Help me, I am drowning...

[nebbish]

the thing you have to worry about is when the 20 y/o kicks him to the curb he will be back at your door. don't let him in.

 

hang in there. swelling is paret of the disease process. the more he swells the more your anger gets channlled.

 

keep going to therapy, keep persevering.

[nebbish]

it absolutely will come back to haunt him. just make sure he doesn't com eback to you to exoricse the ghosts.

[buba]

After being angry and frustrated,

Here I am again... In the dumps...

I guess it doesn't last.

And once again all I think about is how to end this pain.

I can't live without him.

I really want to die.

[nebbish]

you are living without him as you write this.

 

and just as the anger didn't last neither will the depression.

 

it's tough, no doubt about it.

 

but-- is this guy worth dying for?

 

let alone commit suicide over? would you run in front of a car for him? no.

 

kidney stones hurt too but they get passed. he is your romantic kidney stone. pass him.

[michelemybell]

Nebbish, I like your analogy with the kidney stone! How true!

 

Buba, I know it's hard now, I know you feel you want to die. Just hang in there and go through all the emotions and feelings. I went through the same thing as you, and I truly hated when people told me I'd get through it and find light at the end of the tunnel. And now I'm saying the same thing to you!

 

When I was going through my worst time after my breakup, what really helped me was sitting down with pen and paper and reevaluating my life and setting goals. I also read stories about other women that went through or were going through the same thing. (My favorite was how Angelina Jolie bounced back and did all this humanitarian work after being dumped my dorky Billy Bob Thornton. Halle Berry is also a good person to read about). Also reading stories about people who were going through things much worse and challenging than my breakup--It really put things into perspective. I also kept busy going out volunteering and spending time with friends and family. I even forced myself back into college, which is really hard to do when you're depressed.

 

Anyways, sorry to be so long winded, but I just wanted to say that you have so much potential and possibility. After reading your posts, I wonder why you were even with your pothead husband. You are waaay better than that and the world needs you. I know it's hard to see that now, but one day you will. I promise you that.

 

Michele

[buba]

Thank you, Michelle.

tonight I had to put myself together for a TV interview to promote my new CD.

I went out there and did a great job.

And than we went out to have a nice dinner in a really nice restaurant.

I felt a lot better.

step by step...

I should get out of the house more often. It helps.

At least tonight I will be able to sleep.

God knows what tomorrow will bring but I will worry about it tomorrow.

Thank you all for your loving support.

It's nice to know that someone really cares.

[tarheelfan]

Buba,

 

Not that my opinion counts for much... but if you just go back and look at your very first posts... I think you have made REMARKABLE improvements in such a short time. Of course it has felt like an eternity. But you sound LIGHT YEARS better. I think you sound AWESOME!

 

I know it still hurts... but keep it up... you're doing GREAT!

 

Your pal,

Tarheelfan

[nebbish]

i'd say that kidney stone is working its way out.

 

and if you are doing a tv interview to promote a new cd-- if you're at that level-- then i think my earlier posts abiout your poetry were, shall we say, correct?

 

you'll still have bad days but like tar heel said, look at where you are and where you were. you're half way up the hill and when you started you were at the bottom.

 

so when you accept your emmy, will you mention us?

[buba]

Thank's nebbish.

I always keep thinking about that kidney stone...

And it helps somewhat.

Today I made myself go to the gym.

Took a spin class. Was hard. All those cigarrettes!

I am trying to stay strong.

Little baby steps.

I cleaned the house!

I still get up bat 5.30am, but it's o.k. I guess.

I am not ready to date anyone, can't even imagine being with another man just yet. The intimacy we shared was great.

I guess his 20y.old(my replacement) is keeping him happy.

I am not calling him, not emailing...

I am just trying to get better.

your support helps me to stay sane.

Thank you.

[rainy soul]

Hi Buba,

I always look to see what the latest is with you...although you are feeling terribly alone just know that alot of us here like myself are wondering how your heart is holding up.

Just to give you some hope, I know that you feel like your drowning and once the anger subsides your left with the cold reality that he is still gone and that things ended the way they did never to be erased or returned from. Over the past four months I feel like I have been surviving the sinking of the titanic over and over again. The key word is surviving. All this pain, all the heartbreak, tears, depression, disillusionment, hope and loss of hope, suicidal thoughts, drunken breakdowns, aloneness and I am still here. I am still here and miraculously like everyone says little by little over time I AM getting better. My thoughts have shifted from why did he do this, I didn't deserve this, how could he just throw me away to feeling grateful that I know now who he really is and sad for him I would not want to be with that person. I am slowly rising from the dead and the few moments when the pain is totally gone and I feel the sun shining down on my face are felt like miracles and somewhere in my heart a voice tells me that life will be good again. I am so close to being free of this and that has become more important than any thought I ever had about being with him again. While I still feel some pain I am able to live again, and someday sooner than I think I will emancipate myself entirely from the prison of pain I have also helped to create and I will truly be alive once more. An old friend of mine always says "you have to walk through the valley to get to the mountain top." You are in your valley a place that I was myself. I have just started my ascent of the mountain and I am looking down on you thinking just a few more steps and you will be free of your pain too. Whether these steps take months or longer everyday you are getting closer to making your ascent...I will meet you at the top! Take care

[buba]

Thank you so much Rainy soul.

Your words made me cry.

I am looking forward to meeting you on that mountaintop!

[buba]

It's 3am,

just got back home from playing a gig.

It was hard. I had to fake a smile.

I wish we can all get together and have a party one day!

you guys are amazing.

I feel like I now have plenty of friends.

It means a lot to me.

here are a few lines for a new song I wrote today:

 

So what? Another bullet in my heart, so what?

It's just another way to start the day, oh well..

I'm an old record that you played and played'

Then got sick of it and threw it away

I am a misfit, I am backwards...

I am an old ashtray for your sigarrettes butts

I'm durty and used, , I'm broken in half

I'm waisted, it's ridiculous...

 

 

So what? My arms are tired to reach for you, my dear,

and I caN still feel you on my skin...

And I am going down and raising from hell

She is not as complicated as myself, she might be easy

I'm an old rug outside your door

And you bring her in and you both wipe your feet

against my nacked body...

 

 

I'm a black sun in your greedy sky

I am here to tell you, your life is a lie,

I am a cancer, and I am spreading...

 

 

I will finish it tomorrow, Too drunk tonight, sorry for being so weak.

Have been drinking myself to sleep again.

I am afraid to turn into my mother.

I know, he is sleeping with his 20y. old right now and It kills my spirit.

I wish I knew how not to get bothered by it.

We're still married.

[eva1218]

dear Buba,

 

I hope you feel better today after u got drunk last night.

 

Try to finish your song today, get something to do........whatever you feel like to do........

Like me, I'm so tired, I've slept 14hours after a hard week work....yeah 14hours, one day you can sleep like a pig as me.......just like what they've told u....the mountain top, me? my mountain top is my bed!!

 

Although we can never pretend nothing happened, but sleeping well, eating well, having fun again in our life........that's awesome.

And you will be as well. Just hang in there, look after yourself. You will see the difference. Be patient......you will help yourself out of it, not us, the one who's going to save you is "YOU".

 

Have a good day, and don't cry!!

Eat better!!

But I can't tell u to smoke less....cause somehow I smoke a lot...hehe.

Well, no one is perfect anyway!!

 

Eva

[buba]

Thank's Eva.

I guess I am over the initial shock.

Woke up this morning and started planning my life that doesn't include him.

I am hurt, fooled, used, taken advantage of, but i forgive him.

He doesn't know any better.

he is immature.

he needs a caretaker and I wanted a partner.

Well, it's all over now and I am praying to God to help me through the day.

A day at a time.

It sucks not to feel loved but I am not alone and just like many of you I will spread my wings and fly again.

I overlooked plenty of warning sighns when we were dating, went ahead and married him anyway.

I guess it's time to learn my lesson.

Yes, I loved him to death and still do...

But all this pain he put me through!

Is it worth it?

I don't think he will change anytime soon, no matter who he is with.

The only person he could live with is his alcoholic mother.

This sadness will pass, I will love again.

Thank you all for your support.

[nebbish]

buba, you're making great progress...

 

you're thining about future things which is great because after a while instead of thinking them, you'll be living them. and planning to live them and doing. but first things first!

 

and don't forget the emmy speech. that's nebbish-- n-e-b-b-i-s-h

[buba]

Hey Eva and NEBBISH, you guys have been there for me even though I never met you...

Today is the first day when my guts are not twisting.

I was able to face the day.

N/C really does work.

You finally get to realize that you're not needeed and it's OVER.Life is short. we have to make the best of it.

I love this man to death, my husband, my everything...

He doesn't love me.

I except. I understand now.Soooooo sad.

 

Love you all,

[buba]

Today is almost a week of N/C.

I felt stronger for a while but it comes and goes...

Yesterday went out with a few friends.

I was out in a Bar and it felt stupid.

Here I was, looking at man and just hated every single one of them.

God, will this ever pass?

I miss my husband and may be I should just take my time and grieve his departure.

Getting out there makes me feel worse.

Am I codependent? What's wrong with me?

I just want to find myself again...

[nebbish]

give yourself time, as you correctly pointed out.

 

it's good that you went out with friends but don't force the bar thing.

 

you're getting better-- yo've probably improved from the cancer patient pain to the kidney stone pain and now you may be entering the wisdom tooth extraction pain. it hurts and it is sore and it is going to hurt and be sore for a while and you are constantly aware of the empty sockets where your wisdome teeth were-- but eventually the empty sockets get filled with scar tissue and pretty soon you're back chewing solid food.

 

hang in there.

[eva1218]

Buba,

 

Don't be silly that you think you can really feel better after ONLY a week?

If so, your love was nothing....

 

I didn't get any single improvment at the frist couple months!!!

 

It takes u much much longer.........and u know it.

But, you also know that you are getting better day by day...very small baby step.

I can't remember if I said this to u, really say it from my own experience.

"It wouldn't get any wrose, it would only get better." Because it is the worst thing to us. Think about it, when it couldn't get any worser, it could only get better. So, very clear...what will happen.....things get better.

The only thing is how long will this bloodly moment take?

 

Eat well!!

 

Talk to u later.

 

Eva

[eva1218]

Buba,

 

As u said, we never met......but we're here for u...no reason, no why...

It is something meant to be, .......like our story...

 

Perhaps one day, we can meet.........or we met on the street, passed each other away not even noticed.

 

Life........ces't la vie.

 

I had a bad day at work........crap...

But as I said, nothing could be worse than 8/9months ago, so life is still....good!!! And i am really happy that knowing you are trying to help yourself out of the hell, one day, you would be very proud of yourself that how far u've made it.

 

Eva

[buba]

Last night he called three times within 30 minutes.

I didn't pick up the phone.

I wander what he wants from me?

He is divorcing me.

Is he curious? Wandering if I met someone?

I am sure he will call again.

How should I act?

[eva1218]

Well, what do u want to do?

Who knows what he wants from you?

 

If you had enough from him, let him know you never want his contact again. Change your phone(like what he did), move apartment...whatever to avoid him. If you still can torture by him, by this love...you can hope for another chance between you two.

It's totally depends on you now, how you want it to be....how you want the future to be? With him? Without him? Wait for him to change? Play by him....telling you with another 20years old girl?

I think, it just depends on how much more you can take....

and it doesn't mean he'll come back to u even you willing to take much....

Even though he comes back, would u be happy with him? you know HIM.

Do u think you two could live happily after?

 

Hugh.........poor buba....

is your life, if you made mistake, fine, but at least not the same mistake..

 

sit down, and think it through...

perhaps you know what to do when he calls again.

you can pick up the phone if you are strong enough to talk to him....I don't mean you have to run away from him unless he's doing something stupid & nonsense which bother you. Otherwise, why not talk.......

if the conversation would bring you further down..

you might won't pick up the phone anymore...

 

Personally, to me, your ex doesn't sound worth it.

My ex, I was hard to let go, and done many stupid things, at least he treated me like a princess when we were together(5years)...that is why I still love him so much after all these time. To me, is my lost. I took him as granted. No matter how regret I was, how hard I tried. he didn't come back.....end of story.

 

I hope you know what's good to u........

 

poor buba..

[nebbish]

hi buba

 

this may sound harsh-- but don't answer the phone.

 

do you have voice mail? an answering machine? if he has something to say-- like he's come groveling back-- he can grovel on the machine. remember, you are wronged person-- the dumpee, the victim.

 

what are you supposed to be doing? sitting around the phone waiting fro him to call? even if you are, he doesn't need to know that. he's got his twenty year old.

 

has he called off the legal proceedings? no? hmmmmm.

 

IF he leaves a message THEN you can return the call the next day at a decent hour.

 

IF he does NOT leave a message, as far as you are concerned he didn't call.

 

how old is he?

[buba]

Hi Nebbish.

Thank's for your help.

No, he didn't leave messages.

And no, he did't call the legal proceedings off.

He is just having an easy life, hiding under his mothers skirt and using her loving support to justify his actions.

I was a stepping stone.

Obviously not good inough for his "grand persona"

I was there to pay the bills, he felt entitled to be taken care of cause I was his wife.

As I said earlier, I just replaced his mother for a while.

until I had enough and said that it was unfair and I wanted to feel like a woman.

With him I could only feel like one in the bedroom.

I know it's wrong. Someone else would of kicked him out after a few months, but I loved him and always thought he will change.

He made all those promises! How one day everything will be perfect.

Lies.

Brutal lies.

He is rotten inside.

I am hurt again .

Today is a bad day.

Writing here helps cause I get some support and it helps me through the day.

Was crying for an hour, skipped the gym, woke up at 4am again with my heart racing.

He is a "Creature", far from human.

He likes to punish. An angry, miserable soul.

I need to rebuild my self esteem.

I need to learn how to love life again.

Right now it seems impossible.

But I am doing N/c AND IT'S for the best, I congratulate myself in the end of the day for not contacting him.

It's hard, but with your support I am trying.

[nebbish]

so if he didn't even leave a message what is it that he wanted?

 

nothing honorable, you can be assured.

 

try not to miss a day at the gym. i have a posture issue and i have to work out every day to strengthen my back and it was very difficult to get into this habit but easy to get out of if you miss a few days.

 

on the other hand if yu keep with it you'd be surprised how good you can feel after a good workout and the effects get better the more you get into a habit.

 

he sounds like a meathead. a cruel one. hang in there because you are makking progress whether you see it or not.

 

how old did you say he was?