Help me, I am drowning...

[michelemybell]

Just a quick note Buba. I wouldn't see the guy now. As much as you want to, you're getting stronger and this will send you back to square one.

If there is no absolute necessity to see them, then dont. Work on yourself during this time, and one day, when you are much much stronger, you may be able to see him. But not now.

[buba]

Michelle, You're right.

I know, I shouldn't see him.

I am not calling him and trying to stay busy.

Today is one of those days...

I miss him. Wandering if he is with someone else.

I know that he wants me to contact him, but I won't.

I wish things were different.

I am trying to stay strong.

I am one miserable, sad creature.

[Hope75]

Hi Buba,

 

Just wanted to see how you were doing, hopefully staying strong.

 

This guy is like an anchor who sinks you every time you get near him. Who cares if someone else sees him? He can't keep a job, he lives with his mom and all he cares about is getting stoned. He treated you like dirt and now you are rid of him..

 

Be glad!

 

Hang in there!

[thisisnotanexit]

hang in there

 

you WILL get over him.

 

you know why? because you're better than him and you're worth it

[bittersweetly healed]

hi buba,

i just joined, mostly because i am going through a breakup myself. Everything you have described is exactly how i feel, as well as many other men and women. one of the posts that mentioned a mairjuana addiction and that he is only content while on it...that hit home with me because thats exactly the life i was living with my ex. I was only with him for 3 years and we are young and did not go through many of the things you went through- but the way it makes us feel is all the same. and yes, you do write poetically and it helps the rest of us to put our own feelings into perspective. By discovering this website i have newfound support from a place i never thought i would. i dont even know these people yet the connection is strong. My heart broke for you and i too could feel the emotion pour out of the posts. you have been to hell and back and for that you will be greatly rewarded. we all will because, well, we just deserve it. All of our time patience and energy went into these relationships only to get nothing out of it. or so we think- we got self respect out of it because we now know we deserve better. youre posts help more people than you realize.

[buba]

Thank you bittersweetly, I am sorry, you're dealing with pain right now...

It's been 4 days since I heard from him and I am starting to feel better.

I am so dedicated to N/C, it's amasing.

I am starting to see things clearly, realizing how poisonous this marrige was and how emotionally draining my past year was...

Yes, of couse I miss him, but it comes and goes...

And I am O.K. At least today.I will continue N/C and try to concentrate on a future that doesn't include him.

In a way, it's nice to have some piece of mind.

Noone screams, throws tantrums...

I will be fine.

Long morning hikes up the hill help me a lot. Clears the fog and the sadness becomes bearable.

And when I am really miserable, I let myself myself cry for a while.

And I pray before I go to sleep, pray for some piece of mind and I am able to sleep now.

Hope it will last...

Thank you all for your support.

[bittersweetly healed]

im havin a relapse in thinkin about my ex...a kid who is a little immature boy who does nothing but smoke weed and spend my money im so happy its over i just dont know why i have relapses and thoughts of desparity. i know i am going to be all right. i was the one who completed him, not the other way around. can someone contact me who wants to talk? sometimes im up late at night so i wouldnt mind talkin one on one then or something. thanks

[thisisnotanexit]

gosh i hope your ex's can get help with their weed addiction

[litoosh743]

Buba,

I think you're going to remember this period of time as a good one and not a painful one, by reading your last post i can tell that you finally feel free. I know you are in pain over the loss, but i also know your eyes are opening and you can see clearly now and realise you have been consumed up by this man. You have this time to be with yourself and actually get yourself back and thats an amazing process and you'll come out stronger because of it and i'm sure that you'll never look back even if he begs and wants to save the marriage.

stay stong

[bittersweetly healed]

i thought NC would be harder this time around, but i dont have a huge desire to get in contact. He is slowly becoming a distant memory to me and i dontmind being alone. i guess theres something beautiful in solitude. i still have tiny relapses though. but everyone has told me its healthy. It's been two days of NC and a week+2days of the breakup..this forum helps so much...by continuing to talk about it, i'm not crazy right? lol

[bittersweetly healed]

i never got to explain the whole catalyst for our breaking up n i feel i jus needed to talk about it..if theres someone out there listening could u tell me what u think?

..my bf of 3 years and i broke up a week ago..everything was going fine until he looked through my camera one day. there were only pictures of myself on it and they werent even naked ones or anything like that. just of me from diff angles. His initial reaction was "WHO ARE THESE FOR?" and i said what are you talking about they are for me n no one else to see, well maybe except for you lol." he rips the camera away from me and goes n locks himself in my bathroom to look thru them again. i was all embarrassed b/c i always hate pics of myself to be seen...he leaves my house saying "im gona take a drive" and then comes online later and goes "its over youre so shady..youre reaction seems guilty..youre whoring yourself out to people i dont care what you say your a liar and all girls are cheaters." i was blown away by the accusations but i do know i didnt do anything wrong. i explained that i reacted the way i did due to embarrassment which is the absolute truth. i hate when the only way to get things said is through online..why couldnt he just have said it before he left my house..im so sick of the moods..which have gotten worse because of drug use. i realize that if he really loved me (he cant possibly know what love is anyway being as immature as he is) he would have talked it out. he even yelled at me saying why the hell would i wana talk it out...and i asked him a few things a couple days later n he goes "i thought i told you it was over" when i wasnt even trying to get back with him. i was wronged too much. and this is the second time by him. he owes me money which i'll never see either. i still hold some anger but dont care if i never see him again.

[buba]

Hey, bittersweetly.

If he is on drugs, like my husband is, there is nothing you can do if you're looking for reason.

He will always have mood swings, raging episodes and something to blame you for...

If you stay away completely, he will come around wandering why you're not catering to his moods...

It's so unhealthy.

I am not calling my ex any longer and last night he called and said that he misses me...

And I know, he does, but he is on weed and it was just an emotion.

He will not hesitate to tell me that I am a w*ore once I give in and start walking on eggshells again.

I don't trust him any more.

I feel sorry for him. And I do miss him, but I can't sacrifice my life for some addict who doesn't know how to give back.

It's sad. I really thought that he was the love of my life and things will change.

try to stay away from this guy.

[bittersweetly healed]

yea i believe in you completely. hes always so stubborn and i doubt he will ever call or anythng like that, but youre right he probably will start to wonder about things. my fear was that he just doesnt think about it at all. (which i dont even know why i shuld care, its just one of those things you wonder about..)

 

thanks for keepin in touch, this all gives me a little bit more to look forward to each day.

if youd wana talk in IM sometime, IM me at profoundkissez.

(thats for anyone else too who needs anything )

[nebbish]

hey buba-- you're doing so well you're now helping others deal with the pain. that is a real milestone! go back and check your posts from the beginning and see where you are now.

 

you should be really proud of yourself. you have pulled this through and you're going strong.

[buba]

Nebbish,

I am far from being healed.

I spoke to him yesterday and he said may be we can rebuild things.

It's so confusing.

As I said, I don't trust him any longer.

I know he misses me, He tells me that he does...

I miss him too.

His phone calls make me weaker, I guess, I should just stay away and not pick up the phone.

Yesterday I told him that It's really lame of him to not remember the things I've done for him. I reminded him about it and told him that I needed to get it off my chest.

I told him that his lifestyle(living with mom at 33 and his addiction to pot) is a turn off and I doubt that someone else will be happy dealing with that for a long period of time.

He said that he is not looking for someone else.

I told him that he was cheap.

And he really is. Extremely cheap.

He responded with "now that you said this, I don't miss you any more"

Such typical, childish, immature statements.

I said Bye.

Around 3a.m. he called again. I was sleeping.

He left me a very intellectual message.

Here is the message:

"Hi, sweetie, you must be sleeping.

I just got home, got myself a burger and I am going to eat it. O.K.

I will talk to you later."

Isn't it deep guys?

I misssssssss to be in love with a creative soul, someone who will share some romantic thoughts with me, who will inspire me...

Looks are not everything. My husband is 6.7 tall, gorgeous guy, people always turned their heads when we walked into the room, everyone kept on saying how great we looked together.

But he is extremely shallow. God, it's soooo boring to talk about burgers , I wish I could just let go.

[buba]

Just got another call from him.

He said, why don't we date each other exlusively, just like in the beginning?

I come and see you, you come and see me?

I will take you out...

And I said:

That's great! So I can waste another three years of my life knowing that I have no future with the person I am dating?

Very sweet proposal, but no thanks.

You want to date me without the responsibility of being in a commited relationship.

I said that I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I am moving on and I am dating someone else.(LIE!)

He asked what his name was. I made up a name and said that he is really nice and treats me with respect.

He got angry and said that tonight he will sleep with the first pretty girl that walks into his bar!

I wished him good luck and hang up the phone.

Now I am sitting here crying again...

Lord, all this painful things people do to each other...

I always wished for a miracle, I thought people change.

I thought my mother will just stop drinking and be a good mom.

She never did. I gave up. Now, 20 years later, she is a vegetable, can't even talk to her any more. All my life I was hurting for her and now I am hurting for him.

I see him waisting away and it brings me back home, I hurt all over again.

Why can't I change the pattern of trying to rescue someone?

My mind is clear, I know it's wrong, but my heart is bleeding and I hate feeling like a failure.

It's hard. I wander if it was easier to agree to see him until I am ready to move on...

See him but keep my eyes open and use him for sex(it was the greatest with him...I am sure he misses it too)

I have no idea.

It hurts like hell again and I am going to make myself a drink.

I love a loooooser, a momma's boy, a pothead, an emotional abuser...

I am not over him, nebbish.

Will I ever be?

It's sick.

[bittersweetly healed]

buba you are so strong you have no idea!! dont drink i know its easier said than done but STAY AWAY FROM THE BOTTLE! see, we dont even know you personally and we care about you i do know a little bit how you feel and please please take care of yourself. I think the way u made it up that u were seeing a guy is great and hilarious. he deserves to hear that and the comment about sleeping with the first pretty woman he sees is to defend himself and he will NEVER be happy doing that, if he even does it at all! STAY STRONG! hey i'll be here for a while if u need me...so will other people who have been responding...times like these are easily relatable so do not worry. i PROMISE u things will be better in no time. think about this: he wants to work things out and you had the courage to be true to yourself and say NO, YOU JERK! heh...and u can sleep easy knowing you werent thrown away...you are still wanted...and now the ball is in YOUR court. you are in control...i mean come on, you deserve to be!

[thisisnotanexit]

you're right, from what you say about him (living with his mom, takling about cheeseburgers, smoking pot), he IS a loser. you're SO MUCh better off. you just miss him because things are different. you're life is different right now. just please stay away from him and the bottle, and sooon you shall get over his old ways. you can do this. don't give up. you will meet someone else and you will love again. you don't know how good you could have it. you're so used to his old ways, that you don' tknow how special love can be. keep yourself available and you will be with someone who treats you right. we're all here for you..remember, stay away from alcohol if you can.

 

take care!

[bittersweetly healed]

buba, how are you doing today?

[nebbish]

ok, so you're not quite over him

 

but when you were a kids did you ever fall off your bike and scrape your knees? sure it hurt, then a scab formed and it didn't hurt as much-- unless someone hit you right there or you ripped off the scab. so when he calls you and you are feeling hurt and not over him, your scab is being ripped off.

 

but that doesn't mean you're not making progress. you're doing great.

[bittersweetly healed]

OH MY GOD....i have never had an experience like the one i had las night...i went to sleep and i had som good dreams that didnt involve him at all....then i fell back asleep a lil later, and oh my god. this was the most real dream ive ever had- i actually physically lived in..i was in a room with all my friends and they all stepped to the side after i started talking sadl yabout my ex...and there he was in the middle in a chair with his head down sort of crying and i went over to him but he got up and went against the wall....he was wearing all the clothes he has in real life, and then came over to me and hugged me like id never been hugged before. when he held me (and i swear to god this felt real i was living it- i had the thought in my head "this is my true love" but then i remembered the bad things hes done to me, but the good feelings totally pushed that away. i felt like i was home again. and he cried and said im so sorry im trying to change ive done a lota stupid things too." and then i was sitting on his lap in a weird posittion, and then we went home n he called, and then i remember waking up..and boom- it was all a dream. i woke up with such strong physical happiness..and then utter saddness. wow what does this mean. probably nothing but i was so over it. i dont want false hope

[bittersweetly healed]

can somebody peez read my dream n tell me wat you think? its driving me a little nuts. ok so a lot nuts. a whole sac full of nuts.

[michelemybell]

bittersweetly healed, I think your dreams are just reflecting on some good times you had with this guy, and trying to put into perspective the bad times too. Usually dreams are a way our subconscious mind tries to understand struggles going on in our real lives. It's not necessarily a premonition of what's going to happen in your real life.

I wish you the best. I know breakups are hard. I had all sorts of dreams after my breakup. Just odd dreams that didn't mean anything except to convince me it was over

[bittersweetly healed]

i know its truly over. he was no good for me at all...not much to offer, no job, pot addiction, used my money..n still doesnt want a job even tho its summer. all my friends + his say that im at 100% as a human being without him, n maybe he was jus an added bonus. lately he was bringing me down to 50%...so, no bonus there. i can finally do things i like now, like go into the city n not shut out my guy friends in my life b/c of my jealous ex. i might miss him but i do know one thing..better things await me in the future.

[buba]

O. K.

It's been a few days since I posted.

I saw him and we spend two nights together.

I excepted him for who he is, I can't help it, I love him.

He want's us to start over. He want's to work things out.

He wants to be with me for the rest of his life, he misses me.

He said that he loves me.

Does he want to change?

He is a damaged soul, but I can't help it.

It was like falling in love with him all over again...

He was talking about us getting a place in his city, me leaving LA.

I am not sure.

I know that he is afraid to loose me, afraid that I will move on...

I know you will not approve. I understand, and may be I will get my heart broken all over again, but what can I do if he is the only one that makes me fly?

This is when "right" and "Wrong" makes no sense.

We have this chemistry...

He left yesterday and called a few times to tell me how much he misses me.

I miss him too.

God! I am gonna have my heart broken all over again.