself or else the consequences are beyond imagination. what im trying to say is i wish for you so much happiness in the near future and believe me my friend, its coming. for all the suffering one must endure, there is 10 times more joy around the corner. and if you think im just saying that, dont. lol...it is a fact and i swear it on my life. this guy is poison..especially to you because it sounds like you are capable of loving someone hard, and when you get let down the fall is twice as hard, believe me i know. you will be healthy once you see that the other side is greener. and one day..soon...you'll snap out of it and feel incredible...re-born even. i promise you this. hang on.

[nebbish]

during your first nc period you were probably nagging yourself with questions: how can i get him back, wouldn't it be nice if, i just want one more night with him, etc etc.

 

well now you know. it wouldn't be nice and he's a serpent.

 

unfortunately, there is a price for that knowledge. and you're paying that price. but you have the knowkedge and hopefully with it you gained some insight. like the next time he smooth talks you you can tell him to go f himself. because now you know.

 

but you have to give something up to gain that knowledge and insight. an the pain and ger you fell at yourself is the price yo're paying for the knowledge. but in the enbd you will be stronger you will know more and you will become more comfortable in your own mind that he was not the one for you and it's time to find someone else.

[buba]

Yesterday he showed up at my door...

Wanted to surprise me.

I let him in, he said he was sorry for saying those hurtful things over the phone the other day.

He said he still loves me and misses me.

I said don't divorce people they love."

He said right..."

Why did I let him in?

Probably cause he drove for 2.5 hours to get to me...

We were sitting on my patio and he was smoking pot every few minutes, his eyes were bloody red and I felt sorry for him.

Really sorry. I saw a sick person and realised, no matter how much I love him, he has no place for me in his heart...

His addiction consumed him.

I told him that it's a good thing we're parting ways, I don't want to be married to a Stoner, I can do better than that.

I said that I am not going to buy his declarations of drug induced love( He was crying).

And than got really angry! What's new?

And said that he drove all this way to tell me that we shouldn't see each other...

I said it was O.K with me and showed him the door.

Why the hell did he even came over?