Help me, I am drowning...

[taimeen]

lol. i was wondering why it was so long, but thats okay...it can be as long asit takes for u to move on, completely heal.....by then who knows u might be able to turn your writings into a book, become bestseller and throw it in his face! sorry, maybe i shouldnt have said that last part thats not completely healing is it? How about send him an autographed copy?!

[Hope75]

Hope, you're right about N/C.

I slipped back by leaving him a message the other day and now this shame is hunting me.

I am ashamed of being so weak, for giving him the power to enjoy my mizery once again.

I can't change it.

He knows I am hurt and I am sure he loves it.

And, yes you're right. It's been too long and I am drinking again to escape this pain.

I enrolled into Masters programm in clinical psychology, will start school in a week.

I want to stay busy every minute of the day, hope it will help me take my mind off this divorce and figure a few things out for myself.

Sorry to still be here with my loooooong thread.

 

Buba,

 

School will help a tremendous lot. You will meet new friends and be very busy with homework and studying, this will all boost your self esteem too.

 

I think that is a smart move you've made, and no one can take away your education.

 

You really need to take the reigns and stop calling him. Stop accepting his calls, and let him be. It is the only way you will be able to move on from this, instead of continuing to torture yourself by staying in touch with him.

 

Have you sought counselling at all? Do, if you haven't. It could help you alot.

[nebbish]

buba, so you called him and said you missed him. since giving him nc cause him to call you, maybe calling him will keep him from calling? besides, if he calls you you can always say you were drunk when you called or something like that. anyway, dust yourself off and move on.

 

why do you have to meet anyone right now? the neatest person in your life is you. you have some new life epxerience to work into your art. get to know yourself better. the trip was a good first start.

 

and don't beat yourself up because you backslid. you caught it, and a call every couple of months -- don't even think about it. because every day you're moving forward with your life and the more you move forward, each step, the more distance you place and the more you grow personally. you're making progress my friend and youll do fine.

[buba]

Thanks Hope and Nebbish.

Your words make a lot of sense.

Here is a page from my journal:

Another sad day in my existense.

I hate myself. I really do.

I am pathetic and codependent.

There is nothing but this torturous pain everywhere.

Nothing helps.

What am I thinking?

Where am I falling?

I hit rock bottom and don't see way up.

All I want is his arms around me and his love back.

Everything else makes no sense.

I am a complete looser.

I suck!

My life makes no sense.

Last night had a one night stand,thought it will help, feel even worse this morning.

I hate myself.

I am tired to live in misery.

[Hope75]

Hi Buba,

 

Ok, I want you to take this suggestion seriously. Another poster on here was dumped by her alcoholic bf and she has been going to Al Anon meetings, which help people with codependancy, esp. whose exes dealt with addiction of some sort. Since your ex is a lazy pot smoker, and you are still such a wreck over him, I'm pretty sure you qualify.

 

I think you should look into it, it will get you into a great support system and help you learn to stay strong. There are free Al Anon programs in most communities, you should be able to find one.

 

This has been going on too long. You cannot depend on someone else for your own happiness, because when they are gone, look how empty you feel. You have to learn to find that within yourself.

 

Counselling is the first step, and Al Anon is a very important second step.

 

It's time to stop feeling worthless and sorry for yourself and get up and make a change. Take charge of your life.

 

You are a beautiful, successful, amazing woman who is going back to school on top of it all! Don't let one lousy creep ruin your life.

 

The the initiative and get moving. No more feeling sorry for yourself!!

 

I know you can do this!!!!

 

I'm cheering for you, Buba!

 

Hope

[brando]

Buba,

 

your feeling a tremendous amount of pain... and you will do things to try and relieve that pain..dont beat yourself up.... you made a mistake from the sound of it, and it is okay. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them.

 

e easy on yourself, you dont suck, and you have no reason to hate yourself. Hang in their things will get better, you just need to believe it.

 

be well,

Brando

[nebbish]

are you still seeing your therapist?

 

at this point you shohld seriously consider-- or reconsider--- meds. they will help you over the hump. zoloft took the edge off for me during some of my problems. your problems wont go away but meds like zoloft and others-- notwithstanding what you hear on internet gossip boards or from the plaintiffs' bar-- can really help you function day to day and help you put some time between the events and where you are. you would take an aspirin for a headache so think about anti depressants for depression.

 

you don't need to be on them forever-- but if you were taking them for six months it would help you avoid the highs and lows. your art would probably suffer a little bit-- pain generates art and they take the edge off pain-- but then you also aren't going to go through these low lows.

[michelemybell]

You are right on Hope75--NO ONE can depend on one person to make them happy or fulfill their needs. But unfortunately there are a lot of people who feel if they just had that one special person in their lives, they will find the motivation and happiness to do anything. It doesn't work that way (not for that long at least). You can only do that for yourself. Once you realize that, you are truly liberated from the chains of dependency.

Most of us have been where you are Buba. And you will be sad for some time. But things will get better as long as you 1) Don't call him; 2) Have things to do--Work on your career, start a hobby, volunteer. School is wonderful--It is a great distraction 3) You learn to not rely on a man's affection and attention to make you feel worthwhile. Value yourself with or without a guy.

Please do not have one night stands. You are so much better than that.

[buba]

I guess what bothers me at this point is that I never had a chance to say Good-Bye in a nice way.

I am pass anger and hostility stage, but I really think two people that were married should be able to part ways in a different manner.

I think, it will be easier for me to heal if there were:

"I am really sorry for hurting you, I know I've caused you a lot of grief..."

Don't you think it will be easier to accept?

I hurt becaurse he parted ways with me in this torturous, animalistic manner and treats me like I never even existed.

Shows me how much he hates me.

Still don't know what I've done to be hated as much...

I guess, it's just my ego talking.

[nebbish]

no it's not your ego talking. it's your self esteem. your self respect. you should have been treated that way and you weren't and you're pissed and hurt. in a perverse way it's a good sign.

[Hope75]

I guess what bothers me at this point is that I never had a chance to say Good-Bye in a nice way.

I am pass anger and hostility stage, but I really think two people that were married should be able to part ways in a different manner.

I think, it will be easier for me to heal if there were:

"I am really sorry for hurting you, I know I've caused you a lot of grief..."

Don't you think it will be easier to except?

I hurt becaurse he parted ways with me in this torturous, animalistic manner and treats me like I never even existed.

Shows me how much he hates me.

Still don't know what I've done to be hated as much...

I guess, it's just my ego talking.

 

Hi Buba,

 

I know it is really hard to accept that there isn't really an easy or polite way to say goodbye sometimes when we are breaking up... but that's the ugly truth about breakups, they aren't always pretty and inevitable someone gets hurt.

 

I think you need to find closure within yourself... he isn't ever going to be able to give you the nice clean ending you seek. You just have to learn to accept that he isn't capable of understanding the magnitude of his actions on you because right now he can only think of himself.

 

Have you considered Al Anon? It's helping another member on here tremendously, who was also in love with an addict and unable to let him go.

 

Think about it. I think it might really help you.

[buba]

Yes, Hope, you're right.

I'll check into Al Anon.

I will try to get over this mess.

Hopefully, I will be able to let go.

It's hard to do when you feel that you never meant anything to a person you married, I sure feel like I was nothing more than a billpayer, caretaker.

I gave him all of myself, more than I ever gave to anyone.

He took it and discarded me like a piece of trush.

My pain gives him great satisfaction.

Brutal.

He probably forgot all about me by now while I am still trying to clean up this emotional mess.

Thank God I have you guys to share my pain with.

How do you trust people after all this?

I am so tired. Fed up.

Dating doesn't help.

I should be alone for a while and try to forgive him in my heart for hurting me.

Try to forgive myself for loosing my self esteem, my sanity.

[brando]

buba,

 

ihighly doubt he forgot all about you, and even if he did so what? I played the same game for a long time and i really as no relevance at all. First of all it is a question that cant be answered by you or anyone else on this forum.

 

When that thought pops into your head discount it, and let it go, do not give it power over you by entertaining it.

 

Thoughts are just that..thoughts, you decide to give them power and bring them to life, just because you think it dosnt mean it is believable or true.

 

Hang in their you will be just fine.

 

Brando

[Hope75]

Buba,

 

That's what Al Anon will teach you. He isn't out to hurt you intentionally, and it really has nothing to do with you, it has to do with his own selfishness and addiction to marijuana.

 

He doesn't love himself, thereforeeee he cannot love you.

 

What you have to do is realize that this is not a personal vendetta and that this isn't worth the way you hold onto it and feel pain over it.

 

Try to accept that it is just the way he is, there is nothing you can do about it, it has nothing to do with you.

 

You can move on from this, you will, as soon as you accept that it is not productive to paralyze yourself with grief over someone so sick and selfish.

 

You have the choice, to continue to let yourself suffer (and what good is that?)

 

or to take the reigns on your own life and make it what you want, and not let one guy ruin your life.

[buba]

Thank you again for your help.

Someone said:

"Your departure has left me a shelterless victim of a major disaster..

I called Red Cross but they refused to send out a nurse..."

Will look into meetings today, will try to exersise, try to stay busy.

Someone on the radio said that the grief we suffer from divorce is equal to suffering the death of a family member.

I believe him.

Yesterday by mail got a European magazine with my 20 pages interview and lots of pictures, a few of those are with him(Our wedding).

When I looked through those pages, I cried.

In an intetrview I am talking about being happily married and in love(interview was taken a while ago, when we both travelled abroad, I took him with me for an albom presentation and it was a fun trip...)

What a bummer!

I would really like for him to have a copy.

I know he wanted it.

Should I mail it to him?

[Hope75]

I think you know the answer to that buba,

 

NO, you should not mail him a copy. He filed for divorce. You are not the happily married couple any more.

 

You have to let him and go and move on with your life.

 

The longer you hang onto him the longer you will feel the pain. You are never going to move forward and start feeling better until you let him go as he has you and get on with your life.

 

I know this is harsh, but girl, you need a wake up call! You've got to stop this! You are doing it to yourself now.

 

No more. Get up, know you are worth it, and move on with your life for you. He isn't in your life anymore, and you need to find your own happiness.

 

((((BIG HUG))))

 

Now get moving!

[brando]

Buba,

 

If you mailed him a copy, what would you be expecting in return???

 

I would not mail him a copy if i was you.

 

I know letting go is hard, you have to do it though...you have so much going on with your life, enjoy and feel good about it.

 

Dont share this interview with him...share it with those who will appreciate your talents..

[buba]

Brando, if I mailed him a copy I will probably expect him to contact me.

I can't do that.

I feel soooo lonely, having no family in this country doesn't help.

All my friends are married or in a relationship.

I am probably clinically depressed, but I prefer alcohol to meds and it's horrible. I know.

My prayer for today was:

"GOD, please take my soul or show me the way out of this emotional death..."

Tired of suffering, I know I am talented, people always tell me that he was bad for me and he was...

But my heart is broken and I am all messed up.

Is this worth living?

Why does it gets worse?

[brando]

it always seems to get worse before it gets better, their are always lessons to learn.. i was in the same boat as you after my divorce, and then i realized why i felt the way i did, it had more to do with me then her.

 

It is still hard, and i am still single, daed a few women, nothing spectaculr..but im more okay with being single then i originally believed i would be.

 

It was my thoughts buba, that crushed me, all of my self inferior thoughts... i believed everyone about not being worthy, lovable...etc.... i have come a long way, and still have a long way to go.

 

Learning to turn that inner critic off is important and not so easy...

 

but i have a choice, to believe this crticizing voice in my head or not to....

 

hang in their... and focus on you now... your feelings, thoughts and try to catch those negative thoughts especially about the relationship, break up and him.

 

I put my ex on such a pedestal during our separation, that i wasnt looking at her, or listening to her... strange...

 

be well, pm me if you feel like talking..

[Hope75]

Buba,

 

Have you looked into Al Anon yet? Or a group for codependancy? I think you will find a tremendous amount of support in one or both of these groups. You really need support right now, and having no friends in the country doesn't help.

 

When do you start school? You will meet new people there as well, and learning new skills will be a boost for your self esteem.

 

I highly recommend looking into Al Anon, or a codependant support group this weekend if you can. The sooner you surround yourself with people who have been where you are, the sooner you will start to feel better.

 

Also, what about private counselling?

[buba]

Hope, I will start school on Tuesday.

Can't wait.

As Brando said, it always gets worse before it gets better.

Today I am at piece.

Will try to keep it that way.

Yesterday evening, after a show a woman brought me flowers.

Someone, I don't know.She said that she loves my music and it felt pretty good.

I appreciate kindness so much more now.

I wander if my pain is written all over my face ...

I pray every day. My body is weak from all those cigarrettes I now smoke.

I used to hate smoking...

I feel like I am trying to recover from an addiction to my abusive ex.

Cravings, withdrawls, madness, despair, anger...

All those emotions at once.

But I will have to break this cycle, I know It's me now.

My problem, not his.

I invested a lot of energy into this marriage, now there is just this black hole... I will pull through this.Somehow I will.

[michelemybell]

Hi Buba,

Yes, trying to move on from someone you love has some of the same symptoms of an addiction. It is hard!! I went through it, and I honestly thought I'd never get better. But here I am, two years later, a much better person. I miss him sometimes, but I like myself better now. A breakup forced me to go after my goals, so in a way, it was the best thing that ever happened to me, in an odd sort of way. It was a wake up call. It is the same thing for you. Just hang in there.

[buba]

Michelle, I will.

Tomorrow will be tough, 4th of july...

Last year we had a barbecue with his family.

I am breaking a lot of self distracting bones in my body, trying to quit my addiction to him. From now on I'll look at it this way.

I am a love addict and need to quit cold turkey.

Realizing this helps a bit.

[thisisnotanexit]

keep hangin in there, we're still here for you. you're making progress, even though i know you feel lost. i'm so proud of you. you will get over this. take care of yourself and please try your best to stay away from the alcohol. please, be safe.

 

good luck with school - and remember, you're not alone.

 

check out this site - i think it can help you

link removed

[buba]

Just a little update on my tiny progress.

I am starting to forgive myself for being really weak and leaving him that "Miss you " message a few weeks ago...

I will start my M.A programm in Clinical Psychology today.

I am still hurting, but acceptance is starting to creep in.

I miss him still, but realise how sick he is...

I wanted to spend the rest of my life loving him and waking up next to him. I wanted to stay married.

I can't compete with an addiction...

I can't join him, cause I want to do something with my life.

I don't want to waste away.

Alone doesn't mean lonely.

I am a good person who married an addict, I am worthy.

I deserve better.

So, here I am. A bit better.

Just wanted to share.