Help me, I am drowning...

[buba]

Mishelle, once again thank's for your kind support.

It's normal to feel a bit blue during the holidays, I try to stay busy and get out of the house as much as possible.

I am sort of glad that 2005 is over, it was the worst year of my life.

Do you think I should go to court in a few weeks and take a Guy friend?

I have a weird feeling that he is going to bring his girlfriend along, just to hurt me one more time... Never seems enough...

NC is a great tool, I've learned to discipline myself, to control my emotions, it was sooooooooo hard to do at times, but I do believe in Karma and hopefully Universal Justice will take over one day and I will be happy again. Don't you agree?

[michelemybell]

Yes, I do believe in karma and the more centered and focused you are, good things will come your way. Try to stay positive, and continue doing well in school. And, as good karma continues your way, your ex will continuously be surrounded by bad karma. Sometimes it's hard to understand that because you may think "Oh, he has a girlfriend now and is happy". But trust me, he is living in his own personal hell because he has created it for himself. Not many unemployed mama's boys are too happy with themselves.

I know being in this situation can be still tough, but hang in there.

If it makes you feel better, then bring someone to the court proceeding. Either way, go in there looking good and with tons of confidence. He will notice that more, I promise you.

[innbranna]

Hi, Buba!

 

I just wanted to wish you luck in court tomorrow (today?). Whether you're going alone or not, I picture you with your chin up.

 

When I got dumped in August and found this forum, I read your thread from the first post to the last. It kept me breathing for those first crucial days. It's somehow important to me to let you know that. It put my own case into some perspective. And I kept wondering how this good-for-nothing guy could attract and keep the love of a great woman like yourself. It says something about the capacity a person has to love, doesn't it?

 

Let's hope that capacity can be put to some better use. I'm so glad your existence is bearable now So is mine, even though it has happened so gradually I haven't even noticed the change.

[buba]

Here I go again...

I went to court on the 17th, showed up with a guy(just a friend of mine, but my ex doesn't know that he is just a friend).

my ex showed up alone, no momma this time. He was sitting outside on the patio and I saw him through the window, he was chain smoking sigarrettes and looked really sad( he didn't know I was able to see him).

When we entered the court room, I was holding my friend's hand and looked really happy(Fake.)

I got my Divorce finalized and asked him for nothing, forgave him the debt that he owes me, I bet he was shoked to see my generosity.

We left the court room separately, never said a word to each other.

Next day was his birthday and I send him a busket with a beautiful Flower arrangement. Why? I have no idea. I guess I needed it. After seing him on that patio I can't help but miss him and the time when things were good...

He never called to thank me for giving him uncontested divorce and for the flowers...

Bad relapse of pain.

Haven't left the room or picked up the phone in 24 hours.

I really miss him again, I wish I didn't have to see him looking so sad.

I care. Damn, I still care. There is this electricity that shoots right through my viens when I see him, this weird urge to hold him...

I just want to scream! It's over.

It's now official and I am messed up again, almost like a year of separation never happened.

I regret sending him flowers, what was the point of bringing a guy to court if a day later I am sending him flowers with a card that says:

Happy Birthday!

May all you dreams come true,

Love, always..

 

What the hell am I thinking!

The man still lives with mother at 35!

I can't help but care and I have zero respect for myself at this point.

[michelemybell]

Hi Buba,

Of course you're still going to have feelings. He was your husband. But he put himself in this predicament and there's nothing to do except what you have been doing---moving on in a positive direction in your own life. Remember you cannot fix him. He's probably depressed because he realizes what a loser he is. And seeing you with your friend probably made him feel like even more of a loser. But guess what? He deserves it!!! Dont feel bad. He deserves 100% of everything he's feeling.

You handled yourself with class; and sending flowers was a nice gesture.

You deserve beautiful things in your life. He was only bringing you down. Remember, life is short. You cant waste it on someone who brings negativity into your life.You deserve a GREAT guy. Not crumbs.

Consider this a temporary setback and get back on track. Concentrate on school and your career and taking care of yourself.

Something I like to do: Write down all the positive things that has been going on in your life since your relationship ended with him. (If you want to, post it on here). I'm sure there is a lot of things you can be proud of. You'll realize that you can live without him and that in retrospect, he was really bringing you down!

[buba]

thank's Michelle.

You're absolutely right, but I am really surprised at my own reaction....

I thought I was doing so much better.

You don't think the flowers made me look weak after it was all over?

It's really hard to realize that it was the very last time I saw him.

A part of me doesn't want to agree with this.

Depressed, motionless, unwilling to do anything nurturing for myself...

Good Bye, love.

[curlygirl47]

I have a friend --- an ex, actually, who loves me and wants ME back, but that's another story.. anyway, he's a recovering alcoholic, and one time when I was suffering over another breakup (yes, he's been around that long and waited that long), he told me, "You don't have to be strong forever; you don't have to not call him forever; you don't have to not see him forever; you just have to do it for 24 hours, and you can do that." It's the same as not drinking, you see. We can handle the next 24 hours. Let's try that. I'm there with you, sweetie, and hurting like hell and missing my ex. It's been 7 days of No contact, and today it feels like it's peaking. I'm going to postpone doing ANYTHING for 24 hours. We are here for you and suffering with you. I actually tried to hurt myself a few times a while back when the first panic was setting in --- not to kill myself, but to cut myself, drink too much, take pills, etc. --- and I know how you feel.

[michelemybell]

Buba,

Sending flowers doesn't make you look weak. However, everytime you do something--like call him or send him stuff--it sets you back 10 steps. That's because you'll end up dwelling on his response (or lack thereof) to these gestures. He gives you no response and you end up feeling really bad and rejected again. So promise, no more calling him or sending him stuff, okay??!!!

I've done it myself with my ex that dumped me and pretty much abandoned me. He was the one I mentioned before that reminds me of your ex---druggy, unemployed, lives with mom, etc. I sent him notes, gifts to him and his family. And it got me nowhere. It wont make a guy change his mind.

Buba, you gotta keep reminding yourself that you're better than this. Reread your old posts. A guy like your ex and my ex are not worth it. Would you advise me to go back to my ex who once said he loved me and adored me but then ended up treating me worse than poop, used me, cheated on me and made me feel bad about myself? You would tell me to run far away from that situation!!!

Do you feel bad about being rejected? I know it's hard to think, "well if he loved me, why wouldn't he change for me?" That's because even if you were Mother Theresa or Miss Universe, he'd act the same way. It's not you. He's really screwed up and no woman is going to change that.

I would say getting rejected by a loser guy shouldn't be the end of the world. In fact, count your blessings that you have a guardian angel looking out for you. You might feel some pain in your heart now, but you were spared a lifetime of lowlife misery! Write down all the things you wont be missing with this relationship---such as fighting with your ex because he once again lost his job; having no money and being the sole provider in your family even after you have children; how you can't trust him and if he left you after you had children, how would you survive then (on welfare?); having to always be put second place to his mom; etc.

I think you need to work harder on taking your ex off the pedestal you placed him on. You gotta put yourself higher than him, where you honestly believe in your heart that it was HIS lost, not YOURS. Do things that boost yourself up. You said that you were back in school. That is an awesome start.

Hang in there Buba. You're going through a temporary setback. Get refocused.

Michele

[buba]

Thank you Michelle and curlygirl...

After crying for a couple of days I got up and took a Bath. I made it through school and decided to try and make it through the day.

Not through a week or a lifetime,-just a day.

Michelle, it's so true... Rejection hurts like a thousand knives right through your heart. A year of healing is gone down the drain after I saw him and I got to start counting again...

Day 4 of NC. All over again. This pain makes you feel like a little kid, helpless.

I wanted a reaction, A "thank you", I wanted to be recognised, noticed, wanted to know I existed...

I decided to take time and be alone for as long as I need. To consentrate on my career and studys, to come to terms that it's now over for good and I will never find justice in any of it.

It's hard and I might never love again. At least, that's how I feel right now. I just want to be alone.

[pilot1ab]

Hey bubba,

Let me tell you, as a guy....if I were in his shoes, and I've asked other guys this as well, and my ex sent me flowers after a divorce....I would feel even more shi**y. I would think that she has that much strength.....that much compassion...that much confidence. I would think that she is completely over everything to be able to make a gesture in such sincereity. Take it as that. You did the right thing, and in the end you showed him how much you've moved on, and how strong you are. It takes guts to do what you did, and he will never know your "true" emotinal feelings. All he will know is that this woman, going through a divorce, has enough stability to wish me well. "What have I lost."......

[buba]

Pilot, thank you so much for the words of comfort...

The problem is, he is a Pothead, who is self medicating 24/7.

it will probably never occur to him to realize that he is a jerk.

In any event, i am trying to persevere. It's a lot to take. last month I lost my mother to addiction, she passed away Dec.12th...

A month later i lost my marriage to addiction...

We can't compete with this monster, it will always win.

It's a sad fact of life. I am grieving both of their departures at the same time. It's damn hard.

I would love to believe in what you're saying, pilot.

I hope he gets it one day. i really do. As a child of an alcoholic, I care.

I cared for mom, watching her waisting away for 20 years.

I cared for him too, hoping that our love will save him from this monster...

I was wrong.

[michelemybell]

Hi Buba,

I may say some things you wont like here. Your mother and your husband were weak and chose to ruin their lives with drugs and alcohol. It was their choice. Addictions are hard to break, but I've seen a good friend of mine (he was a meth addict) turn from living on the streets and losing everything (and I mean everything) and find the strength to turn his life around. He had less than your husband and your mom in terms of support and means to do it. He was predispositioned toward addiction since he already had a history of it in his childhood. He struggles through it everyday, but he is winning.

The thing is, you could do nothing for them. Only they could've done it for themselves. I could do nothing for my friend. I also could do nothing for my drug-addicted ex.

So, my point is, the monster doesn't always win. It only wins against those that dont want to risk feeling like cr*p for awhile. It's easier to take drugs and drink than deal with reality. Wouldn't we all love to take drugs everytime we feel bad? When I'm feeling lonely and anxious about something, I'd love to take a Xanax!!! But I go to the gym instead.

The fact that your mom couldn't control herself doesn't mean that you shouldn't love her and that she wasn't good in other ways. But understand that she had other options. So did your husband.

I dont think it's an accident that you also chose a guy with a substance abuse problem. People often do that when they've grown up with parents who were alcoholics or in mentally unstable households. You may have picked your husband because it reminded you of your mom, and maybe you thought if everything worked out with him and he could change, you would somehow repair the damage you suffered with your parents. The problem is, it doesn't ever work. You're left feeling like a failure and abandoned again.

You may want to seek out some help with this before you once again repeat history with someone else. A healthy guy is not going to appeal to you when you have this kind of history.

I know Dr. Laura is not everyone's cup of tea, but she has a new book out right now called "Bad Childhood, Good Life" that deals with this situation.

Buba, everytime I read your posts, I think of a quote from the movie Legally Blonde: "If you're going to let one stupid * * * * * ruin your life, you're not the girl I thought you were!" And then I think about that scene in Thelma and Louise, when Louise (I think it was her) was at a gas station in the desert and looked around and saw these old women looking back at her---The women had sad faces and looked like they suffered greatly in their lives, probably at the hands of a bad guy. You dont want to be like those old women one day.

Okay, I rambled a lot here!!!

Michele

[usedand abused]

Stop blaming yourself for the break up . Hes a big boy and if he was not happy he could have spoken maturely to you about the problems.Why were you nagging him in the first place? Im sure you had a valid reason to nag him and forget now because of the loss you suffered .Could he have a part to blame in this? Perhaps hes used to being looked after by his Mother and expected you to do the same .If thats the case then he has issues and not you.

The fact he wants to divorce but still wants to date is strange. Does he want his cake and eat it? Is he too immature for a grown up relationship?

Ask yourself do you want to be a Mother or an equal partner?

I can understand that you still love him and therfore, I think you should fight for your relationship. Ask him if you could go to councelling together and try and work it out.Tell him how much you love him but down downsize your feelings either. Always remember how gorgeous and special you are and that you deserve to be treated well and be happy

[michelemybell]

Used and Abused,

I disagree with your advice to Buba to fight for the relationship. If you've read the history of this thread, this is not a normal guy she is dealing with. He is a drug abuser, lives with his mother at age 35, is chronically unemployed, and is overall not a good guy. This is not a healthy relationship to be in. So what if Buba has her own problems. We all do. It doesn't mean you should solve your own problems by trying to make it work no matter what with a loser guy. Women (and men) really need to use their heads in these situations. Not only for themselves but for children they will one day bring into this world. They dont need this instability.

Also, if you read the entire thread for this topic, you will see that Buba has (mistakenly in my opinion) tried many times to make it work with him. IMO, she needs to work on herself and find someone who equally wants to be in a relationship. And someone who is healthy and doesn't need to be fixed.

Just my two cents!

[buba]

thank you guys.

usedand, There is no chance in talking or reconsiliation...

It's not even a question.

Michelle, how long did it take you to get over your pothead?

Did he ever regret loosing you?

Ever got independent?

i need to work on myself and my issues with trying to save people, help them...

Yes, this is how I was conditioned, it brings me home.

I am terribly depressed, I wish to be validated.

It almost feels like a withdrawal from a drug(my Ex).

I lost myself in this brutal mess. I was thinking about ending my life again, but have no guts to do it. So, I won't.

What kind of life is this? Every day is agony and I hate missing the good times that we shared...

Soooo sick of myself. I am trying though, walking through hell, really trying.

What a major relapse. I did't see it coming.

[curlygirl47]

I'm sorry you are so low. I am kind of on the bad side today, too, but not as low as I have been on some days. So count on getting an emotional lift at some point, and know that even if it is brief, it will carry you forward to the next one.

 

We are here for each other.

[michelemybell]

Hi Buba,

I went through all the same things you are going through. He did contact me once (a year after he dumped me)--he said he missed me, but I found out (through his family member and looking at his email--I know, wrong thing to do!) that he was already in several relationships and at the beginning of a new one when he contacted me. He was just playing me again. I probably was a backup just in case it didn't work out. Also he heard I was seeing someone, so it was probably just an ego thing to see if I still had interest in him. I told him that I didn't want to be part of his game anymore...and in the end he called me "psycho". That was about two years ago. I honestly dont know if he ever regretted losing me. I'd like to think so, but who knows.

 

How did I get through it? Like you, I was severely depressed for awhile. It's so hard when you feel like you were used and discarded and you aren't sure if you really mattered to that person. But I did exactly what you are doing Buba----I went back to school!!!! The hardest thing was finding the motivation within myself (without a guy) to make my life better. I ended up replacing the ups and downs of my previous relationship, with the challenge of doing well in some pretty tough college courses (I'm studying to be a veterinarian). And as you start separating yourself from the drama of your relationship and after some time has gone by, you'll find yourself making healthier choices, including in a relationship. It's extremely hard. Probably the toughest thing that I ever had to go through. But strangely, it became the most fulfilling time as well. You learn to rely on your own strength, something you probably wouldn't have if you were with him. It's weird--Sometimes situations like this make you stronger in other aspects of your life. For instance, I dont take B.S. anymore from people. When someone disrespects me, I speak up now.

 

Of course there are days (especially during that time of the month) where I think of my ex and I get depressed. I still have days where I'm so depressed about life that I just sit in the shower and cry. I think about him and wonder if I mattered at all with him. But it's just something you learn to live with and you will get through. You realize you are going to have those days, but that you will get through them once again and it's not the end of the world. That's because you are stronger than that.

 

And just remember Buba, a lot of people care for you and you matter to a lot of people. Dont you ever think about ending your life over some stupid guy!!! You are more important than that!!!

 

You will get through this Buba. Hang in there.

 

Michele

[buba]

Thank you Michelle, always appreciate your help.

You said that two years later you still get depressed over him...

My God, what a sad journey.

I am doing my best to persevere, went to the gym today, got a massage later...

Came back to my empty home and cried for a few minutes.

I just want him out of my system. Completely.

[michelemybell]

Hi Buba,

It's definitely not the same kind of depression that I had when we first broke up. I cant even classify what I go through now as depression. It's just sad moments. It's sometimes when I'm PMSing, or upset about life in general. Otherwise it doesn't affect anything I do now and it barely lasts long. My exe's niece and sister sometime message me and reminisce, so sometimes it brings up memories.

 

You may have memories of your relationship and that's okay. I think the harder you try to erase it, the more painful it becomes. I've learned to just deal with it. Just know that when you have a painful or sad moment, it is only temporary. Just get back on that horse and work through it. As long as you stay productive in your life, you will be fine. Your feelings about him will definitely fade over time.

[buba]

I wander if it's a good idea to send him a Valentine's card?

I don't like to play games. It's over, but I feel like sending a simple card...

In my heart I know it's probably not a good idea,

Advice please,before I drop it in a mailbox and regret it later.

[Hope75]

Hi Buba,

 

Oh honey, you know the answer we are going to give you. No, don't send him a card. You are divorced now, and that chapter of your life is over.

 

I hope that instead you will treat yourself on Valentine's day to a lovely dinner and a manicure, or a massage. You deserve that.

 

((HUGS))

[buba]

Thank's Hope

I really needed to hear that. Sometimes, especially around the Holidays or that time of the month my emotions just get so overwhelming, it's hard to be rational.

God, thank you Hope...

I almost dropped it in a mailbox.

I think I am bypolar or something... It's been too long and I am still depressed over my failed marriage.

[Hope75]

Buba,

 

Holidays, especially those designated as "romantic" ones, are sure to provoke some thoughts and memories over your ex husband. I don't think that is at all unusual to feel sad about this during these times, it's just how you choose to react to to it (as in: send the card or not?) that is where it can get you into trouble.

 

You did fine. you didn't send him the card, and you are back on track. Don't forget that even if you are missing him alot, you are still working hard at getting on with your life, with school, your friends, some dating, your talant...

 

Hang in there girl!

 

((HUGS))

[nebbish]

so buba, here we are after almost a year and 47 or something pages of posts.

 

the bad news: you have another year or so to go before you feel healthy again and strong inside. sounds like you're emaking progress, but give it some more time.

 

the good news: see therapist, keep going to class-- the more life that happens to you after the break up and without your ex the less life there will be that he has been involved in and the more your life will be your story again.

 

the sort of bad news sort of good news: if your relationship was that intense, you'll never be completely over him. but the pain will lessen over time and you will be like someone who has some mild arthritis in their hip. you take some advil, you limp for a little while, and the inflammation goes down. but you don't go out and get a hip replacement.

[Hope75]

 

the good news: see therapist, keep going to class-- the more life that happens to you after the break up and without your ex the less life there will be that he has been involved in and the more your life will be your story again.

 

This is a great sentence. So true!