Help me, I am drowning...

[octopus]

nebbish - i dont want to believe "if your relationship was so intense you'll never be completely over him".

 

Does that mean there's really only "ONE" for us in the world? In that case people shouldn't bother dating again after the loss of a love.

 

You might be right, but I hope you are not, and I want to believe everyone comes into our lives for a reason, and that reason or the lesson we learn will help make things better next time.

[Hope75]

nebbish - i dont want to believe "if your relationship was so intense you'll never be completely over him".

 

Does that mean there's really only "ONE" for us in the world? In that case people shouldn't bother dating again after the loss of a love.

 

You might be right, but I hope you are not, and I want to believe everyone comes into our lives for a reason, and that reason or the lesson we learn will help make things better next time.

 

You know octopus,

 

I firmly believe that there is more than 1 "one" for us in the life. Each person that we love and invest time and emotion in is there for a certain time and purpose, but having thought I found my "one" years ago and then realizing that he was not the one I was to spend my life with and having since found my present bf, whom I hope to marry and have a family with, I definitely think you can and will find a love in your future that is even deeper, and richer than the one that you lost.

 

Buba, that goes for you too.

 

((HUGS))

[nebbish]

octopus i didn't mean to sya there's only "one" for us. clearly (and for my own sake, hopefully) there is more than "one" for us.

 

that being said, i also believe that really intense relationships never leave us. i didn't mean to be too depressing but instead of saying buba will never be completely over him, or whatever it was i said, i should have been more blunt and said if it was that intense she will be scarred forever. eventually the wounds will heal but there will always be that scar tissue there, like an old sports injury or, for me, how my fingers on one hand will always be sort of crooked for the rest of my life from a bike wreck. she will be able to move on and find some new relationship but there will always be a scar form this one. she just has to deal with it.

 

we give a piece of ourselves in intense relationships and when the relaitonship ends we dont get that piece back and we are never quite as good as new without that piece. that's why it hurts so badly when those things end. metaphorically speaking. im sure there is a simpler neuro-biological explanation but we aren't here to discuss that.

[buba]

Thank you guys, I appreciare your support.

Thank you for being there for me through this mess.

Nebbish, I think you're right. I will probably never be completely over it.

I just really hope that one day I will be able to trust man again.

Right now I am not capable. I go on dates, but it;s not really helping much... You're saying that it might take another year or so...

You might be right. I think I am afraid of getting hurt again, I don;t think I can handle it. I gave this men my all, wanted this marriage to work...

You just can't compete with addiction, it will always be their first choice.

But I am so relieved that I didn't send this card. Thank you Hope!

I bought my puppy a Valentines present. How silly is that!

Oh, well... Better than nothing, right?

Hope, I know you were in a stormy relationship with someone similar to my ex. How long did it take you to recover? Did he ever regret loosing you?

Ever got clean? God! It was a Hell of a year for me.

So glad you're still here to help.

At least I am not suicidal any more. I never knew of such pain. Now I know. Hope, I am really happy for you and your new relationship. Isn't it the best reveange? To live well and not dwell in the past?

I still have a long road ahead of me. Right now I am O.K on my own, still not ready to get serious with anyone. Nebbish, I guess I will be limping for a while longer(always like your analogy with medical conditions).

Some people heal faster if they rush into a new relationship...

Doesn't work with me.

[nebbish]

well bubayou're making progress in that you don't feel the suicidal pain.

 

and you will grow fomr this somehow. you will limp probably for the rest of your life. but if you think about it, our culture is filled with images of people who were maimed for no physical reasons: in the bible, jacob became israel only after he wrestled with the angel all night long and limped for the rest of his life; in norse mythology, odin gave his eye for wisdom; recall the pangs of conscience shakespeare reports afflicted macbeth; in our own time, all the people afflicted with ptsd. living a full life comes with a price. it's not free.

 

but you should read your first posts and see how far you've progressed.

[buba]

Happy Valentine's day to all the beautiful, lonely hearts on this forum!

It helps to know that i am not alone felling down today.

It's been 3.5 weeks since my divorce was final.

It's been 2 months since my mom passed away.

I wonder if next year will be the same...

I am really starting to wander...

[Hope75]

Happy Valentine's Day buba!

 

((BIG HUGS))

 

I hope you treated yourself to something special today, you deserve that.

It's definitely been a tough year for you, but I have a feeling that things are looking up for you now that the storm has passed.

 

Hope, I know you were in a stormy relationship with someone similar to my ex. How long did it take you to recover? Did he ever regret loosing you?

Ever got clean? God! It was a Hell of a year for me.

 

It took me awhile, probably about 1.5 years for him and then a few more years on top of that for the abuse and learning to trust others and my own judgement.

 

He did have regrets, but he never has gotten clean. (he is now married and is still abusive to his wife- I have contact with mutual friends of his and they staged a few interventions against the abuse and drugging/drinking, but it hasn't stopped- I left him almost 8 years ago! It's still happening!)

 

buba,

 

Don't ever question if you made the right choice, because you did, and now you give yourself the chance to suceed in life and showed that you loved yourself enough to not put up with that treatment, and when the time is right you opened the door to find love and respect from a man who deserves you.

 

Happy Valentine's Day!

[nebbish]

you know buba, you are blessed in that you CAN move on.

 

my wife and i are finally splitting the blanket but because we have children we can NEVER be totally rid of her. in fact, but for the children, i feel like i have gotten a good handle on my life for now. but there will always be friction because of the xw's controlling nature.

 

note to hope: men aren't the only emotional abusers. society just doesn't have the same sympathy for abused men. (not that you said they weren't-- but coming out of that situation i can empathize with you)

 

back to buba: your mother wil always be with you. yeah it's sad she's gone-- i had buried both my parents by 36-- but that's the natural order and your life and success are tributes to her mothering. that's something you should draw strength from.

[buba]

One of those days...

I realized that I am starting to hate holidays.

Need some support today. The sadness found it's way to crawl under my skin today. God, I am tired.

Went on a date last night. Dinner and conversation. Zero chemistry, zero desire to even try. Am going on another date today, trying to run away from memories, from sadness.

I just want to get drunk or something. I don't want to feel anything.

Trust me, I am trying to move on. It's just not happening.

So I diled his #. He picked up the phone and yelled at me before he hang up.

He said Why the hell are you calling? I have nothing nice to say to you... So, stop!

I Divorced you, stop bothering..."

all of you will say that I am an idiot. I agree. No comment. Regrets?

Not really, everything is screwed up anyway. I never had a chance to have a normal conversation with him. It hurts the most. He is mad at me. Furious.

Why? why can't he just admit that I existed?

Stupid, obsessive behavior on my part. I know. I miss him still. I think I will always miss him.

Damn, I am so tired of being weak.

Life could be such a sad, lonely place.

Just one of those days...

I dont expect you to cheer me up, I know it was wrong.

I just wanted to share.

[Hope75]

Hi Buba,

 

I'm sorry that you had a tough day. Those happen, and it's certainly no fun, is it?

 

Don't beat yourself up for calling him, you felt weak.

 

What you saw when you called him is a good reason not to do it again, since all it did was upset him and hurt you.

 

I hope that you are feeling better now, take a hot bath, make yourself a nice cup of tea and take it easy.

 

Tomorrow will be better.

 

((HUGS))

[metalheart]

Everybody here in the forum knows how you're feeling, buba..

 

You're not a stupid nor obsessival person. You only tried to get back the man you've loved and show him all the feeling you had for him. But definitely did a mistake when you called him..

 

If you're feeling more emptier with the datings, maybe you should stop them.. at least for a while, until you feel more "secure" about yourself.

 

Dating at this time, when you still aren't over him may cause make you feel inadequate. Besides, it can brings you easily memories from the time when you were dating to your ex husband..

 

I think that those flashbacks and "Ghosts" (Cause he is every man that you see and at the same time, anyone its like him), are the most annoying and hurting thing about a breakup.

 

As i've experienced by myself and through another people experiences.. Looking for your ex its the most USELESS and HURTFUL thing that the dumpee does. Please buba, don't put youself into that situation.. all you'll get its more pain ( YEAH, EVEN IF IT SOUNDS NEAR IMPOSSIBLE) and more doubts about you, he and the relationship in general.

 

Even if its so painful.. try to give yourself one moment at the day, where you be able to cry, scream or just reflexionate about all that mess..The idea of doing this its that step by step, you started to accept that he's gone and no matter what you do, WAS HIS DECISION.. you can't change that unless he wants do it.

 

By other hand, it will help you to be "okay" alone.. until with the past of the days you can pass more and more time in a day alone without feeeling "lonely". ( Remember something that many of us forgets during the pain of a Breakup: Alone and Lonely are two different things )

 

Give time to yourself to heal.

 

I hope you feel better day by day..

 

My best Wishes to You... Good Luck

[buba]

Thanks Hope and metalheart.

Still don't understand why he is so hostile and angry at me...

I gave him uncontested divorce, didn't ask for a dime back( considering I supported him financially, he was always unemployed.)

I gave him what he wanted. I send flowers for his Birthday.

I can't stand this hatred.It's killing me. What did I do to deserve it?

Why am I such a monster?

What the hell did I do to deserve to be hated like that?

Reading other people posts I realized, that at least Dumpers talk to the ones they left, they say that they're sorry for hurting them...

I got none of it. Just pure, cruel hatred and silence, and it ruins my self esteem, my self-worth, my sanity.It's almost like he loves hurting me. Likes making me feel like a "minus", not even a "zero".

So, he left me to live with mother and smoke his weed. Fine! Go ahead! Do it! But why such hatred? Why? Why? Why?

[metalheart]

You're not a monster buba..

 

As far as i can see from your posts, you're a very good person.

 

 

And..

Reading other people posts I realized, that at least Dumpers talk to the ones they left, they say that they're sorry for hurting them...

 

These people are "very lucky" for me cause, in my case my 4yrs ex gf dumped me and EVERYTIME that i tried approach to her to talk about it, was very hurting, unrespectful, humilliant, hostile, and uncaress as i never seen on a person anytime...

 

That behavior from her part, costed me (and sometimes still) a lot of suffering trying to understand.. I went at a point when i cry, lost weight, feeling like a walking dead, even had suicidal thoughts, .. without doing anything wrong.. and this question spinning in my mind: All this.. Just for loving her!? Its not fair!

 

Looking back to that days, i really feel that in same point, she made me lost my own sanity, as she take away my dignity, my self esteem leaving me into this what i call: "Emotional Bankruptcy" or "Emotional Death".

 

You have no idea about all the things she tell me and did me until to make me feel like something lesser than the ground where i walk, a shadow of myself, no matter how polite, loving and respectful i was to her. She didn't regret about it neither about the way she has treated me since the last time that we talked (Almost a year ago).

 

So I know what you're going through and believe me.. This man doesn't deserves more of your Time and Love.

 

Take my advice.. don't fall in that trap buba

[michelemybell]

Hi Buba and Everyone,

 

There's a lot of great advice on this board!

 

Buba, I think most people who have been "dumped" get that treatment from the dumper. I think it's just their way of dealing with it (by not dealing with it). They make you out to be the bad person because it relieves them of the guilt. I know it stinks, but that is the way it is. You will never find the answers you want from him. You just have to accept it. (And honestly, you dont want to have a relationship with this kind of person. You want a relationship with someone that when you have a disagreement, you can talk openly and work on it with the other person, even if you dont always agree and even if you end up breaking up. Your ex sounds like the type that will avoid and run from life's problems, and probably doesn't know how to compromise at all. I can't see any relationship working out for him. )

 

I think once you stop calling him, stop sending him stuff, stop obsessing...he may come around to talk to you. (That's a big maybe---It may not happen). Just whenever you have that temptation to call or send him something, have a list on hand of 5 things you will do between the thought and the action. I know it sounds silly, but it works. It will give you enough time in between to think about what you are doing. You did well coming to this board before sending the V-day card!

 

Are you in school Buba? Reading back at your previous posts, it seems that when you were active in school, it seemed that you didn't obsess so much over your ex. I know when I'm studying for a test or doing a project, it occupies my mind where I dont obsess about things. It's when I have too much time on my hands that I get depressed and want to do depressing obsessive things, like look up information about my ex on the internet!

[buba]

Thanks Metalhead and Michelle.

I realized that this kind of obsessive behavior happeneds around Holidays and weekends.

When I am busy at school or playing shows, I am surrounded by great people and it's easier to deal with the pain.

Michelle, I feel like such a pathetic looser for calling him yesterday.

At this point, I don't even care what he thinks of me.

He always liked inflicting pain on me. It made him fell like he is somebody.

Common now, most of the time he is unemployed, lives with mother in one bedroom condo, fries his brain on weed 24/7 and when he does get a job as a bartender at a local bar, it usually lasts for a few months and he gets fired or quits.

Mom(enabler) is always there to provide shelter. Mom, who is a functioning alcoholic, compulsive gambler, who had three divorces and lives of her spousal support, mom who hated all of his previous girlfriends, who was always in the middle. Mom, who spend our wedding night in the same hotel room in Vegas. Mom, who knew of every word I said, mom, who served me with Divorce papers, who ordered me to get rid of our child when I came to her crying, cause I wanted to keep the baby. She was the one I had to ask first. How could you survive all this without getting severely depressed?

I don't even know how I managed to live through this mess for 15 months.

I know, some people are just cruel. Evil.

And they find me, cause I care. I took him on a trip abroad, paid with my credit card, never saw a dime back.

I wanted him to see the world, he loved seing St. Petersburg,Russia in the winter, Mexican resort... Or, he loved it! He said that one day he would want me to not work for a year, cause he really wants to take care of me.

One day... Well here is my day. I am pathetic! I was his mother's replacement. I loved him and he loved a free ride.

You should of seen those love letters he used to write to me...

Thanking god every day for the fact that I married him.

Pathetic. I am pathetic for holding on to this ba***it!

And I called yesterday, and I cried and told him that I missed him.

I think that they would be so happy if I was dead or something.

Both of them. They hate me. In their minds I wasn't good enough, I should of never called the cops when he broke the door and wanted to hit me with a bottle, hey, did I mention that he is 6.7 tall?

When he would yell and raise his fists, when he would corner me, block my way out of the closet... It was really scary at times. Such abusive anger!

Both of them. But when he was nice, he was the nicest. Most romantic soul that ever walked this earth, everybody thought he was such a sweetheart, most charming.

He would cook for our friends, tell them how blessed he is to have a wife like me, it looked so great to the outside world.

until I had enough and called the cops. Than it bacame public. The neighboors saw,it was his biggest fear. It was not happening behind closed doors any more. Even though he wasn't arrested,(I told the cops that he was screaming and breaking the door into te bathroom where I locked myself).

After that day his brutal punishment started. Divorce, hatred, war.

He was very sucessful at that too.

I suffered sooooooooo much, it's sick.

And I even said I was sorry. I wanted to die, I started to drink, smoke sigarrettes, abused my body, cause I stopped caring for myself. I know I am a survivor of emotional abuse.

But, Damn! I just want some answers. Why me? In such brutal manner?

Dont know any more. I hate them both for ruining my life.

They are great at that.It's probably the only thing they are brilliant at!

[michelemybell]

Buba, I will write more later but I just wanted to respond quickly to something you wrote. You said: "I hate them both for ruining my life."

 

On the contrary!!! They would've ruined your life if you stayed in that situation. I know it's really really hard to see it this way, but think of his rejection as him giving you your life back.

Picture his mom in your mind. Picture her life. She sounds like some bitter old woman who probably hates men because of the dumpy way they treated her. She is ruined. That's what your life would've been if this relationship lasted. Do you want to be pathetic like that?? I sure hope not.

 

You are one of the lucky few that got away from an abusive relationship. Someone, somewhere (a guardian angel perhaps?) SAVED you from ruining your life.

[buba]

Thank you, Michelle.

I am going on a cruise for seven days.

I need it. Enough suffering!

[blender]

buba,

 

you will be okay, I promise, it's so difficult when we have to "let go" and that is exactly what you HAVE to do, even if you just "act as if" you are letting go, because I know in your heart it seems impossible to do so.. but please remember that in life we don't always get what we WANT, but what we NEED does come to us, and although this is an extremely painful time for you, it is what you NEED, this man will never "move on" from you, believe me, YOU are what is so special, YOU are the "healthier" person in your relationship, because you can GIVE of yourself, because you have a sense of SELF..he does not...

 

please DON'T feel badly because you let him know you were disappointed that he was not "pulling his wieght" financially or otherwise in the relationship, BE PROUD that you let him know this, remember you are no good to anyone, expecially someone you love if you do not take care of YOU and speak the TRUTH, even if it is something he does NOT want to hear, it is the truth.

 

YOU DESERVE someone who will take care of you, and himself. This guy has so much to learn and at the age of 33, he probably unfortunately is "set in his pattern" especially with his Mom around...

 

Let go Buba, you are worthy of a mature loving relationship. Even though it is unimaginable to you right now that anyone or anything can replace what you shared with this man..

 

I promise you if you work on taking care of YOU the good will follow, and perhaps it can even be with this man... but until you take care of YOU, only YOU, can you ever be in a honest, good, secure relationship with anyone, even him....

 

I've been where you are now, honestly, I never-ever thought I'd move beyond it... I felt hopeless and sad, and cried myself to sleep for over a year...and then one day, I just "let go", I realized I was powerless over anything, or anyone other than ME.... and I started to heal... and he contacted me.. and I wasn't even sure I wanted "him"...

 

Sure, I wanted the "him" I believed he "could" be, but not the guy he actually was... the same "issues" would rise again...

 

YOU'RE INSTINCTS WERE RIGHT, when you let him know you were disappointed that he wasn't working and YOU were... that is OKAY, that is "right", not wrong.... even if it made him leave, it's what is right,

 

I KNOW YOU THINK IT WOULD BE WORTH WALKING ON EGGSHELLS THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IF YOU COULD JUST HAVE HIM... but it wouldn't be.. trust this... and try to "let go" and see what unfolds, if only "one day at a time".... my thoughts are with you, you will triumph...

[buba]

Thank you, Blender.

I know that I deserve better. I gave and gave and gave...

All of myself.

And it's O.K.,that he left me cause I set boundaries, but it's the hatred and hostility that kills me.

I am even embarrassed to admit that my mothers death 2 months ago didn't hurt as much as this. Cause I know, she is in a good place now and there is no hatred...

This is just brutal! But again, what else should I expect?

Selfish, drugged momma's boy.

Oh! the choices we make sometimes...

N.C . is a good thing. It helped me until I relapced and acted weak and stupid...

Everyone on this forum is right about N.C.

His Hatred and rage stems from his low self-esteem, I hope he will realize one day what damage and pain he inflicted on me.

I am going on the cruise alone. I am sooooooo tired to feel sick and tired.

Just want to go somewhere tropical, take some time to self-reflect.

But again, I am a bit anxious about being restless and sad even there.

It's becoming a part of my existence.

How much longer? I just want to forget him.

[blender]

buba,

 

It took me awhile, and yes I understand that sometimes this "rejection" feels worse then if someone is lost through death. Because it's like there is this living ghost, who you can not touch the (ex), but hold on, hang in there, be careful, take care of you. And don't feel badly about having a "weak" moment when you contacted him.. just try one day at a time the "no contact".. if I can get through it, so can you.

 

And believe me, I was aching, just old fashioned heart ache, so painful, I know.. but somehow, it started to pass and lift off my heart..yes it did take time, and NO I did not meet someone else yet.. I just decided NO CONTACT and each day I got a bit stronger, yeah, there were days where I was back at square one in the heartache department, but those are FEELINGS, NOT FACTS....

 

Please know that you have the ability to love this deeply and feel this sadness is a GOOD thing, it means you are healthier than your ex.. he has so much to learn and I think at his age, he probably won't be learning too much more.. I bet you will see that he will NOT be moving on..in any sense, but will always be right where he is, because like that say "no matter where he goes, there HE is".. things won't change for him, but they can for you, FOR THE BETTER...

 

You would have lost your whole self to this man in the long run and that is NO way to live.. trust me, I've been there, I was willing to give up anything to have my ex back, and I truly believed it... but now with some perspective and a stronger heart, I know I would NOT want that life.. he's not going anywhere, just take care of you and you'll see he will always be right where he is... with HIMSELF... You're going to sparkle, it will take awhile, but it will happen... be careful on your cruise, don't drink too much, try to stay in control of the the only thing you have "control" of...YOU...

[buba]

Blender, Thank you for your reply. I have been on this forum for almost a year and I feel like I now have so many beautiful, supportive friends from all over the world. People that care. People that went through such tremendous pain and survived. You provided so many answers to my questions and I am so grateful for having you all in my life.

I wish you all happiness. I pray for you all.

The world would of been so much greater if there were more people like you...,less cruelty and ignorance.

I am packing my bags, the ship leaves on Sunday.

I am going on the "singles cruise" to beautiful, tropical places...

I just want to feel the salty air on my skin, get massages, relax in the spa...

I want to put it all behind me and , God knows, may be I will even meet someone who will make me smile...

I will be in touch( the ship has internet cafe), hopefully I will have some good news.

I started working with addiction, providing individual councelling in a clinic(It's part of my Masters programm in Clinical Psychology)

I still have a year to go, but helping them change their lives makes me feel really good. I see the patterns, the loops, low self esteem, rage, hostility, denial, blame...

Some of my clients break down and cry, some regret loosing their families, children. Some are court mandated and they hate being there.

They hide in Defensive Grandiosity and anger...

They remind me of my ex. I like what I do. I like helping people.

I still have a long way to recovery, but I know that it will happened one day and I thank you all for helping me through.

[Diggitydave]

Buba, I don't know you, and I don'tknow your pain, but if it is/was anything like mine. I feel for you. I hope you're doing well, I am only on day 3 of NC

[kadvati79]

buba,

...this man will never "move on" from you, believe me, YOU are what is so special, YOU are the "healthier" person in your relationship, because you can GIVE of yourself, because you have a sense of SELF..he does not...

 

God, a light just went on in my head. I can't really explain why this fits to my situation... but I just wanted to say. Thanks for posting that because it makes so much sense to me.

[blender]

Icemotoboy, I'm so happy my words meant something to you.. they certainly took me awhile to "grow" into.. I've had my heart broken in half...but in time I am realizing the "facts" are "facts" and the "feelings' are just my way of dealing and healing with all of it... Best wishes to you..

[kadvati79]

My ex just flipped out, and suddenly told me (over IM) that after two years it was all over. Then he just totally pretended it didn't happen to his friends. He is out drinking, going crazy, with the wrong crowd, its madness. He just flipped out. I have search and searched myself, and his best friend has distanced himself saying that my ex is "emotionally bankrupt" and isn't able to deal with his emotions so he just imploded.

 

I figured it was me, or that, it meant I wouldn't be happy. Then I read your words and it gave me a new perspective. I realised what his friends were telling me.